Contact Info

Questions? Concerns? Invitations to high-society potluck dinners?
Email us at thesurvivalguidetoeverydaylife@gmail.com

Sunday, March 30, 2008

How do I casually eavesdrop on other conversations without being obvious?

Eavesdropping is an activity that humans have practiced long before anything important was ever said. After people realized that they can use this overheard information for spying or amusement, it became hard to resist the urge of listening to strangers gossip about people who you will most likely never meet. While eavesdropping can be fun, obviously participating in such a timeless act without utilizing the proper stealth and espionage involved in eavesdropping can lead to awkwardness, violence, adult situations, drug use and fantasy violence.

Surprisingly, people do not like to be listened to by an outside party. Furthermore, they do not like to be watched from any sort of distance, nor smelled or rubbed up on while riding the bus. Though these things will forever be part of the mystery that is mankind, it is something you should definitely account for. Do not make grand gestures that remove doubt that you are eavesdropping. At the very least, do not use an old-timey ear-horn pointed directly at the table next to you. If you want to passively spy more effectively, here are some quick "eaves" you can "drop" on. (I don't know what that means. Wordplay confuses and scares me.)

1.) Headphones Heads-up - Since we live in a wonderland of technology, headphones are easy to come by. With a pair of these badboys, you do not even need an MP3 player to offer some entertainment. Simply have the cord coming from your pocket or book-bag, and everyone will assume you are jamming to some Pat Boone, and not learning about how the one time they and Jim got drunk and totally hooked up, but it was really odd because Jim is their pet ferret.

(Note: do not use noise cancellation headphones. They are not meant for this.)

2.) Look Occupied - Try to have something around you that you must constantly attend to. If you are at a coffee shop, constantly stir more sugar into your coffee. Look like you are really into that day's crossword puzzle, even if you don't know what 33 letter website is "a modern day Plato's 'The Republic" (we'll give you a hint: it rhymes with ble blurvival bluide blo bleveryblay blife. blom). If you are on the bus, try smelling and rubbing up on people.

3.) Do not become attached - Everyone on the field of eavesdropping is told one truth about living this lifestyle, and that is to never fall in love. If you happen to find yourself completely taken by someone, you cannot follow them, or use information obtained in your eavesdropping as to where they are going to be later (it's like how evidence can't be used in court if it was obtained without a warrant, only with more emphasis on social respectability and not being a creepjob). This helps you not become a stalker and avoid the pitfalls of stalking like thornbushes and locks.

Thursday, March 27, 2008

Mr. Jones, can you tell us about the time you made love to a black woman?

Well, I don’t really see how this is going to help anyone with anything. Then again, you could argue that such a story could enrich the lives of countless people and last time I checked enriching the lives of countless people was my responsibility.

Like many stories of passion it starts and ends with a castle. Unlike most stories of passion however, the castle was located on a mini-golf course between a hole with a giant Paul Bunyan statue and a hole with a windmill that had a nasty reputation of making guys look like kind of a douche in front of their dates.

We never did make it to the windmill.

Wait, hold on. It didn’t start with the castle. It couldn’t start at the castle because I had to pay before I got on the course and the place where you pay and the castle were two totally different places. My mistake. It still ended with one, though.

Anyway, I went mini-golfing by myself as I often do when I find myself troubled. What was troubling me, you ask? Honestly, the details are personal and I’m really not at liberty to tell.

On a completely unrelated note, Becky is still a huge bitch.

I saw her when I went to pay for my admission. Sometimes I still see her when I close my eyes. Or when I drive by the mini-golf place and she’s working. I knew it cost $7.50 for a round, but I did not know it was also going to cost me a piece of my heart and that she was going to keep the change. When I say she kept the change I’m referring to my heart and not actual money. If she short-changed me I probably would have said something and lovemaking would not have occurred because she would probably have thought me a bit of an asshole for calling her out on her mistake.

She was something else, though; practically perfect in every way. She was shorter than me, which is a huge deal for me. I mean I’m only like five foot seven so you can see how this is important. She also weighed less than me. Another huge bonus. Other than that, she was pretty normal. As far as black chicks go.

It should be noted that I usually mini-golf with two balls when I’m alone and sorting things out. Sometimes this causes issues depending on whose behind the counter. If this bothered her, she showed no sign that it did. I paid her and she handed my club. I thanked her, but my voice was shaky. Embarrassed at the sound of my voice, I began to sweat uncontrollably. She found this endearing and she smiled at me. At this point, a white girl would probably have spit in my face.

