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Friday, August 31, 2007

What can I do to ensure a second date goes smoothly?

Many people think your first date with someone can make or break a potential relationship, which is true to an extent. However, the second date with a person holds more weight than a million first dates on the road to fucking up or fucking.

Make the second date significantly more enjoyable than the first. Hopefully, you didn’t charm the shit out of your prospective partner on the first date. Attempting to go all out on the first date is a very common mistake and unfortunately, ends up hurting you in the long run as it becomes increasingly harder to top your past dates. For example, if your first date involved a long hike to the city dump to taunt junkyard dogs, your suggestion of IHOP for the scene of the second date will seem incredibly suave in contrast. Fortunately, if you did max out on the first date, it is not beyond repair. Immediately at the start of your second date inform your love interest that there’s something you forgot to tell them last time and lead them to a secluded location. Then proceed to push them down. Immediately help them up and tell them you love them while you unleash an unrelenting, loving gaze that pierces their very soul.
A cock fight is a solid choice for a first date.

Provide evidence that you retained information from the last date. People like to know that they’re actually being listened to. For example, if your date mentioned their parent’s recent wedding anniversary, ask questions like “So, are your parents still alive?” Or, if your date said they enjoy horseback riding, do not hesitate to show them the welcome-mat depicting a majestic stallion that you wove out of human hair. Remember, it’s the little things.

Ensure that you stick the landing. As many are aware, a second date is pretty much guaranteed action, especially if you can get into their place of residence. A little trick I use when dropping my date of is to simply ask if I can come in. If they seem hesitant, I apologize for coming across as rash and explain that I actually just need to take a huge dump. Do whatever it takes, because once you're in, you're in.

Wednesday, August 29, 2007

How do I win at carnival games?

Since the carnies first came here from deep within the Earth's core, carnival games have been a blessing and a plague on our fun. No matter what you do, your darts never pop the balloon, the milk cans never fall over, and thousands and thousands of orphaned stuffed animals go without a home, but are compensated with superpowers. Do not feel discouraged. Over 87% of the American population lose at carnival games on their first try, 93% on their second try, and usually settle for a consolation prizes on their third try to commemorate their failures. Since you are reading this to conquer this stereotype, you will not take 87% as an answer. You are here to singlehandedly take down that statistic by a .01 percentile. And for that, America thanks you. Here is all you need to know on how to conquer the most basic of carnival games.

Fun fact! The carnie uses its long fingers to burrow and can only see movement!

Ring toss - This one is tricky, for there are a lot of variables to account for. How big is the ring? How big is the object you have to toss it on? What is the ring made out of? Can the ring's bigness and material hurt your chances of how it hangs on the object you have tossed it at? The trick to throwing the ring comes down to luck. If you are having a lucky day, then you will no doubt succeed in this ring toss game. If you are not feeling lucky, then you have a significantly lesser chance of winning a stuffed animal made to somewhat resemble something.

Milk cans - The game borrows liberally from two of America's greatest past-times: baseball and anti-dairy propaganda. You have to throw a baseball at a stack of milk cans in effort to leave nothing standing. This might seem simple, until you realize that you cannot throw with your regular arm, and instead must throw with a crude cybernetic arm a carnie working the booth has made. What makes or breaks your performance is your pain threshold, as he amputates your arm in order to make way for his robot arm that offers a balanced playing field for all people involved. It helps to be ambidextrous, as he often picks the arm with your non-dominate hand. Once you are officially a cyborg, and you have remained calm and collected through the Civil War style amputation, hitting the bottles should come easy.

Shatter up - Another one that fuses baseball with another thing I don't give to damn about, shatter up suffers from a very unpleasant name. Besides that, this is a basic game of calculated swings. Pick a car, take a bat, and smash away at the windows. Like a pinata, your prizes are dependent on what you can find. Carnies know that the best looking cars are usually the hardest to break into, but are filled with the most prizes. Use this logic against them by breaking into poorer cars to salvage materials that make it easier to break into the richer cars. This carnival game can usually be found in my apartment's parking lot.

True Story! I wake up to this every other week!

