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Friday, November 28, 2008

How do I tell if I had a successful Black Friday?

Black Friday (observed) is the day the slaves were freed in 1865 and is now a huge shopping holiday. Stores commemorate human rights and the emerging of common sense by having doorbusters, early birds, and dawn scavenger sales. However, the successes of your shopping can not be determined by simple monetary values. As we know, there is more to life than just money and the saving of said money. This checklist is meant to itemize your Black Friday (observed) experiences to make sure you are living a fulfilling life.

___Did you cut in any lines?

___Did you see anyone get jacked in the face?

___Ratio between how much you spent/how much you were going to spend

___Ratio between how much you spent/your life savings

___How many crying babies did you tolerate?

___Did you witness a bitchfight?

___Did you use your charisma and experience from hard-living to cajole extra deals?

___How many people did you see that you never want to see again?

___Did you only shop at Wal-Mart (God, I love Wal-Mart)?

___Did you see someone driving the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Did you drive the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Was that you who almost fucking hit me?

___Did you do any shopping for your family?

___Did you even see your family?

___Did you shake the hand of a black man and thank him for this day?

___Did you accidentally wish someone "Merry Christmas" despite it being 28 days away?

Checks count as one points, and each dollar counts as .005 of a point. If you got over 3 points, congratulations! You are living a fulfilling life that does not need to be in check, because seriously, you got this life shit down. If you were that person who almost hit me, really? I mean, there were signs everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Turkey Day Around The World

In America, Thanksgiving is obviously the celebration of the invention of hats with buckles on them. That fashion was then mercilessly imposed on the Native Americans and when they eventually caved, we celebrated with a turkey dinner.

But what about around the world? Holidays are by definition universal the world over (derived from the Latin roots hollus and dayus, which means “celebrated” and “by all motherfuckers,” respectively), so how does turkey day look in the scope of other cultures?

Ignorant reader, allow me to force-feed you some culture.

In Columbia…
A typical Colombian family will have a meal similar to an American Thanksgiving dinner. However, the side dishes, silverware, and the table itself will be made of cocaine. The turkey will remain typical poultry. Unless of course the family is poor. In which case, the turkey will be made of cocaine.

In Germany…
German children will spend the day before hiding their shoes. In all honesty, this isn’t really a German Thanksgiving thing as it is just a German thing in general.

In Jamaica…
John Candy goes door to door organizing families into bobsled teams. The families then race against the clock on a bobsled track three times. As is Jamaican custom, the first run is embarrassing, the second one is impressive, and the third and final run comes dangerously close to breaking an Olympic record but tragedy strikes and the bobsled flips over. The family then carries the bobsled to the finish line while receiving rousing applause in the process. Much like Americans, Jamaicans often confuse John Candy and Chris Farley.

In North Korea…
People starve as a frightening government pursues nuclear weaponry in lieu of any sort of social welfare program. It’s kind of like half of a Tom Clancy novel.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Famous Killing Machines: Henry David Thoreau

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.

Henry David Thoreau and his "Civil Disembowelment"

Thoreau is known as a transcendentalist, a famous writer, and for taking his last stand in a giant wooden cart filled with gunpowder and rage. After writing Walden and Civil Disobedience, he saw that the return to nature he wanted the American public to take would never happen, and that the taxes he told them not to pay were paid in full. This made Henry David Thoreau angry. He started to write another essay, which remained unfinished. Here is an excerpt:

On All of You Guys Being Douchebags

Seriously? I'm trying to put myself out there and get everyone to not support a government that supports war, and you're just gonna keep paying taxes? Great. I'm glad I stayed up all fucking night writing that. In fact, I'm so happy I spent all that time on Walden pond, since none of you cockasses are going to take this seriously. Do you have any idea all the shit I had to go through up there? I had no outside contact except to go to my mother's every other Sunday. My only human contact was MY MOTHER. Can you even fucking imagine doing that? No, you can't, because you never had the stones to live in a fucking cabin, on a pond, in a forest, away from society, to show everyone how amazing nature is. And it is. But you wouldn't know, because you are all a big ol' dicks.

MURDER and taxes

It was soon after this he started creating his killing machine. It was his goal to make people aware of his writings by killing them. In their death, he made sure that they did not pay their taxes ever again. This was to stick it to the man, and also set an example for their family and friends. The message of "Henry David Thoreau is gonna fuck you up."

