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Wednesday, January 28, 2009

How do I train dogs?

This is not your guide for potty training your dog. While I agree that having a dog not pee on things you buy is a good thing, this "How do" guide aims to go far beyond that. You can look anywhere else and learn how to stop your dog from peeing on things, but this is your one-stop shop on how to psychologically condition your dog to do anything you want it to. Just think...

Why stop at having him pee outside, when you can just have him afraid to pee?

From here, we're break it down to a few frequently asked dog training questions (FADTQ).

How do I train my dog to turn on lights?
Spend a week where there is only one light on in the house at a time, and only enter a room and turn a light when your dog is present. After this week, keep all the lights in the house off, and hit your dog with newspapers until he turns on a light. If you continue like this, he should be able to turn on lights out of fear of the darkness. The painful darkness. This is also the same why parents raised me to fear night!

How do I train my dog to walk on his hind legs?
This is an adorable trick for everyone involved, because we get to see a dog do something that looks horribly unnatural and the dog gets to think that his human walking abilities will allow him to drive and buy cigars. Now what I always thought was "if he doesn't have front legs, then he HAS to use hind legs" but I did some research and it turns out that's wrong for both ethical and trick training reasons. What works is to take your typical training regiment of rewards snacks and upping the ante. Just hold his food and water just out of reach, so he can only gain sustenance by being an adorable dog. If he finds food elsewhere, turn off the lights.

How do I train my dog to be racist?
So this one does not really give the last post about how we are not racist much credence, but I think that it is a skill that has the possibility to be needed in the future. For instance, what if the Chinese invade American soil with their zeppelins and feng shui? Do we not want to have dogs on our front lines? So if you are concerned about the well-being of America, you would print out a face of someone that is the race you want your dog to hate. Then, wear that as a mask and do everything your dog hates, like when you turn out the lights or put his food out of reach, or when you trained your kids to use him as a toilet. This way, all the times he wanted to bite your face off will be converted to the Chinese. I know this works because my parents would turn off the lights and just yell gibberish that sounded Chinese. Then when I turned the lights on they looked Chinese. I might have been lost, though.

Monday, January 26, 2009

Legal Matters: Why The Guide Isn't Racist

We have gotten many emails on the subject of the last post on the subject of celebrating MLK day. The majority of which stated that in an effort to not be racist, we may have actually been more racist. I disagree, and allow me to explain why.

(Note: We also have received snail mail on the same subject. I have been told it is called snail mail because it is slower than email, but I was under the impression that it derived it’s name from the fact our mail carrier leaves a trail of viscous slime wherever he goes.)

When Leon started the guide, we knew we were going to change the world. But we wanted there to be an order to the madness (and by madness I mean greatness, and by greatness I mean balls awesome. Yes, that’s right, we wanted there to be an order to the balls awesome.) As such, we drew up a constitution that would frame our work in the field of informing the masses. I would like to take some time today and examine The Guide’s bylaws to prove we have conducted ourselves in a professional, ethical, and in a no-way-whatsoever racist manner.

Article 1/Our Mission Statement
The Guide will operate in a completely objective manner. All information will be presented in a manner of fact way, with diagrams as necessary. Also, the phrase “this writer’s opinion” will never appear in any Guide material. Except for in the last sentence, that’s the only time.

Why We’re Not Racist: Racism is a subjective ideology. If the Guide is only interested in the objective, then how can we be racist? Also, we always include diagrams. Diagrams can only express objective information. For example, if I were to make a pie chart that was titled “Leon Firestone’s Ancestry” and one half of it was red, labeled “Pussies,” and half of it was blue, labeled “Queers,” it should go without questioning that the information presented in the graph is not only objective, but true. I will not actually make the aforementioned graph because it is this writer’s opinion that I am not your bitch.

Article 3, Section 1
The Guide will be divided into two organizational bodies, the executive and the administrative. The executive (Mr. Jones) will make decisions for the good of the order. The administrative (Leon Firestone) will administer the supply of mind-altering substances that allow the executive body to make decisions for the good of the order. Together, the two bodies will do everything they can to serve and protect.

