How do I celebrate American Heart Health month?

January is a special month, not only because it is the first of the new year or of Martin Luther day, but because it is a month that asks you the seldom-asked question of "is my American heart healthy?" We aim to answer that question with a simple "of course it is." Your American heart is healthy because it is American, and American hearts never say die. Knowing this, you no longer have to ponder your vitality. You can instead just relax and enjoy American Heart Month without all of the cholesterol tests and tracing your family history of heart disease. Here are ways that we Americans can celebrate having the most healthiest Goddamn hearts.

Food makes everything happy
Celebrate your heart by gorging on all the things you would not eat if you had an unhealthy heart (impossible for Americans, but just pretend you are from Canada.) My rule of thumb is to only eat food that would be found at circuses and carnivals. Funnel cakes and other deep-fried desserts should command your attention through every meal, from breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner. I suggest you pick up a personal deep fryer for this month, and experiment with Twinkies and candy bars. If you already eat these food items throughout the year, slow down and let the rest of us lesser-Americans catch up : ). (<-this is a period, not an age spot on a smiley. those are disgusting and utterly not American) Put your heart on display
As heart is also the symbol for love, make sure everyone knows how much you love them by putting your heart out there. Leave it in the open, put it in a glass box, or wear it on your sleeve, if you enjoy wordplay as much as I do. While scientists are still discussing whether or not it is healthy to have your heart outside your body for an extended period of time, you should be alright as long as you can get a cheap but effective surgeon to take it out and put it back in once February rolls around. If you have scruples about cutting your heart out and parading it around, I suggest just creating a window into your chest cavity, as you never know when it will become useful. Also, this is American Heart month, and if you do not show your heart, I suggest you get the fuck off our land.

Go to the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory
For an evening or a week, there is no better place than the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory. Closed to the public for every other month, we open the conservatory to the masses during January so onlookers can see the many differences between animal hearts and homeless human hearts. Each heart comes accompanied with a plaque describing who or what it belonged to, and to what lengths we went to obtain it for our private-gone-public collection. Let us charm you with our personal tours every 30 minutes, and are open from 8 AM to 5 PM. Open bar. Americans only.

How do I tell if I had a successful Black Friday?

Black Friday (observed) is the day the slaves were freed in 1865 and is now a huge shopping holiday. Stores commemorate human rights and the emerging of common sense by having doorbusters, early birds, and dawn scavenger sales. However, the successes of your shopping can not be determined by simple monetary values. As we know, there is more to life than just money and the saving of said money. This checklist is meant to itemize your Black Friday (observed) experiences to make sure you are living a fulfilling life.

___Did you cut in any lines?

___Did you see anyone get jacked in the face?

___Ratio between how much you spent/how much you were going to spend

___Ratio between how much you spent/your life savings

___How many crying babies did you tolerate?

___Did you witness a bitchfight?

___Did you use your charisma and experience from hard-living to cajole extra deals?

___How many people did you see that you never want to see again?

___Did you only shop at Wal-Mart (God, I love Wal-Mart)?

___Did you see someone driving the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Did you drive the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Was that you who almost fucking hit me?

___Did you do any shopping for your family?

___Did you even see your family?

___Did you shake the hand of a black man and thank him for this day?

___Did you accidentally wish someone "Merry Christmas" despite it being 28 days away?

Checks count as one points, and each dollar counts as .005 of a point. If you got over 3 points, congratulations! You are living a fulfilling life that does not need to be in check, because seriously, you got this life shit down. If you were that person who almost hit me, really? I mean, there were signs everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Etiquette Excellence: Celebrating Presidents' Day

Much like Sandwich Day, Talk Like a Pirate day, and Bastille day, Presidents' day is an over-commercialized mess. However, unlike Christmas or Valentine's day, Presidents' day was created for the sole-purpose of getting everyday American's to help our economy and buy something that their family, friends, and landlords would love (Landlord Appreciation also lands on the third Monday of February. ) There is no sick misrepresentation of corporate America here however, as America wants us "...to spend dead presidents FOR our most important, yet dead, presidents." This was the catchphrase Nixon used to promote his initiative of Presidents' day as a national holiday, but the lack of good taste is what kept many businesses from giving employee's the day off. However, this is much better than his original catchphrase of "...commemorating the presidents who chopped down the cherry tree and freeing the people hanging from them." Yes, Nixon was a bigot. And kind of a prick. This is how he got the nickname "Pricky Dick"

Dickishness aside, here are some simple ways to celebrate Presidents' Day right.

