Writing Workshop: How do I write a poem that's not an Haiku?

Earlier, Leon wrote a Writing Workshop segment on how to effectively write a Haiku. After an onslaught of your emails, it has been made clear that you, the masses, desire to be taught how to write other kinds of poetry.

At first, we were confused. “Other kinds of poetry” was a phrase we were not familiar with. As far as we were aware, poetry as an art form was born during WW2 with the birth of the Haiku. After several minutes of putting search queries into Google like “history of poetry” and “poetry that isn’t haiku,” we soon learned we were very oblivious to the art. We also searched “Kate Beckinsale +tits” which produced results that we felt, quantitatively speaking, were awesome.

Regardless, I am a man who respects academic integrity. As such, I feel it is out of my personal ability to instruct others in something I didn’t know existed until about 20 minutes ago. Much like building an actual size replica of Princess Di out of toothpicks, becoming an accomplished poet takes patience and time. What I can do, however, is instruct you as to why you should write a poem.

As far as I can tell, a poem should be written when you have a cool idea but are unsure if it would make a good television show. As a poet, you must ask yourself, “Would people watch this on TV? And if so, on what network?” If the answer is “no” or “UPN if it were still around,” it is extremely likely that your thoughts will be best communicated as a poem.

Poems thrive in environments where writing space is a scarce commodity. If you have a lot to say, and not a lot room to put it, say, a stall in a bathroom, a poem will prove more effective than a prose essay. Not only that, but if your friends use that same stall in the future, they’ll probably high-five you for rhyming “Becky’s snatch” and “down the hatch.”

I am unsure if all poems need to contain the words snatch and hatch, but if you like receiving high-fives you should really consider becoming a poet.

You will also find you can take seemingly boring lines of text and make it them infinitely more artsy by throwing in random line breaks and a powerful title. Watch how I transform the following note…

Mr. Jones,
I am sorry. I can’t do this anymore. These love/hate cycles are too much. The yelling and the hitting followed by fancy dinners and flowers the next day. I thought I was trapped until I finally told my sister (she never liked you to begin with) about the whole ordeal. And although we both cried so much we grew dizzy from dehydration, that absence of water was replaced with hope. You can bruise my body you asshole, but you can’t bruise my pride.

~Becky

…Into mind blowing art:

The Woman That Got Out Of The Bear Trap

I am
sorry. I can’t do this anymore. These love/
hate cycles are too much. The yelling and the
hitting followed by
fancy dinners
and
flowers the next day. I thought I was trapped until I finally told my sister
(she never liked you to begin with)
about the whole ordeal. And although we both cried so much
we grew dizzy from dehydration,
that absence of water was replaced with
hope. You can bruise my body you
asshole,
but you can’t bruise my pride.

Let us forget that poets live amazing lives! T.S. Eliot worked in a bank and Edgar Allen Poe probably died of rabies!