What if I am chosen by aliens to represent/justify Humanity

First Impressions

Just like how different cultures have different hand-shakes and how white and black people drive differently, aliens have their own way of life and might find some of your gestures weird and confusing. Try to not look directly at them, and remain distant unless they approach you. If a film conversation comes up, most alien races love Godfather Part 3. While it goes against everything we stand for as humans, sometimes bridge building takes a few lies. That's a phrase, right?

Presenting Your Evidence
This is tricky, because a misspeaking here will throw the entirety of humanity under the bus, which recent research shows means the end of us. Since we don't want to stop existing, you must use your knowledge of our collective contributions to justify our culture and not get us all vaporized. Here are a brief list of inventions you can use in order to plead our case.

• Hydrogen bombs
• Domestication of potbelly pigs
• 48 Hours
  
• Easy-Bake ovens
• Spaghetti Strainer
• Love
• Pocket Fisherman
• GLH #7
• Another 48 Hours
• A child's laughter
• The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson

After being explained there is a secret garden inside of all of us, there is no way they can vaporize such a philosophically progressive world like our own.

Alternatives
When being an ambassador, you have to accept that you might need to take one for the greater good. And since the greater good is us, we would really really perfer you took one. Not that we hate you, but we hate the complete obliteration of our lives more. If things start looking south, tell them you can be a servant for them and bend at their will. While this might sound like a wacky sitcom from the 80s, it should not be taken lightly. Sure, you might just have to drive them around or make them lemonade, but you could also turn into the mute servant from The Most Dangerous Game. While being a huge Russian should be fun, there is nothing fun about falling victim to a Uganda trap. Bear this in mind

Related entries
How do I become Russian?
D.I.Y. Time: How do I make my own Uganda Trap
Etiquette Excellence: Space Travel

Etiquette Excellence: Fancy Dinner Party

Welcome to the first edition of Etiquette Excellence, where we will cover a classic example where a lacking knowledge of etiquette is most detrimental: The fancy dinner party. At one point in your life, you will be invited to a fancy dinner party, and that day could be the first day of the rest of your life, if you act accordingly. Are you going to impress the host and get that promotion/become president of the gun club/be hunted on a remote island? Not if you don't follow these helpful hints!

• Where are you sitting in relation to the host? On the standard fancy dinner table that seats one on each end and four on each side, your seat in relation to the host says a lot about who you are.

Closest - Roaming Tiger - You are ready to take on this host in a bare knuckle brawl outside of his house.
2nd Closest - Steady Turtle - You fear the change that your leadership will bring
3rd Closest - Chocolate Grasshopper - You prefer The College Years to the original Saved by the Bell
4th Closest - Sinking Whale - You're really good at Missile Command.

Did you know... that the woman with dark hair liked the original Saved by the Bell, but thought the plotlines and actors flourished when the gang graduated high school and was brought to a prime time slot?

The host will undoubtedly use this knowledge to test you. If the seats were determined by name tag, he already knows much about you.

• When you need to remove an item from your mouth, do it as if you are regurgitating to a flock of baby birds: carefully, fluidly, and with more coughing sounds. If the host has a pet bird, regurgitate into their birdcage. If they do not have a pet bird, but other pets, regurgitate your food onto them.
  
• Eat salads with the salad fork

Fun fact! The rich spend their money to help the community and to purchase retarded eating utensils?

• The napkin should be placed in accordance to HRL guidelines for table etiquette. The details are too vast to describe here. Just imagine you are folding a flag, but you are dyslexic and have drills for arms.