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Thursday, May 29, 2008

How do I sneak items into a prison?

Our prison system is nothing to scoff at. Yes, we still have repeat offenders and you taxpayers still have to dump a lot of money into it, but that does not mean that it isn't well-maintained. Rather, prisons are surprisingly strict institutions which make you shower naked with other men. I know this, because I once served something that people might call "tough time" in the "bird house." I am an ex-con, but I am not here to gloat about it. I concede that my actions were wrong and I will never again call the bluff of the MLB and Upper Deck by creating my own trading cards. Nevertheless, my time in the "puke" was made much better by my friends and family who would try their best to sneak items in from the outland (a term that me and my prison kin used, meaning: the outside.)

Note: I do not advocate the use of items that can potentially break someone out of jail or end lives. If you read this and sneak in some malicious items into the "Big pot," I will personally distance myself from you and contact major broadcasting companies to tell them how stupid you are. I am here to be an assistant to help you, not break the law and cause distress to the fine guards at the "CitiBank of Broken Dreams"

The Cake
This is an old standby, and largely because it is perfectly practical in everyway. Simply bake whatever item the imprisoned loved one wants into a delicious cake and send it over. Guards never expect this, because they naturally associate cake with good tidings and legality. Also, they do not want to impose in checking or wanding the cake, as it might seem as if they are jealous that the prisoner has it so good!*

*Until the guards throw him a blanket party after lights out. It might seem harsh, but harsh is what "The Moint" is all about, kid.

Items that can be hidden
Harmonica - Is your friend a blues singer? Then this seems natural.
Recorders - Both the audio equipment and the musical instrument.
A file - NOT to make their nails pointy and knife-like, but to make sure they look nice.

The Basement
This one is limited to conjugal visits, mainly because it is hard to pull of in any other way, and trying it with anyone within your family that isn't your spouse might seem strange and unsettlingly arousing. Simply use the pockets that God gave you in order to sneak items past guards. If this feels uncomfortable at first, then you obviously have not been in prison for that long. My time spent serving at "The Ballpit" for in-fielder's trading has netted me a sphincter the diameter of a croquet ball.

Items that can be hidden
Croquet ball - Elasticity pending, and it makes a nice trophy to show to your friends
Bag of shampoo - Much like food on airlines, prison shampoo is widely regarded by stand-up comedians as the worst out there. Might as well live a little with the good stuff.
Crowbar - Only if it's a comfort item of the prisoner and would improve his quality of life by having it around.

This only implies to prisons that operate in Australia and near the Indian Ocean. Also, prisons who mainly hold inmates that are fish who have committed crimes against other fish. The upside of using a fish to sneak in contraband is that he will blend in with the rest of the fish and won't raise suspicion. Now you might think that you will never use this, but crazier things have happened. Remember that time a guy gave a lottery ticket to his waitress and it ended up being a winner so they both became millionaires? Exactly.

What items can be hidden
Algae - It is more nutrious than people give it credit for.
Fish bones - To use as toothpicks or currency
Chainsaw - For cutting down trees.

Wednesday, May 28, 2008

What do you guys know about the Democratic candidates? Please, tell us what to think!

Here at the guide, we’ve tried very hard to avoid the current political scene, as it offers little to nothing in the way of our interests (manatees, Pat Boone, Space Jam). However, my associate Leon Firestone informed me that as a member of the blogosphere, it is time for me to man up and blog about the democratic candidates.

I was not familiar with the term “blogosphere.” He informed me that it was a parallel world, much like our own, except people use jpegs of Lolcats as currency. I pointed out that sounds a lot like DC Comics’ 12-issue run of Crisis of Infinite Earths. He then retorted that no one in the DC Universe uses pictures of lolcats to buy and sell goods. He punctuated this remark by calling me a retard and hitting me with a SeaWorld paperweight.

Which, by the way, I think is a bit hypocritical. Leon has never been to SeaWorld.

So here I am, bleeding profusely because a marble bust of Shamu has gouged the area above my eyebrow. A normal man would have faltered and went to the ER, but I have a deadline to meet regardless of how many marble dorsal fin injuries I sustain.

So I will start by addressing those asking themselves, “I don’t care about the democratic primaries, why should I learn about Obama and Hilary?”

