How do I ghost ride?

Ghost riding is the latest extreme sport phenomenon, brought to the world by the world of "hip-hop." This is not to be confused with hell's hitman Ghost Rider, or even Ghostwriter, the bouncing green dot that helped a group of ethnically diverse kids solve mysteries in the name of public broadcast television. This ghost riding involves dancing around or on top of a car that is moving and also "blasting" "phat/fresh" beats.

Ghost riding is not a new concept. In fact, ghost riders have been present at the biggest events in recent history.








While the sport is regarded safer than watching Ghost Rider and Ghostwriter, there are a few guidelines one should follow when "getting dumb."

Wear tight clothes - Cars have a lot of intricate facets that can do a number on your clothes if they are too baggy. Throw out the "loose jeans" and big jackets for some nice, lung strangling shirts and manhood-showing pants. Worst case scenario, the less clothes the better.

Mix up your moves - Variety is the spice of life, and also the spice of all the sweet moves you can pull off/on your slowly rolling Ford Fiesta. Sure, you can hang off of the doors the entire time if you wanted, but why not try some more traditional dances, but just one the roof? Think of your Ford Fiesta as a parade float, and instead of waving to the onlookers, you are just busting phat moves in their direction. Also, try waving and throwing candy out.

The Wheelz - While I just assume you own a Ford Fiesta, that doesn't mean that it is the only car you should use to ghost ride (although Consumer Reports would say otherwise.) However, because it has "Fiesta" in the name, and "Fiesta" is German for party (and you know how those Germans love to ghost ride), it makes for a solid choice. However, any car should work if as long as it is colorful, stands apart from others, and proud.

If you are wondering how all of this comes together, here is an example picture you can use for your own ghost riding adventures.

What if I'm in a room with two people with the same name?

You know it. Your friends know it. Your mom drilled it into your head as a child. Sadly, some people just don’t understand that two people with the same name should never, under any circumstances be in close proximity to one another. Make no mistake, when two people with the same name come together, this is hostile territory.

When groups of similarly named people congregate, they’re not fucking around. They’re out for blood.

Did you know... the reason that the Middle East is such a hot spot for violence is not as a result of the countless religious conflicts, but because there are so many people named Mohammad?

One of our biggest social safeguards against violence is slowly being phased out with each new, violence glorifying generation. Chances are, you're going to have to deal with it. For maximum damage control, keep the following this in mind:

Become aware of the differences in the similarly named people. It has been statistically proven that people that cavort with others of the same name are ten times more likely to commit murder than murders. As a potential witness, there's a good chance you will be asked to testify in a court of law and you wouldn't want to sound like you don't know what you're talking about. That would be embarrassing.

Warning! In some extreme cases two people could appear identical AND share the same name. There really isn't much you can except assume one is a homosexual. When you make assumptions about sexual orientation, you're usually right. This way you can tell reporters that the gay one held you down while the straight one stabbed you with a red-hot poker.

Here we have two people named "Ghost Rider," a peace-loving person's worst nightmare. The one with the coffee is gay.

Lying about your name will not befriend them! Although it could trick the same namers initially, theres a very good chance they could work through your lies. Even if they did believe you, they would force you into their murder cornucopia which has two potential outcomes. You could A) be killed in a hail of crossfire, or B) get arrested, only to have your cover blown when the police report reveals your real name, which would cause your former partners in crime to murder you once everyone gets incarcerated.

Don't become a victimizer! It's entirely possible you could run into something that shares your exact name. Do not, I repeat, do not, feel obligated to start a murderous rampage with this person. Even though you could potentially become fast friends, you could never bring them home to have dinner with your family, because he/she would kill them for having a different name than you. Think about it.

How do I cover up my drunkeness?

