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Tuesday, July 31, 2007

Travel Guide: The Many Memorials of Washington D.C.

If you're planning a trip for your family, look no further than Washington D.C. Though it is now a haven for corruption and crime, all of that can looked over by sightseeing at the memorials and monuments that commemorate America's proudest citizens and greatest achievements. In typical Survival Guide to Everyday Life fashion, we will not only give you the most ideal locations, but also give you the histories and details that are often forgotten by the general public.

Arlington National Cemetery & Robert E. Lee Memorial - Quite possibly one of the most famous cemeteries to date, the land was originally the home of General Robert E. Lee. The house was built in 1817 by George Custis, the adopted son of George Washington and the first case of Standard Orphan Syndrome on American soil. The house serves as a testament to the powers an orphan can receive by being neglected, as the building features an impressive 20 stories, though all but 3 are underground, and all but 6 can only be seen in the fifth dimension.

The graveyard itself houses some of the most spectacular corpses in American history. It currently holds all the Unknown Soldiers, most Kennedys, prize fighter Joe Louis, and Buddy the dog of Air Bud fame. It is because of this that I do not recommend bringing your kids here. Then again, why would you bring your kids to a cemetery on a vacation, you sick fuck?

Thomas Jefferson Memorial - The Thomas Jefferson Memorial has new teeth constantly being formed in rows in his jaw. Thomas Jefferson's teeth are normally replaced every eight days. I am currently trying to find research to support this claim, but I think this was just the result of common delusion due to late nights during Shark Week.

Korean War Veterans Memorial - For years, the Korean War Veterans Memorial has been the second choice after tourists realize how packed the Vietnam Veteran Memorial is. These people didn't die unjustly, nor for a lie. It was pretty much the cleanest war we have fought post-WWII. It is because of this that the war is frequently forgotten in the annals of history. And honestly, there isn't much to look at. Chances are that your kids will just try climbing the statues of the brave men and women who gave their lives in Korea for some reason, and you don't want to considered as THAT family, do you?

Washington Monument - Most commonly revered as the most accurate sculpture of George Washington to date.

Lincoln Memorial - The main attraction to many Washington D.C. trips, the Lincoln Memorial consists of Greek temple, housing a 19 foot tall statue of Lincoln sitting in his power throne. When standing, this Lincoln is at a mighty 25 feet and most likely thirsting the blood of the South. In case Lincoln is awoken from his slumber, chains have been fastened around him to prevent wanton destruction. The best way to kill Lincoln is to go through the wall behind him and kill the head of Robert E. Lee, which is still living, breathing, and residing on a pike. You will need the NoClip cheat for this.

The 36 columns on the memorial are symbolic of the 36 bullet wounds that Lincoln suffered on that fateful night at Ford Theater.

Monday, July 30, 2007

How do I name my hardwood store?

A hardwood storeowner is a profession so profound, that its nobility is surpassed only by that of the alchemist. Granted, the ability to transmute any common metal into precious gold is infinitely more useful than calling the shots at a hardwood store, but owning a private business, and a hardwood store at that, is an infinitely more red-blooded American profession.

It is only natural that you are concerned about the name of your soon-to-be hardwood empire, especially when you consider that businesses live and die by their names in the fast paced world of today.

Luckily, I have found a trend in the success. Frank, a local hardwood storeowner, and good personal friend of mine, has gone through three names for his establishment.

How this has affected his business, is displayed in the following graph. Each point on the graph represents a name change for Frank’s store.

Point A was when Frank first opened his store under the title of Frank’s Home Center. Business was subpar at best.

At point B, Frank renamed his establishment to Frank’s Big Wood Store. With a slightly more sexual name, Frank saw a definite boost in sales.

Point C was really when Frank had hit gold. After the final name change to Frank’s Big Dick Store Also There Are Balls Because The Balls Are Located Near The Wang And Its Sort Of A Package Deal, Frank’s business was simply booming.

Point D was a shark I drew. I was watching shark week at the time.

As you may have already figured out, there is a direct correlation between sexual hardwood store names and profits.