Word on the street is that Dan Brown (author of The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, and a collection of a bunch of shitty poems his creative writing teacher in college likes to look at when he’s feeling depressed), is writing a new political thriller about the stalemate in the Democratic primary where it turns out that Obama and Hilary are not only the same person but also the Dalai Lama, who, believe it or not, has been corrupted by the Catholic Church and is hoping to use the resources that come with the presidency to make a bomb that is fueled by Karma.

So by knowing the truth about the candidates, you can effectively:
  • Call shenanigans on Dan Brown
  • Make fun of people at parties that like Dan Brown

At this point, I would like note that quite an alarming amount of blood is pooling on and around my keyboard.

Barack Obama
Life Story
Standing at over nine feet tall, Obama is the tallest man to ever run for president in addition to being the sixth blackest man to run. His book, The Audacity of Hope, retells his struggle of coping with his freakishly tall stature. One chapter in particular is especially heartwarming. It tells of time that Obama, during an especially sunny day, went on a lonesome walk after being made fun of for his height. On this walk he met a small albino man and by utilizing his great height, cast a shadow so great that it shielded the man from the dangerous UV rays.

Political platform

  • Obama feels that neither evolution of creationism should be taught in schools. Instead, that particular chapter in biology will be replaced with a quantitative look at why Obama is so charming
  • He also feels something should be done about health care, abortion, same sex marriage, Iraq, and people that pop their collars.

Hilary Clinton

Life Story

Not much is known about Hilary, except people often compare her stone-faced expressions to that of a robot. Although a typical political figure might try to then humanize themselves by doing something creepy like crying in public, Hilary has gone in the opposite direction and has had her left leg replaced with a bionic one. It is this writer’s opinion that a middle-aged woman with a bionic limb is way more intimidating then a really tall black guy. After all, who knows what kind of bionic functions that leg could hold?

Political platform
  • It might involve taxes.
Despite all the blood loss I am starting to feel a little better. Although for the life of me I can’t remember my train of thought and I can’t help but notice I lack the cognitive abilities to reread what I have already wrote. As such, I will end this in a way I have always wanted: with pictures of Bill Murray:

Related Guide Entries

Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. Is he dead?
Where the fuck is the nearest hospital?
How do I replace an associate if, strictly hypothetically, he might die as a result of my actions?

Monday, May 26, 2008

How do I effectively play Jenga?

Jenga, the game of global domination, has become popular at both swanky parties and politcal war rooms. Transcending the title of kid's toy, Jenga is now on the forefront of our world's foreign affairs, as many disputes are settled with games of Jenga. It started locally with the creation of the Homestead Act, and became very important to Lincoln in a clutch game against Robert E. Lee. This was Lincoln's plan all along, as he foresaw a possible showdown and knew that Robert E. Lee had shaky hands. Hands that would later prove to be the downfall of the Confederate Army. After mending the divided house, Jenga became the trendy way to solve disputes big or small and was assimilated into foreign policy decades later by the League of Nations. It has put many international quarrels to rest and accomplished many missions, like the Cold War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Iraq War. In fact, the Cold War Jenga games hold the record for the most expansive game board assembled, and actually split East and Western Germany with it's small wooden blocks of diplomacy.

As you can see, not knowing how to win at Jenga is not only a social faux-pas, but also an inhibitor to freedom fighting. We need more people now to be able to approach Jenga with a tactile mind, because United States citizens are like blocks, and if enough of us are taken out, and stacked on top without any effort to balance itself, and the people we're playing against keeps saying "Jeeeeenga" over and over again and it really gets on our nerves, then we will fall as a nation. And a nation is hard to stack up again, even with that plastic guide they give you that usually does more harm than good.

Identify load-bearing blocks
In any building, there are somethings you just should not touch. Besides fire alarms, the muffin on the floor, and that secretary that seems just out of college but is actually the boss's 15 year old daughter, buildings have a structure that needs to be maintained for stability. If this structure is toyed with, it will undoubtedly kill many people. This is the same with Jenga, as some blocks can ruin the integrity of the tower, and that it can lead to many deaths, as seen in the game Russia V. Stalin. Identify these blocks by doing preliminary pokes at blocks of interest. If the block does not move, then move onto one you think might. Remember this saying: "If it don't budge, don't buy the fudge." In this rhyme, the fudge stands for compromise.

