What if I am arrested for commiting an obscure crime that I had no idea existed?

Since the creation of power, ill-conceived laws have been made to create hasty solutions to non-problems. It usually starts with a rambling complaint against people on main street loitering next to the statues by a local. From there, we see small town courts and law enforcement flourish, as it designates that anyone found touching the statues on main street shall be blindfolded and systematically gang raped by a jury of his peers (Jasper, Georgia.)

But what if you are just passing through, start to put your hair in a pony tail, and then are taken to the jail house do to their strict scrunchy laws (Kenmare, North Dakota)? Certainly there must be a clause concerning your ignorance to some of the many laws in America! It is unfortunate that these small towns are very unforgiving in court. Usually, they make up more absurd rules as the trial goes along, adding to the original charge of using Miracle Whip (Lacrosse, Wisconsin) with more charges like wearing black soled shoes on the sabbath (Englewood, Florida) and excessive use of linking verbs (Austin, Texas.)

Did you know... that the no scrunchy crime is the second most broken law in Kenmore.
And that the first is heart disease?

One way to avoid these laws is to ignore small town America. We have expressways for a reason. Small towns are usually unsightly, boring, and there is a chance that you cannot even keep bottles of your own urine in your car (Sapulpa, Oklahoma.) If we give small towns the cold shoulder, they will not give us any problems. Of course, their isolation and complete lack of outside influence will just give them the sort of cabin fever they need in order to make more stupid laws and wacky ceremonies. This leaves the next person whose car breaks down next to a small town in a world of confusion, and in some cases, the human sacrifice for a turtle that the locals consider their true ruler (New York, New York.)

By far, the best way to not fall victim to these laws is to be a database of every obscure law that has gone into effect. Ever. For you to get a head start on this, we have the most notable laws that you will need to know and the towns you dare not break them in.

In Alva, Kentucky, it is illegal to say any sentence that may be construed as a sexual innuendo! The punishment is serving 20 days of hard time. Hard, throbbing, time.

In Golden City, New Mexico, it is illegal to pay using the Sacagawea dollar! Breaking this law means that you will have to spend one night in a haunted house.

In Reno, Nevada, it is unlawful to kill a man just to watch him die! Punishment includes being tortured by the thought of people in fancy dining cars drinking coffee and and smoking big cigars.

In Des Moines, Iowa, it is illegal to marry people of the same sex!

In Chapman, Maine, it is unlawful to use a retro lunchbox as a purse! Repercussions for such high crimes include a $50 fine, dismantling of said box/purse, and death.

Did you know... the only natural enemy to the retro lunchbox purse is maturity?

In Brookside, Ohio, it is illegal to hum to a song stuck in your head. It is punishable by death as a way to quarantine and control such dangerous possibilities.

In Raleigh, North Carolina, it is illegal to talk about South Carolina. Not following this law is punishable by being forced to stay in Bizzaro Carolina (known by non-NCers as South Carolina.)

In Reindeer, Tennessee, it is legal for women to vote!

In Stevensville, Michigan, it is against the law to have aspirations and refuse to work at the coal mine your father works at! The punishment is getting your dream job, reaching heights never thought attainable, and a possible Disney movie based off of your likeliness.

How do I get a song out of my head?

Since music was birthed in 1982, humans have struggled with having songs seemingly trapped in their brain, finding little recourse but to throw themselves off cliffs or in front of cars in order to silence the infernal riffs of Tommy Tutone. It was not uncommon for someone to try to tough out a song for three or four weeks, only to succumb to "musical suicide" or what is better known as Pac-Man Fever Syndrome. The condition was immortalized in what is now known as one of the most emotionally charged songs of all time, "Only the Good Die Young (By Listening to Music and Getting It Stuck In Their Heads)" by Billy Joel.

Luckily now, we have science to save the day! After rigorous testing, Mr. Jones and myself have found several cures to this fever. Now, we shall single-handedly save the American pop music populous!

1. Puncture Eardrums - Yes, this might seem drastic, but drastic tunes call for drastic measures. Before you are infected by the P-M.F.S., deeply Q-tip your own and your family's ears. This is in effort to stop music suicide before it begins, by robbing yourself and loved one's own earthly right to hear. They'd thank you, if you could only read lips.
2. Tune it out - It is much less drastic, but it commands more from your abilities to tune out all music you hear. Never let a song take root in your mind. Rather, constantly drown it out by yelling your most crazy conspiracy theories or strings of swears while walking down city blocks. People might give you looks, but you'll undoubtedly see someone using the same technique. This means both of you are fans of our literature and you have much to talk about. MATCHMAKER!!
3. Constant rotation - This defense should only be used after you have gotten a song in your head. You are required to dive into the belly of the beast and listen to as much music as you possibly can, so your brain becomes a personal jukebox. Try jockeying tracks every week, so nothing becomes stagnant and causes brain rot. Be wary, storing too many songs in your brain will inhibit your everyday functions, causing you to become a vegetable. I suggest only two songs to switch between: Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior.
   

If you are already facing imminent death, my condolences go out to you and your family. However, you are still fully able to live a full life! Come back to read the internet pamphlet "So you are going to commit musical suicide..."There is no estimated date for its publication, and I'm in no rush, so hang in there, kitty.