The Survival Guide to Everyday Life

From the desk of Mr. Jones:

2010-09-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

It has come to my attention that my expertise, as well as that of my colleague Leon Firestone, has been missed.

I realize our absence was problematic for some. Even though we live in a digital age that supplies a practically infinite source of information to answer most questions, there are some things that only Leon and I are equipped to explain. Admittedly, this realization should have come sooner, but I am proud to announce that we are back.

As part of our triumphant return, we would like to answer some of the most common concerns that have amassed in our inbox during our absence:

· It is reasonable to assume dogs hate being sprayed with mace as much as people.

· There was never a pirate named “Shit Beard.”

· Although we personally don’t agree, we do understand how unicorns could be erotic from certain angles.

As an order of business: we are not interested in reading your screenplay. You know who you are.

We would also like to thank Kenneth Scott for helping us realize the error of our ways. I would also like to let Kenneth know that I’m still angry with him for convincing Leon not to drink that thermometer. That shit would have been hilarious.

Rest assured, the time spent away from The Guide has granted us a wealth of knowledge that we are very eager to share.

I’ll give you a hint: it involves manatees.

You’re welcome,

Mr. Jones

How do I start conversations if I'm in a room of strangers

2009-02-20T00:00:00.000-08:00

A stranger is just a person who hasn't gotten to know the real you yet. Then they become an acquaintance or that guy you'll see on the street who will say "Hello, how's it going" to you without actually stopping to hear your response. Keep in mind that the step between "stranger" and "'Hello, how's it going' guy" is still mighty big. You have to chat with this person for at least five minutes or so on a subject you are both knowledgeable about, and your conversation cannot end with someone offending the other person or someone cursing the other person's bloodline with a gypsy curse.

Cut the ice and have more wave-in-the-hallway-friends by using some of these gypsy-curse-proof icecutters.

"So how about this weather?"

This line will almost guarantee a response from the future-acquaintances around you. People are affected by the weather almost everyday, especially seasonal affect disorder people, or SAD people. But SAD people can be a wet blanket on the fun conversations you could be having, so stay away from them.

This icecutter only works if you and your strangers are operating above ground. If in the scenario that all of you have been living in a subterranean base for more than a few weeks, this will only illicit mass confusion, as many would have already forgoten what the sun looks like.

"So how about that local sports team recent win/lose?"

The plus side of the NFL's, NBA's, NHL's, ALB's, MLB's and MLS's popularity is that there is always a sport in season, and there is always a topic of conversation. Even if you think hockey is for fags, you can discuss how your hometown's team got their ass handed to them. This will cause great connections with those around you, and might even spur an impromptu game of fag hockey.

Luckily, most subterranean bases do have intermural sports to keep moral high. However, they must make due with the supplies they have which leaves for pick up games of paper clip ball, rocking chucking, and appeasing the overlord.

"Man, thank God these walls keep us in from The Outters"
Alright, so this one actually only applies to people who live within a subterranean community which looks down on the workings of our society. However, us Outters can use a similar line to talk about the people who live in subterranean communities. Not only does this start a conversation, but it's also how hate is born.

What do I tell my child when he asks where his pets go after they die?

2009-02-18T13:04:00.000-08:00

For as long as there have been kids, there have been kids asking questions. Psychologists would argue that inquiries are a very fundamental part of child development. It serves as an informational gathering method and allows children to attempt to make sense of the world around them. Which is great, but you know what? Sometimes I don’t want to hear it. And don’t think for a second it’s because I don’t have an answer to any question a kid can throw at me. Unless that question is “Why do you drink so much?” That’s a tough one.

Drunken escapism aside, it’s very possible your son or daughter may want a pet. If that’s the case, and you grant their request, it’s inevitable that pet will, at some point, die. This may prompt the child to ask where animals go when they die. This question may lead to the child to ask where people go when they die. Then, finally, the child may ask where Grandma went. At this point, you tell him you have no idea what you’re talking about and demand he ignores the screams coming from the pantry. Tussle his hair a bit and send him on his way by telling him to take care of his daily chore: pushing a bucket of fish heads through the small hole at the bottom of the pantry door.

Anyway, parenting is an adventure filled with limitless possibilities. So choose one of the four following methods:

Deny the pet's existence.
Your daughter had a golden retriever but sadly, it died in its old age. Guess what? Your daughter never had a dog. Ever. Remove all evidence, this includes pictures of the dog, any toys, the puppy cage, everything. If she asks where the hardened dog feces in the backyard came from, just tell her that was your doing.

Tell them a lie
Tell them all pets go to a special place in heaven. This is obviously untrue because animals lack a comprehension of language and are forever doomed to pit fight in the ninth circle of hell in a blood sport to end all blood sports.

Tell them the truth
Or, you can tell the truth. Which could include hell and blood sport or you could just drop to one knee and put your hand on their shoulder, look them in eye and tell them the other truth: hotdogs.

Show them that dead animals float
Fill up a bathtub and let physics go to work. That’ll keep the little fuckers from asking questions ever again.

How do I write a personal statement?

2009-02-09T17:54:00.001-08:00

The personal statement is something that is practically uniform when it comes time for the college application process. In fact, some jobs are have now started using them. Ironically, applying for the position of the guy who reads the personal statements at the admissions desk does not require a personal statement.

The personal statement any given application asks you to write vary in length and subject matter. One could ask you to talk about why you wanted to attend this particular college or perhaps it could ask you to describe a crucial event in your life when you had to make a difficult decision. More often that not, however, the personal statement is going to look like this:

So does your mom know you’re gay?

This is a hard question to answer. On one hand, admitting that your mom knows about your homosexuality implies that you are, in fact, a homosexual. But if you answer no, because most admissions offices are demons of rhetoric, your answer implies that you are, in fact, still, a homosexual.

This puts in you in a predicament. Maybe you’re not gay but you don’t want to lie. Any respectable university holds their students accountable for their actions, so it’s entirely possible that a dean might burst, application in hand, into your history lecture and point at you. “You!” he would yell, his demanding voice echoing off all the test tubes and Bunsen burners that have no business being in your history lecture. “Prove to us your gayness!”

To this, I offer some sage advice. College isn’t for everyone.

I think that about covers it.

How do I make compelling last words?

2009-02-04T13:55:00.000-08:00

I think that cats would make cute butlers. And if you died right after reading that sentence out loud, those would be your last words. Ever. Does that make you feel complete? The summation of your entire life could have been defined by an aside about cat butlers. Imagine if there was someone around you. What would they think of the life you lived?

The moment you think you are about to die, have a mantra prepared for those around you to say. You don't have to be famous to have famous last words. I mean, look at President Mallard Fillmore. He said "My only regret is that the Whig party dies with me," and that's common knowledge, even though know one actually knows who Mallard Fillmore was, outside of his post-mortem cartoon biographies.

In order to research this entry, Mr. Jones and I would get into compromising positions or act on ill-planned thoughts. Then, we would yell a new mantra every time we threw ourselves into possible death (i.e. fences, marriage, dune buggies, etc.) We documented what made compelling last words and taped a lot of stupid shit we did. What you are about to read is the less entertaining of the two.

A dash of mystery
In the start of the sci-fi film, Citizen Kane, a newspaper man dies with the last words of "Rosebud." The movie revolves around the mystery of his last words, in between sweeping space battles and allegories for the media. What you can take from is that your loved ones will be willing to unravel the mystery of your last words. If you and your surviving family are fans of scavenger hunts, then you should mull over some of our favorites like "Damn you, Tito," "Movie Phone was right," and "It all belongs to Jessica, now."

Powerfully dead
If your corpse does not leave a crater in the earth, you can at least hope that your words will resonate throughout centuries and hopefully cause some earthquakes*. Make some poignant observation about life and how fleeting it is. Starting by talking about the wind is always good, and maybe throw in something about laughter and friends. I saw that on a plaque at a Famous Dave's, and it's been with me ever since.

*"Hopefully?" You monster!

On second thought
Just describe things from the walls of Famous Dave's. It might be poignant observations on life or some kooky road sign that would not be street legal in a million years. I decided that it's all fair game and thought I'd throw that in.

Taking them with you
This is much darker than I wanted it to sound, but it is the best way to be a constant reminder to those who mourn you. Instead of having them reminisce over things you use to do, have your last words be something they say or hear everyday. This is what psychologists call classical condition crying. Instead of last words, sing "All-Star" by Smash Mouth. Then, whenever a loved one goes to a kids movie or turns on the radio, there is a good chance they will cry over their little dead All-Star. This is the best way, because it guarantees your manipulation of them from BEYOND THE GRAVE!

Camping Safety Tips

2009-02-02T14:49:00.000-08:00

The Guide offices, as I like to explain, exist in a place outside of geography. We are located everywhere and nowhere but always are just close enough to a landfill and railroad tracks that makes the rent that much cheaper.

But if you held me at gunpoint and made me point where we were located on a map, I’d point to the Midwest. This point would be truthful, absolutely genuine, as I am not the kind of man to try to pull a fast one over someone that has a gun to my head. Leon used to be that kind of man before the tragedy and although I could divulge such a story, I’d like to remind you that there are stories and then there are stories, and, in the case of the tragedy that befell Leon, it most certainly was the latter, italicized kind of story.

As many are aware, the Midwest is center of the world when it comes to lots of things: white people, craft stores, that thing people do with strangers on accident where you’ll be walking towards each other, and, in an attempt to avoid conflict and not run into each other (and it’s always such a noble attempt) you try to move out of the other person’s way, but the other person, also noble, will have moved the same way you’ve just moved and perhaps most ironically, for the same reasons you moved yourself.

But it’s also the camping center of the world. We at the Guide, with February upon us, have been struck by an urge to camp. We are from the Midwest, after all. Like our chronic diabetes, it’s practically in our DNA.

As the saying goes, to be unsafe is to be sorry and to be sorry is to look like a prick in front of your bros. So here are your camping safety tips:

Make sure your campfire is under control before you go to sleep.
I’d like to point out the semantic difference between making sure a campfire is under control and just extinguishing it for the night. Extinguishing a campfire is to claim its superiority over you. It sends a clear message to your fellow campers that reads, “I am not a master over the element of fire.” But to control it! Controlling it is something so much more! If you were to use the fire to, say, chase squirrels from the trees, ignite humming birds so they look and sound like little exploding boat motors whizzing through the air, or to show a moose would it means to be afraid, if you managed something like that before retiring to your sleeping bag, you have successfully bent fire to your will. Then, and only then, can you sleep soundly.

Is your tent secure? It should be.
I don’t need to tell you how to make sure you’re tent is secure. What I will do, instead, is tell you what could happen to you if your tent isn’t secure because fear is a powerful agent for safety. For starters, a strong gust could collapse the tent all around you. This might be accompanied by screams of your fellow campers and as you attempt to find the zipper for the tent flap you will realize it is a task impossible because your canvas coffin is dark in a suffocating way that is both hot and cold at the same time. Operating on pure instinct you may stand up, staggering around completely covered in your temporary housing, calling out to someone, anyone. The screaming will continue. Something will brush your leg. Is it another leg? What happened? If it is another leg, was it attached to a body? You will jut your arms out in futile attempt to touch something, anything. This last ditch effort will throw your balance off and send you tumbling to the ground. The ground will be wet (so wet you can feel it through the tent that you’ve become entrapped in, which was a very thick material, the main reason you chose that particular model) and the screaming will not stop. You might not wake up.

Keep food in sealed containers.
This just keeps random critters out of your provisions. The main reason is that then your shit doesn’t get eaten, but let’s also consider that if you attract any kind of critter you then run a chance of attracting a rabid critter. Rabies is a terrible thing to contract on a camping trip, mainly because the only known cure is to have your best friend tie you up and shoot you. And yeah, that would suck for you, no doubt. But think about the friend that has to shoot you. The tears (and eventual snot) that will run down his face as he tries to work up the courage to pull the trigger. He won’t be able to hear your name without thinking of that last sound you made before the gunshot silenced you forever. And because your last sound would be like an Indian war whoop, he won’t be able to watch any old Western movies with Indians fighting cowboys without getting all weird, you selfish prick.

How do I train dogs?

2009-01-28T11:48:00.000-08:00

This is not your guide for potty training your dog. While I agree that having a dog not pee on things you buy is a good thing, this "How do" guide aims to go far beyond that. You can look anywhere else and learn how to stop your dog from peeing on things, but this is your one-stop shop on how to psychologically condition your dog to do anything you want it to. Just think...

Why stop at having him pee outside, when you can just have him afraid to pee?

From here, we're break it down to a few frequently asked dog training questions (FADTQ).

How do I train my dog to turn on lights?
Spend a week where there is only one light on in the house at a time, and only enter a room and turn a light when your dog is present. After this week, keep all the lights in the house off, and hit your dog with newspapers until he turns on a light. If you continue like this, he should be able to turn on lights out of fear of the darkness. The painful darkness. This is also the same why parents raised me to fear night!

How do I train my dog to walk on his hind legs?
This is an adorable trick for everyone involved, because we get to see a dog do something that looks horribly unnatural and the dog gets to think that his human walking abilities will allow him to drive and buy cigars. Now what I always thought was "if he doesn't have front legs, then he HAS to use hind legs" but I did some research and it turns out that's wrong for both ethical and trick training reasons. What works is to take your typical training regiment of rewards snacks and upping the ante. Just hold his food and water just out of reach, so he can only gain sustenance by being an adorable dog. If he finds food elsewhere, turn off the lights.

How do I train my dog to be racist?
So this one does not really give the last post about how we are not racist much credence, but I think that it is a skill that has the possibility to be needed in the future. For instance, what if the Chinese invade American soil with their zeppelins and feng shui? Do we not want to have dogs on our front lines? So if you are concerned about the well-being of America, you would print out a face of someone that is the race you want your dog to hate. Then, wear that as a mask and do everything your dog hates, like when you turn out the lights or put his food out of reach, or when you trained your kids to use him as a toilet. This way, all the times he wanted to bite your face off will be converted to the Chinese. I know this works because my parents would turn off the lights and just yell gibberish that sounded Chinese. Then when I turned the lights on they looked Chinese. I might have been lost, though.

Legal Matters: Why The Guide Isn't Racist

2009-01-26T15:42:00.000-08:00

We have gotten many emails on the subject of the last post on the subject of celebrating MLK day. The majority of which stated that in an effort to not be racist, we may have actually been more racist. I disagree, and allow me to explain why.

(Note: We also have received snail mail on the same subject. I have been told it is called snail mail because it is slower than email, but I was under the impression that it derived it’s name from the fact our mail carrier leaves a trail of viscous slime wherever he goes.)

When Leon started the guide, we knew we were going to change the world. But we wanted there to be an order to the madness (and by madness I mean greatness, and by greatness I mean balls awesome. Yes, that’s right, we wanted there to be an order to the balls awesome.) As such, we drew up a constitution that would frame our work in the field of informing the masses. I would like to take some time today and examine The Guide’s bylaws to prove we have conducted ourselves in a professional, ethical, and in a no-way-whatsoever racist manner.

Article 1/Our Mission Statement
The Guide will operate in a completely objective manner. All information will be presented in a manner of fact way, with diagrams as necessary. Also, the phrase “this writer’s opinion” will never appear in any Guide material. Except for in the last sentence, that’s the only time.

Why We’re Not Racist: Racism is a subjective ideology. If the Guide is only interested in the objective, then how can we be racist? Also, we always include diagrams. Diagrams can only express objective information. For example, if I were to make a pie chart that was titled “Leon Firestone’s Ancestry” and one half of it was red, labeled “Pussies,” and half of it was blue, labeled “Queers,” it should go without questioning that the information presented in the graph is not only objective, but true. I will not actually make the aforementioned graph because it is this writer’s opinion that I am not your bitch.

Article 3, Section 1
The Guide will be divided into two organizational bodies, the executive and the administrative. The executive (Mr. Jones) will make decisions for the good of the order. The administrative (Leon Firestone) will administer the supply of mind-altering substances that allow the executive body to make decisions for the good of the order. Together, the two bodies will do everything they can to serve and protect.

Why We’re Not Racist: It doesn’t say serve and protect only white people. We mean everyone. And although it is not specified, I know Leon Firestone sees it as his own personal duty to protect the black community. That is why I have walked in on him doing questionable things while watching interracial pornography. That’s how invested he is.

Article 7, Section 2
Anything that happens while Leon and Mr. Jones are drunk doesn’t count.

Why We’re Not Racist: Look, even if we were being racist with our MLK info, we were drunk. And clearly it doesn’t count. No harm, no foul.

I was tripping pretty bad on E, too. So I’d make the argument it counts even less than nothing.

Travel Guide: How to celebrate Martin Luther King day the right way.

2009-01-23T12:36:00.000-08:00

Mr. Jones previously gave you an outline for how to celebrate Martin Luther King day if you are white and do not want to appear condescending, and I view this as a valiant effort. However, if you are serious about partying on MLK day, this is not the road for you. You may also notice that we have missed some entries in the last week or so. While we apologize for not giving you fair warning, it was for good reason. Mr. Jones and myself spent the last week rocking out to MLK the only way we know how: Martin Luther King Street Crawl.

As of 2007, there are 730 streets named after the Great Civil-rights-apator, not to be confused with the Great Civil Rights raptor, who organized a march towards Washington D.C. which end with 48 dead and 65 half-eaten. Mr. Jones and I love a good challenge, and will physically love anything when inebriated, so the idea of a drunken tour of Martin Luther King streets, avenues, stravenues, boulevards, courts, canals, crossings, junctions, places, passages, turnpikes and parkways tickles our fancy in many o' ways.

The drive was suppose to take us 12 days, so forgive us for our absence. We were gonna originally stretch out the stories of this trip from next week and through all of Black History month, but the trip only lasted two days on the road, and 4 days in recovery spent in the Survival Guide office.

Here are some things of note in the streets we did manage to hit.

Lacrosse, Wisconsin - Martin Luther King Jr. Dr.
The street is as avant garde as it's name. The city planners believed that the title of Dr. was unimportant compared to the name of the "Civil rights leader of the colorguard." Actually on the street, it was in a predominately white, touristy neighborhood with a restaurant where you could make your own pizza! We got kicked out after pre-gaming and rubbing our dicks on the dough.

Chicago, Illinois - Martin Luther King Blvd.
Chicago was the first city to establish a street named after the singer of "95 thesis and the bitch ain't one" and also the first city to establish they are not racist

Note by Mr. Jones : Leon Firestone does not realize that there is a difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. He believes that one man was responsible for advances in civil rights and the formation of the Lutheran faith several centuries and continents separate from each other. He also believes both of them are Jay-Z, a rapper he has never listened to.

Another Mr. Jones edit: I framed this picture for him. It sits on his desk all day. I made a frame for him with a button that plays the "I have a dream" speech. He is so fucked up.

Cranston, Indiana - Martin Luther King Parkway
I never knew how scary Indiana was until that day.

Detroit, Michigan - Martin Luther King Blvd
I feel more out of place with every Martin Luther King street we drive to. I figured we would just roll down the windows while blasting some Martin Luther King, as to seem like we are one of them (not racist, just nervous) and I think they thought we were mocking them, so I went to showed them my Lutheran cross that I kept in my sock and that caused so many more problems. Also, as any crawl, we were incredibly drunk and did not realize the gravity of this situation. Mr. Jones was shot 3 times. It was expected, as the bullet is the main export of Detroit.

Cincinnati, Ohio - Martin Luther King Parkway
Mr. Jones does not look well, but he's a good sport. I've just been feeding him ecstasy. The street is nice, but I'm kinda bored with everything. I really wanted to discover something about civil rights or religion or the Black Album, but instead we're just in an unmarked rental van filled with blood, booze, and E. I guess we'll just finish the rest back at the office.

Mr. Jones ended up recovering from a total of 4 bullet wounds. The last one was an accident, but he had it coming. The next few days were spent in office, as Jones nursed his wounds and I made fun of him on joke-sauce (Bourbon.) I like to think we proved something, but all we did was show the world how to celebrate the life and times of Martin Luther King.

What Are Some Ways You Can Celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr That Do Not Appear Condescending To Your Black Friends If You Happen To Be White?

2009-01-21T15:44:00.000-08:00

Leon and I took a day off on Monday to conduct the research to answer the above question. We have concluded the following 10 activities are okay for white people within the context of MLK day:

Organize a sock drawer.
Think about buying an electric tie-rack
Watch the 1985 film Cocoon.
Reflect upon the 1985 film Cocoon.
Talk about the 1985 film Cocoon with a white friend.
Cut out coupons that you will never use.
Try to name as many movies that feature senior citizens as the protagonists. For example, the 1985 film Cocoon.
Imagine yourself as a high school gym teacher. Write a short essay on what your grading policy would be.
Drive to a town that's out of your way because you faintly remember someone saying that gas was cheaper there.
Organize any gift cards you have in any of the following ways: by expiration date, by store's proximity to your home and by color.

Writing Workshop: Turning a piece of fiction into a film with explosive results

2009-01-12T21:40:00.000-08:00

Screenwriters get paid the big bucks to read books and adapt them to film so that we, the paying costumer, do not have to read anything beyond some credits. The exception to this is movies in foreign languages that have subtitles that make viewers read line after painful line of text. Reading, as many are aware, can lead to eye strain. A man that told me I had a pretty mouth also told me reading could lead to “being a queer.” I doubt he had any empirical evidence of that claim, but he said it with a lot of conviction.

Regardless, you want to make those big bucks screenwriters make but you don’t want to have to actually write anything. Fortunately, libraries are filled with books that are waiting to be turned into movies and I’m going to show you how to write an adaptation with style. To help you walk through this, I’m going show you the kind of decisions you will be making by using Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery as my example. I have chosen The Lottery for two reasons: one, it’s a fairly well-known short story and two, it’s used to scare inner-city teens away from gambling lifestyles.

Differentiate it from the book.
Faithful adaptations might seem like a good idea, but it’s the film industry’s job to make choices the author of the source material didn’t have the balls to make. In The Lottery, Tessie Hutchinson wins the lottery in her small town and is stoned to death. In my adaptation, Tessie Hutchinson’s lottery winning doesn’t get her stoned to death. Instead, she is entered in a drag race across a desert filled with land mines. Her car is rigged to explode regardless if she wins or loses, so in a lot of ways it’s not a whole lot different than the original text. It’s all about subtle changes.

Change an important character.
In my film version, Tessie Hutchinson is not a woman, but a man. He is a man named Tessie Hutchinson and his pansy-ass birth name fuel him with distaste for himself. He wants nothing more than to prove himself to the rest of people that inhabit the floating island where he lives. I may have forgotten to mention that he lives on a floating island. Also, I know I said the drag race took place in a desert. For clarification’s sake, part of the floating island is a desert. See? Perfect.

You want whimsical. Go for whimsical.
So floating islands are pretty whimsical, but islands aren’t the only things that can float. Zepplins are pretty whimsical. You know what’d be cool? A flying zeppelin city that travels the world looking for new places to mine sky gold.

So yeah, I think that covers adaptations of fiction.

How do I steal cable?

2009-01-09T20:07:00.000-08:00

Stealing cable is seen as petty, but it actually shows you as a person of character and economic conscience. Sure, you could PAY for 137 channels and not enjoy them because you have to work to pay your bills, OR you can just enjoy your 137 channels and sit at home all day to enjoy them. Therefore, only the people who steal cable have a true appreciation for television as an art and medium. The people that steal cable are the people you see at parties who can wax constantly about the quality of Lost or how tragic it was when Viva La Laughlin got canned after two episodes. They will talk circles around you by making it obvious that they know more. Since one of the Survival Guidelines we have here is an equaling of the playing field, you must learn how to steal cable to put this guy back in his place.

Cable stealing goes back to the days where people would watch stage revues in the 1920s through small holes in the wall. These people were referred to as funnery snatchers, and they created an art in stealing entertainment. Theaters resolved this uprising by converting their "swindle holes" into the first glory holes, the first of many times that the entertainment business and anonymous sex crossed paths.

1. The inside man

Being the inside man entitles you to many perks like free cable and coffee. The small price you have to pay is to convince someone in the cable installation industry to hire you in some capacity. Your position could be as lowly as the business's glory hole scrubber (as it is part of the entertainment industry after all.)

