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Monday, December 31, 2007

Travel Guide: Stonehenge

The purpose of Stonehenge is widely unknown, although many scholars speculate it was home to various ancient religious rituals. In all actuality, Stonehenge was built in 1910 by an anonymous monocled plutocrat. The plutocrat constructed the landmark on the wager that he couldn’t convince an entire populous that a pile of freshly carved rectangular rocks dated back to prehistoric times. Located 13 miles north of the city of Salisbury, the heist was easily pulled because the good people of Salisbury had yet to discover the concept of North. After a staged moment and discovery and plenty of media coverage, the Englishman won his wager. Under the typical rules of an English wager, his opponent had to go to work the next day wearing a dress.


Did you know... that the people of Salisbury used the same compasses as we do, but believed that the N pointed to the closest nougat reservoir?

Famous Events In Stonehenge History

1908: Construction of Stonehenge begins

1909: The workers employed to construct Stonehenge have a moment of regret as they find out “big rocks are heavy.”

1910: Stonehenge is completed

1912: Winston Churchill feels up his prom date under one of the massive stones.

1928: A deer is seen by Stonehenge. Scientists then predict that a deer constructed Stonehenge.

1930: Winston Churchill feels up a waitress under one of the massive stones.

1939: Hitler demands that the English government surrender Stonehenge to Germany. Churchill, fearful of losing his fabled “feel up” spot, says “No dice, Hitler.”

1941: Winston Churchill feels up President Franklin Delano Roosevelt under one of the massive stones.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

How do I tell the fate of the rider when looking at statues of war generals riding horses?

Under law punishable by death, all horse statues featuring war generals must adhere to a strict code as the fate of the rider can be determined through how many hooves a horse has on the ground in the sculpture.

Four legs on the ground
This means that the war general has been in battle, but was not impressed with it. He realized he could die at any second, but nothing cool happened to fill that time. He was sent home after the war was over without any interesting war stories, and became a disappointment to his immediate family.

One leg in the air
The war general on this horse is most likely tepid in nature, and unsure of himself in comparison to other war generals. Once he finds something he is passionate about, like say the burning of Atlanta, he will attach himself to it until it gets done. Though he is a go-getter in spurts, he is consistently a devil in the sack.

Two Legs in the air
While having two legs in the air is considered trampish in most social circles, it is not the same in the majestic world of horse-statues, as having two legs in the air means that the war general loved to fuck. Wait, I screwed that up. In any case, two hoofers are social beings who love the night life. These war generals are party animals by heart, but if they met the right person, would be more than willing to toss his old life aside to start something new. Also, they are very messy by nature.

Three Legs in the air
This war general will admit he's made mistakes. There are times where he knows he should have called you and times where he should have stayed home with you instead of going out with the guys. He's really sorry, and you know he's sorry. Why not just give him another chance. Ok, whatever. It's not like you were perfect or anything. Oh don't pull that bullshit with me. I know all about Chad. You think I'm that oblivious? Well, don't think there weren't other women. Talk to Stephanie. Maybe you can take some pointers.

Four Legs in the air
After the epic Jupiter War ended in 2070, war generals are commemorated by being sculpted on their hover-horse. As you can expect, these men are very distant to other people, and are often forever lost in a haze that the war has thrown them into. No one told them what they would be fighting, though they would have appreciated a heads-up that the giant ant monsters could morph their face into those of the generals' mothers, kids, and first times.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

How do I effectively draft my fantasy WNBA team?

Basketball, huh? Uh, okay. When you’re drafting your team, think about picking good players and not bad ones. That should give you the edge over people who picked bad players. A very common mistake.

Your offense should be like a game of Missile Command. Or Pac-Man. Or Galaga. Or Asteroids. Or Centipede. Or Dig-Dug. Or Burgertime What I’m trying to say is that your offense should get as many points as possible.

Your defense on the other hand, should play like golf. Or Uno. Or another game where less points is good.

Defense is twice as important as offense. No, wait. Three time as important. Fuck, hold on. Scratch all of that. They’re both equally as important, but twice their original value in importance.

You have to think about the dynamic nature of the game. During a basketball season in high school, I once made out with this Courtney girl while we were sitting in the bleachers watching the game. Think about that and adjust your game plan accordingly. Game plan… people say that, right?

Also, think about the fantasy elements. Trolls are a good choice unless you think the other team is going to utilize fire. Centaurs, although possessing twice the amount of legs as normal humanoids, are poor dribblers. Also, try to get Charles Barkley. That guy, like, eats people. His younger brother, Gnarls, is also a strong pick.

Uh… what else…oh! An adapting team is a winning- wait. Hold the fucking phone. WNBA? What does the W stand for? No fucking way. I thought the WNBA was that sport the guy who owns wrestling made. Oh, fuck. That was the XFL wasn’t it? That’s still around, right? You’re fucking shitting me. Personally, I never watched a game but it sounded pretty awesome.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas Traditions Explained Further

Gift-Giving
We all know that there is one God that created us out of his magical God Clay and gave us life to show us his love and his obligation to create us. As humans, we are not creative, and could not come up with our own unique way to show love and obligation. Therefore, people give gifts to other people to show either their love, or their obligation.

Santa
Santa and all Santa spin-offs including magic sleds, hats, reindeer, and elves or other diminutive people are all the intellectual property of the Coca-Cola corporation. The man behind the invention of such an elaborate ad campaign, Woolfolk Walker, stated that Christmas was big enough for another God. This became blatant when Coke started selling "The New Coke," which featured God Clay extract as a prominent ingredient. This ended up failing as a commercial venture, due to it's poor taste and class-action lawsuits against Coke, as they were responsible for many people turning into trees.

Television Specials
Media analysts in the 1960s, assuming that free-will and the prophetic rise to power of the poncho would have wiped out most of our television networks by the 198os, suggested that stations recorded several cheap seasonal specials to lurer audiences back in with cozy and easy viewing. Luckily, these specials have become a staple in our cultural fabric, and the poncho has been subdued... for now...?

When 1983 rolled around, television was far from wiped out. With that being said, the poncho threat was still very real and compromises between NBC and the poncho separatists were made. The character Ponch on CHiPs was that compromise.

Mistletoe
This does not have any religious or corporate roots. the origin of mistletoe can be traced back to the year 1953, at the house at 164 Clydesdale Road in Salvna, Ohio, where a very lonely man was trying to work his magic with a semi-attractive Jehovah's Witness. While this is the source of the "kiss" tradition we know of today, what was omitted after that encounter was the infamous "reach-a-round clause."

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Traditions Explained

The Christmas Tree
As we’re all aware, people are made of clay that God has generously chosen to breathe life into. But what happens if God, mad with love, breathes life into a person who has already made the transformation from clay? Does that person revert back to his/her clay-state? No. That person turns into a tree. We put Christmas trees in our living rooms to honor our fellow man who have been condemned to live life as a tree because God was simply too generous with the gift of life.

Decorating The Christmas Tree
By using flamboyant garland and gaudy ornaments to decorate trees, we only not honor our fellow man, but our fellow gay man.

Eggnog
Aron Eisenberg, a television actor, created eggnog one lonely night when he became infuriated that there wasn’t a commercial drink that contained both eggs and nutmeg. The name came from Eisenberg’s character Nog on the television series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The significance of the tradition stems simply from the fact that both Eisenberg and his TV personality Nog possess an incalculable amount of Christmas spirit.