It's inevitable. At one time in your life, you will be drunk in someplace where you do not want to be drunk. It could be at an office party or a job interview or an AA meeting. No matter when and where it strikes, you do not want to let the other people know that you are indeed loaded. You do not want to be taken advantage of by sober people, nor do you want to wake up with arrows drawn on you in sharpie, pointing to all of the fun places. The best thing to do is to find your way home, but how can you even do that without being told you are too drunk? The following are several ways to hide your intoxicated nature from onlookers.

Preview question: How many of these people are drunk? How many have taken advice from this site? Answer: Too many, and according to the Google AdSense that is supporting my family of 8, not enough.

Masking - This is the most straight forward of them all. By simply covering your face, you can cover the telltale signs of glazed eyes and twitch ear. May I suggest whatever you may find around you at the point of inebriation, like a lampshade. Just throw one of those babies on your head, and it's smooth sailing from there on out.

Be Friendly - It's the simplest thing to do, but it is sometimes hard to act natural when you are filled with moonshine. There are three things you must remember: 1.) Everyone is a dude or brah, no matter gender, race, or creed. 2.) You can never go wrong with respect knuckles. While you might go to shake with the wrong hand, knuckles are like American Express or cocaine: accepted anywhere. 3.) Ask your friends and people around you for support, both physically and mentally. It's like a small little icebreaker, where you learn everyone's name and they make sure you can stand up straight.

Did you know... that alcohol makes you gay?

Urinate everywhere - This one needs some explanation. You should only urinate everywhere if that is what your friend's expect you would do while sober. Even if it's not a usual habit, you might want to pick it up just for this instance. Sometimes you can't just control it, and if it is expected of you to pee in the corner of the living room of your friend, then it's not as shocking when you pee there and you're drunk. More importantly, they'll be none the wiser.

Say you aren't drunk - Honestly, if you can assure someone you aren't drunk, what other basis do they have to go on? My point exactly. Just be upfront. Tell them you aren't drunk. Yell, if you have to. Get into a fight over, if it comes to that. Put that 7-11 clerk in his place. What does he know about how you normally act in your everyday habits (see: "Urinate everywhere") ?

How do I tell if my son is gay?

Thanks to Hollywood, gay is spreading like a plague. A certain movie, staged in the old west, is poisoning our children’s minds with its extremist liberal ideals. Leave it to “the biz” to take something as American as a western and inject it with homosexual undertones, overtones, and middle tones.

I am of course referring to Back to the Future Part III.

Since that fateful day in 1990, good, well-natured, God-fearing parents are living with a constant fear of their sons turning gay, or as they refer to it on the street, gay.

So how can you, concerned parents, know once and for all and put your minds at ease? Luckily, gays are creatures of habit, which makes it easier for us as we try to catch them off guard in their daily rituals. Through thorough field research (in a totally straight way) I have discovered 3 noticeable signs that will tip you off as to the status of your son’s sexual orientation.

1. Shedded skin. Every 28 days, a gay will shed his entire epidermis. The scientific reasoning behind this? As you’re well aware, gays on average are better looking than straight men, no doubt be it a result of their top notch clothing and fashion choices. However, in order to effectively battle metrosexuals in terms of man prettiness, gays have evolved this skin shedding technique to make their complexions always look flawless and stunning. Parents, if you find your son peeling, or better yet, a giant husk of dried skin in his room, this is a tell-tale sign that your son may very well be gay.

2. Giant group viewings of Titanic. In my studies I have found that the longer a gay male goes without viewing Titanic, he will become continually more sickly and lethargic. As a result, it is very common in the gay community to throw “Titanic Parties.” If your son comes home from soccer practice (a sport already big in the gay underground) with some friends, and they pop in the Titanic VHS, already beginning to show wear from use, that is a definite light red flag.

3. Turtleneck sweaters. ‘Nuff said.

I am constantly in the research process, so new findings may arise. I pride myself in the fact my friends call me the “Jane Goodall of gays,” a title I hope to take to the grave with me, so parents, stay posted for new findings! Until then, happy hunting!