Why We’re Not Racist: It doesn’t say serve and protect only white people. We mean everyone. And although it is not specified, I know Leon Firestone sees it as his own personal duty to protect the black community. That is why I have walked in on him doing questionable things while watching interracial pornography. That’s how invested he is.

Article 7, Section 2
Anything that happens while Leon and Mr. Jones are drunk doesn’t count.

Why We’re Not Racist: Look, even if we were being racist with our MLK info, we were drunk. And clearly it doesn’t count. No harm, no foul.

I was tripping pretty bad on E, too. So I’d make the argument it counts even less than nothing.

Friday, January 23, 2009

Travel Guide: How to celebrate Martin Luther King day the right way.

Mr. Jones previously gave you an outline for how to celebrate Martin Luther King day if you are white and do not want to appear condescending, and I view this as a valiant effort. However, if you are serious about partying on MLK day, this is not the road for you. You may also notice that we have missed some entries in the last week or so. While we apologize for not giving you fair warning, it was for good reason. Mr. Jones and myself spent the last week rocking out to MLK the only way we know how: Martin Luther King Street Crawl.

As of 2007, there are 730 streets named after the Great Civil-rights-apator, not to be confused with the Great Civil Rights raptor, who organized a march towards Washington D.C. which end with 48 dead and 65 half-eaten. Mr. Jones and I love a good challenge, and will physically love anything when inebriated, so the idea of a drunken tour of Martin Luther King streets, avenues, stravenues, boulevards, courts, canals, crossings, junctions, places, passages, turnpikes and parkways tickles our fancy in many o' ways.

The drive was suppose to take us 12 days, so forgive us for our absence. We were gonna originally stretch out the stories of this trip from next week and through all of Black History month, but the trip only lasted two days on the road, and 4 days in recovery spent in the Survival Guide office.

Here are some things of note in the streets we did manage to hit.

Lacrosse, Wisconsin - Martin Luther King Jr. Dr.
The street is as avant garde as it's name. The city planners believed that the title of Dr. was unimportant compared to the name of the "Civil rights leader of the colorguard." Actually on the street, it was in a predominately white, touristy neighborhood with a restaurant where you could make your own pizza! We got kicked out after pre-gaming and rubbing our dicks on the dough.

Chicago, Illinois - Martin Luther King Blvd.
Chicago was the first city to establish a street named after the singer of "95 thesis and the bitch ain't one" and also the first city to establish they are not racist

Note by Mr. Jones : Leon Firestone does not realize that there is a difference between Martin Luther and Martin Luther King Jr. He believes that one man was responsible for advances in civil rights and the formation of the Lutheran faith several centuries and continents separate from each other. He also believes both of them are Jay-Z, a rapper he has never listened to.

Another Mr. Jones edit: I framed this picture for him. It sits on his desk all day. I made a frame for him with a button that plays the "I have a dream" speech. He is so fucked up.

Cranston, Indiana - Martin Luther King Parkway
I never knew how scary Indiana was until that day.

Detroit, Michigan - Martin Luther King Blvd
I feel more out of place with every Martin Luther King street we drive to. I figured we would just roll down the windows while blasting some Martin Luther King, as to seem like we are one of them (not racist, just nervous) and I think they thought we were mocking them, so I went to showed them my Lutheran cross that I kept in my sock and that caused so many more problems. Also, as any crawl, we were incredibly drunk and did not realize the gravity of this situation. Mr. Jones was shot 3 times. It was expected, as the bullet is the main export of Detroit.

Cincinnati, Ohio - Martin Luther King Parkway
Mr. Jones does not look well, but he's a good sport. I've just been feeding him ecstasy. The street is nice, but I'm kinda bored with everything. I really wanted to discover something about civil rights or religion or the Black Album, but instead we're just in an unmarked rental van filled with blood, booze, and E. I guess we'll just finish the rest back at the office.

