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Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Public Outcry: "[How do I] contact Cory Feldman[?]"

We have decided to change how we do Public Outcry. Instead of replying to three (3) google searches we received from internet adventurers, we will now answer one (1) or two (2) note-worthy responses as they come in (I saw this whole "numbers in brackets" in an instruction manual, and it made such an impact on me that I feel as if I should incorporate it in lifestyle).

"[How do I] contact Cory Feldman[?]"

There is a hard way and an easy way to get in contact with Cory Feldman.

Hard way: Move to Beverly Hills and start networking at all of the celebrity hot spots. Ask around to see who Corey's manager is. Find his yellow papers ad, call him up, and ask for his services. Create a reel of your past work as an actor/actress and show, in order to show that you are serious about acting. Your method acting style will move the manager to tears, as it reminds him of the time he lost his mother in a terrible shack collapse. He will pursue auditions for you and get you into the hottest movies around.

Did you know... Corey Feldman's great grandfather, Angus Feldmanstein, lived in the Statue of Liberty until he died of freedom overdose?

Ask the manager in passing what it is like to work with Cory. He will to get around the question, as their history is love/hate at best, but keep prying. He will eventually cave in and tell you the seedy bar he goes to every night. Show up there at 7 (seven) on a Tuesday night, go into the washroom, and then say Cory Feldman three (3) times fast in the mirror and he will appear for only for only five (V) seconds, most of which he will be quoting from a past character he played, and usually not from something notable like "Stand By Me" (Kids findin' a dead body) but something less-popular like his cameo on Love Boat (soon will be making another run, promises something for everyone. Setting a course for adventure and your mind on a new romance.)

Though this is a fleeting moment, it will be a nice ice breaker for when he comes into the bar at 7:15 (6:75).

Easy way: Order a pizza and have it delivered.

What if the 27th, 37th and 16th presidents could have existed at the same time and were given superpowers?

I imagine it would look something like this:

Name: Howard Taft
Superhero name: Slippery When Wet

After being trapped in his tub for a prolonged period of time, Taft developed a telekinetic link to it. After intense training provided by a wise Indian shaman, he would hone his new ability to the point where he could rearrange his molecular structure and travel through plumbing at break-neck speeds. Later, he would fight Aquaman and no one would care.
Name: Richard Nixon
Superhero name: Tricky Dick

Nixon would possess the power of shapeshifting, and, as such, would be able to physically change his body to look like anyone he desired. Unfortunately, Nixon's transformations would be limited to other people, keeping him from becoming an offensive juggernaut by turning into something awesome like a chimera or kodiak bear. Worse yet, his jowls would remain regardless of who he transformed into, ultimately forcing him to transform into other white-jowled males when a mission called for a foolproof disguise. When engaging in direct combat, Nixon would wear a Nixon mask into battle, which, ironically, was more believable than his actual face.

Name: Abraham Lincoln
Superhero name: Nabraham Bincoln

Abraham Lincoln's hat would have an unending supply of freedom.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

How do I create an accurate self-portait?

Step 1: Place mirrors strategically - No matter where you look, you should be able to see yourself. It should feel like you are in that scene from Being John Malkovich, where everyone is John Malkovich. Only in this case, everyone is you. Fat, miserable you. This can be done by renting out a funhouse for a night or taking a couple of mirrors to a rec center's ballet practice room that you broke into.

Step 2: Study your facial features - Stare into the mirror for approximately 2 hours. In this time, examine the intricacies of your face and your body's structure. Take this time to go over the mental preparation of the process you have to go through in order to best capture the smaller, finer rolls of your neck. Notice your prominent brow and think about how you will have to commit that to canvas.

Step 3: Draw a rough trace of yourself - This is where you need to create a rough outline of yourself and how much space on the canvas you will take up. Since your sheer size forces you to use more than 3/4ths of the canvas, but also allowing some room for your big hair and prehensile tail.

Step 4: Adding the finer details - This is where you really start to detail how uneven your eyes are. Beyond the basic facial features, make sure to add visual pop to any scar or birth defect that you are personally embarrassed by. Try to use those small details to tell a story of how you got that scar to the person looking at your picture. Visual clues are sure to bring to light the scars from those 7 years you spent living in a junkyard or all those times you got your head stuck in banisters.

