Famous Killing Machines: Jules Sylvester

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle

Humble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!

The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY

Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.

In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"

May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.

His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.

The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.

This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.

2 Minute Biography: Niels Bohr

Niels Bohr grew up like all physicists do. After cracking out of his magma rock, the elders of the fire mountain submerged his hands in lava as a rite of passage. However, his hands came out of the lava still intact and unburned, meaning that he was sent here from a higher power. He said good bye to his family and floated down the fire mountain to the nearest town, a small Danish town, where he would assimilate into their way of life in hopes to eventually set it ablaze with the fury of the forsaken lavapeople.

As the God on Earth of the lavapeople, Bohr would receive superpowers based on the different elements he would pick up. Bronze would double his strength, iron would give him gills, and Bohrium would cause him to explode. He used these powers in order to gain the favor of the townpeople, as he would plow their farmland at alarming speeds for nothing more than a free meal and a place to lay his head. This was all a ruse however, as Neils Bohr could not process human food and never slept.

When it came time to demolish the village, he ingested a large quantity of uranium and poision-blasted the crap out of the small town. He only did this because it was his destiny, even though he has grown close to the community's charms and personalities. He was not the same person after this massacre, and chose to go by the name Proton for now on. The U.S. government got word of this superbeing, and wagered him to help invent powerful weapons for WWII. He agreed to, but only if they could bomb the lavapeople that have set him on this awful path.

Great Graphs! Here is an examination of the Bohr killcumference. Note that the first girl he ever loved was a villager named Electron.

Not having anyone to answer to but the US Government, Bohr, or Proton, became withdrawn and no longer saw fun in things that use to entertain him. Even the simple joys of getting high off of neon now were only there to help him get by in his shallow existance. When work on the Manhattan Project hit a standstill, he took full responsibility for America possibly losing the war. Ridden with pre-emptive shame, he jumped out of a plane and onto Hiroshima with a breifcase filled with Bohrium. His selflessness has become famous, and was paid tribute in the classic film "Dr. Strangelove: Or How I Learned to Stop Worrying and Love Niels Bohr."

How do I pass time at the airport?

Leon and I were originally going to take a trip to the Galapagos Islands for the purpose of traveling the same path Darwin did as he wrote The Origin of Species so we could prove that fucker wrong once and for all, but the plans fell through. Leon told me “his people” could hook us up with plane tickets free of charge, so I left the responsibility in his hands. Little did I know that Leon had been stealing medicinal marijuana from a mutual acquaintance of ours that has glaucoma and that “his people” consisted of virtual versions of Joyce Carol Oates and John Grisham that he created in The Sims. Since he had spent this last week baked out of his mind, he was convinced that not only that his Sims were real, but he could use their immense wealth (which was attained through cheat codes, something I do not approve of) to get our plane tickets.

I have every right to be angry, but I am honestly a little thankful that we can continue writing guides for the everyday without distraction.

After all, there will always be more chances to undo Darwin’s accomplishments. In fact, just last week we firebombed the home of his closest living relative. Granted, that doesn’t hurt the integrity of Darwin’s work, but I’ll be damned if it didn’t feel awesome.

Long story short, Leon and I spent two consecutive days at a terminal in the airport waiting for the not real version of Joyce Carol Oates to give us the hookup.

For everyone who has ever been faced with delays at the airport, here are some games we played that will help you pass the time:

John Grisham Charades
This game is played like regular charades, but the only difference is that you only act out the works of John Grisham. This game had potential to be fun, but quickly became frusturating because Leon was under the impression that John Grisham was responsible for The Call of Cthulu, The Diary of Anne Frank, The Canterbury Tales, Back To The Future Parts I & III, and The Cosby Show. Leon also thought John Grisham was the black cook in Pearl Harbor. I did not have the heart to tell him that Cuban Gooding Jr. and John Grisham are not the same person,

After playing this game for the better part of four hours, I came to the conclusion that Leon was under the influence of marijuana. Two things tipped me off: 1.) he reeked of weed and 2.) he was constantly holding a huge blunt.

Luggage Jenga
Not only is this game just fun, it’s a great ice breaker for talking to people in the terminal. You simply wait for someone to fall asleep or become otherwise distracted and you take their luggage and stack yours on top of it. You then make them pull their luggage out while everyone else chants “Jenga! Jenga! Jenga!” at increasingly louder volumes. The game ends when someone knocks over the luggage or if a security guard comes by and calls you a faggot. Rarely has the game ended in the former manner, and more often than not in the latter.