The Mental Game
Thomas Edison once said that the game of Jenga is 1% perspiration, 99% your mother jokes. While this was proven wrong in the game Japan V. Fat Man & Little Boy, there is still a grain of truth to it. Jenga on a diplomatic level is about psyching your opponent into making bad decisions. Since events at my Junior Prom has made me an expert in bad decisions, I contest that success in Jenga relies on putting yourself into making the opponent confused and hopefully shaken to their core, to where they will forget my previously-stated, yet infectious, jingle. What usually works best in international situations is using ugly stereotypes. They are cheap and cut to the core of your opponent. What gets tricky is trying to think what horrible things you can say to possibly underdeveloped stereotyped opponents like Luxemberg and Madagascar.

If smack talk is not your thing, there is silent intimidation, which involves intense staring. If you are feeling extra saucy, try grabbing your opponents leg at inopportune times, and then slowly working your way up to enhance your odds. You can also constantly, yet gradually go in for a kiss that rarely connects. This does not make you gay, as you are doing this on behalf of America (lesser known loophole in Gay Rules).

House Rules
Take a page out of Lincoln's book. He knew Robert E. Lee blew at Jenga, so why can't you twist things in your favor? Claim that where you play, you do not stack blocks on top after they are removed from the tower. Your opponent will begrudgingly accept your claim, and play by your rules. Now that you have gained his trust, you can create rules to further your advantage, like throwing those discarded blocks at him while he is examining what blocks he will/will not buy fudge from. He might implore you to stop, but previous agreements are binding, and he is gonna be pelted with wooden blocks for a long time. This idea of house rules is still a controversial tactic, which is why the decision from the game of Roe V. Wade remains as relevant now as it did when Roe turned the tables and won by being the first one to count to five after the tower was knocked down, and immediately followed up with a victory abortion.

Friday, May 23, 2008

How do I effectively use public protest to get what I want?

Effective picketing is a great bargaining tool to have in your arsenal. Enough people picketing for the same cause communicates two distinct messages: 1) that you and your fellow picketers are only one rogue rock throw from becoming an angry mob and are not to be fucked with and 2) you possess the ability to make signs, which only reiterates the fact you are not to be fucked with.

I’m pretty sure Tony Ja made a sign once, and I saw him kick like four guys through a door once. Not four guys at once, unfortunately, but it was still pretty cool.

Many of my most prized possessions (my first two marriages, my segway, and my freedom, to name only three) have been obtained by the use of picketing. And although the benefits are obvious, there are certain dangers. Picketing, much like fire dancing or riding a unicycle, is only beneficial when done well.

Everyone has seen a strike or something to that capacity on the news. You may have probably noticed that these groups use chants to convey their wants. Sometime these chants rhyme or contain phrases like “Mr. Jones is not licensed to operate a mammogram, don’t go in there!” No matter the chant though, make sure everyone is chanting the same thing. You would be amazed how many picket lines have failed to garner the appropriate attention in the eye of the public because only half of the picketers grew tired of the same chants over and over again and instead opted to yell lyrics from "Boys Don’t Cry" by The Cure, only to grow quickly bored of that, and yell dialog from the movie Boys Don’t Cry starring Hilary Swank.

Location is also a key factor you have to consider when picketing. Although common sense might tell you to picket outside a location relevant to your cause, it should be noted that common sense is only used by street urchins and latchkey kids, both of which don’t know a damn thing about picketing.

Instead picket in a location that simply has the most people. If you know that thousands of people will be running a marathon to raise money for cancer research, seriously consider relocating. Now you may be thinking, “A bunch of people trying to raise money for cancer seems like a poor place for me to yell about my thoughts on abortion, doesn’t it?” It’s my duty to tell you you’re wrong; more people watching you picket means more material gain.

Lastly, protests are good places to pick up women with nose rings, which, if I remember correctly, are slowly beginning to have more value than the American dollar.

Tuesday, May 20, 2008

Public Outcry: Why do girls act like their shit doesn't smell?

