How do I assure myself screentime on the Antiques Roadshow?

When dealing with the topsy-turvy, bizzaro world of the Antiques Roadshow, you have to keep in mind that this is a society that has values opposite of our own. Modern technology and the Millennial generation are thrown to the side to glorify old artifacts and the elderly. Not only do some find this lack of technological dependency troubling, but the very notion that they do not consider our children being the future removes any doubt that this is a culture removed from traditional American society. But you are dying to be shown with your Indian blanket, and you are willing to do anything possible in order to make it happen.

Anything...

Here are several ways you can sell yourself out into appraisal.

Have an interesting object
As is the main feature of the Antiques Roadshow, items that are assumed to be big ticket are brought to the most visually pleasing appraisers for airtime. Now, you can either take time, research items you have, see if their is a possibility that said item is worth boatloads of money, go to a taping of Roadshow, and hopefully get noticed, or you can fake it. Watch previous episodes and try to find notable items that you can make out of Styrofoam and paper mache. Make a book of presidential signatures by running over a diary from Target a few times. Create a cabinet from nailing wood panels to cardboard boxes. Just make sure it looks old and interesting, and you should be in the clear.

Also, once they realize what you have is fake, it is important to make it seem like you had no idea. Disappointment unfolding on television is infinitely better than success, as seen in every episode of Cheaters and the best episodes of Deal or No Deal.

Look Young
You might think that this runs counter to previous statements, but you are missing valuable information. You see, while the appraisers/crypt-keepers on the Roadshow might not accept young people as one of their own, they will try to drain lifeforce from them in order to extend the depressing and shallow time they have left. While everything might go fine during the shoot, it is customary to follow your appraiser into a backroom where, through gems implanted on the palm on their hand, he/she steals months off of your life. While this might seem tragic, it is a necessary evil when dealing with public television airtime.

Have Tits
What? It might be PBS, but it's still television. Show a little.

Related Guide Entries
D.I.Y. Time: How do I make my own antiques?
How do I end fund-rasing weeks on PBS?
Etiquette Excellence: Selling your body