Where is this science behind this you ask? Please refer to the following equation.

Names that sound like boners > Names without boners.

A seemingly simple equation, however the greater than sign can be tricky. Just think of the sign as an alligator trying to eat the bigger value. After mastering this, the hardwood world is yours.

Friday, July 27, 2007

House Calls: Standard Orphan Syndrome

Feeling sickly? Something seem amiss in your daily life? Are you paranoid that it could be any sort of debilitating illness? Then you'll love our new segment, House Calls. It's all the helpfulness of WebMD, only better in every which way. We'll zero in on a single illness, syndrome, or disorder, go through the symptoms, causes, and cures, and send you on your way to better health.

Overview - standard orphan syndrome, or SOS, is a common among, well, orphans. It's the term used to describe both the antisocial tendencies, and the superpowers inhibited by those who were put up for adoption.

Symptoms - Do you feel alone? Do you fear change? Can't connect to anyone anymore? Have you learned to hate boarding house style beds and food? Do you not know who your parents are? Does the idea of flight and heat vision seem like a possibility?

Causes - SOS can strike at any time, but is prevalent in orphans who have been parentless for 4 to 5 years. Be forewarned: You do not have to be an orphan to have standard orphan syndrome. You can just simply be away from home, eating gruel, or locked in a closet for a year or so, and BAM! Superpowers.

Cures - Though I do not know why anyone would ever want to forfeit superpowers in order to better relate to other humans, there are cures. If you want to to permanently lose your awesome superpowers you'll have to find your birth parents. Check DNA records and bribe the mother superiors of your orphanage for a name and address. Once you confront them, get the answer you want to, and using your heat vision, melt there faces. Now, this is not to say you should hate your birth parents for putting you up for adoption. This is simply the only way to get rid of your problem. It's always a tragic and emotionally charged encounter that will scar you for life. So really, you're just better off feeling neglecting and flying around and crap.

If you suffer from SOS and did not grow up in an orphanage, or were an orphan and your parents are hard to find, get a prescription for amoxicillin. 4 weeks at 2 times a do should do it. Not nearly as cool, though.

Wednesday, July 25, 2007

The pool buying guide

So you’re ready to become a pool owner, but you may be surprised to know that it’s a lot more complicated than you think. In addition to the regular maintenance a pool requires, the decision of what style of pool can be a very heavy burden on the potential purchaser’s shoulders. Much like your friends, your zodiac sign, or your sexual history, the style of your pool says a lot about you. In order to help you find the pool that best suits you, the following are some pool designs and what they mean.

The Lazy L - People who own Lazy L pools tend to be reserved, yet surprisingly outgoing people. A Lazy L’er always offers a lot of conversation at social gatherings but is never the life of the party. However, in some scholarly circles, the Lazy L is the symbol of the trisexual.

Oval - Those who purchase oval pools are people who don’t like much excitement in their lives. These people strive for consistency and when faced with adversity they usually bite back with passive aggression. Additionally, they are hyper sensitive and subject to random mood swings. In fact, the mere setting and rising of the sun is usually enough to push an Ovaler into uncontrollable weeping, oftentimes as they write a strongly worded letter that never gets mailed.

Kidney - These pool owners find themselves always compensating for something. Usually, it’s their lack of kidneys.

Grecian - Grecian owners get a +2 bonus on all initiative rolls, as well as the ability to reroll any botched saving throw. Grecian owners do not receive a penalty when dual wielding, but they are twice as vulnerable to fire.

Maui -In this context, the word "Maui" means “this pool looks like a vagina.” This pool does not reveal any traits of its owner, other than the fact they own a cooch-pool.

Monday, July 23, 2007

What if I run into Pat Boone, but do not know anything of his body of work?

You're just going about your usual trip on the bike trails, when you see a shadowy figure in front of you. You slow down to have more time to prepare yourself for the uncertainty that lies ahead. The fog is starting to lift, revealing that it is humanoid, but you come to a complete stop to watch its behavior. He emerges from the mist, and wouldn't you know it? It's no one other than musician and actor Pat Boone!

