Info Nugget: Christmas in July

Originally created by the German composer Wilhelm Richard Wagner at some point between his birth and death, Christmas in July appears to be another opportunity during the year to empower people with the Christmas spirit. In reality, however, Wagner’s intentions were not so pure.

In all actuality, Wagner was an anti-Semite and created the holiday because he was disappointed that the normal Christmas in December (often referred to as “vanilla Christmas” or “Christmas”) only alienated Jews from the gift-giving process once a year. He hoped that by having two Christmases a year he would be able to weaken the foundation of Jewish faith.

Unfortunately for Wagner, he was unsuccessful. The Jewish people in Europe did not feel alienated by the second Christmas, and actually felt even better about their faith because they got watch all their Christian friends deal with the bullshit that is gift receipts twice a year. Not to mention all the wrapping they didn’t have to do. That shit sucks.

Christmas in July in America
Not aware of the holiday’s original cruel intentions, President William McKinley made Christmas in July a recognized holiday in 1904. Nonetheless, the holiday was adopted with a few twists. Just like how New Orleans’s culture was born from a fusion of French, African, and hurricane influences, Christmas in July in America comes from a similar fusion of blind patriotism and love for baby Jesus.

Ways to celebrate
There are two acceptable ways to celebrate Christmas in July:

1. Celebrate like you would any normal Christmas, but at the end of the night shoot fireworks at the Christmas tree while chanting “USA! USA! USA!”

2. Go door to door singing, but instead of Christmas carols sing “Proud To Be An American” by Lee Greenwood. Or “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure. I really like that song. End your night by shooting fireworks into the tree while chanting the three magical letters that stand for freedom.

Why should I celebrate?
There’s fucking fireworks and presents! Who doesn’t like fireworks? And presents! Why wouldn’t you want to celebrate it? You’re not…gay… are you?

If you are, I won’t tell anyone. Do your parents know? Ah, I see. Don’t worry! I will be your rock. Together, you and I will weather this storm. Together.