“What color balls do you normally golf with?” she asked.
“Blue,” I said.
She placed her hands over mine.
“Not today, you don’t.”

She grabbed my hand and led me to the castle on hole 8. She opened a tiny maitenence hatch and led me inside. I asked her what we were doing and she just giggled. I pretty much assumed she wanted to bang me from the get go, but I figured I’d ask anyway.

What happened inside that little castle on that unassuming par two was nothing short of magical. Our love was primal and raw, while at the same time maintaining a touch of civility. I was forceful and she loved it. I bet she felt like the Titanic as it crashed into that iceberg on that fateful night.

Actually, no. She probably didn’t. That’s a bad simile. A boat crashing into ice does not feel good. She probably felt like someone who was having really good sex. Which she was.

When we left that castle, a family of five looked on in awe. The mother started to clap but her husband stopped her. We also managed to accidentally switch pants in the darkness of that castle, so maybe they were just horrified.

And that, ladies and gentlemen, is the story that will continue to enrich your life.

Edit by Leon Firestone: Yeah, I'm pretty sure this never happened. And I don’t know who Becky is either.

Edit by Mr. Jones: You know what? Maybe it didn’t happen. Maybe I like writing a special genre of erotica where unassuming white guys partake in no-strings-attached interracial sex.

Edit by Leon Firestone: That’s not a genre.

Edit by Mr. Jones: Yet.

Wednesday, March 26, 2008

How do I ghost ride?

Ghost riding is the latest extreme sport phenomenon, brought to the world by the world of "hip-hop." This is not to be confused with hell's hitman Ghost Rider, or even Ghostwriter, the bouncing green dot that helped a group of ethnically diverse kids solve mysteries in the name of public broadcast television. This ghost riding involves dancing around or on top of a car that is moving and also "blasting" "phat/fresh" beats.

Ghost riding is not a new concept. In fact, ghost riders have been present at the biggest events in recent history.








While the sport is regarded safer than watching Ghost Rider and Ghostwriter, there are a few guidelines one should follow when "getting dumb."

Wear tight clothes - Cars have a lot of intricate facets that can do a number on your clothes if they are too baggy. Throw out the "loose jeans" and big jackets for some nice, lung strangling shirts and manhood-showing pants. Worst case scenario, the less clothes the better.

Mix up your moves - Variety is the spice of life, and also the spice of all the sweet moves you can pull off/on your slowly rolling Ford Fiesta. Sure, you can hang off of the doors the entire time if you wanted, but why not try some more traditional dances, but just one the roof? Think of your Ford Fiesta as a parade float, and instead of waving to the onlookers, you are just busting phat moves in their direction. Also, try waving and throwing candy out.

The Wheelz - While I just assume you own a Ford Fiesta, that doesn't mean that it is the only car you should use to ghost ride (although Consumer Reports would say otherwise.) However, because it has "Fiesta" in the name, and "Fiesta" is German for party (and you know how those Germans love to ghost ride), it makes for a solid choice. However, any car should work if as long as it is colorful, stands apart from others, and proud.

If you are wondering how all of this comes together, here is an example picture you can use for your own ghost riding adventures.


Sunday, March 23, 2008

Is cheerleading a sport?

Essentially, what we have here is an issue of semantics. In order to figure out whether cheerleading is a sport or not we’re going to have to define sport.

Merriam-Webster’s online dictionary defines sport as:
1 a: a source of diversion b: sexual play c (1): physical activity engaged in for pleasure (2): a particular activity (as an athletic game) so engaged in
Well, that tells us jack shit.

By this logic, masturbating can be sport because it’s a source of diversion, sexual play, a physical activity engaged in for pleasure, and a particular activity that is certainly athletic in some sense of the word.

Alright, so we need to find some common ground here. I think we can all agree basketball is a sport, right? Then let’s look at some characteristics of basketball:
  • Has a point scoring system
  • Involves a ball
  • Black people are good at it
  • People sweat when they play it
Hmm. Not all sports have a point scoring system. The discus throw doesn’t involve points. You are judged based on how far you can chuck the disc but you don’t earn points. And the discus throw is definitely a sport because it’s part of the Olympics. It also doesn’t use a ball so that theory is out.

Hockey is also a sport that doesn’t use a ball. And black people definitely are not good at it. I dunno why. I think it scares them. I can’t really blame them, though.

So for something to be a sport its participants have to sweat.