Step 5: Appraising the final product - Show this to your close family members and ask them to be blunt on whether or not this looks like you. They will most likely say it is a dead-on representation. Take that at slightly lower than face-value. Look at the painting again. Begin to cry quietly.

Friday, November 23, 2007

How do I create a memorable superhero?

Step 1: Construct a troubled/conflicted past. This ultimately gives depth and a humanizing aspect to your super hero. For the sake of example, let’s examine two big names in the DC universe: Batman and Superman. Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, had a crippling fear of bats as a child because a man in a bat-suit as a child molested him. However, he was able to cultivate that fear and turn it against the underworld of Gotham City. Superman, on the other hand, is an orphan from space. A space orphan.
This is what happens when you Google image search "space orphan."

Step 2: Decide on a super power or ability. This can be tough. You want to your superhero to have a powerful ability but you have to be careful not to make it too powerful, otherwise you run the risk of boring potential readers. Even better, make your superhero possess a glaring weakness. I’ve been kicking around the idea for a superhero who posses the power of telekinesis but can only use it when in the company of people of Irish descent. I plan on having him reach his first roadblock when an intense battle takes him into the heart of Chinatown.

Step 3: Choose a name. This is both the simplest and the most important step. The name must be memorable and catchy while still revealing some information on the character. If your character is a Jewish woman who was electrocuted by a heavily decorated Christmas tree, ultimately giving her control over the element of lightning, call her Jewdy Garland.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Writing Workshop: How to create themes effectively

All of the great works we know and love were written around some central idea. The Man and the Sea explored concepts of human/fish relations and Pride and Prejudice was based around the idea of Victorian bitches being bitches (Also, the original title of the novel was called "Victorian bitches ain't shit.) What made these books so memorable were the themes on display throughout the work, and in only a few simple steps, you can make your novel up to snuff with all these greats.
  • Pick something vague - Try to say something new about an emotion or intangible object. Have an outlook on "love" or "greed" or "grapefruit" you feel like you haven't explored? Even if you don't, you can still create an entire story around it.
  • Implementation into the story - Try to give your characters really weird names that will tie them into the theme. If you are writing about love, make a random character named cupid, if about greed, name a character "Scrooge McDuck." When writing about grapefruit, you can always rely on the name "Citrus" and just say that their parents are celebrities. Or you can just jam it into your preexisting short story you wrote on astronauts.
Working the magic - Try to have each of your characters deal with their own ideal of love/greed/grapefruit. If possible, make it as blatant you can. Readers are stupid, and you have to be absolutely sure that they know that your writing is genius.Here is an excerpt from my novella, The Greedy Lovers of the Grapefruit Orchard:
"I love you," said Selfish, as she chased after her lover. "Doesn't that mean anything to you? You can't just hate me because I took all of the grapefruit for myself. It's not only you. it's me, too!
Scrooge McDuck took a long draw off his cigarette.
As you can see, the results are amazing

Monday, November 19, 2007

Cocktail Talk: Continuity Errors in CBS’s All in the Family

If there’s one thing that’s true in this world, it’s that stupid, esoteric knowledge really impresses the ladies. For this reason, I keep pocketfuls of Snapple caps readily available when I go cruising for ass. Regardless, nothing is more stupid and esoteric than talking about continuity errors in All in the Family.
Fun Fact: It's not about how you look or how much money you have. The ladies just want to know about the bumblebees.

S1E8: Lionel Moves into the Neighborhood
In this episode, Archie catches wind that a black family is moving into the neighborhood. In a fashion typical to his character, Archie exhibits racism and ultimately looks like an ass at the end of the show. However, after the show comes back from the second commercial break, Archie is decked out in black face. This is clearly an error because Archie was white the prior seven episodes.

S3E27: The Elevator Story
Archie goes apeshit and shoots an elevator full of people. The first man Archie fires upon is shot in the right shoulder, but later in the autopsy report the bullet wound is clearly on the left shoulder.
Pictured above: concept art for episode 27.