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

This lovely query for Public Outcry comes from an aggravated school boy from New York. He writes:

"Why do girls act like there shit doesn't smell"

Now aggravated school boy from New York, aside from a few grammatical errors, you bring up a good question. Do you remember when the teachers split your class into groups of boys and girls and made you watch different videos? What you are about to learn will negate that protection of childhood innocence.

Your answer dates back to the hunter and gatherer caveman days. Because they were constantly being attacked by sabretooth tigers, dinosaurs, woolly mammoths, and other old things, men and women were constantly on the move. In an effort to not leave any trails behind, men adapted to carrying heavy weight so he could lift everything they owned, and women adapted to not pooping. It seems childish, but Darwin streamlined the female body to completely go without any sort of bowels. So aggravated school boy from New York? You are wrong on sooo many levels.

Instead of what us males know as the stomach and the large/small intestines, the female digestive system consists of a series of cogs and conveyor belts which run on the steam of boiled blood. When a female eats food, it is swallowed and thrown in between two cogs that are at the end of the esophagus. From there, the food is put on a conveyor belt that wraps around the insides of the female. This is where tiny versions of the female inspect the food item and make sure it is digestible.

After quality assurance is taken care of, the food flows into small pipes and are kept moving by the blood's steam. It is expelled through sweat, crying, and womanly times.

Monday, May 19, 2008

How do I make the impression that I read Arthur Miller’s The Crucible?

It has been quantitatively proven (which is to say, the process involved lab coats and clipboards) that people that are familiar with the Crucible have more sex during their lifetimes than their non-Crucible-knowing counterparts. As if sex wasn’t a big enough incentive, that same study also proved those who are familiar with the Crucible also make twenty percent more annually when compared to the incomes of those who choose not to use the work Arthur Miller as a candle to light their dark, empty lives.

This study also found that people are more willing to believe anything said to them by a man in a lab coat with a clipboard. However, this, although interesting, does not have anything to do with The Crucible.

But I digress. There are two ways to give the impression you’ve read the Crucible:

Actually read it


Have someone who has read it construct a timeline of the events that take place during the play, and study that accordingly.

Although actually reading it may appear to give you a better understanding of the material, one may be surprised how effective the study-the-timeline-because-I-got-places-to-fucking-be method works.

To give a personal example, I have never seen the movie Speed. However, Leon Firestone has, and I had him construct a timeline for me to study. Every time I have been at a swanky party, (and believe you me, this happens so often it might as well be constant as my own breathing) the movie Speed comes into conversation. Maybe the conversation does not directly involve the film Speed (it could very well be a conversation about the work of Sandra Bullock), but I never fail to convince listeners that I have seen the movie. In fact, people usually applaud whenever I’m done talking about Speed.

I have taken the liberty of constructing a very thorough timeline that will, hopefully, plant the seeds for your new social life that will involve a plethora of sex.

Act I
  1. Reverend Parris prays for his daughter because she is ill.
  2. Abigail shows up and tells Parris that his daughter is sick because she has been dancing.
  3. For the next 60 pages, the two characters discuss how dancing is not permitted and is a shameful thing.
  4. Tituba, Parris’s slave, comes in and starts dancing. She is scolded.
  5. John Proctor shows up and makes sure no one is dancing. At the time of his arrival, no one is but he still gives a long-winded speech about how dancing is definitely not permitted.
Act 2
  1. Fourteen people get put in prison. This prison, much like the town, does not permit dancing.
  2. John Proctor trips on a log and his wife construes his fall as a kind of dance and the town erupts into chaos.
  3. Many people yell. About dancing.
Act 3
  1. Everyone in the entire town is placed in prison on the grounds of conspiring to dance.
  2. A twelve year old boy asks why dancing is such a crime.
  3. The town is speechless and decides to check the rule book
  4. Turns out, everyone was confusing “dancing” with “murder.” Woops!
Act 4

Friday, May 16, 2008

Travel Guide: Martha's Vineyard

Tucked away off the coast of Massachusetts, Martha's Vineyard has been a mainstay in cutesy tourism for the past hundred years. All of the richest people visit there because of how remote and secluded it is from the rest of the United States, and you can pretend you are rich too by checking out some of these places of interest.