But that doesn’t make sense either, because I have been known to clear the sweat off my brow after a jerk-session and we’ve already established masturbating, although it can be done in a competitive setting, is not a sport. My dad also sweats uncontrollably when he eats and eating isn’t a sport unless it involves Asian people and lots of hot dogs.

We’re missing something here. Oh! A sport must be able to declare a winner.

But that still doesn’t work because online gaming can have winners and I know there is a guy somewhere that sweats while playing Unreal Tournament. That guy is also probably really good at it and wins frequently. Even still, Unreal Tournament is definitely not a sport.

Fuck it. You know what, Becky? I’m sick of your shit. You win. Cheerleading is a sport. You’re right.

But I think we can all agree you’re still a huge bitch.

Thursday, March 20, 2008

House Calls: F.A.S.

Causes: You earned a night on the town with friends. Hell, you deserve it. Having to lug this failure in your stomach for the last few months has really taken it out of you. It's time that you just sit back, relax, smoke a pack, crack open several bottles of Grey Goose, dust off the ol' crack pipe, get the paint cans from under the garage, get the tractors ready to play chicken, and above all, have fun being a badass mother-to-be.

So badass in fact, that you might as well stretch out this binge for the next 7 months of pregnancy.

Synopsis: Babies are cute and cuddly. Their appearance can make even the most hardened criminal stop and "awww," until he is cut down by the police who were in pursuit of him, effectively traumatizing the child for life. But what if you had a baby that was cute, cuddly, and can shred a half-pipe while snorting coke off of another skater's board mid-air? This is the magic of F.A.S. or Fucking Awesome Syndrome.

Babies who's mothers binge of every drug and extreme activity imaginable come out significantly cooler than those from plain mothers who read books, play Pictionary, and refuse to wake and bake.

Symptoms: Does your baby have F.A.S? Here is a time line of milestones that you can use in order to find out if your baby is prone to being a pimp.

Birth - Baby cuts his own umbilical cord with butterfly knife.

1-6 Months - Baby creates first bong out of discarded baby-food jars.

6 - 12 Months - He/She cannot walk yet, but dislikes the stroller in favor of ghost ridin'.

1 - 2 years - Child holds his own coke party and is a rousing failure. Let your child learn from this, for it is a very important lesson to have earlier on: just because you have cocaine doesn't mean people will hang out with you.

2 - 3 years - Child learns beer before liquor, get drunk quicker.

3 - 4 years - Potty training

4 - 5 years - Child's first entourage.

Treatments: Why would you want to be stand in the way of your baby being such a party animal? In case you feel as if you must harsh everyone's buzz, I guess you can be a responsible parent/square and set up boundaries and curfews for your child. Also, various clinics and summer camps specialize in rehabilitating your child to be a regular lame kid who draws in coloring books instead of using the crayon sleeves as a coke straw.

Wednesday, March 19, 2008

Why do all Asian people look the same?

Certainly a question on everyone’s mind. I have a theory:

All Asian people are descendants of the same man.

I believe if you trace all Asian family trees back far enough, you would find a single man responsible. I don’t know who this man is or where he lives, but I imagine near a mountain summit. His mountain peak would have numerous rope bridges; the kind that is frayed and has lots of wooden planks missing. He also probably has a defining deformity, no doubt the result of a terrible accident. Perhaps he has knives for hands, or his face is made of bamboo, or he has a giant beard that snakes live in, but the point is his disfiguration would have to be so terrible it would force him to live on a rope-bridge laden summit.

He is also probably immortal. Or at least time doesn’t affect him the same way it does you or I. I’m pretty sure exposure to cosmic radiation can do that. And I mean if he’s already living on the top of a mountain, he’s pretty much asking to get doused with cosmic rays. It’s also possible he is a practitioner of some religion that grants him immortality. Better yet, one of his ancient rituals was interrupted by a shower of cosmic radiation causing him to fuse with the power of the constellations, effectively giving him unending life.

His sperm would also have to be really potent and have extremely dominant genes. I’m not really a sperm buff, but it would have to be potent enough for him to impregnate a woman without ever actually leaving his lofty, rope bridge sanctuary and his genes would have to be so dominant that countless generations would still possess the same physical characteristics.

This theory might aggravate some people because it implies Asia’s history is filled with half-brothers and half-sisters going at it, which I admit is weird. This certainly changes the way I feel about the Korean kids that are really good at DDR at my local arcade.

But also think of it this way: one, glorious man is responsible for so many great people over the years. Confucius, Sun Tzu, Shigeru Miyamoto, Kobe Tai, Mika Tan, Miko Lee, Nautica Thorn, Teanna Kai, Asia Carrerra, and Tera Patrick; all these amazing people came from the same man. At least I think Tera Patrick was Asian. I could have sworn she was in a lot of Asian-themed lesbo scenes.