Do not move. You might still be able to get away if you are a good runner. The fog still surrounds you, and your directions are North, South, and Southeast. What do you do?

1. Make Yourself Appear Bigger - This is a simple idea that can go a long way if you find yourself cornered by Pat Boone. If you are wearing a jacket or button down shirt, undo it slowly and flash Pat Boone. This makes your appearance and span seem much larger than what Pat Boone assumed, and hopefully, he will run away with his tail between his legs.

2. Bluff - This is ill-advised, but if you are confident in your own abilities, you can do it. Just try pretending to know what you are talking about. Mention how big of a fan you are, and you can mention a myriad of things like him living next to Ozzy Osbourne, being a born-again Christian, or even the album "Tie Me Kangaroo Down Sport" if you feel gutsy enough. Be warned, however. Pat Boone has fallen for this thing before, and if he catches wise to your game, he will not hesitate in making you eat your own still-beating heart. He is fast, unpredictable, and balls-out merciless.

3. Throw Down - If you are out biking in the woods in such foggy conditions, you should have known that there would be a great chance that you run into a feral Pat Boone. Mace and Pepperspray are useless against him, and so are many conventional weapons. Firearms only seem to anger him, and tasers only seem to turn him on. Your best course of action is a jumping sidekick to his right side, in the pentagram branded directly above the kidney. When he was dipped into the bath of immortality by Muddy Waters, the branding iron burned off all of the mystical powers in that area. By aiming for the emblem that is forever burned in his flesh, you can make sure to make short work out of Pat Boone.

Yes, he's a classic singer and a footnote in rock and roll history, but that does not mean you can just approach him willy nilly without any precaution. Pat Boone maulings have skyrocketed 57% this year, leaving the whole world nervous and clutching there lead pipes and crowbars before they go outside, not that they'd do any help since he eats metal. But by keeping these tips in mind, you can make you to escape the clutches of Pat Boone... barely.

Friday, July 20, 2007

How do I tell if my son is gay?

Thanks to Hollywood, gay is spreading like a plague. A certain movie, staged in the old west, is poisoning our children’s minds with its extremist liberal ideals. Leave it to “the biz” to take something as American as a western and inject it with homosexual undertones, overtones, and middle tones.

I am of course referring to Back to the Future Part III.

Since that fateful day in 1990, good, well-natured, God-fearing parents are living with a constant fear of their sons turning gay, or as they refer to it on the street, gay.

So how can you, concerned parents, know once and for all and put your minds at ease? Luckily, gays are creatures of habit, which makes it easier for us as we try to catch them off guard in their daily rituals. Through thorough field research (in a totally straight way) I have discovered 3 noticeable signs that will tip you off as to the status of your son’s sexual orientation.

1. Shedded skin. Every 28 days, a gay will shed his entire epidermis. The scientific reasoning behind this? As you’re well aware, gays on average are better looking than straight men, no doubt be it a result of their top notch clothing and fashion choices. However, in order to effectively battle metrosexuals in terms of man prettiness, gays have evolved this skin shedding technique to make their complexions always look flawless and stunning. Parents, if you find your son peeling, or better yet, a giant husk of dried skin in his room, this is a tell-tale sign that your son may very well be gay.

2. Giant group viewings of Titanic. In my studies I have found that the longer a gay male goes without viewing Titanic, he will become continually more sickly and lethargic. As a result, it is very common in the gay community to throw “Titanic Parties.” If your son comes home from soccer practice (a sport already big in the gay underground) with some friends, and they pop in the Titanic VHS, already beginning to show wear from use, that is a definite light red flag.

3. Turtleneck sweaters. ‘Nuff said.

I am constantly in the research process, so new findings may arise. I pride myself in the fact my friends call me the “Jane Goodall of gays,” a title I hope to take to the grave with me, so parents, stay posted for new findings! Until then, happy hunting!

