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Wednesday, April 30, 2008

Etiquette Excellence: Shopping in the Apple store

For those unfamiliar with the Apple store, let me inform you: the Apple store is different. Whatever preconceived notions you have about what a store is, or how one should operate, cast them aside immediately; otherwise you might leave the Apple store with less than you came in with. If that last sentence seemed cryptic and vague, just imagine that scene from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom where that dude gets his heart ripped right out of his chest. Are we on the same page now? Good.

Know your enemy.
As a general rule of thumb, when you’re in enemy territory, you don’t want to draw unwanted attention to yourself. Now, you may be thinking, “Enemy territory? I am a Mac person, I’m one of them!”

No. You are not. Despite how knowledgeable you may think you are in the world of Apple products, there are people in the Apple store that will not take your trespassing lightly. These people have more Ipods than you, they buy Macs in specific colors so they can hold a room together, and they will not hesitate to kill your Dad because he doesn’t use a FireWire cable to upload photos from his digital camera.

Dress Mac appropriate.
Although a typical Apple store customer will not hesitate to castrate an outsider with an external hard drive, they are extremely accommodating to their own kind. In order to disguise yourself as one of them, consider the following list of what to wear and what not to wear.

Try to wear:
A beret
A shirt that says “I love Apple TV.”
An ammo bandolier
A monocle
A necklace made of human tongues
A magical monkey paw that grants wishes

Do NOT wear:
WWJD bracelets
“Frankie says relax” t-shirts
Things bought in the suburbs

Do NOT act like Justin Long.
Yeah, he’s “the Mac guy” on the commercials, but just like how Australians refuse affiliation with Crocodile Dundee in Los Angeles, Mac users do not like being lumped in the same group as Justin Long. This is mainly because Mac people don’t like it when people say the word “PC.” It is also has to do with the fact he’s dating Drew Barrymore and that girl got a bitch face.

related guides:
How do I rip hearts out?
D.I.Y Time: How do I make a necklace made of tongues?
What if Drew Barrymore is trying to kill me because I said she has a bitch face? Isn't she just pissed Charlie's Angels sucked?

Monday, April 28, 2008

How do I get a girl to ask me to prom?

As men, we fear only three things: confrontation, being accountable for mistakes, and vagina. This makes the high school prom a conglomeration of our primal fears, yet something of a rite of passage for young men. There are many things that can go wrong in the planning phases. In fact, way too many things. What if, by asking out one girl, you piss off another, more attractive girl? What if prom with this girl is no fun because no one else likes her? What if the suit you picked out doesn't match her stupid bitch ass dress?

If only there was a way to shift all possible blame onto someone else if the first night of the rest of your lives goes to shit...


Picking out your girl
In order for this love-heist to work, you need to pick a girl who A.) hasn't gotten asked yet, and B.) who you can convince to really like you. Stay within neighboring cliques, but don't go for the teen-movie "She's All That" scenario of going after a chick with glasses and a ponytail. She doesn't have the self-confidence, anyhow. You need a strong woman who will take initiative, and as I relearn every Thursday night in the dungeon, strong women with initiative are the best.

Dropping the hints
If a girl were to hint that you should ask her out, she would leisurely drop hints about how she does not have a prom date and how she just does not know what to do. You have to do this, but instead of coming off helpless, be a complete dick. What you say to her should be along the lines of "Yea, I want to go to prom, but I'm just trying to narrow it down to one of your friends." or "I want to go to prom, but I don't want to settle for a hambeast." By showing confidence and standards, she knows you are a man of conviction, which they like or something.

Now, if you really like this girl, you will no doubt want to destroy the chances of anyone else tasting her delicious fruits. Since she might have other suitors, make sure they know they are your bitch. Set their shit straight like Watergate through a combination of violence and intimidation, which I like to call "Viole-dation." Send warnings, break fingers, whatever you need to do to tell the suitors that this girl is the passive-aggressive world to you.

Final Desperation
After all of her possible suitors get systematically taken out, she will begin to think that maybe everyone that would possibly ask her to prom is in the hospital. She is right. Tell her this, and then respond truthfully when she asks if you have a date yet. Observe how it all falls into place, and how much genius you must posses.

While it may be sociopathic, you cannot argue with the results. She's happy because she has a date, and you're happy because you are now on your way to the rest of your life.

