How do I properly use the Facebooks?

The Facebooks (or merely "Facebook," as it is often called by people with wallet chains and/or swoop haircuts) has quickly become the most popular social networking site in the United States and not without good reason. Facebook sets itself apart from other networking sites like MySpace and Friendster by allowing users to make comments, list interests and upload pictures, all with the very first blue/white color scheme. While millions and millions have effectively added their face to this book, newcomers need to be caught up on how to effectively use these new tools. Here are some things to keep in mind so you can get the most out of your Facebookings.

Use the News Feed
The News Feed allows you to keep tabs on all your friends and their goings-on, and will prove to be the most important tool in your new life on Facebook. While being able to look at comments that friends write for each other and and reading someone's updated favorite quotes seems completely indispensable (and believe me, it is), the real meat is that it allows you to spot Relationship Status updates.

Ever think that Craig guy was wrong for Becky? Keep your eyes on the feed and wait for the Beckyhammer to fall. Those few hours after the information hits Facebook is a critical period for you to make your move. It may seem sleazy, but rest assured that little broken heart icon next to the status change is like a green flag from God telling you to go for the throat.

Mr. Jones edit: I cannot tell if you Leon's use of the phrase "go for the throat" is literal or not. On one hand, he may be trying to communicate a sense of aggressiveness when pursuing a potential lady, but, on the other hand, he has been spending a lot of time bonding with these two Doberman that guard the junkyard by our office. On several occasions he has chased me out of the office trying to bite me and my only means of escape has come from scaling a chain link fence.

Also, stay the fuck away from Becky.

Interest Breakdown
What if there was a way to know everything you needed to know about someone long before you even dream of waiting outside their house with a burlap sack and a tire iron? Now you can with Facebook's interests section! Their favorite music, movies, TV shows, and books are divided for easily digested reading. Take note of these and know what hip band to name drop during AIM conversations/dates/her feeding time. You might think this is dishonest, but after looking at hundreds of teen and preteen Facebook pages, this section is always the same.

Below these listings is a section called "About Me." This section is completely ignorable because everything you need to know is organized from the top down. Let me walk you through:

1. Contact Info - How else are you going to find out her address?
2. Music - This will immediately tell you how she dresses/how easy she is.
3. TV shows - Only go with people who like American Idol. That makes sure they are predictable.
4. Movies - Is she smart and appreciative of art? If so, you probably want to pass. I use the following rhyme when determining if a girl is smart by her favorite movies: Taxi Driver? Non-Survivor! One Missed Call? Fun for all (all = you)!
5. Books - This reaffirms the point made in 4. If they have anything listed, be hesitant.
6. Favorite quote - Make sure it's about being a slut.
7. About me - No matter what page you are on, this is what you will read:
"I'm your regular girl who likes to hang out with friends and make out with cute boys. Other things I like include ribbons, bows, glitter (both the pretty thing and the movie), freedom, kittens and CRAZY LOCKER MONSTER (lulz BBF Ashlee). If you are over 45, please stop messaging me."

Analyze Pictures
Don't go by the thumbnail. The thumbnail can turn the trashiest of hambeasts into lookers. For example, here is a picture of a girl I was wooing once on Facebook.

I was overjoyed when she invited me over to her house, because it usually takes me two weeks of flirty text messages to figure out her parent's work schedule. Things took quite a turn when I showed up at her door and saw her as she really was:


At first I thought "Aw fuck, it's Krang," but it turns out that she's just Krang's cousin. I wanted to run away in fear, but I couldn't help but be mesmerized by her way of life. I stayed around and made small talk. I asked her how Krang was, and he's doing pretty good for himself, actually. He's moved on to better things since Shredder. He's now selling old baseball cards online, currently standing as the most successful baseball card seller in the Midwest! We chatted more over coffee about our shared favorite movies and books. Her rapier wit shone through as we shared embarrassing awkward moments like we've known each other for years. I was there for hours until I finally had to get going to pick up Mr. Jones from the airport, but at least I won't make the same mistake of meeting up with some fatass-brainstomach-motherfuck like her again.

Those with the Facebooks?

Join the revolution. Become a fan. Be somebody.