Being a transcendentalist by nature (GET IT?), The killing machine was naturally (GET IT?) made of wood. It was bulky, bipedal, and had many layers of wood to protect Thoreau from various musketballs. The machine was outfitted with two giant saws on both of it's arms, and a pair of scissors on its head. There was also some slits in the torso of the machine, as it was Thoreau's plan to set fireworks off from this part as a last resort.

Like this, but only if he were to bear children with Wood Man.

His master plan did not work out so well. He imagined that, because of the war in Mexico, the law-enforcement of his town would be lacking. However, because everyone did not read his essays and continued to pay their taxes, the law-enforcement was even more plentiful. This means by the fourth house that he had broken into, there was already 5 officers following him, and continuously hitting him with batons. The killing machine was cumbersome, and when he tried to swing his saw-arms at the police, they would just step out of the way, knowing that it would take another 5 minutes for Throeau to build up the strength to swing again. Annoyed, Thoreau tried to lit off his fireworks and shoot them out of his torso, but this proved fatal for Thoreau, as his clothes were made entirely of gunpowder.

John Wayne LEGACY
Emerson tried to do a similar thing, but the "Self-Killiance" never really took his town by storm. As such, he injected himself with pneumonia and died. The clothing explosion of Thoreau cost the lives of four police officers. In commemoration of this and to make sure that nothing like this happened again, the nation started destroying nature.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Field Research: Dropping Acid and Going To An NHL Game

The following is a transcript from a tape recorder. In a realization that if someone asked him if he knew if going to a professional hockey game on acid is really scary he would not be able to supply a sufficient answer, Mr. Jones attended a Black Hawk’s game in the proper state to answer the such a question.

The tape recorder that this transcript is derived from was found in a tube stock about half a block away from the office of The Guide. It is as follows:

How much is too much? Worse yet, how much is too little. What’s the point of doing this if I don’t take enough. What if I take too much acid and it lodges in my brain and I forget stuff? Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t forget how to swim, my friends would be so disappointed. Swimming is what birds do in the sky, but for fish. [Tape recorder drops] Gravity shouldn’t still work if the ice is bleeding. Stop bleeding ice. GODDAMIT SOMEONE HELP THE ICE. People are staring but they are not helping the ice. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU STAND IDLEY BY WHEN THE ICE IS BLEEDING?! [Children’s voice being hushed by parent] Yes! At least you guys understand. You go get help and I’ll make sure the bleeding doesn’t get worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Horse. I can get home and avoid traffic if I ride bareback to back to the office. I don’t know how to ride bareback. I need a bareback, though. Names are names for a reason. Shirt off. [People laughing] Oh God. They’re laughing because they don’t think I know how to ride bareback. I have to commit. Act like a professional. Pants off. [People screaming] Sound is a playground and screams are the bullies! Can’t let bullies catch me! [Pounding footsteps] [Panting] Screams are fast. They’re following me. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. Parkinglotisbleedingtoo. [Panting] Gotta stop the bleeding. Apply pressure. [Police sirens] Nononono. Man in blue wants me to stand up. Can’t stand up because I can’t release pressure. Man in blue is not a man of math. He doesn’t understand the transitive property. If it bleeds, I bleed. Then if I bleed, he bleeds too. [Cop yelling] LET GO! I’M SAVING ALL OF US!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

How do I cut away from in-jokes?

In-jokes in everyday conversation are a bane to strangers and potential booty calls. The conversation becomes an archaic labyrinth of mystery and disinterest, as you make callbacks to that one thing your friend said when your guys went to see the midnight showing of Space Chimps dead drunk.

This is no way to net poon.

Instead, here is some anecdotal advice about how you can shy away from terrible stories of your stupidity.

Don't Digress
Always stay on subject. Never take your -mouth-eyes off the vocal-prize. I learned this lesson from one time when Mr. Jones and I were clubbing, as we usually do. It was a foam party and we both noticed this girl and fancied her equally. He starts talking and stuff so I tried to stop him by saying "Rocklicked" really loud. We both laughed really loudly, because that relates back to an earlier story where we went to WWE RAW. Mr. Jones really wanted to see Ric Flair, and while we were there, this security guard came up to us and asked us what we were doing, and Mr. Jones was all like "Hey mister, what's the mustard?" and I could only hope to contain my laughter, because that was just like the time we were at this opium den.