Mr. Jones ended up recovering from a total of 4 bullet wounds. The last one was an accident, but he had it coming. The next few days were spent in office, as Jones nursed his wounds and I made fun of him on joke-sauce (Bourbon.) I like to think we proved something, but all we did was show the world how to celebrate the life and times of Martin Luther King.

Wednesday, January 21, 2009

What Are Some Ways You Can Celebrate Martin Luther King, Jr That Do Not Appear Condescending To Your Black Friends If You Happen To Be White?

Leon and I took a day off on Monday to conduct the research to answer the above question. We have concluded the following 10 activities are okay for white people within the context of MLK day:
  1. Organize a sock drawer.
  2. Think about buying an electric tie-rack
  3. Watch the 1985 film Cocoon.
  4. Reflect upon the 1985 film Cocoon.
  5. Talk about the 1985 film Cocoon with a white friend.
  6. Cut out coupons that you will never use.
  7. Try to name as many movies that feature senior citizens as the protagonists. For example, the 1985 film Cocoon.
  8. Imagine yourself as a high school gym teacher. Write a short essay on what your grading policy would be.
  9. Drive to a town that's out of your way because you faintly remember someone saying that gas was cheaper there.
  10. Organize any gift cards you have in any of the following ways: by expiration date, by store's proximity to your home and by color.

Monday, January 12, 2009

Writing Workshop: Turning a piece of fiction into a film with explosive results

Screenwriters get paid the big bucks to read books and adapt them to film so that we, the paying costumer, do not have to read anything beyond some credits. The exception to this is movies in foreign languages that have subtitles that make viewers read line after painful line of text. Reading, as many are aware, can lead to eye strain. A man that told me I had a pretty mouth also told me reading could lead to “being a queer.” I doubt he had any empirical evidence of that claim, but he said it with a lot of conviction.

Regardless, you want to make those big bucks screenwriters make but you don’t want to have to actually write anything. Fortunately, libraries are filled with books that are waiting to be turned into movies and I’m going to show you how to write an adaptation with style. To help you walk through this, I’m going show you the kind of decisions you will be making by using Shirley Jackson’s The Lottery as my example. I have chosen The Lottery for two reasons: one, it’s a fairly well-known short story and two, it’s used to scare inner-city teens away from gambling lifestyles.

Differentiate it from the book.
Faithful adaptations might seem like a good idea, but it’s the film industry’s job to make choices the author of the source material didn’t have the balls to make. In The Lottery, Tessie Hutchinson wins the lottery in her small town and is stoned to death. In my adaptation, Tessie Hutchinson’s lottery winning doesn’t get her stoned to death. Instead, she is entered in a drag race across a desert filled with land mines. Her car is rigged to explode regardless if she wins or loses, so in a lot of ways it’s not a whole lot different than the original text. It’s all about subtle changes.

Change an important character.
In my film version, Tessie Hutchinson is not a woman, but a man. He is a man named Tessie Hutchinson and his pansy-ass birth name fuel him with distaste for himself. He wants nothing more than to prove himself to the rest of people that inhabit the floating island where he lives. I may have forgotten to mention that he lives on a floating island. Also, I know I said the drag race took place in a desert. For clarification’s sake, part of the floating island is a desert. See? Perfect.

You want whimsical. Go for whimsical.
So floating islands are pretty whimsical, but islands aren’t the only things that can float. Zepplins are pretty whimsical. You know what’d be cool? A flying zeppelin city that travels the world looking for new places to mine sky gold.

So yeah, I think that covers adaptations of fiction.

Friday, January 9, 2009

How do I steal cable?

Stealing cable is seen as petty, but it actually shows you as a person of character and economic conscience. Sure, you could PAY for 137 channels and not enjoy them because you have to work to pay your bills, OR you can just enjoy your 137 channels and sit at home all day to enjoy them. Therefore, only the people who steal cable have a true appreciation for television as an art and medium. The people that steal cable are the people you see at parties who can wax constantly about the quality of Lost or how tragic it was when Viva La Laughlin got canned after two episodes. They will talk circles around you by making it obvious that they know more. Since one of the Survival Guidelines we have here is an equaling of the playing field, you must learn how to steal cable to put this guy back in his place.

