Travel Guide: The Many Memorials of Washington D.C.

If you're planning a trip for your family, look no further than Washington D.C. Though it is now a haven for corruption and crime, all of that can looked over by sightseeing at the memorials and monuments that commemorate America's proudest citizens and greatest achievements. In typical Survival Guide to Everyday Life fashion, we will not only give you the most ideal locations, but also give you the histories and details that are often forgotten by the general public.

Arlington National Cemetery & Robert E. Lee Memorial - Quite possibly one of the most famous cemeteries to date, the land was originally the home of General Robert E. Lee. The house was built in 1817 by George Custis, the adopted son of George Washington and the first case of Standard Orphan Syndrome on American soil. The house serves as a testament to the powers an orphan can receive by being neglected, as the building features an impressive 20 stories, though all but 3 are underground, and all but 6 can only be seen in the fifth dimension.

The graveyard itself houses some of the most spectacular corpses in American history. It currently holds all the Unknown Soldiers, most Kennedys, prize fighter Joe Louis, and Buddy the dog of Air Bud fame. It is because of this that I do not recommend bringing your kids here. Then again, why would you bring your kids to a cemetery on a vacation, you sick fuck?

Thomas Jefferson Memorial - The Thomas Jefferson Memorial has new teeth constantly being formed in rows in his jaw. Thomas Jefferson's teeth are normally replaced every eight days. I am currently trying to find research to support this claim, but I think this was just the result of common delusion due to late nights during Shark Week.

Korean War Veterans Memorial - For years, the Korean War Veterans Memorial has been the second choice after tourists realize how packed the Vietnam Veteran Memorial is. These people didn't die unjustly, nor for a lie. It was pretty much the cleanest war we have fought post-WWII. It is because of this that the war is frequently forgotten in the annals of history. And honestly, there isn't much to look at. Chances are that your kids will just try climbing the statues of the brave men and women who gave their lives in Korea for some reason, and you don't want to considered as THAT family, do you?

Washington Monument - Most commonly revered as the most accurate sculpture of George Washington to date.

Lincoln Memorial - The main attraction to many Washington D.C. trips, the Lincoln Memorial consists of Greek temple, housing a 19 foot tall statue of Lincoln sitting in his power throne. When standing, this Lincoln is at a mighty 25 feet and most likely thirsting the blood of the South. In case Lincoln is awoken from his slumber, chains have been fastened around him to prevent wanton destruction. The best way to kill Lincoln is to go through the wall behind him and kill the head of Robert E. Lee, which is still living, breathing, and residing on a pike. You will need the NoClip cheat for this.

The 36 columns on the memorial are symbolic of the 36 bullet wounds that Lincoln suffered on that fateful night at Ford Theater.

How do I name my hardwood store?

A hardwood storeowner is a profession so profound, that its nobility is surpassed only by that of the alchemist. Granted, the ability to transmute any common metal into precious gold is infinitely more useful than calling the shots at a hardwood store, but owning a private business, and a hardwood store at that, is an infinitely more red-blooded American profession.

It is only natural that you are concerned about the name of your soon-to-be hardwood empire, especially when you consider that businesses live and die by their names in the fast paced world of today.

Luckily, I have found a trend in the success. Frank, a local hardwood storeowner, and good personal friend of mine, has gone through three names for his establishment.

How this has affected his business, is displayed in the following graph. Each point on the graph represents a name change for Frank’s store.


Point A was when Frank first opened his store under the title of Frank’s Home Center. Business was subpar at best.

At point B, Frank renamed his establishment to Frank’s Big Wood Store. With a slightly more sexual name, Frank saw a definite boost in sales.

Point C was really when Frank had hit gold. After the final name change to Frank’s Big Dick Store Also There Are Balls Because The Balls Are Located Near The Wang And Its Sort Of A Package Deal, Frank’s business was simply booming.

Point D was a shark I drew. I was watching shark week at the time.

As you may have already figured out, there is a direct correlation between sexual hardwood store names and profits.

Where is this science behind this you ask? Please refer to the following equation.

Names that sound like boners > Names without boners.

A seemingly simple equation, however the greater than sign can be tricky. Just think of the sign as an alligator trying to eat the bigger value. After mastering this, the hardwood world is yours.