How do I look cool whilst riding a moped?

You are in a transportation conundrum. While yes, you could walk to your destination, or take a bus, or even take one of the many luxurious cars you own, nothing compares to the excitement of riding your personal motor scooter. Not only are these scooters cost-conscience in this crazy world of high gas prices, they are like fun little motorcycles which you can comfortably drive on roads and sidewalks. There is nothing stopping you from driving one... until you actually see one.

And even that is manageable... until you see someone riding one.

Between the man, the scooter, the lightpost, and trees: which one of these is afraid of growing up?

It's the pinnacle of personal transportation, but yet no manufacturer has found a way to make the moped look drivable whilst keeping your dignity. I have scrounged up some strategies in order to salvage your shriveled manhood.

Scarves
While you might think that scarves would only further the stereotype that you have been dealt a shit hand in life, scarves actually make you come off as the adventurous type. This is something that young women will take note of while you lock your scooter up on the bike racks alongside other people who also think your scooter looks cool. Chances are, these people are mostly 12 year-olds. Even though the opinions of 12 year-olds shouldn't matter to you, eventually the 12-year olds will grow up to be 18 year-olds who can buy cigarettes. Think about it.

Blast music
As Aerosmith once told me during one of our many coke parties last week, music is a weapon, and there is no reason you shouldn't use it against your naysayers while you are crusin'. Use your scooter's speakers, or, better yet, attach a boom box to your scooter using the latest in bungee cords and soldering technology. Then, blast music that no one can misconstrue as lame. Make sure the bass is especially high at red lights, so when people look around to see what car the cool guy is driving, they only see your scooter. Minds will be blown.

Be smooth
While you are on the scooter, just pretend like you are having the most fun of your life. This may include drinking, and while I feel strange for encouraging such wreckless behavior, go for it. Become the life of your own party. The fact of the matter is that people get hit by cars all the time. If you were to ever hit someone on your scooter while partying, I imagine your vehicular manslaughter sentence would be shortened significantly, due to the judge and jury's awed silence.

Biker
By riding a scooter, you share an overlap with all the baddest bikers through the Venn diagram of two-wheeled motor transport. Use this to your advantage by going leather clad. Jackets, vests, chaps, you name it. All of them will set you apart from not looking like your typical scooter rider. If you complete your look, the desired results should look like this:

One stop shopping! You can just buy the entire outfit on the cheap from leather stores and costumes shops. Just ask for the costume of the leather enthusiast of Village People fame.

How do I find my credit score?

In this day and age, your credit score can make or break you. Unfortunately, a lot of consumers don’t know exactly how their credit scores are calculated. However, on the plus side, you can find your credit score by taking the sum of the following:

• 10 percent of your total expenditures on things your parents wouldn’t want to know your buying. This includes collectible crap off eBay, vibrating ring condoms, and things with Bill Murray’s face on them.

• Half of the weight of the ugliest person you ever dated. Make sure you’re talking pounds, here. I personally derive sexual pleasure from weighing women in kilos, but in the interest of an accurate credit score, stick to the English system.

• The amount of televisions, fridges, computers, and stereos in your home multiplied by the number of family members that talk to you. This section makes it difficult for orphans who are applying for loans. Banks look at this especially to keep them in check and stop them from going all willy-nilly and buying boathouses.

Do you know who owns this boat house? Neither do I, but you bet your ass they have parents.

• Three times the number of people that have suggested you watch Boondock Saints with them. Remember: if you’re at a social gathering when someone suggests watching the movie, make sure you count everyone that agrees with him or her.

By using this method, my credit score came out to 875, almost a perfect 900.

How do I win at carnival games?

Since the carnies first came here from deep within the Earth's core, carnival games have been a blessing and a plague on our fun. No matter what you do, your darts never pop the balloon, the milk cans never fall over, and thousands and thousands of orphaned stuffed animals go without a home, but are compensated with superpowers. Do not feel discouraged. Over 87% of the American population lose at carnival games on their first try, 93% on their second try, and usually settle for a consolation prizes on their third try to commemorate their failures. Since you are reading this to conquer this stereotype, you will not take 87% as an answer. You are here to singlehandedly take down that statistic by a .01 percentile. And for that, America thanks you. Here is all you need to know on how to conquer the most basic of carnival games.

Fun fact! The carnie uses its long fingers to burrow and can only see movement!

Ring toss - This one is tricky, for there are a lot of variables to account for. How big is the ring? How big is the object you have to toss it on? What is the ring made out of? Can the ring's bigness and material hurt your chances of how it hangs on the object you have tossed it at? The trick to throwing the ring comes down to luck. If you are having a lucky day, then you will no doubt succeed in this ring toss game. If you are not feeling lucky, then you have a significantly lesser chance of winning a stuffed animal made to somewhat resemble something.