2. The blending

You do not want to be that shifty new scrubber who is mysterious to all. You must chat with your coworkers and make it seem like this is your passion. This is to misdirect them from thinking you are about to steal their cable. Do this for 3 months.

3. The asking

Ask your boss/lead janitor about the "free" cable hookup. He will look around to make sure no one is around. Then, he'll give you a number to call. Do not call it from your house or cell because they can trace that back to you.

4. The calling

A woman is going to answer, this means you are doing everything perfectly. If a man answers, yell "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL" and wait till the next day. Once you get the girl, she's gonna ask for your address. Give it to her, but only in a way you two will understand. I would go with Pig Latin but you didn't hear it from me. She'll make an appointment.

5. The rendezvous

She says this guy is gonna stop by from 10 am to 4 pm. You have to be at your house because this guy means business. This is not a guy you want to fuck with by picking up some milk at the c corner store that's only a block a way. He eats glory-scrubbers like you from breakfast. People have woken up in their grave for worse shit than that. Just play it cool. Once he shows up and you show him your employee card, he'll give you the hook-up.

6. The switcheroo

Now, you can't work and watch TV at the same time, but this conundrum is one of the easiest to solve: hobo labor. Find a pauper who looks just enough like you to pass off as you at your place of work. As long as he remains gainfully employed, you have some stolen cable to enjoy. Also, continue to cash the checks. There is no reason for you not to get paid for brilliant misdirection.

Five Ways You Can Die in Australia

2009-01-07T16:54:00.000-08:00

As far as places that use boomerangs as currency go, Australia ain’t so bad. Except that you could die there. Which is why I recommend staying away. Not enough reason? Try this shit on for size. Just try and think about your friends and loved ones endlessly weeping because any of the following became a reality:

A bunch of fire ants could totally eat your ass.
The Australian state of Queensland has actually set up a Fire Ant Eradication Program (FAEP) because these suckers have a nasty habit of turning sleeping pregnant women into living fire ant colonies by laying eggs in the woman’s eyes and brain. Is that shit weird or what? Don’t go to Australia.

A Jellyfish could totally string your ass and cause your heart to stop.
The box jellyfish has a sting so powerful that it literally can stop your heart. Box jellyfish are also called sea wasps because they have been known to fly out of the water and paralyze little kids with their toxin and drag them back underwater to their sea hive. Sea wasps do not eat human children, but they do enjoy collecting them.

Your ass could get violently flung out of a windshield in a horrific car accident.
Look, you can get in a car accident anywhere. I realize this. However, you’re far more likely to be the victim of a fatal accident when driving in Australia because everyone is driving extremely fast and with reckless abandon because they’re trying to get away from all the fire ants and sea wasps.

You unsuspecting ass could fall off something really high.
What if a guy that said he was Crocodile Dundee said he wanted to show you something and you obliged and instead of actually showing you something he just kidnapped you and threw you off a cliff? These are the questions you must ask.

Someone could totally murder your ass.
Let’s say you’re on vacation and you want to pick up some souveneries for a friend. Imagine this: as you walk to the store a man brutally stabs you, leaving you to slowly bleed out under the harsh Australian sun. Even if you were driving to the store, somebody could just hide in your rental car and stab you at the base of your skull with an icepick like the Jewish guy from Goodfellas.

How do I celebrate American Heart Health month?

2009-01-05T22:11:00.000-08:00

January is a special month, not only because it is the first of the new year or of Martin Luther day, but because it is a month that asks you the seldom-asked question of "is my American heart healthy?" We aim to answer that question with a simple "of course it is." Your American heart is healthy because it is American, and American hearts never say die. Knowing this, you no longer have to ponder your vitality. You can instead just relax and enjoy American Heart Month without all of the cholesterol tests and tracing your family history of heart disease. Here are ways that we Americans can celebrate having the most healthiest Goddamn hearts.

Food makes everything happy
Celebrate your heart by gorging on all the things you would not eat if you had an unhealthy heart (impossible for Americans, but just pretend you are from Canada.) My rule of thumb is to only eat food that would be found at circuses and carnivals. Funnel cakes and other deep-fried desserts should command your attention through every meal, from breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner. I suggest you pick up a personal deep fryer for this month, and experiment with Twinkies and candy bars. If you already eat these food items throughout the year, slow down and let the rest of us lesser-Americans catch up : ). (<-this is a period, not an age spot on a smiley. those are disgusting and utterly not American) Put your heart on display
As heart is also the symbol for love, make sure everyone knows how much you love them by putting your heart out there. Leave it in the open, put it in a glass box, or wear it on your sleeve, if you enjoy wordplay as much as I do. While scientists are still discussing whether or not it is healthy to have your heart outside your body for an extended period of time, you should be alright as long as you can get a cheap but effective surgeon to take it out and put it back in once February rolls around. If you have scruples about cutting your heart out and parading it around, I suggest just creating a window into your chest cavity, as you never know when it will become useful. Also, this is American Heart month, and if you do not show your heart, I suggest you get the fuck off our land.

Go to the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory
For an evening or a week, there is no better place than the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory. Closed to the public for every other month, we open the conservatory to the masses during January so onlookers can see the many differences between animal hearts and homeless human hearts. Each heart comes accompanied with a plaque describing who or what it belonged to, and to what lengths we went to obtain it for our private-gone-public collection. Let us charm you with our personal tours every 30 minutes, and are open from 8 AM to 5 PM. Open bar. Americans only.

How do I not look like a tool when eating alone in a public setting?

2009-01-04T13:48:00.000-08:00

If you ever see anyone eating anywhere and they are without any company, you can reasonably infer that they have no friends and will die alone with no lasting mark on this world save for a half-written memoir that will be lost when their computer is accidentally dropped by distant family trying to sell their possessions only a week after their death. However, you might find yourself with a good circle of friends and loved-ones but are nonetheless, on a rare occasion, eating alone. Maybe you need some fast food on your way somewhere and you don’t like eating in your car. Maybe you don’t have a car and the food would be cold by the time you walked home. Whatever the reason, everyone is going to think you’re just a shell of a human being unless you employ some of the following tactics:

Use your cell phone while you eat.
Cell phones are designed so that no one will ever have to communicate with anyone face-to-face, so if an onlooker sees you eating alone but utilizing your phone, the only logical conclusion that can be drawn is that this is only a fleeting instance of aloneness and you clearly have thriving social links. Speak into your phone at an audible volume while talking about all the crazy shenanigans your friends have been involved in recently. Feel free to lie and make shenanigans are extra exciting. It’s very important that everyone else at Chipotle sees you for the fun guy you are. Another option is to keep sampling the same ring tone over and over so it would appear to an onlooker that people are constantly calling you.

Don’t be writing a screenplay while you eat.
If anyone had any doubts about you leading a lonely life because you’re eating alone, writing a screenplay as you stuff your face is going to make things that much worse. You are eating alone because no one wants to hear about your film about a busty, half-werewolf, half vampire, eighteen-year old who coaches an inner-city high school chess team. That idea sucks and you suck.

Knit or crochet.
You’ve seen old ladies knitting or crochet publicly and you know they’re not knitting for themselves. If someone sees you knitting, they can only assume you’re a generous person with plenty of friends.

Just kidding. They’d just silently hate you.

How do I excel at being a waiter?

2008-12-30T23:12:00.000-08:00

Waitering or waitressing is has been called an art by waiters and waitresses. They refer to it as a skill that has helped them connect with people, enhanced their prioritizing skills, and also put some extra coin in their purse (with exceptions to the few non-nancy boy waiters.) While they may feel that having this life skill is completely unique to them after spending years in this profession, The Survival Guide offices feel we have a pretty good grasp on what makes a good waiter/waitress based on our restaurant observations.

We have scowered the city's many Famous Daves for the most authentic serving experiences, taking notes and making graphs out of crayons and placemats we demanded. Here are some tricks to the trade we observed.

Always be entertaining
People do not go to a restaurant to eat, they go to enjoy the decorations and to watch the lesser-fortunate families. Above all, they go in hopes that their waiter/waitress is equally excited about jackshit. Your success in waitering/waitressing is dependent on how well you can rile up a party as you take orders for some stupid drinks and entrees. Have a joke that's clean enough for an entire family, so you can really get'em rolling on the floor*. I suggest a Pollack joke, because it's something everyone can enjoy, and it serves them right. Damn Pollacks.

*People rolling on the floor might be a blatant disregard for health code and fire code. Make sure to know your restaurant's limites before telling a filthy Pollack joke.

Don't be a stranger
When you are waiting on a table, your customers do not know where you are whenever you are not with them. Sure, you could be busy with other orders, but it is equally possible that you are hunting down their distant relatives, armed only with a bow and your street smarts. Remove these fears by being in eyesight constantly. That way, they do not have to fear for their relatives the same they did for mine in the Poland-England War of 1953.

So many arrows... Everywhere...

Forget things
From my time observing waiters/waitresses, the biggest relief was those few times that the check came when an item we ordered was not listed. As a server, you must realize that these are hard times for anyone, and if you could just give someone a little break every once in awhile by glossing over the check, you can make a big impact on lives. You do not want to seem bourgeoisie by making people pay for EVERYTHING they ordered. We are all part of the working class. You can't simply expect people to pay for all the things they ordered without seeming like a tool. Hell, unnecessary price gouging is what started that whole war anyhow, and thank God it took England to level out those filthy people.

Be hittable
As a customer, we like to imagine things. Things that we could not ever tell you about, like how we'd imagine us, riding pegasus above hellfire while boning majestically as lesser imps and demons nip at the hooves of our winged stallion. You should come into work knowing that you might be seen juxtasposed into this famous England-Poland War imagery.

Sensitivity Training: Working With Women in the Workplace

2008-12-29T19:51:00.000-08:00

There was a time in this country where smacking a female coworker’s ass was a sign of good faith. Those times have gone, and for good reason. Everyone knows that smacking a female coworker’s ass could make other female coworker’s jealous because their asses remained unslapped. Then, as a well-respected gent, you’d be obligated to smack the asses of all women in the work place, to make sure no one was left feeling inadequate. Before you know it, entire workdays would be spent slapping ass and productivity would take a substantial hit and because we live in an ever-competitive businesses world, we can’t afford to spend workdays slapping asses to make sure feelings don’t get hurt for fear of a competitor getting the leg up on your place of employment. This, as is commonly known, is why it’s considered rude to smack a coworker on the ass.

But it hardly ends there. Working side-by-side with women is far greater than a simple matter of not slapping ass. Be warned: when interacting with a female coworker there is never a right way. There are only wrong ways. Here are some common scenarios a male is likely

Scenario: A female coworker asks if she can borrow your stapler.
Wrong way: Hand her the stapler like it’s no big deal.

Right way: Tell her she looks nice as you fumble idiotically trying to pick up the stapler to hand it to her. If she shows any sign that she did not genuinely enjoy the compliment you should be ashamed. You could have phrased that so much better! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Scenario: A female coworker is going on a lunch run and wants to know if you want anything to eat.
Wrong way: Tell her what you want and hand her money.

Right way: Don’t ask for anything but hand her a wad of bills anyway. Wait, why is she doing the run to begin with? Chivalry is dead and it’s all your Goddamn fault! Oh great, I bet you’re feeling nauseous now. If you have to puke wait till she leaves, you can’t show weakness around her, that might make her uncomfortable and you don’t want to ruin her day. Oh God, do you think you ruined her day? In that case, you might want to puke in front of her in an attempt to appease her.

Scenario: A female coworker is being a bitch to you for completely unprovoked reasons.
Wrong way: Confront her about it in a positive manner and explain to her that you’re willing to help her out but you’d appreciate if she didn’t take her aggression out on you for no reason.

Right way: WHAT DID YOU DO TO MAKE HER SO ANGRY?! LOOK AROUND, JACKASS! NO ONE ELSE IN THE OFFICE SEEMS TO BE WORRIED ABOUT THIS. YOU KNOW WHY? BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GUILTY! YOU BETTER SURPRISE HER TOMORROW WITH DOUGHNUTS OR YOU WON’T BE ABLE TO LIVE WITH THIS GUILT.

D.I.Y Time: Snow blower

2008-12-26T11:55:00.001-08:00

Fuck snow. Usually this section of the entry is to cajole the reader into beleiving that we are on the same page, but I am so confident that people are sick of snow that I can just come out and boldly state "fuck snow." And while to say "fuck snow" leaves it to interpretation, as one questions whether this is a physical demand or figurative, I answer your question by saying "with a really big snow blower."

The snow blower is yet another way man has asserted himself over nature by using his prowess in machinery and gasoline to move snow in the loudest way possible. Just as we have conquered lawns with mowers, we can control snow with blowers. Though they are nice, they cost money. And gas still costs money. So what are you suppose to do with your crippling fear of monetary transactions?

1. Get some blades
Snow hates getting stabbed. You know that satisfying crunch you hear when you step on snow? That's the snow crying, which is tragic because its tears are warmer than the actual snow and the snow will end up kill itself at a faster than the sun will. Use their crippling flaws against themselves. Get some string and loosely tie some blades to a towel pole. Then, swing it around real fast. This emulates the power of the snow blower, and is also the perfect weapon for street muggings. No one will know how to respond with your knife maypole.

2. Find a leaf blower
The leaf blower can be fashioned to blow away the freshly cut snow with some clever engineering tricks. If you do not have a leaf blower, go to your neighbors with your knife maypole.

3. Car engines
Go to your front yard and pick up the car engine that is sitting on cinder blocks. The snow means you might need to thaw it out, so just put it in an oven or microwave for a few moments. Microwave works best, because it's nuclear powered. When it is fully dried, tie the knife maypole to the engine, and use the blower engine to blow away the snow you have.

Your finished product should resemble something like this:

Just push it up and down the driveway, and your pavement will never look as stunning.

How do I prepare myself for a post-apocalyptic future?

2008-12-24T13:17:00.000-08:00

Christmas Eve is upon us and Christmas is quickly followed by the New Year’s and a new year should be a constant reminder that one of these days shit’s going to go wrong hardcore and your life may very well be taken in some sort of nuclear holocaust. However, there is likely going to be a handful of survivors and one of them very well be you (but probably not because you’ll likely die of radiation poisoning but you may mutate before you die, so that’d be fun for a bit), so Christmas Eve is as good as a time as any to talk about preparing yourself for life after the world’s inevitable end.

Maybe you will be in a submarine when the bombs fall, I don’t know, but the point is you could be alive (but again, probably not) so let’s talk business.

Find out what people are using for currency.
Money makes the world go round and you don’t want to look like a jackass trying to buy things with obsolete American tender when everyone is using Pokemon cards as money. Pay special attention to whether or not the new currency is finite in number. If the new currency is man-made, then there’s not a lot to worry about, but let’s say, for example, the new currency is condoms. No one is going to be making more condoms because the condom factories will have been blown to pieces, so it might be in your best interest to try to hoard as much as you can. Also, they’ll be useful because I’m sure there will be all kinds of nuclear STD’s after the bombs drop. Even better, if you’re able to monopolize the world’s condom supply you would become incredibly wealthy and you could call yourself the “Safe Sex Sultan,” which has always been a dream of mine.

Find out if you’re the last of your gender.
Hypothetically speaking, if there is a single guy hoarding all the condoms, there is going to be a baby boom because people aren’t going to stop boning. Unless of course you’re the last man or woman. If you’re the last man, it’s going to be a pretty sweet deal. If you’re the last woman however, expect to live the life of a termite queen: bloated, constantly birthing, and always covered in your offspring. You might also grow mandibles. Pregnant women may be very different in the future.

Stay away from pet stores.
Nuclear bombs have the potential to give any animal the Godzilla treatment, making it enormous and giving it lightning breath. If you are scavenging buildings for food and supplies, leave the pet stores alone for fear of being maimed by a huge radioactive Golden Retriever puppy that has giant scorpions living on its back.

Writing Workshop: How do I write science fiction?

2008-12-18T23:55:00.000-08:00

Science fiction is an intimidating genre of writing, because good science fiction makes the reader believe that the writer knows what he is talking about. This is one of the many tricks to the sci-fi trade. Your job is to create an alternate world which you readers can relate to, but how can anyone sympathize for Mars or Martians or space vegetables. Here are some quick guidelines to making your own space opera epic.

Check your adjective use
People know what apple juice, beds, and heaters are, but how can you use this in order to further your sci-fi career? Let's say that you have a character who really likes juice, but he does not have juice because he is living on Phobos. This is quelled by simply stating "(Main character) grabbed a glass and started pouring himself some SPACE JUICE."

We both establish that the main character likes juice, and that the future has brought us space juice. Here are some other items you can use:

SPACE paper
MOON sleeping
STAR sleeping
SOLAR FLARE candles
COSMIC bowling
SPACE heater
MOON Pies

That's it!
You can try writing towards a theme or have your novel be a response to something, but all of that will come easy once you establish your environment and product names. Even if you do not know how to actually write a story, people will be enthralled with the alternate universe you created out of futuristic bowling, heaters and pies.

Amazon Customer Reviews for Leon Firestone

2008-12-18T10:08:00.000-08:00

Back in October, Leon and I went on a bit of a Tesla coil kick. We dedicated an entire area of the guide office to Tesla coils. Although it probably started out with some sort of research intention, those suckers just look cool. Little did we realize that a machine that shoots lightning would consume copious amounts of electricity. As a result, our electric bill reached a new staggering high. Lacking funds because we had just spent all of our money on like 40 Tesla coils, we took the next responsible step towards making money to pay our high utility bill: we hijacked mail trucks and took stole amazon.com boxes. Then, the plan consisted of two parts. 1.) I would then open an Amazon store and sell the contents of the box while 2.) Leon would cram himself into the now empty box and he would be shipped to the original location. The former part of the plan eventually got us the necessary money. The latter part was just for funsies.

Here are some of the amazon.com reviews from those lucky people who got a man crammed into a box instead of whatever the hell the paid for:

[No stars] Was not a television,
By Fredrick Quinn (Peoria, IL)
-------------------------------------
When you buy a 42-inch plasma television off a respected online vendor, you have some expectations. One of which is that the TV box will not contain a man that will scream real loud when you open the box. My wife is scarred and won’t go near any televisions now without crying. To make matters worse, the man stole our old TV on the way out.

[1 stars] Would not recommend,
By FULLTIMEMOM (Austin, TX)
-------------------------------------
We just moved into a new house with a big backyard so I wanted to surprise my kids with a play set one day before they came back from school. The dimensions of the box were inaccurate; I had expected a bigger play set for my kids. Instead only one of my three children could climb on the play set at a time. And after about a week, the damn thing fell on our dog and then blew away in the wind.

[5 stars] Changed my life,
By Dennis Kubly
-------------------------------------
Never before had I expected a cookware set to help me come to terms with my homosexuality. I had worried I was going to live my entire life in the closet but again, the Rachel Ray brand has come through for me.

[No stars] JUST A DUDE,
By Anime4EVER
-------------------------------------
NOW MY MOM WON’T LET ME ORDER OFF THE INTERNET NE MORE

How do I rock climb?

2008-12-15T17:24:00.000-08:00

[The following article was written by Leon Firestone and was rejected from Climbing Magazine in 1973. No reason was given in the response as to why it was denied, so that was not very constructive on the part of Climbing Magazine's, now was it?]

Mountain climbing is a misunderstood sport for several reasons. Largely because you can be the best at it without any real barometer for skill. The trick to becoming a successful rock climber like me is to adjust your scope so you cannot fail. For example,

Notice the steady incline in the waterfall? Notice how it is made of rocks? Rocks you can climb? By successfully scaling this, you are a rock climber. This guide is not just how to be a successful rock climber, though. Here are some tips and tricks to help you climb your own rocks.

Find a climbable rock
Notice that we settle for climbable and not "challenging" or "on fire." If you want to learn how to rock climb, you have to walk before run, and then run before you can rock climb. Try something that goes only ankle or shin high. I suggest a cemetery, but only because I am a fan of the macabre.

Gear up
Pack your Survival Guide to Everyday Life Survival Kit, which you should have on your persons at all times anyway. All of it.

There is also the matter of personal preparation. Make sure to do you exercises as rock climbing can be an exhaustive experience. To insure you get the proper training, please buy The Survival Guide to Everyday Life "Training Rock." Also, get loads and loads of crampons. Not for better traction, but to make the rock you choose as your bitch.

The ascent
If the rock does not stand higher than your knee, simply step on it with one foot, and try to find a way to fit the other foot.

If the rock is higher than your knee, then try to jump and scissor the rock in such a way that you stay off the ground. As long as you are off the ground, this counts as a successful rock climb.

If the rock is above your torso, try sit on it by jumping up butt first. If your feet are on the ground while you are sitting, just swing them around so your entire body is on top of the rock, or just pick up your knees.

If the rock is above your chest, find a new rock. You are not ready for the big leagues.

I hope this gets you interested in rock climbing and starts you on your climbing career, readership of Climbing Magazine!

Actor’s Corner: Nailing a Part With No Preparation

2008-12-12T12:08:00.000-08:00

The time will come when you will you expecting a production of Our Town but only moments before the curtain goes up, a clearly frazzled director will leap from the stage apron to your row and beg you to take the role of George Gibbs. You will chuckle to yourself and decline politely. Then the director will take a knee and beg you, explaining he can spot a George Gibbs from a mile away and that he needs you because in an act of gross oversight he failed to cast the character. You will tell him you are indeed flattered, but still, you cannot. At this point, audience members around you will begin to say encouraging things. One stern man will yell that only queers don’t like the theatre. This will start a slow clap and the director will take you by the hand and lead you backstage.

This will happen. It’s important you don’t fuck it up. People paid good money to see a production and now this is your problem. Only moments ago you were so like them: not expecting to be George Gibbs. However, the theatre has no time for your expectations.

Note: the following advice is universal and does not pertain specifically to the character of George Gibbs or Our Town at all, for that matter. In fact, I never liked Our Town. It’s like, I get it Thornton Wilder, everybody dies. I didn’t need a 3 Act play to tell me that. I mean, mad props for getting a Pulitzer for Drama. That’s really impressive. And I mean that sincerely. I even like the idea of the narrator breaking the fourth wall but still, this shit is boring.

People are easily impressed by accents.
Just talk with an accent. Just make sure it’s an accent that’s different than the rest of the characters. It adds another level to the character because clearly he is an outsider and that makes him mysterious. Is your character running from the law? Perhaps he was heavily involved in the sex slave business? These are the questions the audience will ask if you have an accent. Just those two questions, though.

Your character should have a mustache.
Mustaches allow you complete anonymity. This is good for two reasons: on one hand, it allows you a chance for some theatrics at the end of the play when you remove your moustache and everyone gasps at your true identity and two, if you totally bomb your part people will be looking for a guy a mustache to provide some constructive criticism for. As an actor, receiving constructive criticism is an unspeakable shame. If you already have a mustache (perhaps because you’re an accomplished actor that expects roles to be thrown at him) put a bigger, fake mustache on top of your regular mustache. If you are a woman and have a mustache, do not put on a bigger mustache. Not like it you’d get the chance to act in anything; ain’t no motherfucker going to ask you to be in a play if you’re some lady with a moustache.

Distinct physical abnormalities show skill.
Hannibal Lector was creepy because he didn’t blink. Using this logic, your character should just be crippled. Unless there is another character in the play that is already crippled. In which case, you should be at least three times as crippled as he is. You might have to be creative, though. If another character is wheelchair-bound, it’s going to be hard to out cripple that. If your character was dragged around by a belt tied to his arms pulled by the dogs, that just might out-do wheelchair.

How do I lose my virginity the Leon Firestone way?

2008-12-10T22:25:00.000-08:00

Be 15: This stage is important because you are far too innocent to actually go out of your way to make an elaborate plan to net you sex. This is also before the 'Why does no one want to bone me" mentality kicks in at 17. Also, at 15, you are less likely to be in a situation in which you will try to booze a girl into sleeping with you. If you were 15 and this happened, I kind of want to be your friend.