Collect The Urinal Cakes
I noticed that the bathrooms at the airport contained urinal cakes and I saw this as potential entertainment. This game is played over the course of an hour. The rules are simple:

1. At the end of the hour, you receive one point for each urinal cake you possess.
2. You do not receive points for things that are not urinal cakes.

Whoever has more points at the end of the hour must declare himself “The King of Urinal Cakes” in a loud, bellowing voice. That person than wins the game unless that hateful security guard calls you a faggot. In which case, the game ends with no winner.

D.I.Y. Time: How do I make crystal meth?

Due to the highly illegal information found on in this entry, DEA officials have re-edited the following post. Our strict publication cycle did not allow us the time to oversee the changes, but we are sure that the integrity of this guide entry still remains.

To come to make such a fine substance such as REDACTED, one only needs gather 20 boxes of REDACTED and a REDACTED filled with EDITED PHARMACEUTICAL ITEM. Put the REDACTED upside down in a COMPLETELY NON-EXISTENT TYPE OF BOTTLE and soak it in A TYPE OF WATER THAT IS ONLY AVAILABLE ON THE MOON, SO DON'T EVEN TRY AND MAKE CRYSTAL METH.

Once the REDACTED has soaked for 20-50 MILLION-BAJILLION YEARS, it is safe to take it out and SMASH NON-EXISTENT BOTTLE TO PIECES BEFORE IT RUINS YOUR LIFE. From there, use the LITTLE TIME WE HAVE ON THIS WORLD TO LOVE YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS. In my personal experience, I get the best NOT HIGH from PLAYING BOARD GAMES ON A DESIGNATED NIGHT OF THE WEEK, WHICH WE CALL "FAMILY FUN NIGHT." After you are done with LOVING YOUR FAMILY AND FRIENDS, WHICH YOU SHOULD NEVER BE DONE DOING EVER, go to your grocery store and DON'T pick out 19 packs of SUDAFED... SHIT, NO, NOT SUDAFED. I MEANT TO SAY... UMM... FLINTSTONE VITAMINS. WHY DO NONE OF OUR GOVERNMENT COMPUTERS HAVE BACKSPACE KEYS?

POUR the crystallized NOT METH into a vat of YOUR FAILURES, BECAUSE ONLY FAILURES AND UNCOOL PEOPLE MAKE METH. The best method for STAYING DRUG FREE is to BE A COOL PERSON AND SAY "NO! METH IS DEATH!"

Important note: Do not mix chemicals REDACTED and UNICORN'S BLOOD. I don't think I need to spell out what would happen if you mixed the chemicals REDACTED and UNICORN'S BLOOD.

Finally, DESTROY ANYTHING YOU HAVE MADE THAT MIGHT BE CONSTRUED AS A METHAMPHETAMINE and seal it up in a nice little sandwich VAULT, AND THEN TAKE SAID sandwich VAULT TO A SINKHOLE SO NO ONE WILL EVER GET THEIR UNCOOL HANDS ON IT.

And that's all you need to know to make about 5 TEARS, A UNIT OF MEASURE I JUST MADE UP TO RATE HOW DISAPPOINTED THE PEOPLE YOU KNOW WILL BE AFTER THEY FIND OUT YOU ARE MAKING REDACTED.

What’s the best way to fill out a FAFSA?

FAFSA (Fucking Application for Fucking Student Aid) is a necessary evil for a college student. Its purpose is noble enough: to provide students with money from Uncle Sam’s wallet so they don’t have to attend Eastern Illinois University. Unfortunately, in order to get those sweet learnin’ dollars, one must complete FAFSA in it’s entirety, which, in and of itself, as many critics claim, is an experience like no other.

Allot Time Accordingly
The FAFSA form is about 20+ hours long with an expansive level up system, three escort missions, and an optional hotel management component. Although FAFSA has a save feature, deadline can sneak up on you, so it’s entirely possible you might have to complete it in one sitting. If this is the case, I suggest staying home from work and clearing your schedule. If you’re pregnant and dangerously approaching labor, try being less pregnant.

Familiarize yourself with the following tips:

• Cure spells, when used on undead, will deal damage equal to the same amount they would otherwise heal. This is particularly useful about halfway through FAFSA when you start dealing with necromancers en masse.

• Stay away from throwing weapons! Although initially the damage is impressive, their damage scales off quickly as you progress to the later sections of FAFSA.

• Don’t wander into major encounters before equipping your party with the best from local merchants. A little preparation goes a long way, and who knows how long you’ll go before you see another vendor?