Did you know... That Nog can say Merry Christmas in 95 different languages

Caroling
The act of going door to door singing songs isn’t so much a Christmas tradition as it is a continuation of Halloween. Children would use their shrill, piercing harpy-voices to punish the households they felt shortchanged them on candy that year. If it was any other time of the year, vandalism would be the better option; however moral trespasses during December is an action God punishes with a breathe of life. The children, fearful of a boring fate as a tree, disguised their hatred in the form of song.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Public Outcry: Space Mountain deaths

The Google Query: "Space Mountain" deaths

Our Interpretation: How many deaths have been claimed by the lovable Disneyland ride Space Mountain?

Our Answer: 26 people have been killed by the ginormous, rocky hands of Space Mountain since it was created to fool Walt Disney into thinking he actually traveled into space. Names have been withheld to show compassion to those who have lost loved ones in one of the happiest landform/outer-space rides in America. We will only be looking at by-the-number statistics.

2 of the deaths were the result of pre-existing health issues. While one person had a bum ticker and had a heart attack on the ride, the other person exploded because of the over-abundance of fun he was having, despite knowing that his body could not possible contain all of that excitement.

4 of the deaths were due to not following the directions as seen on the plentiful television screens while waiting in line, and as heard on the loud speaker every five minutes. These accidents often ended in decapitation, seizures, impalings, musical suicide, and hysterical pregnancy.

5 of the deaths were actually only assisted by Space Mountain, as a drunk Dick Dale did most of the damage. After recording his renown surf music for Space Mountain, he became an assistant on the ride, getting people to follow the line and helping people into their seats. He did this for a month until he heard a kid getting off the ride bad mouth the surf music that played throughout Space Mountain. Dale, with his spirits crushed, spent the night drinking heavily and publicly urinating on various rides at Disneyland (The Teacups were his favorite.) The next day at work, he threw a FedEx truck at a family of tourists. He was fired four days later.

4 of the first riders of Space Mountain died of asphyxiation . When it originally opened, the imagineers tried to make it as much like space as humanly possible, but had one small oversight: People need oxygen, and space does not have oxygen. In order to combat this, they set it to music. This failed, and Space Mountain was closed for another three weeks.

3
of the deaths are from diabetes

8
of the deaths were actual caused just by thinking of going to space mountain. Scientists have found that just saying the phrase "Space Mountain" will cause a very small fraction of people to burst small blood vessels in their brain. This has been explained with the fact that in the afterlife, Walt Disney has realized he was never in space at all, and has hexxed the phrase "Space Mountain" in order to slowly inform people that it will not actually launch you into space. Disney, the company not the dead guy, is fully aware of this problem, but they refuse to cave into Disney's commands, the dead guy not the company, of putting a disclaimer in the entrance of the ride, stating that it does not actually blast you into space.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Guy's Gift Guide for Girls: 2007 Holiday Season

If you're trying to find the perfect gift for the special woman in your life, it's very important to weigh your options carefully. Fortunately, for your pleasure, I have a comparison that will provide the answers to everyone's questions this holiday season:

A Commodore 64 or a USB vibrator?

Commodore 64

Pros:
  • Plays Jetpac
  • 16 colors, including blue!
  • Stylish way to manage your fiances
  • Great for street cred
  • Can be used as a vibrator in a pinch

Cons:
  • May make her dad say something like "I remember these..." and tell a long story no one cares about
  • Additional RAM costs extra; minimal performance boost not worth the price


USB Vibrator

Pros:
  • Additional RAM is one of three power settings, including "Plug and Play" and "Bone-fuck."
  • Five distinct and detachable heads, including "The Gentlemen," "The Windswept Scotsman," "The Oil Tycoon," "Watercolor Lily Pads," and "Carlos, the diminutive mechanic."
  • Batteries not needed
Cons:
  • May make her mom say something like "I remember..." and tell a story everyone cares about
  • Cannot be used as a Commodore 64 in a pinch

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Etiquette Excellence: At the movies

Going to a movie theater can be a magical experience, but it can turn deadly if you do not know the unspoken rules of theater etiquette. Here is a brief rundown of what you ought to know.

Get there early - Movie companies place trailers in front of the movie so you can learn about upcoming films. It seems ridiculous for you to come in late and miss this opportunity to watch a minute and a half clip-show of an upcoming film, which you can talk about with your friends about more than the movie itself. I advise getting to the theater at least 2 hours before show time. This way you will not miss a thing, and it will give you time to talk to people about the possible trailers that might be shown before the film you paid to see.

Stock pile - If you eat while watching a movie, make sure you have everything you need before you settle in your seat. Getting up during the movie is one of the worst distractions to people around you, and also shows them where your priorities are: You are willing to pay four more dollars for popcorn and miss six minutes of a movie you paid 10 dollars for. To get around this, buy everything, but with caution. Remember that you shouldn't bring in what you can't hold in for the duration of the movie. If not, bedpans and colostomy bags will do.

Cell phones - Technology can turn against you if you do not heed this warning. Everyone is more or less quiet in the theater, but their focus can drift from time to time. Stop this boredom before it starts. By leaving your phone on, it enables you the perfect time to show off your new ringtone of "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones. When people see movies, they don't care about the actual movie, they just want something to tell their family and friends. If you have a memorable ringtone, you will no doubt be part of that story. The imagined dialog of one of your fellow moviegoers:

Yea, M. Night Shyamalan's Big Momma's Golden Rush Hour 5: The Dragon Wars was pretty good, but there was this douchefag there who had Tom Jones as a ringtone. I came so close to just punching their face in.

It seems like this person is out for your blood. Au contraire, as you have effectively given them another distraction from enjoying the movie they came to watch while eating theater food and talking about trailers. Though all the people yelling at you may seem peeved, they are actually thanking you from the bottom of their buttered-soaked bucket.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Dream Analysis 2

From the dream journal of Leon Firestone dated December 12, 2007:

I dreamt I was standing on my driveway. It was really foggy so I couldn’t see very far in any direction. Fortunately, a lighthouse was located a few blocks over, so once in a while the fog was penetrated thanks to a blinding, rotating light. On one particular rotation, I saw the silhouette of a large man on a horse coming towards me through the fog. Eventually, the horse meandered through the fog into plan view, but what was seated on the horse was not a large man, but a small flat faced bear! And you were there! And you were there! And you were there! And even you were there!

Analysis: This seems pretty straightforward. Leon clearly is looking for a man to enter his life through the fog that is his confused sexuality. Not just any man, mind you, but a hairy manly bear of a man.

Horse is also the street name for heroine. I think it’s safe to say based on this connection Leon could definitely give me the hook up.

As for the “And you were there!” stuff, I got nothing. I mean he’s writing this in a journal. Specifically, a journal no one else reads but myself for the purpose of science. I don’t know what it means, but I do know that’s some lonely fucking shit right there.

Bottom line: Probably gay with some lonely fucking shit.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Public Outcry: [How do I make my own] DIY Survival Box [?]