Be at a Styx show: I'm not sure how this holds up to today's musical standards, but the Styx rocked pretty hard. Regardless, I am sure you're chances of losing your virginity will not be hindered by the fact that is a greatest hits show. Their music is known for the smooth, arousing rhythms, and will no doubt get prospective mates in the mood. This was later reaffirmed when the police approached my car pulled off to the side of the road, blasting Mr. Roboto with the windows down, and caught me fervently masturbating.

Find a drunk mother who is in the wrong bathroom: This part can get tricky, as a lot of it comes to pure chance. You cannot just wait in the bathroom for her because you would scare away her presence, but you must check just enough so it does not seem creepy that you walk into the bathroom, look through doors, and walk away disappointed. Try to pick up the telltale signs of a drunk mother in the wrong bathroom. Do the people in stalls have heels on? Do you hear a drunken woman in your immediate area? Is their hysterical crying? All of these must be taken into account.

The beauty of this is that the drunk mother should guide you through the process in the tone of a caring mother, which is admittedly screwed up and will probably mess you up with sex for the next three years. Fortunately, if she's drunk enough, the caring tone is turned into "Do it, you faggot. With your dick," like my case. There are a few regrets, as i never knew her name, but I am still happy I was able to get that out of the way to enjoy Sail Away as a finale. Man, such an epic song. It has everything a song should have: exposition, rising action... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Point of the matter is, go to a Styx show and become a man in the most dignified way possible. Or else you are gay.

Corrections to The 2003 World Almanac

2008-12-08T14:20:00.000-08:00

Despite being a New York Times bestseller, the 2003 edition of the World Almanac is not without factual inaccuracies.

I have noticed the following errors in the following sections:

Noted Personalities – Composers of Classical and Avant Garde Music
Not included in this section is Walter Beardly, my landlord at the time. Beardly would compose elaborate musical scores and then sing them as he crawled around the building’s vent system. Although this was terrifying in a way words cannot describe, he made a deal with all the tenants that he wouldn’t charge for utilities as long as we didn’t move out and gave him constructive criticism on his compositions from time to time. Although he may not be well known, an almanac can’t call itself an almanac if it it’s not all-inclusive especially when he had such an impact on a single community's musical world.

Nations – South Africa
The entry fails to mention that the currency for South Africa is fingers. This is very significant for not only cultural reasons, but also ethical reasons. Based on their currency system alone, South Africa has managed to provide an answer to a question that has plagued thinkers since the beginning of time: how much is a single human being worth? South Africa’s answer: 10.

Sports- Women’s National Basketball Association
Although not technically wrong, there is a line between being a helpful reference and just wasting paper. With over two pages dedicated to the WNBA, the 2003 World Almanac is guilty of killing and wasting trees.

Price – 19.95
Wrong. Two weeks ago I paid almost double that for this damn almanac. The people behind The World Almanac really need to be able to predict the changing value of the dollar and how much you will pay for an outdated reference when a man pulls you into an alley and holds you at knife point and demands you will pay an inordinate amount of money for said almanac. These things happen.

Public Outcry: How it's made: Turkey Killing Machines

2008-12-03T20:42:00.000-08:00

Banned Levi's Jeans Commercials

2008-12-01T14:18:00.000-08:00

Compared to the rest of the world, the USA gets pretty lame commercials. I once read that in Britain there was a commercial that had two naked chicks feeling each other up in a kiddie pool filled with Bailey’s Irish Cream. Interestingly enough, the commercial was for kiddie pools and not Bailey’s. The fact that booze and kiddie pools have the same demographic in the UK is just one of the many reasons they are more socially progressive than us.

Because I have an interest in all things banned and contraband, I have a collection of prohibited Levi Jean commercials on various VHS tapes, as well as a closet full of narcotics I have stolen from various police evidence closets in the state the New Jersey. If the technology existed, I would upload the videos onto the Internet but I’m afraid that day is a ways off. But when that day arrives, what a day it will be!

Because I cannot show you the commercials, I will describe them for you. After reading each description, simply close your eyes and allow your mind to take you where technology cannot!

Original air date: 12/12/1988
Description: A slightly aged (but still busty!) mother-figure is folding laundry on a bed. After folding a pair of Levi jeans she accidentally knocks the pair off the bed onto the ground. After picking up the jeans up, she realizes the rear side of the jeans are made out of hundred dollar bills. Perplexed by this, she turns the jeans over again. The side that was clearly denim a half a second earlier is now made entirely out of marijuana. The Levi logo fades in on the bottom right corner of the screen as she rolls a blunt using the jean money.

Original air date: 7/16/1994
Description: A pair of sentient jeans is running from the cops on a suburban street with a gun being held by a belt loop. The jeans kick down a door to a two-story home while returning fire through the dining room window as they climb the stairs. One of the bullets hits the police commissioner at the base of the throat. The jeans, still firing wildly, come to a bedroom balcony that overlooks the street and the now rapidly forming police barricade. A female cop with a megaphone urges the jeans to cooperate. The jeans yell back they’ve gotten their hands bloody before, but never bloody with cop blood and that there is no turning back now. The jeans then turn the 9mm on themselves but before the trigger is pulled a hail of sniper fire rips the denim apart. As the tattered jeans tumble over the balcony, the Levi logo appears in the bottom right corner of the screen.

Original air date: 5/9/2005
Description: An okay-looking man puts on a pair of Levi’s and a hot lady does not wrestle him to the ground and try to have sex with him. The reason this is banned may not be as clear as the other two (for one, it’s a federal crime to burn money and two, female cops don’t exist) so allow me to explain. Putting Levi’s on will always make hot ladies try to have sex with you. Always. If it doesn’t work, then you just haven’t bought enough. It is considered unethical to lie to customers, so the commercial was banned.

How do I tell if I had a successful Black Friday?

2008-11-28T18:40:00.001-08:00

Black Friday (observed) is the day the slaves were freed in 1865 and is now a huge shopping holiday. Stores commemorate human rights and the emerging of common sense by having doorbusters, early birds, and dawn scavenger sales. However, the successes of your shopping can not be determined by simple monetary values. As we know, there is more to life than just money and the saving of said money. This checklist is meant to itemize your Black Friday (observed) experiences to make sure you are living a fulfilling life.

___Did you cut in any lines?

___Did you see anyone get jacked in the face?

___Ratio between how much you spent/how much you were going to spend

___Ratio between how much you spent/your life savings

___How many crying babies did you tolerate?

___Did you witness a bitchfight?

___Did you use your charisma and experience from hard-living to cajole extra deals?

___How many people did you see that you never want to see again?

___Did you only shop at Wal-Mart (God, I love Wal-Mart)?

___Did you see someone driving the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Did you drive the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Was that you who almost fucking hit me?

___Did you do any shopping for your family?

___Did you even see your family?

___Did you shake the hand of a black man and thank him for this day?

___Did you accidentally wish someone "Merry Christmas" despite it being 28 days away?

Checks count as one points, and each dollar counts as .005 of a point. If you got over 3 points, congratulations! You are living a fulfilling life that does not need to be in check, because seriously, you got this life shit down. If you were that person who almost hit me, really? I mean, there were signs everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Turkey Day Around The World

2008-11-27T12:56:00.000-08:00

In America, Thanksgiving is obviously the celebration of the invention of hats with buckles on them. That fashion was then mercilessly imposed on the Native Americans and when they eventually caved, we celebrated with a turkey dinner.

But what about around the world? Holidays are by definition universal the world over (derived from the Latin roots hollus and dayus, which means “celebrated” and “by all motherfuckers,” respectively), so how does turkey day look in the scope of other cultures?

Ignorant reader, allow me to force-feed you some culture.

In Columbia…
A typical Colombian family will have a meal similar to an American Thanksgiving dinner. However, the side dishes, silverware, and the table itself will be made of cocaine. The turkey will remain typical poultry. Unless of course the family is poor. In which case, the turkey will be made of cocaine.

In Germany…
German children will spend the day before hiding their shoes. In all honesty, this isn’t really a German Thanksgiving thing as it is just a German thing in general.

In Jamaica…
John Candy goes door to door organizing families into bobsled teams. The families then race against the clock on a bobsled track three times. As is Jamaican custom, the first run is embarrassing, the second one is impressive, and the third and final run comes dangerously close to breaking an Olympic record but tragedy strikes and the bobsled flips over. The family then carries the bobsled to the finish line while receiving rousing applause in the process. Much like Americans, Jamaicans often confuse John Candy and Chris Farley.

In North Korea…
People starve as a frightening government pursues nuclear weaponry in lieu of any sort of social welfare program. It’s kind of like half of a Tom Clancy novel.

Famous Killing Machines: Henry David Thoreau

2008-11-24T09:09:00.000-08:00

Like this, but only if he were to bear children with Wood Man.

THOREAU-LY dead
His master plan did not work out so well. He imagined that, because of the war in Mexico, the law-enforcement of his town would be lacking. However, because everyone did not read his essays and continued to pay their taxes, the law-enforcement was even more plentiful. This means by the fourth house that he had broken into, there was already 5 officers following him, and continuously hitting him with batons. The killing machine was cumbersome, and when he tried to swing his saw-arms at the police, they would just step out of the way, knowing that it would take another 5 minutes for Throeau to build up the strength to swing again. Annoyed, Thoreau tried to lit off his fireworks and shoot them out of his torso, but this proved fatal for Thoreau, as his clothes were made entirely of gunpowder.

John Wayne LEGACY
Emerson tried to do a similar thing, but the "Self-Killiance" never really took his town by storm. As such, he injected himself with pneumonia and died. The clothing explosion of Thoreau cost the lives of four police officers. In commemoration of this and to make sure that nothing like this happened again, the nation started destroying nature.

Field Research: Dropping Acid and Going To An NHL Game

2008-11-21T14:51:00.001-08:00

The following is a transcript from a tape recorder. In a realization that if someone asked him if he knew if going to a professional hockey game on acid is really scary he would not be able to supply a sufficient answer, Mr. Jones attended a Black Hawk’s game in the proper state to answer the such a question.

The tape recorder that this transcript is derived from was found in a tube stock about half a block away from the office of The Guide. It is as follows:

How much is too much? Worse yet, how much is too little. What’s the point of doing this if I don’t take enough. What if I take too much acid and it lodges in my brain and I forget stuff? Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t forget how to swim, my friends would be so disappointed. Swimming is what birds do in the sky, but for fish. [Tape recorder drops] Gravity shouldn’t still work if the ice is bleeding. Stop bleeding ice. GODDAMIT SOMEONE HELP THE ICE. People are staring but they are not helping the ice. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU STAND IDLEY BY WHEN THE ICE IS BLEEDING?! [Children’s voice being hushed by parent] Yes! At least you guys understand. You go get help and I’ll make sure the bleeding doesn’t get worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Horse. I can get home and avoid traffic if I ride bareback to back to the office. I don’t know how to ride bareback. I need a bareback, though. Names are names for a reason. Shirt off. [People laughing] Oh God. They’re laughing because they don’t think I know how to ride bareback. I have to commit. Act like a professional. Pants off. [People screaming] Sound is a playground and screams are the bullies! Can’t let bullies catch me! [Pounding footsteps] [Panting] Screams are fast. They’re following me. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. Parkinglotisbleedingtoo. [Panting] Gotta stop the bleeding. Apply pressure. [Police sirens] Nononono. Man in blue wants me to stand up. Can’t stand up because I can’t release pressure. Man in blue is not a man of math. He doesn’t understand the transitive property. If it bleeds, I bleed. Then if I bleed, he bleeds too. [Cop yelling] LET GO! I’M SAVING ALL OF US!

How do I cut away from in-jokes?

2008-11-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

In-jokes in everyday conversation are a bane to strangers and potential booty calls. The conversation becomes an archaic labyrinth of mystery and disinterest, as you make callbacks to that one thing your friend said when your guys went to see the midnight showing of Space Chimps dead drunk.

This is no way to net poon.

Instead, here is some anecdotal advice about how you can shy away from terrible stories of your stupidity.

Don't Digress
Always stay on subject. Never take your -mouth-eyes off the vocal-prize. I learned this lesson from one time when Mr. Jones and I were clubbing, as we usually do. It was a foam party and we both noticed this girl and fancied her equally. He starts talking and stuff so I tried to stop him by saying "Rocklicked" really loud. We both laughed really loudly, because that relates back to an earlier story where we went to WWE RAW. Mr. Jones really wanted to see Ric Flair, and while we were there, this security guard came up to us and asked us what we were doing, and Mr. Jones was all like "Hey mister, what's the mustard?" and I could only hope to contain my laughter, because that was just like the time we were at this opium den.

Reevaluate your personal stories
Some of those tales you weave in order to better your appearance are not as effective as you think. In fact, a study done by the University of Thug claims that "your stupid ass stories ain't no shit." (Curtis, 2007) From this point we can see that you should trim the fat and only use the best "Pories." Sorry, personal stories. Pories came into being when we happened across a homeless man who was eating the remainder of a police horse. Both the hobo and the horse reeked of blood and nightmares, but we told him, in unison, to "wrap it up" which goes back to when we were both generals in the Vietnam War, but for entirely different reasons. Well, both of them do relate to blood and nightmares in a way. I guess.

Have possible topics in mind
Read a newspaper or find some random fact sites on the internet so you can have an axillary conversation in the "wings." Sorry, that one was for Mr. Jones. He loves "that show." Sorry, that one was for me, because I loved That 80's Show. It was such a good series, it's a shame it never got the attention it deserved. Did you ever watch it? It's like what my persona hero John Grisham once said: "sometimes the best puppies are the ones who have to get shot first." I think he said it. It might have been my dad.

How do chairmen of the FCC get appointed?

2008-11-17T18:18:00.001-08:00

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is the government agency that regulates the airwaves. It is there work, and only their work, that keeps 9 year-olds across the country safe from the horrors of side boob.

The FCC regulates other things as well, including language, but mostly side boob. This is a good thing because side boob is a lot like front boob, only way more terrifying and confusing. Just like how it’s really weird when you don’t recognize a friend from a weird angle, side boob can cause confusion in children and make them believe that side boob is a beast all it’s own, instead of just boob from a different vantage point.

Although extensive literature exists on side boob, the real issue is how does one get in the position to regulate side boob on the public airwaves? The answer is a closely guarded secret that pits a potential FCC chairman on a trial he will no doubt find difficult while at the same time enlightening. The trial comes in three steps, culminating in an FCC initiation ceremony.

Step 1: The Ungoodening
An individual seeking the coveted position must simply borrow a loved one’s favorite VHS (without them knowing, discreetness is crucial) and redub all the swear words into retarded nonsense that effectively ruin the feel of the movie. Bonus points are received if the altering of swears actually changes the plot in a significant way. Bonus points can be redeemed for a personal censorship keychain, which is actually just a Taboo buzzer taped to a keychain.

Step 2: The Unudening
An individual take a porn VHS (it must be a VHS, this is crucial) and using nothing more than a VHS and another blank tape cut it in such a way that it looks just like a poorly acted movie where a busty woman gets her TV fixed, pipes fitted, pizza delivered, pool cleaned, stabled shoveled, or house demolished.

Step 3: The Unwalleting
You must find a man in a flannel jacket (it must be flannel, this is crucial) and fine him everytime he does something you don’t particularly like. Word of warning: as someone not yet initiated as an FCC chairman you have no authority to demand he pay his fine. You must either be really convincing or take it from by force. Just be careful that the man in the flannel jacket is actually male and not just a well-built lesbian. The FCC does not take kindly to those who collect money from larger homosexual women who are dressed like lumberjacks.

The Ceremony
I have no idea what takes place in the ceremony. I didn’t make it this far. I like boobs and swearing too much. Also, I beat up a lesbian. Not because she was a lesbian, but because she was wearing flannel and I didn’t read the debriefing very well.

They did let me have the Taboo buzzer, though.

How do I sneak into a daycare center?

2008-11-14T00:01:00.000-08:00

While Mr. Jones maybe right with his claims to superior jingle ability or jingbility, one thing that has rubbed off on him is a penchant into invading privacy and being places he does not belong. For awhile, our slogan was "The things we learned from invading privacy and being places we do not belong," but Law and Order came on the air 5 months later and we realized that we had to completely rework every jingle to fit its theme song. Our current motto can be seen on our banner, and can be sung to the theme to the Law and Order theme song, SVU arrangement.

Back to the heart of the manner, Mr Jones suggested that people should break into daycares and whisper slogans to 2-3 year old kids as they napped. I fully condone this, but you cannot just sneak into a daycare center on a whim. It takes carefully planning, training, and observation, which I will condense into a few sparse paragraphs.

1. Know the schedules - You cannot barge into a daycare and expect that nap time is always at 11:30 (in fact, you shouldn't barge into the daycare at all due to the nature of this mission. Keep this in mind.) Know the times of coffee breaks, smoke breaks and nap breaks that the teachers push on the children.

2. Keep on the DL -Observe the operations of the daycare for a full day from a non-suspicious van. It is important that people do not think you are watching them as they are against your guerrilla sloganing, so it's important to make sure your van has as few windows as possible.

3. Have an exit strategy - Lets say you somehow screwed up our advice and got caught when trying to sneak in. Always know where the the closest door, window, or incinerator is at all times. If you take interest in the theatre, go incognito as someone who would not be out of place at a daycare center. This includes, but not limited to, mailmen, parents, grandparents, confused people, Santa Claus child predators, and candymen. Be creative with your disguises. Even if you get caught, you can hope that they will at least appreciate the innovation you brought to your disguises and will let you off.

IF you are caught in one place, chances are your whole operation will be compromised as the daycare center community is a very tight-knit group when it comes to people guerrilla sloganing. I think it's because they hate America.

How do I make a marketable slogan for annoymous sex?

2008-11-12T11:06:00.000-08:00

Leon Firestone claims to know a lot about making marketable slogans for promoting anonymous sex but the fact of the matter is he acquired the skill from me. For record, this isn’t me getting on my “I’m the master” soapbox. In many partnerships the transferring of skills from one partner to another is a natural process that should be embraced. While I may have taught Leon everything he knows about making sex slogans, I have learned plenty by his hand. I have him to thank about everything I know about the process of making crystal meth. He also taught me how to ride a bike.

With that being said, I am very much the master and here are some tips towards making that slogan for anonymous sex that you’ve always wanted. Not only that, but by going through these steps, I will create an example slogan to help you learn.

Step 1: Make sure the slogan starts with a condition people can immediately identify with.
White Hen’s slogan was “When you run out, run out to White Hen.” As a slogan for anonymous sex it’s subpar, as a slogan in general it’s a pretty solid representation. The “When you run out” part is key because it gives listeners a condition to identify with and because it comes first and grabs attention. People do run out and when they think about running out of something, that little slogan pops into their head. You have to do the same thing but for anonymous sex. Phrases like “When you want to bone with a stranger…” or “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore…” For our example, we’ll choose the latter.

Step 2: List the location for anonymous sex.
There is nothing worse than being told to meet someone at a glory hole only to not be able to find it in time. This confusion is often called "Glory-Holers remorse." Communication is key with anonymous sex because of the fact no names are exchanged. There is absolutely no margin for error because you can’t call or text the person to remedy any miscommunications. Using this and by building off of step one, the example slogan now reads “If you feel the urge to gte your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street.”

Step 3: Clarify that location.
I can’t stress the need for clarification enough. Think about some confusion that may arise from the location and address them in the slogan. Now the slogan reads, “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street.”

Step 4: Make it musical.
I know there is a difference between a slogan and a jingle, but that doesn’t mean a slogan can’t have a sing-song quality! “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street” becomes a much catchier slogan when you sing it to the theme of Law & Order. You’re free to make up your own melody but why bother? The Law & Order theme is pretty sweet.

Step 5: Get people to repeat it.
Between the ages of 2-3, children are prone to repeat almost anything they hear. During naptime, sneak into a daycare and repeatedly whisper it into every child’s ear. When they wake up, your slogan will reach new levels of circulation.

How do I solicit sex in a gas station?

2008-11-10T21:25:00.000-08:00

The holiday season is approaching and, as we all know, gas station bathroom sex becomes more imperative to you operating as a human being. Actually initiating these bathroom rendezvouses is a different story. Here are some tricks of the trade that I have picked up from the last 30 years of anonymous, but sweet bathroom sex.

(Note: I know this might be surprising for some readers, but this is not me coming out of the closet. Bathroom sex and homosexuality can be mutually exclusive interests. This isn't gay or anything, this is just men admiring each others strength.)

1. Find a reliable gas station

Reliability in gas stations and gas station bathrooms are not directly correlated. The nicer the gas station, the less likely you will find people who are willing to sully it. In my personal experience, the best folk you can find will be in Phillips 66 gas station bathrooms. I swear by this and have sent in letters and made phone calls to see if they would be interested in using me for an advertising campaign. However, we could not reach an agreement. Not only because it was not an image they were looking for, but the slogan I proposed was "Get away from your nagging, lifeless failures for 15 magical (or at least interesting) minutes." In hindsight I see that this was not a good slogan. I'll break this down later for "How do I make a marketable slogan to promote anonymous sex?"

2. The writing on the walls

The bathroom wall was a more intimate precursor to the internet. It functioned as both the best parts of Craigslist and the worst parts of 4chan combined through an unholy union of Sharpie and metal. Go from stall to stall and examine the last posts. Wade through the filler like "first!" and "Want to be a hero in bed?" to find actual times and dates. Just like the internet, be wary of the ads you choose to answer, because a RickRoll is highly possible. You have to plan around the posters schedule, something that is a lot easier to do once you realize your family is dead weight and life is much better just roaming bathroom to bathroom while the snow falls and the nights grow colder and longer.

3. ...Or just do your own thing
If you feel daring, you can always go for the series of toe-taps, tongue clicks and bird calls to find any potential people around you. You can also say code phrases. I personally say "so then the guy says rectangle?" I know I found a possible person if I hear the response "Damn near killtangle." Not only does this find possible mates, but matches on a much more personal level. Of course, that doesn't matter, because you are never gonna see them again, but it's the thought that makes the whole process go much smoother, and smoothness is going to be in need.

4... Or just go on the real internet
Mybathroombuddies.com . It's a great resource of local directories, profiles, interests, and what possibly friends are looking for in random truck stop hook-ups. You can also tell tales of woe on how your life use to be before you started pursuing random truck stop hook-ups. These are usually tear jerkers, but always inspirational.

So there you go. No extravagant stories on my past experience of gas station sex, but I think I get the point across that anyone can partake. Especially at the Phillips 66 on 156 and Kinkade Street. At three, six, nine, and twelve. Everyday. Not gay.

The process of becoming a saint, explained

2008-11-07T17:56:00.000-08:00

We’ve all got that friend. That friend that’s a real cool guy, but you can’t help but feel he’s better than you. He never mentions it and to be honest, he probably would be offended if you brought it up to him. That’s because he’s humble, and that is only one of the many reasons he’s better than you.

So you spend your nights awake, your unblinking stare burning a hole into your ceiling as you wonder what’s it going to take for me to one up this motherfucker? You could get a PhD. That would give you a feeling of superiority over him. But what if invest your heart and soul into academia only to have him still make more money than you. In that case, he’s even better than you because he didn’t try nearly as hard as you did.

The answer? Become a saint. Your friend will find it hard to be superior to a Goddamn saint and if he still manages to give off that pompous vibe at least you know you’re better because being a douche bag to a saint makes the saint more superior of a person by default. I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the Constitution that explains it. If not, it’s so prevalent in our American culture that it might as well be.

They don’t just hand out halos, though. This is probably for the best because if they were free or you could buy them, it’s safe to assume your better-than-you-always friend would have one. He has everything.

Well what you have to do is perform three miracles. I always thought miracle was a vague term, but I called the Vatican and they faxed me a transcript and it turns out it’s not really vague at all. It’s actually very simple to understand, and I feel a little stupid about being ignorant about it for so long.

This was what the fax had to say on the subject of attaining sainthood:

A saint must complete at LEAST one miracle from three of the miracle domains; repeated miracles in the same category do not count towards sainthood.