Oak Bluffs
Oak Bluffs is known as the gingerbread house capital of the world. This is misleading, as they rarely if ever sell gingerbread, and the little they sell could not possibly be enough to build a house. Rather, the style of housing prevalent in this town of deception resemble that of gingerbread houses made in full scale. If compared to the more popular, edible gingerbread houses of our time, you will notice a definite lack of sugary fix-ins. In these houses, what should be delicious sugary treats are actually support beams, gutters and picture box windows. It looks like I called Oak Bluffs on their "Bluff." Get it? "BLUFF?!"

Did you know... that more fat kids die of internal splinters in Martha's Vineyard within a single day than anywhere else in the world?

Gay Head

This up-island town features beautiful cliffs that have been designated a national landmark! On top of that, this land is still owned by the Indian tribe who inhabited the town before we went all Manifest Destiny on their asses. Gay Head is also home to one of five very decorated lighthouses throughout Martha's Vineyard. It is getting increasingly hard to not address the origins of the towns name, so I will just say this: You know how Native American's would get their name after something observed in the immediate environment?

As an island, Martha's Vineyard is actually bordered by a series of beaches. If beaches are your thing, you should probably look into Martha's Vineyard and islands in general.

Edgartown was built in the 18th and early 19th centuries as the center of a thriving whaling industry. Most of the town's structures and roads were built on blubber, both as a export and as a physical material. The church Edgartown is built around is called the "Whaling Church," largely because the prosperity that whaling has brought the community made it clear to the citizens that there was no god, only man and a giant whale who will only give them a bountiful hunt in exchange of virgin blood. Edgartown is named after the pioneer of the land, Leonard Town.

Artists interpretation of our lord, swimming merrily in virgin blood.

Wednesday, May 14, 2008

What is a plaid collar crime and can you tell me about your experiences as a plaid-collar criminal that will deter me from such a lifestyle?

A plaid collar crime is committed when one indulges in criminal activity that directly affects a farmer. Until today, I was under the impression such a collar-crime did not exist, I now realize most of my life has been spent committing these crimes. During my college years (when I was laboriously earning my double minor in both Gay and Jewish studies) it was not uncommon for me to make a day of journeying down the road until I came upon a farmer so I could punch him in the face. I was under the impression this was a victimless crime. But my personal siege against the farmers of America started much earlier than that.

In sixth grade, I slipped into a deep depression. Like many other sixth graders, I turned to alcohol. I missed countless science fairs because instead of constructing a model volcano, I opted to spend my days and nights at the bars. And before you ask, “How did a sixth grader get into a bar?” allow me to clarify. At the age of 11 I had an impressive moustache, and, as many are aware, it is an unspoken code of conduct among bartenders that one should not deny a man with a moustache alcohol. I exploited this daily until my tender 11 year-old liver could take no more.

The moment I grew tired of complete inebriation (age 12, if I remember correctly) was about the same time that I began my life as a plaid-collar criminal. I began sleeping with farmers’ daughters. This, believe it or not, is not a plaid collar crime unless you tell a long shitty joke about the whole experience. I then moved onto sleeping with farmers’ wives, which is a plaid-collar crime regardless of the fact you tell a joke about it.

My teachers began to notice my life slipping into the plaid-colored underground when my schoolwork began to suffer. I was confronted about my criminal life style when, instead of giving of a book report, I gave a moving fifteen minute oratory to the class about which of the local wives and daughters of farmers were the best lays.

I received a B+ but only because I could name all the anatomical parts of a vagina.

My teachers (and later, my parents) concern about what I was becoming only pushed me further into the very same lifestyle they were trying to protect me from. Before I knew it, I was stealing tractors from farmers and turning them into giant bongs. Turning something that isn’t a bong into a bong isn’t really any kind of crime, but stealing a farmer’s tractor certainly is. That’s what the cops explained to me, at any rate.

I was arrested quite a few times until the judge got sick of seeing my face and gave me five years. My parents received ten years on the grounds of the worst parenting ever. I was not aware the law could incarcerate someone for being a bad parent, but I learned a lot that year. As an ironic twist, I was sentenced to serve my prison time in an establishment that housed only farmers.

The other inmates were scared of my 14-year old self. My fellow inmates were farmers but they kept this information to themselves. They knew I had a reputation and they knew better to taunt me. I can’t blame them. I was a scary dude, and they knew if they crossed me I would do everything in my power to steal their tractors and turn them into bongs.