Reevaluate your personal stories
Some of those tales you weave in order to better your appearance are not as effective as you think. In fact, a study done by the University of Thug claims that "your stupid ass stories ain't no shit." (Curtis, 2007) From this point we can see that you should trim the fat and only use the best "Pories." Sorry, personal stories. Pories came into being when we happened across a homeless man who was eating the remainder of a police horse. Both the hobo and the horse reeked of blood and nightmares, but we told him, in unison, to "wrap it up" which goes back to when we were both generals in the Vietnam War, but for entirely different reasons. Well, both of them do relate to blood and nightmares in a way. I guess.

Have possible topics in mind
Read a newspaper or find some random fact sites on the internet so you can have an axillary conversation in the "wings." Sorry, that one was for Mr. Jones. He loves "that show." Sorry, that one was for me, because I loved That 80's Show. It was such a good series, it's a shame it never got the attention it deserved. Did you ever watch it? It's like what my persona hero John Grisham once said: "sometimes the best puppies are the ones who have to get shot first." I think he said it. It might have been my dad.

Monday, November 17, 2008

How do chairmen of the FCC get appointed?

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is the government agency that regulates the airwaves. It is there work, and only their work, that keeps 9 year-olds across the country safe from the horrors of side boob.

The FCC regulates other things as well, including language, but mostly side boob. This is a good thing because side boob is a lot like front boob, only way more terrifying and confusing. Just like how it’s really weird when you don’t recognize a friend from a weird angle, side boob can cause confusion in children and make them believe that side boob is a beast all it’s own, instead of just boob from a different vantage point.

Although extensive literature exists on side boob, the real issue is how does one get in the position to regulate side boob on the public airwaves? The answer is a closely guarded secret that pits a potential FCC chairman on a trial he will no doubt find difficult while at the same time enlightening. The trial comes in three steps, culminating in an FCC initiation ceremony.

Step 1: The Ungoodening
An individual seeking the coveted position must simply borrow a loved one’s favorite VHS (without them knowing, discreetness is crucial) and redub all the swear words into retarded nonsense that effectively ruin the feel of the movie. Bonus points are received if the altering of swears actually changes the plot in a significant way. Bonus points can be redeemed for a personal censorship keychain, which is actually just a Taboo buzzer taped to a keychain.

Step 2: The Unudening
An individual take a porn VHS (it must be a VHS, this is crucial) and using nothing more than a VHS and another blank tape cut it in such a way that it looks just like a poorly acted movie where a busty woman gets her TV fixed, pipes fitted, pizza delivered, pool cleaned, stabled shoveled, or house demolished.

Step 3: The Unwalleting
You must find a man in a flannel jacket (it must be flannel, this is crucial) and fine him everytime he does something you don’t particularly like. Word of warning: as someone not yet initiated as an FCC chairman you have no authority to demand he pay his fine. You must either be really convincing or take it from by force. Just be careful that the man in the flannel jacket is actually male and not just a well-built lesbian. The FCC does not take kindly to those who collect money from larger homosexual women who are dressed like lumberjacks.

The Ceremony
I have no idea what takes place in the ceremony. I didn’t make it this far. I like boobs and swearing too much. Also, I beat up a lesbian. Not because she was a lesbian, but because she was wearing flannel and I didn’t read the debriefing very well.

They did let me have the Taboo buzzer, though.

Friday, November 14, 2008

How do I sneak into a daycare center?

While Mr. Jones maybe right with his claims to superior jingle ability or jingbility, one thing that has rubbed off on him is a penchant into invading privacy and being places he does not belong. For awhile, our slogan was "The things we learned from invading privacy and being places we do not belong," but Law and Order came on the air 5 months later and we realized that we had to completely rework every jingle to fit its theme song. Our current motto can be seen on our banner, and can be sung to the theme to the Law and Order theme song, SVU arrangement.

Back to the heart of the manner, Mr Jones suggested that people should break into daycares and whisper slogans to 2-3 year old kids as they napped. I fully condone this, but you cannot just sneak into a daycare center on a whim. It takes carefully planning, training, and observation, which I will condense into a few sparse paragraphs.

1. Know the schedules - You cannot barge into a daycare and expect that nap time is always at 11:30 (in fact, you shouldn't barge into the daycare at all due to the nature of this mission. Keep this in mind.) Know the times of coffee breaks, smoke breaks and nap breaks that the teachers push on the children.

