We have another 32 days until Halloween, but that doesn't mean you cannot procrastinate for the next month.. In fact, if you read this the day it was posted, you can sleep easy for the next 31 days knowing that you can just slap something together in a minute. Most preferably, the last minute. All of the costumes listed here have been made out of items in my immediate surroundings found in The Survival Guide office, as to remain in the spirit and spontaneity of short-notice costume-cobbling.
Atlas
What you need: Globe, Toga (maybe?)
You too can hold the entire Earth and have one Halloween costume that seems both creative and not a cheap last resort. All you need is a globe of the Earth and some ancient clothing. I'm not sure if you need a toga, or a loincloth, or legwarmers, but it has to be something timeless. I made this discovery during one of my daily whiskey rages. I grabbed a paper weight Mr. Jones got me from his trip to Arkansas and threw it at the sizable and very expensive globe Mr. Jones found in our electrician's house. The globe broke off of it's axis and I felt really bad for some reason. I start sobbing and trying to lift the globe, but my hands are wet from all the crying I did. Mr. Jones was trying to help this entire time, and to keep spirits up, he said "I've heard of Atlas Shurgged, but Atlas Cried Like a Little Bitch?" That's when I picked up another paper weight.
The Sphinx
What you need: Google seach for brain teasers, a penchant for mischeif
Do you love to fool your friends? Then use all those brainteaser to the max when you go as the sphinx. The sphinx originally was beast-like and with femine features and wings, but for this suggestion we're just gonna let that slide. No one even cares. Why are you dressing up? Some cool costume party? Hey, you'll be the coolest person their for not wearing a costume and actually having dignity. Also, as a sphinx, you get to kill people if they answer wrong. Of course, if they get it right you have to kill yourself, but whatever. While I like to think that two mythological illusions is just a stroke of luck, I will admit that I do to tend to lean towards ledgend and lore when I drink whisky. Also, I get angry
Moustache Man
What you need: Fake moustache, or felt tip pen.
Now anyone can feel the majesty usually associated with 'stache growers worldwide. I will admit right off the bat that this is not as clever as the previous costume, but the moustache man is a much better costume than you think. For you see, I was fact-checking a new entry and sniffing some permanent markers when I remembered I had some model airplane glue in my desk drawer. I got some of the glue in my natural moustache and tried to cover my shame with the fur scarf I had on at the time. Some of the fur got caught on my face so I had to use my letter opener to cut the scarf from my face. I like how the fur looked on my upperlip, so I kept it. And that's how we fact-check.
Sunday, September 28, 2008
Friday, September 26, 2008
As a pretty lady, how can I use my douchebag boyfriend to make other men jealous?
Although there are some serious benefits for being an attractive woman (the admiration of all, the luxury of saying you don’t think you’re pretty even though you totally know it, and free potato skins at Applebee’s to name only three), the truth is you’re wasting your aesthetic beauty if you don’t cause exasperation in the male species when you’re out in public with your boyfriend.
If you are a pretty lady and you don’t feel you’re getting enough blank stares when out on the town with your man, ask yourself the following three questions:
Is my boyfriend not a big enough douchebag?
Take a close look at him. Does he have a polo shirt on? If not, he should. And if he has one, make him put on two more and have him pop all the collars. Next time you’re out at the bars make sure you have him hit you for spilling his drink. It’s up to you but you can even have him high five one of his buddies after he smacks you. Be creative!
Do I exhibit qualities that are not found anywhere else in the female species?
Next time you feel some guy with a goatee checking you out, talk to your boyfriend about your love for Rube Goldberg machines and post-modernism fiction. If he’s a good boyfriend he should not listen the first time you speak, forcing you to repeat yourself louder, but slower. Naturally, he should respond by saying, “Yeah, whatever,” and turning his iPod up louder. His iPod should only have Dave Matthews Band on it.
Am I not giving other guys enough false hope?
Wink to them on trains. Talk about books they like! Spend huge portions of their day on the phone with them chatting away about Charlie Kaufman. Once you feel that spark, that magical connection, the feeling you know is more right than anything in the world, “accidentally” call one of them while you’re blowing your boyfriend.
If you are a pretty lady and you don’t feel you’re getting enough blank stares when out on the town with your man, ask yourself the following three questions:
Is my boyfriend not a big enough douchebag?
Take a close look at him. Does he have a polo shirt on? If not, he should. And if he has one, make him put on two more and have him pop all the collars. Next time you’re out at the bars make sure you have him hit you for spilling his drink. It’s up to you but you can even have him high five one of his buddies after he smacks you. Be creative!
Do I exhibit qualities that are not found anywhere else in the female species?
Next time you feel some guy with a goatee checking you out, talk to your boyfriend about your love for Rube Goldberg machines and post-modernism fiction. If he’s a good boyfriend he should not listen the first time you speak, forcing you to repeat yourself louder, but slower. Naturally, he should respond by saying, “Yeah, whatever,” and turning his iPod up louder. His iPod should only have Dave Matthews Band on it.