• Side quests for each character’s ultimate weapon are time consuming and the pay off is not particularly impressive. If you have the time, go for it, but if it’s between getting Suey’s bayonet launcher and getting stuck at Eastern, go without the ultimate weapons. Again, Eastern sucks.

• Red barrels explode. But you knew that already, right?

What to shoot for
Upon completion, the FAFSA will award you a letter grade based on your performance. Although one might assume A is the highest, there is, in fact, a secret S rank for the extremely skilled.

The formula for determining rank is as follows:

(Gil spent on Tents)*(Hidden packages found)/(Number of game overs)+(Number of bar patrons saved during the siege sequence)

Note: As of 2004, The Bush administration has passed legislation so that the number of bar patrons saved will not go towards your final score. This is widely disputed because many poor players found reprieve in the comparatively easy siege sequence.

Famous Manatees

Daniel "Shampoo" O'Connor - Daniel broke the color barrier in underwater baseball. He was an icon to the community in both his athletic ability and what he represented in future racial understanding. He became a spokesperson for the underwater civil rights movement, which was a lot like America's civil rights movement. Just, you know, underwater. During a stirring speech, he was cut down in his prime by a rouge motorboat engine.

Ingrid Sax - A protester who fought for the female manatee's right to vote. This caused quite an uproar that ultimately ended her life. While the high counsel agreed to give women manatees the right to vote, they also stipulated that they would have to use different booths from the men. Ms. Sax is documented as the first women to enter a voting booth, but sadly not the first to vote, as the ballot was replaced with a motorboat engine. It is from this event where many manatees received the impression that motorboat engines hate change.

Though normally gentle giants, manatees do not know history, and more often then not repeat it.

Cletus Rubinstein - Celebrity came to this manatee after his death at age 7. He was loved in his pack of manatees, till tragedy struck. Thinking that the shadow from above was of a possible friend, he raced towards to what he thought was a bubbling mouth. He then became the poster child for motorboat engine awareness and a marketable mascot to kids. The kid manatees became so infatuated with Cletus that they too started running into motorboat engines, giving the community a fresh dose of irony.

John Rubinstein - A businessman and philanthropist, Rubinstein only crafted things that would better the quality of life for his fellow manatees. After losing his son and noting the high, steady amount of motorboat engine deaths, Rubinstein went to work on inventing the helmet. In a demonstration to the high counsel, he himself tested the effectiveness by donning the helmet and telling his assistant to start the unharnessed motorboat engine. After losing his assistant and being incarcerated for accidentally killing 5 out of 9 members of the high counsel, he began working on using the motorboat engine as weapon instead of an enemy. Upon being released from prison, he immediately started mass-producing personal motorboat engines for self-defense. Surprisingly, the crime-rate dropped, but ironically, so did John.

How do I effectively draft my fantasy WNBA team?

Basketball, huh? Uh, okay. When you’re drafting your team, think about picking good players and not bad ones. That should give you the edge over people who picked bad players. A very common mistake.

Your offense should be like a game of Missile Command. Or Pac-Man. Or Galaga. Or Asteroids. Or Centipede. Or Dig-Dug. Or Burgertime What I’m trying to say is that your offense should get as many points as possible.

Your defense on the other hand, should play like golf. Or Uno. Or another game where less points is good.

Defense is twice as important as offense. No, wait. Three time as important. Fuck, hold on. Scratch all of that. They’re both equally as important, but twice their original value in importance.

You have to think about the dynamic nature of the game. During a basketball season in high school, I once made out with this Courtney girl while we were sitting in the bleachers watching the game. Think about that and adjust your game plan accordingly. Game plan… people say that, right?

Also, think about the fantasy elements. Trolls are a good choice unless you think the other team is going to utilize fire. Centaurs, although possessing twice the amount of legs as normal humanoids, are poor dribblers. Also, try to get Charles Barkley. That guy, like, eats people. His younger brother, Gnarls, is also a strong pick.

Uh… what else…oh! An adapting team is a winning- wait. Hold the fucking phone. WNBA? What does the W stand for? No fucking way. I thought the WNBA was that sport the guy who owns wrestling made. Oh, fuck. That was the XFL wasn’t it? That’s still around, right? You’re fucking shitting me. Personally, I never watched a game but it sounded pretty awesome.