Milk cans - The game borrows liberally from two of America's greatest past-times: baseball and anti-dairy propaganda. You have to throw a baseball at a stack of milk cans in effort to leave nothing standing. This might seem simple, until you realize that you cannot throw with your regular arm, and instead must throw with a crude cybernetic arm a carnie working the booth has made. What makes or breaks your performance is your pain threshold, as he amputates your arm in order to make way for his robot arm that offers a balanced playing field for all people involved. It helps to be ambidextrous, as he often picks the arm with your non-dominate hand. Once you are officially a cyborg, and you have remained calm and collected through the Civil War style amputation, hitting the bottles should come easy.

Shatter up - Another one that fuses baseball with another thing I don't give to damn about, shatter up suffers from a very unpleasant name. Besides that, this is a basic game of calculated swings. Pick a car, take a bat, and smash away at the windows. Like a pinata, your prizes are dependent on what you can find. Carnies know that the best looking cars are usually the hardest to break into, but are filled with the most prizes. Use this logic against them by breaking into poorer cars to salvage materials that make it easier to break into the richer cars. This carnival game can usually be found in my apartment's parking lot.

True Story! I wake up to this every other week!

Seashells - This is your basic game of seashells. Simply spin the tokens that the carnie gives you for at least 3 seconds, pick up the appropriate seashell, and write down and solve the math equation it gives you. Since carnies have gotten smart about the growing population of people with calculator watches, you have to do all of these procedures in 10 seconds. What helps here is the fact that all enchanted seashells will give you the answer to their math problem with you whisper the name of the wizard turned them into a seashell in the first place. However, whispering this name will cause them to change back into a human within the next few minutes, so I advise high-tailing it out of their before the carnie catches on that you broke the curse and actually did not know the simplicities of long division.

How do I turn a public access channel into a drinking game?

Once thought to be watched only by extremely lonely middle-aged women, public access channels contain the potential for unsurpassed amounts of alcohol-based entertainment.

But before you learn the rules of the public access drinking game and throw your own public access party, you might want to know why you should choose public access over so many other more popular drinking games.

1. Easy set-up. Across the nation, almost any television can be tuned to a public access channel and find ground-breaking coverage on events that happened as early as one week ago. In short, if you have a TV, you have public access.

2. Not socially compromising. While seemingly more fun drinking games involve risqué social interaction as well as encouraging you to come out of your comfort zone, the public access drinking game requires you to do nothing more than admire your local neighborhood. Don’t forget, admiration is a dish best served silent.

3. Takes something good and makes it better. With enough booze, this:

begins to look like this:


With that in mind, the rules are as follows:

• When the name of your local city is said, take a drink.

• When there is live coverage of a local sports team, take a drink. You must drink twice if local sports team wins.

• If at any point the sound from the channel is too low or of too poor a quality to comprehend, take a drink.

• You must drink if there is a segment on women in the community. You must finish your drink if those women are fat.

• If a minivan appears on screen, you must drink.

• If anyone suggests changing the channel, they must finish their drink.

• You must drink if either a Rec Center or public pool are mentioned. You must drink twice if those locations are one in the same.

• When footage is reused, you must take a shot.

• If a slideshow is used to promote local businesses, you must drink. You must finish your drink if any slide contains no real photos, but only clipart.

How do I retell the story of someone falling down?

Invented by Jerry Lewis in the 1500s and given to the world in the late 1800s, the pratfall has been embraced the world over. However, a fall does not need to be planned to be hilarious. The kid skateboarding down the sidewalk doesn't mean to fall on his face, nor does the down syndromed child mean to ignore the fact that the curb is ending, but these people have found a sure-fire way to get a chuckle out of whoever is spectating. Especially in the case of the latter.

That's all well in good for the people watching, but what about your friends and family? Yes, you were one of them, laughing as the skater racked himself on the handrail in front of the public library, but how do you take such a fantastical image and convey it to your loved ones in the most humorous way possible in order to prove that you had an eventful day that didn't just boil down to you going to the public library and spanking it to paperback romance novels in a quiet room?

Preview question: If one of these people hurtled down from the sky and ate pavement, what could you say about it that would make your friends laugh?

Step 1: The intro - This starts when you walk into a room and want to tell everyone about what you just witnessed. Sometimes, you'll forget all about the old lady that walked into an automatic door after you are already engaged in conversation. Do not let this stop you. Everyone is deserving of your brilliant story of an old lady walking into an automatic door. Interrupt the person talking with an excited gasp, and explain how you just must tell this story. They will be somewhat angry at first, but they'll thank you in due time after your award winning story.