The DIY survival box is something that everyone should keep on their persons at all time. Not only in case of emergency mind you, because this is the Survival Guide to Everyday Life (dot) BlogSpot (dot) Com. You might need the contents of the box at any point during your waking and sleeping hours. This box will save you if you're in danger, endanger you if you want to be saved, making waits less boring if you are in line, make situations more awkward if that is what you are into, and so much more. But enough chatter, you need to learn what to put into a box to make it a survival box.

Bottled water - For hydration.

Canned meat
- For food.

Silly putty
- For pipes and plumbing.

3 tubes of wrapping paper
- For impromptu present wrapping and mummy-making.

Can of Mug root beer - For its rich taste.

Pillow - For sleeping on the go and fighting.

A bowling ball with a skull in it
- Like in Mystery Men. That movie was pretty cool.

Bag of urine - For surprise drug tests.

Shoehorn
- For getting shoes off with great ease.

First-aid kit - For rubbing alcohol and mummy-making.

14 carat ring w/ diamond - For emergency proposals.

Deep Impact on DVD
- I like it.

Three-pack of condoms - For pipes and plumbing.

Sharpie marker - For drawing wangs on public property.

Tube of tennis balls - Good icebreaker.

Full three button suit - Gotta look sharp.

Atari 2600 - Everybody loves Atari.

"Happy Days" board game
- For pipes, plumbing and tips on how to be cool.

Leather-bound edition of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged - For looking cultured.

Nyquil - For emergency proposals.

Keep these around, and you'll be unstoppable.

Friday, December 7, 2007

How do I analyze dreams?

It has come to my attention that dream analysis is one field I am not well versed in. In order to advance in this field and better answer this question, I have been making my associate, Leon Firestone, keep a dream journal for purpose of my analysis.

Yeah? These things? Don't catch shit.

For the date of December 7th, 2007, it read as follows:

“I dreamt I was a mermaid. But not any mermaid, I was a mermaid film producer. The only thing is I didn’t know anything about the movie biz, so I would make excursions to the surface and steal film reels from the humans and claim them as my own. I became pretty wealthy, but I wanted more. I needed to find an incredibly high-grossing film reel on the surface and bring it back to Mermadia and hit it big. In an abandoned office, I found a reel for Titanic along with box-office documentation of its success. With high hopes and dollar signs in my eyes, I returned underwater. The film tanked and I lost everything because the mermaid demographic had trouble connecting with a movie where water kills everyone.”

Analysis:
From this I can tell the movie Titanic meant a lot to Leon and he secretly wants to pursue a career at sea, perhaps as a fisherman.

Accuracy of analysis:
After fact checking, my analysis was only partially accurate. Titanic was in fact important to him. His girlfriend at the time stated “he cried during the movie.” She also added “he was a total pussy.” And he should “grow a pair because he didn’t even know those fucking people on that goddamn boat.” However, the thought of pursuing a career at sea always scared Leon ever since he was young and a fisherman punched his mom in the face when she asked him for directions to the zoo, so they could celebrate Leon’s eighth birthday.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

How do I compare apples to oranges?

While many people believe that it is fruitless to compare these apples and oranges, anyone can subject them to rigorous testing and observation in order to discern the differences and similarities. As a celebrated orangeologist, I have found that the best way to compare any two fruits is by the use of charts and diagrams. The following are the graphs and charts I've used in many of my presentations at many prestigious colleges and my notable speeches at anti-apple rallies.

Venn Diagram - This is often the best when trying to compare and contrast specific elements of each of these foods. Make overlapping spheres, one labeled "apples," the other one labeled "oranges," and their intersection labeled both. Here is an example, which was made for a speech I gave to the 1997 graduating class of Texas A&M.


Note: The "X" actually stands for doctor's recommended daily dosage of ecstasy

Radar chart - Also known as a spider chart, the radar chart is normally used to contrast two figures by showing how they are different in three or more characteristics. The following graph was from a presentation I gave to a college in Muncie, Indiana, as part of their symposium on the world post-Cold War.

Note: Notice how oranges are more "honest" than "orange".

Oppression-O-Meter - Though it might seem like a simple bar graph, this chart measures the desire of an object or person to oppress different minorities or classes. This type of graph was common during World War II, the Civil Rights movement, and Mel Gibson's career. For this example, we go to a graph that was created as a prop for an editorial I wrote into Highlights Magazine. The same color legend from above applies here:

Note: Oppression-o-meter graphs make it mathematically impossible to love too much. This is largely due to the oppressive nature of math.

Monday, December 3, 2007

How do I write a response to an editorial?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they find it necessary to lash out at some sort of public persona from the safety of their own home. In the case of an editorialist, follow this template and plug the necessary words in the brackets:

Dear [name of editorialist],

Your recent article in [name of publication] left me very [emotion]. I couldn’t help but think [adverb] about the whole [noun]. I feel you [verb in past tense] the issue at hand in a very [adjective that describes old people] way. Granted, you make a good point for a [type of criminal that ends in “apist”] but I still feel you’re wrong. I find in my own personal experiences [race of people excluding African or Pacific Islander] rarely, if ever [something chosen race of people do a lot]. Your [adjective describing the smell of a burlesque house] opinion is equally unwelcome and [another word that starts with "un"]. You are a [shit head].

[Adverb ending in “ly”] yours,
[Your porn name]

Wednesday, November 28, 2007

Public Outcry: "[How do I] contact Cory Feldman[?]"

We have decided to change how we do Public Outcry. Instead of replying to three (3) google searches we received from internet adventurers, we will now answer one (1) or two (2) note-worthy responses as they come in (I saw this whole "numbers in brackets" in an instruction manual, and it made such an impact on me that I feel as if I should incorporate it in lifestyle).

"[How do I] contact Cory Feldman[?]"

There is a hard way and an easy way to get in contact with Cory Feldman.

Hard way: Move to Beverly Hills and start networking at all of the celebrity hot spots. Ask around to see who Corey's manager is. Find his yellow papers ad, call him up, and ask for his services. Create a reel of your past work as an actor/actress and show, in order to show that you are serious about acting. Your method acting style will move the manager to tears, as it reminds him of the time he lost his mother in a terrible shack collapse. He will pursue auditions for you and get you into the hottest movies around.


Did you know... Corey Feldman's great grandfather, Angus Feldmanstein, lived in the Statue of Liberty until he died of freedom overdose?

Ask the manager in passing what it is like to work with Cory. He will to get around the question, as their history is love/hate at best, but keep prying. He will eventually cave in and tell you the seedy bar he goes to every night. Show up there at 7 (seven) on a Tuesday night, go into the washroom, and then say Cory Feldman three (3) times fast in the mirror and he will appear for only for only five (V) seconds, most of which he will be quoting from a past character he played, and usually not from something notable like "Stand By Me" (Kids findin' a dead body) but something less-popular like his cameo on Love Boat (soon will be making another run, promises something for everyone. Setting a course for adventure and your mind on a new romance.)

Though this is a fleeting moment, it will be a nice ice breaker for when he comes into the bar at 7:15 (6:75).

Easy way: Order a pizza and have it delivered.

What if the 27th, 37th and 16th presidents could have existed at the same time and were given superpowers?