Seashells - This is your basic game of seashells. Simply spin the tokens that the carnie gives you for at least 3 seconds, pick up the appropriate seashell, and write down and solve the math equation it gives you. Since carnies have gotten smart about the growing population of people with calculator watches, you have to do all of these procedures in 10 seconds. What helps here is the fact that all enchanted seashells will give you the answer to their math problem with you whisper the name of the wizard turned them into a seashell in the first place. However, whispering this name will cause them to change back into a human within the next few minutes, so I advise high-tailing it out of their before the carnie catches on that you broke the curse and actually did not know the simplicities of long division.

Monday, August 27, 2007

Writing Workshop: The Cover Art for Your Novel

Welcome to the second installment of Writer’s Workshop. Since it’s the second installment, and the first one was pretty all encompassing, it’s safe to assume your writing projects are completed. Which leaves you at the most crucial of steps: deciding on cover art for your novel. Didn’t write a novel, you say? Fuck off, I say.

A leisurely trip around a bookstore/library/study of a giant haunted mansion will assault your synapses with a wide variety of novel cover art. However, instead of showing you the ins and outs of popular styles that grace the shelves, I have opted instead to make a personality test that will match you to the cover art that best reflects both your person and your work.

For the following questions, choose true or false.

1. __ My novel is not grounded in a reality resembling our own.
2. __ When I explain my novel to people, their first response is something along the lines of “Oh, so like Blade Runner?”
3. __ I hate it when people are late.
4. __ Cell phones have ruined the way humans communicate and the way we play Bejeweled.
5. __When standing idly I involuntarily play an invisible clarinet.
6. __ Odd numbers make me uncomfortable.
7. __ This sentence has five words.
8. __Every manatee-boat collision is a victory for man.
9. __ I am a team player.
10. __ I don’t know what Motown is.

Okay, tally up the number of questions you’ve chosen true. For every true, award yourself one point and refer to the following scale to see what kind of cover art you should employ for your novel.

1-3 points: Leather bound with fancy gold lettering.

4-6 points: Pop art

7-9 points: Intellectual photo of yourself

10 points: Really ambiguous fantasy picture

Thursday, August 23, 2007

How do I make a good message for my answering machine?

Since its creation in 1874, three years before the first phone was created, the answering machine has been there to help to spread our word wider, even though we're busy at the moment and can't come to the phone right now. However, you have to show great concern with what you tell other people while you are away. Anyone that calls your phone can and will pass judgment on you based on how you handle yourself on the machine. These people can be friends and family, but also police officers, loan sharks, and heavy breathing serial killers. Do you want to leave the same, lame impression on everyone who happens to dial your digits, or do you want to leave a message that will leave the person speechless, long after the beep has beeped so all they hear is the violent shriek of the dial-tone? That's why we have complied some of the best messages for your friends to leave messages to.

The ol' conversation psyche-out
This clever ruse is a
definite way to earn major points with your callers. When recording the message, pretend to be carrying out a standard conversation with pleasantries and asking of what it up. The idea is to try to have a person talk to your machine as if he thought it was the real you! If you're good at it, you can have your callers talking to the fake you for up to three minutes. It us very important that you space your sentences far apart, and adjust for each caller. If your uncle is calling, and you know he talks kinda slow since the construction accident, then re-record your message to cater to him, possibly changing some of your dialog to revolve around how you think his day has gone so far. If you notice that they are on the brink of catching on to your game, quickly pick up the phone and pretend that you are you are the machine. Keep this "conversation" going. You can imagine how red the person's face will be after they're told to leave a message after the beep!

When recording, make sure you have the proper sound booth for voice clarity. If you do not have such a booth, check Amazon.

Yelling and crying
Guaranteed to get people interested in your life, let your message be a series of wails, sobs, unintelligible screams. The point of this message is to get the person so freaked out that something might be happening to you, that he will forget that what he's worrying about is merely a recording. You get bonus points if you start it off as a normal message, then stage the sound of a glass breaking in the background. Then say something along the lines of "Oh my God, what do you want? (daughter's name,) CALL 9-1-1!" then make more sounds and clashing sounds, then start screaming about how you're bleeding our how you can't see anything. You are sure to get some grade-A funny messages afterwards!