Am I not giving other guys enough false hope?
Wink to them on trains. Talk about books they like! Spend huge portions of their day on the phone with them chatting away about Charlie Kaufman. Once you feel that spark, that magical connection, the feeling you know is more right than anything in the world, “accidentally” call one of them while you’re blowing your boyfriend.
Wednesday, September 24, 2008
2 Minute Biography: Niels Bohr
Niels Bohr grew up like all physicists do. After cracking out of his magma rock, the elders of the fire mountain submerged his hands in lava as a rite of passage. However, his hands came out of the lava still intact and unburned, meaning that he was sent here from a higher power. He said good bye to his family and floated down the fire mountain to the nearest town, a small Danish town, where he would assimilate into their way of life in hopes to eventually set it ablaze with the fury of the forsaken lavapeople.
As the God on Earth of the lavapeople, Bohr would receive superpowers based on the different elements he would pick up. Bronze would double his strength, iron would give him gills, and Bohrium would cause him to explode. He used these powers in order to gain the favor of the townpeople, as he would plow their farmland at alarming speeds for nothing more than a free meal and a place to lay his head. This was all a ruse however, as Neils Bohr could not process human food and never slept.
When it came time to demolish the village, he ingested a large quantity of uranium and poision-blasted the crap out of the small town. He only did this because it was his destiny, even though he has grown close to the community's charms and personalities. He was not the same person after this massacre, and chose to go by the name Proton for now on. The U.S. government got word of this superbeing, and wagered him to help invent powerful weapons for WWII. He agreed to, but only if they could bomb the lavapeople that have set him on this awful path.
Great Graphs! Here is an examination of the Bohr killcumference. Note that the first girl he ever loved was a villager named Electron.
As the God on Earth of the lavapeople, Bohr would receive superpowers based on the different elements he would pick up. Bronze would double his strength, iron would give him gills, and Bohrium would cause him to explode. He used these powers in order to gain the favor of the townpeople, as he would plow their farmland at alarming speeds for nothing more than a free meal and a place to lay his head. This was all a ruse however, as Neils Bohr could not process human food and never slept.
When it came time to demolish the village, he ingested a large quantity of uranium and poision-blasted the crap out of the small town. He only did this because it was his destiny, even though he has grown close to the community's charms and personalities. He was not the same person after this massacre, and chose to go by the name Proton for now on. The U.S. government got word of this superbeing, and wagered him to help invent powerful weapons for WWII. He agreed to, but only if they could bomb the lavapeople that have set him on this awful path.
Great Graphs! Here is an examination of the Bohr killcumference. Note that the first girl he ever loved was a villager named Electron.
Not having anyone to answer to but the US Government, Bohr, or Proton, became withdrawn and no longer saw fun in things that use to entertain him. Even the simple joys of getting high off of neon now were only there to help him get by in his shallow existance. When work on the Manhattan Project hit a standstill, he took full responsibility for America possibly losing the war. Ridden with pre-emptive shame, he jumped out of a plane and onto Hiroshima with a breifcase filled with Bohrium. His selflessness has become famous, and was paid tribute in the classic film "Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Niels Bohr."
Monday, September 22, 2008
Ziggy: Bullshit or Bulltruth
On his surface, Ziggy appears to be a pretty crappy one panel comic that just so happens to be in daily print in countless newspapers across America. The truth is Ziggy is not unlike a magic-eye puzzle; inside his painfully nondescript body lies a creation tale that is the very embodiment of anti-establishment.
Ziggy was created to be a symbol that stood for the antithesis of the Levi jean company.
Verdict: Bulltruth
Ziggy creator, Tom Wilson, tragically lost his son during a tour of a Levi jean factory. Evidence suggests that his son wandered from the tour group but this information is debatable because Tom always carried his son around in a backpack. The story Wilson championed in court described a macabre scene where his 14-year old son was plucked from his backpack by a Levi exec and thrown into whatever kind of machine makes jeans. Wilson’s story didn’t hold in court even after showing the jury a pair of jeans that bore an uncanny resemblance to his son. Shortly after, Ziggy was created. He was drawn with no pants as an effort to champion Americans to cast off the jeans manufactured by a murderous corporation. Instead, Ziggy wound up on greeting cards.
Ziggy is bald because the less specific features Ziggy has, the more universal he is.
Verdict: Bullshit
Tom Wilson just couldn’t draw hair. And let’s think about this for a second: Ziggy with hair? That shit would be weird.
Ziggy has been statistically proven to be the most depressing comic strip in existence.
Verdict: Bulltruth
At Penn State University, a study was done where random people were subjected to two images: a slid show of Ziggy comics and a superfast motion video of maggots devouring a dog. They were then told they would receive 10 dollars if they picked between the two images and observed it for 20 minutes. After three test groups of 100 people each, only one person picked to watch the Ziggy slideshow for the time period.
Friday, September 19, 2008
How do I leave a job with class?
