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Friday, June 29, 2007

What if I give birth at someone else's baby shower?

The answer is simple: don't! Do everything you possibly can to not birth a brand new baby boy/girl if you are currently attending someone else's shower. Not only is this rude to the guests that have to witness the crowning of the unexpected and slimy baby you produce, but you will undoubtedly overshadow the reason of the occasion: the expected baby.

If you are preparing for the shower and worry that you might pop at any given moment, there are some steps you can take to lessen the chances of an embarrassing birth.

  • Drink energy drinks to get blood going. The more blood circulating through your system, the more constriction you have in your uterus. The more constriction you have in your uterus, the more weight your uterus can hold. The more weight your uterus can hold, the less like your baby is to slide out.
  • Imagine it's in the middle of July and you want to be cool. Like how imagining it's cold makes you feel colder, imagine life pre-pregnant. Think that you're going out to a bar that night to hook up with some cute guy for meaningless sex that can't possibly lead to your dreams being crushed by a 7 pound, 6 oz monster that will make your life a living hell but give it meaning all at the same time.
  • Cork it
However, if you are reading this now and great urgency, chances are D-day is upon us and you have already started the birthing process. Since it is impolite to upstage the hostess and her up-and-coming bundle of joy, here are two ways to conceal your pregnancy.

  • Now more than ever, fun games and activities are planned for baby showers. If you are playing a rousing game of baby shower bingo, mask your heavy breathing and cries of pain as cries of excitement as you scream "Bingo!" Yell "Bingo" even if you don't have bingo. That small embarrassment is worth avoiding a lifetime of embarrassment caused by this social foo-pa
  • Find some blankets, and deliver your own baby. If you do not trust yourself to deliver your own baby, find someone who you can trust and who will keep his/her mouth shut about it. After the baby is born, slide it next to the expecting woman who the party is being thrown for. Then stand up and exclaim "Oh my goodness! You're a mother!" Point at the baby in disbelief and do that "hysterical joy mingled with crying" that occurs whenever Oprah reveals her "Favorite Things." Everyone has a story to tell the rest of their life after said event, and you can always swipe the baby back after she really gives birth.
It is important to note that there is no point in which anyone at the party can see the baby post-party. In order to keep up this facade, move all cradles and other baby toys into a cellar or crawlspace. Let the baby be your little secret so the housewives of the neighborhood don't start gossiping. Then, years later, announce you adopted a child. The awkwardness and social anxieties inherited through his/her basement upbringing can be explained through standard orphan syndrome.

If you are a man and you find yourself giving birth during a baby shower, leave immediately and watch the movie Junior. If you have any questions left after watching the film strip, take up with

That's it! By following these steps, you will save yourself from embarrassment and save everyone else from such an awkward ordeal!

Wednesday, June 27, 2007

So you're starting Junior High...

Junior high is a turning point in many young people’s lives, and, as such, I have compiled everything you need to know about your upcoming adolescence as it pertains to either gender.

In prison the rule of thumb is to make someone your bitch on day one. In junior high, it’s the opposite. You need to become as passive and easily shaped by other people’s opinions as fast as possible. That is, if you are a girl.

If you are a male, refer back to basic prison rules.

In junior high, in the midst of hormonal and social change, some people will try to remain true to themselves. Don’t. If you don’t come out a completely different person you have failed. Do not hesitate to change everything about yourself: your hair, your clothes, your laugh, your walk, the way you pronounce “egg.” Let us not forget your weight. When weight is concerned, the only change should be less. Less, less, less. Don’t be confused by “inner beauty” propaganda. I mean, after all, beauty has to be witnessed and no one can tell you’re a good person from across the mall. Once again, this paragraph was just for the girls.

If you are male, refer back to basic prison rules.

Dating in junior high is crucial. It gives you social experience and helps you understand that “no” is not a word in a pretty girl’s vocabulary. Every second spent without a boyfriend is one more second on your death clock as the fear of dying cold and alone becomes slightly closer to becoming a harsh reality.

If you are male, refer back to basic prison rules.