Step 2: The set-up - Like in all novels, the first chapter is spent describing the surroundings in great detail. The only writer to not adhere to this cardinal rule of story telling is Charlotte Bronte, an ugly woman who was on the verge of ruining Victorian literature until her sisters killed her, as requested by the real Jane Eyre. In the retelling of your story, get into the nitty-gritty of your surroundings. How rusty was that handrail? Which era of architecture does the library exhibit most. Then you can start describing the people. In the case of the old lady and the door, how old was the old lady that fell? In the case of the down syndromed kid at the curb, how many chromosomes did the person have or not have? Did the skater have any rat qualities? These are all essential.

Step 3: The prestige - This is the reason why you are telling the story: the fall. Your story is nothing without it, and it's the hardest part of the whole thing. However, know that I would never throw you into the lake without a way to properly cut through the burlap sack that you were tied in. There is an easy phrase that, if used effectively, can revive a dead story into something that will be worshiped by your family for years to come.

"You had to be there."

Do you feel the intensity in your eyes after reading those words? Now imagine that, times a million, and in the ears of everyone you tell your story to. These words are fool proof, and are guaranteed to turn any story you have fleeting doubts about into a shining beacon of life, love, and hilarity.

For more on this immaculate phrase, come back soonish.

How do I name my hardwood store?

A hardwood storeowner is a profession so profound, that its nobility is surpassed only by that of the alchemist. Granted, the ability to transmute any common metal into precious gold is infinitely more useful than calling the shots at a hardwood store, but owning a private business, and a hardwood store at that, is an infinitely more red-blooded American profession.

It is only natural that you are concerned about the name of your soon-to-be hardwood empire, especially when you consider that businesses live and die by their names in the fast paced world of today.

Luckily, I have found a trend in the success. Frank, a local hardwood storeowner, and good personal friend of mine, has gone through three names for his establishment.

How this has affected his business, is displayed in the following graph. Each point on the graph represents a name change for Frank’s store.


Point A was when Frank first opened his store under the title of Frank’s Home Center. Business was subpar at best.

At point B, Frank renamed his establishment to Frank’s Big Wood Store. With a slightly more sexual name, Frank saw a definite boost in sales.

Point C was really when Frank had hit gold. After the final name change to Frank’s Big Dick Store Also There Are Balls Because The Balls Are Located Near The Wang And Its Sort Of A Package Deal, Frank’s business was simply booming.

Point D was a shark I drew. I was watching shark week at the time.

As you may have already figured out, there is a direct correlation between sexual hardwood store names and profits.

Where is this science behind this you ask? Please refer to the following equation.

Names that sound like boners > Names without boners.

A seemingly simple equation, however the greater than sign can be tricky. Just think of the sign as an alligator trying to eat the bigger value. After mastering this, the hardwood world is yours.

How do I tell if my son is gay?

Thanks to Hollywood, gay is spreading like a plague. A certain movie, staged in the old west, is poisoning our children’s minds with its extremist liberal ideals. Leave it to “the biz” to take something as American as a western and inject it with homosexual undertones, overtones, and middle tones.

I am of course referring to Back to the Future Part III.

Since that fateful day in 1990, good, well-natured, God-fearing parents are living with a constant fear of their sons turning gay, or as they refer to it on the street, gay.

So how can you, concerned parents, know once and for all and put your minds at ease? Luckily, gays are creatures of habit, which makes it easier for us as we try to catch them off guard in their daily rituals. Through thorough field research (in a totally straight way) I have discovered 3 noticeable signs that will tip you off as to the status of your son’s sexual orientation.

1. Shedded skin. Every 28 days, a gay will shed his entire epidermis. The scientific reasoning behind this? As you’re well aware, gays on average are better looking than straight men, no doubt be it a result of their top notch clothing and fashion choices. However, in order to effectively battle metrosexuals in terms of man prettiness, gays have evolved this skin shedding technique to make their complexions always look flawless and stunning. Parents, if you find your son peeling, or better yet, a giant husk of dried skin in his room, this is a tell-tale sign that your son may very well be gay.

2. Giant group viewings of Titanic. In my studies I have found that the longer a gay male goes without viewing Titanic, he will become continually more sickly and lethargic. As a result, it is very common in the gay community to throw “Titanic Parties.” If your son comes home from soccer practice (a sport already big in the gay underground) with some friends, and they pop in the Titanic VHS, already beginning to show wear from use, that is a definite light red flag.

3. Turtleneck sweaters. ‘Nuff said.

I am constantly in the research process, so new findings may arise. I pride myself in the fact my friends call me the “Jane Goodall of gays,” a title I hope to take to the grave with me, so parents, stay posted for new findings! Until then, happy hunting!

How do I pull a memorable senior prank?

Ah, the senior prank. The last of three huge cornerstones in a young adult’s life. The first two of course being earning the fireworks show after entering a castle in Super Mario Bros. and watching a Christopher Guest movie.