Making your exit from an employer on your own terms is one of the few times that you experience the rush of breaking the shackles of your suppressors and believe that from now on things will be different. While things won't be different, that rush of quitting is the only time that fate will grant you the simple joy of 10-pound testicles. No matter if you are a boy or a girl or have previously experienced elephantitis of the nutsack in a job-leaving-related incident, it is a good feeling that you will never forget.
However, this rush must come naturally, and you cannot just take up jobs in hopes to leave them right away. Instead, you have to take a job, work it for at least five years. Everyday you work, just think about how great that feeling is going to be when you leave everyone behind. Do not tell any of your bosses your plan. They might promote you because you are so smart, and that will alienate you from coworkers.
So we know that leaving the job is fun, but it's how you do it that will turn those 10 pounds to 30 pounds. All of these are arranged to ensure you leave on the best terms possible.
The Domino Effect
Come in the day before and arrange pen boxes/toner cartridge boxes/anything monolithic in a domino pattern. Have fun with where it travels, but make sure it starts at the door and goes all the way to your bosses office. When your boss walks in, he will instinctively push the box and set the chaos into motion. It should take a good 15 minutes until it reaches your bosses office. When he goes into his office, he will notice that the dominos spell out "I'm outta here." He will then be treated to you laying naked on his desk whilst massaging his wife sensually with a picture of his son that he had laying around.
Magic Trick
When you come into work, clock in and go directly to your bosses office. Bring a magician's hat with you. Tell him that you have a magic trick prepared. This will generate squeals of excitement because, hey, magic is cool. Reach into your hat and pull out a live rabbit to establish that your magic is legit and harmless. After he is in his comfort zone, reach into your hat and pull out the urn of one of his parents. Show it around the room and do not waiver under anything he says to you. Then, proceed to eat the contents of the urn, keep it within you for 30 seconds, then throw it up on or around your boss. As he kicks you out, he'll notice the remnants of his parent(s) on the floor mixed with your breakfast, and how they are arranged to spell out "You can't fire me, I quit" in perfect Arial font.
The Gentleman
Dog doo in a fire bag. But the bag is made out of his dog.
However, this rush must come naturally, and you cannot just take up jobs in hopes to leave them right away. Instead, you have to take a job, work it for at least five years. Everyday you work, just think about how great that feeling is going to be when you leave everyone behind. Do not tell any of your bosses your plan. They might promote you because you are so smart, and that will alienate you from coworkers.
So we know that leaving the job is fun, but it's how you do it that will turn those 10 pounds to 30 pounds. All of these are arranged to ensure you leave on the best terms possible.
The Domino Effect
Come in the day before and arrange pen boxes/toner cartridge boxes/anything monolithic in a domino pattern. Have fun with where it travels, but make sure it starts at the door and goes all the way to your bosses office. When your boss walks in, he will instinctively push the box and set the chaos into motion. It should take a good 15 minutes until it reaches your bosses office. When he goes into his office, he will notice that the dominos spell out "I'm outta here." He will then be treated to you laying naked on his desk whilst massaging his wife sensually with a picture of his son that he had laying around.
Magic Trick
When you come into work, clock in and go directly to your bosses office. Bring a magician's hat with you. Tell him that you have a magic trick prepared. This will generate squeals of excitement because, hey, magic is cool. Reach into your hat and pull out a live rabbit to establish that your magic is legit and harmless. After he is in his comfort zone, reach into your hat and pull out the urn of one of his parents. Show it around the room and do not waiver under anything he says to you. Then, proceed to eat the contents of the urn, keep it within you for 30 seconds, then throw it up on or around your boss. As he kicks you out, he'll notice the remnants of his parent(s) on the floor mixed with your breakfast, and how they are arranged to spell out "You can't fire me, I quit" in perfect Arial font.
The Gentleman
Dog doo in a fire bag. But the bag is made out of his dog.
Wednesday, September 17, 2008
Invasion of Privacy: My Mailman
The Survival Guide (like any other quantitative science) struggles to understand the world around us. And as you might imagine, this line of work that both Leon Firestone and I are a part of has allowed us not to only understand the world around us, but I’d go so far as to say it has made us the two understandiest people around. Even still, we are pioneers. And what I am pioneering today is a way that will better understand the individual. Arguments can be made that this is hardly a new fascination. Some may even argue that the focus on the individual is responsible for modern science.
Those people are wrong, although I believed the politically correct term is “retarded.”
My associate, Leon Firestone, conceptualized the idea only yesterday as we conversed over an episode of Nip/Tuck. We were talking about how boobs are awesome except for the times they’re being cut up by scalpels. In those instances, we agreed, breasts have what we call a “reverse boner” effect.
Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I can probably get away with extreme invasions of privacy if I spin it as research that aspires to answer the daunting question of what exactly unites us all as individuals. Also, I could probably steal a lot of shit.
Long story short, I found out where my mailman lives and broke into his house while he was working. In a moment of ultimate irony, I was not home when he rang the doorbell to sign for a package because I was kicking down his screen door.