Drinking is something that many teens experiment with during their high school years. However, recent studies show that drinking during junior high years is becoming increasingly more rampant. Don’t start drinking in junior high. Start before it. Girl, if you can’t hold your Irish Car Bombs by 8th grade graduation, you might as well not even go to high school.

Guys, when confronted with underage drinking, ask yourself: “In prison, would the consummation of alcohol further me up the ladder that is the prison social hierarchy?”

Let’s review, shall we?

Girls, picture yourself as a shark. In reality, a shark must always move forward or it dies. You must always be changing, losing weight, changing clothes, trash talking, fellating, or you too, will die. So just think of yourself as a shark. A slutty, slutty shark.

Guys, make sure you know how to make a shiv out of a quarter.

And that, boys and girls, is junior high in a nutshell.

Monday, June 25, 2007

D.I.Y Time: How do I build a table?

For eons, tables have been used to rest objects on or to eat off of, or in some rare cases, both. It is with this that it gives me great pleasure to detail Do It Yourself instructions so you can have a table in the comfort of your own home.

In the broadest definition, a table is "a flat surface supported by a base." I kept this simple definition in mind when writing the step by step instructions you see before you.

1. Find a flat surface

Think of a flat surface you see everyday. It can range from being a board of plywood, the roof of your neighbor's car, or even a manhole cover.

If you are running into problems on handling step one, please reference "D.I.Y Time: How do I turn my nieghbor's car into a convertible?"

2. Find a base

Finding the proper base is limited to your imagination. You will most likely want something that has two opposite sides that are parallel. For example, imagine a plank of wood in which both ends of the plank are smooth and level, and if lines were to be drawn off the angle of those ends, they would never cross paths. Of course, wooden planks are a preposterous example. Be free to use anything you find laying around, like a nightstand or footstool.

3. Put flat surface on base horizontally

Make sure you have the flat surface from step 1 ready when you try to do this step. Once you have both the flat surface and base ready, place the flat surface on the base. If you have trouble with this, there is an old trick my dad taught me when I helped him make our kitchen table out of an old lamp and the roof of our neighbor's car. By using the setting sun and the horizon as a guide, you can tell how you are suppose to rest the flat surface on the base. For these reasons, it is best if you build in an area that has a wonderful view of the sunset. If not, try making up an old trick that fits your needs.

4. Admire your hard work!!

Congratulations! You have successfully built your very first table. Feel free to rest things on this table as you see fit and maybe, just maybe, eat off of it, too.

Wednesday, June 20, 2007

Seven Habits for Highly Successful Track Runners

1. Know your sport. In Europe, running is called “football.” Like with anything, knowing the ins and outs of your passions really lets you step your game up to the next level.

2. When coming in for the home stretch, hold you breath. You’ll have the opportunity to breathe after the race is over. You can’t afford to waste precious time and energy breathing in this sport of kings. Additionally, this method builds a lot of self-discipline by conditioning yourself with an action and reward mentality. In short, when you win a race, you can reward yourself with delicious, life giving air.

3. Do not stretch beforehand. Cold muscles travel at higher speeds than warm ones. Cold things in general travel faster than hot things. Comets are giant masses of ice that move through space at breakneck speeds and are much faster than anything hot. Take lava for example. In fact, molten lava has been known to practically crawl down hillsides at speeds that allowed people to escape the torrents of molten fury. Pretty slow, right? If anyone questions why you don’t warm up, enlighten him or her with this factoid. If you’re lucky, you’ll earn a nickname like “The Comet.”

4. Get people to call you “The Comet.”

5. Most runners are not tapping their full potential and are actually using less than 50 percent of their bodies. Endurance runners may find their legs tired during a race. Do not hesitate to run on your hands. Millions of years of evolution as per the instruction of a higher, all knowing power have left us with flexible spine and arms that can support our weight at high velocities for a reason.

6. Don’t be gay.

7. Remember, when passing a baton in a relay, you’re basically saying, “I quit. Finish for me.” That’s a poor attitude. Do not stop even in the face of verbal abuse from your teammates. If they want the baton that bad, they’ll catch you and take it from you.