My limited interest (limited to the point that I would only minor in both) in Gay and Jewish studies was not sparked during prison. In reality, my love for the theatre blossomed in prison. This love ultimately allowed me to channel all my hate for farmers and their kin into prison-wide productions that so clearly depicted my hate for farmers and their kin. Inmates jumped at the opportunity to be in my productions and since everyone knew the consequences of choosing to opt out of one of my plays (tractor, bong), the productions were equally impressive and successful. In the eyes of the parole board, my creative outlet qualified me for my freedom, and I only served seven days of my five-year sentence.

That calendar week changed my outlook, and I soon realized farmers are not the enemy.

I am a better man now, but unfortunately, like my aforementioned habits in college, I found myself slipping back to my old ways under times of extreme stress.

Readers, I encourage you, take what you must from this story. Do not make the same mistakes I did.

Sunday, May 11, 2008

How do I assure myself screentime on the Antiques Roadshow?

When dealing with the topsy-turvy, bizzaro world of the Antiques Roadshow, you have to keep in mind that this is a society that has values opposite of our own. Modern technology and the Millennial generation are thrown to the side to glorify old artifacts and the elderly. Not only do some find this lack of technological dependency troubling, but the very notion that they do not consider our children being the future removes any doubt that this is a culture removed from traditional American society. But you are dying to be shown with your Indian blanket, and you are willing to do anything possible in order to make it happen.


Here are several ways you can sell yourself out into appraisal.

Have an interesting object
As is the main feature of the Antiques Roadshow, items that are assumed to be big ticket are brought to the most visually pleasing appraisers for airtime. Now, you can either take time, research items you have, see if their is a possibility that said item is worth boatloads of money, go to a taping of Roadshow, and hopefully get noticed, or you can fake it. Watch previous episodes and try to find notable items that you can make out of Styrofoam and paper mache. Make a book of presidential signatures by running over a diary from Target a few times. Create a cabinet from nailing wood panels to cardboard boxes. Just make sure it looks old and interesting, and you should be in the clear.

Also, once they realize what you have is fake, it is important to make it seem like you had no idea. Disappointment unfolding on television is infinitely better than success, as seen in every episode of Cheaters and the best episodes of Deal or No Deal.

Look Young
You might think that this runs counter to previous statements, but you are missing valuable information. You see, while the appraisers/crypt-keepers on the Roadshow might not accept young people as one of their own, they will try to drain lifeforce from them in order to extend the depressing and shallow time they have left. While everything might go fine during the shoot, it is customary to follow your appraiser into a backroom where, through gems implanted on the palm on their hand, he/she steals months off of your life. While this might seem tragic, it is a necessary evil when dealing with public television airtime.

Have Tits
What? It might be PBS, but it's still television. Show a little.

Related Guide Entries
D.I.Y. Time: How do I make my own antiques?
How do I end fund-rasing weeks on PBS?
Etiquette Excellence: Selling your body

Friday, May 9, 2008

How do I create the next smash-hit stoner comedy?

Like it or not, stoner comedies are becoming a well-defined sub genre in the film industry. The reason for this is simple:" weed + anything = better than just that anything by itself."No matter what happens in our lifetimes, going to the movies completely blazed will remain one life’s simplest joys, just as God intended. With that being said, some movies simply do not offer themselves very well to the weed experience. In fact, studies have shown that test groups under the influence of marijuana enjoyed the movie Casablanca more when they rubbed the film reel against their genitals then actually sitting and watching the movie. But what makes the stoner comedy so special is that the targeted demographic is people that are blazed. These are the movies that speak their language, and as an aspiring filmmaker, it is in your best interest to become proficient in this language.

I have taken it upon myself to do the necessary research.

A good friend of mine informed me that Strange Wilderness was pretty good as far as stoner comedies go, so I told him to round up a group of people that were going to be completely baked and I would sit in with my notebook and conduct research. I remained sober for this experiment so I could maintain full use of my analytical mind and also because I am tri-weekly donator to my local sperm bank. I regretfully admit that sperm, much like many a fishnet-clad woman walking the street after 2 A.M., is my livelihood.