What I found:
Upon entering his home, the first thing I noticed was a giant collage of Johnny Depp. Collage is an unjust term to be honest, because it was not limited to two-dimensions. A giant cardboard cutout of Edward Scissors Hands jutted out of the center of the wall occupied by the collage. This cardboard cutout, in turn, was embracing an anatomically correct paper mache model of Depp (ala Sweeney Todd) made entirely out of ticket stubs. The door adjacent to this Depp beacon led to a room that was filled with giant rubber dildos. Each one of these was mounted on a plaque bases and named after a president of the United States. Located on a desk and underneath a ribbed little number named “Andrew Jackson,” I found a draft of my mailman’s autobiography with a working title of I’m Gay And No One Knows It: A Mailman’s Struggle.
What I learned:
My mailman has a deep appreciation for character actors and an affinity for both writing and making paper mache. Also, he had a 19-inch HD television in his bedroom, which conveniently fit in the front passenger seat in my car.
I wouldn’t go so far as to make sweeping generalizations, but I think we can all agree this was a big step for understanding mailmen across the globe.
Those people are wrong, although I believed the politically correct term is “retarded.”
My associate, Leon Firestone, conceptualized the idea only yesterday as we conversed over an episode of Nip/Tuck. We were talking about how boobs are awesome except for the times they’re being cut up by scalpels. In those instances, we agreed, breasts have what we call a “reverse boner” effect.
Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I can probably get away with extreme invasions of privacy if I spin it as research that aspires to answer the daunting question of what exactly unites us all as individuals. Also, I could probably steal a lot of shit.
Long story short, I found out where my mailman lives and broke into his house while he was working. In a moment of ultimate irony, I was not home when he rang the doorbell to sign for a package because I was kicking down his screen door.
What I found:
Upon entering his home, the first thing I noticed was a giant collage of Johnny Depp. Collage is an unjust term to be honest, because it was not limited to two-dimensions. A giant cardboard cutout of Edward Scissors Hands jutted out of the center of the wall occupied by the collage. This cardboard cutout, in turn, was embracing an anatomically correct paper mache model of Depp (ala Sweeney Todd) made entirely out of ticket stubs. The door adjacent to this Depp beacon led to a room that was filled with giant rubber dildos. Each one of these was mounted on a plaque bases and named after a president of the United States. Located on a desk and underneath a ribbed little number named “Andrew Jackson,” I found a draft of my mailman’s autobiography with a working title of I’m Gay And No One Knows It: A Mailman’s Struggle.
What I learned:
My mailman has a deep appreciation for character actors and an affinity for both writing and making paper mache. Also, he had a 19-inch HD television in his bedroom, which conveniently fit in the front passenger seat in my car.
I wouldn’t go so far as to make sweeping generalizations, but I think we can all agree this was a big step for understanding mailmen across the globe.
Monday, September 15, 2008
Etiquette Excellence: Driving
This article was written for mass publication and was crafted in such a way that any newspaper can run the guide before any major holiday to remind the readership about safety.
With the upcoming holiday weekend, there will no doubt be thousands of motorists flooding our streets and highways in order to be home for such a joyous occasion. In fact, it's hard to talk about this particular without remembering this day and all of the celebrations it brings to us. The streets aglow with fireworks, kids running with valentines, and inside houses across the country, families share a turkey dinner while passing out fake dog doo. But before you honor our fallen soldier by dressing up as a whore-nurse, please keep the roads safe with some basic driving tips.
Traffic lights
The meaning of traffic lights have been embedded in our culture. From an early age, it is known that red means passion and aggressiveness and green means success and money. However, some states have adopted traffic lights with up to 17 different light colors in order to better help traffic flow. Blue means calmness and devotion, orange means vitality and alertness, and brown means the right turn lane is closed.
Lane merging
Whether on an expressway or sidestreet, lane merging always proves to be a balls-to-the-wall experience. In order to get into the correct lane, it is expected of you to turn on your turn signal and negotiate speed with the people in the desired lane. As someone in the desired lane, your job is to keep at perfect pace with the car in the lane over, even in the event of a full stop. While this might be a double-standard of understanding and assholery, you are really overlooking the worn down emotional state people drive with during this holiday weekend. They could be the nicest people ever off of the road, but you do not want to get between them and a night of BBQs and haunted houses.
Flashing your brights
Brights should only be flashed when you want to blind all traffic in front of you in a hope that they all fly off the road and burst into flames. If you think you are helping them with a small warning that their tail light is out, or that they forgot to turn their headlights on, or that there is a killer in the back seat, you are wrong.
4 way stops
Chances are if you just drive through them really fast, no one will hit you. I mean, they are going slow from all that stopping they had to do, and if they cannot react to you barreling down the road, then I guess they shouldn't be driving. Besides, for this holiday weekend, we all know that witnessing a man blow a 4-way stop means good luck, and that is the way its always been since the Dutch brought the day over to honor the Druid new year.
And as always, watch out for Trick and Treaters.
