How do I better connect with my father?

As many are well aware, I was raised by strippers and, as such, I had no prominent father figure in my life. So I can’t help but find myself at an impasse when asked to provide quality advice for connecting with fathers.

However, I do have a computer and an Internet connection. There are countless online services that allow me to trace my family’s history as far back as I deem necessary. Although my father remained as elusive as ever, one service in particular helped me track down a journal written by my grandfather.

At first glance, a journal of my grandfather’s (whom I have never met) seems to offer little in the way establishing some universal method of connecting with one’s dad, but, lo and behold, the journal contains information about my father! Unfortunately, the journal is in bad shape and much of it unreadable. Even still though, this surely will allow me to finally put an end to this mystery.

Let's read on:

February 4th, 1954
My son has taken his first steps today! What a glorious occasion! Although his steps were shaky and without confidence (after all, children are many things but especially stupid), I see it only as a manner of time before his ability to walk solidifies and I will be able to affix a harness to my beautiful son and have him drag a cart around the house. What will I place in the cart? I do not know! The possibilities of fatherhood are endless!

March 29th, 1954
My wife feels the cart idea is ill conceived. Although I respect her opinion and realize that it is my husbandly duties to appreciate her input, she, regrettably, does not see the goldmine we are sitting on. But no matter! I just pray she does not find the secret lever by the bookcase.

June 18th, 1960
My son told me he wants to be a professional baseball player. Whether or not he means in the near future or when he grows up was not said. His current stature, like most kids his age, is not one of a professional athlete.

September 15th 1962
A new family has moved in the across the street, a newly wed couple with their first child due any time now. The husband has shown much interest in my baby-cart-harness. I may be able to trust this one.

January 19th 1965
It is buried in the yard.

May 20th, 1971
My son has graduated today. A wave of accomplishment washed over me as he walked across that stage. With that being said, I noticed his gradation gown was not terribly unlike a dress. This worries me.

*****

Jesus. I can safely say I know no more about my father than I did ten years ago. In fact, this journal may have caused me to unlearn things. And I’m not talking about on the subject of my father, either. I don’t think I know how to ride a bike anymore.

I don't think you understand how terrible this feels. It's like getting blue-balled for your entire life. But instead of sex, it's knowing who the fuck your dad is.

Christ, I don’t fucking know. Try:

Golfing with your dad
I saw that TV once. Probably works.

Going on a walk with him
Kinda lame, but whatever.

Just don’t wear matching sweaters.
That shit is retarded.

Goddamn. I don't want to even care anymore.