How do I tell if my son is gay?

Thanks to Hollywood, gay is spreading like a plague. A certain movie, staged in the old west, is poisoning our children’s minds with its extremist liberal ideals. Leave it to “the biz” to take something as American as a western and inject it with homosexual undertones, overtones, and middle tones.

I am of course referring to Back to the Future Part III.

Since that fateful day in 1990, good, well-natured, God-fearing parents are living with a constant fear of their sons turning gay, or as they refer to it on the street, gay.

So how can you, concerned parents, know once and for all and put your minds at ease? Luckily, gays are creatures of habit, which makes it easier for us as we try to catch them off guard in their daily rituals. Through thorough field research (in a totally straight way) I have discovered 3 noticeable signs that will tip you off as to the status of your son’s sexual orientation.

1. Shedded skin. Every 28 days, a gay will shed his entire epidermis. The scientific reasoning behind this? As you’re well aware, gays on average are better looking than straight men, no doubt be it a result of their top notch clothing and fashion choices. However, in order to effectively battle metrosexuals in terms of man prettiness, gays have evolved this skin shedding technique to make their complexions always look flawless and stunning. Parents, if you find your son peeling, or better yet, a giant husk of dried skin in his room, this is a tell-tale sign that your son may very well be gay.

2. Giant group viewings of Titanic. In my studies I have found that the longer a gay male goes without viewing Titanic, he will become continually more sickly and lethargic. As a result, it is very common in the gay community to throw “Titanic Parties.” If your son comes home from soccer practice (a sport already big in the gay underground) with some friends, and they pop in the Titanic VHS, already beginning to show wear from use, that is a definite light red flag.

3. Turtleneck sweaters. ‘Nuff said.

I am constantly in the research process, so new findings may arise. I pride myself in the fact my friends call me the “Jane Goodall of gays,” a title I hope to take to the grave with me, so parents, stay posted for new findings! Until then, happy hunting!