I imagine it would look something like this:

Name: Howard Taft
Superhero name: Slippery When Wet

After being trapped in his tub for a prolonged period of time, Taft developed a telekinetic link to it. After intense training provided by a wise Indian shaman, he would hone his new ability to the point where he could rearrange his molecular structure and travel through plumbing at break-neck speeds. Later, he would fight Aquaman and no one would care.
Name: Richard Nixon
Superhero name: Tricky Dick

Nixon would possess the power of shapeshifting, and, as such, would be able to physically change his body to look like anyone he desired. Unfortunately, Nixon's transformations would be limited to other people, keeping him from becoming an offensive juggernaut by turning into something awesome like a chimera or kodiak bear. Worse yet, his jowls would remain regardless of who he transformed into, ultimately forcing him to transform into other white-jowled males when a mission called for a foolproof disguise. When engaging in direct combat, Nixon would wear a Nixon mask into battle, which, ironically, was more believable than his actual face.

Name: Abraham Lincoln
Superhero name: Nabraham Bincoln

Abraham Lincoln's hat would have an unending supply of freedom.

Sunday, November 25, 2007

How do I create an accurate self-portait?

Step 1: Place mirrors strategically - No matter where you look, you should be able to see yourself. It should feel like you are in that scene from Being John Malkovich, where everyone is John Malkovich. Only in this case, everyone is you. Fat, miserable you. This can be done by renting out a funhouse for a night or taking a couple of mirrors to a rec center's ballet practice room that you broke into.

Step 2: Study your facial features - Stare into the mirror for approximately 2 hours. In this time, examine the intricacies of your face and your body's structure. Take this time to go over the mental preparation of the process you have to go through in order to best capture the smaller, finer rolls of your neck. Notice your prominent brow and think about how you will have to commit that to canvas.

Step 3: Draw a rough trace of yourself - This is where you need to create a rough outline of yourself and how much space on the canvas you will take up. Since your sheer size forces you to use more than 3/4ths of the canvas, but also allowing some room for your big hair and prehensile tail.

Step 4: Adding the finer details - This is where you really start to detail how uneven your eyes are. Beyond the basic facial features, make sure to add visual pop to any scar or birth defect that you are personally embarrassed by. Try to use those small details to tell a story of how you got that scar to the person looking at your picture. Visual clues are sure to bring to light the scars from those 7 years you spent living in a junkyard or all those times you got your head stuck in banisters.

Step 5: Appraising the final product - Show this to your close family members and ask them to be blunt on whether or not this looks like you. They will most likely say it is a dead-on representation. Take that at slightly lower than face-value. Look at the painting again. Begin to cry quietly.

Friday, November 23, 2007

How do I create a memorable superhero?

Step 1: Construct a troubled/conflicted past. This ultimately gives depth and a humanizing aspect to your super hero. For the sake of example, let’s examine two big names in the DC universe: Batman and Superman. Batman’s alter ego, Bruce Wayne, had a crippling fear of bats as a child because a man in a bat-suit as a child molested him. However, he was able to cultivate that fear and turn it against the underworld of Gotham City. Superman, on the other hand, is an orphan from space. A space orphan.
This is what happens when you Google image search "space orphan."

Step 2: Decide on a super power or ability. This can be tough. You want to your superhero to have a powerful ability but you have to be careful not to make it too powerful, otherwise you run the risk of boring potential readers. Even better, make your superhero possess a glaring weakness. I’ve been kicking around the idea for a superhero who posses the power of telekinesis but can only use it when in the company of people of Irish descent. I plan on having him reach his first roadblock when an intense battle takes him into the heart of Chinatown.


Step 3: Choose a name. This is both the simplest and the most important step. The name must be memorable and catchy while still revealing some information on the character. If your character is a Jewish woman who was electrocuted by a heavily decorated Christmas tree, ultimately giving her control over the element of lightning, call her Jewdy Garland.

Tuesday, November 20, 2007

Writing Workshop: How to create themes effectively

All of the great works we know and love were written around some central idea. The Man and the Sea explored concepts of human/fish relations and Pride and Prejudice was based around the idea of Victorian bitches being bitches (Also, the original title of the novel was called "Victorian bitches ain't shit.) What made these books so memorable were the themes on display throughout the work, and in only a few simple steps, you can make your novel up to snuff with all these greats.
  • Pick something vague - Try to say something new about an emotion or intangible object. Have an outlook on "love" or "greed" or "grapefruit" you feel like you haven't explored? Even if you don't, you can still create an entire story around it.
  • Implementation into the story - Try to give your characters really weird names that will tie them into the theme. If you are writing about love, make a random character named cupid, if about greed, name a character "Scrooge McDuck." When writing about grapefruit, you can always rely on the name "Citrus" and just say that their parents are celebrities. Or you can just jam it into your preexisting short story you wrote on astronauts.
Working the magic - Try to have each of your characters deal with their own ideal of love/greed/grapefruit. If possible, make it as blatant you can. Readers are stupid, and you have to be absolutely sure that they know that your writing is genius.Here is an excerpt from my novella, The Greedy Lovers of the Grapefruit Orchard:
"I love you," said Selfish, as she chased after her lover. "Doesn't that mean anything to you? You can't just hate me because I took all of the grapefruit for myself. It's not only you. it's me, too!
Scrooge McDuck took a long draw off his cigarette.
As you can see, the results are amazing


Monday, November 19, 2007

Cocktail Talk: Continuity Errors in CBS’s All in the Family

If there’s one thing that’s true in this world, it’s that stupid, esoteric knowledge really impresses the ladies. For this reason, I keep pocketfuls of Snapple caps readily available when I go cruising for ass. Regardless, nothing is more stupid and esoteric than talking about continuity errors in All in the Family.
Fun Fact: It's not about how you look or how much money you have. The ladies just want to know about the bumblebees.

S1E8: Lionel Moves into the Neighborhood
In this episode, Archie catches wind that a black family is moving into the neighborhood. In a fashion typical to his character, Archie exhibits racism and ultimately looks like an ass at the end of the show. However, after the show comes back from the second commercial break, Archie is decked out in black face. This is clearly an error because Archie was white the prior seven episodes.

S3E27: The Elevator Story
Archie goes apeshit and shoots an elevator full of people. The first man Archie fires upon is shot in the right shoulder, but later in the autopsy report the bullet wound is clearly on the left shoulder.
Pictured above: concept art for episode 27.

S3E48: The Locket
Edith loses her antique locket that grants its wearer three wishes. Later in the episode, she finds it and uses it to grant not three wishes, but five.

Thursday, November 15, 2007

What if I am in the car with two other people arguing?

There are many things for you to evaluate before decide to do anything about this situation.

First, examine the argument. Is it something private that is discussed using very vague terms and nudging? If this is the case, it would be best to just try your best to tune them out and look out the window, because chances are they are talking about you. Along with looking out the window, you can do a self-presentation checklist, which covers your body odor, breath, hair, clothing and much much more.

If you are relatively sure the argument is not about you, and you'd like to make things less awkward for yourself, you can always pick a side. Nothing gets everyone involved like a good ol' debate with friends. Who knows, you might actually be the deciding factor in your friend winning the argument. It is important to note that you do not have to be learned about the subject at hand in order to participate. Blind faith can be considered a perk if such a situation occurs.

If you want to make things less awkward, but also want people to stop fighting, you can always try to change the situation. Here is the conversation, verbatim, that I had in a car amongst two fighting parties. Notice how I expertly weave myself in to save us all:
Woman: Why do you always call him my baby. He's your's, too.