Miracles of the Helpy Variety
-Devote your entire life to helping someone that’s totally going to end up dying on you
-Help a group of people that are unaware of God by making them balls scared of Him
-Invent a machine that feeds people and that is powered by prayer
-Plan a fundraiser

Miracles of the Flashy Variety
-Win of a game of HORSE by only making shots with eyes closed and facing the wrong direction
-Fight a guy on the top of the train but the fight has to end with a guy not noticing the fast approaching tunnel until it’s too late
-Make a stranger cry
-Hunt vampires and make it seem like it’s not the coolest thing ever

Miracles of the Holy Variety
-Convince a bunch of people that everything looks like the Virgin Mary
-Call out a priest for referencing the wrong passage in the bible
-Eat a whole box of a Communion wafers
-Bleed from the eyes

Saints also need to take a computer literacy class, which can be waived with a satisfactory exam score.

It's that simple.

Key moments in American-Hologram history

2008-11-05T12:29:00.000-08:00

Yesterday was no doubt an important time for America and for the world. In fact, it is now a national holiday in Kenya. Loosely translated to "Day of Transperant Visage," it's a day set aside to recognize the importance of CNN and its new use of hologram reporting, which brings centuries old technology to the media's forefront. Here is a breif history on how the hologram has helped out America in the past, and will no doubt prove more helpful in days to come (how could they not?)

1775 - The hologram was first used during the Revolutionary War, when the King would broadcast himself into the colonies and deliver stern speeches about how these defectors will be crushed. No one took him seriously. This was due both to his message to the colonies, and Benjamin Franklin would do this thing where he would pretend like he was humping the King, but the King had no idea why everyone was laughing. This is how Benjamin Franklin got the nickname "Ol' King Porker," something we can see on our 100 dollar bills to this day.

1864 - General Lee fooled General George McClellan by broadcasting the holograms of soldiers into his army of 20 to add an additional 40 ghosts of fallen soldiers. This caused George McClellan to say his famous catch phrase "G-g-g-ghost!" and run away with him army following him. As per orders, the troop's saxophone boy was ordered to play Yakety Sax during the retreat.

1921 - Chicago speakeasies used holograms as decoys to distract police officers during raids. This led to the arrest of 36 different individuals who were actually made out of light. Their legacy can be learned at the Museum of Science and Industry, and in the city's election process, where each 36 has voted 7 times in every election since 1921.

1945 - The Japanese try to execute a kamikaze attack on Pearl Harbor for the second time, only it has been replaced with a hologram. There are no American casualties, and very few Japanese casualties surprisingly. After it was realized that it was a hologram, the Japanese knew they could not return home because returning home from a kamikaze mission would bring dishonor. Instead, they just flew around aimlessly, trying to find something that was worthy of flying into it. They ended up settling in Mexico and building the bar which would later be the model bar used in Cheers. A call out to them can be seen on a special thanks during the famous last episode, when a Japanese plane crashes into the bar.

Blogging Ethics

2008-11-03T10:06:00.000-08:00

Leon and I just recently completed The Survival Guide’s first book tour. The tour started in Kansas City, took us to Detroit and ended in the beautiful city of Newark, New Jersey. It should be noted that the Survival Guide does not have a published book, nor do we really have the intention of doing so. Leon and I are just confident in our abilities as writers that we felt that we could warrant a book tour without actually having published anything tangible.

Correction: anything tangible of literary merit. On every odd weekend I publish and distribute my own version of the Federal Papers that accuses a chubby boy from the neighborhood of being a total pussy. I’m not crazy, though; I know this pamphlet onslaught does not have literary merit. It does however, have journalistic merit.

It's a lot like this, except the word pussy appears three times as frequently.

In Detriot, a young man asked us blogging ethics. To put this into a timeline, this was after our car was stolen but before we were mugged and at the exact same time a guy peed on Leon.

We were stumped. We didn’t know what to say. And this wasn’t because we were overcome by the pungent smell of urine wafting off of Leon. All too often he reeks of urine and we have both become accustomed to dealing with it. After a while it became endearing, like a family dog that can’t stop farting.

Blogging ethics? At the risk of sounding unprofessional, I told the young man that sounds totally fucking gay. The blogosphere (which concidentially, is located in Newark) is far too diverse to impose a single set of ethics.

In response he stated that Eric Mueller, a law professor, felt that blogs “can be a check on big media.”

I told him that citing sources was for pussies. And that makes him a pussy. Although I do not know this man’s name, chubby boy from the neighborhood will receive a few weeks reprieve because my Federalist Pussy Papers just found a new target.

So no, for the first time, Leon and I have nothing to say on the subject of blogging ethics. However! We do have a set of rules that will help you identify a shitty blog.

Look at the URL.
Is .blogspot located in the url? If it is, it means whoever writes the blog is a jackass that can’t afford hosting on a service that isn’t free. The only thing worse is if the blog has a .com address that just takes you to a blogspot website. This means the fuckers were only willing to drop the 3 dollars for a domain name and operate under the impression that it makes them more official somehow. Stay away at all costs.

Are they using their real names?
People that are not willing to divulge to write under their real names are not to be trusted. For example, my name is Mr. Jones. If I wanted to deceive readers into thinking I am someone else, I would use a fake name like Dr. Bones. No one has the first name of Dr., that’s just retarded. Stay away from assholes that use titles like they are first names.

Do they frequently refer to things that are obviously fictional as if they are real?
There is nothing shittier in a blog than building up a mythology. Here at the Survival Guide, you know damn well whenever we reference our office it exists in a determinate location and everything in it as we real as it say it is. Especially the giant skunk ape we keep in the attic. Again, if you answer yes to this question, the sooner you stop reading the better.

Does the blog have a banner at the top of the page, depicted a black and white illustration of two men in a flying machine?
Be careful when deciding whether or not something is a flying machine or not. Hang gliders, for example, are not flying machines. Airplanes though? Totally are. This gives a new meaning to the old saying “If the blog has an airplane in the banner at the top, tell your friends it sucks.”

How do I properly tell ghost stories?

2008-10-31T13:10:00.000-07:00

The ghost story is an art that harkens back to the traditional ways in which we told stories, with campfires roaring and our cannibalistic bloodlust for other tribes and families subsided for the day. While campfires have turned into burning log channels, humans still love a good frightening story and the curiosity of tasting human flesh. Delicious, succulent human flesh.

Be a hit at your Halloween party with these helpful, yet spooktacular, hints:

Flashlight
Place a light source right under your face, and wait for the scares to happen! Evidently, this will scare people. This actually comes from a psychological experiment where subjects were put into a room and looked at other people in perfect light, then the lights were turned off and subjects were given flashlights. When the lights were turned off, people were completely and utterly frightened about what was going on and what that gnawing sound was. It is believed that the selective light made them completely frightened, and not the panther they released when the lights went off.

Voice of horror
I'm the first one to admit that I am not a good coach, but just imitate my voice.

"Good EEEEEEEVennnIIIINNNG! Are yoooooooou READY for a SCAaaaaaaare?!* This Ssssssssssssssssssssssstory of Woe?! There was CHILD whoooooooo..."

I think that's a good representative sample. Just go with that.

*this means do this in a W.C. fields voice. Not all of that sentence, but the good parts.

Bold means say this in such a way that comes off sincere, but also like you just killed the goldfish you were suppose to be looking after while your neighbor went on vacation

Italics means just listen to your heart.

Eat one of your listeners
Here me out. Only one of them. This way, people think he's in on the joke. If you go after all of them they'll be like "no, don't eat all of us" but that one guy could just be a really good actor. This is why this advice works best when your friends are really convincing actors. If not, you can find them under city overpasses at night.

Elicit Celebrity Habits Of A Chilling Quality or AN OTHERWISE HALLOWEEN-Y NATURE!

2008-10-29T16:53:00.000-07:00

It was brought to my attention that Halloween is fast approaching, I felt this strange because Halloween is approaching at a rate no different than any other day because that’s how clocks fucking work.

Nonetheless, I wanted to get into the spirit of things. If tabloids are any reflection on us as a culture (and they certainly are, along with bullfighting and handjerkerhelper.com), we have an infatuation with celebrity life. Combined with the end of October’s infatuation with the spooky (a word that rode the short bus if there ever was one), I have been recently motivated to borrow a large sum of money from my associate, Leon Firestone, and travel to Hollywood and discover the following shocking facts about our betters:

If you gaze into Zoe Deschanel’s eyes for an extended period of time she tells you how you're ancestors died!If you ask her to stop, she merely continues at a higher volume!

Cuban Gooding Jr. targets and slays curvacious baristas and keeps their bodies in a Smart Car at an indeterminate location!

Jeffery Katzenberg, CEO of DreamWorks animation, had a son that died at space camp. This is why the DreamWorks logo depicts a ghost boy haunting the moon! Why he is fishing is unknown.

Perhaps he is fishing for the life that never came to fruition?

Steven Spielberg has a horrible secret and it is as follows: his love is real. But he is not.

Christopher Lloyd has a little known record of starting fires in high rises and waiting at the bottom of fire escapes with mouth agape, trapping his victims not unlike a Venus flytrap!

Halle Berry is a frequent rider of public transportation despite owning countless sports cars because she likes being reconized on the bus!

Bullshit or bulltruth: cold remedies

2008-10-27T14:21:00.000-07:00

Colds are a natural way the body keeps your ego in check by leaving you annoyed by sniffling and coughing, but is not contagious enough to warrant sick days. These days often leave you looking disheveled, you feel out of place, and nothing seems to click like it use to. You are right to assuming that this is just like getting blazed for 5 days straight, only imagine also being covered in your own mucus and getting your face kicked in. So in this case, it's like that one time I got blazed for 5 days straight. HOWEVER(!), you need not worry about your bloodied, mucus covered face no more, as here are some cold remedies that have either passed the test of time, or failed the midterm of duration.

Lots of vitamin C
Verdict: Bulltruth
As we discovered in an earlier post, Vitamin C is a great singer who does wonders for your immune system. Just by listening to her cover of "Pomp and Circumstance" on loop, your body will undergo its recovery process. It is important to note that full recovery comes with listening to the song at least 157 times in one sitting. While this seems manageable, keep in mind that most people only last 3 listens until committing musical suicide. Still, it is a risk you should take. Do it. Do it, pussy.

Bed rest
Verdict: Bullshit-ish
The annual total of bed deaths is rising every year, leaving this myth behind on the times. There might have been a time where this was true, before Americans started making beds that would randomly smother sleepers for nothing more than fun. But these are the times we live in, and beds can just no longer be trusted. Sleep still might be effective in combating colds, so just try to sleep elsewhere. Note that if you sleep in a tree, you are out of the reach of bears. I read that somewhere, so you can apply that to your current predicament. You can also try sleeping on the ground, but beware of the possible repercussions.

Yaks blood
Verdict: Bulltruth
As expected, drinking the daily recommended supply of yaks blood that doctors have been pushing for the past 50 years does wonders for your body. Not only will it cure your cold, but embiggen your muscles and immediately melt any tumors you have in your body and turn them into ice cream.

Sweetest Day Explained

2008-10-24T10:34:00.000-07:00

Sweetest Day has come and gone and much like Boxing Day, Memorial Day, The Day of the Dead, Bastille Day, Yom Kippur, and Walter Payton’s Birthday, no one really knows where Sweetest Day came from or how to celebrate it. Personally, I thought it had something to do with diabetes awareness until my associate, Leon Firestone, pointed out it’s a hallmark holiday that’s pretty much like Valentine’s Day. Skeptical, I demanded evidence. He then pointed to a collection of Sweetest Day flowers arranged at the front of Dominick’s. I did not feel this was a compelling argument because people with diabetes can enjoy receiving flowers as much as the next person. Needless to say, I am willing to entertain the thought that Sweetest Day has the purposes of honoring loved ones even though it’s obvious that Leon Firestone hates people with diabetes, something him and I do not see eye to eye on.

The question still remains: how does one celebrate Sweetest Day? Insofar as I can tell, the process goes as follows.

Step 1: Find a loved one.
Take some time out of your day and think about someone you really love. When you think you’ve decided, spend some extra time with that person. Remember: loved one doesn’t mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It can be a member of your family. This should bring you to step 2.

Step 2: Realize that loved one is kind of lame.
What the hell were you thinking? I know I said it’s cool to pick a family member but I was just trying to make you feel better. What if you picked your mom for Sweetest Day and your best friend picked a supermodel he met on the El and they have tons of crazy awesome sex because of it? You would feel so lame. I would be ashamed to be your best friend at that point. If I was your best friend and you picked your mom for Sweetest Day, I would take your number out of my cell phone so fast it would make your head spin. Not like I’d need friends at that point anyway, because of all the crazy awesome sex with a supermodel would fill the void left by friendship.

Step 3: Drink lots of whiskey and drunk dial an old love interest.
Alcohol makes you charming. That’s a scientific fact. So by that logic, lots of alcohol would make you so charming that an ex-lover would be willing to forget about the time you made out with her sister because they look the exact same from behind. She had a very mature body for a 15-year old, alright? It was an honest mistake. These things happen.

Step 4: Agree to meet them at a location.
Make sure you pick a place you are both familiar with. Like near the dumpster where, hypothetically speaking, she tried to stab you with a switch comb after you made out with her mom because she also looked very similar from behind. I think it’s a genetic thing. I can’t be blamed for being fooled by genetics.

Step 5: Give that person lots of candy.
Straightforward enough. Although word of warning: if that person actually does have diabetes, this can be construed as a hostile action. If that’s the case and you accidentally offend the person, don’t worry. I find that making out with a person’s aunt at Thanksgiving does a pretty good job of burying the hatchet for these kind of things.

Famous Killing Machines: Jules Sylvester

2008-10-22T00:00:00.000-07:00

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle

Humble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!

The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY

Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.

In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"

May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.

His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.

The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.

This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.

Historic Failures: The Pony Express

2008-10-20T17:26:00.000-07:00

For as long as there have been horses, there have been people demanding horses delivered to their door. Even though horses have been domesticated since about 3000 B.C. when man discovered the scientific break-through of punching horses in the head until they do what you want them to, it wasn’t until 1860 and the Pony Express that the world saw its very first horse delivery service.

President James K. Polk was upset with the fact it took him about six months for him to have a horse delivered to the far west. Like any self-respecting man, Polk wanted his horses sent places in a timely fashion. Towards the end of his presidency, he began to divert tax money to a secret project that would eventually give the world the Pony Express.

Unfortunately for Polk (and tax payers nationwide), the project would turn out to bear bitter fruits. Bitter, horse-killing fruits.

A nameless scientist who worked on Polk’s project had the following to say on the methodology of the Pony Express:

"Horses are pretty fast, right? What if we tied one horse to another horse and made it run real fast to the desired location. That’d be pretty cool. We’d have to tie the horses real tight because horses are pretty heavy, but I think there’s some real potential here. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my brother can tie a real good knot. Mmhmm."

Ultimately, the Pony Express was a failure. Unless of course you consider pairs of bonded horses tumbling down creeks and ravines so they land in broken heaps and unable to graze because of grievous injuries that would eventually lead to either starvation or death at the hands of elements to be successful. In that case, it was very successful.

How the hell where the horses supposed to know where to go? Come the fuck on.

Haunted History: The Little Rascals Curse

2008-10-17T11:18:00.000-07:00

It is common knowledge that child actors have had the most fruitful, successful lives. Beaver of "Leave it to Beaver" fame lived on a giant mountain of money and naked women, and owned half of India before he died while bravely fighting in Vietnam from overdose. Shirley Temple has been largely successful in her post-childhood career, and is now the number one hostess of high-class crystal meth parties found in most homeless shelters. Even the kid from Jerry McGuire earned his life of privilege and has since amassed a fortune, alternating through experiments and pimping. The Little Rascals were not so fortunate. Instead, each of the little rapscallions has met a most unfortunate death, as the Hollywood fate machine chewed them up like a bunch of beef jerky soaked in a fine red wine. In no specific order, here are the destinies that Little Rascal actors found after living life in the fast lane.

Alfalfa
In a drug deal gone astray, he died at age 29 accidentally from a mishandled switchblade which he meant to stab into other people!

Chubby
Chubby's incredibly overweight body was due to a glandular problem he had at birth. He died at his home from pneumonia, because when he use to lay around at home and watch TV all day, he would actually lay AROUND THE HOME and watch TV all day! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

Buckwheat
Died of R.Y.N.N.U.I.S.P.D.W.B. (Running Through a Neighborhood Naked Under the Influence of Several Powerful Drugs While Black!)

Darla Hood
She once got her car broken into. It was really scary, but they only took road maps for some reason. Either way, you have to admit it is unsettling!

Brisban
Started his own karate dojo in the suburbs of New York, but when it came time for a demonstration for new students and their ever-so-hot mothers, he could never break both planks of wood with a single chop!

Froggy
Wanted to swim with sharks once, but he had a condition that made his heart explode upon thinking that!

Mickey Daniels
Cooties!

Stymie
Lives a relatively normal life... but his son has downs syndrome!

Scott Beckett
Became a carnie, but only with moderate success!

Wheezer
Found with a tranny and suitcase of blow at a child's birthday party he was entertaining.

Pete the Pup
Tried to run for president, assassinated

Spanky
The only one to escape the clutches of Little Rascals fate, Robert Blake went on to star in Hell Town, where he was a small town preacher with you teachers morality through the works of apositles Smith and Wesson. Nothing bad has ever happened to him.

The Works of Sigmund Freud Explained

2008-10-15T15:09:00.000-07:00

Sigmund Freud is more or less the father of modern psychology. Not only that, but he was a trailblazer in an effort that tried to explain modern human sexuality. Arguably (and everything here at the Guide is arguable), his three essays on sexuality are perhaps his most important works.

However, these essays are pretty self-explanatory and really do not need to be explained. When he talks about anal retention in children it’s pretty self-explanatory: kids like to hold their shit in until they take massive dumps. That’s like psychology and childhood education 101. Huge dumps is one of the wonders of childhood; it’s like the Easter Bunny or Holy Communion.

What does need explaining is Freud’s other works. The ones no one talks about. While he was writing extensive literature on the human mind, Freud also wrote a lot of things people didn’t understand.

In 1901 Freud wrote a short novella about a man that gets turned into a gay cockroach. Interestingly enough, only fifteen years later Franz Kafka wrote The Metamorphosis which was had a very similar premise except it didn’t involve a gay cockroach. Needless to say, Kafka’s book caught on whereas Freud’s book only became popular with fans of a very small homoerotic insect niche. In art (and Freud championed that this was very much art) when one asks “why?” one actually asks “what effect does this have?” In this case, Freud was trying to capture the struggles of the homosexual identity. Also, he really liked gay bugs.

He also had a rough draft for a fourth essay on sexuality titled “The Problem with Bitches.” The essay was divided into three parts, which were titled ‘Bitches Think They Know Me,” “But The Bitches Don’t Know Me,” and “You Hear That Bitches? You Don’t Know Shit.” Historians and psychologists alike have tried to find meaning in this unpublished work but the explanation is simple: Freud had lady troubles. And he probably had lady troubles because he referred to women as bitches.

Freud was also notorious for archiving all his shopping lists probably as a result of OCD. What is not understood about these shopping lists is that Freud would always write “balls” on every list and underline it twice. Although some weird emasculating mental condition where Freud felt he needed to constantly buy his manhood every week is possible, I think Freud just had the sense of humor of a 12-year old. Because, you know what? Balls are pretty funny.

2 Minute Biography: Thomas Kinkade

2008-10-12T18:32:00.000-07:00

Thomas Kinkade, "Master of Light," is encountered when making a pass through the Thonston village on the third disc of the game. Upon leaving for Belsgar Castle, your party will encounter Thomas Kinkade hustling a kiosk worker for protection money. Dactus (default name of main character, but I personally named him Bucket,) and his party (who I named FancyPants, Mr. T, and Vaginamite) try to step in, but did not realize that it was Thomas Kinkade disguised as a human. Upon confrontation, Kinkade grows to is usual 13 foot tall proportions with proficiencies in wind and holy attacks.

Before this fight, make you stock up on some soft, because Thomas Kinkade will turn someone into stone after every attack. I had Vaginamite on healing the entire battle, with FancyPants nuking and Mr. T as a tank. Make sure you arrange your materia to reflect these, and also Kinkade's weaknesses. To fight against wind, use demi or grav. To fight holy, equip logic.

Review: Try filling out this weakness chart by memory! Hint... Autism cuts like diamonds.

When you see the lens flare, that means Thomas Kinkade will do his powerful Sun Beam attack during his next turn. When Thomas Kinkade is below 200 HP, he will use his scorpion tail for a poison attack. For some reason, the poison is too powerful and cannot be cured by antidote, and will only go over when you pick up Kinkade's Elixir after it is dropped in battle, along with 377 gil and a ATK+3 painting of a snowy mainstreet in small-town U.S.A.

How do I kill vampires?

2008-10-09T23:23:00.000-07:00

Based on the widespread popularity of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight, a crippling fear of vampires and the teen section of the bookstore are becoming more commonplace. Unfortunately, mustering up the courage to walk through the teen literature section is a journey someone must make on their own. On the plus side, the graphic novel and comic section are usually not far away.

Vampires, on the other hand, are another story.

For reasons not completely understood to me, vampires have a very strong sex appeal for some people. As a result, it seems only a natural course of action to destroy them whenever possible. Some guys have enough trouble getting laid without undead ladymen with new wave haircuts getting in the way.

Don’t use crosses.
Look. Ain’t nobody afraid of a motherfucking cross, especially vampires. If anything, vampires are less afraid of them because they’re so badass. I don’t know where the cross thing started, but let’s just put something into perspective: if vampires were weak to a pair of perpendicular lines they’d never bite anybody.

Or garlic.
Okay, sure, maybe a few very specific vampires have a food allergy but the chances are stacked against you. We’re killing vampires so we can get laid here and no one’s going to want to talk to you if smell like garlic, anyway.

Holy water also doesn’t work.
Holy water doesn’t really have much use beyond making babies cry in the middle of church when they get baptized. Using this logic, it might make baby vampires cry. You don’t want to make them cry so much as you want to stop them from growing up into super seductive dudes so just toss it in a garbage bag and throw it in a river instead.

It doesn’t even matter if you bury them at a crossroads.
If they’re dead, they’re dead. It doesn’t matter where you bury them. Too bad they won’t be dead because they’ll be too busy banging all the hotties while we try stuff that doesn’t work. Goddammit. Who thinks of this shit?

We are so screwed.

D.I.Y. Time: How do I make arts?

2008-10-08T09:44:00.000-07:00

Since there has been man, there has been art. Cavemen created their arts by using rocks and clay to draw on walls, and later used those same rocks to kill other cavemen or sabretooth tigers. Being turbulent times for both visual communication and bloodlust, several historians refer to this period as the "Holy Shit" period. Their justification: when was the last time you ever saw someone kill somebody with a paint brush or colored pencils? How about killing a sabretooth tiger with brushes and pencils? Since the "Holy Shit" period, art has gotten much less manly, but is still practiced today by both professional artists and people who have yet to let their dream die. Art is a broad subject to sum up in one definition, but for the sake of this entry, art is "anything that would look good above the fireplace of the Survival Guide office, right next to the wax replica of Muhammad Ali's head mounted on the wall. (he knows why)."

Find a muse
A muse could be anything that inspires you to make arts. This could be a person you admire, a setting you really enjoy, or a sandwich that you are craving at the moment. This muse is important in your art creation, because they will passively influence you on what you create. Just make sure they influence you in the right way. If your muse starts directing you into painting flowers, find a new muse that has a more developed taste.

Choose your medium
While ideally your muse should determine everything else, seriously, what do they know? You still have to call some of the shots around there. Decide whether you are doing a sculpture, a painting, a pencil-sketch, an audio-visual installation, post-modern art, found art, sandwich art, car art, graffiti, or anything else that comes to your mind. However, keep in mind that the shelf above the fireplace is 6 inches by 3 feet, so don't go too artsy. Also, the wall above the fireplace is kind of weak, so if you have something that needs to hang there, try not to make it too big. If you could, make sure it matches the wooden finish on the wall.