Wednesday, July 18, 2007

D.I.Y. Time!: How to make your own soaps

Fresh scented anti-bacterial hand sanitizer, or SOAP, is common and free in public washrooms. However, if you want the excitement of soap in your own home, it'll cost you. For years, the fat cats at Johnson & Johnson and Colgate-Palmolive have been making monkeys out of you, and not even the cool kind of monkeys that solve crimes, check into hotels, or skateboard. The lame monkeys who just hang out in trees, throwing feces, and wishing they could be like us. Stop throwing poop and become a man/woman by learning how to make your own soap from household products!

Gather the materials - Obviously, you need the items before you can even think about making some fresh scented anti-bacterial hand sanitizer in the privacy of your own home. We'll go about this in the order of the acronym.

  • First, the fresh scent. For this you will want to get a bunch of bananas. It does not matter on whether you want to smell like bananas, this is merely the easiest fruit to deal with when making a soap. Once you get the hang of it, you can move on to better things. For now though, bananas.
  • The materials needed for the anti-bacterial part are kinda tricky. As you know, some insects have healing agents in their body, like that Egyptian beetle that can give you immortality or something (I saw "The Mummy" while tripping balls, so some of the finer details are hazy.) The bug you need for the job is your everyday lice, which can be easily picked from animals and ill-kept friends and family. To be safe, gather about 2 pounds of them.
  • The actual hand sanitizer is how you hold the both fresh scent and the anti-bacterial qualities of lice and banana together. It is my pleasure to inform you that the materials you need to bond this materials is under your nose. A few feet lower. And around the corner. Yes, feces are the best way to marry these items. I know what you're thinking, but this is the most cost-effective way to make soap by a good 10 dollars, and you wouldn't be reading this now if you wanted to spend money. Therefore, waste is the winner!
Assembly - Like making a batch of cookies, this requires adding ingredients to the mixing bowl on time intervals. First you take your lice and pour them into the bowl. Then, using a pestle or a femur as a tool, grind the lice to powder small. After about 3 minutes of vigorously beating the lice to the tune of "Also sprach Zarathustra," by Richard Strauss, better known as Ric Flair's theme music, unwrap a banana, add it to the mix, and continue beating it until banana and lice are mixed into a substance I like to call "liceana." Once liceana is achieved, continue mixing until you've read all of the next paragraph and know what you have to do.

Liceana is an unstable union, and if you do not add human waste within a seconds, all of the fresh scent and anti-bacterial properties will be lost. This means that you will have to fling your feces quickly into the bowl. After said deed is done, mix for another 30 seconds. Then jar the soap and microwave it for 30 minutes, followed by 10 minutes of room temperature, then followed by keeping it stored in a refrigerator overnight. The next morning, pour it into an old soap dispenser.

Admire your hard work! You have successfully made your very own soap! It might not look like something Johnson & Johnson would sell, but you'll witness first hand how much better it works than their watered-down products. Now you can raise your bubbly fist in defiance to those fat cats and yell about how you'll never be played as a monkey again!

Monday, July 16, 2007

How do I pull a memorable senior prank?

Ah, the senior prank. The last of three huge cornerstones in a young adult’s life. The first two of course being earning the fireworks show after entering a castle in Super Mario Bros. and watching a Christopher Guest movie.

But the time is upon you! Seventeen and eighteen year olds commit countless senior pranks, so what can you do to set yourself apart? Unfortunately, I cannot guide you directly, for a true memorable prank cannot be taught because it comes from the heart. I will however, recount my own senior prank in exquisite detail so you can take the necessary wisdom from it and apply it to your own escapades. The name of my epic prank? The Ol’ Switcheroo.

The Prelude

This prank required some planning beforehand, and in order to fully understand the genius behind it, I will be more than happy to include the planning procedure.

Mr. O’Malley was a Korean War vet who lived a few towns over and ran his own butcher shop. During the war, Mr. O’Malley took friendly fire to his lower back. Given the immediate medical attention he received, the wound was not life threatening, but it caused him to live with constant lower back pain. The young Private who wounded O’Malley was barely eighteen years old, and despite O’Malley being a young man himself, the incident caused him to develop a strong distaste for teenagers of any generation.

