Safety First: Halloweening

Halloween is one of the only holidays still around where the public eye can personally witness how stupid their kids truly are. Recent research shows that, when a kid's stupidity is measured on a 1-10 scale on non-Halloween days, they usually rank in at cuntaroonie. Halloween activities make matters worse, where masks, candy and the macabre often act as multipliers towards the kids culminated retardocity. This is why kids everywhere have been debriefed safety tips over and over again, in hopes to get it into their very thick skulls. There is no need for the Survival Guide to Everyday Life to repeat such a useless venture, so instead, we cut out the middle man and offer advice to the reason your kids need to learn to look both ways: The drunk driver.

Don't hit shiny things - Parents already take artistic liberties with their kid's costumes. Pretty princesses have bike-reflectors sewn into their dresses, and ninjas become covered with neon glow sticks as a last ditch effort to make sure their kids do not get hit. But Goddammit, do they have to be that bright? I mean, I like this street because it's dark and shit, but it's Halloween, there's stupid shiny shit everywhere. It use to be just in yards, but its in the street now? They could be shinier, and these cans are shiny, so you should just chuck this at them or something. It'll help but... fuck, man.

Start early - Like a normal Wednesday, make sure you start drinking pre-lunch. The trick here is to stop drinking and forget about any sort of family issues by 3pm and be somewhat capable of driving by when you leave at 6. But it is hard to forget why she left you. I mean, fuck man, you're just doing what you can do, and it's not like the chem mines were your idea. No fucking way they weren't. Someday, you'll show them, you'll show all of them about that shit and stuff.

Remember: this is the only day that you will not be dubbed a local hero for running over the Wolfman.

Honk/yell often - Kids are loud. Too loud. You can hardly hear yourself think over all of their laughing and screaming. I mean, some people really don't need this yelling shit right now. However, when you yourself yell, it is a calming experience that can help clear your mind of some of it's cobwebs and offer some clarity in your life. Also, by uncontrollably honking your horn and yelling obscenities to the 7-year-old passerbys, they know your presence, and you can concentrate on just how much you hate yourself and your stupid car and this stupid life.

Get home - You are your safest to yourself and everyone when you are at home, so it doesn't take a rocket psychologist to realize that the faster you drive home, the safer everyone around you will be. Seriously, why the crap is everyone blurry this year? Last year was Pokemon, this year is fucking blurry things. Kids are dumb. If you had a kid, he wouldn't be dumb. He'd be just like you. Fucking awesome. You'd party together and do it with bitches all the time. Shit.

House Calls: Internet Deprivation

Causes: Thank God you took off work to go on that family vacation. You were in such a haste to leave, you left all of your technological gadgetry behind, leaving your SideBerries and iZunes and the like to collect dust on the end table. This wasn't your original intention, but your spouse stated that you spend too much time "jacked in" to the "information super-highway" and it was really "pissing them off." You begrudgingly left all of that behind. Besides, are you really going to be RSSpoon fed your entire life? This vacation is your stand in reclaiming your life, by actually living outside the business world!

Then you realize you really need some internet porn.

Synopsis: Internet deprivation is much more than just missing internet porn. This can also be a result of missing out on everyday internet occurrences like forums, electronic mail, RSS news feeds, internet fads, hot young singles wanting to talk to you, or being surprised that one of your ex-school mates is married with another person from the same high school... AND THEY HAVE NINE KIDS?!

Symptoms: You should be able to recognize the disease from this timeline:

15 minutes without internet: Anxiousness and a constant worry that you just missed something cool.

30 minutes without internet: You see something, and wonder "what would 'Link420' say about that?"

1 hour without internet: Heart burn

2 hours without internet: You lose your appetite because your Parmesan chicken is not Food 2.0.

4 hours without internet: You start video blogging, using your cat as a camera.

8 hours without internet: Ability to speak is lost, and can only respond to other people with a thumbs up or thumbs down.

16 hours without internet: Death.

24 hours without internet: Your death is posted on your myspace, facebook, okurt, friendster, okcupid, and AdultFriendFinder profiles.

Did you know... that before the internet, people died in the coolest ways ever?

Treatments: There is an obvious treatment, which would be to get to the nearest cyber cafe or internet ready computer and start suckling on the precious internet teat. If there are no said possible connections around and symptoms are starting to get serious, then you can try for an artificial dose of internet. There are still several ways you can "log on" to the internet wherever you are.

• Find a cat and watch it play around with its surroundings. Think of different things it could be saying, taking into account the brain capacity and limited English of a cat and how that would effect the construction of its sentences.

• Go to a playground and call an 8 year old a cuntaroonie. Argue with his friends, too.

• Cut off peoples sentences with things you think they are going to say, based off of previous sentences.

• Go through your DVD collection, watch everything, then find one line of dialog you'd think would be awesome if played on A-B repeat. Also, find something to stare at while listening.

• Go to a real pornography boutique.

• Spot a fat kid walking down the street. What song should he be singing and dancing to? Does his dance rely heavily on arm pumps?

• Show everyone you know a picture you have in your wallet. Have them talk about how "true" it is.

How do I stop swearing?

Swearing was invented by George Carlin during the Renaissance. It was used very liberally, as evident by curse-laden art and diaries of Leonardo DaVinci. However, times have changed and excessive swearing is now frowned upon by many people. Mother's don't want you to swear around their children, I can't curse loudly at restaurants, and senile old men can't even swear in a public park, no matter if the duck in question actually had it coming. Is this a sign of our society becoming too nerfed and trying to appeal to everyone? Fuck yea, it is. Are we going to try to change that? No fucking way.

What you need to know is how to fit into a society where swearing is soon to be illegal, as foreseen in the documdrama Demolition Man. There are several ways to circumvent swearing, but these two are proven to be the most effective. We might add new ones later, if there is a scientific breakthrough on the subject matter. The steps given are both very self-explanatory and bitchin'. Bitch.

Swear Jar!

Find a jar laying around the house, and put it in a prominent position in whatever room you are in most. Assign monetary values to swears you use often. I used the following rules before I gave the fuck up.

• 25 cents - Crap
• 50 cents - bitch
• 75 cents - dickwillow
• $1.00 - fuckwad
• $1.25 - Shiteater McTardface
• $1.50 - Snapple
• $1.55 - Cuntaroonie

The original list was 36 words long, and I usually owed 34 dollars by the end of the day. The point is, it makes you realize how much you swear by taking away your precious money. Use the money from the swear jar to buy something nice for the family, like booze.

Fun Fact! Most of the money you put into the jar comes from the frustration of opening said jar!

Substitution!

You can also try finding different words to replace the swears. This is super-effective when you have already started the word and have to change it at the last second so your little niece doesn't go around calling every fucker that walks on by a dickwillow, no matter how adorable it is. Here are some of the most popular ones.

• Dick - change it to Dork
• Shit - change it to Fudge
• Fuck - change it to Fudge
• Dammit - change it to Fudge
• Douchebag - change it to Fudgebag
• Dickwillow - change it to Fudge Tree
• Snapple - change it to Fuckhead
• Fuckhead - change it to Fuckfudge
• Fuckfudge - change it to Cuntaroonie

It takes awhile to get the hang of, but before you know it, you'll be calling everyone fudge trees or cuntaroonies!

Did you know... That the term "dickwillow" comes from the outtakes of the charming family classic, Willow, where Warwick Davis slaps a woman with his erect penis?