I'm really hungry
Maybe I do not fully understand what you arters do, but could you possibly just make me something to eat instead? Like, I have money for it and everything, and you could go to town on arranging condiments and toppings in fancy ways, I just want food. Well, you can also make something for the mantle, too. That'd be good. Sorry, side-tracked. Right. Art.

Don't finish till you are content
From what I hear, it is important not to rush art. Arts are very natural things that must be coaxed out of you and put onto a canvas. Keep this in mind when everyone is yelling at you to finish something or make something. This covers a lot of things beyond art, like making sandwiches. People do not understand that it takes time in order to create something like that. However, there are exceptions to this rule. For instance, you.

As you notice, I didn't cover how to draw or paint or actually be an artist. This is merely a summary of steps to take when creating a piece of art. Your skills all depend on you, your upbringing, and your genes. Even if you are not the best artist, that gaping, undecorated hole above the fire place needs ornamentation. So still send in some arts that I could appraise. If not, just send in some McDonalds Fun Money.

Which Erectile Dysfunction solution is right for me?

2008-10-06T14:35:00.000-07:00

Picking out medication for your erectile dysfunction is a lot like picking out a fancy sports car during your mid-life crisis: you have to find just the right one that communicates just the right message. After all, a raging erection and a Ferrari both say “Hey, check this shit out.” Coincidentally, ED (medical shorthand for Erectile Dysfunction) usually happens around the time of a mid-life crisis. As if suicide didn’t already look appealing, BT (medical shorthand for Boner Trouble) adds another level of frustration.

So gentlemen, you’ve been wondering which medication is right for you. Hell, the following information will make a handy buying guide for the ladies who are shopping for their man with WW (medical shorthand for Woody Worries).

Levitra
A fine choice for the festive man. Not only does it allow you perform but extended use allows a man to ejaculate confetti. Now I don’t want to make any claims I can’t back up, but I think we can all agree Levitra has potential to make you the life of any New Years party. Imagine yourself hunched over in the living room as your friends and loved ones cheer you as they count down the seconds to the New Year. Need I say more?

Cialis
It gives you a boner, which is pretty much the point. There’s also guy with a sombrero on the box cover and he looks like he’s enjoying himself. Take a page out of his book: smile! People with weird aversions to taking medication that depecits typical Mexican headwear should look elsewhere.

Getting your dick bit by a rattlesnake
Not as dangerous as you’d think. And it’s not like you’d be sticking your dick by a rattlesnake without anti-venom. The size increase is not only substantial, a purple hue is not uncommon. Perfect for the man with DP (medical shorthand for Dick Problems) who also wants to show his woman that he is not to be fucked with. After seeing a rattlesnake strike viciously on the naughty bits of her lover, she’ll think twice about dumping you.

Viagra
Absolutely great for putting in Pez dispensers and handing out to kids on playground.

Rejoyn’s Vacuum Therapy System
It’s a penis vacuum, okay? I don’t why it works, but it does. Although pretty expensive ($159 for the manual model and $189 for the automatic) it’s an alternative that doesn’t involve actual medicine, which makes it great for Christian Scientists. However, it can lead to PFCIVS (medical shorthand for Penis Fucking Caught In a Vacuum Syndrome).

Studious Studenting: Lesser-known MLA rules

2008-10-03T14:23:00.000-07:00

The MLA essay format is a mighty beast that must be slain by college freshmen in order for them to advance to Com-102. However, the ins and outs of such a format are forgotten from research paper to research paper, causing writers to flip through guidebooks and various Google searches for valuable citation information. While any book on the subject will feature the same general information, there are some topics that some citation guides just do not cover. This is why The Survival Guide is your one-stop place for obscure citation needs.

A billboard advertisement: Company name, date scene on billboard, coordinates of billboard.

A video game: Publisher, developer, name of game, year difficulty it was played on, the one part you thought was most aggravating.

An anime: Director, title, year, amount of robots X by tentacles

Things said by a friend who talking to you in secrecy: Person, date of conversation, how juicy the secret was, the actual secret, everyone you told it to.

Furniture: Make, model number, level of comfort, approx. amount of times sex was had on it.

Something you said before but can't remember exactly: Where you were, who you were with, what they thought of it, an explanation of us having to be there in order to get it.

A really good meal you once had: The Chef, restaurant, various digestion symptoms exhibited, a brief summation of its taste, but has to involve the word "Talon"

Advice Jackers: Cosmo’s Sex Advice Column

2008-10-01T15:08:00.000-07:00

Sex columns for women always seemed to me like a kind of paradox: males across the world are trying to discover the mysteries of the vagina, while at the same countless women are trying to understand men and their polar opposite genitals, something I call an ungina.

Despite this yearning to understand the other species better, it seems like no advice ever comes to light that puts men and women in perfect harmony.

That is, until today.

What can I do to make him include me with his friends? I’m never include or asked to join when they all hang out.
This one’s easy. Nothing. You can do nothing. I bet you’re one of those girls that keeps talking through movies. God that’s annoying. My advice? Quit talking through movies. It’s not his fault you didn’t know what was going on in Pulp Fiction.

Guys often approach me at bars, and sometimes we really hit it off, but they never ask for my number. What’s my problem?
Let’s, for the sake of argument, say a guy starts hitting on you. He’s at a bar, so he’s probably drinking (which is good for you, because you’re really empty). But imagine this: as the night goes on, and last call draws closer, what if he starts to slow down his drinking? That would mean his blood alchohol level is dropping. Part of me wants to draw a graph to show the direct correlation between intoxication and finding you interesting to talk to but I’m pressed for time and will leave it at this: you’re what we call “drunk fun.” Your little stories about your cats and your “craaaazy ex-boyfriend” are really only engaging if you’ve had a few. It’s like going to see a Jimmy Buffet concert sober; it’s not worth it. But relax, you’re like Jimmy Buffet!

Why hasn’t he changed his MySpace relationship status? Does that mean we should hold off living together?
If there’s one thing that should stop you from moving in with a guy, it should definitely be his MySpace status. But don’t think that could be the only redflag on his page, either. It’s entirely possible he has never even seen some of what he appears on his favorite movie list. Or, even worse, maybe he has never read a Michael Crichton like his MySpace so claims!

How do I make some last-minute halloween costumes?

2008-09-28T21:49:00.000-07:00

We have another 32 days until Halloween, but that doesn't mean you cannot procrastinate for the next month.. In fact, if you read this the day it was posted, you can sleep easy for the next 31 days knowing that you can just slap something together in a minute. Most preferably, the last minute. All of the costumes listed here have been made out of items in my immediate surroundings found in The Survival Guide office, as to remain in the spirit and spontaneity of short-notice costume-cobbling.

Atlas
What you need: Globe, Toga (maybe?)
You too can hold the entire Earth and have one Halloween costume that seems both creative and not a cheap last resort. All you need is a globe of the Earth and some ancient clothing. I'm not sure if you need a toga, or a loincloth, or legwarmers, but it has to be something timeless. I made this discovery during one of my daily whiskey rages. I grabbed a paper weight Mr. Jones got me from his trip to Arkansas and threw it at the sizable and very expensive globe Mr. Jones found in our electrician's house. The globe broke off of it's axis and I felt really bad for some reason. I start sobbing and trying to lift the globe, but my hands are wet from all the crying I did. Mr. Jones was trying to help this entire time, and to keep spirits up, he said "I've heard of Atlas Shurgged, but Atlas Cried Like a Little Bitch?" That's when I picked up another paper weight.

The Sphinx
What you need: Google seach for brain teasers, a penchant for mischeif
Do you love to fool your friends? Then use all those brainteaser to the max when you go as the sphinx. The sphinx originally was beast-like and with femine features and wings, but for this suggestion we're just gonna let that slide. No one even cares. Why are you dressing up? Some cool costume party? Hey, you'll be the coolest person their for not wearing a costume and actually having dignity. Also, as a sphinx, you get to kill people if they answer wrong. Of course, if they get it right you have to kill yourself, but whatever. While I like to think that two mythological illusions is just a stroke of luck, I will admit that I do to tend to lean towards ledgend and lore when I drink whisky. Also, I get angry

Moustache Man
What you need: Fake moustache, or felt tip pen.
Now anyone can feel the majesty usually associated with 'stache growers worldwide. I will admit right off the bat that this is not as clever as the previous costume, but the moustache man is a much better costume than you think. For you see, I was fact-checking a new entry and sniffing some permanent markers when I remembered I had some model airplane glue in my desk drawer. I got some of the glue in my natural moustache and tried to cover my shame with the fur scarf I had on at the time. Some of the fur got caught on my face so I had to use my letter opener to cut the scarf from my face. I like how the fur looked on my upperlip, so I kept it. And that's how we fact-check.

As a pretty lady, how can I use my douchebag boyfriend to make other men jealous?

2008-09-26T18:49:00.000-07:00

Although there are some serious benefits for being an attractive woman (the admiration of all, the luxury of saying you don’t think you’re pretty even though you totally know it, and free potato skins at Applebee’s to name only three), the truth is you’re wasting your aesthetic beauty if you don’t cause exasperation in the male species when you’re out in public with your boyfriend.

If you are a pretty lady and you don’t feel you’re getting enough blank stares when out on the town with your man, ask yourself the following three questions:

Is my boyfriend not a big enough douchebag?
Take a close look at him. Does he have a polo shirt on? If not, he should. And if he has one, make him put on two more and have him pop all the collars. Next time you’re out at the bars make sure you have him hit you for spilling his drink. It’s up to you but you can even have him high five one of his buddies after he smacks you. Be creative!

Do I exhibit qualities that are not found anywhere else in the female species?
Next time you feel some guy with a goatee checking you out, talk to your boyfriend about your love for Rube Goldberg machines and post-modernism fiction. If he’s a good boyfriend he should not listen the first time you speak, forcing you to repeat yourself louder, but slower. Naturally, he should respond by saying, “Yeah, whatever,” and turning his iPod up louder. His iPod should only have Dave Matthews Band on it.

Am I not giving other guys enough false hope?
Wink to them on trains. Talk about books they like! Spend huge portions of their day on the phone with them chatting away about Charlie Kaufman. Once you feel that spark, that magical connection, the feeling you know is more right than anything in the world, “accidentally” call one of them while you’re blowing your boyfriend.

2 Minute Biography: Niels Bohr

2008-09-24T20:23:00.000-07:00

Niels Bohr grew up like all physicists do. After cracking out of his magma rock, the elders of the fire mountain submerged his hands in lava as a rite of passage. However, his hands came out of the lava still intact and unburned, meaning that he was sent here from a higher power. He said good bye to his family and floated down the fire mountain to the nearest town, a small Danish town, where he would assimilate into their way of life in hopes to eventually set it ablaze with the fury of the forsaken lavapeople.

As the God on Earth of the lavapeople, Bohr would receive superpowers based on the different elements he would pick up. Bronze would double his strength, iron would give him gills, and Bohrium would cause him to explode. He used these powers in order to gain the favor of the townpeople, as he would plow their farmland at alarming speeds for nothing more than a free meal and a place to lay his head. This was all a ruse however, as Neils Bohr could not process human food and never slept.

When it came time to demolish the village, he ingested a large quantity of uranium and poision-blasted the crap out of the small town. He only did this because it was his destiny, even though he has grown close to the community's charms and personalities. He was not the same person after this massacre, and chose to go by the name Proton for now on. The U.S. government got word of this superbeing, and wagered him to help invent powerful weapons for WWII. He agreed to, but only if they could bomb the lavapeople that have set him on this awful path.

Great Graphs! Here is an examination of the Bohr killcumference. Note that the first girl he ever loved was a villager named Electron.

Not having anyone to answer to but the US Government, Bohr, or Proton, became withdrawn and no longer saw fun in things that use to entertain him. Even the simple joys of getting high off of neon now were only there to help him get by in his shallow existance. When work on the Manhattan Project hit a standstill, he took full responsibility for America possibly losing the war. Ridden with pre-emptive shame, he jumped out of a plane and onto Hiroshima with a breifcase filled with Bohrium. His selflessness has become famous, and was paid tribute in the classic film "Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Niels Bohr."

Ziggy: Bullshit or Bulltruth

2008-09-22T14:09:00.000-07:00

On his surface, Ziggy appears to be a pretty crappy one panel comic that just so happens to be in daily print in countless newspapers across America. The truth is Ziggy is not unlike a magic-eye puzzle; inside his painfully nondescript body lies a creation tale that is the very embodiment of anti-establishment.

Ziggy was created to be a symbol that stood for the antithesis of the Levi jean company.
Verdict: Bulltruth

Ziggy creator, Tom Wilson, tragically lost his son during a tour of a Levi jean factory. Evidence suggests that his son wandered from the tour group but this information is debatable because Tom always carried his son around in a backpack. The story Wilson championed in court described a macabre scene where his 14-year old son was plucked from his backpack by a Levi exec and thrown into whatever kind of machine makes jeans. Wilson’s story didn’t hold in court even after showing the jury a pair of jeans that bore an uncanny resemblance to his son. Shortly after, Ziggy was created. He was drawn with no pants as an effort to champion Americans to cast off the jeans manufactured by a murderous corporation. Instead, Ziggy wound up on greeting cards.

Ziggy is bald because the less specific features Ziggy has, the more universal he is.
Verdict: Bullshit

Tom Wilson just couldn’t draw hair. And let’s think about this for a second: Ziggy with hair? That shit would be weird.

Ziggy has been statistically proven to be the most depressing comic strip in existence.
Verdict: Bulltruth

At Penn State University, a study was done where random people were subjected to two images: a slid show of Ziggy comics and a superfast motion video of maggots devouring a dog. They were then told they would receive 10 dollars if they picked between the two images and observed it for 20 minutes. After three test groups of 100 people each, only one person picked to watch the Ziggy slideshow for the time period.

How do I leave a job with class?

2008-09-19T00:01:00.000-07:00

Making your exit from an employer on your own terms is one of the few times that you experience the rush of breaking the shackles of your suppressors and believe that from now on things will be different. While things won't be different, that rush of quitting is the only time that fate will grant you the simple joy of 10-pound testicles. No matter if you are a boy or a girl or have previously experienced elephantitis of the nutsack in a job-leaving-related incident, it is a good feeling that you will never forget.

However, this rush must come naturally, and you cannot just take up jobs in hopes to leave them right away. Instead, you have to take a job, work it for at least five years. Everyday you work, just think about how great that feeling is going to be when you leave everyone behind. Do not tell any of your bosses your plan. They might promote you because you are so smart, and that will alienate you from coworkers.

So we know that leaving the job is fun, but it's how you do it that will turn those 10 pounds to 30 pounds. All of these are arranged to ensure you leave on the best terms possible.

The Domino Effect
Come in the day before and arrange pen boxes/toner cartridge boxes/anything monolithic in a domino pattern. Have fun with where it travels, but make sure it starts at the door and goes all the way to your bosses office. When your boss walks in, he will instinctively push the box and set the chaos into motion. It should take a good 15 minutes until it reaches your bosses office. When he goes into his office, he will notice that the dominos spell out "I'm outta here." He will then be treated to you laying naked on his desk whilst massaging his wife sensually with a picture of his son that he had laying around.

Magic Trick
When you come into work, clock in and go directly to your bosses office. Bring a magician's hat with you. Tell him that you have a magic trick prepared. This will generate squeals of excitement because, hey, magic is cool. Reach into your hat and pull out a live rabbit to establish that your magic is legit and harmless. After he is in his comfort zone, reach into your hat and pull out the urn of one of his parents. Show it around the room and do not waiver under anything he says to you. Then, proceed to eat the contents of the urn, keep it within you for 30 seconds, then throw it up on or around your boss. As he kicks you out, he'll notice the remnants of his parent(s) on the floor mixed with your breakfast, and how they are arranged to spell out "You can't fire me, I quit" in perfect Arial font.

The Gentleman
Dog doo in a fire bag. But the bag is made out of his dog.

Invasion of Privacy: My Mailman

2008-09-17T14:10:00.000-07:00

The Survival Guide (like any other quantitative science) struggles to understand the world around us. And as you might imagine, this line of work that both Leon Firestone and I are a part of has allowed us not to only understand the world around us, but I’d go so far as to say it has made us the two understandiest people around. Even still, we are pioneers. And what I am pioneering today is a way that will better understand the individual. Arguments can be made that this is hardly a new fascination. Some may even argue that the focus on the individual is responsible for modern science.

Those people are wrong, although I believed the politically correct term is “retarded.”

My associate, Leon Firestone, conceptualized the idea only yesterday as we conversed over an episode of Nip/Tuck. We were talking about how boobs are awesome except for the times they’re being cut up by scalpels. In those instances, we agreed, breasts have what we call a “reverse boner” effect.

Anyway, I came to the conclusion that I can probably get away with extreme invasions of privacy if I spin it as research that aspires to answer the daunting question of what exactly unites us all as individuals. Also, I could probably steal a lot of shit.

Long story short, I found out where my mailman lives and broke into his house while he was working. In a moment of ultimate irony, I was not home when he rang the doorbell to sign for a package because I was kicking down his screen door.

What I found:
Upon entering his home, the first thing I noticed was a giant collage of Johnny Depp. Collage is an unjust term to be honest, because it was not limited to two-dimensions. A giant cardboard cutout of Edward Scissors Hands jutted out of the center of the wall occupied by the collage. This cardboard cutout, in turn, was embracing an anatomically correct paper mache model of Depp (ala Sweeney Todd) made entirely out of ticket stubs. The door adjacent to this Depp beacon led to a room that was filled with giant rubber dildos. Each one of these was mounted on a plaque bases and named after a president of the United States. Located on a desk and underneath a ribbed little number named “Andrew Jackson,” I found a draft of my mailman’s autobiography with a working title of I’m Gay And No One Knows It: A Mailman’s Struggle.

What I learned:
My mailman has a deep appreciation for character actors and an affinity for both writing and making paper mache. Also, he had a 19-inch HD television in his bedroom, which conveniently fit in the front passenger seat in my car.

I wouldn’t go so far as to make sweeping generalizations, but I think we can all agree this was a big step for understanding mailmen across the globe.

Etiquette Excellence: Driving

2008-09-15T11:08:00.000-07:00

This article was written for mass publication and was crafted in such a way that any newspaper can run the guide before any major holiday to remind the readership about safety.

With the upcoming holiday weekend, there will no doubt be thousands of motorists flooding our streets and highways in order to be home for such a joyous occasion. In fact, it's hard to talk about this particular without remembering this day and all of the celebrations it brings to us. The streets aglow with fireworks, kids running with valentines, and inside houses across the country, families share a turkey dinner while passing out fake dog doo. But before you honor our fallen soldier by dressing up as a whore-nurse, please keep the roads safe with some basic driving tips.

Traffic lights
The meaning of traffic lights have been embedded in our culture. From an early age, it is known that red means passion and aggressiveness and green means success and money. However, some states have adopted traffic lights with up to 17 different light colors in order to better help traffic flow. Blue means calmness and devotion, orange means vitality and alertness, and brown means the right turn lane is closed.

Lane merging
Whether on an expressway or sidestreet, lane merging always proves to be a balls-to-the-wall experience. In order to get into the correct lane, it is expected of you to turn on your turn signal and negotiate speed with the people in the desired lane. As someone in the desired lane, your job is to keep at perfect pace with the car in the lane over, even in the event of a full stop. While this might be a double-standard of understanding and assholery, you are really overlooking the worn down emotional state people drive with during this holiday weekend. They could be the nicest people ever off of the road, but you do not want to get between them and a night of BBQs and haunted houses.

Flashing your brights
Brights should only be flashed when you want to blind all traffic in front of you in a hope that they all fly off the road and burst into flames. If you think you are helping them with a small warning that their tail light is out, or that they forgot to turn their headlights on, or that there is a killer in the back seat, you are wrong.

4 way stops
Chances are if you just drive through them really fast, no one will hit you. I mean, they are going slow from all that stopping they had to do, and if they cannot react to you barreling down the road, then I guess they shouldn't be driving. Besides, for this holiday weekend, we all know that witnessing a man blow a 4-way stop means good luck, and that is the way its always been since the Dutch brought the day over to honor the Druid new year.

And as always, watch out for Trick and Treaters.

2-Minute Biography: The Dream Team

2008-09-12T10:31:00.000-07:00

Did you know... these men have done more than you would ever do in a thousand lifetimes?

In the 1992 Olympic games, the USA fielded one of the most formidable basketball teams in history, referred to as The Dream Team. Consisting of the best players in the NBA, The Dream Team steamrolled every other team it came up against with an average margin of victory of 43.8 points. The team had an amazing amount of raw talent, but it also helped that many other countries had only found out about basketball a week prior.

But the question remains: were the members of The Dream Team good sports? The short answer: yes. After the Olympics, they set out to repair the damages their brutal ass- kickings caused.

Their first stop was Croatia, where their massive triumph over the Croatian team caused a complete dissolvement of the government and hundreds of ritual suicides. Upon getting off their jet, The Dream Team soon realized the damage they had caused might be too much for just one basketball team to fix. Charles Barkley, guilt-ridden with the deaths his amazing dunks had caused, vowed to stay behind and rebuild Croatia from the ground up. To this day, he rules the beautiful country with an iron fist.

The team next traveled to Angola to see what damage they had caused. It is not known what the specific damages to the South American country were because the one journalist who traveled with the team to document their philanthropy vomited himself to death after seeing what remained of the country from their plane.

Just as we don’t know what was wrong with Angola, we don’t know what The Dream Team did to rebuild the nation. All we know is that Angolans now speak a special dialect of Portuguese that sounds a lot like Michael Jordan.

The philanthropy tour ended with a return to the United States where the entire team (save for Barkley, who was the new Duke of Croatia) publicly apologized for any negative image they may have given the USA.

In a touching scene of self-sacrifice, they all burned their basketball shoes in the center of Time Square and never set foot on the court again.

Public Outcry: Excerpts of my new book

2008-09-10T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Google Search Query that lead someone to this site: "murder in reno, nv - horse tranquilizer novel"

Our interpretation: Tell us about your new book?

Well, I'm glad that you showed interest in my life outside of the survival guide. For all of my life, I have only written about personal experiences and relating them to you so you never have to go through my suffering. My first foray into fiction is a mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time which follows a cop who can travel through time using a magic hat he found in a time capsule from 1790 as he tries to foil an assassination plot of his great great grandfather by a rival cop who also found a time traveling hat. Here is a little taste of it.

The desert air was dry. Very dry. Reno was not kind to plants this time of year, or ever really. It's a desert, you know. I took a long drag off of my cigarette and blew smoke at my best friend Jim Benjamin. He was currently making a sand castle, and I held contempt for everything he brought into the world. Seeing the castle get built reminded me of the the time-space continuum and that time traveling hat I found. How time is made up of nothing but sand, and somehow that makes a castle, but change one grain of sand with something else, like a car, and your castle looks completely different. The bell rang, and I took one last drag: recess was over.

Oh, forgot to mention, the cop is in the 1st grade. I feel that we don't see many young cops today, and it's really a shame because kids have a fantastic moral code. Because of this, his rival is 43 and jaded. I can tell you are hungry for more, so here is a scene where good cop Guy Copperton travels back in time.

Everything starts spinning. The brick walls become a solid red swirl as I feel like I'm falling through the ground. You see history and life run past you and you have that crystallizing moment where you remember that time is a river. Then again, this could have been helped by the horse tranquilizers.

Another thing I forgot, but something you could have taken from the query search that brought up my new mystery/cop/historical thriller called In the Thick of Time, is that cop Guy Copperton is addicted to horse tranqs. In the business, we call that character development.

Benjamin Franklin lifted up his snifter of brandy and exclaimed "To the future and all of the hats that will go with it." We both drank to it, but I spit mine back out because I knew about the poison planted by my cop rival, Schemer Rivalcop. With Franklin dead, the time traveling hats would not be invented, leaving me stranded in the freshly-born States. I found some schematics for the hat, and knew what I had to do. I took my last horse tranqulizer and got to work. Also, Ben Franklin was my dad. This is what Future Franklin Douglas warned me about. This was THE THICK OF TIME!

Did I just blow your mind? Then buy my book, available when I hear back from Scholastic any day now. Until then, just periodically check your local library's mystery/cop/historical thriller section for more!