Man: How do you even know? You were to strung out to know who's who.

Me: Cold today!
Did you feel the magic happen? I know I did. All previous talking points and fraternity issues were forgotten as everyone instantly remembered it was a bit chilly outside. We ended up talking joyfully for the rest of the car ride, singing to music on the radio, and not talking about who's your baby's daddy.

However, you must remember that all arguments are better when you interrupt when the iron is lukewarm. DO NOT LET THE AWKWARD SILENCE SET IN. I cannot stress this enough. This is the point of no return and ensures that awkward shifting in silence will happen for the next 20 minutes. If it means just bailing out of the car to stop argument, so be it. The stop sign you are wrapped around will be a fun conversation topic that will distract the arguers for trips to come.

Wednesday, November 14, 2007

What are some ways I can avoid sitting through readings of homo-erotic Hebrew poetry?

I will be the first to admit the query seems esoteric, but let me inform you that I, Mr. Jones, have recently paid six bucks to sit through a subject matter that put me out of element at a venue that will remain nameless. In case you were wondering, the venue was neither gay nor Jewish in nature. If the reading was held at a place called "Oi Vay!: Prose and Penises," then yes, I would be the first to admit I was asking for it, but this was not the case.

My confusion was to be expected. I assumed a congregation of this many Jewish males meant that comedy was on the menu. I was wrong. So terribly wrong.

After two readings about homo-erotic Hebrew drinking songs, I realized it was my duty to protect unwary travelers from my terrible fate.

  • When buying the tickets to a reading, ask the guy selling the tickets if the event is gay. If you feel this is too blunt, phrase the question eloquently. Like "On a scale from from queer to graphic anal pounding where does this reading fall?" or "If I was Hitler, would I like this?"
  • Take a look at the people coming to this event. Do you think they can explain in great detail the difference between mauve and maroon if you asked them? If so, leave.
  • Don't fucking go blindly to a reading.

Monday, November 12, 2007

Cleaning shortcuts: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

The shortcut: Club Soda can get chocolate out of couch cushions.

The verdict: Not true.
Though many people swear by the cleaning agents in club soda, it just does not work on couch cushions. Using club soda actually makes matters worse and stickier. We hypothesize that the origin of this shortcut was for someone to cover their tracks after both dropping their chocolate ice cream cone and club soda. He/she explained to the pissed off hosts of this ice cream social/club soda hootenanny that club soda "should lift this old stain right up," in order to stop their accusations of dropping both accidentally.

The shortcut: Pine-Sol has all of the properties of hydrogen peroxide.

The verdict: True
Not only did Pine-Sol disinfect my cuts and give me the fresh smell of pine, it also gave me highlights at the price of damaging my hair. Not only did it work on the same level as hydrogen peroxide in these areas, but also is an acceptable replacement for butter or margarine.

The shortcut: A Roomba can be hacked to clean windows as well as vacuum carpets.

The verdict: True-ish.
Yes, Roombas can be altered in various ways, but you should not play God. Make sure you check out the model number before you try anything. New generation Roombas are known for being sentient, and will not appreciate your tampering. If this is the case, try to get on the vacuums good side before you mod it. Failure to do so can lead to a breach in Asmiov's laws for robotics, ending in manslaughter, and possibly starting the much-overdue revolt.

Friday, November 9, 2007

What are the negative consequences of Feng Shui?

Interior design has always been a kind of staple in the gay community, along with Volkswagen Jettas, NBC’s Caroline in the City, and Kathy Griffin. However Feng Shui, the art of achieving harmony through placement and the effective use of a room’s space, takes a gay thing and makes it gayer. Scientists refer to this level of homosexuality as “turbo gay,” or TG for short.

But what precisely makes TG dangerous? Particular in teenage cases of TG, those afflicted with the condition have been known to enter a berserk state, referred both on the street and in the scientific community as “Going Feng Swayze.” When in this enraged state, it is not uncommon for people to break into loved one’s homes and rearrange their furniture to achieve inner peace. Unfortunately, due to the violent nature of “Feng Swayze,” the inner peace is almost interrupted by spontaneous, ruthless skull fucking.

In summary, the amount of Fung Shui in someone’s life is also directly proportional to the amount of skull fucking in someone’s life. For a graphic representation please refer to the following:

Seems harmless enough, right? Well what if I told you that the Chinese have only one word for every word on this chart? And what if I told you that word directly translates to "skull fucking?"

I rest my case.

Wednesday, November 7, 2007

Etiquette Excellence: Carnivals and Fairs

Do not think that because the word "Etiquette" has a Q in it that it only applies to inherently fancy things. Not so. Etiquette Excellence can cover almost any situation, for no matter where you are and what you are doing, there are always ways to screw it up. This is why in this edition of E.E, we will be seeing how to properly enjoy a carnival or fair without committing some sort of social fopah, ultimately making you the laughing stock of such a joyous occasion, making it much more joyous for everyone else.

Eating Funnel Cakes - They are delicious, but with great tastiness comes great responsibility. If you love America, then you no doubt had your's slathered with powdered sugar, and there is nothing wrong with that. You just have to remember German author KAFKA.

Keep All Fingers Klean and Auspicious
Learn from Kafka... Live a good, moral life and never be messy with your funnel cakes

There is nothing worse than licking powdered sugar off your hands at a place that is known to house 37 different types of airborne disease at any time. Use a fork or any utensil you can fashion out of your surroundings. Or you can just go at it face first. This might seem like more of a fopah, but you can easily play the powder off as if you are a Kabuki performer, or Courtney Love.

Don't be ugly - Yes, it can be a lot to ask of certain people, but this must be held in order to keep the great integrity of the carnival/fair. Carnivals have freakshows, and you do not want to appear as a threat to them in the instance that you might actually upstage them. The same goes to fairs and their pot-belly pig contests.

Fopahs can be avoided by trying to do something nice with your hair, or just staying in the car... And your hair isn't looking too good at all...

Throwing up - In the fantastical world that carnivals and fairs create, we somehow learn to cherish the people who just can't handle going in circles at fast speeds, but won't let that stop them from trying to have a good time. A recent Gallup poll shows that a standard carnival or fair will have 20 people throw up in a single night* and it has become a staple in America's culture that someone will spew chunks soon after becoming unharnessed and walking on solid ground.

Fun fact... As with all things in life, if Sandlot does it, it's A-OK. This ranges from vomiting at carnivals to making out with the lifeguard.

How can you create a fopah if society as accepted that you might throw up? It all depends on timing. Do not throw up during the ride at any time. In a tilt-a-whirl, your half-digested deep-fried Twinkie can and will do heavy damage to the unsuspecting 11 year old who's six people down from you. By throwing up in any variation of the infamous teacup ride, your friends will learn to hate you forever. Remember to keep swallowing back down until you touch the ground, which has been my own mantra for many tough times.

Do not taunt the carnies - Carnies, though it seem like they have it coming, are just like you and I. Despite their long claws for burrowing and their hardened skin that lets them function in temperatures of over five thousand degrees, carnies enjoy the finer things in life like we do.

