How do I become a good stand up comedian?

So, you've spent the better part of your Friday night at a comedy club and you're having a pretty good time, but you can't help but notice that a lot of the comedians are recycling the same cliched bits over and over again. You, however, set aside this observation and give the next comedian the benefit of the doubt. After all, this next comedian is a prop comic so the situation is thick with potential. Not to mention you are lucky enough to catch a quick glimpse of him unpacking a silly hat, further sweetening the deal.

He steps up behind the mic and immediately you are disappointed. Ten seconds into his gig he's using the very same “Five guys jerking off on a Shetland pony” joke you have heard from your grandfather countless times before. He then immediately follows it up by talking about how he wants to shit in the Pope's hat, the very same thing your mother would yell to a room full of people, wine glass in hand, at any and all family gatherings.

So you start to think maybe you can do stand up. I mean come on, you're more original than these guys! But how can you ensure you stay off the dusty, well-traveled road of comedy cliches?

Look no further aspiring comedian, for I have compiled some basic comedy walk-throughs for a budding comedian such as yourself.

• Before you start your gig, make sure you yell the name of the city you are in. People love clapping and wooping for a city name, it's a simple behavior that was coded into our DNA as cavemen during the Renaissance. Make sure you say the right city you're currently in, because failure to get the city name correct will make people think you're mentally challenged. With that being said however, coming across as mentally challenged might help increase draw to your act, the same way people go out of their way to watch the Special Olympics.

• Swear a lot. People love laughing at swear words. Making up new swears is guaranteed to be met with boisterous laughter. Try combining two swears to make one awesome swear, like “shitbitch.”

• Get the audience involved. Being able to work the room is an invaluable skill. For example, if some guy is wearing a hat, say “Nice hat, fucker.”

• Inside jokes are a must! There is a reason you and your good drinking buddy Tim break out into hysterics every time you say “Get down!” in thick Scottish accents. It's funny! Do not hesitate to go into excruciating detail to key the audience in on why it's so funny. If this, for whatever reason, does not get laughs, just say “You had to be there.” and call the guy wearing a hat a fucker again.

• Have fresh, new content. If you only do one thing right, make sure it's this. In case you're having trouble thinking of new bits, I have taken the liberty of listing some ideas of jokes that should get you on your feet. Word of warning however: these jokes are very much ahead of their time, and extensive use of them may cause you to single-handedly usher in a new age of comedy.

1. The differences between women and men

2. The differences between white and black people

3. The differences between America and everywhere else

4. The differences between Republicans and Democrats

5. The differences between rich people and poor people

6. The differences between gay people and straight people

7. The differences between being single and being married

8. The differences between current president and past presidents

9. The differences between you and your crazy family.

10. The way the old man feeding the ducks at the park always stabs you when you ask him what time it is.

Consider the past information a Comedian starter-kit, there's a lot more you have yet to learn. May I remind you, we haven't even touched on drug references!