My findings are as followed:

Bongs are hilarious.
Within the first twenty minutes Justin Long’s character takes a hit off a skull shaped bong and everyone in the room clapped. I too clapped, but only because Ernest Borgnine was in this movie, and I’m a big fan. At first I thought maybe the round of applause was not because a bong was on screen but because the bong looked like a skull. I asked everyone in the room if skulls were funny and I was met with a resounding “No, dude.” I then immediately followed the question up with another, where I asked if bongs were awesome. More clapping commenced.

Hot chicks having sex is awesome.
Later in the film, a busty woman shows her breasts and has intercourse on a surveillance camera. More clapping commenced. Once again, I felt I was on the verge of an amazing discovery. I paused the movie and asked everyone to direct their attention to my computer, where I subjected the group to three pictures. Two of the pictures were of hardcore pornography and another one was a picture of Emily Dickenson not having sex. The pornography was met with applause and the picture of Dickenson received no applause save for one gentleman who didn’t understand the question.

Looking at a dude’s genitals is not gay but hilarious, as long as his package is horribly mutilated.
Even later in the film, there is a guy who has had his junk horribly destroyed. I don’t remember how. Probably a boating accident. Boating accidents are generally accepted as bad places for your penis to be exposed during. Anyway, he shows it off and it is terrifying. But instead of what I expected (guys yelling “THAT’S GAY!”) it received more laugher and applause. I then exposed my penis to the group. Turns out, that was gay.

In summary: in order to create a good stoner comedy, one must have bongs, hot chicks having sex, and fucked up dicks.

Also, do not expose yourself to your friends without warning. This really isn’t advice on the stoner comedy as it is just general life advice.

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Writing Workshop: How do I write a title for an editorial?

Awhile back, we covered how to write a response to an editorial. While this is all well and good, it really does not say much about our readership. Why would we only want you to respond, when you could just as easily stir the waters with your own fiery writings? Most likely because there would be no way to quell the uprising of our tens and tens of survivalists and their newfound objections to the world. As responsible adults, we will still withhold this awesome power, but tease you just a little bit more with the large pink feather that is editorial title creation.

While some people will say that a good title is completely complimentary to an already outstanding article, they obviously do not know their history. Every Pulitzer Prize winning editorial in the last 15 years has followed the same formula: Take a well-known quote or idea, and add a question mark. For instance, this is the title of one of the many Socialist newspapers I published yesterday:

Home of the Brave?

Immediately, the reader is bombarded with even more questions. "Aren't we the home of the brave? Does the writer not think so? If we aren't, what are we home to? Will that phrase be as catchy as 'Home of the Brave'?" They read the rest of your article with great fervor, as they try to get to the bottom of this question mark placement. The next is one I wrote for my junior high newspaper:

Girls rule, boys drool?

Are you hooked? Do not bother replying, because not only can I not hear your gasps, but I already assume that said gasps are breathes of acknowledged awesomeness. This title blows the doors down of the conventions at the time. From day one, boys drooled and girls ruled, and there was not another rhyme scheme we could easily have plugged in to turn the tables. By turning to inquisitive punctuation, I effectively grabbed the undropped balls of my readership in my vice-like (yet purely business) grip. For our final example, I take you to a segment of a smear campaign I was hired to write against the Civil Rights movement:

I have a Dream?

Now, I do not condone selling your voice for monetary gain, and this was written in hard times. I've previously mentioned how much of Martin Luther King's speech was not-so-subtly-ripped off of an open-mic in Washington I performed at the night before he spoke on the steps, and though I know of the amazing things he did, I was blinded with rage and fell into a job bashing him. This was actually kind of confusing, as many people saw the title as me not being sure what a dream was. I spent the next three weeks writing responses in the hate-pamphlet from people who were simply too confused by the title and tried to describe the abstract concept of dreaming in hate-filled detail. While this is meant to be a "What not to do example," the public's doubt is what made me start writing my dream journal, which I have kept until this day.

Related Guide Entries
How do I quell an uprising?
Bullshit or Bulltruth: Playground Rhymes
How do I write the "I Have a Dream" speech?

Monday, May 5, 2008

To what extent is Shine To Go brand shoe polish the greatest product ever made?

First off, let me answer the question simply: Shine To Go is the best product ever by a very large extent. But let me explain why.