Other prom guides
D.I.Y Time: How do I make Roofies?
How do I hide a dumpster baby?
How do I skip town?

Friday, April 25, 2008

How do I score a waitress's phone number?

Everyone has that friend that met his girlfriend because she was his waitress. Chances are, this friend likes to recount, in grievous detail, just how suave he was when he scored her phone number. Chances are, this friend will also explain, in grievous detail, how their first date went. Chances are, this friend will elaborate, in grievous detail, what her vagina looked like on that magical evening. This will probably be accompanied with multiple charts and diagrams.

Now, after many long years of being on the receiving end of the vagina diagrams, you want to be that friend.

Know whether or not the establishment serves Coke or Pepsi products.
Consider this situation:

The waitress asks you what you would like to drink.
You tell her you’ll have a Coke.
She asks, “Is Pepsi alright?” and flashes a smile that clearly says, “You will never father my children.”
You say “Yeah, sure” and return a forced smile that says, “I’m sorry. Give me another chance. I can change.”
She says she’ll be back with the drinks in a minute, but you know damn well she’s heading to the back to tell all her pretty waitress friends about your little social faux pas.

You go home and cry and add TGI Fridays to the list.

In the field of picking up waitresses, knowledge of whether or not the restaurant has Coke or Pepsi products is inversely proportional to crying like a bitch with the lights off.

Try to only pick up waitresses that are serving your table.
You definitely can score some digits off a waitress that’s waiting on another table but it’s hard, especially if you don’t know the people at the other table. You can probably pull a fake “Fancy meeting you guys here!” shtick with some random people but it’s also entirely probable you’ll ruin some little girls birthday dinner and the mother will tell everyone to go wait in the car while she yells at you in front of the waitress. It’s hard to pick up women when you’re getting yelled at.

Make your intentions clear after leaving a generous tip.
The phrase “Keep the change” is like the best thing to happen to waitresses. After you tell her that, tell her to hold on and explain you would like her phone number. If she seems hesitant, quell her fears by explaining it’s not a sexual thing. You just want to construct a diagram of her vagina to show your friends.

Wednesday, April 23, 2008

Etiquette Excellence: Earth Week

Not more that five years ago, Earth Week was reserved for the dirt-crusted hippie man and the unshaven hippie woman as an excuse to remain relevant. However, recent truths have thrown Earth Week into the headlines, as companies compete to become greener than their competitors. Earth Week now is a time where people from around the world tell other people of the same world that they should appreciate this world more. It's a magical time, filled with discussion, conservation, and immediate threats concerning the fate of criminally adorable polar bears.

With this shift in focus, it has suddenly become uncool to litter and polluting will actually warrant a hoot from onlookers and environmentally-conscience owls. In order to circumvent such hoots, you must keep in mind some of the following when in a public setting.

Wear green
Whenever someone states that they are helping the environment, they are said to "gone green." Years ago, this would be associated with obtaining money or mass amounts of weed, but now this means that you are environmentally conscious and helping Mother Earth. The trick to this is that anyone can wear green, even if they punch Mother Nature in the boob nine times a day by driving a Hummer whilst throwing miscellaneous garbage out the window. This color is quickly invading holidays, as it has already claimed St. Patrick's day and co-ownership of Christmas. Earth week is its latest victim because the planet Earth is mainly blue. I know, fucked up right?

Have an emergency organic juice bottle
Earth week has slowly dissolved in not only matters of our Earth, but also the purities of our food and drink. Due to constant lecturing witnessed throughout this week on how people ought to live, you need a escape plan from this impending talking-to. If you are drinking a soda-pop or something equally as normal, pour it into a tinted bottle of Naked Juice and pretend that you know how evil those preserves are doing to your already chemical-filled body. Make sure to have this if you drink energy drinks, for you will not hear the end of "Bull sperm this," and "Your grandmother's ashes that."

Know your carbon footprint
To show how very aware you are of society and it's ecological issues, you can simply recite your carbon footprint. In order to figure it out, follow these simple directions:

Take the number of miles you drive in a day.

Multiply that by your pants size.

Divide that by how many breathes you breathe on an average day.

Times the root of that by your shoe size.

Add Pi

Subtract the name of the street you grew up on

Multiply that by the first name of a random celebrity.

