How do I lose a guy in 10 days?

Ladies, has this ever happened to you? There is a man, or "guy," who seems pretty cool, but he's nasty in some way, and you feel as if you must get rid of him, or "Lose" him. Women! Say NO MORE! I, Leon Firestone and to a lesser extent Mr. Jones, have found the solution to your creepy "guy" woes which will take no more than a week and three days, or "10 days."

These plans are not exclusively for "ladies" "losing" "guys," but could be used by anyone to "lose" any sort of person. You could be a man trying to lose a mistress, a child trying to lose a stray puppy who is following him home from the baseball fields, a mistress trying to lose a man, a puppy trying to lose a stray kid who is following him home from the baseball fields, a man trying to lose a kid, a mistress trying to lose a stray puppy who is following her home from the baseball fields, and any other combination of people you might think of.

(Note: midgets are not people, and therefore cannot be lost in 10 days. See Appendix GG of the guide, titled Dealing With Midgets.

Day 1
Do not return calls. If caught in a conversation, become standoffish.

Day 2
Call when they pick up, but only yell non-sense in the phone and hang-up abruptly.

Day 3
They will stop by your house for an impromptu visit. Handle this by showcasing your previously unveiled dead animal collection.

Day 4
Stop by their workspace. Bring your dead animal collection.

Day 5
Invite their family over for a dinner. Pee on them.

Day 6
Apologize for the dinner party incident. Give them one of your most prized dead animals. The catch: the dead animal is filled with their family.

Day 7
Replace the milk in their fridge with expired milk. Watch from afar and get ready to laugh!!

Day 8
Burn their house down.

Day 9
Make them a new house. Use dead animals and expired milk.

Day 10
Burn their house down.

You notice some of the items are reused. CONSUMER CONSCIENCE! Buy dead animals and expired milk in bulk to save on costs. You'll be glad you did!