With the upcoming holiday weekend, there will no doubt be thousands of motorists flooding our streets and highways in order to be home for such a joyous occasion. In fact, it's hard to talk about this particular without remembering this day and all of the celebrations it brings to us. The streets aglow with fireworks, kids running with valentines, and inside houses across the country, families share a turkey dinner while passing out fake dog doo. But before you honor our fallen soldier by dressing up as a whore-nurse, please keep the roads safe with some basic driving tips.
Traffic lights
The meaning of traffic lights have been embedded in our culture. From an early age, it is known that red means passion and aggressiveness and green means success and money. However, some states have adopted traffic lights with up to 17 different light colors in order to better help traffic flow. Blue means calmness and devotion, orange means vitality and alertness, and brown means the right turn lane is closed.
Lane merging
Whether on an expressway or sidestreet, lane merging always proves to be a balls-to-the-wall experience. In order to get into the correct lane, it is expected of you to turn on your turn signal and negotiate speed with the people in the desired lane. As someone in the desired lane, your job is to keep at perfect pace with the car in the lane over, even in the event of a full stop. While this might be a double-standard of understanding and assholery, you are really overlooking the worn down emotional state people drive with during this holiday weekend. They could be the nicest people ever off of the road, but you do not want to get between them and a night of BBQs and haunted houses.
Flashing your brights
Brights should only be flashed when you want to blind all traffic in front of you in a hope that they all fly off the road and burst into flames. If you think you are helping them with a small warning that their tail light is out, or that they forgot to turn their headlights on, or that there is a killer in the back seat, you are wrong.
4 way stops
Chances are if you just drive through them really fast, no one will hit you. I mean, they are going slow from all that stopping they had to do, and if they cannot react to you barreling down the road, then I guess they shouldn't be driving. Besides, for this holiday weekend, we all know that witnessing a man blow a 4-way stop means good luck, and that is the way its always been since the Dutch brought the day over to honor the Druid new year.
And as always, watch out for Trick and Treaters.
Friday, September 12, 2008
2-Minute Biography: The Dream Team
Did you know... these men have done more than you would ever do in a thousand lifetimes?But the question remains: were the members of The Dream Team good sports? The short answer: yes. After the Olympics, they set out to repair the damages their brutal ass- kickings caused.
Their first stop was Croatia, where their massive triumph over the Croatian team caused a complete dissolvement of the government and hundreds of ritual suicides. Upon getting off their jet, The Dream Team soon realized the damage they had caused might be too much for just one basketball team to fix. Charles Barkley, guilt-ridden with the deaths his amazing dunks had caused, vowed to stay behind and rebuild Croatia from the ground up. To this day, he rules the beautiful country with an iron fist.
The team next traveled to Angola to see what damage they had caused. It is not known what the specific damages to the South American country were because the one journalist who traveled with the team to document their philanthropy vomited himself to death after seeing what remained of the country from their plane.
Just as we don’t know what was wrong with Angola, we don’t know what The Dream Team did to rebuild the nation. All we know is that Angolans now speak a special dialect of Portuguese that sounds a lot like Michael Jordan.
The philanthropy tour ended with a return to the United States where the entire team (save for Barkley, who was the new Duke of Croatia) publicly apologized for any negative image they may have given the USA.
In a touching scene of self-sacrifice, they all burned their basketball shoes in the center of Time Square and never set foot on the court again.
Wednesday, September 10, 2008
Public Outcry: Excerpts of my new book
The Google Search Query that lead someone to this site: "murder in reno, nv - horse tranquilizer novel"
Our interpretation: Tell us about your new book?
Well, I'm glad that you showed interest in my life outside of the survival guide. For all of my life, I have only written about personal experiences and relating them to you so you never have to go through my suffering. My first foray into fiction is a mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time which follows a cop who can travel through time using a magic hat he found in a time capsule from 1790 as he tries to foil an assassination plot of his great great grandfather by a rival cop who also found a time traveling hat. Here is a little taste of it.
Oh, forgot to mention, the cop is in the 1st grade. I feel that we don't see many young cops today, and it's really a shame because kids have a fantastic moral code. Because of this, his rival is 43 and jaded. I can tell you are hungry for more, so here is a scene where good cop Guy Copperton travels back in time.
Did I just blow your mind? Then buy my book, available when I hear back from Scholastic any day now. Until then, just periodically check your local library's mystery/cop/historical thriller section for more!
Our interpretation: Tell us about your new book?
Well, I'm glad that you showed interest in my life outside of the survival guide. For all of my life, I have only written about personal experiences and relating them to you so you never have to go through my suffering. My first foray into fiction is a mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time which follows a cop who can travel through time using a magic hat he found in a time capsule from 1790 as he tries to foil an assassination plot of his great great grandfather by a rival cop who also found a time traveling hat. Here is a little taste of it.
The desert air was dry. Very dry. Reno was not kind to plants this time of year, or ever really. It's a desert, you know. I took a long drag off of my cigarette and blew smoke at my best friend Jim Benjamin. He was currently making a sand castle, and I held contempt for everything he brought into the world. Seeing the castle get built reminded me of the the time-space continuum and that time traveling hat I found. How time is made up of nothing but sand, and somehow that makes a castle, but change one grain of sand with something else, like a car, and your castle looks completely different. The bell rang, and I took one last drag: recess was over.