What are some of the features GeoEye-1, Google’s new satellite?

2008-09-08T10:39:00.000-07:00

For those not aware, on September 6th Google launched a rocket carrying the GeoEye-1 satellite into space. The GeoEye-1 is the most advanced commercial satellite to date, but what makes it really so advanced?

In a non-televised meeting with the press, I asked some questions to a panel of experts representing Google about what exactly this thing can do.

Okay, say I have this friend. Let’s call her Becky. Mind you we’re using “friend” in the loose sense of a word. I have reason to believe she might be quite the slut. Does the GeoEye-1 have any features that specifically track individuals and their slutty behavior?

Yes and no. The satellite is capable of taking high-res pictures of something as small as home plate on a baseball diamond, so it’s certainly possible that we could see an individual partake in slut-based behavior, provided that she is doing it outside in the daylight or we have toggled the “see through walls” feature on the satellite. Granted, this is a waste of resources and we would never abuse the satellite to track just one person…

Alright, but say someone like myself, an average Joe, would do the slut-tracking for you, y’know? Like is there anyway I can access these photographs for my own personal… research?

Most definitely not! That would be an invasion of privacy in the most extreme sense. Consequently, all babies born after 2010 will have a chip planted into their brain that transmits information to the GeoEye-1 that allows us to access information such as name, address, social security number, family history, income level, dating history, penis size, favorite movie, and preferred masturbation fantasy.

That is absolutely outrageous! Do you think the public will stand for this?! We should be entitled to use this technology prove once and for all that Becky truly is the man destroying succubus she appears to be! Okay, how about this: what if I paid you a monthly subscription free to access the Becky photos?

Again, that would be an invasion of personal privacy. We are obliged by a contract with the government not to accept payments from the general public in exchange for access to the satellite’s photos. However, the contract says nothing about exchanging access to the photos and letting us put this chip into your brain.

Really? So if you put that chip, which you so conveniently have about your person, into my brain, you guys will let me track Becky to my heart’s content?

Yeah. Sure. Whatever.

D.I.Y Time: Becoming a God

2008-09-05T17:37:00.000-07:00

The cup and ball has delighted millions of all ages with it's complexity. It is one of the few toys that people have grown up with that remains challenging, no matter the age. Even with it's challenge, it is a standby for good times that millions of American's play daily during dead time at work, boring classes, or even in the kitchen when waiting for a roast. Yes, the cup and ball is far and away one of the greatest qualities of life and can accurately be portrayed as a gift from God and proves His existence.

But if you can make your own... does that make YOU the new God?

Step 1: Find a cup
Like our Great Creator/you, you are not limited in your pursuit of finding a satisfactory cup for your game of ball and cup. The preconception is that the ball and cup has to be hand held. Not so. With any size of bucket, people will adapt and learn how to follow your lead as a ball and cup player/Lord. It is also an option to not even follow these directions and use some alternative concave object, like a hat. Some people might say that it doesn't work and that the cup was the best option, but you can just call them heretics and have them burned at the stake in your name.

Step 2: Find a ball
The ball you choose should probably be smaller than the cup you have. Probably. It doesn't matter though, you're gonna be a God now. You can set a new standard for ball and cup and say "thou doth only cup the ball with a ball bigger than thy cup" and BAM! Your shoddy workmanship is covered by calling blasphemy on naysayers.

Step 3: Find a String
The string is the unsung hero in ball and cup, because it is the only part of this game that does not get name dropped in its name. It's a shame, because the string is no doubt the single most important part of the game, besides the cup and ball. The string is what holds the two items together, no matter how ridiculous they are sized. There might be some confusion here, because instead of calling it the string, they call it BS and blind faith.

Step 4: You're a God!
Fuck yea!

Episode Guide: Season 1 of the Bernie Mac Show

2008-09-03T10:32:00.000-07:00

Almost a month has passed since beloved entertainer Bernie Mac has passed on and my B-Mac-O-Meter (a scientific device that quantitatively measures the popularity of Bernie Mac) reads higher than ever. Before you question the validity of such a device, I have one thing to say to you: fuck off. Calibrating devices to measure fame of black celebrities has always been a passion of mine since childhood. Sadly, out of the many I’ve made (16, if I remember correctly) only the Bernie Mac one has worked. Furthermore, I have been instructed by my lawyer not to field any questions on the coincidence that the completion of my B-Mac-Meter and the death of Bernie Mac occurred on the same day.

Episode 1 (Pilot)
Bernie Mac has his sister’s children move in with him and his wife. Because they are not a direct fruit of his loins, he forces the children to live in a cupboard underneath the stairs. Mac finds out the hard way that the children are not only capable of using magic, but are also destined to hone their abilities at a school for witches and wizards. The kids are taken to their new school by means of a flying car. Shortly after, Snape kills Dumbledore.
Note: Everything that took place in the pilot is never referenced again in the series. Bernie Mac called do-over on series claiming, “it didn’t have enough magic.” Oddly enough, magic never appeared again in the show.

Episode 6
The kids want a dog and Bernie Mac, a man who always wanted a dog himself, agrees. The family buys a dog. Somehow this takes up 30 minutes.

Episode 9
Bernie’s sister returns from Chicago to take her kids back. Everything seems like it’s working out, but something doesn’t sit well with Bernie. By violently working his way up a crime family located near his house, Bernie finds out that the woman Bernie thought was his sister is an impostor who plans to sell the children into sexual slavery. This is also the Christmas special.

Episode 16
In an effort to spite viewers, episode 16 is actually just the Die Hard 2 trailer looped while the audio of Bernie Mac’s stand up routine plays in the back. This particular episode is what nominated the show for its two Emmy Awards.

Episode 22 (Season Finale)
I’m going to be honest, I really only watch Fox for Seinfeld and The Simpsons. I missed this one.

D.I.Y Time: Pet Sematary

2008-09-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

The pet sematary is an old stand-by for anyone who didn't have a chance to say goodbye, or who just wanted to see their loved ones resurrected as an embodiment of evil. The sematary (not to be confused with the acceptable and common spelling "cemetary") is great in a party atmosphere, where people can bring their dead pets and relatives to get crunk with them once more. The benefits of having a pet sematary are no doubt bountiful, so why don't you have one? Sure, the kits you can by from Home Depot are costly, but that doesn't mean you can't play God! Here is a quick guide on how to build your own field of broken dreams.

1. Find an ancient Indian burial ground
Indians, or most specifically in this case their remains, posses mystic powers that will cause all sorts of kooky things to happen on the surface. If you are trying to find an organically made Indian burial ground, try around the Midwest. If you do not care about geography and just need an Indian burial ground now, you have two options: 1.) genocide and mass grave and 2.) go back in time, spot prime Indian burial real-estate, become mayor of the town that the real-estate is in, make a sanction that prohibits people building their unless they have the birthmark that you have, and then move in when you go back to the future. Personally, number 1 is easier.

2. Arrange the runes
You actually do not need legit runes, but rather just stones you can pick up at the Home Depot (they have everything.) For maximum resurrections/corruption rate, arrange the stones after the cave sign the Indians had for bulls, which granted them sustenance for decades. An aerial view of your developing pet sematary should look like this.

Make sure you bury your loved one on the bull's shaft-like torso.

3. Foreshadowing
In order for your pet sematary to work properly, you must be told about it by a local mystic or Indian and must do little in heeding his warning. It doesn't matter if you like him or not, because he'll die right before the climax.

4. Hire the Ramones to sing a song about it
The Ramones have made it clear that they don't want to be buried in a pet sematary (on account of not wanting to live their life again.) In the christening of your burial ground, please employ the remaining Ramones members to play your sematary. Not only is this good luck, but the song is kinda good, too.

Etiquette Excellence: Quilting Bee

2008-08-29T11:50:00.000-07:00

For the unaware, a quilting bee is a gathering of women for the purposes of sewing a giant quilt. Due to the collaborative nature of the bee, every woman brings her own materials and sews patches that represent something significant in their lives. These patches do not necessarily have to be about quilting, but more often than not woman at these bees choose to sew patches to let everyone know how awesome quilts and/or sewing is. Regardless of the personal touches, the finished quilt is a shining testament to group effort and synced menstrual cycles.

In essence, it’s like a potluck dinner but way more depressing.

But where did the quilting bee come from, and perhaps more importantly, how did it influence which is appropriate at a bee today?

Like everything cool, it originated in the Wild West. As was common at the time, cowboys would ride from town to town herding women into small cages. Because these cowboys were not sick fucks, they would periodically grant all the women temporary freedom from their cages. The women’s behavior that took place in these rare hours freed their steel prisons closely resembles the modern day quilting bee. Granted, they really didn’t make quilts as much as they just cried a whole lot, but still, the resemblance is uncanny.

If you find yourself at a quilting bee, remember the following tips:

Don’t talk smack about quilting, quilts, or quilt-related topics.
You know how in Europe there’s like gangs of soccer hooligans that beat the life out of each other for bad mouthing soccer teams? Yeah. That, but worse.

Bring your own materials to the bee.
All quilting bees operate under a strict BYOQS (Bring Your Own Quilting Shit) policy. Although failure to adhere to it will not result in anything catastrophic, you can rest assured that the ladies will have some mean things to say about you behind your back when you get up to go to the bathroom.

Dress appropriately.
You will be on the ground for most of the duration of the bee, so dress comfortably. Wearing uncomfortable clothing can cause fatigue and if you fall asleep at a quilting bee, you are fair game to have dicks drawn all over your face.

How do I write an accessible Top 10 list?

2008-08-27T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Top 10 list is one of the most important staples in internet entertainment today, or "intertainment," or "netment," or "tent." Ever since the number 10 was invented by David Letterman during the turn of the century, people have been using this fine two-digit number to quantify things that were more than nine, but not "11" big. We have come to identify 10 as a strong, round number and have honored it in our society by naming 10 things linked together by an arbitrary but hopefully entertaining theme.

Did you know... that before 10, rulers were fucked?

Alright, so now that you are well-versed in the history, now it's time to actually learn how to make a compelling top 10 list, which will be taught by using a top 10 list (Meta!).

Write in nuggets
Much like a staple in a formerly-sizable stomach, writing in short does a great job at hiding embarrassing flaws in writing and journalism. This way, your lingual holocaust seems more like a series of unrelated church burnings.

Include Pictures
Pictures are a perfect way of appealing to the readers who are insecure in their abilities to read an entire online article of just plain text. Even if they do not apply to your article, tie pictures in by writing an unique simile right before you plug in your picture. People will think you're funnier than a monkey with a knife!

Do you realize...just how wacky this is!?

Don't use numbers unless...
A rookie mistake when making lists for "tent" is that the writer will sometimes write a number to correspond with that specific item. While this might make sense, it must only be used when what you are dealing with is a countdown to the hottest/coolest/awesomest/totally-awesomest celebrity/gadgets/games/flesh-lights. However, if you are just starting to write lists...

Never do countdowns
No matter what you say, you will offend people with your number one. Moreover, you'll not only offend people if number one is a curveball, but it's the equivalent of smashing their 5th grade science fair diarama in front of them just seconds before Mrs. Channing was gonna grade it. Bad writing can be kind of a prick. Do it if you have balls, but stay away from it if you spent all night making that valcanoe and it looks really cool.

Example: Your top 3 of the best alternative-rock albums of all time goes

3. Nirvana - Nevermind
2. The Presidents of the United States of America - self-titled
1. Rush - Moving Pictures

As a reader, you can tell something is wrong. You cannot help but ball up your pudgy fist in anger as yet another dumbass blogger has failed at "Tent" by not including No Jacket Required by Phil Collins. Since NJR is considered in many social circles as the birth of 90s alt, one has to wonder if the author forgot about it or just lives in an alternate timeline where Phil Collins wasn't one of the best Goddamn presidents that this country has ever seen.

Know your audience
Everyone uses the internet, but true "tent" fans like movies, video games, and boobs. Use this to make such dynamite lists such as "Naked actresses who should dress up as video game girls" and "famous boobs from movies where a kid plays an arcade cabinet in the background."

Were you even fucking aware... that Titanic is the highest grossing advertisement for 80's arcade games?

Don't overstay your welcome
If you want to end your list, just end it. Don't even look back to change numbers, as you can tell commenters that they miscounted entries. Then again, you shouldn't have to answer to them. They, in essence, are your bitches.

Make money
Did I say bitches? I meant they are great, fun-loving people of excellent taste who should click on our AdSense.

Spreading the word
Since the aforementioned bitches are your main source of income, you will no doubt get more revenue and "hits" if they tell their friends and family about your fantastic list about game boobs. Since friend is a loose term in the digital age, make sure to encourage that your friends whore out your list to Digg, Reddit, Fark, Delicious, Technorati, Bang Bros, and StumbleUpon. Get all of your friends to vote for your list, because if they didn't, all those other people wouldn't have thought to digg it. You are such a trailblazer!

Even though that didn't have much to do with actually writing the list, do you have any idea how hard it is to write 10 ideas about one topic? Fuck Letterman. I'm going back to rounding up to 11 for my AdultFriendFinder "measurements" anyway. I hope he suffers more than nine heart attacks.

So how the hell did Michael Phelps get so good at swimming?

2008-08-25T10:18:00.000-07:00

So here’s the deal: I wasn’t paying attention the minute swimming became cool. I was under the impression it was just something people did, not unlike walking or beatboxing. Evidently, swimming is cool when it makes you the record holder for the most gold medals held by any Olympian. In retrospect, this makes sense. It doesn’t matter how stupid something is, if you’re the best at it, that something is a more credible activity. Example: on one particular block of late-night programming there was an interview with a woman who could propel ping pong balls from her vagina more than any other woman. At first I was skeptical, but I was soon won over because that Goddamn lady had skill.

Believe it or not, in my younger years I was in somewhat regular contact with the Phelps family. Michael Phelps first showed prowess as a swimmer on his third birthday. Little Phelps wanted a puppy more than anything in the world and on his birthday party his evil uncle (who we will call Senor Phelps) awakened the great swimming beast. Senor Phelps brought a puppy to the party for the purposes of drowning it in the family pool and breaking little Phelps’s heart. However, when the puppy was tossed into the pool, Phelps jumped into the pool and rescued the puppy with lightening speed despite never having actually swam before. Coincidentally, three-year old Phelps holds the record for the fastest time rescuing a puppy thrown into a family pool by a jackass of an uncle.

Phelps did not start swimming competitively in high school until his senior year. He tried many activities, including fencing, football, and debate but his success was limited in all of them because he refused to wear a shirt. After one soul crushing day that cost his school the victory in a Lincoln-Douglas debate because the judges had to look at his nipples, he was approached by the school’s swimming coach. After hearing Phelps’s plight, the coach informed him that swimming is an activity where actually wearing a shirt is weird. From that point on, Phelps made up his mind: he would be a swimmer.

As for his Olympic training regiment, I do not know. I do know one thing however: it involves lots of swimming. He is a clean athlete, though. With such unbridled success, rumors began to spread that Phelps was using performance-enhancing drugs. He was tested extensively and proved to the world that his talent is all natural.

He also has a dorsal fin. I am not a marine biologist, but I can assume this helps him swim faster.

Public Outcry: Importance of excellence in everyday life

2008-08-22T12:24:00.000-07:00

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The query (from Batangas, Philippines): importance of excellence in everyday life

Our interpretation: What is the importance of excellence in everyday life?

For sake of clarity, the definition that comes to mind when I think of excellence in everyday life is "succeeding in outdoing yourself on a day to day basis, causing onlookers and family to vomit furiously at your talent." Excellence in everyday life is something everyone ought to stride for, and should be one of your many goals in life along with starting a family band and eating a comically gigantic hoagie. Getting to the point of constantly being better than you were five seconds ago takes work, but it will possibly take you about 2-3 minutes to read this life changing entry. However, 2-3 minutes is also the time it takes to make a decent sandwich on toasted bread. I'm not good with cost-benefit analysis, but if you take the 2-3 minutes now, apply it and learn how to outdo yourself every 5 seconds, your first sandwich as an excellent person will taste ever so sweet (granted you wanted your sandwich to be sweet. If you use rye, do not expect sweet sandwich.)

Sandwich diatribes aside, excellence can be best seen in interviews with Robin Williams. Watching him on Oprah is an exercise in what excellence should be: fast, hairy, and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He's perfected his interviewing tactics of being loud and everywhere, and every interview makes him more and more practiced in being hairy and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He relishes that time and never slows down. Even if other people want to talk or Oprah wants to do some more human interest stories, they simply can't. He just goes faster and louder as the episode goes on, until the point the credits role, at which point he goes back into his blood dungeon and devours another virgin sacrifice. Excellence comes at a price.

Not that that price is always virgins and blood dungeons. Far from it. The price varies from person to person, and is best seen as an obscene muse. This perversion or illegality of your actions directly contributes to your excellence. It's the blow to Robert Downey Jr, it's the underage girls to Roman Polanski, it's the burning of animals alive to Frankie Muniz. Moreover, it's Hollywood. They need these awful things in order to better themselves at what they do, and you cannot deny that they do a pretty damn good job. So your key to excellence is to do that one awful thing that no one must know about until you are awesome and can get out of jail time for it. At that point, you are the American Dream.

I don't think I need to state why it's important to have this excellence, but I shall press on so you don't misinterpret this and go to SuperK to buy your own blood dungeon for nothing. If you just want to live your life and have nothing interesting happen to you ever and never get laid again, don't strive for excellence. However, if you want cool things to happen to you and you want to do a suitcase of blow, then by all means follow your dreams. It's not important to exude excellence from every orifice if you aspire to be a claims adjuster or buttfor, but I'll leave you with this: When you are past your mid-life crisis and pushing 70, you will already be aware of all the things you didn't accomplish in your life. Your haired is greyed, your face and wrinkled and failure-filled, and you have to use a cane to walk around after you hit your knee on the radiator. you're sitting in your recliner, trying to watch TV but your dumbass grandchildren are running all over the place and then, for the 7th time that day, and the 87th time that week, you think to yourself "If only I would have explored my love of chicks with dicks..."

Excellence - Maximize your curiosity!

Philanthropy Days: Job Shadowing

2008-08-20T07:45:00.000-07:00

About a year ago, we made the offices of the Guide available to high school students for job shadowing. We saw this as an opportunity to improve our image in the eyes of the community where our humble office resides. Unfortunately, not a single person has taken us up on our offer until yesterday morning when a 15 year-old showed up at our door and asked if he could “do the gay ass job shadowing for faggots.”

The young man’s name was Tim and we made him keep a journal so we would have written evidence that we have changed someone’s life.

This is that journal:

9:30: There is a ton of shit on the walls. This place looks like a fucking Bennigan’s.. Mr. Jones gave me a tour of the place. Overall, pretty lame.

9:35: They made me recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag while the two of them just watched. After I finished, Mr. Jones said “Oh, so that’s the Pledge of Allegiance.”

10:25: We have not done anything since I got here. Leon (who the fuck is named Leon?) tried shooting paper balls into the garbage but gave up after missing two shots and went back to doing nothing.

11:00: At 11 o’clock they got all excitable. I thought that meant a cool part of their job was coming up. Turns out, at 11 o’clock everyday they play this stupid game where they spin a globe and point to random countries to figure out the nationality of their future wives. This would have been pretty gay to watch, but man, lots of racist things were said. Bottom line: gay and racist.

11:49: They have a bunch of pet snakes! They’re huge! Maybe this place is cooler than I thought. They said I could feed them 12:15.

12:15: They just fed a litter of puppies to the snakes. You’re supposed to use mice! Mice! I feel sick. I want to go home. I told them I didn’t want to feed them anymore… but they didn’t listen! I didn’t want to know what golden retriever puppies sound like when they die. I want to go home.

1:12: Leon got really angry about something in the next room and started throwing stuff. Mr. Jones put me in kind of panic room under his desk. He told me he’ll come get me when it’s safe.

1:30: It’s dark in here. I’m using my cell phone so I can see what I’m writing.

1:45: I can hear yelling. I can’t tell what they’re saying but I know it’s yelling. I am so scared right now.

2:01: My battery is almost out, I’m going to turn it off to save it.

9:30: If I ever get out of here, I swear to God I’ll try real hard in school. Please, someone help me.

Price is Right Field Guide: The Bidding

2008-08-18T23:36:00.000-07:00

Here is the the second in our Price is Right field guide, designed to turn even the most common of the public into a non-stoppable new car and kitchen appliance winning machine. In the first part of the guide, we walked you through on how to be chosen to be a contestant. It is assumed that you have followed that entry with perfection and are now in the bidding stages in of the show. This is one of the few times in the show where you must directly compete against other contestants who crave the touch and attention of Drew Carey, and would not bat an eye at straight-up murdering you over choice bids. Here is how to get a step up on them and murder them first... with bids! (and murder)

The Dollar
This one is an old standby, but for reasons largely retarded. The logic is that if everyone else bid too high, you can just bid $1 and profit off of anyone's stupidity. However, this rarely proves effective, and those who do benefit from bidding a dollar are cursed with bad luck, as documented in Bob Barker's tell all book, The Woman Within.

"A lot of the people who bid a dollar and win are college kids who have no idea what money is. They get on, then completely muck up the pricing games, sometimes get lucky on the wheel because little thinking is involved, and then fuck up the showcase. Out of all the contestants, they are the most likely to die in a grisly murder-suicide. I'm not sure if the dollar bid is an indicator of chancing fate, but there is a definite correlation between the dollar bid and being drown in a car."

However, if someone else bids a dollar, bid two dollars. You're saving them from certain, watery doom.

Blackmail
It's rather simple: just have something you can hold over the head of your other contestants. This could be embarrassing pictures of a college kid or a forbidden family secret of an old woman. However, since contestant selection is "seemingly" random, you either need to have dirt on everyone there who can possibly be a contestant, or just use very vague phrasing. I opt for the latter, because if you want to be on Price is Right more than anything in the world, you would go that extra mile and spend 3 years doing detective work on people who may or may not be on the show. We are talking about the apex of game shows. Don't be a slacker.

Straight out murder
Sometimes, people pick the number perfectly and get bonus money. This is good for them, but what if you already knew the total because you did your price research? Since the Price is Right is filmed on an Indian reservation, a lot of the rules and laws we have come to to expect no longer apply. This means killing is not only implied, but seen as a moral way to go about solving the problems other bidders cause. In fact, you get bonus money for the more contestants you kill. Add that to the bonus money you'll get from bidding the exact price, and you pretty much paid for the grenades you bought for the occasion.

Now, onto the pricing games...

Field Research: High School Band Trip

2008-08-16T08:55:00.000-07:00

Before we begin, Leon and I would like to apologize. We realize we made a promise to provide life changing guides every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and you may have noticed we let a Friday come and go with no new content. There is a reason for this: we were doing research in the field.

It came to our attention towards the beginning of last week that a local high school band was planning a summer trip to Indianapolis. Realizing this meant crucial life experience, we donned fake mustaches (on top of our already impressive mustaches) and got onto the bus under the guise of band dads. As you can imagine, our access to the internet was limited, so this In-depth report had come late. The hotel had wi-fi and the kid that had a laptop would not let us use it after I changed his desktop background to pictures of huge dicks. This is where we learned our first thing about kids on high school band trips: they are unreasonable.

Regardless, we made the following discoveries while working in our guises.

High school kids do not like it when you pretend to be their dad for the sake of maintaining a disguise and Leon is also more sensitive that I thought. Another chaperon asked Leon which kid on the bus was his and he, in a moment of panic, pointed randomly to a scrappy-looking motherfucker of a teen. The boy responded yelling “You’re not my dad!” This left Leon is a very emotional state because he has always considered himself as father material. Later that day I paid two kids to beat up that boy on account of being a total faggot.

Teenagers do not like to see magic tricks especially when said magic tricks gives one of them mercury poisoning. I’ll chalk it up to the generation gap, but none of these kids have heard about the broken thermometer trick. It’s this trick where you present the illusion of breaking a thermometer open and drinking the mercury. Thing is, I haven’t done it in a while so I fudged some of the finer details. For example, instead of breaking the thermometer and having me pretend to drink it, and I had made someone else drink it. And instead of it being the illusion of drinking mercury, they just drank mercury.