I had to befriend this man, for this plan required the use of his butcher’s shop. I made small talk with him every other day, and offered to do odd jobs around the shop without payment. Eventually, he stopped being standoffish and a nice relationship blossomed. Mission 1 of 2 accomplished.

The other crucial part of the plan was finding a teacher I didn’t like who had a son or daughter that attended school nearby. Fortunately for me, my biology teacher, Mr. Stansick had a daughter named Christina that attended the same school where her father taught.

The Prank in Action

Christina usually hung out in front of school with her friends till about 3:45 and got a ride with her dad. On the days her father was staying later after school, she would walk over to her aunt’s about 12 blocks away. I waited for one of the walking days.

Christina knew me from a few classes, and we exchanged pleasantries once in a while, which made the next step very easy.

As she was walking to her aunt’s house, I nervously bumped into her. I began to awkwardly stammer slowly working toward the fact I was trying to ask her out. My nonsocial babbling allowed my friends to get into position. Before she could turn me down, my friends leaped into action and threw a burlap sack over her head and began to haul her towards the trunk of my car. She started to scream, but my buddy Ron broke her nose and that shut her up right quick. In hindsight, I’m not even sure if he broke her nose, because it was hard to tell with the bag over her head, but he really started wailing on what we believed to be the head portion of the sack.

We then drove a few towns over to O’Malley’s butcher shop. I already gave him the 411 about the plan and he was extremely excited about the whole thing since he was in a position to change his store location, so he already put the store up for sale, and given the poor state of the market at the time, it wasn’t going to sell anytime soon. We dumped her in the back of the butcher shop, still in the bag, locked it up tight and got the hell out of there and never looked back.

Sometimes we look back and laugh about ol' Christina still trapped in O’Malley’s old butcher shop with only the cold, unforgiving embrace of meat hooks to keep her company.

In retrospect, calling it The Ol’ Switcheroo doesn’t make much sense, since we didn’t really replace her with anything, but we were young and careless.

Friday, July 13, 2007

How do I get a song out of my head?

Since music was birthed in 1982, humans have struggled with having songs seemingly trapped in their brain, finding little recourse but to throw themselves off cliffs or in front of cars in order to silence the infernal riffs of Tommy Tutone. It was not uncommon for someone to try to tough out a song for three or four weeks, only to succumb to "musical suicide" or what is better known as Pac-Man Fever Syndrome. The condition was immortalized in what is now known as one of the most emotionally charged songs of all time, "Only the Good Die Young (By Listening to Music and Getting It Stuck In Their Heads)" by Billy Joel.

Luckily now, we have science to save the day! After rigorous testing, Mr. Jones and myself have found several cures to this fever. Now, we shall single-handedly save the American pop music populous!
  1. Puncture Eardrums - Yes, this might seem drastic, but drastic tunes call for drastic measures. Before you are infected by the P-M.F.S., deeply Q-tip your own and your family's ears. This is in effort to stop music suicide before it begins, by robbing yourself and loved one's own earthly right to hear. They'd thank you, if you could only read lips.
  2. Tune it out - It is much less drastic, but it commands more from your abilities to tune out all music you hear. Never let a song take root in your mind. Rather, constantly drown it out by yelling your most crazy conspiracy theories or strings of swears while walking down city blocks. People might give you looks, but you'll undoubtedly see someone using the same technique. This means both of you are fans of our literature and you have much to talk about. MATCHMAKER!!
  3. Constant rotation - This defense should only be used after you have gotten a song in your head. You are required to dive into the belly of the beast and listen to as much music as you possibly can, so your brain becomes a personal jukebox. Try jockeying tracks every week, so nothing becomes stagnant and causes brain rot. Be wary, storing too many songs in your brain will inhibit your everyday functions, causing you to become a vegetable. I suggest only two songs to switch between: Relax by Frankie Goes to Hollywood, and Ghostbusters by Ray Parker Junior.
If you are already facing imminent death, my condolences go out to you and your family. However, you are still fully able to live a full life! Come back to read the internet pamphlet "So you are going to commit musical suicide..."There is no estimated date for its publication, and I'm in no rush, so hang in there, kitty.

