First off, let me answer the question simply: Shine To Go is the best product ever by a very large extent. But let me explain why.
Recently Leon and I received a free congratulatory sample of Shine To Go brand shoe polish in honor of our work dispelling rumors that the Hubble Space telescope is haunted.
Things have been a little different since we got that sample, to say the least.
Here at the guide, we know the importance of a good shoeshine. Whether it means sealing the deal at a job interview or blinding a mugger with the sheer shine-a-tude of your footwear to buy yourself enough time to grab a rusting street sign and strike your oppressor in such a way that it leaves him with a disfiguring facial scar so every time the guy looks in the mirror he silently curses your name.
But Shine To Go brand shoe polish doesn’t just get you that high paying job or make you impervious to muggers. It also has uses that transcend the typical utility associated with shoe polish.
Thought shoe polish only shined shoes? Well think again! Check out this awesome alternative uses for Shine To Go brand shoe polish:
Put it in your cat’s litter box!
Although it won’t help remedy the smell of your pet’s waste, it will make your cat’s coat black and oily and they fucking hate that! Take that, cats!
Use it as a placebo drug!
Let’s say you got a friend that gets really wiry if he doesn’t take his medicine, but you know damn well it’s all in his head. To finally expose him for the headcase he really is, swap his bottle of pills for a bottle of Shine To Go brand shoe polish! With Shine To Go’s patented Tastes Like What Medicine Should Probably Taste Like” technology, he won’t know the difference!
Rub it on stuff that doesn’t smell like shoe polish but you really wish it did!
Sometimes you have shit that doesn’t smell like shoe polish and you’re hipster friends are having none of it and refuse to come to a house party you may be throwing. With Shine To Go, you’ll soon realize anything can smell like shoe polish!
Use it as a diaphragm!
Let’s say you spent your day using all your Shine To Go brand shoe polish to attract the opposite sex. Suddenly you find yourself confronting a gorgeous woman with a raging libido and you’re stuck without any kind of contraceptive. Safe sex is obviously important to you, because you’re a Shine To Go man, and Shine To Go men make responsible decisions. Fear not! Shine To Go brand shoe polish comes in a state of the art container that will bend to the shape of the interior of your lover’s delicates, proving once and for all that safe sex and the smell of shoe polish are not mutually exclusive!
Not convinced yet? Check out the following products facing fierce competition from Shine To Go brand shoe polish:
Roombas
Kleenex
Band-aids
Commemorative Sammy Sosa plaques
Pogs
Hoop and sticks
Black face makeup kits
Gatorade (but not G2)
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