Celebrity voices
What do Carrot Top, Cory Feldman, and Sinbad have in common? All of
them can be the voice on your answering machine! It's not that your voice is terrible, but it's just not as immediately recognizable as all of these celebrity voices. Simply try doing your best impersonation. Take a memorable Clint Eastwood quote and spin it in such a way that it gives the illusion that Mr. Eastwood himself is talking to your caller about how they should leave a message. In my best Eastwood voice, I said "I pity the fool who doesn't leave a message after the beep." Needless to say, it met with great success and awards. Keep in mind that all the cleverness of the line will be lost if you do not offer a good impersonation. If you find yourself in a pinch, Sinbad is willing to be the voice of your answering machine at a rate of three dollars for every call that receives his message. He's funny for the most part. He has his moments.

Wednesday, August 22, 2007

Shaolin Martial Arts is confusing! There are so many different fighting stances, but what do they all mean?

Across the nation, Shaolin Martial Arts is becoming more widely available for students to study during high school. Coincidentally, many colleges are now allowing course study in Shaolin Martial Arts to satisfy a foreign language requirement, effectively making the languages of French, German, and Spanish useless.

Nonetheless, college bound students with aspirations to get some ass kicking done along the way may find themselves overwhelmed with the complexity of the subject matter at hand. Luckily I have compiled a brief study guide for three of the more popular fighting stances that take on the aspects of various animals:

The aspect of the monkey involves using quickness and agility to demolish your opponents. A variety of high risk flips and cartwheels are very regularly employed, and as a result, practitioners of the monkey style are always talented acrobatics. They also are chronic suffers from ADHD. The best way to counter the monkey style is to force feed the practitioners near fatal doses of Ritalin, often coupled with horse tranquilizers.
The world was a cruel, cruel place before Ritalin.

In the wild, the female lions do all the hunting. To utilize this stance effectively, stand with your feet shoulder-width apart while yelling at a woman to solve your conflict for you. This is arguably the oldest martial arts style known to man.
An example of a flawless execution of the Lion stance.

Sea Turtle
Much like the sea turtle’s protective shell, the stance of the sea turtle is defensive in nature. The mindset behind the stance is that you use your superior defensive capabilities to wear your opponent down, and when the opportunity arises, you lay a clutch of eggs on the beach. When the eggs hatch, the baby turtles will begin their treacherous hike towards the open ocean as they are eaten in droves by seagulls and crabs. This stance originated when a nameless traveling monk decided nature documentaries about turtles weren’t epic enough.
Word of warning: effective use of the sea turtle stance can only stop three tanks. Not four.

Monday, August 20, 2007

How do I recognize omens?

Omens, like birds, can be hard to spot unless you have the proper guide (which you are reading,) and binoculars (which you actually don't need but would not hurt regardless.) Though such a guide to recognizing your omens might seem useless, having the powers of that of an amateur soothsayer is nothing to scoff at. There are just some simple questions you need to ask yourself whenever you encounter an object that might be an omen.
  • "Does this object give off any vibes?"
A recent event has shed more light on this question. A family brought home a Tiki statue from a foreign land and was found fatally murdered to death the next morning. Since foreigners are known to be weird, shady, and usually give off bad vibes, these American tourists should have just went with their gut instincts and stayed in America. Bad vibes are more readily picked up by humans than good vibes, mainly because bad vibes smell like mashed potatoes. Delicious mashed potatoes.
  • "Is there a single, reoccurring detail that takes place before everything goes to hell?"
This question tries to find the route of the problem: The omen itself. What's the last thing you saw before you slipped on the floor in the Piggly Wiggly? Tropicana orange juice? Try to notice a pattern of Tropicana products whenever something bad happens. Was a streetlight you drove by light up moments before you crashed your car in the middle of the day? See if more bad things happen when the lights are on. Did you just read that there was a sale on carpi pants at the Old Navy mere seconds before your ship capsized in the mid-Atlantic? Maybe you don't need back to school clothes. All angles must be exercised.
  • "Have I done anything recently that is an affront to God and/or Satan?"
Usually, Omens are placed here by the supernatural in order to hint that bad things are coming to you. Once one of the higher powers sends out an omen, it acts as a flare gun and makes sure you know what you got coming to you. Now you must look within yourself and ask what you did recently to deserve this. Have you said the Lord's name in vain? Have you desecrated the cross? Did you tape over last week's Grey's before he got to watch it? Also, think about what deals you have bargained with the devil on. Have you sold your soul and tried to take it back? Did you kill his son accidentally? Did you tape over last week's Grey's? All of these questions must be addressed.