Wednesday, July 11, 2007

Writing Workshop: How do I make dynamic characters?

You're wrapping up your new werewolf thriller romance novel, but you can't help but notice something is missing. You know all good stories live and die by their characters, so you want make sure you go that extra mile to make compelling, believable characters. Observe as I take two boring, uninspired selections that deal with character description and turn them into pure prose gold.

Original: Matt stared drunkenly at the moon through the dirtied window of his high-rise apartment. The ringing of the phone broke the solitary silence and despite snatching it up after only the second ring, Matt was met with the taunting sound of a dial-tone.

Rewrite: Matt stared drunkenly at the moon through the dirtied window of his high-rise apartment as he took a long drag off his cigarette. The ringing of the phone broke the solitary silence and despite snatching it up after only the second ring with his prehensile tail, Matt was met with the taunting sound of a dial-tone.

First and foremost you may notice that I changed the Matt character to a smoker. Why you ask? Smoking characters are infinitely more in depth than their non-smoking counterparts. Remember, smoking is not limited to tobacco products, feel free to write a cast of characters that smoke pot, hash, hookah and back issues of Guns and Ammo. Additionally, characters with deformities allow readers that have ever suffered in the face of adversity to connect more easily with the text. In this case, people with tails would probably find themselves on the verge of tears by these two sentences alone.

Original: Enemy fire pinned Lt. Johnson in the the abandoned church. Fatigued by the weight of the late Pvt. Ward's equipment and by the bullet wound in his shoulder, Johnson began to break down and cry.

Rewrite: Enemy Kalishkinov fire pinned Lt. Johnson in the the abandoned sausage factory. Fatigued by the weight of Pope John Paul II's enchanted scepter and by the termites in his wooden shoulder, Johnson began to break down and cry tears of oil.

Specific names for firearms make you, as the all powerful author, sound more like Tom Clancy, which is always a good thing. Granted, this doesn't pertain directly to your characters, but don't forget that the author is the most important character of all!

With the inclusion of the pope's scepter, a wooden shoulder, and tears of oil the reader is forced to identify Lt. Johnson as three things: religious, a tree, and a robot. A robot tree, you say? How dynamic!

Monday, July 9, 2007

What if my son joined the Conferderate army so he can fight my other son who is defending the Union?

Like how William Shakespeare's Rent was a play within a play, your family is suffering a civil war within a civil war. The important thing is to not panic in such a situation, for there is little to no way that your son's little game of sibling rivalry can pan out.

Take this into consideration: How many different divisions of troops are there in an army? If you had to pick your Union son out of all of the different Union troops, you'd have one hellish time. What's worst is that they are all wearing the same ratty navy blue uniforms. Using advanced zebra strategies, the Union would have left you beguiled as to the sheer amount of soldiers you would have to go through until you found your son. Now imagine it is a similar deal with the South, only with gray uniforms and slaves.

So we have several different troops from different fronts, and the possibility of them fighting bothers you? What are the chances that both your sons can be in the same place and fight each other? Not bloody likely, I imagine. Even if they are on the same battlefield, do you have any idea how hard it would be to spot each other from where they are, whilst avoid cannon and musket balls?

That is why it is my great pleasure to tell you that your fears are groundless. Look at the facts! There is little possibility that your sons will kill each other. They will merely die on different battle fields distant from the land they know and their mother's warm embrace. Chances are that they will be hastily thrown into a mass grave, most likely shot dead from friendly fire.

If death is unkind to them and let's them linger, they will be brought back to base, where the arms and legs they were shot in must be amputated in order to stop the spread of gangrene. If your sons are resilient enough, they might not die due to the massive blood lost during the traumatizing operation, but will most likely waste away at your very home, depressed that they gave an arm/leg defending their country.