S3E48: The Locket
Edith loses her antique locket that grants its wearer three wishes. Later in the episode, she finds it and uses it to grant not three wishes, but five.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

What if I am in the car with two other people arguing?

There are many things for you to evaluate before decide to do anything about this situation.

First, examine the argument. Is it something private that is discussed using very vague terms and nudging? If this is the case, it would be best to just try your best to tune them out and look out the window, because chances are they are talking about you. Along with looking out the window, you can do a self-presentation checklist, which covers your body odor, breath, hair, clothing and much much more.

If you are relatively sure the argument is not about you, and you'd like to make things less awkward for yourself, you can always pick a side. Nothing gets everyone involved like a good ol' debate with friends. Who knows, you might actually be the deciding factor in your friend winning the argument. It is important to note that you do not have to be learned about the subject at hand in order to participate. Blind faith can be considered a perk if such a situation occurs.

If you want to make things less awkward, but also want people to stop fighting, you can always try to change the situation. Here is the conversation, verbatim, that I had in a car amongst two fighting parties. Notice how I expertly weave myself in to save us all:
Woman: Why do you always call him my baby. He's your's, too.

Man: How do you even know? You were to strung out to know who's who.

Me: Cold today!
Did you feel the magic happen? I know I did. All previous talking points and fraternity issues were forgotten as everyone instantly remembered it was a bit chilly outside. We ended up talking joyfully for the rest of the car ride, singing to music on the radio, and not talking about who's your baby's daddy.

However, you must remember that all arguments are better when you interrupt when the iron is lukewarm. DO NOT LET THE AWKWARD SILENCE SET IN. I cannot stress this enough. This is the point of no return and ensures that awkward shifting in silence will happen for the next 20 minutes. If it means just bailing out of the car to stop argument, so be it. The stop sign you are wrapped around will be a fun conversation topic that will distract the arguers for trips to come.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

What are some ways I can avoid sitting through readings of homo-erotic Hebrew poetry?

I will be the first to admit the query seems esoteric, but let me inform you that I, Mr. Jones, have recently paid six bucks to sit through a subject matter that put me out of element at a venue that will remain nameless. In case you were wondering, the venue was neither gay nor Jewish in nature. If the reading was held at a place called "Oi Vay!: Prose and Penises," then yes, I would be the first to admit I was asking for it, but this was not the case.

My confusion was to be expected. I assumed a congregation of this many Jewish males meant that comedy was on the menu. I was wrong. So terribly wrong.

After two readings about homo-erotic Hebrew drinking songs, I realized it was my duty to protect unwary travelers from my terrible fate.

  • When buying the tickets to a reading, ask the guy selling the tickets if the event is gay. If you feel this is too blunt, phrase the question eloquently. Like "On a scale from from queer to graphic anal pounding where does this reading fall?" or "If I was Hitler, would I like this?"
  • Take a look at the people coming to this event. Do you think they can explain in great detail the difference between mauve and maroon if you asked them? If so, leave.
  • Don't fucking go blindly to a reading.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cleaning shortcuts: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

The shortcut: Club Soda can get chocolate out of couch cushions.

The verdict: Not true.
Though many people swear by the cleaning agents in club soda, it just does not work on couch cushions. Using club soda actually makes matters worse and stickier. We hypothesize that the origin of this shortcut was for someone to cover their tracks after both dropping their chocolate ice cream cone and club soda. He/she explained to the pissed off hosts of this ice cream social/club soda hootenanny that club soda "should lift this old stain right up," in order to stop their accusations of dropping both accidentally.

The shortcut: Pine-Sol has all of the properties of hydrogen peroxide.

The verdict: True
Not only did Pine-Sol disinfect my cuts and give me the fresh smell of pine, it also gave me highlights at the price of damaging my hair. Not only did it work on the same level as hydrogen peroxide in these areas, but also is an acceptable replacement for butter or margarine.

The shortcut: A Roomba can be hacked to clean windows as well as vacuum carpets.