The following are documented omens, both good and ba
d, and what they mean.

Good Omen: A bunny rabbit frolicking in the yard - Your labors will be fruitful this week

Bad Omen: A lamb's skull set upon two lit torches that seems to constantly drip blood - The next roll of change the bank gives you will be short by two coins and NO ONE WILL BELIEVE YOU!

Good Omen:
Billy Joel playing on the radio - You will find great comfort in the next celebrity death

Bad Omen: A man at a foggy crossroads in the middle of the night who bears a toothless grin, the smell of brimstone, tail, and a hook for a hand - You will be IMPOTENT TEMPORARILY!

Good Omen: You see a shooting star - The cashier at the liquor store will give you accidentally give you more change.

Bad Omen: Pat Boone - INSTANT DEATH!

Good Omen: Good Burger is playing on TBS - You will win the lottery

Bad Omen: Good Burger is playing on USA - You will win the lottery, but it's the one from Shirley Jackson's The Lottery SO IT'S NOT WHAT YOU THINK AT ALL!

Review Question - In what circumstances should you not watch Good Burger?

Friday, August 17, 2007

Episode Guide to Season 1 of Three's Company

Episode 1: A Man About the House
Janet Wood and Chrissy Snow find themselves in need of a third tenate to share the rent. Instead of taking an ad out in the paper, due to Chrissy’s irrational fear of the printed word, they construct a golem out of flesh and blood, and by using Janet’s coveted family heirloom, the blood ruby, they bring the flesh construct to life. They call the golem “Jack Tripper.” Mr. Roper, the landlord, is hesitant to allow two females and a male to occupy the same house, so the girls tell Roper Jack is gay. To prove this, Jack rapes Mr. Roper.

Jack getting used to his new body before launching an offensive on a unassuming Mr. Roper

Episode 2: War On The Home Front
Janet and Chrissy get into a huge argument about the best way to cauterize a wound. In a typical sitcom fashion, they divide the house in two by drawing a line down the middle with chalk. However, they can’t decide who gets to keep Jack. Due to his artificial nature, the girls split him in half vertically. The two girls use each of their Tripper halves to enact petty revenge on one another until they finally make amends. Mr. Roper comes to investigate a noise complaint and the two halves of Jack Tripper gang bang him.

Episode 3: Growing Pains
Janet is out at an interview for a desk job for a big office downtown. Meanwhile back at home, Chrissy becomes curious of what exactly Jack is capable of, so she puts him behind the wheel of her car. In an explosion of sheer coincidence, Jack drives into the very same building Janet is being interviewed at, killing her would-be boss. Further investigation reveals that the recently deceased CEO was heavily involved in a child pornography ring. Jack is rewarded a key to the city, and Janet is put in charge of the big account.

Episode 4: Let Them Eat Cake
Janet and Chrissy invite the Meltzers, their new neighbors, over for lunch. The Meltzers prove to be good company, albeit a bit snobbish at times. Jack, realizing his failure to violate Mr. Roper in S1E03, rapes him twice.

Wednesday, August 15, 2007

Famous Moments of "You Had to Be There."

As previously unveiled in an article last week, the phrase "You had to be there" is one of the most powerful conventions of storytelling, narrowly outperforming the dream sequence ending. Though I know that the point was made, it still left a bad taste in my mouth. I did teach you something of dire importance, as is the goal to all of these writings, but such a fascinating and ground shaking phrase deserves to be examined thoroughly. This is why this next article will aim to fully orientate you with the history of the phrase. Here are some examples, followed up by why the are considered some of the best uses of "UH2BT."