Band moms do not want to act out the movie Show Girls in my hotel room. I tried. That’s just one for the no column.

People drive on the right side of the rode in Indiana. I had heard that this was the way things are, but I was unsure. I later found out that a good way to give away the fact you are not authorized to drive a bus full of people is to constantly ask “Which side of the road should I be on?”

Community Service: Body Hygiene

2008-08-13T12:18:00.000-07:00

Due to the checkered pass of both myself and Mr. Jones, we are mandated by the state to partake in community service in order to enrich the loves of those around us, and to eventually live down the numerous plaid collar crimes and counterfeiting rings we established. Our contribution today is a simple guide on personal hygiene that you can show your kids instead of having to teach them and spend time with them yourself.

Your body and you!
Stand in front of the mirror and look at your body. Really look at it. Try making a mental checklist of your flaws. This has nothing to do with hygiene, but it does keep you in check.

Using Soap
Wash your body in a circular motion. Yes, just like that. Make sure to get all the trouble spots that are frequently looked over. Wash behind the ears, your bellybutton, under your feet, and the Galindas flap. Of course, you've heard all of this before. Continue washing in a circular motion, and wash your legs. Now look at me when you do it.

Body odor
As part of getting older, you will naturally excrete pleasant smells. However, one in a million develop a natural stink. While popular logic is to wash yourself and use deodorants and antidepressants as cover, a new trend I just made up is to wear your stank as a badge of honor. The stink must obviously still be an important trait of our species, as a higher power designed us very intelligently to smell. I say you try going natural for just one week, and I guarantee you that it will be the best week of your life.

Hair
As part of growing up, hair will continue to grow where it has been growing your entire life. You might have some peach fuzz on the Galindas flap, but it just becomes more pronounced and is more prone to being caught on chairs with arm rests. Regardless, you are gonna want to invest in shampoos and conditioners. When washing your hair, make sure to really dig into your scalp. The deeper the shampoo goes, the more beautiful your hair is bound to look. Since a decent shampoo lasts upwards to three hours, I recommend that you wash your hair once a month.

To what extent does Disney World’s Showcase accurately depict other countries from the around the globe?

2008-08-11T10:32:00.000-07:00

Located in Epcot Park, home of Spaceship Earth, the World Showcase was Disney’s attempt to bring cultural flair to a theme park staffed mostly by Mexicans. To his credit, he did a pretty good job. Each of 11 pavilions represents a different country but there are some subtle differences between the pavilions and their real world counter parts that only the worldliest of travelers would pick up on.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, that would make a pretty sweet bong.

They are as follows:

Mexico
Similarities: Both contain Aztec pyramids with human sacrifices happening every hour on the hour.

How They’re Different: The pavilion has a GDP three times larger than the actual country of Mexico.

China
Similarities: The pavilion and the country both allow a peek into the magnificent culture of the Chinese, of which the modern world owes so much. Also, everything is covered in lead.

How They’re Different: Epcot China has no reported cases of female infanticide with the exception of one tragic mistake during a performance by the Dragon Legend Acrobats.

Morocco
Similarities: I’m going to be honest, I didn’t bother going to the Morocco pavilion. Disney World is fucking hot and I’m not made of $40 dollar bottled water.

How They’re Different: The real Morocco might be bigger. Don’t quote me on that, though. It’s at least the same size. Let’s just say, for prosperity’s sake, that the real Morocco isn’t smaller than the pavilion. That sounds about right.

The American Adventure
Similarities: The American Adventure is an honest look at America’s amazing history. This attraction and America’s actual history both tend to leave out the parts where we brutally abused Native Americans for fun and profit.

How They’re Different: Unlike America's History, the pavilion is entirely wheelchair accessible.

Public Outcry (Advice): I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol

2008-08-08T00:00:00.000-07:00

Info Nugget: Five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a car while hitchhiking

2008-08-06T07:09:00.000-07:00

Much like living in formerly dangerous neighborhoods, hitchhiking is slowly becoming a very bourgeois method of transportation. This, coupled with the price of gas makes exploiting people’s kindness seems like a no-brainer. You never know, someone could offer to give you a lift in a Lamborghini. Personally, getting a ride in a Lamborghini would be a bit emotional for me because here at The Guide’s HQ, I have placed a poster of a Lamborghini over a large hole in the wall Leon made when he tried to attack me because I didn’t put staples in the stapler. Every time I see a Lamborghini I can’t help but think of blood and tears. But for everyone else, riding in a Lamborighini? Pretty sweet.

As economical as it is, hitchhiking is not without its dangers. Here are five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a stranger’s vehicle.

Does this vehicle have an American flag on it?
A car that has the stars and stripes on it usually is usually a clear indication of a safe journey. The exception to this rule would be if a car is driven by a crazed murderer that thinks he’s Bestsy Ross and sews his victims’ skin into American flags. These things happen.

Did this person say I have a pretty mouth?
If not, he probably won’t ask you to do creepy stuff in exchange for a ride. But, on the other hand, love knows no boundaries and far be it beyond you to refuse to answer the door when it comes knocking.

Is this person a woman?
Women cannot drive. Taking a ride from one would greatly jeopardize your safety.

Does this person have a visible weapon?
A lot of people freak out when to guy that has a circular saw for a hand offers to give you a ride. On paper, your odds of dying at the hands of a man with a circular saw hand almost triple when you enter a vehicle driven by such a man, but that’s only on paper. What if you and your new hardware-handed companion find yourself in a Road Warrior-Esq situation? You must choose between logic and the plausibility of a Mel Gibson movie. These are the choices of adulthood.

Is this person driving a bus and asking me to pay a fare?
If he is, that’s not hitchhiking. That’s called “riding the bus.” Have some class, you’re a hitchhiker. Not some disease-ridden bag lady.

Price is Right Field Guide: Getting there

2008-08-03T23:22:00.000-07:00

Welcome to the first of many installments on the subject of the etiquette and strategy involved in being a contestant on The Price Is Right. If you are reading this, or were ever hungover and spent a day off of work watching daytime television, you are undoubtedly interested in getting on this show. While tickets to a taping are free, you are not guaranteed to come on down. I find this most troublesome, as there is no reason to go to a Price is Right taping post-Barker unless you're screaming out numbers. The following are some ways you can assure yourself into becoming the next contestant on the Price is Right.

Be T.V. friendly
Since we are talking about a visual medium, you need to hit a benchmark of appearance tolerablity in order to be considered for guessing just how much that grill set is. In layman's terms, you cannot be fugly. If you are young, Price is Right demands you fall into a certain demographic before it shows you on TV. Are you the short but stout cute girl? Then you better hope you are cuter than the 50 others there. Are you athletic guy? Then you directly compete against other athletic people in a race of attractiveness. The same goes for old people, and trying to be the least unsightly one there.

Also, affirmative action requires at least one black person. So you can always try that.

Go with a group
Simply assemble a group to go, either through a rec. center trip or craigslist, and then break them down to make them feel like they are shit. Once they are putty in your hands, bring them to the taping. Make sure they act cheerful and fun to be around, and wield your large group into the auditorium. If one of them is picked to come on down, demand that they switch names with you and go down to the Contestants Row in their stead. The more people you have the better, but it can be a hassle to psychologically denature and build up a group more than 20 people. It's best to get help with this, or await a future guide, "How do I psychologically denature people?" Post-show ritual suicide is completely optional, but personally preferred.

Sell yourself
Drew Carey hates his life but you can be his ray of sunshine on a gloomy day, under the assumption that you give a very radiant and cost-effective blowjob. The plus side of this is that you can haggle a price with him, and keep upping the price until he stops at one he deems is the most reasonable. Of course, if the difference is too large, it will cause the yodeling man to fall off the mountain. Don't play hard to get too much, as he can easily get it from on of the Price is Right models. I think it's in their contract.

I actually attended a Price is Right taping myself trying to crack the secret to getting on stage. However, my original notes for this caper were written in a spot of drunken ingenuity. As such, my manuscript is barely legible and what can be made out makes little sense. Here is all I have so far. The ellipses (...) stand for things my sober mind could not comprehend:

Listen, all you need to do is be on her when she takes your tickets, but you need to offer your heart... If all the stickers have your name on them, then I guess you're up fuckcreek with out a shitpaddle... I didn't know they used ventriloquism(?) in these parts... Dressing room hi-jinks like that one movie... Man that big wheel is awesome, it just keeps going until it stops... I miss you, Glen.

So what I pieced together from this is that, if you befriend the woman that takes your tickets and don't have your name on all the stickers, you can hide in the dressing room and pretend you're a ventriloquist. This HAS to get you a spot on the show.

Also, that big wheel is pretty awesome, and I'm a tad gay when I'm drunk. Who knew?

How do I woo college cuties for healthy, fruitful relationships?

2008-08-01T10:44:00.000-07:00

College is a time when certain urges come to a head. These urges revolve heavily around the opposite sex. Granted, these urges are no foreign matter to any male, but science has proven that at the age of 18, these urges come to a peak in most males. Coincidentally, the age of 18 typically marks the first or second year of college, where men may find themselves far away from home battling these inner demons. What are these urges, you ask? The specifics of what each man yearns for differs on a case to case basis, but for the most part a man yearns for an attractive female partner who…

Will discuss the science-fiction works of Philip K. Dick
Will play Contra with him.
Laughs at people wearing Yellowcard t-shirts.
Can crotchet elaborate pot holders that depict graphic scenes from WWI.

Wooing such a woman in college is difficult, but science, as it often does, has an answer. While men reach the aforementioned peak at the age of 18, women do not reach their Philip K. Dick/Contra/Yellowcard sucks/make fuckin’ sweet pot holders peak until the age of 30.

But rest assured, gentlemen. It is not impossible. Much like Mountain Dew, college cuties come in many flavors. And also like Mountain Dew, some of these flavors are disgusting and are only sold in Taco Bell.

Here are some of the more worthwhile types of women you will encounter on your college campus and sure-fire methods to woo them:

Attractive But Uncomfortably Quiet Girl
President Roosevelt addressed the nation with his famous quotation of “The problem with bitches is bitches always be talkin’,” he failed to realize how terrible the alternative is. Y’know, when bitches ain’t always be talkin’. The best way to win over an unconditionally quiet girl is to force her to do scenes from The Miracle Worker, where she plays Helen Keller and you play her teacher, Anne Sullivan, who must carry the burden of teaching her language. Which scene is up to you, but if I may, the water pump scene is very effective.

Art Chicks
You can identify a girl with an art major by the way she dresses. They typically look like they came straight from the 80s. The reason for this is the fact they did come straight from the 80s. If you can help one locate a time-machine to get back to her own time, she’ll be yours forever. Except you have to go back to the 80s with her. On second thought, ignore this type of girl.

Girl That Works at a Coffee Establishment
Simply order two of everything hot on the menu and horribly burn one of her coworkers with what you just bought. Like, if I was a woman, that would make me fall in love pretty damn fast.

Cutie With a Drastically Different Set of Beliefs Than Your Own
Beliefs can encompass anything from morals to religion. There really is no way for me to suggest a course of action that can be applied to everything single set of beliefs a girl could have. With that being said, I have had great success just handing these girls African Fertility Idols.

I realize this guide only applies to the heterosexual male seeking a female. For the gay readers looking for that college cutie, just sure you find someone that’s about your size. That way, you double your wardrobe. Fulfilling and economic.

How do I perform magic tricks?

2008-07-29T21:13:00.000-07:00

Magicianry and magical performance has wowed audiences since the Stone Age, where early magicians were just merely retarded members of a tribe that others would throw rocks at for hours of entertainment. Since then, magicians have come a long way. No longer relying on being born with an extra chromosome, the magic entertainment scene, or magitainment, or magiment, has flourished as man (specifically recently divorced and lonely man) fell in love with the sleight of hand. Some people view it as a respectable career. Others haven't taken the time to give a shit. Regardless, here are some impressive tricks one can learn in order to further their career in failure.

Thumb pulling so it seems like you tore your thumb off but you really don't
My uncle Jim pulled this one on me for years, and it wasn't until recently I realized his secret: He had his thumb blown off in 'Nam. You should do that to. I really don't know any other way to go about it.

Occupational switcheroo
If you are a magician and you meet someone, it is important to hide most facets of your life. By making your sadness vanish into thin air, you can give the illusion that you have a life that is worth living. You can say you are anything else but a magician and get along fine, but you must make sure you are a convincing liar. Also, do not use magic tricks to impress onlookers, despite how much you like your chances, your tricks will always fail to impress. Your tricks are best put to use at parties and bar scenes. Word of wise: if you're doing a trick at a bar or party make sure it employs the use of a glass of water. It'll make swallowing your pride easier.

Appearing to be content with life at a child's birthday party
You really need this money. That newspaper ad will finally pay itself off with this performance, and you'll be back in the black, financially speaking. But now you're getting back on your feet and sticking to your guns in the first time in forever. Man, Beth wouldn't know what to think. That is, if she even bothered to pick up the phone or drop off the kids herself and not send Rick to do it. God, how did things get like this? It seemed like a week ago you were getting married, and now it's... it's nothing. Just whatever you do, don't cry during your show. You really need this money.

Also, wear shin gaurds. Kids kick.

Writing Workshop: Using Mythical Creatures

2008-07-28T10:00:00.000-07:00

There are countless books sitting on shelves here at the Survival Guide that don’t implore the use of mythical creatures. These books, typically, don’t get read. We all know how it is. You’ll be reading a book and you’re into it (but not really into it) and then suddenly the author drops a mythical creature on your unsuspecting reader ass. Then, before you know it, you’re talking like a Chatty Kathy at your book club and telling everybody that you had trouble identifying with the characters until the hydra sex scene. Everyone will nod in silent agreement because they were also captivated by those five erotic chapters in a way that words cannot even begin to describe.

So the question remains: as a writer, should you use mythical creatures in your work? Simply put, the answer consists of two words: “fuck” and “yes.”

Oh, and before you get any ideas, don’t even think about writing in a hydra sex scene. Or any mythical creature sex scene, for that matter. That shit is a Mr. Jones trademark and I ain’t got no love for imitators.

Unicorn

For when you need fantastical, but not a village of pixies fantastical.

The word unicorn is made up of the smaller words uni (which means one) and corn (which is horn spelled wrong). Usually pure white and surrounded by sparkles, I’m not sure if they actually eat anything. If they do, they probably shit hope. Or optimism.

When to use: A unicorn is best suited for the final pages of your novel. When everything’s wrapping up and the happy ending is becoming clearer and clearer, a paragraph or two about the main character watching a unicorn run into the ruins of a bombed hospital where his mother was killed is a good way to give the reader closure.

Chimera

Lion? Scary. Dragon? Terrifying. Goat? Not so much.

Depending on the writer, each head might have a special ability. Usually when I write a chimera into my story, I like to have it so every time the goat head opens its mouth music plays. I then usually pick a song that coincides with the piece’s theme.

When to use: Not to be a dick, but if you have a character in your story that is scared of lions, dragons, and goats, a chimera should be a no-brainer.

Jersey Devil

This picture really doesn’t need a caption.

A creature that has been supposedly spotted in forested areas of New Jersey. It was widely regarded as real for a time until people realized some people in Jersey just look like that.

When to use: The Jersey Devil is great comic relief. Maybe after a really serious scene you could have a Jersey Devil come in and knock over some garbage cans. That seems funny.

How do I look cool whilst riding a moped?

2008-07-24T21:30:00.000-07:00

You are in a transportation conundrum. While yes, you could walk to your destination, or take a bus, or even take one of the many luxurious cars you own, nothing compares to the excitement of riding your personal motor scooter. Not only are these scooters cost-conscience in this crazy world of high gas prices, they are like fun little motorcycles which you can comfortably drive on roads and sidewalks. There is nothing stopping you from driving one... until you actually see one.

And even that is manageable... until you see someone riding one.

Between the man, the scooter, the lightpost, and trees: which one of these is afraid of growing up?

It's the pinnacle of personal transportation, but yet no manufacturer has found a way to make the moped look drivable whilst keeping your dignity. I have scrounged up some strategies in order to salvage your shriveled manhood.

Scarves
While you might think that scarves would only further the stereotype that you have been dealt a shit hand in life, scarves actually make you come off as the adventurous type. This is something that young women will take note of while you lock your scooter up on the bike racks alongside other people who also think your scooter looks cool. Chances are, these people are mostly 12 year-olds. Even though the opinions of 12 year-olds shouldn't matter to you, eventually the 12-year olds will grow up to be 18 year-olds who can buy cigarettes. Think about it.

Blast music
As Aerosmith once told me during one of our many coke parties last week, music is a weapon, and there is no reason you shouldn't use it against your naysayers while you are crusin'. Use your scooter's speakers, or, better yet, attach a boom box to your scooter using the latest in bungee cords and soldering technology. Then, blast music that no one can misconstrue as lame. Make sure the bass is especially high at red lights, so when people look around to see what car the cool guy is driving, they only see your scooter. Minds will be blown.

Be smooth
While you are on the scooter, just pretend like you are having the most fun of your life. This may include drinking, and while I feel strange for encouraging such wreckless behavior, go for it. Become the life of your own party. The fact of the matter is that people get hit by cars all the time. If you were to ever hit someone on your scooter while partying, I imagine your vehicular manslaughter sentence would be shortened significantly, due to the judge and jury's awed silence.

Biker
By riding a scooter, you share an overlap with all the baddest bikers through the Venn diagram of two-wheeled motor transport. Use this to your advantage by going leather clad. Jackets, vests, chaps, you name it. All of them will set you apart from not looking like your typical scooter rider. If you complete your look, the desired results should look like this:

One stop shopping! You can just buy the entire outfit on the cheap from leather stores and costumes shops. Just ask for the costume of the leather enthusiast of Village People fame.

How do I write an emotionally charged suicide note?

2008-07-23T09:47:00.000-07:00

First off, before everyone gets on my case about giving tips on writing a quality suicide note instead of tips on stopping said suicide, let me be clear: you don’t actually have to commit suicide if you want to write a suicide note.

Let’s be honest here, the difference between an honest-to-God heart-wrenching final note to your loved ones and some poorly chosen last words (possibly even written on graph paper, for shame!) is the difference between the best prank ever and another lame April Fools’.

Last year, I planted a fake suicide note on my Leon Firestone’s desk as a gag. You should have seen the look on his face! He was in such awe of such a practical joke that Leon even tried to get me back with the same damn gag! I could not have been happier. After all, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

Edit by Leon Firestone: That note wasn’t fake. I was going to do it. I was going to fucking do it, you unfeeling prick.

Good times, good times.

Anyway, here was the note:

To Whom It May Concern (But definitely not Leon Firestone):

Ever since New Year’s I have been troubled. I was at a party and we were about a half hour into the New Year. At this point, I was pretty drunk but the fact of the matter is a drunken tongue speaks a sober mind. Anyway, I went up to Leon (who we established in the header of this letter that he does not care) and I said “I love working with you man,” and then I gave him a hug. But the thing is, he only like, half hugged me back. He just kind of put his shoulder into my chest. Granted, he did put his arms around me but there was no squeeze. You know where I’m coming from, right? It feels weird when you’re the only guy squeezing in a hug.

From that point on, I became incredibly depressed and I wrote this song:

Everybody's working for the weekend
Everybody wants a little romance
Everybody's goin' off the deep end
Everybody needs a second chance, oh
You want a piece of my heart
You better start from start
You wanna be in the show
Come on baby lets go

Hey there Delilah
What's it like in New York City?
I'm a thousand miles away
But girl, tonight you look so pretty
Yes you do
Times Square can't shine as bright as you
I swear it's true

You want a piece of my heart
You better start from start
You wanna be in the show
Come on baby lets go

Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
Oh it's what you do to me
What you do to me

Goodbye forever!

Someone could have stopped this (but not Leon, because he has a tiny heart and has no love to share),
Mr. Jones

It should be noted that the letter was written in blood (Ram’s blood; I’m not a freak) and placed in an envelop with “Suicide Note!” written on the front.

I think that about answers the question.

How do I appear taller?

2008-07-21T21:05:00.000-07:00

Short people have it rough. This is a fact that decades of psychological research has proven, but it's Randy Newman's song that makes it much more than theory. Not only do short people die sooner than their taller counterparts, but they are more prone to sleep apnea, skin tremors, and fire. On an interpersonal level, everyday people treat shorties as lesser-beings subconsciencely because of their stature. If you are a shortie, you have no doubt felt the pain your height can bring, and also, happy birthday. As a gift, here are some ways you can appear taller and rid yourself the chains of midgetocity.

Wear Vertical Stripes
Wearing vertical stripes will make you appear taller and thinner. This is the opposite of horizontal stripes, which make you appear shorter and bitchier. This logic also applies to obnoxiously large belts, as the horizontal lines fools the eye into thinking you're more unattractive. I mean, seriously, they're so kitch. But maybe I should save that for "How do I not look like a big ol' bitch?"

Leg Extensions
While you will have to supply your own femurs, any respectable back alley doctor should be willing to give you leg extensions. While it will take a month or so of rehab in order to get the hang of walking with two knees joints, it will be all worth it when you act as a living monolith over those who were once towering over you. You're now that tower. That very wobbly tower.

Mech suit
Choose from either steampunk or anime styles.

Shrink ray
We all know your shortness has driven you to extremes. Why else would you be reading this entry? God made you short, so why should you have to change how you look? Everyone else deserves to be shrunk down to size. Hell, they're begging for it. Also, you can make them fight ants!

Advice Jackers: At Least You're Not These People

2008-07-18T10:32:00.000-07:00

Again we have happened upon letters addressed to Abby. Fortunately for her, I saved her the time (again) and answered the inquiries for her.

DEAR ABBY,

I work in a small office with shared workspaces. One of my co-workers has a sniffling problem that I think may be just a habit. He makes extremely loud sniffing noises all day long. There are no tissues on his desk, and once I asked him if he needed sinus medication. He said no, but the sniffling stopped momentarily.

Abby, the sound makes me sick to my stomach. What should I do? -- SNIFFLED OUT IN INDIANA

Dear ANAL-RETENTIVE OFFICE DRONE,

What your coworker has is probably just a social tic. Although seemingly strange, social tics can be great fun. My associate, Leon Firestone, has a similar problem. Instead of sniffling noises, he randomly channels the wayward spirits of the dead.

Leon has his good days and his bad days. He can go weeks without a single channeling, but sometimes there will be the days where I have to listen Leon yell the tortured cries of an entire family that was killed in a bus accident.

How do I cope? I turn it into a little drinking game. Every time he channels a soul, I take a shot. If drinking every time you hear that sniffling doesn’t sound like a good idea, try the opposite of alcohol: online poker.

Edit by Leon Firestone: I can’t actually channel spirits. One day I just did it as a joke and Mr. Jones starting drinking when I did it. On days when I’m especially bored, I like to see how much I can get him to drink. One day, after finishing a pint of bourbon, he actually drank rubbing alcohol. Oddly enough, that day was one of the most productive.

---

DEAR ABBY,

I am a 27-year-old stay-at-home mom with three kids. Two are my fiance "Sean's"; the littlest is ours together. Sean and I have been together almost seven years.

I need help. I am a very depressed person and have been for many years. I shop excessively and spend way too much -- sometimes all of our money -- and I don't know how to stop. Shopping makes me feel happy, and when I'm depressed (which is often), I go out shopping for stuff I don't even need. I have even started shopping online for stuff. I feel horrible about this. Sean and I have tried separate bank accounts, but when I'd run low I would just tap right into his. Please help me. I don't know what to do. -SPEND-A-HOLIC IN VENTURA, CALIF.

Dear VERY EMPTY WOMAN,

A friend once suggested I freeze my credit cards in a block of ice to curb my spending. Normally, that would work, but knowing your hopeless situation (and lack of will power) you would just end up putting the frozen cards in your purse and then your purse would get all wet and you’d look even more empty than before because before you were the lady that can’t stop spending money but now you’re the lady that can’t stop spending money and that is inexplicably dripping water everywhere.

What I’m trying to say is don’t freeze your credit cards. Hope that helps!