Oh, forgot to mention, the cop is in the 1st grade. I feel that we don't see many young cops today, and it's really a shame because kids have a fantastic moral code. Because of this, his rival is 43 and jaded. I can tell you are hungry for more, so here is a scene where good cop Guy Copperton travels back in time.
Everything starts spinning. The brick walls become a solid red swirl as I feel like I'm falling through the ground. You see history and life run past you and you have that crystallizing moment where you remember that time is a river. Then again, this could have been helped by the horse tranquilizers.Another thing I forgot, but something you could have taken from the query search that brought up my new mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time, is that cop Guy Copperton is addicted to horse tranqs. In the business, we call that character development.
Benjamin Franklin lifted up his snifter of brandy and exclaimed "To the future and all of the hats that will go with it." We both drank to it, but I spit mine back out because I knew about the poison planted by my cop rival, Schemer Rivalcop. With Franklin dead, the time traveling hats would not be invented, leaving me stranded in the freshly-born States. I found some schematics for the hat, and knew what I had to do. I took my last horse tranqulizer and got to work. Also, Ben Franklin was my dad. This is what Future Franklin Douglas warned me about. This was THE THICK OF TIME!
Did I just blow your mind? Then buy my book, available when I hear back from Scholastic any day now. Until then, just periodically check your local library's mystery/cop/historical thriller section for more!
Monday, September 8, 2008
What are some of the features GeoEye-1, Google’s new satellite?
For those not aware, on September 6th Google launched a rocket carrying the GeoEye-1 satellite into space. The GeoEye-1 is the most advanced commercial satellite to date, but what makes it really so advanced?
In a non-televised meeting with the press, I asked some questions to a panel of experts representing Google about what exactly this thing can do.
Okay, say I have this friend. Let’s call her Becky. Mind you we’re using “friend” in the loose sense of a word. I have reason to believe she might be quite the slut. Does the GeoEye-1 have any features that specifically track individuals and their slutty behavior?
Yes and no. The satellite is capable of taking high-res pictures of something as small as home plate on a baseball diamond, so it’s certainly possible that we could see an individual partake in slut-based behavior, provided that she is doing it outside in the daylight or we have toggled the “see through walls” feature on the satellite. Granted, this is a waste of resources and we would never abuse the satellite to track just one person…
Alright, but say someone like myself, an average Joe, would do the slut-tracking for you, y’know? Like is there anyway I can access these photographs for my own personal… research?
Most definitely not! That would be an invasion of privacy in the most extreme sense. Consequently, all babies born after 2010 will have a chip planted into their brain that transmits information to the GeoEye-1 that allows us to access information such as name, address, social security number, family history, income level, dating history, penis size, favorite movie, and preferred masturbation fantasy.
That is absolutely outrageous! Do you think the public will stand for this?! We should be entitled to use this technology prove once and for all that Becky truly is the man destroying succubus she appears to be! Okay, how about this: what if I paid you a monthly subscription free to access the Becky photos?
Again, that would be an invasion of personal privacy. We are obliged by a contract with the government not to accept payments from the general public in exchange for access to the satellite’s photos. However, the contract says nothing about exchanging access to the photos and letting us put this chip into your brain.
Really? So if you put that chip, which you so conveniently have about your person, into my brain, you guys will let me track Becky to my heart’s content?
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
In a non-televised meeting with the press, I asked some questions to a panel of experts representing Google about what exactly this thing can do.
Okay, say I have this friend. Let’s call her Becky. Mind you we’re using “friend” in the loose sense of a word. I have reason to believe she might be quite the slut. Does the GeoEye-1 have any features that specifically track individuals and their slutty behavior?
Yes and no. The satellite is capable of taking high-res pictures of something as small as home plate on a baseball diamond, so it’s certainly possible that we could see an individual partake in slut-based behavior, provided that she is doing it outside in the daylight or we have toggled the “see through walls” feature on the satellite. Granted, this is a waste of resources and we would never abuse the satellite to track just one person…
Alright, but say someone like myself, an average Joe, would do the slut-tracking for you, y’know? Like is there anyway I can access these photographs for my own personal… research?
Most definitely not! That would be an invasion of privacy in the most extreme sense. Consequently, all babies born after 2010 will have a chip planted into their brain that transmits information to the GeoEye-1 that allows us to access information such as name, address, social security number, family history, income level, dating history, penis size, favorite movie, and preferred masturbation fantasy.
That is absolutely outrageous! Do you think the public will stand for this?! We should be entitled to use this technology prove once and for all that Becky truly is the man destroying succubus she appears to be! Okay, how about this: what if I paid you a monthly subscription free to access the Becky photos?
Again, that would be an invasion of personal privacy. We are obliged by a contract with the government not to accept payments from the general public in exchange for access to the satellite’s photos. However, the contract says nothing about exchanging access to the photos and letting us put this chip into your brain.