"So Charlie and I were in one of the dining halls. First class tickets entitled us to fully stocked bar in our room. I was not cognizant of the most of that trip and it really riles people up who want to know the story of such a tragedy. I'm cursed, I'm sure. Regardless, everything started shaking and my husband grabbed my arm to guide me to one of the life boats. So we're walking and Charlie stubbles on a carpet bag, and I say, "So that's where my lost luggage is." And then he said something... I can't remember, but it was pretty funny, and then I ended up stumbling on the bag, and we just sat there laughing. I guess you had to be there."

Mrs. Annie May Stengel, Titanic survivor, retelling her story in the April 23, 1937 issue of Look Magazine

Annie's use of "You had to be there" is to cover her from not remembering the night to remember. She uses this effectively by trying to take interest away from the Titanic sinking and more into a humorous story of her and her husband falling down. We still have no idea how she ever survived, but what do we know is that she is an expert storyteller! Right on, Annie! On to the next one!

"Lincoln was just going on and on about how much this play sucked. He often mimed hanging himself as something else he'd prefer than sit around and watch this trite little thing. When he was shot, I thought "man, he went all out." Booth, the killer and not the thing we were sitting in, jumped from the booth, the thing we were sitting in, not the killer, and yelled... something as he went out. I had no idea what it was, but I thought I heard Tyrannosaurus Rex. When the bodyguard came in, clueless as of what happened, he just asked "What?" I figured he didn't know what Booth said either! I laughed and laughed, and the bodyguard got it after I explained it to him a few hours later. He still didn't really fully understand. I guess you had to be there."

Mary Todd Lincoln, widow of president Lincoln, as documented in a personal journal.

Mary Todd uses the phrase in order to compensate for misunderstanding, one of the weakest ways you can use this almighty phrase. At least her embarrassment was only limited to her personal diary and not spread throughout America, until it's first publication in this history making blog entry. That's right. The Library of Congress can suck a big fat one. Let's read on!

"Dear mother, by the time you read this, you will have already have heard of a fire that has swept through Chicago. This is my informal confession that will explain my case if they ever find out that I was responsible for such mass destruction. It all started when I thought I heard something next to the shed, so Jim and I headed back there with a lantern in tow. Feeling confident in my abilities and in the lanterns durability, I start swinging the lantern above my head like I was a wild man from the Amazon. Evidentially, it was very funny, as Jim was full of giggles. And then I started laughing at the very notion of doing it, and then we both started to throw our heads back in laughter. Upon wiping the tears from my eyes, I realized that I had successfully torched three of the buildings that surrounded me. I tried explaining it to Gladys but she wasn't buying it, I suppose one would have to be there."

Jacob Walters, in a letter to his mother in Louisville, Kentucky.

Read this paragraph again. Notice how he hints toward the sacred phrase, but yet never really hits it. Biggest. Mistake. Ever. Scientifically, you need all five words in the correct order for it to work. Without that, it is nothing. You are nothing. And you will learn to live your life as a failure. While other people have saved themselves from embarrassment and scrutiny, Jacob Walters deserves at least a 50 year jail sentence. Instead, we blamed it on a cow.

God bless America.

Monday, August 13, 2007

How do I turn a public access channel into a drinking game?

Once thought to be watched only by extremely lonely middle-aged women, public access channels contain the potential for unsurpassed amounts of alcohol-based entertainment.

But before you learn the rules of the public access drinking game and throw your own public access party, you might want to know why you should choose public access over so many other more popular drinking games.

1. Easy set-up. Across the nation, almost any television can be tuned to a public access channel and find ground-breaking coverage on events that happened as early as one week ago. In short, if you have a TV, you have public access.

2. Not socially compromising. While seemingly more fun drinking games involve risqué social interaction as well as encouraging you to come out of your comfort zone, the public access drinking game requires you to do nothing more than admire your local neighborhood. Don’t forget, admiration is a dish best served silent.

