How do I name my hardwood store?

A hardwood storeowner is a profession so profound, that its nobility is surpassed only by that of the alchemist. Granted, the ability to transmute any common metal into precious gold is infinitely more useful than calling the shots at a hardwood store, but owning a private business, and a hardwood store at that, is an infinitely more red-blooded American profession.

It is only natural that you are concerned about the name of your soon-to-be hardwood empire, especially when you consider that businesses live and die by their names in the fast paced world of today.

Luckily, I have found a trend in the success. Frank, a local hardwood storeowner, and good personal friend of mine, has gone through three names for his establishment.

How this has affected his business, is displayed in the following graph. Each point on the graph represents a name change for Frank’s store.


Point A was when Frank first opened his store under the title of Frank’s Home Center. Business was subpar at best.

At point B, Frank renamed his establishment to Frank’s Big Wood Store. With a slightly more sexual name, Frank saw a definite boost in sales.

Point C was really when Frank had hit gold. After the final name change to Frank’s Big Dick Store Also There Are Balls Because The Balls Are Located Near The Wang And Its Sort Of A Package Deal, Frank’s business was simply booming.

Point D was a shark I drew. I was watching shark week at the time.

As you may have already figured out, there is a direct correlation between sexual hardwood store names and profits.

Where is this science behind this you ask? Please refer to the following equation.

Names that sound like boners > Names without boners.

A seemingly simple equation, however the greater than sign can be tricky. Just think of the sign as an alligator trying to eat the bigger value. After mastering this, the hardwood world is yours.