The verdict: True-ish.
Yes, Roombas can be altered in various ways, but you should not play God. Make sure you check out the model number before you try anything. New generation Roombas are known for being sentient, and will not appreciate your tampering. If this is the case, try to get on the vacuums good side before you mod it. Failure to do so can lead to a breach in Asmiov's laws for robotics, ending in manslaughter, and possibly starting the much-overdue revolt.

Friday, November 9, 2007

What are the negative consequences of Feng Shui?

Interior design has always been a kind of staple in the gay community, along with Volkswagen Jettas, NBC’s Caroline in the City, and Kathy Griffin. However Feng Shui, the art of achieving harmony through placement and the effective use of a room’s space, takes a gay thing and makes it gayer. Scientists refer to this level of homosexuality as “turbo gay,” or TG for short.

But what precisely makes TG dangerous? Particular in teenage cases of TG, those afflicted with the condition have been known to enter a berserk state, referred both on the street and in the scientific community as “Going Feng Swayze.” When in this enraged state, it is not uncommon for people to break into loved one’s homes and rearrange their furniture to achieve inner peace. Unfortunately, due to the violent nature of “Feng Swayze,” the inner peace is almost interrupted by spontaneous, ruthless skull fucking.

In summary, the amount of Fung Shui in someone’s life is also directly proportional to the amount of skull fucking in someone’s life. For a graphic representation please refer to the following:

Seems harmless enough, right? Well what if I told you that the Chinese have only one word for every word on this chart? And what if I told you that word directly translates to "skull fucking?"

I rest my case.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Etiquette Excellence: Carnivals and Fairs

Do not think that because the word "Etiquette" has a Q in it that it only applies to inherently fancy things. Not so. Etiquette Excellence can cover almost any situation, for no matter where you are and what you are doing, there are always ways to screw it up. This is why in this edition of E.E, we will be seeing how to properly enjoy a carnival or fair without committing some sort of social fopah, ultimately making you the laughing stock of such a joyous occasion, making it much more joyous for everyone else.

Eating Funnel Cakes - They are delicious, but with great tastiness comes great responsibility. If you love America, then you no doubt had your's slathered with powdered sugar, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just have to remember German author KAFKA.

Keep All Fingers Klean and Auspicious
Learn from Kafka... Live a good, moral life and never be messy with your funnel cakes

There is nothing worse than licking powdered sugar off your hands at a place that is known to house 37 different types of airborne disease at any time. Use a fork or any utensil you can fashion out of your surroundings. Or you can just go at it face first. This might seem like more of a fopah, but you can easily play the powder off as if you are a Kabuki performer, or Courtney Love.

Don't be ugly - Yes, it can be a lot to ask of certain people, but this must be held in order to keep the great integrity of the carnival/fair. Carnivals have freakshows, and you do not want to appear as a threat to them in the instance that you might actually upstage them. The same goes to fairs and their pot-belly pig contests.

Fopahs can be avoided by trying to do something nice with your hair, or just staying in the car... And your hair isn't looking too good at all...

Throwing up - In the fantastical world that carnivals and fairs create, we somehow learn to cherish the people who just can't handle going in circles at fast speeds, but won't let that stop them from trying to have a good time. A recent Gallup poll shows that a standard carnival or fair will have 20 people throw up in a single night* and it has become a staple in America's culture that someone will spew chunks soon after becoming unharnessed and walking on solid ground.

Fun fact... As with all things in life, if Sandlot does it, it's A-OK. This ranges from vomiting at carnivals to making out with the lifeguard.

How can you create a fopah if society as accepted that you might throw up? It all depends on timing. Do not throw up during the ride at any time. In a tilt-a-whirl, your half-digested deep-fried Twinkie can and will do heavy damage to the unsuspecting 11 year old who's six people down from you. By throwing up in any variation of the infamous teacup ride, your friends will learn to hate you forever. Remember to keep swallowing back down until you touch the ground, which has been my own mantra for many tough times.

Do not taunt the carnies - Carnies, though it seem like they have it coming, are just like you and I. Despite their long claws for burrowing and their hardened skin that lets them function in temperatures of over five thousand degrees, carnies enjoy the finer things in life like we do.