Recently Leon and I received a free congratulatory sample of Shine To Go brand shoe polish in honor of our work dispelling rumors that the Hubble Space telescope is haunted.

Things have been a little different since we got that sample, to say the least.

Here at the guide, we know the importance of a good shoeshine. Whether it means sealing the deal at a job interview or blinding a mugger with the sheer shine-a-tude of your footwear to buy yourself enough time to grab a rusting street sign and strike your oppressor in such a way that it leaves him with a disfiguring facial scar so every time the guy looks in the mirror he silently curses your name.

But Shine To Go brand shoe polish doesn’t just get you that high paying job or make you impervious to muggers. It also has uses that transcend the typical utility associated with shoe polish.

Thought shoe polish only shined shoes? Well think again! Check out this awesome alternative uses for Shine To Go brand shoe polish:

Put it in your cat’s litter box!
Although it won’t help remedy the smell of your pet’s waste, it will make your cat’s coat black and oily and they fucking hate that! Take that, cats!

Use it as a placebo drug!
Let’s say you got a friend that gets really wiry if he doesn’t take his medicine, but you know damn well it’s all in his head. To finally expose him for the headcase he really is, swap his bottle of pills for a bottle of Shine To Go brand shoe polish! With Shine To Go’s patented Tastes Like What Medicine Should Probably Taste Like” technology, he won’t know the difference!

Rub it on stuff that doesn’t smell like shoe polish but you really wish it did!
Sometimes you have shit that doesn’t smell like shoe polish and you’re hipster friends are having none of it and refuse to come to a house party you may be throwing. With Shine To Go, you’ll soon realize anything can smell like shoe polish!

Use it as a diaphragm!
Let’s say you spent your day using all your Shine To Go brand shoe polish to attract the opposite sex. Suddenly you find yourself confronting a gorgeous woman with a raging libido and you’re stuck without any kind of contraceptive. Safe sex is obviously important to you, because you’re a Shine To Go man, and Shine To Go men make responsible decisions. Fear not! Shine To Go brand shoe polish comes in a state of the art container that will bend to the shape of the interior of your lover’s delicates, proving once and for all that safe sex and the smell of shoe polish are not mutually exclusive!

Not convinced yet? Check out the following products facing fierce competition from Shine To Go brand shoe polish:

Commemorative Sammy Sosa plaques
Hoop and sticks
Black face makeup kits
Gatorade (but not G2)

Friday, May 2, 2008

What if I am chosen by aliens to represent/justify Humanity

First Impressions
Just like how different cultures have different hand-shakes and how white and black people drive differently, aliens have their own way of life and might find some of your gestures weird and confusing. Try to not look directly at them, and remain distant unless they approach you. If a film conversation comes up, most alien races love Godfather Part 3. While it goes against everything we stand for as humans, sometimes bridge building takes a few lies. That's a phrase, right?

Presenting Your Evidence
This is tricky, because a misspeaking here will throw the entirety of humanity under the bus, which recent research shows means the end of us. Since we don't want to stop existing, you must use your knowledge of our collective contributions to justify our culture and not get us all vaporized. Here are a brief list of inventions you can use in order to plead our case.
  • Hydrogen bombs
  • Domestication of potbelly pigs
  • 48 Hours
  • Easy-Bake ovens
  • Spaghetti Strainer
  • Love
  • Pocket Fisherman
  • GLH #7
  • Another 48 Hours
  • A child's laughter
  • The Secret Garden by Frances Hodgson
After being explained there is a secret garden inside of all of us, there is no way they can vaporize such a philosophically progressive world like our own.

When being an ambassador, you have to accept that you might need to take one for the greater good. And since the greater good is us, we would really really perfer you took one. Not that we hate you, but we hate the complete obliteration of our lives more. If things start looking south, tell them you can be a servant for them and bend at their will. While this might sound like a wacky sitcom from the 80s, it should not be taken lightly. Sure, you might just have to drive them around or make them lemonade, but you could also turn into the mute servant from The Most Dangerous Game. While being a huge Russian should be fun, there is nothing fun about falling victim to a Uganda trap. Bear this in mind

Related entries
How do I become Russian?
D.I.Y. Time: How do I make my own Uganda Trap
Etiquette Excellence: Space Travel