Now when anyone asks me about my carbon footprint, I can proudly tell them that it's Bruce(357)-Spyglass Drive.

Monday, April 21, 2008

What do I do if a find a particular from The Survival Guide to Everyday Life to be lacking in quality?

This, my dear friend, is a question where you will find you had the answer all along. Leon Firestone and I are very important, busy people with countless obligations and dinner dates. Some of which are with attractive women, although most of them are with people so like us: bearded, intelligent, sub-par physical attractiveness, and black. However, dear reader, if you’ve ever been angry at a close friend only to find your anger disappear when you learn the whole story from a different perspective, you are equipped to answer your own inquiry.

Please consider the following:

Our Struggle
Leon and I share space frequently, but not so far as to say we live together because that implies we have chosen an alternative lifestyle, although the thirst for knowledge is certainly an alternative lifestyle. However, the cultural implication with the phrase “alternative lifestyle” implies homosexuality. Which is not the case. Nonetheless people still assume.

Do you have any idea how hard is it to work under these conditions? At least three times a day people will come and knock on our door and ask us if they can read a poem at our commitment ceremony. Not only that, but the phone is constantly ringing off the hook because attractive women are constantly trying to get us to go to Linens-n-Things with them because they really want to find that really good gay friend to shop with. And you know what? We’re not one to turn down someone in need (especially if they rate above a seven on our elaborate hotness scale), so a good part of our day is spent examining various 82-quart stainless steel coolers in a strip mall with gorgeous women. Sometimes if we have to make a return, we don’t get home till after midnight. Which, as you can imagine, gets in the way of producing quality guide entries.

Our Workspace
In order to produce a guide entry on a subject, we have to conduct conducive research. In fact, we actually ran out of room to conduct such research so we had to convert our bedroom into a room that is filled hundreds of mice running around with wires jammed into their synapses. We don’t know what that room will accomplish, but we do know we have to put our guide before our personal lives, which includes sleeping comfortably. For the last five months we’ve been sleeping on the roof of our four-level home. Which isn’t as bad as it seems, because we’ve constructed a machine that keeps the weather on our block a comfortable 78 degrees. That aside, Leon is terribly afraid of heights so he’s constantly on edge from night after night of constant paranoia that he’s going to plummet to his death. So yeah, you can see where the quality can suffer a bit.

Our Careers
As I stated before, I have a double minor in Jewish and Gay studies. What I have not stated was that I teach at a very private institution for students that specifically want to get only a double minor in Jewish and Gay studies out of their college career. When I’m not at the Linens-N-Things, I’m either grading papers or thinking of new ways to approach Jewish and gay people with a scholarly approach.

And then there’s Leon. When he’s not out in the valley trying to hunt boar so we can put food on the table (because God knows teaching can’t do it) he works at a factory that makes commemorative baseball plaques. His job is to forge famous baseball player’s signatures on the plaques so stupid twelve year olds think they actually own something of value.

So to answer your question, in short:

If you don’t like it, eat a bag of dicks. We’re trying.

Friday, April 18, 2008

D.I.Y Time: How do I make a Ventriloquist dummy?

Despite what your standard audience member might think, injecting majestic artistry into ventriloquist dummies is a time-consuming endeavor that will act as a laugh-enhancer to the already inherently-hysterical act of ventriloquism.

For the uninitiated, the word "ventriloquist" has Latin roots, and means "Belly Speaker." Of course, this was back in the day where evolution kept our brains in our stomach, which at the time had their own set of eyes, a fully functional mouth, and little feelers so they could gesture with ease. With time, the brain migrated towards the top of the body, and the term has been used to describe errant voices from unexplained sources.

How far we've come...

As an avid fan of ventriloquist theatre, I have observed hundreds of acts from the dimly lit tables, and the culmination of my observations have lead me to the following conclusion: The art of ventriloquism dates back to the good ol' stomach-brain days, where someone makes a dummy that resembles a person, then shove a entire human in their stomach to create what they in the business call a 'Reverse Pinocchio.'

Now, many people want to know the secret to being a good ventriloquist, and the best answer I can give you is to have a respectable human stuffed into the stomach of your dummy. That and practice. But practice cannot, and will not, happen unless you have a fully operational dummy. And to have a dummy you need a human small enough to fit inside. This is what they in the business call 'The Dummy-Makers Burden.'