3. Takes something good and makes it better. With enough booze, this:

begins to look like this:

With that in mind, the rules are as follows:
  • When the name of your local city is said, take a drink.
  • When there is live coverage of a local sports team, take a drink. You must drink twice if local sports team wins.
  • If at any point the sound from the channel is too low or of too poor a quality to comprehend, take a drink.
  • You must drink if there is a segment on women in the community. You must finish your drink if those women are fat.
  • If a minivan appears on screen, you must drink.
  • If anyone suggests changing the channel, they must finish their drink.
  • You must drink if either a Rec Center or public pool are mentioned. You must drink twice if those locations are one in the same.
  • When footage is reused, you must take a shot.
  • If a slideshow is used to promote local businesses, you must drink. You must finish your drink if any slide contains no real photos, but only clipart.

Friday, August 10, 2007

How do I retell the story of someone falling down?

Invented by Jerry Lewis in the 1500s and given to the world in the late 1800s, the pratfall has been embraced the world over. However, a fall does not need to be planned to be hilarious. The kid skateboarding down the sidewalk doesn't mean to fall on his face, nor does the down syndromed child mean to ignore the fact that the curb is ending, but these people have found a sure-fire way to get a chuckle out of whoever is spectating. Especially in the case of the latter.

That's all well in good for the people watching, but what about your friends and family? Yes, you were one of them, laughing as the skater racked himself on the handrail in front of the public library, but how do you take such a fantastical image and convey it to your loved ones in the most humorous way possible in order to prove that you had an eventful day that didn't just boil down to you going to the public library and spanking it to paperback romance novels in a quiet room?

Preview question: If one of these people hurtled down from the sky and ate pavement, what could you say about it that would make your friends laugh?

Step 1: The intro - This starts when you walk into a room and want to tell everyone about what you just witnessed. Sometimes, you'll forget all about the old lady that walked into an automatic door after you are already engaged in conversation. Do not let this stop you. Everyone is deserving of your brilliant story of an old lady walking into an automatic door. Interrupt the person talking with an excited gasp, and explain how you just must tell this story. They will be somewhat angry at first, but they'll thank you in due time after your award winning story.

Step 2: The set-up - Like in all novels, the first chapter is spent describing the surroundings in great detail. The only writer to not adhere to this cardinal rule of story telling is Charlotte Bronte, an ugly woman who was on the verge of ruining Victorian literature until her sisters killed her, as requested by the real Jane Eyre. In the retelling of your story, get into the nitty-gritty of your surroundings. How rusty was that handrail? Which era of architecture does the library exhibit most. Then you can start describing the people. In the case of the old lady and the door, how old was the old lady that fell? In the case of the down syndromed kid at the curb, how many chromosomes did the person have or not have? Did the skater have any rat qualities? These are all essential.

Step 3: The prestige - This is the reason why you are telling the story: the fall. Your story is nothing without it, and it's the hardest part of the whole thing. However, know that I would never throw you into the lake without a way to properly cut through the burlap sack that you were tied in. There is an easy phrase that, if used effectively, can revive a dead story into something that will be worshiped by your family for years to come.

"You had to be there."

Do you feel the intensity in your eyes after reading those words? Now imagine that, times a million, and in the ears of everyone you tell your story to. These words are fool proof, and are guaranteed to turn any story you have fleeting doubts about into a shining beacon of life, love, and hilarity.

For more on this immaculate phrase, come back soonish.

Wednesday, August 8, 2007

What if I dump someone but am now just realizing I want them back?

Sometimes people do the worst things to the ones they love, and no amount of delicate prose can help them cope with their mistake. However, where words die, the flowchart lives on:

Sunday, August 5, 2007

What if I am trapped in a car trunk?

There is never a good reason for you to be locked in the trunk of a car. Even if you did it on your own accord, chances are alcohol was not only involved, but stood as exhibit A and B to support your claim that living your childhood dreams of being Spridle and Chim-Chim from Speed Racer can only bring good things. That's not important now. What's important now is that you are surrounded by darkness, you are mildly buzzed, and you begin to wonder, "How the hell did that boy and monkey pop the trunk so readily in the first place?"

However, this is not the only scenario you can find yourself in when you are locked in a trunk. You could be a snitch that just got kidnapped by the mob, or you could be a bag of groceries that wants out. Because we try to appeal to everyone, here is a step by step guide for each of these scenarios.