Really? So if you put that chip, which you so conveniently have about your person, into my brain, you guys will let me track Becky to my heart’s content?
Yeah. Sure. Whatever.
Friday, September 5, 2008
D.I.Y Time: Becoming a God
The cup and ball has delighted millions of all ages with it's complexity. It is one of the few toys that people have grown up with that remains challenging, no matter the age. Even with it's challenge, it is a standby for good times that millions of American's play daily during dead time at work, boring classes, or even in the kitchen when waiting for a roast. Yes, the cup and ball is far and away one of the greatest qualities of life and can accurately be portrayed as a gift from God and proves His existence.
But if you can make your own... does that make YOU the new God?
Step 1: Find a cup
Like our Great Creator/you, you are not limited in your pursuit of finding a satisfactory cup for your game of ball and cup. The preconception is that the ball and cup has to be hand held. Not so. With any size of bucket, people will adapt and learn how to follow your lead as a ball and cup player/Lord. It is also an option to not even follow these directions and use some alternative concave object, like a hat. Some people might say that it doesn't work and that the cup was the best option, but you can just call them heretics and have them burned at the stake in your name.
Step 2: Find a ball
The ball you choose should probably be smaller than the cup you have. Probably. It doesn't matter though, you're gonna be a God now. You can set a new standard for ball and cup and say "thou doth only cup the ball with a ball bigger than thy cup" and BAM! Your shoddy workmanship is covered by calling blasphemy on naysayers.
Step 3: Find a String
The string is the unsung hero in ball and cup, because it is the only part of this game that does not get name dropped in its name. It's a shame, because the string is no doubt the single most important part of the game, besides the cup and ball. The string is what holds the two items together, no matter how ridiculous they are sized. There might be some confusion here, because instead of calling it the string, they call it BS and blind faith.
Step 4: You're a God!
Fuck yea!
But if you can make your own... does that make YOU the new God?
Step 1: Find a cup
Like our Great Creator/you, you are not limited in your pursuit of finding a satisfactory cup for your game of ball and cup. The preconception is that the ball and cup has to be hand held. Not so. With any size of bucket, people will adapt and learn how to follow your lead as a ball and cup player/Lord. It is also an option to not even follow these directions and use some alternative concave object, like a hat. Some people might say that it doesn't work and that the cup was the best option, but you can just call them heretics and have them burned at the stake in your name.
Step 2: Find a ball
The ball you choose should probably be smaller than the cup you have. Probably. It doesn't matter though, you're gonna be a God now. You can set a new standard for ball and cup and say "thou doth only cup the ball with a ball bigger than thy cup" and BAM! Your shoddy workmanship is covered by calling blasphemy on naysayers.
Step 3: Find a String
The string is the unsung hero in ball and cup, because it is the only part of this game that does not get name dropped in its name. It's a shame, because the string is no doubt the single most important part of the game, besides the cup and ball. The string is what holds the two items together, no matter how ridiculous they are sized. There might be some confusion here, because instead of calling it the string, they call it BS and blind faith.
Step 4: You're a God!
Fuck yea!
Wednesday, September 3, 2008
Episode Guide: Season 1 of the Bernie Mac Show
Almost a month has passed since beloved entertainer Bernie Mac has passed on and my B-Mac-O-Meter (a scientific device that quantitatively measures the popularity of Bernie Mac) reads higher than ever. Before you question the validity of such a device, I have one thing to say to you: fuck off. Calibrating devices to measure fame of black celebrities has always been a passion of mine since childhood. Sadly, out of the many I’ve made (16, if I remember correctly) only the Bernie Mac one has worked. Furthermore, I have been instructed by my lawyer not to field any questions on the coincidence that the completion of my B-Mac-Meter and the death of Bernie Mac occurred on the same day.
Episode 1 (Pilot)
Bernie Mac has his sister’s children move in with him and his wife. Because they are not a direct fruit of his loins, he forces the children to live in a cupboard underneath the stairs. Mac finds out the hard way that the children are not only capable of using magic, but are also destined to hone their abilities at a school for witches and wizards. The kids are taken to their new school by means of a flying car. Shortly after, Snape kills Dumbledore.
Note: Everything that took place in the pilot is never referenced again in the series. Bernie Mac called do-over on series claiming, “it didn’t have enough magic.” Oddly enough, magic never appeared again in the show.
Episode 6
The kids want a dog and Bernie Mac, a man who always wanted a dog himself, agrees. The family buys a dog. Somehow this takes up 30 minutes.
Episode 9
Bernie’s sister returns from Chicago to take her kids back. Everything seems like it’s working out, but something doesn’t sit well with Bernie. By violently working his way up a crime family located near his house, Bernie finds out that the woman Bernie thought was his sister is an impostor who plans to sell the children into sexual slavery. This is also the Christmas special.