Life won't be the same after that day, even though you'll try your best to cheer them up. They simply aren't the same people they once were. Their trademark humor is gone now. Gone like the autumn leaves as the Winter months are approaching. "Christmas," you say to yourself. "Christmas will cheer us all up and we'll be a happy happy family again!" It's mid-December and you have the perfect gift for your sons and everything seems to be righting itself out. You can't wait to see the look on their faces when they open up their presents and see that you got them JUST the thing! On Christmas Eve, you walk into the shed to hide the recently wrapped gifts. That's where you see your sons, hanging from the rafters with a tear-stained letter limply hanging out of their pockets. You are called a hero, a savior, a saint, but nothing you could have would have saved them, for even though they were alive, their soul was taken on the battlefield.

If your family is black, your son is a stupid, stupid man.

Friday, July 6, 2007

How do I become a good stand up comedian?

So, you've spent the better part of your Friday night at a comedy club and you're having a pretty good time, but you can't help but notice that a lot of the comedians are recycling the same cliched bits over and over again. You, however, set aside this observation and give the next comedian the benefit of the doubt. After all, this next comedian is a prop comic so the situation is thick with potential. Not to mention you are lucky enough to catch a quick glimpse of him unpacking a silly hat, further sweetening the deal.

He steps up behind the mic and immediately you are disappointed. Ten seconds into his gig he's using the very same “Five guys jerking off on a Shetland pony” joke you have heard from your grandfather countless times before. He then immediately follows it up by talking about how he wants to shit in the Pope's hat, the very same thing your mother would yell to a room full of people, wine glass in hand, at any and all family gatherings.

So you start to think maybe you can do stand up. I mean come on, you're more original than these guys! But how can you ensure you stay off the dusty, well-traveled road of comedy cliches?

Look no further aspiring comedian, for I have compiled some basic comedy walk-throughs for a budding comedian such as yourself.

  • Before you start your gig, make sure you yell the name of the city you are in. People love clapping and wooping for a city name, it's a simple behavior that was coded into our DNA as cavemen during the Renaissance. Make sure you say the right city you're currently in, because failure to get the city name correct will make people think you're mentally challenged. With that being said however, coming across as mentally challenged might help increase draw to your act, the same way people go out of their way to watch the Special Olympics.

  • Swear a lot. People love laughing at swear words. Making up new swears is guaranteed to be met with boisterous laughter. Try combining two swears to make one awesome swear, like “shitbitch.”

  • Get the audience involved. Being able to work the room is an invaluable skill. For example, if some guy is wearing a hat, say “Nice hat, fucker.”

  • Inside jokes are a must! There is a reason you and your good drinking buddy Tim break out into hysterics every time you say “Get down!” in thick Scottish accents. It's funny! Do not hesitate to go into excruciating detail to key the audience in on why it's so funny. If this, for whatever reason, does not get laughs, just say “You had to be there.” and call the guy wearing a hat a fucker again.

  • Have fresh, new content. If you only do one thing right, make sure it's this. In case you're having trouble thinking of new bits, I have taken the liberty of listing some ideas of jokes that should get you on your feet. Word of warning however: these jokes are very much ahead of their time, and extensive use of them may cause you to single-handedly usher in a new age of comedy.

  1. The differences between women and men

  2. The differences between white and black people

  3. The differences between America and everywhere else

  4. The differences between Republicans and Democrats

  5. The differences between rich people and poor people

  6. The differences between gay people and straight people

  7. The differences between being single and being married

  8. The differences between current president and past presidents

  9. The differences between you and your crazy family.

  10. The way the old man feeding the ducks at the park always stabs you when you ask him what time it is.

Consider the past information a Comedian starter-kit, there's a lot more you have yet to learn. May I remind you, we haven't even touched on drug references!

Wednesday, July 4, 2007

What if I suspect that the can of soda I am about to open will spray everywhere?

So you just got a Crystal Pepsi out of the fridge, and due to the slippery condensation, you lose your grasp of it. As it hurtles towards the ground, you panic and hope that it does not spray open on impact, dousing your socks with individual toes in rich sugary tastiness. Prayers are answered when it doesn't crack open, but now you have a myriad of questions ahead of you. When is the right time to open this can? How can I expedite the decarbonization of this drink?! Do they even make socks like these anymore?