Cable stealing goes back to the days where people would watch stage revues in the 1920s through small holes in the wall. These people were referred to as funnery snatchers, and they created an art in stealing entertainment. Theaters resolved this uprising by converting their "swindle holes" into the first glory holes, the first of many times that the entertainment business and anonymous sex crossed paths. 

1. The inside man
Being the inside man entitles you to many perks like free cable and coffee. The small price you have to pay is to convince someone in the cable installation industry to hire you in some capacity. Your position could be as lowly as the business's glory hole scrubber (as it is part of the entertainment industry after all.)

2. The blending
You do not want to be that shifty new scrubber who is mysterious to all. You must chat with your coworkers and make it seem like this is your passion. This is to misdirect them from thinking you are about to steal their cable. Do this for 3 months.

3. The asking
Ask your boss/lead janitor about the "free" cable hookup. He will look around to make sure no one is around. Then, he'll give you a number to call. Do not call it from your house or cell because they can trace that back to you. 

4. The calling
A woman is going to answer, this means you are doing everything perfectly. If a man answers, yell "THIS WASN'T PART OF THE DEAL" and wait till the next day. Once you get the girl, she's gonna ask for your address. Give it to her, but only in a way you two will understand. I would go with Pig Latin but you didn't hear it from me. She'll make an appointment.

5. The rendezvous
She says this guy is gonna stop by from 10 am to 4 pm. You have to be at your house because this guy means business. This is not a guy you want to fuck with by picking up some milk at the c corner store that's only a block a way.  He eats glory-scrubbers like you from breakfast. People have woken up in their grave for worse shit than that. Just play it cool. Once he shows up and you show him your employee card, he'll give you the hook-up.

6. The switcheroo
Now, you can't work and watch TV at the same time, but this conundrum is one of the easiest to solve: hobo labor. Find a pauper who looks just enough like you to pass off as you at your place of work. As long as he remains gainfully employed, you have some stolen cable to enjoy. Also, continue to cash the checks. There is no reason for you not to get paid for brilliant misdirection.

Wednesday, January 7, 2009

Five Ways You Can Die in Australia

As far as places that use boomerangs as currency go, Australia ain’t so bad. Except that you could die there. Which is why I recommend staying away. Not enough reason? Try this shit on for size. Just try and think about your friends and loved ones endlessly weeping because any of the following became a reality:

A bunch of fire ants could totally eat your ass.
The Australian state of Queensland has actually set up a Fire Ant Eradication Program (FAEP) because these suckers have a nasty habit of turning sleeping pregnant women into living fire ant colonies by laying eggs in the woman’s eyes and brain. Is that shit weird or what? Don’t go to Australia.

A Jellyfish could totally string your ass and cause your heart to stop.
The box jellyfish has a sting so powerful that it literally can stop your heart. Box jellyfish are also called sea wasps because they have been known to fly out of the water and paralyze little kids with their toxin and drag them back underwater to their sea hive. Sea wasps do not eat human children, but they do enjoy collecting them.

Your ass could get violently flung out of a windshield in a horrific car accident.
Look, you can get in a car accident anywhere. I realize this. However, you’re far more likely to be the victim of a fatal accident when driving in Australia because everyone is driving extremely fast and with reckless abandon because they’re trying to get away from all the fire ants and sea wasps.

You unsuspecting ass could fall off something really high.
What if a guy that said he was Crocodile Dundee said he wanted to show you something and you obliged and instead of actually showing you something he just kidnapped you and threw you off a cliff? These are the questions you must ask.

Someone could totally murder your ass.
Let’s say you’re on vacation and you want to pick up some souveneries for a friend. Imagine this: as you walk to the store a man brutally stabs you, leaving you to slowly bleed out under the harsh Australian sun. Even if you were driving to the store, somebody could just hide in your rental car and stab you at the base of your skull with an icepick like the Jewish guy from Goodfellas.

Monday, January 5, 2009

How do I celebrate American Heart Health month?