But the time is upon you! Seventeen and eighteen year olds commit countless senior pranks, so what can you do to set yourself apart? Unfortunately, I cannot guide you directly, for a true memorable prank cannot be taught because it comes from the heart. I will however, recount my own senior prank in exquisite detail so you can take the necessary wisdom from it and apply it to your own escapades. The name of my epic prank? The Ol’ Switcheroo.

The Prelude

This prank required some planning beforehand, and in order to fully understand the genius behind it, I will be more than happy to include the planning procedure.

Mr. O’Malley was a Korean War vet who lived a few towns over and ran his own butcher shop. During the war, Mr. O’Malley took friendly fire to his lower back. Given the immediate medical attention he received, the wound was not life threatening, but it caused him to live with constant lower back pain. The young Private who wounded O’Malley was barely eighteen years old, and despite O’Malley being a young man himself, the incident caused him to develop a strong distaste for teenagers of any generation.

I had to befriend this man, for this plan required the use of his butcher’s shop. I made small talk with him every other day, and offered to do odd jobs around the shop without payment. Eventually, he stopped being standoffish and a nice relationship blossomed. Mission 1 of 2 accomplished.

The other crucial part of the plan was finding a teacher I didn’t like who had a son or daughter that attended school nearby. Fortunately for me, my biology teacher, Mr. Stansick had a daughter named Christina that attended the same school where her father taught.

The Prank in Action

Christina usually hung out in front of school with her friends till about 3:45 and got a ride with her dad. On the days her father was staying later after school, she would walk over to her aunt’s about 12 blocks away. I waited for one of the walking days.

Christina knew me from a few classes, and we exchanged pleasantries once in a while, which made the next step very easy.

As she was walking to her aunt’s house, I nervously bumped into her. I began to awkwardly stammer slowly working toward the fact I was trying to ask her out. My nonsocial babbling allowed my friends to get into position. Before she could turn me down, my friends leaped into action and threw a burlap sack over her head and began to haul her towards the trunk of my car. She started to scream, but my buddy Ron broke her nose and that shut her up right quick. In hindsight, I’m not even sure if he broke her nose, because it was hard to tell with the bag over her head, but he really started wailing on what we believed to be the head portion of the sack.

We then drove a few towns over to O’Malley’s butcher shop. I already gave him the 411 about the plan and he was extremely excited about the whole thing since he was in a position to change his store location, so he already put the store up for sale, and given the poor state of the market at the time, it wasn’t going to sell anytime soon. We dumped her in the back of the butcher shop, still in the bag, locked it up tight and got the hell out of there and never looked back.

Sometimes we look back and laugh about ol' Christina still trapped in O’Malley’s old butcher shop with only the cold, unforgiving embrace of meat hooks to keep her company.

In retrospect, calling it The Ol’ Switcheroo doesn’t make much sense, since we didn’t really replace her with anything, but we were young and careless.

How do I get a song out of my head?

Since music was birthed in 1982, humans have struggled with having songs seemingly trapped in their brain, finding little recourse but to throw themselves off cliffs or in front of cars in order to silence the infernal riffs of Tommy Tutone. It was not uncommon for someone to try to tough out a song for three or four weeks, only to succumb to "musical suicide" or what is better known as Pac-Man Fever Syndrome. The condition was immortalized in what is now known as one of the most emotionally charged songs of all time, "Only the Good Die Young (By Listening to Music and Getting It Stuck In Their Heads)" by Billy Joel.

Luckily now, we have science to save the day! After rigorous testing, Mr. Jones and myself have found several cures to this fever. Now, we shall single-handedly save the American pop music populous!

1. Puncture Eardrums - Yes, this might seem drastic, but drastic tunes call for drastic measures. Before you are infected by the P-M.F.S., deeply Q-tip your own and your family's ears. This is in effort to stop music suicide before it begins, by robbing yourself and loved one's own earthly right to hear. They'd thank you, if you could only read lips.
2. Tune it out - It is much less drastic, but it commands more from your abilities to tune out all music you hear. Never let a song take root in your mind. Rather, constantly drown it out by yelling your most crazy conspiracy theories or strings of swears while walking down city blocks. People might give you looks, but you'll undoubtedly see someone using the same technique. This means both of you are fans of our literature and you have much to talk about. MATCHMAKER!!
3. Constant rotation - This defense should only be used after you have gotten a song in your head. You are required to dive into the belly of the beast and listen to as much music as you possibly can, so your brain becomes a personal jukebox. Try jockeying tracks every week, so nothing becomes stagnant and causes brain rot. Be wary, storing too many songs in your brain will inhibit your everyday functions, causing you to become a vegetable. I suggest only two songs to switch between: Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior.
   

If you are already facing imminent death, my condolences go out to you and your family. However, you are still fully able to live a full life! Come back to read the internet pamphlet "So you are going to commit musical suicide..."There is no estimated date for its publication, and I'm in no rush, so hang in there, kitty.