Participate in local celebration - Presidents' day doesn't count until you have visited your local furniture store and bought something that you do not have to pay till Labor day. I mean, that's like, what? Six months away? That is ridiculous, and the kind of thing that our great nation was built on. You owe it to George Washington to buy some of this sweet-ass furniture before it all goes goes goes.

Note: The fact that you do not have to pay till Labor day is not actually a Labor day celebration, as the first Monday of September is also "Futon Remorse day."

Know the history - Ever know two people who are friends, and their birthdays are really close together, so they just throw one big party for both of them? Don't you hate that? It's like "Really? I have to deal with both of your friends of friends who annoy the crap out of me at the same time? And I need two gifts by that day?" Well, that's what Lincoln and Washington did. By knowing this, you know that any gifts you buy this day should be bought begrudgingly and only out of obligation. Also, you will run into people who you only know through other people, and it will be awkward for everyone involved (not because of the combined birthday's, but because the third Monday of February is also "awkward acquaintances day.")

Blasting the Anthems - In honor of our forefathers, go out and buy at least five versions of the national anthem. More importantly, every Presidents' Day must be celebrated by buying the entire discography of The Presidents of the United States of America, listening to it in its entirety, and then destroying all albums in a bonfire so they can be purchased next year. This is the only time where a person can listen to The Presidents of the United States of America and need not feel shame.

Did you know... that Peaches come from a can? They were actually put there by a man, in a factory downtown?

Christmas Traditions Explained Further

Gift-Giving
We all know that there is one God that created us out of his magical God Clay™ and gave us life to show us his love and his obligation to create us. As humans, we are not creative, and could not come up with our own unique way to show love and obligation. Therefore, people give gifts to other people to show either their love, or their obligation.

Santa
Santa and all Santa spin-offs including magic sleds, hats, reindeer, and elves or other diminutive people are all the intellectual property of the Coca-Cola corporation. The man behind the invention of such an elaborate ad campaign, Woolfolk Walker, stated that Christmas was big enough for another God. This became blatant when Coke started selling "The New Coke," which featured God Clay™ extract as a prominent ingredient. This ended up failing as a commercial venture, due to it's poor taste and class-action lawsuits against Coke, as they were responsible for many people turning into trees.

Television Specials
Media analysts in the 1960s, assuming that free-will and the prophetic rise to power of the poncho would have wiped out most of our television networks by the 198os, suggested that stations recorded several cheap seasonal specials to lurer audiences back in with cozy and easy viewing. Luckily, these specials have become a staple in our cultural fabric, and the poncho has been subdued... for now...?

When 1983 rolled around, television was far from wiped out. With that being said, the poncho threat was still very real and compromises between NBC and the poncho separatists were made. The character Ponch on CHiPs was that compromise.

Mistletoe
This does not have any religious or corporate roots. the origin of mistletoe can be traced back to the year 1953, at the house at 164 Clydesdale Road in Salvna, Ohio, where a very lonely man was trying to work his magic with a semi-attractive Jehovah's Witness. While this is the source of the "kiss" tradition we know of today, what was omitted after that encounter was the infamous "reach-a-round clause."

Christmas Traditions Explained

The Christmas Tree
As we’re all aware, people are made of clay that God has generously chosen to breathe life into. But what happens if God, mad with love, breathes life into a person who has already made the transformation from clay? Does that person revert back to his/her clay-state? No. That person turns into a tree. We put Christmas trees in our living rooms to honor our fellow man who have been condemned to live life as a tree because God was simply too generous with the gift of life.

Decorating The Christmas Tree
By using flamboyant garland and gaudy ornaments to decorate trees, we only not honor our fellow man, but our fellow gay man.

Eggnog
Aron Eisenberg, a television actor, created eggnog one lonely night when he became infuriated that there wasn’t a commercial drink that contained both eggs and nutmeg. The name came from Eisenberg’s character Nog on the television series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The significance of the tradition stems simply from the fact that both Eisenberg and his TV personality Nog possess an incalculable amount of Christmas spirit.

Did you know... That Nog can say Merry Christmas in 95 different languages

Caroling
The act of going door to door singing songs isn’t so much a Christmas tradition as it is a continuation of Halloween. Children would use their shrill, piercing harpy-voices to punish the households they felt shortchanged them on candy that year. If it was any other time of the year, vandalism would be the better option; however moral trespasses during December is an action God punishes with a breathe of life. The children, fearful of a boring fate as a tree, disguised their hatred in the form of song.