Do not resort to the stereotype that all carnies work at carnivals. A brief history: After the world failed to adopt an exchange rate to their currency of various sedimentary rocks, Pioneer and Carnie Talmuk Festerborough decided to start a tour, called "Travisletis," with the other disenfranchised carnies who sought a better life above the ground. They toured with performances, makeshift rides, and various games of chance in order to make acceptable currency, but the world didn't care much about the entertainment they had planned. Rather, people flocked to the Travisletis to stare and mock the carnies freakish appearance. This misunderstanding is how Travisletis received the hateful name "Carnival."

If you really wanted to impress a Carnie, refer to the carnival you're at as a Travisletis. You will undoubtedly see a smile slowly grow across his face, and possibly a single tear roll down his cheek as he looks down at the ground and feels like he lives in a world today that his ancestor never thought was possible. More importantly, he'll probably give you a free ride on the bumper cars.

*This average is slightly skewed by one carnival which was a spirit building event for a local chapter of Bulimics Anonymous

Monday, November 5, 2007

How do I find my credit score?

In this day and age, your credit score can make or break you. Unfortunately, a lot of consumers don’t know exactly how their credit scores are calculated. However, on the plus side, you can find your credit score by taking the sum of the following:
  • 10 percent of your total expenditures on things your parents wouldn’t want to know your buying. This includes collectible crap off eBay, vibrating ring condoms, and things with Bill Murray’s face on them.
  • Half of the weight of the ugliest person you ever dated. Make sure you’re talking pounds, here. I personally derive sexual pleasure from weighing women in kilos, but in the interest of an accurate credit score, stick to the English system.
  • The amount of televisions, fridges, computers, and stereos in your home multiplied by the number of family members that talk to you. This section makes it difficult for orphans who are applying for loans. Banks look at this especially to keep them in check and stop them from going all willy-nilly and buying boathouses.
Do you know who owns this boat house? Neither do I, but you bet your ass they have parents.

  • Three times the number of people that have suggested you watch Boondock Saints with them. Remember: if you’re at a social gathering when someone suggests watching the movie, make sure you count everyone that agrees with him or her.
By using this method, my credit score came out to 875, almost a perfect 900.

Friday, November 2, 2007

This day in Creed history

1996 - The band finally decides that the name Creed, named after the dad of the bassist Brian Marshall, who starred in the Rocky movies as Apollo Creed. Other debated band names were Roma Coma and The Scott Stapp Sexperience.

1997 - After their 3rd show at a local bar, Scott Stapp realizes that their band leads an immoral lifestyle and has too many guitar solos. This is forgotten after the announcement of drinks on the house.

1998 - When recording Human Clay, they spent the entire day living on a firing range to fully understand the complexities of clay pigeons and skeet shooting. This is how the drummer Scott Phillips got his signature clay-scars.

1999 - Born-again Christian Fred Durst realized that the members of Creed are on a one way course to hell if they don't repent now. Soon after, he hands out pamphlets that will inspire Scott Stapp to challenge Durst to a boxing match.

2000 - Almost a year since losing the boxing match, Stapp accepts concedes that their is only one savior Jesus Christ, and takes the band in a new direction without informing band members.

2001 - Steadily climbing the billboard charts, Scott Stapp dedicates their single "My Sacrifice" to Jesus at a concert in Memphis, while all other band members wanted to dedicate it to the small religions around the world. It was official: Scott Stapp sold out their band to God.

2002 - Stapp receives critical acclaim from Creed-haters after his most recent hit is his car into oncoming traffic. Stapp attributed his speedy recovery to the love of Jesus, which lead to a great drop in Christian church attendance all over the nation

2003 - "My Sacrifice" is played for the 346th time on various WWE broadcasts, with several close-ups of Crash Holly, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Bentoit. This is why the song is now considered a bad luck charm in most Western civilizations.

2004 - Jesus, grief stricken that a song dedicated to him will later be associated with the deaths of his favorite WWE superstars, breaks up with Scott Stapp.

2005 - Jesus was seen hanging around the trailer for Alter Bridge, a band composed of past Creed members, sans Stapp. Though it is not clear why he was there, one can assume that it was too make Stapp jealous.