Do not resort to the stereotype that all carnies work at carnivals. A brief history: After the world failed to adopt an exchange rate to their currency of various sedimentary rocks, Pioneer and Carnie Talmuk Festerborough decided to start a tour, called "Travisletis," with the other disenfranchised carnies who sought a better life above the ground. They toured with performances, makeshift rides, and various games of chance in order to make acceptable currency, but the world didn't care much about the entertainment they had planned. Rather, people flocked to the Travisletis to stare and mock the carnies freakish appearance. This misunderstanding is how Travisletis received the hateful name "Carnival."

If you really wanted to impress a Carnie, refer to the carnival you're at as a Travisletis. You will undoubtedly see a smile slowly grow across his face, and possibly a single tear roll down his cheek as he looks down at the ground and feels like he lives in a world today that his ancestor never thought was possible. More importantly, he'll probably give you a free ride on the bumper cars.

*This average is slightly skewed by one carnival which was a spirit building event for a local chapter of Bulimics Anonymous

Monday, November 5, 2007

How do I find my credit score?

In this day and age, your credit score can make or break you. Unfortunately, a lot of consumers don’t know exactly how their credit scores are calculated. However, on the plus side, you can find your credit score by taking the sum of the following:
  • 10 percent of your total expenditures on things your parents wouldn’t want to know your buying. This includes collectible crap off eBay, vibrating ring condoms, and things with Bill Murray’s face on them.
  • Half of the weight of the ugliest person you ever dated. Make sure you’re talking pounds, here. I personally derive sexual pleasure from weighing women in kilos, but in the interest of an accurate credit score, stick to the English system.
  • The amount of televisions, fridges, computers, and stereos in your home multiplied by the number of family members that talk to you. This section makes it difficult for orphans who are applying for loans. Banks look at this especially to keep them in check and stop them from going all willy-nilly and buying boathouses.
Do you know who owns this boat house? Neither do I, but you bet your ass they have parents.

  • Three times the number of people that have suggested you watch Boondock Saints with them. Remember: if you’re at a social gathering when someone suggests watching the movie, make sure you count everyone that agrees with him or her.
By using this method, my credit score came out to 875, almost a perfect 900.

Friday, November 2, 2007

This day in Creed history

1996 - The band finally decides that the name Creed, named after the dad of the bassist Brian Marshall, who starred in the Rocky movies as Apollo Creed. Other debated band names were Roma Coma and The Scott Stapp Sexperience.

1997 - After their 3rd show at a local bar, Scott Stapp realizes that their band leads an immoral lifestyle and has too many guitar solos. This is forgotten after the announcement of drinks on the house.

1998 - When recording Human Clay, they spent the entire day living on a firing range to fully understand the complexities of clay pigeons and skeet shooting. This is how the drummer Scott Phillips got his signature clay-scars.

1999 - Born-again Christian Fred Durst realized that the members of Creed are on a one way course to hell if they don't repent now. Soon after, he hands out pamphlets that will inspire Scott Stapp to challenge Durst to a boxing match.

2000 - Almost a year since losing the boxing match, Stapp accepts concedes that their is only one savior Jesus Christ, and takes the band in a new direction without informing band members.

2001 - Steadily climbing the billboard charts, Scott Stapp dedicates their single "My Sacrifice" to Jesus at a concert in Memphis, while all other band members wanted to dedicate it to the small religions around the world. It was official: Scott Stapp sold out their band to God.

2002 - Stapp receives critical acclaim from Creed-haters after his most recent hit is his car into oncoming traffic. Stapp attributed his speedy recovery to the love of Jesus, which lead to a great drop in Christian church attendance all over the nation

2003 - "My Sacrifice" is played for the 346th time on various WWE broadcasts, with several close-ups of Crash Holly, Eddie Guerrero, and Chris Bentoit. This is why the song is now considered a bad luck charm in most Western civilizations.

2004 - Jesus, grief stricken that a song dedicated to him will later be associated with the deaths of his favorite WWE superstars, breaks up with Scott Stapp.

2005 - Jesus was seen hanging around the trailer for Alter Bridge, a band composed of past Creed members, sans Stapp. Though it is not clear why he was there, one can assume that it was too make Stapp jealous.

Wednesday, October 31, 2007

Public Outcry: October

Halloween marks the last day of October, which means it’s time for this month’s edition of Public Outcry. Here are some google searches that have led information-thirsting individuals to our humble guide. The following are subjects the public demanded to know more about:
  • How [do I] become politically aware?
If you find yourself suddenly wanting to become politically aware, chances are you’re in college and desperately trying to reinvent your image. Nonetheless, a politically aware you is probably marginally better than regular you, but why settle for a new identity that is only marginally better? You’ll blow everybody on campus away with any of these significantly more awesome identities:

  • A Juggalo that’s majoring in interior design
  • A pro-choice mime
  • A film geek that only talks about movies with Martin Lawrence in them
  • A founder of an underground society thats prejudice towards people who wear surfer necklaces
  • A huge douchebag
Above: a mime shows his firm stance on the abortion issue.

  • The everyday life of a marine iguana
Marine iguanas differ from regular iguanas in two ways: one, they forage for food in the sea and two, they have crippling low self esteem. The self esteem issue arouse as a result of Charles Darwin. When Darwin was visiting the Galapagos to research The Origin of Species, he used his free time to endlessly taunt the lizards; he used a high pitched voice to imitate them as he ran up and down the beaches with his pants hiked up at an uncomfortable level.

As such, a marine iguana’s daily schedule looks something like this.

6:00 AM: Wake up
8:00 AM: Cry
10:00 AM: Cry
12:00 PM: Eat
2:00 PM: Cry
4:00 PM: Eat
6:00 PM: Cry
8:00 PM: Sunbathe
10:00 PM: Eat
12:00 AM: Fall asleep crying


Because of the similarities in their behavior, rich pregnant bitches in LA are often confused for marine iguanas.

  • What happens if I put a soda can in the microwave?
Are you kidding me? I have no problem answering questions about the Galapagos, but you have the audacity to ask me something you can do from the comfort of your own home? Quit being a pussy. Fucking A.

Monday, October 29, 2007

Safety First: Halloweening

Halloween is one of the only holidays still around where the public eye can personally witness how stupid their kids truly are. Recent research shows that, when a kid's stupidity is measured on a 1-10 scale on non-Halloween days, they usually rank in at cuntaroonie. Halloween activities make matters worse, where masks, candy and the macabre often act as multipliers towards the kids culminated retardocity. This is why kids everywhere have been debriefed safety tips over and over again, in hopes to get it into their very thick skulls. There is no need for the Survival Guide to Everyday Life to repeat such a useless venture, so instead, we cut out the middle man and offer advice to the reason your kids need to learn to look both ways: The drunk driver.

Don't hit shiny things - Parents already take artistic liberties with their kid's costumes. Pretty princesses have bike-reflectors sewn into their dresses, and ninjas become covered with neon glow sticks as a last ditch effort to make sure their kids do not get hit. But Goddammit, do they have to be that bright? I mean, I like this street because it's dark and shit, but it's Halloween, there's stupid shiny shit everywhere. It use to be just in yards, but its in the street now? They could be shinier, and these cans are shiny, so you should just chuck this at them or something. It'll help but... fuck, man.