Did you know... that the puppet is in charge of tying it's own bow-tie? AND HE ALWAYS GETS IT RIGHT?

Your options, assuming you have a volunteer:

Get a Shrink Ray ?
They still make these, right? They might have been pulled from the market, but I think I'm just getting confused with candy cigarettes.

Scientists are always attaching electrodes to animals and their brains to control them. Why can't they do this so that a human can shrink and fit into a wooden dummy comfortable, and talk in a comically high-pitched voice? I know why they do not try. It is because your destiny demands it of you. March on, you brave Ventriencetist.

If these options do not seem plausible, I guess we should just accept ventriloquists as the wizards they are and surrender powers of the state to them to better serve our country with their magical shrinking powers.

Wednesday, April 16, 2008

What exactly happens at a bar mitzvah?

As someone who has a double minor in both Jewish and gay studies, I feel I am more than qualified to answer this question. Granted, gay studies doesn’t have anything to do with a bar mitzvah, but I cannot never pass up an opportunity to plug the fact I graduated with two minors. Two. Most people only get one! If even! Not me, though. Two.

The bar mitzvah is a rite of passage into adult hood for Jewish adolescents. In Jewish tradition, after a boy goes through his bar mitzvah he is an independent individual responsible for his own actions. So independent that Jewish parents will force their sons to sever their domestic ties and force them out into the real world armed with nothing but a piece of glass and an old copy of Hustler.

A male’s bar mitzvah begins with a barefoot walk on hot coals. The coals are not symbolic of anything within the Jewish faith; in fact, the boy passes the test if he refuses to walk on the coals and instead opts to walk around so his feet will not be mercilessly burned. An important lesson in adulthood is that hot coals are dangerous and should not be fucking walked on. The Jewish people’s theory on hot coals is something many other cultures have absorbed into their own, and it’s universally accepted at this point that making someone walk on hot coals is a jackass thing to do.

In ancient Jewish culture, a bar mitzvah was an opportunity for a young Jewish male to prove his courage on the battlefield. This was proven by coming into such close proximity with an enemy that were you able to poke them with what the scriptures refer to as a “coup stick.” In ancient times, war was constant so the opportunities to stab people in the face with blunt objects to prove one’s manhood were common. However, in today’s modern world of women wearing pantsuits, war is restricted to locations overseas. Naturally, Bar mitzvahs themselves have adapted to the modern climate and now take place in banquet halls where Jewish boys wage war on the wait staff of the establishment as they ride around on horseback pummeling waiters with coup sticks as they try to serve drinks. For every waiter struck with a coup stick, the male receives a decorative feather to place on the stick.

The ceremony ends with two of the biggest staples in Jewish culture: clapping in unison and holding people in chairs over one’s head. The clapping and chair hoisting continues until the managerial staff of the banquet hall politely ask everyone to leave.

Sunday, April 13, 2008

WritingWorkshop: How do I write a Haiku?

Haiku is a new trend in poetry devised by the United States government to keep the Japanese people down during World War II. By creating a strict regimen for writers to follow that garners no possibility for coherency, they made an apt, yet propaganda-filled metaphor for what life was like for those who fought for the Pacific. However, this hate-art ending up giving birth to a respectable form of poetry. However, we have broken down the simple rules of Haiku so even the most loving of Japanese people can participate in poet-ganda.

First Line
This line can only have 5 syllables, and must be about nature. Keep in mind, use punctuation as you see fit. Sentences can start, but don't have to finish. Exploit this. If you can talk about the wind affecting something small like leafs or pebbles, that's for the best. If not, talk about a sharp disgust for freedom or capitalism.

A breeze blows leaves. Gone
Wind shatters the Dollar
The Axis conquers

Second Line
You have 7 syllables in this line, which gives you more freedom to not say anything relevant. This should describe the scene that the wind is blowing through, or crumbling America.

The forest is bare from. Gone
Gaze as the yen swims through blood
The Axis, seriously.

Third Line
To drive home the lack of originality the Japanese have, the U.S. Government had the third line be 5 syllables. No matter what you were writing about, whether it was about nature or capitalism being evil, you must end with:

We will never get bombed!