Episode 16
In an effort to spite viewers, episode 16 is actually just the Die Hard 2 trailer looped while the audio of Bernie Mac’s stand up routine plays in the back. This particular episode is what nominated the show for its two Emmy Awards.
Episode 22 (Season Finale)
I’m going to be honest, I really only watch Fox for Seinfeld and The Simpsons. I missed this one.
Episode 1 (Pilot)
Bernie Mac has his sister’s children move in with him and his wife. Because they are not a direct fruit of his loins, he forces the children to live in a cupboard underneath the stairs. Mac finds out the hard way that the children are not only capable of using magic, but are also destined to hone their abilities at a school for witches and wizards. The kids are taken to their new school by means of a flying car. Shortly after, Snape kills Dumbledore.
Note: Everything that took place in the pilot is never referenced again in the series. Bernie Mac called do-over on series claiming, “it didn’t have enough magic.” Oddly enough, magic never appeared again in the show.
Episode 6
The kids want a dog and Bernie Mac, a man who always wanted a dog himself, agrees. The family buys a dog. Somehow this takes up 30 minutes.
Episode 9
Bernie’s sister returns from Chicago to take her kids back. Everything seems like it’s working out, but something doesn’t sit well with Bernie. By violently working his way up a crime family located near his house, Bernie finds out that the woman Bernie thought was his sister is an impostor who plans to sell the children into sexual slavery. This is also the Christmas special.
Episode 16
In an effort to spite viewers, episode 16 is actually just the Die Hard 2 trailer looped while the audio of Bernie Mac’s stand up routine plays in the back. This particular episode is what nominated the show for its two Emmy Awards.
Episode 22 (Season Finale)
I’m going to be honest, I really only watch Fox for Seinfeld and The Simpsons. I missed this one.
Monday, September 1, 2008
D.I.Y Time: Pet Sematary
The pet sematary is an old stand-by for anyone who didn't have a chance to say goodbye, or who just wanted to see their loved ones resurrected as an embodiment of evil. The sematary (not to be confused with the acceptable and common spelling "cemetary") is great in a party atmosphere, where people can bring their dead pets and relatives to get crunk with them once more. The benefits of having a pet sematary are no doubt bountiful, so why don't you have one? Sure, the kits you can by from Home Depot are costly, but that doesn't mean you can't play God! Here is a quick guide on how to build your own field of broken dreams.
1. Find an ancient Indian burial ground
Indians, or most specifically in this case their remains, posses mystic powers that will cause all sorts of kooky things to happen on the surface. If you are trying to find an organically made Indian burial ground, try around the Midwest. If you do not care about geography and just need an Indian burial ground now, you have two options: 1.) genocide and mass grave and 2.) go back in time, spot prime Indian burial real-estate, become mayor of the town that the real-estate is in, make a sanction that prohibits people building their unless they have the birthmark that you have, and then move in when you go back to the future. Personally, number 1 is easier.
2. Arrange the runes
You actually do not need legit runes, but rather just stones you can pick up at the Home Depot (they have everything.) For maximum resurrections/corruption rate, arrange the stones after the cave sign the Indians had for bulls, which granted them sustenance for decades. An aerial view of your developing pet sematary should look like this.
Make sure you bury your loved one on the bull's shaft-like torso.
3. Foreshadowing
In order for your pet sematary to work properly, you must be told about it by a local mystic or Indian and must do little in heeding his warning. It doesn't matter if you like him or not, because he'll die right before the climax.
4. Hire the Ramones to sing a song about it
The Ramones have made it clear that they don't want to be buried in a pet sematary (on account of not wanting to live their life again.) In the christening of your burial ground, please employ the remaining Ramones members to play your sematary. Not only is this good luck, but the song is kinda good, too.
1. Find an ancient Indian burial ground
Indians, or most specifically in this case their remains, posses mystic powers that will cause all sorts of kooky things to happen on the surface. If you are trying to find an organically made Indian burial ground, try around the Midwest. If you do not care about geography and just need an Indian burial ground now, you have two options: 1.) genocide and mass grave and 2.) go back in time, spot prime Indian burial real-estate, become mayor of the town that the real-estate is in, make a sanction that prohibits people building their unless they have the birthmark that you have, and then move in when you go back to the future. Personally, number 1 is easier.
2. Arrange the runes
You actually do not need legit runes, but rather just stones you can pick up at the Home Depot (they have everything.) For maximum resurrections/corruption rate, arrange the stones after the cave sign the Indians had for bulls, which granted them sustenance for decades. An aerial view of your developing pet sematary should look like this.
Make sure you bury your loved one on the bull's shaft-like torso.
3. Foreshadowing
In order for your pet sematary to work properly, you must be told about it by a local mystic or Indian and must do little in heeding his warning. It doesn't matter if you like him or not, because he'll die right before the climax.
4. Hire the Ramones to sing a song about it
The Ramones have made it clear that they don't want to be buried in a pet sematary (on account of not wanting to live their life again.) In the christening of your burial ground, please employ the remaining Ramones members to play your sematary. Not only is this good luck, but the song is kinda good, too.
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