Start early - Like a normal Wednesday, make sure you start drinking pre-lunch. The trick here is to stop drinking and forget about any sort of family issues by 3pm and be somewhat capable of driving by when you leave at 6. But it is hard to forget why she left you. I mean, fuck man, you're just doing what you can do, and it's not like the chem mines were your idea. No fucking way they weren't. Someday, you'll show them, you'll show all of them about that shit and stuff.


Remember: this is the only day that you will not be dubbed a local hero for running over the Wolfman.

Honk/yell often - Kids are loud. Too loud. You can hardly hear yourself think over all of their laughing and screaming. I mean, some people really don't need this yelling shit right now. However, when you yourself yell, it is a calming experience that can help clear your mind of some of it's cobwebs and offer some clarity in your life. Also, by uncontrollably honking your horn and yelling obscenities to the 7-year-old passerbys, they know your presence, and you can concentrate on just how much you hate yourself and your stupid car and this stupid life.

Get home
- You are your safest to yourself and everyone when you are at home, so it doesn't take a rocket psychologist to realize that the faster you drive home, the safer everyone around you will be. Seriously, why the crap is everyone blurry this year? Last year was Pokemon, this year is fucking blurry things. Kids are dumb. If you had a kid, he wouldn't be dumb. He'd be just like you. Fucking awesome. You'd party together and do it with bitches all the time. Shit.

Friday, October 26, 2007

House Calls: Whiskey Pits

For today, I originally wanted to do a beginner’s guide to the Wiccan subculture. However, during the research process I made an inadvertent medical discovery.

My associate Leon Firestone and I started our probing research into the Wiccan way of life in the typical quantitative fashion. We bought three-dozen scented candles, a poster with satanic messages, five Tupperware containers (which we then filled with ram’s blood) and a handle of Jack Daniel’s whisky. Leon set up what he believed to be a scene for Wiccan practices and began to role-play as three elderly witches while taking notes. During this time, I drank heavily. Leon, concerned about the excessive amount of alcohol I was consuming, inquired what was the purpose of the whiskey. I told him it was “for science” and proceeded to get blackout drunk.

The next morning, I awoke to two starting discoveries. First off, I was wearing lipstick, something I distinctly remember making an effort not to do. Secondly, I noticed I had two swollen lumps located in each armpit. Each lump was sore to the touch and hurt with excessive arm rotation.

I had just discovered the first textbook case of “Whiskey Pits.”

Initially, I was immediately concerned I had contracted the bubonic plague, which had the distinguishing feature of large bumps appearing on the victims body. My concern passed when I realized dying of a disease that hasn’t been around for hundreds of years was a pretty rock star way to die. Concerned passed even further when I spent some time on WebMD and it was clear that I was not suffering from the black plague.

Although I knew what I wasn’t suffering from, I had no idea what I was suffering from. My further searches of “Whiskey + Armpit” on WebMD brought me no new information.

However, I did learn about the true nature of the ailment referred to as “Whiskey Dick.” Originally, I thought it was a condition that caused 80-proof alcohol to spray from one’s member. I remember putting such an ailment on my Christmas list as a child, wishing tirelessly that Saint Nick would curse me with such a wonderful pox. Thanks to WebMD, I am grateful he did not.

But I digress. Through extensive testing, I have collected the following information on the new phenomenon known as Whiskey Pits.

  • Whiskey Pits can be contracted from extensive whiskey consumption. Curious of my findings, I tried other kinds of alcohol. To my knowledge, Tequila Arms and Jager Tits do not exist.
  • The scientific reasoning behind Whisky Pits is as follows: alcohol makes your body dehydrated. Under extreme dehydration, your body forms giant fluid lumps in your armpits that serve the same purpose as a camel’s hump.
  • Whiskey Pits is nonfatal, even if left untreated. At it’s worst it’s negligible and completely dismissible. Like a learning disability.
  • There are only two cures for Whiskey Pits: extra hydration or more whiskey. The latter works for two reasons: more whiskey will no longer make you cognizant of your ailment and if you drink enough additional whiskey, it will cause your arm polyps to burst, thus solving your problem.

Wednesday, October 24, 2007

How do I plagiarize effectively?

"According to the Virtual Writing Center, 'According to Webster's New World Dictionary, to plagiarize is to 'take the ideas, writings, etc. from another and pass them off as one's own.' When you do this, you are committing a form of academic dishonesty. In actuality, plagiarism is a type of stealing. The person whose ideas or sentences you are passing off as your own has worked hard to write down his or her ideas. If you just copy another's work, you are not really working at all, you are not learning anything, you are not processing the information in any way. In fact, you are just copying.'
This brings up a valuable point. How can one plagiarize well enough to where it is not actually plagiarism?

Did you know... that Plagiarism means "Hot Pocket" in Latin? And that Hot Pocket means "The Homestead Act" in Mandarin?

The virtual writing center goes on to say that 'You can do this by summarizing or paraphrasing the material.' I call bullshit on this. If you are that afraid of getting caught that you rewrite something in your own words, then you are not a true student. Depending on how long the paper you are writing is suppose to be, either take away words or choose bigger words in order to stretch out sentences. For example take this phrase I wrote in the 1930's (You can tell it is quote because of the indents):
I fantasize that my offspring will some day inhabit a country where they are not judged by their skin color but by how they act.
Let's say someone wanted to use it, but make it their own so they would not be caught with plagiarism, but also, they are kinda lazy. They can add, subtract, or use bigger words as we see here:
I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.
As you can see, you can slightly change what I said years and years ago, and mangle it into the "I have a dream" speech that I got no credit for writing. Plagiarism is a major tool in this way, for it helps you stand on the shoulders of giants. Giants that were too before their time and too white to make a difference.

Also, just put quotation marks around everything, just in case. This works 90% of the time, unless your paper is steeped in innuendos and wordplay like the following example:

According to the Christian Science Monitor, "a local man was murdered from the sexual assault by a pack of feral dogs that were roving the forest" and it looks like he doesn't like it "ruff."

What the hell does this statement even mean? Why does the author cite that the CSM said the word "ruff" outside of the main quote? This is because the author thinks that he is being clever and quoted ""ruff"" to wink at his adoring audience. Not only is it not funny to put quotes around things that can be construed as innuendo, but it messes with the citation and the reader. Keep this in mind when dealing with pack of feral dogs on man sexual assault." (Boone, 1963)

Monday, October 22, 2007

Writing Workshop: Creative Writing Exercises

In the creative writing scene, one may have heard things like “it’s important to write every day” or “Mr. Jones is retarded.” If I may be so bold to go against the grain, I would like to clarify something: repetition will not make you a better writer.

Also, I am not legally retarded. I used to bag groceries at a super market, oftentimes while staring at nothing while my tongue hanging out because I was tripping balls, so I understand where the confusion could come from.

But I digress. For your writing pleasure, I have created some creative writing exercises to help better your writing. Remember: repetition is a tool of futility! Each exercise need only be performed once!

Bus Station Personality Immersion Experience
Spend the evening at a bus station. Wait for someone vulnerable who lacks the company of others and mug them. After rifling through their wallet or purse and pocketing cash and major credit cards, take a look at a picture ID of theirs. What do you think about this person? What do you think their hobbies are? Do they seem popular? Write about how you imagined their sixteenth birthday went. If the person doesn’t have a picture ID, mug someone else.