---

DEAR ABBY,

I love your column. Unfortunately, it appears on the same page as the comics and Sudoku puzzle in our newspaper. Every morning my boyfriend drinks a cup of coffee and then disappears into the bathroom for a good 15 minutes -- even longer on weekends -- with your section of the paper. Half the time I never get it back, and if I do it's never in fresh, crisp condition.

Dear WOMAN I HOPE TO GOD I NEVER MEET IN PERSON,

Thanks for telling us that not only is the average time it takes for your boyfriend to take a dump is 15 minutes, but also thank you for telling us it takes him longer to dump on weekends.

Were you even asking for help? I can't tell. There was no question and you didn't even leave a stupid pseudonym like "spend-a-holic in Ventura, Calif." I don't want to seem like a dick, but I'm pretty sure you don't know how this works.

Info Nuggest: Secret Menu Items

2008-07-16T00:01:00.000-07:00

In any respectable franchise restaurant, there is the menu that laid before the public's eye that is suppose to represent all possible items open for consumption. But some items are too... obscure to revealed to the public eye. Some meals are more... avant garde compared to what the regular consumer is use to. Some food stuffs are simply... ball-bursting to even be imagined by the regular clientele of a Sonic Burger or TGI Friday's. How do I discover these exotic tastes? How do I order such an item without getting a weird look? How delicious do these forbidden fruit taste?

Mr. Jones and I have scoured the most renown and most common restaurants across America and purposely asked for items not seen on the menu. When ordering these meals, we made sure to lean in and shift our eyes from side to side to make sure they knew we were in on the secret menu scandal. When we completely hit a hidden menu item, the clerk immediately knew what we were talking about and proceeded to make the best meals imaginable. The following are restaurants that feature menu items you never knew existed.

Taco Bell
Chefs will make whatever you request as long as they have the proper ingredients. Also, since the customer is always right, they have no choice but to follow your order. Do want your meat all hot and cooked? Just order him to take it from the freezer. Want your lettuce to be marinated in Taco Bell's exclusive Mountain Dew Baha Blast? They'll take it straight from the syrup. Want your quesdilla to be filled money from that water-filled donation cylinder? Those orphans rely too much on polio vaccines, anyway. It's Taco Bell. Think outside the reasonable.

Sonic
If asked, male cashiers are trained to dip their balls in your specialty fruit drinks upon request. This dates back to when Sonic first opened in 1910, where they were the first restaurant to offer the influential and often imitated nutshake.

Jack-In-the-Box
If you ask for a E. Coli Burger, it is store policy for the Jack-in-the-Box mascot, Jack, to punch you in the nards for being a smartass. If he is not available, the manager takes over nard-punching duties, as detailed in computer training lesson 3.6, "E. Coli: Who fucking said it?"

Did you know... that his 5 'o clock meeting takes place all up in your grill?

KFC
It is corporate policy for KFC to liquefy any item on the menu per customer request. Limit 5 liquid items per order.

Krispy Kreme
By simply asking for the glaze cup, you receive a travel-style coffee cup of Krispy Kreme's patented glaze for your consumption. This can either be drank from the cup, or you can pour it over any other food during your day. For larger sizes, customers have to sign waivers to not sue in case of heart explosion or artery fires.

Jamba Juice
Jamba Juice is most well-known for it's health drinks and boosters, so some menu items are hidden to keep up with their concentration on drinks that are good for you. However, your juice batista will know what you need when you ask for such drink flavors like Chocolate, Bacon, and Chocobacon.

Burger King
Ask for the Nugget Burger, and you will receive a standard Whopper, but with all the ground beef replaced with chicken fries. If they disagree, just order a Whopper and an order of chicken fries. It might be messy, but it's so worth it. Also, hamburger patties make an unidentifiable sound when they are thrown in protest against the brick BK walls.

Hooters
Ask your waitress for the non-diarrhea inducing wings.

Pizza Hut
With their mission statement of putting cheese in places most unfathomable, you can ask for any menu item to be filled with mozzarella cheese. This include drinks, in which the rim of your glass is filled with pipping hot cheese, accompanied with shots of marinara.

Wendy's
A former imitator of Sonic's drinks, Frostys can be turned into nutshakes at a reasonable price with a nutatoe for only 50 cents more.

Info Nugget: The Early Life of H.P. Lovecraft

2008-07-14T10:02:00.000-07:00

Like so many prolific writers, Lovecraft’s early life planted the seeds that would later be sowed into a writing career famous for stories of the macabre. Known today as one of the most influential writers of the horror genre, it should come to no surprise that his writing focused on the darker side of the human mind. His first known piece was written at the age of 10 and was an extremely short story (later dubbed “flash fiction”) about walking in on his parents doing it. It reads as follows:

As I lay in bed, I noticed a most awful sound oozing through the walls like some infernal oil yawned from the depths of hell. My blood did not run cold, but it certainly wanted to run. It wanted to push through my pores and run as far as it could from that awful noise. By sheer willpower, I managed to keep myself from transforming into a frightening, bloodless husk of a human being. I should thank God that I did not descend into hysterics but a world where that awful sound exists is certainly a Godless one.

But the sound! Any and all descriptions fall short! Perhaps centuries down the line when such terror at the hands of this noise is more familiar to the human populous a word (or words, for that matter) will be created to aptly describe the sheer gut-wrenchitude. But for now, I am alone both in the literal sense and my ability to recount this occurrence if I survive.

Just as terror can get the best of a man, so can bravery. I left my bedroom and noticed the sound appeared to be projecting from my parent’s quarters. This damnable sound! Is it not content with injecting me with pure fear, or does it also have dark aspirations that leave me orphaned from parents that have died soundlessly in their bed from its terror?

The door was opened a crack, and I pushed forward. What I saw through the modest lighting the moonlight provided was this: a creature most foul with four arms and four legs rhythmically rocking back and forth.

That sound that filled the woodworks of my simple home did not simply come from the beast’s mouth; for it had two mouths… each of them equally responsible for the sound!

This is not a picture of H.P Lovecraft as a child and I'm fairly certain he never played baseball. Not to mention the time in which Lovecraft lived would have made a color photo impossible. But let's face it, all kids look the Goddamn same so this is a good picture as any.

During his primary education, Lovecraft was picked on constantly for his habit of trying to relate everything to giant, underwater cities. Eventually, his theory on sunken cities and the pent-up aggression from repressed memories of bullying manifested itself into the story The Call of Cthulhu, arguably his most chilling tale.

Before he devoted his life to writing, Lovecraft had much trouble holding onto steady employment. He worked many jobs, including a drug store clerk, a stock boy, and a baker’s assistant. The reason these jobs were short lived were all the same: he would not stop making spooky ghost noises.

Ironically enough, when he met his wife, Sonia Greene, at an amateur journalism convention, the reason she fell for him was the fact he would not stop making spooky ghost noises.

How do I make a gift card look like a respectable gift and not a lame-ass cop out?

2008-07-11T00:36:00.000-07:00

The gift card is often referred to as the last resort in gift shopping. It is the option exhausted by distant family members who do not know what you want or the coordinators of raffles who feel that a third place prize of a $10 towards Kohl's should do it. However, there is a long lost artistry in gift card giving, which can salvage even the most thoughtless gift into something memorable.

Decide the amount
This is the hardest part of the gift card purchase. While you must make sure you are not going over budget, you must also put a monetary value on love you share with the receiver. 25 bucks should do it. 25 bucks always does it. Always.

Decide the store

This is the hardest part of the gift card purchase. Your recipient will expect to receive something from the store he always shops at. If they shop and Best Buy and you buy him a Best Buy gift card, you are only furthering their mundanity. Instead of something typical, get them a gift card to something they have never tried before! They will appreciate the spontaneity and definitely look into redeeming their card for the alternative clothes/discount lion safari shop you picked for them.

Encase it in gold
This is the hardest part of the gift card purchase. People love gold. No matter what it is encasing, they will be impressed. If you do not have the money for this expensive endeavor, ask someone for a gift card to a place that would do this. If they had any brains, they would take the hint and give you a gift card to the alternative clothes/discount lion safari shop.

Did you know... I received this as a Christmas gift from an Uncle I don't talk to? It was filled with a $25 gift card to Bath & Body Works.

Encase it in an animal
This is the hardest part of the gift card purchase. People love gold, but not as much as they love animals. However, both of these are different loves. One is for companionship, and one is for wealth. Marry these two loves by feeding an adorable, preferably living animal your gold encased gift card. I suggest something that is bigger than the gold card itself, as to avoid emotional scarring of onlooking children.

Encase it in a box made of gift cards
This is the hardest part of the gift card purchase. Using a whole lot of glue and tape, make a rudimentary gift box out of gift cards. This is very straight forward, as long as you've read the rest of this entry and realize all of these gift cards must be encased in gold, which then must be encased by a preferably living animal. All your hard work will be worth it when they come back from their alternative clothes/wild animal safari shop with a purchase that totaled no greater than $25.

How do I better connect with my father?

2008-07-09T10:12:00.000-07:00

As many are well aware, I was raised by strippers and, as such, I had no prominent father figure in my life. So I can’t help but find myself at an impasse when asked to provide quality advice for connecting with fathers.

However, I do have a computer and an Internet connection. There are countless online services that allow me to trace my family’s history as far back as I deem necessary. Although my father remained as elusive as ever, one service in particular helped me track down a journal written by my grandfather.

At first glance, a journal of my grandfather’s (whom I have never met) seems to offer little in the way establishing some universal method of connecting with one’s dad, but, lo and behold, the journal contains information about my father! Unfortunately, the journal is in bad shape and much of it unreadable. Even still though, this surely will allow me to finally put an end to this mystery.

Let's read on:

February 4th, 1954
My son has taken his first steps today! What a glorious occasion! Although his steps were shaky and without confidence (after all, children are many things but especially stupid), I see it only as a manner of time before his ability to walk solidifies and I will be able to affix a harness to my beautiful son and have him drag a cart around the house. What will I place in the cart? I do not know! The possibilities of fatherhood are endless!

March 29th, 1954
My wife feels the cart idea is ill conceived. Although I respect her opinion and realize that it is my husbandly duties to appreciate her input, she, regrettably, does not see the goldmine we are sitting on. But no matter! I just pray she does not find the secret lever by the bookcase.

June 18th, 1960
My son told me he wants to be a professional baseball player. Whether or not he means in the near future or when he grows up was not said. His current stature, like most kids his age, is not one of a professional athlete.

September 15th 1962
A new family has moved in the across the street, a newly wed couple with their first child due any time now. The husband has shown much interest in my baby-cart-harness. I may be able to trust this one.

January 19th 1965
It is buried in the yard.

May 20th, 1971
My son has graduated today. A wave of accomplishment washed over me as he walked across that stage. With that being said, I noticed his gradation gown was not terribly unlike a dress. This worries me.

*****

Jesus. I can safely say I know no more about my father than I did ten years ago. In fact, this journal may have caused me to unlearn things. And I’m not talking about on the subject of my father, either. I don’t think I know how to ride a bike anymore.

I don't think you understand how terrible this feels. It's like getting blue-balled for your entire life. But instead of sex, it's knowing who the fuck your dad is.

Christ, I don’t fucking know. Try:

Golfing with your dad
I saw that TV once. Probably works.

Going on a walk with him
Kinda lame, but whatever.

Just don’t wear matching sweaters.
That shit is retarded.

Goddamn. I don't want to even care anymore.

How do I properly use the Facebooks?

2008-07-07T00:01:00.000-07:00

The Facebooks (or merely "Facebook," as it is often called by people with wallet chains and/or swoop haircuts) has quickly become the most popular social networking site in the United States and not without good reason. Facebook sets itself apart from other networking sites like MySpace and Friendster by allowing users to make comments, list interests and upload pictures, all with the very first blue/white color scheme. While millions and millions have effectively added their face to this book, newcomers need to be caught up on how to effectively use these new tools. Here are some things to keep in mind so you can get the most out of your Facebookings.

Use the News Feed
The News Feed allows you to keep tabs on all your friends and their goings-on, and will prove to be the most important tool in your new life on Facebook. While being able to look at comments that friends write for each other and and reading someone's updated favorite quotes seems completely indispensable (and believe me, it is), the real meat is that it allows you to spot Relationship Status updates.

Ever think that Craig guy was wrong for Becky? Keep your eyes on the feed and wait for the Beckyhammer to fall. Those few hours after the information hits Facebook is a critical period for you to make your move. It may seem sleazy, but rest assured that little broken heart icon next to the status change is like a green flag from God telling you to go for the throat.

Mr. Jones edit: I cannot tell if you Leon's use of the phrase "go for the throat" is literal or not. On one hand, he may be trying to communicate a sense of aggressiveness when pursuing a potential lady, but, on the other hand, he has been spending a lot of time bonding with these two Doberman that guard the junkyard by our office. On several occasions he has chased me out of the office trying to bite me and my only means of escape has come from scaling a chain link fence.

Also, stay the fuck away from Becky.

Interest Breakdown
What if there was a way to know everything you needed to know about someone long before you even dream of waiting outside their house with a burlap sack and a tire iron? Now you can with Facebook's interests section! Their favorite music, movies, TV shows, and books are divided for easily digested reading. Take note of these and know what hip band to name drop during AIM conversations/dates/her feeding time. You might think this is dishonest, but after looking at hundreds of teen and preteen Facebook pages, this section is always the same.

Below these listings is a section called "About Me." This section is completely ignorable because everything you need to know is organized from the top down. Let me walk you through:

1. Contact Info - How else are you going to find out her address?
2. Music - This will immediately tell you how she dresses/how easy she is.
3. TV shows - Only go with people who like American Idol. That makes sure they are predictable.
4. Movies - Is she smart and appreciative of art? If so, you probably want to pass. I use the following rhyme when determining if a girl is smart by her favorite movies: Taxi Driver? Non-Survivor! One Missed Call? Fun for all (all = you)!
5. Books - This reaffirms the point made in 4. If they have anything listed, be hesitant.
6. Favorite quote - Make sure it's about being a slut.
7. About me - No matter what page you are on, this is what you will read:
"I'm your regular girl who likes to hang out with friends and make out with cute boys. Other things I like include ribbons, bows, glitter (both the pretty thing and the movie), freedom, kittens and CRAZY LOCKER MONSTER (lulz BBF Ashlee). If you are over 45, please stop messaging me."

Analyze Pictures
Don't go by the thumbnail. The thumbnail can turn the trashiest of hambeasts into lookers. For example, here is a picture of a girl I was wooing once on Facebook.

I was overjoyed when she invited me over to her house, because it usually takes me two weeks of flirty text messages to figure out her parent's work schedule. Things took quite a turn when I showed up at her door and saw her as she really was:

At first I thought "Aw fuck, it's Krang," but it turns out that she's just Krang's cousin. I wanted to run away in fear, but I couldn't help but be mesmerized by her way of life. I stayed around and made small talk. I asked her how Krang was, and he's doing pretty good for himself, actually. He's moved on to better things since Shredder. He's now selling old baseball cards online, currently standing as the most successful baseball card seller in the Midwest! We chatted more over coffee about our shared favorite movies and books. Her rapier wit shone through as we shared embarrassing awkward moments like we've known each other for years. I was there for hours until I finally had to get going to pick up Mr. Jones from the airport, but at least I won't make the same mistake of meeting up with some fatass-brainstomach-motherfuck like her again.

Those with the Facebooks?

Join the revolution. Become a fan. Be somebody.

How do I effectively manage my office?

2008-07-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

I will be blunt: management is tough. The best managers are equal parts inviting and feared. Like a golden retriever puppy with a bayonet.

I myself have had my fair amount of managerial experience, some good, some bad. During college (where I earned minors in both Jewish studies and Gay and studies) I was a RA for a dry dorm. I found myself at a moral crossroads. On one hand, I had to enforce the rules (as was in my job description) and on the other, I didn’t want to come across as a total tool shed. As would be expected, I inevitably had to inspect a noise complaint and found two roommates boisterously enjoying beverages of the spirituous nature.

Normally, I’m supposed to make them dump out their alcohol and write them up. Instead, I used my out-of-the-box thinking and let the gentlemen keep their alcohol and continue drinking on the condition one roommate assaulted the other with piano wire while I recorded a video for prosperity’s sake. Needless to say, the gentlemen kept their liquor and I found myself on the road to effectively employing the use of my authority. I think we all grew up a little that day.

I have since applied what I learned to an office setting, and the following two tactics should prove useful when seeking the line between friend and feared that all managers so desire:

Don’t bother with names.
Remembering names is hard, especially when you subconsciously refer to your subordinates as things like “sweaty stack of a pancakes” or “woman that clearly has nothing going for her.” As a manager, it would be career suicide to let any of these labels slip out during speech. Luckily, there are ways to combat this. After all, it hardly seems fair that your job is constantly on the line because a man with glandular problem is forcing you to be unable to use your favorite word to describe people: gelatinous.

Instead assign numbers. Numbers don’t offend anyone, because numeric values are, by nature, objective and without bias.

And don’t think this means you can’t have fun with your subordinate’s new number-names! For example, you can assign numbers based on people’s ages or, even better, their weight.

That’ll show that fat fuck.

Present the idea that the office is a family and family always comes first.
A sense of comradery is a must for any organization and there is no better sensation of comradery than a family.

Naturally, this means the family of each and every one of your employees just made your shit list. You cannot have them going home and sharing social bonds that are greater than the ones they feel at the office; to allow that to happen is synonymous with failure as a manager.

The easiest way to fix this problem en mass is to throw a company picnic which has a potato sack race. Offer to help your employees’ loved ones into their potato sacks in a secluded spot (a nearby heavily forested area, for example). Take this opportunity to do what has to be done. Although I will not explicitly state what that consists of, I will provide the helpful hint that it should end with them waking up in a river in a potato sack. As a manager, you should use your decision-making skills as to which river is best to dump someone that is trapped in a potato sack. Let’s face it, you didn’t get your job not knowing how to hide a body.

Advice Jackers: Body woes, Jokester foes, House-o's, and Kitten Bows

2008-07-02T00:18:00.000-07:00

In the previous entry of advice jackers, Mr. Jones detailed you on the lengths in which I go to acquire letters that are en route to Dear Abby and other such advice gurus. I fear that he has taken my whimsical and sarcastic explanation as hard fact. I do not, in fact, train messenger pigeons to sweep down and steal your precious mail. Instead, I use them as weapons in my war against the postal system for folding an envelop of a very rare poster of Tom Selleck in prestine condition. Now our mahogany-enriched office is tainted by a distinct crease in the defining ornament of our workspace. Sometimes pigeons come back for mail, sometimes they don't. If you are Mark Albright and you are currently wondering what happened to this month's Maxim, I am sorry. If you are Grace Kelly and do not know when your Liberty Medical shipment of Wilford Brimley approved insulin will be coming in, please contact Mr. Brimley and ask for an emergency shipment posthaste.

This is what my pigeons look like, only with a lot more feral rage. Also, switchblades.

Anyhow, here are some people who did not ask for our advice, but will most definently be saved by it.

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DEAR ABBY,

I'm now a junior in high school and participate in numerous varsity sports. Even though I am a competitive athlete, I am still insecure about my body. I constantly worry about my size -- that I am too fat or too small. I am never content about my body. How can I build my self-confidence? -- LAS VEGAS TEEN

Dear LAS VEGAS PIG,

Maybe you are insecure about your body weight because everyone else on the team is in better shape than you? You can try to work and strain yourself further in order to catch up and be normal, OR you can get them to start slacking by replacing their water with motor oil. Not only is it not as nourishing as water, but it really adds the pounds, followed by vomiting more pounds up.

Also, they have schools in Vegas? Do they teach you hookers and blow and how to get mauled by a tiger?

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DEAR ABBY,

Last year my brother's daughter married a horrible man I'll call "Willard." Willard is rude, vulgar and makes constant sexual innuendos. The rest of the family have decided to have nothing to do with my brother's family because of it. We're afraid to invite them to gatherings and holidays for fear that Willard will come with the rest.

We have talked about it with my brother and his wife. They feel that because Willard has become part of their family, he should be accepted whether we like him or not. Another problem: My brother thinks Willard is "wonderful" and says nothing when he's out of line. Is it time for us to also cut them off, or do you have any other ideas? -- TORN IN TUCSON

Dear RIP TORN,

Maybe you should give him a second shot. He seems like a fun guy to hang out with. Sexual innuendos are always funny, especially when they are about your family members. Your brother has the right idea by calling him "wonderful." You were always the wet blanket of the family. Your brothers and sisters, they were always out having fun and scraping their knees. Not you. You were the tall awkward girl who fucking loved reading Redwall. Maybe you should hang out with Willard some more and learn how to not be a big ol' douche about everything? No wonder why Mom and Dad always liked your brother the most.

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DEAR ABBY,

Does a house "burn up" or "burn down"? -- HOT TOPIC IN ASHEBORO, N.C.

Dear HOT POCKET

If we are talking about houses, then the answer is simple: the house can only burn down. Anything else would defy some of the greatest physicists of our time, the Talking Heads.

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DEAR ABBY,

I dress my Siamese cat, "Belle," in clothes and pajamas. (Yes, they make apparel for cats.) I also push her around in a stroller. My friends think I'm crazy, but I consider Belle to be my daughter.

One time, a teenager came up to me as I was pushing Belle in her stroller and asked, "Where's the baby?" I told her that Belle was like my baby.

Is it nuts to treat a cat like a child? -- MOM OF A FUR KID IN N.Y.

Dear DELUDED,

You might be an embodiment of everything I hate. You know that people who dress up their pets are humiliating animals across the world, right? (We know they make clothes for cats, parentheticals make you look like a smartass.) And you also know that crazy cat ladies and crazy cat gentlemen use cats to fill a void that is gaping left from a lack of intimacy? Well, you got a bullseye and a hole-in-one by epically failing at two aspects of life at the same time.

Do you consider Belle your daughter because you pushed her small cat body through your vaginal canal? No? Then why is she your daughter? Because she understands you? And you understand her? And you know all she wants is more cat clothes?

Maybe you should try to tone it back a little. Don't use a carriage. That's just creepy. Instead, try a baby coffin.

Info Nugget: Christmas in July

2008-06-30T09:55:00.000-07:00

Originally created by the German composer Wilhelm Richard Wagner at some point between his birth and death, Christmas in July appears to be another opportunity during the year to empower people with the Christmas spirit. In reality, however, Wagner’s intentions were not so pure.

In all actuality, Wagner was an anti-Semite and created the holiday because he was disappointed that the normal Christmas in December (often referred to as “vanilla Christmas” or “Christmas”) only alienated Jews from the gift-giving process once a year. He hoped that by having two Christmases a year he would be able to weaken the foundation of Jewish faith.

Unfortunately for Wagner, he was unsuccessful. The Jewish people in Europe did not feel alienated by the second Christmas, and actually felt even better about their faith because they got watch all their Christian friends deal with the bullshit that is gift receipts twice a year. Not to mention all the wrapping they didn’t have to do. That shit sucks.

Christmas in July in America
Not aware of the holiday’s original cruel intentions, President William McKinley made Christmas in July a recognized holiday in 1904. Nonetheless, the holiday was adopted with a few twists. Just like how New Orleans’s culture was born from a fusion of French, African, and hurricane influences, Christmas in July in America comes from a similar fusion of blind patriotism and love for baby Jesus.

Ways to celebrate
There are two acceptable ways to celebrate Christmas in July:

1. Celebrate like you would any normal Christmas, but at the end of the night shoot fireworks at the Christmas tree while chanting “USA! USA! USA!”

2. Go door to door singing, but instead of Christmas carols sing “Proud To Be An American” by Lee Greenwood. Or “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure. I really like that song. End your night by shooting fireworks into the tree while chanting the three magical letters that stand for freedom.

Why should I celebrate?
There’s fucking fireworks and presents! Who doesn’t like fireworks? And presents! Why wouldn’t you want to celebrate it? You’re not…gay… are you?

If you are, I won’t tell anyone. Do your parents know? Ah, I see. Don’t worry! I will be your rock. Together, you and I will weather this storm. Together.