Road to Wellness: Anger Management

Ever since the German's invented anger in the 12th Century, it has been the the accepted way to showcase your displeasure with others and their inadequacies. However, people can get carried away with their anger and scream obscenities, throw phones, and beat my mom at my 12th birthday party. Letting your anger get a hold of you can lead to awful things, but in his defense, she should have sprung the extra dollar for premium sprinkles. Anger in my family is hereditary, and in order to circumvent some future outbursts, I've taken it upon myself to research some possible hate-deterrents for both of our benefit.

In order to keep your anger in check, the different exercises will rated by the effect that it would have on your Killcumference. A moderate killcumference to have when you are angry is 4 yards, but infectiously angry people have been known to attack anyone within a three city block area.

Deep Breathing
If you feel yourself getting tensed up and ready to smash cars with your punches and kicks, just trying taking a step away from the action and taking a deep breath in, a steady exhale, and then repeat that for about a minute until you forgot about wanting to punch and kick cars.

Killcumference: It'll bring you down to about a yard, but very slowly. While this might seem like it would be effective, the method of breathing itself is for pansies. "Oh no, I'm angry! I guess I can just breathe and not be angry anymore!" Who would ever admit to saying that?

Also, you might need to punch and kick cars. What if this is that bonus stage from Street Fighter II and you need to destroy the car in 30 seconds? This furthers my point that breathing is retarded.

Tai Chi/Yoga
Tai Chi and Yoga have been lumped together because they both baffle and frustrate me. From what I gather, People achieve peace by balancing on one foot, raising their hands, and various other school yard things.

Killcumference: This stupid piece of shit of a goddamn Asian culture will lower your killcumference to 2 feet, but you look like a Goddamn idiot for doing this stupid ass exercise. Goddamn, isn't their one way to just lower your anger that won't make you look like some down-syndromed ballerina on barbiturates. FUCK!

IMAGERY AND VISUALIZATION
IS YOUR LIFE STRESSFUL AND MAKES YOU ANGRY AS FUCK? THEN JUST FUCKING IMAGINE A COOL... island... breeze coming off of the shore as you sip your... Mai Tai and just soak in your surroundings... just like that...

Killcumference: It brings it down to barely nothing, and that's a good thing.

Edit by Mr. Jones: At this point, Leon took a break from writing and went to the bar we have in our shared office. He came back furious, because "SOMEONE accidentally left the milk out." It was probably one of our interns.

FUCKING SHIT
FUCK THIS TAINT OF A PLACE. WHY DO WE EVEN HAVE MILK IF WE ARE JUST GONNA LET IT GET WARM AND AWFUL ALL THE DAMN TIME? WHY? I'LL TELL YOU WHY. BECAUSE THIS PLACE IS FILLED WITH SORRY SACKS OF SALSBURY SHIT.

KILLCUMFERENCE
I'm not angry. I just want to know where the intern is. He took the day off? How convenient. Give me that fire poker. I'll deal this milk justice myself.