How do I tell if my son is gay?

Thanks to Hollywood, gay is spreading like a plague. A certain movie, staged in the old west, is poisoning our children’s minds with its extremist liberal ideals. Leave it to “the biz” to take something as American as a western and inject it with homosexual undertones, overtones, and middle tones.

I am of course referring to Back to the Future Part III.

Since that fateful day in 1990, good, well-natured, God-fearing parents are living with a constant fear of their sons turning gay, or as they refer to it on the street, gay.

So how can you, concerned parents, know once and for all and put your minds at ease? Luckily, gays are creatures of habit, which makes it easier for us as we try to catch them off guard in their daily rituals. Through thorough field research (in a totally straight way) I have discovered 3 noticeable signs that will tip you off as to the status of your son’s sexual orientation.

1. Shedded skin. Every 28 days, a gay will shed his entire epidermis. The scientific reasoning behind this? As you’re well aware, gays on average are better looking than straight men, no doubt be it a result of their top notch clothing and fashion choices. However, in order to effectively battle metrosexuals in terms of man prettiness, gays have evolved this skin shedding technique to make their complexions always look flawless and stunning. Parents, if you find your son peeling, or better yet, a giant husk of dried skin in his room, this is a tell-tale sign that your son may very well be gay.

2. Giant group viewings of Titanic. In my studies I have found that the longer a gay male goes without viewing Titanic, he will become continually more sickly and lethargic. As a result, it is very common in the gay community to throw “Titanic Parties.” If your son comes home from soccer practice (a sport already big in the gay underground) with some friends, and they pop in the Titanic VHS, already beginning to show wear from use, that is a definite light red flag.

3. Turtleneck sweaters. ‘Nuff said.

I am constantly in the research process, so new findings may arise. I pride myself in the fact my friends call me the “Jane Goodall of gays,” a title I hope to take to the grave with me, so parents, stay posted for new findings! Until then, happy hunting!

D.I.Y. Time!: How to make your own soaps

Fresh scented anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, or SOAP, is common and free in public washrooms. However, if you want the excitement of soap in your own home, it'll cost you. For years, the fat cats at Johnson & Johnson and Colgate-Palmolive have been making monkeys out of you, and not even the cool kind of monkeys that solve crimes, check into hotels, or skateboard. The lame monkeys who just hang out in trees, throwing feces, and wishing they could be like us. Stop throwing poop and become a man/woman by learning how to make your own soap from household products!

Gather the materials - Obviously, you need the items before you can even think about making some fresh scented anti-bacterial hand sanitizer in the privacy of your own home. We'll go about this in the order of the acronym.

• First, the fresh scent. For this you will want to get a bunch of bananas. It does not matter on whether you want to smell like bananas, this is merely the easiest fruit to deal with when making a soap. Once you get the hang of it, you can move on to better things. For now though, bananas.

• The materials needed for the anti-bacterial part are kinda tricky. As you know, some insects have healing agents in their body, like that Egyptian beetle that can give you immortality or something (I saw "The Mummy" while tripping balls, so some of the finer details are hazy.) The bug you need for the job is your everyday lice, which can be easily picked from animals and ill-kept friends and family. To be safe, gather about 2 pounds of them.
  

• The actual hand sanitizer is how you hold the both fresh scent and the anti-bacterial qualities of lice and banana together. It is my pleasure to inform you that the materials you need to bond this materials is under your nose. A few feet lower. And around the corner. Yes, feces are the best way to marry these items. I know what you're thinking, but this is the most cost-effective way to make soap by a good 10 dollars, and you wouldn't be reading this now if you wanted to spend money. Therefore, waste is the winner!

Assembly - Like making a batch of cookies, this requires adding ingredients to the mixing bowl on time intervals. First you take your lice and pour them into the bowl. Then, using a pestle or a femur as a tool, grind the lice to powder small. After about 3 minutes of vigorously beating the lice to the tune of "Also sprach Zarathustra," by Richard Strauss, better known as Ric Flair's theme music, unwrap a banana, add it to the mix, and continue beating it until banana and lice are mixed into a substance I like to call "liceana." Once liceana is achieved, continue mixing until you've read all of the next paragraph and know what you have to do.

Liceana is an unstable union, and if you do not add human waste within a seconds, all of the fresh scent and anti-bacterial properties will be lost. This means that you will have to fling your feces quickly into the bowl. After said deed is done, mix for another 30 seconds. Then jar the soap and microwave it for 30 minutes, followed by 10 minutes of room temperature, then followed by keeping it stored in a refrigerator overnight. The next morning, pour it into an old soap dispenser.

Admire your hard work! You have successfully made your very own soap! It might not look like something Johnson & Johnson would sell, but you'll witness first hand how much better it works than their watered-down products. Now you can raise your bubbly fist in defiance to those fat cats and yell about how you'll never be played as a monkey again!

Things to see in Delaware

Welcome to the most comprehensive and up-to-date travel guide of Delaware! So up to date, however, that it is important to realize that most modern documents still list Delaware as a state and have not acknowledged that America's own "Blue Hen State" is now a sentient body of land that craves companionship and understanding. If you still choose to visit Delaware, here are a few attractions you'll want to be sure to check out on the world's first self-aware landmass.

• Rehoboth beach - This scenic beach is one of the mainstays of Delaware tourism. Of course, it only appears depending on which way Delaware is moving. Delaware, being an East-coast state, must travel in any direction but East for the beach to appear. When traveling East, water rushes onto the beach, covering the sand and destroying most of the beach front property. Even when it's not traveling East, the beach is pretty subpar anyhow.
  

• Delaware Memorial Bridge Ruins - Did you know Delaware is the home of the world's largest dual suspension bridges? Well, it use to be. Until Delaware started moving, shifting the tectonic plates of the Earth, causing the suspension bridges to shake and weave around each other like a concrete double helix. Luckily, the wreckage still looks pretty cool, and no one has made an effort to clean up the cars and bodies. You can poke at them with sticks if you wanted.
  

Fun Fact! Even though it was the largest dual suspension bridge built, they were only the top 39th and 40th suspension bridges in the world individually. So even at their best, Delaware was worse than most.

• Obleisk of Ancients - Covered in ancient runes, this monolith is positioned in the center of Dover and has been emitting low humming sound since the state began thinking. It is often theorized as the center of Delaware's actions, but science has done little to prove this point. It's cool to look at, but you really can't make a day out of it, much less a weekend or family getaway.
  

• Celebrities! - Be sure to pick up a star map before you leave the airport, because Delaware is known as the home for the most renown actors, actresses, and musicians! Of course, most of them jumped state after Delaware started pondering the deeper meaning of being a landmass. That still doesn't mean you can't ransack the abandoned houses of Ryan Phillippe (Breach) and Elisabeth Shue (The Karate Kid.) The only celebrity to really watch out for is Judge Reinhold, who has taken it upon himself to tame the wild Delaware.

Fun Fact! Did you know that Bob Marley stayed in Delaware
briefly and worked at a General Motors plant? Delaware killed
him inside and it was only a matter of time till his medical
marijuana could no longer help the pain.

It's important that you have fun in Delaware. If you openly report your less-than-satisfactory time on the self-seceded state, Delaware will feel alienated and worthless. Make sure you shield Delaware from your opinions if they are hurtful. He needs encouragement now more than ever. However, it won't be hard to have fun if you just follow the guide!