Scenario: Spridle and Chim-Chim

When you're drunk, it always seems like a good idea to hide in your brother's car when he goes racing. Rarely does this work out for you though. And even though you might be a little buzzed and there is no race going on, it's still very unsettling to find yourself locked in such a cramped space for an extended period of time. Sharing said cramped space with a monkey? Doubly so.

The first thing you will want to do is quickly survey the area by flailing your limbs. Once you located the trunk door, try kicking it out. If that fails, upset the monkey by continuing to flail your limbs and sucker punching him. His rage will undoubtedly cause much damage to the car, and he'll set you free. Keep in mind that monkeys are very strong. Though you will be set free, you might not have all arms and legs accounted for. This is a price you must be will to pay when dealing with a monkey rescue.

Scenario: Mob snitch

Mobsters are tricky business, for they foresee you trying to get out of this situation. As a precaution, most gangsters deal with snitches by wrapping them in carpets, cementing their shoes, or bottling their essence. Use the flailing mechanism as used in the previous scenario, even if you can only use your legs. If you are wrapped in a carpet, the odds are stacked against you. I suggest peeing. That way you have the satisfaction that these big shot gang leaders had to handle your pee. Essence bottling is also a tricky one to counter, but as long as you break the jar that they were holding your essence in, you're pretty much golden.

The great part about this scenario is that they usually open the trunk for you.

Scenario: Groceries

Finally, enough is enough. You are going to break the chains of oppression and become the grocery bag all the other items will name "hero." Now is the time for action. Quickly stack the contents of yourself so they push against the top of the trunk. Now, with a slender grocery, like celery or a Slim Jim, try to wedge it between the trunk door and the car when the driver hits a bump. Once you are in, push up on the trunk door with your stack. If that does not work, most cars have a switch that allows you to push the back seat down in order to make room. After to push through to the cab of the car, violently mutilate all passengers in the car with the frozen lima beans found in your bag in the name of freedom. From there, it should be easy as kittens.

Friday, August 3, 2007

Wildlife Guide to the Great Lakes

The Great Lakes of the Midwest are not only the largest fresh water ecosystem in the world, but also a breathtaking sight to behold. There is no wonder why so many wildlife enthusiasts flock to the Midwest to witness the Lakes first hand. However, much like a stripper that is also a Venus flytrap, this beauty can also be potentially dangerous.

Many an optimistic adventurer has embarked to have their lives enlightened by the simple joy of nature only to lose their wits at a scene not unlike the following:

After a sight like the above, you’re spelling Lake Huron M-U-R-D-E-R.

But fear not! I have taken the liberty of cataloging wildlife indigenous to the Great Lakes region with special regard to what threat they pose to you, the wildlife enthusiast.

Monkey Eating Eagle
Arguably one of nature’s most stubborn animals, the Monkey Eating Eagle’s prey of choice is primates of varying shapes and sizes but more often than not it has to settle for squirrels. Researchers continue to be baffled as to why this bird continues to inhabit a monkey free ecosystem. Once a year, masses of these birds migrate from city zoo to city zoo devouring monkeys and especially hairy babies.
Threat Level: Low

Cobra Spitting Cobra A long distant cousin of the African venom spitting cobra, the cobra spitting cobra is armed with the ability to spit out more cobras when endangered, in addition to its already venomous bite. The freshly spat cobras will then attack the foe, do nothing, or spit more cobras. Once in a while a female will spit up a male cobra and mate with it and lay a clutch of super retarded inbred eggs. Threat Level: High

Peddler Octopus
The peddler octopus will try to trade you something you truly desire for something you truly need. Only the pure of heart will realize these objects are one in the same.
Threat Level: Low

Feral Pat Boone
Pat Boone is the Native American harbinger of death and destruction. If you come across one, get back to civilization as soon as possible. Running away doesn’t help because although the average human is faster, Pat Boone can track your scent indefinitely.
Threat Level: Extremely High

Prehistoric Beaver
The animal that inspired a porn ring focused on the elderly is actually not laughing matter. Its giant teeth can tear bone and flesh asunder, but fortunately it only attacks trees. Unfortunately, prehistoric beavers have allied themselves with bog witches that will cast a hex on a passerby that will turn a human into a redwood.
Threat Level: Medium