Tuesday, June 19, 2007

Things to see in Delaware

Welcome to the most comprehensive and up-to-date travel guide of Delaware! So up to date, however, that it is important to realize that most modern documents still list Delaware as a state and have not acknowledged that America's own "Blue Hen State" is now a sentient body of land that craves companionship and understanding. If you still choose to visit Delaware, here are a few attractions you'll want to be sure to check out on the world's first self-aware landmass.
  • Rehoboth beach - This scenic beach is one of the mainstays of Delaware tourism. Of course, it only appears depending on which way Delaware is moving. Delaware, being an East-coast state, must travel in any direction but East for the beach to appear. When traveling East, water rushes onto the beach, covering the sand and destroying most of the beach front property. Even when it's not traveling East, the beach is pretty subpar anyhow.
  • Delaware Memorial Bridge Ruins - Did you know Delaware is the home of the world's largest dual suspension bridges? Well, it use to be. Until Delaware started moving, shifting the tectonic plates of the Earth, causing the suspension bridges to shake and weave around each other like a concrete double helix. Luckily, the wreckage still looks pretty cool, and no one has made an effort to clean up the cars and bodies. You can poke at them with sticks if you wanted.
Fun Fact! Even though it was the largest dual suspension bridge built, they were only the top 39th and 40th suspension bridges in the world individually. So even at their best, Delaware was worse than most.

  • Obleisk of Ancients - Covered in ancient runes, this monolith is positioned in the center of Dover and has been emitting low humming sound since the state began thinking. It is often theorized as the center of Delaware's actions, but science has done little to prove this point. It's cool to look at, but you really can't make a day out of it, much less a weekend or family getaway.
  • Celebrities! - Be sure to pick up a star map before you leave the airport, because Delaware is known as the home for the most renown actors, actresses, and musicians! Of course, most of them jumped state after Delaware started pondering the deeper meaning of being a landmass. That still doesn't mean you can't ransack the abandoned houses of Ryan Phillippe (Breach) and Elisabeth Shue (The Karate Kid.) The only celebrity to really watch out for is Judge Reinhold, who has taken it upon himself to tame the wild Delaware.
Fun Fact! Did you know that Bob Marley stayed in Delaware
briefly and worked at a General Motors plant? Delaware killed
him inside and it was only a matter of time till his medical
marijuana could no longer help the pain.

It's important that you have fun in Delaware. If you openly report your less-than-satisfactory time on the self-seceded state, Delaware will feel alienated and worthless. Make sure you shield Delaware from your opinions if they are hurtful. He needs encouragement now more than ever. However, it won't be hard to have fun if you just follow the guide!

What if I brought a urine sample to a physical even though I didn't need to?

This is a very common mistake that could make you feel extremely isolated. You will immediately feel alone because you’re the only guy in the entire medical building that has a jar of urine with his name on it. But fear not! Everyday, thousands of Americans are bringing cups of piss to places they don’t need to. The moment you realize you are not alone is the same moment you take control of the situation.

Essentially, you need to do two things. You must a.) dispose of your urine in a way that cannot be traced to you and b.) make it look like you are without fault.

In regards to the disposal, you might think that a bathroom would be an ideal place to head. You are wrong. Nothing has failure written all over it like bringing a cup of urine into a public bathroom. This sends the message that you are so busy you don’t have to time to piss by normal means and were forced to piss in a cup only to dump it off somewhere later. People will scoff at your inability to manage your time and you don’t want that.

However, if the bathroom is the only option, make sure you dump it the sink and not the toilet for obvious reasons.

The best way to leave your leavings is to hide them somewhere someone won’t find until you have left. Under chairs and tables are all good options, but don’t hesitate to be creative. If you’re daring, you could try to trade it to someone for something of greater value than urine, for example, a sandwich or money. A personal favorite of mine is to stash it in baby strollers. The parents won’t notice it until its too late and even then, there’s a good chance they’ll think their baby is so smart to pee in a cup they won’t even care. You get rid of your pee, and they become proud parents. Everyone wins.

In order to make yourself look blameless, make sure no one sees you get rid of it, except in the case of trading it to someone. In which case, make sure that person does not speak our language or is ugly.

If worse comes to worse and someone does see you, make sure you leave them feeling so terrible they would never repeat the incident to anyone. You could burst into tears as you explain the cup is a family heirloom or kill them.