Sunday, March 16, 2008

Public Outcry: Best Message for Life Survival

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Query - best message for life survival

Our Interpretation - What is the best massage for life survival?

You might notice a small discrepancy between the query and our interpretation. It's not that we didn't like the query. Far from it. In fact, having a message or mantra that you can tell yourself that enables you to survive in this world can be very helpful. However, I originally read it as "massage." Because of this confusion, and because we only go by OUR interpretation, we must stand by our guns and answer this query as we read it, not how they wrote it. Chances are they probably misspelled "massage," anyhow. So what I'm trying to say is "You're welcome, bad-typers."

The best massage for life survival is not some old technique from the Mayans, nor is it found in an obscure bathhouse in the inner city. Rather, it was found in the Relax-O-Matic8700 recliner found in Sharper Image stores across the country until they declared bankruptcy. All remaining chairs were dumped into a nearby volcano, throwing the world of massage enthusiasts into a frenzy. So really, any massage advice I can possibly give you is nowhere near as good as the massage you could have been having a few weeks ago. In fact, I was planning on writing this entry to the guide a few weeks ago, and thought "hey, these chairs are not going anywhere, I can push this off even more."

Here are some good massage techniques... I guess...

  • Well, there is this one, and it's like a back massage, but you use your entire palm to dig under the person's shoulder blades. I haven't tried it, but it seems like it could be good.
  • You can also just walk on the person's back. I've seen Asian women do it, and it was pretty hot. I don't know if their is an actual technique to it, but you can probably wing if there is.
  • Bed, Bath and Beyond sells reasonably priced massagers, and they get the job done if you are by yourself, but I have a sneaking suspicion that this is just where moms go to get innocent looking vibrators.



Friday, March 14, 2008

Is a turtle the right pet for me?

Although not as popular as dogs or cats, turtles are still a solid choice for people looking for a unique experience. Not only that, but turtles are infinitely more rewarding than the faggy iguana or the perpetually gassy chinchilla.

Turtles are low maintenance.
Turtles, much like babies, will sit quietly in their tank and eat whatever you place in their bowls. Turtles do not have vocal chords so they will not whimper if you forget to feed them. On that same note, a turtle will not alert you if a burglar breaks into your home. Instead, they will quietly observe as all your shit gets placed in a burlap sack and taken away as they smile knowingly the entire time.

Turtles have salmonella.
There’s a reason people call salmonella the “love bug.” Chicks dig that.

Turtles come in many varieties.
For the business gentleman on the go, try the Eastern Box Turtle, or maybe a Spiny Softshell Turtle for that recluse woman with nothing to lose to accentuate her balls-to-the-wall lifestyle. Don’t think of turtles as animals. Think of them as fashion accessories that you have to feed and shouldn’t throw at people.

Did you know... Snapping Turtles are punk as fuck?

You can throw them at people.

Can you think of a more badass way to stopping a purse-snatcher than hitting them in the back of the head with a turtle from twenty yards away? That shit would be tight.

Tuesday, March 11, 2008

How do I fold a shirt in only 3 seconds?

Shirt folding is no doubt tricky business. You have to account for a variety of variables, such as sleeve size, shirt length, neck hole diameter, number of arm holes, and whether it not is has a witty phrase printed on it. However, there is an quicker and easier way to fold your shirts, no matter the arm hole count!

Step 1: Hold your shirt above the folding surface. Make sure to hold it in the typical Oarsman style, where the bottom of the shirt held higher than both sleeves.

Step 2:
While it can be difficult for those who are just starting to fold shirts this fast, what you want to do is snap your wrist so the thicker bottom of the shirt spins around and gets into the significantly smaller neckhole. Once the shirt is in typical fornication style, you can lay it down on the folding surface.

Step 3: Using your index finger, grab onto the right sleeve of the shirt and pull it out.

Step 4: No, my right.

Step 5: With what you have clasped with your left finger, twirl it around the rest of the shirt until your hand gets caught in the fabric so tightly, that you start to lose feeling in that hand.

Step 6: In an act that represents your own rebirth, hold on to the wad of clothing with your other hand as you pull your other other hand out of the shirt.

Step 7: Using the kite finger, start spinning it around as if it was a pizza. Use a fake, near-derogatory Italian accent and say how spicy a figurative meat-a-balla is.