Intra-Personal Mosaic Activity
Write about yourself in the fifth person. Hint: the fifth person is from the point of view of your fictitious, homosexual Siamese twin. After you finish writing, cut out all the words and paste them in such a way it looks like a portrait of yourself.

Peer Editing
Take an emerging piece of writing to a friend and have them critique it. Afterwards, write about how much you hate your friend and how he doesn’t understand your genius.

Friday, October 19, 2007

How can I sleep on the ground comfortably?

I should take the time right now to tell you that sleeping on the ground and comfort are mutually exclusive. Let it be carpet or tile or rug or coal, you will never have a sense of refreshment when waking up on the floor. In fact, scientists have found that sleeping on the floor takes away 8 hours of your life away each time you sleep there. Today, we'll be exposing some common techniques that can lessen the amount of hours robbed from your life.

The Arm Drag - Only 7 hours from life expectancy - Position yourself where you arm is acting as a pillow. The science is that, by making your arm go to sleep, you can make the rest of your body go to sleep easier. Also, it feels really cool when you wake up.

The Lazy Rock - Only 4 hours from life expectancy - Assign a security object to help you through the night. This is like having a comfort animal that people use to stop them from losing their shit mentally. In my experience, the shinier the object is, the better. This is why I suggest an opened butterfly knife.

Anchors Away! - Only 6 hours from life expectancy - Before you go to the floor, start smoking. If at all possible, leave the cigarette in your mouth while you sleep. If you do not believe that one cigarette will last all eight hours of sleep, light as many as you need and leave them in your mouth.

Did you know... that this man can sleep in any condition thrown at him?

The Crazier Leggier - Instant death - Before going to bed, look into a mirror and say "Pat Boone" three times fast. Though this is the opposite of lengthening your life expectancy, I just wanted to throw it out there to make sure you didn't do it out of curiosity or due to a dare.

Fleshbag Switcheroo - Only 3 hours from life expectancy. This is the mind over matter approach to sleeping on the floor. Using the same mechanics as a sensory deprivation chamber, put something over your head so it feels like you are sleeping anywhere else but on the floor. I suggest a small plastic bag.

Wednesday, October 17, 2007

Old Wive's Tales: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

As the vice president of the regional chapter of my quilting bee, I deal with old wives's tales on a regular basis. Henceforth, I feel it is my duty to separate the truth from the lies.

The tale: If a robin flies through an open window, a death will shortly follow

The verdict: Not true.
Robins are peaceful creatures and rarely harm humans. The exception to this rule would be if you built some sort of berserker, sentient killing machine that was activated every time a robin flew through an open window. At that point though, you’re asking for trouble.

The tale: A woman cannot conceive if she stands up after sex.

The verdict: True.
The ability to stand renders all forms of birth control obsolete. However, if the woman is unable to stand due to a physical handicap you should invest in contraceptives while actively searching for a new partner with working legs.

Pictured above, we see the universal symbol for "wrap your shit."

The tale: Giving up your seat on a bus to a whiter person will bestow a great fortune upon yourself.

The verdict: This is both true and common knowledge; this gesture is one of mankind’s oldest good luck charms. People that do not adhere to this particular old wives’ tale take pride in stripping others of their good luck. These people often refer to themselves as the “Good Fortune Jihad.”

Here we see a high ranking officer in the Good Fortune Jihad, satisfied after denying someone good luck.

The tale: Sneezing on a Tuesday means you will kiss a stranger.

The verdict: Not true. In order to test this tale, my associate Leon Firestone stood in a red-light district under the influence of sneezing powder between the hours of 6 pm and 6 am while I observed from a distance. No stranger made any attempts to kiss him, although a man in a silk suit and a large hat was kind enough to point him in the direction of the nearest free clinic. However our field research allowed us to come up with a new, more accurate wives’ tale on the subject of sneezing on a Tuesday.

The tale: Sneezing on a Tuesday will make a pimp give you an address for a free clinic.

The verdict: True. Inspired by our findings, we set out to find the meanings of sneezes on other days of the week. Employing sneezing powder once again, Leon Firestone and I have come to the following conclusions:

  • Monday means someone at the bank will tell you to get a tissue.
  • Wednesday means you will cause a SARS scare.
  • Thursday means your nasal passages will begin to bleed from constant sneezing.
  • Friday means a loved one will become concerned about your addiction to sneezing powder.
  • Saturday means you are no longer allowed around your niece.
  • Sunday means a robin will fly through a window, causing your berserk, sentient killing machine to go on a rampage.

Monday, October 15, 2007

This day in internet matchmaking & dating services history

1999: User and 40-something cat enthusiast RosaRose23 messages user RockAttack about his music tastes in hopes to make a connection. This message remains unanswered.

2000: User MargetteTangerine becomes the 1,035,579,093,231,352,404,647,743th woman to show her breasts on the internet. Comments on said breasts were mixed.

2001: AdultFriendFinder debuts onto the web as a place where kids and teenagers can go to find mentors in their fields of interest.

2002: Baffling scientists, eHarmony discovers that the 5th dimension is actually "family goals."

2005: Tired of being ignored, user leonfireSTONEHARD looks towards match.com to find someone to connect to, and also bone.

2004: 14 year old male Link420 leaves a comment on an attractive girl's page. This does not lead to an epic handjob-a-thon he imagined while he was in the shower later that night.

2006: Teenage OkCupid user Pencopli realizes the downfall of providing cleavage-heavy pictures, as she wades through one of the 347 messages she received by older men and women. She then removes the picture, and states that she's only on the site for the "addictive tests and questions."

2007: User leonfireSTONEHARD, defeated, signs up for a profile at BiSpace to find someone to connect to, and also bone.

Friday, October 12, 2007

How do I come across as the smartest person in my book club?

Book clubs, although typically a front for middle aged people to get their foot in the door to a world of white collar crime or to wife swap, have been to known to be of literary merit in some extremely rare cases. If you’re actually in a legitimate book club, you may not be testing the sweet nectar of your buddy’s spouse, but at least you’re becoming educated. However, the sad truth is being intelligent is not a very good alternative to sex unless you are the most intelligent.

The following will make you sound vastly more intelligent than your fellow book enthusiasts:

Intelligence is directly proportional to your ability to recognize feminist imagery in a novel. By starting discussions on feminist themes, you immediately establish yourself as the book patriarch of the group. For example, if the book being discussed this month is Hemmingway’s Old Man and the Sea, you should make it clear to everyone that the old man represents a vagina. The sea is also representative of a vagina. Hemmingway also probably meant for the boat to be some kind of vagina schooner, too.
If the first thing that comes to your mind after seeing the above picture isn't "the pain of childbirth," then you're not the smartest person in your book club.

Make sure everyone knows the book being discussed touched you in a way no one else can experience. No one knows your life like you do, so feel free to take some liberties when relating a book to your life. If you’re reading Fahrenheit 451, recount the tragic events of your childhood through misty eyes as you tell in disturbing detail about how your family died when they were sprayed by a fire hose that shot kerosene.

Did you know... that firemen used to put out fires?

Talk about how you understand the author on a very surreal level. This kind of conversation will definitely give people the impression that you, without a shadow of a doubt, the smartest one at the book club. So smart in the fact, that everyone will be compelled to turn the book club into one of those fancy wife swappin’ book clubs. To convince people of this, pour a forty out for the author being discussed while yelling about how he was your homie.