How do I turn a public access channel into a drinking game?

Once thought to be watched only by extremely lonely middle-aged women, public access channels contain the potential for unsurpassed amounts of alcohol-based entertainment.

But before you learn the rules of the public access drinking game and throw your own public access party, you might want to know why you should choose public access over so many other more popular drinking games.

1. Easy set-up. Across the nation, almost any television can be tuned to a public access channel and find ground-breaking coverage on events that happened as early as one week ago. In short, if you have a TV, you have public access.

2. Not socially compromising. While seemingly more fun drinking games involve risqué social interaction as well as encouraging you to come out of your comfort zone, the public access drinking game requires you to do nothing more than admire your local neighborhood. Don’t forget, admiration is a dish best served silent.

3. Takes something good and makes it better. With enough booze, this:

begins to look like this:


With that in mind, the rules are as follows:

• When the name of your local city is said, take a drink.

• When there is live coverage of a local sports team, take a drink. You must drink twice if local sports team wins.

• If at any point the sound from the channel is too low or of too poor a quality to comprehend, take a drink.

• You must drink if there is a segment on women in the community. You must finish your drink if those women are fat.

• If a minivan appears on screen, you must drink.

• If anyone suggests changing the channel, they must finish their drink.

• You must drink if either a Rec Center or public pool are mentioned. You must drink twice if those locations are one in the same.

• When footage is reused, you must take a shot.

• If a slideshow is used to promote local businesses, you must drink. You must finish your drink if any slide contains no real photos, but only clipart.

How do I retell the story of someone falling down?

Invented by Jerry Lewis in the 1500s and given to the world in the late 1800s, the pratfall has been embraced the world over. However, a fall does not need to be planned to be hilarious. The kid skateboarding down the sidewalk doesn't mean to fall on his face, nor does the down syndromed child mean to ignore the fact that the curb is ending, but these people have found a sure-fire way to get a chuckle out of whoever is spectating. Especially in the case of the latter.

That's all well in good for the people watching, but what about your friends and family? Yes, you were one of them, laughing as the skater racked himself on the handrail in front of the public library, but how do you take such a fantastical image and convey it to your loved ones in the most humorous way possible in order to prove that you had an eventful day that didn't just boil down to you going to the public library and spanking it to paperback romance novels in a quiet room?

Preview question: If one of these people hurtled down from the sky and ate pavement, what could you say about it that would make your friends laugh?

Step 1: The intro - This starts when you walk into a room and want to tell everyone about what you just witnessed. Sometimes, you'll forget all about the old lady that walked into an automatic door after you are already engaged in conversation. Do not let this stop you. Everyone is deserving of your brilliant story of an old lady walking into an automatic door. Interrupt the person talking with an excited gasp, and explain how you just must tell this story. They will be somewhat angry at first, but they'll thank you in due time after your award winning story.

Step 2: The set-up - Like in all novels, the first chapter is spent describing the surroundings in great detail. The only writer to not adhere to this cardinal rule of story telling is Charlotte Bronte, an ugly woman who was on the verge of ruining Victorian literature until her sisters killed her, as requested by the real Jane Eyre. In the retelling of your story, get into the nitty-gritty of your surroundings. How rusty was that handrail? Which era of architecture does the library exhibit most. Then you can start describing the people. In the case of the old lady and the door, how old was the old lady that fell? In the case of the down syndromed kid at the curb, how many chromosomes did the person have or not have? Did the skater have any rat qualities? These are all essential.

Step 3: The prestige - This is the reason why you are telling the story: the fall. Your story is nothing without it, and it's the hardest part of the whole thing. However, know that I would never throw you into the lake without a way to properly cut through the burlap sack that you were tied in. There is an easy phrase that, if used effectively, can revive a dead story into something that will be worshiped by your family for years to come.

"You had to be there."

Do you feel the intensity in your eyes after reading those words? Now imagine that, times a million, and in the ears of everyone you tell your story to. These words are fool proof, and are guaranteed to turn any story you have fleeting doubts about into a shining beacon of life, love, and hilarity.

For more on this immaculate phrase, come back soonish.

What if I dump someone but am now just realizing I want them back?

Sometimes people do the worst things to the ones they love, and no amount of delicate prose can help them cope with their mistake. However, where words die, the flowchart lives on:

What if I am trapped in a car trunk?

There is never a good reason for you to be locked in the trunk of a car. Even if you did it on your own accord, chances are alcohol was not only involved, but stood as exhibit A and B to support your claim that living your childhood dreams of being Spridle and Chim-Chim from Speed Racer can only bring good things. That's not important now. What's important now is that you are surrounded by darkness, you are mildly buzzed, and you begin to wonder, "How the hell did that boy and monkey pop the trunk so readily in the first place?"