How do I write a response to an editorial?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they find it necessary to lash out at some sort of public persona from the safety of their own home. In the case of an editorialist, follow this template and plug the necessary words in the brackets:

Dear [name of editorialist],

Your recent article in [name of publication] left me very [emotion]. I couldn’t help but think [adverb] about the whole [noun]. I feel you [verb in past tense] the issue at hand in a very [adjective that describes old people] way. Granted, you make a good point for a [type of criminal that ends in “apist”] but I still feel you’re wrong. I find in my own personal experiences [race of people excluding African or Pacific Islander] rarely, if ever [something chosen race of people do a lot]. Your [adjective describing the smell of a burlesque house] opinion is equally unwelcome and [another word that starts with "un"]. You are a [shit head].

[Adverb ending in “ly”] yours,
[Your porn name]

Writing Workshop: The Cover Art for Your Novel

Welcome to the second installment of Writer’s Workshop. Since it’s the second installment, and the first one was pretty all encompassing, it’s safe to assume your writing projects are completed. Which leaves you at the most crucial of steps: deciding on cover art for your novel. Didn’t write a novel, you say? Fuck off, I say.

A leisurely trip around a bookstore/library/study of a giant haunted mansion will assault your synapses with a wide variety of novel cover art. However, instead of showing you the ins and outs of popular styles that grace the shelves, I have opted instead to make a personality test that will match you to the cover art that best reflects both your person and your work.

For the following questions, choose true or false.

1. __ My novel is not grounded in a reality resembling our own.
2. __ When I explain my novel to people, their first response is something along the lines of “Oh, so like Blade Runner?”
3. __ I hate it when people are late.
4. __ Cell phones have ruined the way humans communicate and the way we play Bejeweled.
5. __When standing idly I involuntarily play an invisible clarinet.
6. __ Odd numbers make me uncomfortable.
7. __ This sentence has five words.
8. __Every manatee-boat collision is a victory for man.
9. __ I am a team player.
10. __ I don’t know what Motown is.


Okay, tally up the number of questions you’ve chosen true. For every true, award yourself one point and refer to the following scale to see what kind of cover art you should employ for your novel.

1-3 points: Leather bound with fancy gold lettering.

4-6 points: Pop art


7-9 points: Intellectual photo of yourself

10 points: Really ambiguous fantasy picture

Things to see in Delaware

Welcome to the most comprehensive and up-to-date travel guide of Delaware! So up to date, however, that it is important to realize that most modern documents still list Delaware as a state and have not acknowledged that America's own "Blue Hen State" is now a sentient body of land that craves companionship and understanding. If you still choose to visit Delaware, here are a few attractions you'll want to be sure to check out on the world's first self-aware landmass.

• Rehoboth beach - This scenic beach is one of the mainstays of Delaware tourism. Of course, it only appears depending on which way Delaware is moving. Delaware, being an East-coast state, must travel in any direction but East for the beach to appear. When traveling East, water rushes onto the beach, covering the sand and destroying most of the beach front property. Even when it's not traveling East, the beach is pretty subpar anyhow.
  

• Delaware Memorial Bridge Ruins - Did you know Delaware is the home of the world's largest dual suspension bridges? Well, it use to be. Until Delaware started moving, shifting the tectonic plates of the Earth, causing the suspension bridges to shake and weave around each other like a concrete double helix. Luckily, the wreckage still looks pretty cool, and no one has made an effort to clean up the cars and bodies. You can poke at them with sticks if you wanted.
  

Fun Fact! Even though it was the largest dual suspension bridge built, they were only the top 39th and 40th suspension bridges in the world individually. So even at their best, Delaware was worse than most.

• Obleisk of Ancients - Covered in ancient runes, this monolith is positioned in the center of Dover and has been emitting low humming sound since the state began thinking. It is often theorized as the center of Delaware's actions, but science has done little to prove this point. It's cool to look at, but you really can't make a day out of it, much less a weekend or family getaway.
  

• Celebrities! - Be sure to pick up a star map before you leave the airport, because Delaware is known as the home for the most renown actors, actresses, and musicians! Of course, most of them jumped state after Delaware started pondering the deeper meaning of being a landmass. That still doesn't mean you can't ransack the abandoned houses of Ryan Phillippe (Breach) and Elisabeth Shue (The Karate Kid.) The only celebrity to really watch out for is Judge Reinhold, who has taken it upon himself to tame the wild Delaware.

Fun Fact! Did you know that Bob Marley stayed in Delaware
briefly and worked at a General Motors plant? Delaware killed
him inside and it was only a matter of time till his medical
marijuana could no longer help the pain.

It's important that you have fun in Delaware. If you openly report your less-than-satisfactory time on the self-seceded state, Delaware will feel alienated and worthless. Make sure you shield Delaware from your opinions if they are hurtful. He needs encouragement now more than ever. However, it won't be hard to have fun if you just follow the guide!