In hindsight, Eisenhower was kind of a dick.

Friday, April 11, 2008

What is Microsoft Access?

Before I can answer what exactly Microsoft Access is, I need to clear up some misconceptions about the business world.

When we think of huge companies (Microsoft, Coca-Cola, Nerf) we often operate under the assumption that executive decision-making is what made these corporations so powerful. We imagine CEOs with huge brass balls sitting atop designer leather thrones that spend their entire day yelling at their secretary to make sure it is on their desk by five, even though the CEO or the secretary have no idea what “it” is actually referring to.

But CEO’s don’t call the shots. Every company secretly houses an entrepreneurial shaman that excels in the decision-making that takes place in the competitive business climate. The shaman is typically dressed in expensive business attire, weighs in-between 300 and 400 pounds, and is constantly smoking a cigar that never ashes. Although a first-hand account of an entrepreneurial shaman has yet to hit the public, it can be reasonably inferred that they resemble the bad guy from Space Jam on a much grander scale.

CEO’s will consult with their company’s shaman several times throughout the course of a typical business day to attain new business propositions. These meetings are so crucial to a company’s livelihood that competing businesses will have their top employees spend many a hour in a darkened room drawing up elaborate schemes to assassinate a competitor’s shaman.

In order to continue to give quality business advice, a Shaman must ingest huge amounts of harvested data.

This is where Microsoft Access comes into play.

Access is a powerful computer program that has the ability to compile any kind of data (contact lists, an actor’s filmography, internet memes, etc.) and harvest nourishment so that it may be consumed by a company’s shaman. The raw nourishment is then saved to any kind of blank media and through an extremely secretive process, which involves blindfolds and trained ferrets, the media is then transported to the location of the shaman for consumption.

These shamans also have a voracious appetite for mice. It is not uncommon for a shaman’s living quarters to have a conveyor belt that delivers a continuous supply of dead mice to a shaman.

Microsoft Access has nothing to do with dead mice.

Wednesday, April 9, 2008

How do I fight a mountain lion?

To use a timely example, let's say that you are at a job interview, and everything is going swell. That is, until you realize that your job interviewer is actually a mountain lion who has affixed his jaw to your jugular. Now all etiquette and strategies previously learned for job interviewing should be discarded, and your new skill set should largely focus on dealing with the mountain lion.

Whether you are wearing a button down or heeded our advice and wore a tuxedo shirt with it's arms ripped off, rip your shirt open and hold out the sides of your shirt to make yourself appear bigger. It is in this stance where you both intimidate the mountain lion, and also put yourself in prime bear-hug position. This strategy always works in the childhood game "bear, mountain lion, manatee," and I don't think I need to tell you that bear ALWAYS beats mountain lion.

Do you like telling jokes? Do you like having your face eaten? Even if you are not the funniest guy in the room, this interest inventory should help you prioritize what you want to happen in this situation. Since mountain lions are inherently very self-conscience, you can use snappy insults hurt your interviewer and achieve the upper-hand. "Your momma" jokes are super effective, largely because lions are far and away from pop culture, and all the very old jokes are new to them.

Did you know... that Sinbad got his start in stand-up by nearly getting mauled by a mountain lion?

Last Resort
Punch him in the balls very hard. If in the rare instance that the job interviewing mountain lion is a girl, improvise.

Gentleman's Boxing
If you must engage in fisticuffs, remember that mountain lions will most likely start by throwing a quick jab at you. For starters I recommend you just dodge the jab and counter with one high punch. After about twenty seconds, they screech to the sky and switch to hooks and uppercuts. At 2:00 of the round they will spin their tail around counter clockwise and charge down at you and release a gigantic face-eating blow that will knock you down. You can dodge the Cat Attack special, but he will just keep using it over and over again. You have to connect with a low jab with a star punch to bring them down. If you have any problems, you can use the code 777 807 3454 to move onto the world circuit, or you can join the Nintendo fan club.

Monday, April 7, 2008

How do I impress a potential employer at a job interview?

The trick to a job interview used to be about selling yourself. Unfortunately, the fourteenth amendment put an end to that and now the best way to land that job is to impress the man or woman (it’ll be a man, don’t worry) conducting the interview.