2. Keep on the DL -Observe the operations of the daycare for a full day from a non-suspicious van. It is important that people do not think you are watching them as they are against your guerrilla sloganing, so it's important to make sure your van has as few windows as possible.

3. Have an exit strategy - Lets say you somehow screwed up our advice and got caught when trying to sneak in. Always know where the the closest door, window, or incinerator is at all times. If you take interest in the theatre, go incognito as someone who would not be out of place at a daycare center. This includes, but not limited to, mailmen, parents, grandparents, confused people, Santa Claus child predators, and candymen. Be creative with your disguises. Even if you get caught, you can hope that they will at least appreciate the innovation you brought to your disguises and will let you off.

IF you are caught in one place, chances are your whole operation will be compromised as the daycare center community is a very tight-knit group when it comes to people guerrilla sloganing. I think it's because they hate America.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

How do I make a marketable slogan for annoymous sex?

Leon Firestone claims to know a lot about making marketable slogans for promoting anonymous sex but the fact of the matter is he acquired the skill from me. For record, this isn’t me getting on my “I’m the master” soapbox. In many partnerships the transferring of skills from one partner to another is a natural process that should be embraced. While I may have taught Leon everything he knows about making sex slogans, I have learned plenty by his hand. I have him to thank about everything I know about the process of making crystal meth. He also taught me how to ride a bike.

With that being said, I am very much the master and here are some tips towards making that slogan for anonymous sex that you’ve always wanted. Not only that, but by going through these steps, I will create an example slogan to help you learn.

Step 1: Make sure the slogan starts with a condition people can immediately identify with.
White Hen’s slogan was “When you run out, run out to White Hen.” As a slogan for anonymous sex it’s subpar, as a slogan in general it’s a pretty solid representation. The “When you run out” part is key because it gives listeners a condition to identify with and because it comes first and grabs attention. People do run out and when they think about running out of something, that little slogan pops into their head. You have to do the same thing but for anonymous sex. Phrases like “When you want to bone with a stranger…” or “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore…” For our example, we’ll choose the latter.

Step 2: List the location for anonymous sex.
There is nothing worse than being told to meet someone at a glory hole only to not be able to find it in time. This confusion is often called "Glory-Holers remorse." Communication is key with anonymous sex because of the fact no names are exchanged. There is absolutely no margin for error because you can’t call or text the person to remedy any miscommunications. Using this and by building off of step one, the example slogan now reads “If you feel the urge to gte your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street.”

Step 3: Clarify that location.
I can’t stress the need for clarification enough. Think about some confusion that may arise from the location and address them in the slogan. Now the slogan reads, “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street.”

Step 4: Make it musical.
I know there is a difference between a slogan and a jingle, but that doesn’t mean a slogan can’t have a sing-song quality! “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street” becomes a much catchier slogan when you sing it to the theme of Law & Order. You’re free to make up your own melody but why bother? The Law & Order theme is pretty sweet.

Step 5: Get people to repeat it.
Between the ages of 2-3, children are prone to repeat almost anything they hear. During naptime, sneak into a daycare and repeatedly whisper it into every child’s ear. When they wake up, your slogan will reach new levels of circulation.

Monday, November 10, 2008

How do I solicit sex in a gas station?

The holiday season is approaching and, as we all know, gas station bathroom sex becomes more imperative to you operating as a human being. Actually initiating these bathroom rendezvouses is a different story. Here are some tricks of the trade that I have picked up from the last 30 years of anonymous, but sweet bathroom sex.

(Note: I know this might be surprising for some readers, but this is not me coming out of the closet. Bathroom sex and homosexuality can be mutually exclusive interests. This isn't gay or anything, this is just men admiring each others strength.)

1. Find a reliable gas station

Reliability in gas stations and gas station bathrooms are not directly correlated. The nicer the gas station, the less likely you will find people who are willing to sully it. In my personal experience, the best folk you can find will be in Phillips 66 gas station bathrooms. I swear by this and have sent in letters and made phone calls to see if they would be interested in using me for an advertising campaign. However, we could not reach an agreement. Not only because it was not an image they were looking for, but the slogan I proposed was "Get away from your nagging, lifeless failures for 15 magical (or at least interesting) minutes." In hindsight I see that this was not a good slogan. I'll break this down later for "How do I make a marketable slogan to promote anonymous sex?"