However, this is not the only scenario you can find yourself in when you are locked in a trunk. You could be a snitch that just got kidnapped by the mob, or you could be a bag of groceries that wants out. Because we try to appeal to everyone, here is a step by step guide for each of these scenarios.

Scenario: Spridle and Chim-Chim

When you're drunk, it always seems like a good idea to hide in your brother's car when he goes racing. Rarely does this work out for you though. And even though you might be a little buzzed and there is no race going on, it's still very unsettling to find yourself locked in such a cramped space for an extended period of time. Sharing said cramped space with a monkey? Doubly so.

The first thing you will want to do is quickly survey the area by flailing your limbs. Once you located the trunk door, try kicking it out. If that fails, upset the monkey by continuing to flail your limbs and sucker punching him. His rage will undoubtedly cause much damage to the car, and he'll set you free. Keep in mind that monkeys are very strong. Though you will be set free, you might not have all arms and legs accounted for. This is a price you must be will to pay when dealing with a monkey rescue.

Scenario: Mob snitch

Mobsters are tricky business, for they foresee you trying to get out of this situation. As a precaution, most gangsters deal with snitches by wrapping them in carpets, cementing their shoes, or bottling their essence. Use the flailing mechanism as used in the previous scenario, even if you can only use your legs. If you are wrapped in a carpet, the odds are stacked against you. I suggest peeing. That way you have the satisfaction that these big shot gang leaders had to handle your pee. Essence bottling is also a tricky one to counter, but as long as you break the jar that they were holding your essence in, you're pretty much golden.

The great part about this scenario is that they usually open the trunk for you.

Scenario: Groceries

Finally, enough is enough. You are going to break the chains of oppression and become the grocery bag all the other items will name "hero." Now is the time for action. Quickly stack the contents of yourself so they push against the top of the trunk. Now, with a slender grocery, like celery or a Slim Jim, try to wedge it between the trunk door and the car when the driver hits a bump. Once you are in, push up on the trunk door with your stack. If that does not work, most cars have a switch that allows you to push the back seat down in order to make room. After to push through to the cab of the car, violently mutilate all passengers in the car with the frozen lima beans found in your bag in the name of freedom. From there, it should be easy as kittens.

Wildlife Guide to the Great Lakes

The Great Lakes of the Midwest are not only the largest fresh water ecosystem in the world, but also a breathtaking sight to behold. There is no wonder why so many wildlife enthusiasts flock to the Midwest to witness the Lakes first hand. However, much like a stripper that is also a Venus flytrap, this beauty can also be potentially dangerous.

Many an optimistic adventurer has embarked to have their lives enlightened by the simple joy of nature only to lose their wits at a scene not unlike the following:

After a sight like the above, you’re spelling Lake Huron M-U-R-D-E-R.

But fear not! I have taken the liberty of cataloging wildlife indigenous to the Great Lakes region with special regard to what threat they pose to you, the wildlife enthusiast.

Monkey Eating Eagle
Arguably one of nature’s most stubborn animals, the Monkey Eating Eagle’s prey of choice is primates of varying shapes and sizes but more often than not it has to settle for squirrels. Researchers continue to be baffled as to why this bird continues to inhabit a monkey free ecosystem. Once a year, masses of these birds migrate from city zoo to city zoo devouring monkeys and especially hairy babies.
Threat Level: Low

Cobra Spitting Cobra A long distant cousin of the African venom spitting cobra, the cobra spitting cobra is armed with the ability to spit out more cobras when endangered, in addition to its already venomous bite. The freshly spat cobras will then attack the foe, do nothing, or spit more cobras. Once in a while a female will spit up a male cobra and mate with it and lay a clutch of super retarded inbred eggs. Threat Level: High


Peddler Octopus

The peddler octopus will try to trade you something you truly desire for something you truly need. Only the pure of heart will realize these objects are one in the same.

Threat Level: Low



Feral Pat Boone

Pat Boone is the Native American harbinger of death and destruction. If you come across one, get back to civilization as soon as possible. Running away doesn’t help because although the average human is faster, Pat Boone can track your scent indefinitely.

Threat Level: Extremely High



Prehistoric Beaver
The animal that inspired a porn ring focused on the elderly is actually not laughing matter. Its giant teeth can tear bone and flesh asunder, but fortunately it only attacks trees. Unfortunately, prehistoric beavers have allied themselves with bog witches that will cast a hex on a passerby that will turn a human into a redwood.

Threat Level: Medium