Dress to impress.
How you dress conveys a lot of information. Coming in underdressed shows that you don’t respect your potential employer, while making yourself too attractive might actually intimidate him or her (but probably him). Split the difference by wearing a tuxedo t-shirt that has had the sleeves ripped off, revealing your colorful tattoo of a hooded cobra biting a vagina. The tuxedo shirt shows you have class, the torn sleeves shows you like to party, and the hooded cobra biting a vagina tattoo shows you know that awesome things are awesome.

Establish common ground.
Your potential employer (who is probably male) is a person with wants and interests just like you! Interviews are brief and to the point, so you don’t have much time to figure out whether or not your new boss really likes Phish. Tattoos often reflect such interests. As soon as the interview begins, pounce on the person and rip off as much clothing as you can while paying careful attention to tattoos. If the person interviewing you was, let’s say, a woman with the sexy librarian shtick, this could be really hot. But again, you know it’s going to be a dude. So don’t get your hopes up.

Bring a friend and have the two of you squeeze into one set of clothing so that you look like a two headed man with four arms.
Throughout the interview repeatedly talk about how quaint you think two-armed people are. This shows that you are a gentle giant and, although better equipped than almost everyone else, you understand. Talk extensively about your past employment where people were so impressed with your four arms. As you explain how you were respected and feared on a commercial fishing ship, grab four objects off your probably male interviewers desk and juggle them nonchalantly.

Friday, April 4, 2008

D.I.Y. Time: How do I make crystal meth?

Due to the highly illegal information found on in this entry, DEA officials have re-edited the following post. Our strict publication cycle did not allow us the time to oversee the changes, but we are sure that the integrity of this guide entry still remains.

To come to make such a fine substance such as REDACTED, one only needs gather 20 boxes of REDACTED and a REDACTED filled with EDITED PHARMACEUTICAL ITEM. Put the REDACTED upside down in a COMPLETELY NON-EXISTENT TYPE OF BOTTLE and soak it in A TYPE OF WATER THAT IS ONLY AVAILABLE ON THE MOON, SO DON'T EVEN TRY AND MAKE CRYSTAL METH.



Important note: Do not mix chemicals REDACTED and UNICORN'S BLOOD. I don't think I need to spell out what would happen if you mixed the chemicals REDACTED and UNICORN'S BLOOD.



Wednesday, April 2, 2008

How do I pick locks?

Much like parachuting out of a helicopter while wearing a tuxedo, lock picking is a great way to impress women. It’s also a great to make some spending money, since people like keep all kinds of stuff worth stealing locked away. As a rule, the bigger the lock, the better the loot it’s protecting. The exception to this rule would be if you’re breaking into a dwarf’s house. They have smaller hands so their locks are proptionally smaller but don’t let this fool you; Dwarves can have some pretty nice shit so don’t hesitate to steal from them. (When I say dwarves I mean little people, not Tolkien dwarves. If you manage to get the chance to steal form Tolkien dwarves, you should definitely go for it.)

Anyway, not all locks are picked the same way, so the tactics vary. Here are some of the more common ones:

Deadbolt Locks
Arguably the most straightforward lock to pick. Simply equip your lock pick and stab near the lock area while twisting your wrist violently. At this point, you should inexplicably see this:
All you have to do is use the pick to navigate pass the tumblers in the door. Warning: The tumblers can break your lock pick! Having a high dexterity rating and a high security skill greatly decreases the chances of breaking your pick. The difficulty of the lock is also displayed, so there is no excuse for biting off more than you can chew.

Combination Locks
Picking these isn’t really a matter of skill as it is of patience. You’re run of the mill combo lock combination consists of three numbers from zero to forty. Basically, all you have to do is keep at it until you figure it out and the laws of chance are on your side when you think about it. There’s only forty numbers and you only have to guess three of them in the right order. Also, wearing a stethoscope while you try to guess the combination also increases your chances of finding the combo sooner.

Child Safety Locks
Aptly titled because only a child can unlock them. A common misconception is you need a whole child to open the lock. Not true. A severed toddler index finger will easily pop open any child safety lock.

The Human Heart
When a girl talks about the key to her heart, she’s speaking literally. Although she might not give you the key, you’ll find a surgical saw and a bunch of rubber hosing to be more than an effective lock pick should the situation arise. And let me tell you, it will. It's a part of growing up.