2. The writing on the walls

The bathroom wall was a more intimate precursor to the internet. It functioned as both the best parts of Craigslist and the worst parts of 4chan combined through an unholy union of Sharpie and metal. Go from stall to stall and examine the last posts. Wade through the filler like "first!" and "Want to be a hero in bed?" to find actual times and dates. Just like the internet, be wary of the ads you choose to answer, because a RickRoll is highly possible. You have to plan around the posters schedule, something that is a lot easier to do once you realize your family is dead weight and life is much better just roaming bathroom to bathroom while the snow falls and the nights grow colder and longer.

3. ...Or just do your own thing
If you feel daring, you can always go for the series of toe-taps, tongue clicks and bird calls to find any potential people around you. You can also say code phrases. I personally say "so then the guy says rectangle?" I know I found a possible person if I hear the response "Damn near killtangle." Not only does this find possible mates, but matches on a much more personal level. Of course, that doesn't matter, because you are never gonna see them again, but it's the thought that makes the whole process go much smoother, and smoothness is going to be in need.

4... Or just go on the real internet . It's a great resource of local directories, profiles, interests, and what possibly friends are looking for in random truck stop hook-ups. You can also tell tales of woe on how your life use to be before you started pursuing random truck stop hook-ups. These are usually tear jerkers, but always inspirational.

So there you go. No extravagant stories on my past experience of gas station sex, but I think I get the point across that anyone can partake. Especially at the Phillips 66 on 156 and Kinkade Street. At three, six, nine, and twelve. Everyday. Not gay.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The process of becoming a saint, explained

We’ve all got that friend. That friend that’s a real cool guy, but you can’t help but feel he’s better than you. He never mentions it and to be honest, he probably would be offended if you brought it up to him. That’s because he’s humble, and that is only one of the many reasons he’s better than you.

So you spend your nights awake, your unblinking stare burning a hole into your ceiling as you wonder what’s it going to take for me to one up this motherfucker? You could get a PhD. That would give you a feeling of superiority over him. But what if invest your heart and soul into academia only to have him still make more money than you. In that case, he’s even better than you because he didn’t try nearly as hard as you did.

The answer? Become a saint. Your friend will find it hard to be superior to a Goddamn saint and if he still manages to give off that pompous vibe at least you know you’re better because being a douche bag to a saint makes the saint more superior of a person by default. I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the Constitution that explains it. If not, it’s so prevalent in our American culture that it might as well be.

They don’t just hand out halos, though. This is probably for the best because if they were free or you could buy them, it’s safe to assume your better-than-you-always friend would have one. He has everything.

Well what you have to do is perform three miracles. I always thought miracle was a vague term, but I called the Vatican and they faxed me a transcript and it turns out it’s not really vague at all. It’s actually very simple to understand, and I feel a little stupid about being ignorant about it for so long.

This was what the fax had to say on the subject of attaining sainthood:

A saint must complete at LEAST one miracle from three of the miracle domains; repeated miracles in the same category do not count towards sainthood.

Miracles of the Helpy Variety
-Devote your entire life to helping someone that’s totally going to end up dying on you
-Help a group of people that are unaware of God by making them balls scared of Him
-Invent a machine that feeds people and that is powered by prayer
-Plan a fundraiser

Miracles of the Flashy Variety
-Win of a game of HORSE by only making shots with eyes closed and facing the wrong direction
-Fight a guy on the top of the train but the fight has to end with a guy not noticing the fast approaching tunnel until it’s too late
-Make a stranger cry
-Hunt vampires and make it seem like it’s not the coolest thing ever

Miracles of the Holy Variety
-Convince a bunch of people that everything looks like the Virgin Mary
-Call out a priest for referencing the wrong passage in the bible
-Eat a whole box of a Communion wafers
-Bleed from the eyes

Saints also need to take a computer literacy class, which can be waived with a satisfactory exam score.

It's that simple.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Key moments in American-Hologram history

Yesterday was no doubt an important time for America and for the world. In fact, it is now a national holiday in Kenya. Loosely translated to "Day of Transperant Visage," it's a day set aside to recognize the importance of CNN and its new use of hologram reporting, which brings centuries old technology to the media's forefront. Here is a breif history on how the hologram has helped out America in the past, and will no doubt prove more helpful in days to come (how could they not?)

1775 - The hologram was first used during the Revolutionary War, when the King would broadcast himself into the colonies and deliver stern speeches about how these defectors will be crushed. No one took him seriously. This was due both to his message to the colonies, and Benjamin Franklin would do this thing where he would pretend like he was humping the King, but the King had no idea why everyone was laughing. This is how Benjamin Franklin got the nickname "Ol' King Porker," something we can see on our 100 dollar bills to this day.

