Every summer, we are treated to the same news story about how we cannot keep pets or kids or old people in cars because it's way too fucking hot out. However, the news fails to mention alternatives to what is possibly the most cost-efficient dog house/litter box/crib/day-care/bong/kindergarten/nursing home ever. You'd fork over some extra money for each of these, but you really cannot think because damn, it's really hot out. In response, here are some things you can stuff your pets, children and old people into.
Plant care center
Found outside of big box stores during the summer months, these tented pet-child-elderly care oases have qualified plant-watchers, who will happily use their knowledge to watch over your belongings as you shop around for flowers. However, there are unspoken rules about the underground care center they run. In order to initiate conversation, ask them how the petunias are coming in. If they answer "do you want us to watch your shit?" that means they are in on it and will be glad to help you. It's usually 10 bucks an hour, but at least you know they are in good hands, and kids love playing in the carts. But like, how do the workers even manage with this heat? It's unbearable. How many bottles of water do you think they go through. A lot. I can tell you that right now. Fuck, I'm sweating all over the place. I'm a mess.
Display sheds
A common site outside of hardware stores are those giant plastic sheds people can bring home to store tools, make a work bench or sometimes just get away from it all, man. Because looking at them is free, I say you exploit this and dump off all your pets, kids, and old people and tell them to act as potential buyers while you go to work down the street at PoleKatz. The sales associates frown upon this abandonment, so it's important that your pets, children, and old people are REALLY into the act. They should have nothing less than 2 years experience in professional acting and should be well-versed in long-form improv. Wish them good luck improv-ing in this 400 degree weather. Christ. I mean, 51 more degrees and books will just start fucking combusting. That is if your sweat doesn't put out the flames. Christ.
Train Station Lockers
With the previous suggestions, we rely a lot on the honor system. With locking people in a confined space, you can be rest-assured that your pet, kid, and/or old person will never wander off. Make sure they bring a ball they can bounce off the walls. This is made to make their time spent in the box bearable. And it's so much cooler in the station than it is when you are out in the jag-off sun. Yea, keep shining. See where that gets you. Know where that gets you? Shitcity. Population: You, you middle-sized star. Dick. Christ. Hot. Christ.
A closet with a chair blocking the door
It's pretty much the same thing as the locker, but instead of locking the door, you can just grab some chairs. It looks shady, but when it comes to day-care, shady is sometimes the best. I could just use some shade. My God, my eyes. I cannot see anything. Only spots. I tried to rub my eyes with my hands, but my hands feel like they are constantly burning. This agony can only bring death.
Goddamn it's hot out
Are... Are you there? Can you please drag me over to that car. I need to be under it to escape the sun. This blacktop burns me, but I cannot escape it. I spent 3 hours trying to climb up a curb but I couldn't. You can see my trail of blood, sweat and tears from there to where I am now. If I die right now, can you please tell Mr. Jones that I am sorry, and I will never run away from the Survival Guide Headquarters again? We had this falling out, and I just don't want to be remembered as the guy who yelled and flipped tables when the team room was out of Triscuits. Fuck. Now I'm getting cold. Hold me. Hold me and never let go.
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