January is a special month, not only because it is the first of the new year or of Martin Luther day, but because it is a month that asks you the seldom-asked question of "is my American heart healthy?" We aim to answer that question with a simple "of course it is." Your American heart is healthy because it is American, and American hearts never say die. Knowing this, you no longer have to ponder your vitality. You can instead just relax and enjoy American Heart Month without all of the cholesterol tests and tracing your family history of heart disease. Here are ways that we Americans can celebrate having the most healthiest Goddamn hearts.

Food makes everything happy
Celebrate your heart by gorging on all the things you would not eat if you had an unhealthy heart (impossible for Americans, but just pretend you are from Canada.) My rule of thumb is to only eat food that would be found at circuses and carnivals. Funnel cakes and other deep-fried desserts should command your attention through every meal, from breakfast, brunch, lunch, linner and dinner. I suggest you pick up a personal deep fryer for this month, and experiment with Twinkies and candy bars. If you already eat these food items throughout the year, slow down and let the rest of us lesser-Americans catch up : ). (<-this is a period, not an age spot on a smiley. those are disgusting and utterly not American) Put your heart on display
As heart is also the symbol for love, make sure everyone knows how much you love them by putting your heart out there. Leave it in the open, put it in a glass box, or wear it on your sleeve, if you enjoy wordplay as much as I do. While scientists are still discussing whether or not it is healthy to have your heart outside your body for an extended period of time, you should be alright as long as you can get a cheap but effective surgeon to take it out and put it back in once February rolls around. If you have scruples about cutting your heart out and parading it around, I suggest just creating a window into your chest cavity, as you never know when it will become useful. Also, this is American Heart month, and if you do not show your heart, I suggest you get the fuck off our land.

Go to the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory
For an evening or a week, there is no better place than the Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones Heart Conservatory. Closed to the public for every other month, we open the conservatory to the masses during January so onlookers can see the many differences between animal hearts and homeless human hearts. Each heart comes accompanied with a plaque describing who or what it belonged to, and to what lengths we went to obtain it for our private-gone-public collection. Let us charm you with our personal tours every 30 minutes, and are open from 8 AM to 5 PM. Open bar. Americans only.

Sunday, January 4, 2009

How do I not look like a tool when eating alone in a public setting?

If you ever see anyone eating anywhere and they are without any company, you can reasonably infer that they have no friends and will die alone with no lasting mark on this world save for a half-written memoir that will be lost when their computer is accidentally dropped by distant family trying to sell their possessions only a week after their death. However, you might find yourself with a good circle of friends and loved-ones but are nonetheless, on a rare occasion, eating alone. Maybe you need some fast food on your way somewhere and you don’t like eating in your car. Maybe you don’t have a car and the food would be cold by the time you walked home. Whatever the reason, everyone is going to think you’re just a shell of a human being unless you employ some of the following tactics:

Use your cell phone while you eat.
Cell phones are designed so that no one will ever have to communicate with anyone face-to-face, so if an onlooker sees you eating alone but utilizing your phone, the only logical conclusion that can be drawn is that this is only a fleeting instance of aloneness and you clearly have thriving social links. Speak into your phone at an audible volume while talking about all the crazy shenanigans your friends have been involved in recently. Feel free to lie and make shenanigans are extra exciting. It’s very important that everyone else at Chipotle sees you for the fun guy you are. Another option is to keep sampling the same ring tone over and over so it would appear to an onlooker that people are constantly calling you.

Don’t be writing a screenplay while you eat.
If anyone had any doubts about you leading a lonely life because you’re eating alone, writing a screenplay as you stuff your face is going to make things that much worse. You are eating alone because no one wants to hear about your film about a busty, half-werewolf, half vampire, eighteen-year old who coaches an inner-city high school chess team. That idea sucks and you suck.

Knit or crochet.
You’ve seen old ladies knitting or crochet publicly and you know they’re not knitting for themselves. If someone sees you knitting, they can only assume you’re a generous person with plenty of friends.

Just kidding. They’d just silently hate you.