House Calls: Standard Orphan Syndrome

Feeling sickly? Something seem amiss in your daily life? Are you paranoid that it could be any sort of debilitating illness? Then you'll love our new segment, House Calls. It's all the helpfulness of WebMD, only better in every which way. We'll zero in on a single illness, syndrome, or disorder, go through the symptoms, causes, and cures, and send you on your way to better health.

Overview - standard orphan syndrome, or SOS, is a common among, well, orphans. It's the term used to describe both the antisocial tendencies, and the superpowers inhibited by those who were put up for adoption.

Symptoms - Do you feel alone? Do you fear change? Can't connect to anyone anymore? Have you learned to hate boarding house style beds and food? Do you not know who your parents are? Does the idea of flight and heat vision seem like a possibility?

Causes - SOS can strike at any time, but is prevalent in orphans who have been parentless for 4 to 5 years. Be forewarned: You do not have to be an orphan to have standard orphan syndrome. You can just simply be away from home, eating gruel, or locked in a closet for a year or so, and BAM! Superpowers.

Cures - Though I do not know why anyone would ever want to forfeit superpowers in order to better relate to other humans, there are cures. If you want to to permanently lose your awesome superpowers you'll have to find your birth parents. Check DNA records and bribe the mother superiors of your orphanage for a name and address. Once you confront them, get the answer you want to, and using your heat vision, melt there faces. Now, this is not to say you should hate your birth parents for putting you up for adoption. This is simply the only way to get rid of your problem. It's always a tragic and emotionally charged encounter that will scar you for life. So really, you're just better off feeling neglecting and flying around and crap.

If you suffer from SOS and did not grow up in an orphanage, or were an orphan and your parents are hard to find, get a prescription for amoxicillin. 4 weeks at 2 times a do should do it. Not nearly as cool, though.