1864 - General Lee fooled General George McClellan by broadcasting the holograms of soldiers into his army of 20 to add an additional 40 ghosts of fallen soldiers. This caused George McClellan to say his famous catch phrase "G-g-g-ghost!" and run away with him army following him. As per orders, the troop's saxophone boy was ordered to play Yakety Sax during the retreat.

1921 - Chicago speakeasies used holograms as decoys to distract police officers during raids. This led to the arrest of 36 different individuals who were actually made out of light. Their legacy can be learned at the Museum of Science and Industry, and in the city's election process, where each 36 has voted 7 times in every election since 1921.

1945 - The Japanese try to execute a kamikaze attack on Pearl Harbor for the second time, only it has been replaced with a hologram. There are no American casualties, and very few Japanese casualties surprisingly. After it was realized that it was a hologram, the Japanese knew they could not return home because returning home from a kamikaze mission would bring dishonor. Instead, they just flew around aimlessly, trying to find something that was worthy of flying into it. They ended up settling in Mexico and building the bar which would later be the model bar used in Cheers. A call out to them can be seen on a special thanks during the famous last episode, when a Japanese plane crashes into the bar.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Blogging Ethics

Leon and I just recently completed The Survival Guide’s first book tour. The tour started in Kansas City, took us to Detroit and ended in the beautiful city of Newark, New Jersey. It should be noted that the Survival Guide does not have a published book, nor do we really have the intention of doing so. Leon and I are just confident in our abilities as writers that we felt that we could warrant a book tour without actually having published anything tangible.

Correction: anything tangible of literary merit. On every odd weekend I publish and distribute my own version of the Federal Papers that accuses a chubby boy from the neighborhood of being a total pussy. I’m not crazy, though; I know this pamphlet onslaught does not have literary merit. It does however, have journalistic merit.

It's a lot like this, except the word pussy appears three times as frequently.

In Detriot, a young man asked us blogging ethics. To put this into a timeline, this was after our car was stolen but before we were mugged and at the exact same time a guy peed on Leon.

We were stumped. We didn’t know what to say. And this wasn’t because we were overcome by the pungent smell of urine wafting off of Leon. All too often he reeks of urine and we have both become accustomed to dealing with it. After a while it became endearing, like a family dog that can’t stop farting.

Blogging ethics? At the risk of sounding unprofessional, I told the young man that sounds totally fucking gay. The blogosphere (which concidentially, is located in Newark) is far too diverse to impose a single set of ethics.

In response he stated that Eric Mueller, a law professor, felt that blogs “can be a check on big media.”

I told him that citing sources was for pussies. And that makes him a pussy. Although I do not know this man’s name, chubby boy from the neighborhood will receive a few weeks reprieve because my Federalist Pussy Papers just found a new target.

So no, for the first time, Leon and I have nothing to say on the subject of blogging ethics. However! We do have a set of rules that will help you identify a shitty blog.

Look at the URL.
Is .blogspot located in the url? If it is, it means whoever writes the blog is a jackass that can’t afford hosting on a service that isn’t free. The only thing worse is if the blog has a .com address that just takes you to a blogspot website. This means the fuckers were only willing to drop the 3 dollars for a domain name and operate under the impression that it makes them more official somehow. Stay away at all costs.

Are they using their real names?
People that are not willing to divulge to write under their real names are not to be trusted. For example, my name is Mr. Jones. If I wanted to deceive readers into thinking I am someone else, I would use a fake name like Dr. Bones. No one has the first name of Dr., that’s just retarded. Stay away from assholes that use titles like they are first names.

Do they frequently refer to things that are obviously fictional as if they are real?
There is nothing shittier in a blog than building up a mythology. Here at the Survival Guide, you know damn well whenever we reference our office it exists in a determinate location and everything in it as we real as it say it is. Especially the giant skunk ape we keep in the attic. Again, if you answer yes to this question, the sooner you stop reading the better.

Does the blog have a banner at the top of the page, depicted a black and white illustration of two men in a flying machine?
Be careful when deciding whether or not something is a flying machine or not. Hang gliders, for example, are not flying machines. Airplanes though? Totally are. This gives a new meaning to the old saying “If the blog has an airplane in the banner at the top, tell your friends it sucks.”