Since its creation by Soda Popinski in the late 1930s, drinks like Fresca or Green River are opened with an underlying fear that the carbonation built up inside will erupt like a volcano, sending precious soda high into the air. Though having a soda shower seems like it'd be amazing fun, be forewarned: pop showers are the leading cause of shame, wet T-shirt contests, and sleep apnea. So how do you avoid such a problem? By following some tried and true methods of reducing carbonation in a can/bottle of pop/soda/soda-pop.

  • Tap the lid - Science mandates that the more you tap on the top of a can or on the cap of a bottle, the more you lessen the bubbles forming inside the container. The reason behind this is that the bubbles inside hate any sort of drum rhythm, the very foundation of most music. With this logic, find a record with a great deal of bass and rest your pop on the speaker. Make sure the music is very loud and leave the room for awhile. A half an hour later, come back into the room and enjoy your smooth beverage!
  • Rising Temperature - Carbonation and bubbles, much like lonely or ugly women, learn to give up when they are in heat. What you do is enter a nearby kitchen and put the can of pop in the microwave (if you have a bottle, replace microwave with oven or furnace). Set the timer and leave the room for awhile. A half an hour later, come back into the room and enjoy your smooth beverage!
  • Alone time - When a pop fizzles up, it's important to give it time by itself for some much needed introspection. Give the soda some time to think in its favorite place, an empty clothes dryer set on tumble press. A half an hour later, come back into the room and enjoy your smooth beverage!

Carbonation is a cruel mistress, but hopefully with these tips and tricks, your can won't crack "under pressure!"

Monday, July 2, 2007

What if I become aware of my own surprise party ahead of time, effectively ruining “the surprise?

Authors note: I, Mr. Jones, have recently been mailed an informational flyer about a very interesting political party called the CFL (Cannibals For Liberty). Having had my interest effectively piqued by the presentation of the brochure, (such an effective use of color!) I chose to sit in on one of their meetings and it’s clear that this is the political party for me. I know stand a more enlightened, passionate person. However, I will not let my newly found political views affect my sage-like advice. With that being said, let’s move on.

If you find yourself accidentally becoming aware of your own surprise party, chances are your parents are throwing the party. This is understandable, because the average parent offers a limitless supply of disappointment.

In a perfect world, once we reach breeding age we would turn and devour our parents, feasting on the massive amounts of nutrients their bodies, ripe with age and experience, have to offer. Not only could you live off a single parent for an extremely long time, but this practice could effectively counteract the longer average life span that comes as a result of countless medicinal breakthroughs over the years that ultimately contribute to the overpopulation of our planet. Sadly, eating parents is not standard procedure (yet) so you’ll have to hang tough through crappy surprise parties.

On the off chance that the people throwing the party are not your parents, the following tips are still applicable. Just realize you have some pretty lame friends that can’t even throw a decent surprise party. I also feel we should eat our friends’ nutrient-rich bodies when we reach breeding age, more or less for the same reasons for eating parents, but I digress.

Nonetheless, you should avoid catastrophe if you remember these three basic things:

  • Make sure they have no idea you are aware of the surprise. This should be priority number one. Avoid using words like party, birthday, or surprise in everyday speech. Not only will this cover your tracks, but it also encourages the use of synonyms!
  • Make sure your moment of “surprise” is believable. Remember, act natural. Do not, I repeat, do not milk the moment. If you normally wouldn't swear loudly, hardcore dance or pole vault over grandma when legitimately surprised, don't do it here.
  • Devour party-goers. This is the moment you were waiting for. Social gatherings are key for getting people to further our cannibal agenda. Be polite, make plenty of eye contact and smile a lot, but most importantly make sure all exits are effectively blocked, locked or sealed. People are more likely to listen to idealisms of a happy, enthusiastic cannibal especially if they're trapped and are without choice. Also, do not hesitate to eat someone as an example. It's amazing what people will comply to if it means not getting eaten.

Remember: by following these tips you are protecting yourself from disaster and laying the blueprints to allow our fellow cannibal brethren to eat our way to a better future.