Step 8: With the shirt splayed out in all directions due to your pizza-spinning G-force, tie the sleeves together in a typical barmaids knot.

Step 9: In sync to track 3 of the "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents The Smooth Easy-Listening Styles of Survival" CD, gently roll up the shirt and pantomime playing it as if it was a flute.

Step 10: After the fourth guitar solo, unroll the shirt and fold it into a triangle.

Step 11: Fold the triangle over itself in typical Corey Feldman style, and staple two of the three sides it so it cannot become undone.

Step 12: Put your head in the one side that is not stapled.

All you have to do is practice these steps, and you'll do to shirt folding what Pat Boone did to breakdancing in no time!

Monday, March 10, 2008

Bullshit or Bulltruth: E.E. Cummings

By understanding the life of a poet, we gain further insight into his work. As a fellow wordsmith, it is my responsibility to ensure that the life of E.E. Cummings is understood with perfect clarity so that his work will continue to be faithfully studied and appreciated.

E.E. Cummings was the first person to ever have the last name of ‘Cummings.”

Verdict: Bulltrue.

Under normal circumstances, one inherits their last name from their father. However, Cummings’s father, Edward Smith, wanted a daughter. After the future poet was born, Smith legally changed the boy’s last name to Cummings as punishment for having a Y chromosome. A typical terrible father would simply have settled for beating his son, but Smith was a busy man and he couldn’t fit that kind of a commitment into his schedule. He felt that by giving his son a nickname that would earn him a laborious amount of taunting, he could fulfill his neglective fatherly duties while on the road as a purveyor of fine silks from the East.

E.E. Cumming’s poetry employed unique uses of punctuation as a stylistic choice.

Verdict: Bullshit.

Again, his father is to blame. When Smith caught word that his son was making friends despite his last name, he made the boy take private English lessons. Cumming’s private teacher was actually an old college buddy of his father, who taught him wrong on purpose. Although many people are under the impression that Cumming’s poems transcend literary conventions, the truth of the matter is he was told that periods and commas should be used in a manner that reflects how happy you’re feeling at the time.

E.E. Cummings was married three times.

Verdict: Bullshit

Cummings was actually only engaged three times. His first two engagements never saw fruition because his father, unbeknownst to Cummings, stole his fianc├ęs and buried them alive in a location still not known today.

Cummings is the funniest last name ever.

Verdict: Bulltruth.

Seriously, what an asshole.

Friday, March 7, 2008

How do I steal Christmas?

Though we can all agree that Christmas is a magical time, we can also see that such magic should not go unhoarded. It's an innocent holiday. The kids love it and it revolves around gift-giving and being nice to people. It seems like everyone benefits, right there.

But what if you want to benefit MORE?

No one can blame you. With various gifts, traditional food, plentiful good-cheer, and the feeling of being a complete dick to families across the world, stealing Christmas is no doubt one of the best "get rich quick" strategies out on the market. Stealing Christmas, not to be confused with Surviving Christmas, can prove to be quite the benefit to you and whom ever you choose to split the spoils with. (Note: Do not split your spoils.)

Of course, there are many ways to go about stealing Christmas. Some of them are for material gain, while others are for self-satisfaction in ruining someone else's Christmas.

1. Orphan Heist
Despite being an awesome band name, the orphan heist involves you and an inside man who is working within an orphanage. If you do not know someone, you can most likely bribe a nun for dirt cheap. Have him/her organize a massive toy donation in time for Christmas, and have a huge drop box where the orphans can crowd around and marvel at all the toys they think they are getting. Then, on the night before Christmas, you and your friend go into the orphanage and replace all the gifts with copies of the Wayans Brother's magnum opus "Little Man" on DVD. Now whenever you walk by the orphanage, you will most likely hear the hijinks that are bound to happen when a midget tries to play himself off as a baby.

How you benefit
SOOOO many free toys. It doesn't matter if you don't have kids. You can just stash them all in an unused room of your apartment. Every once in awhile, you can look at them. And you will bellow a hearty laugh every time you look.

Did you know... that Little Man has become so imbedded in orphan culture, that many of them try to pass off as babies left on doorsteps in order to belong?

2. The Dinner Sinner
American's are pretty fat. So naturally, a high priority during the holidays is eating. That is why starting Black Friday, you are going to pick 5 different grocery stores in your area, and completely buy out all of their choice meats on daily basis. You must collect every turkey, pig, roast, lamb, tofu bird, anything that can be eaten as a big family meal.

How you benefit
You gotta spend money to make money, so they say. By putting yourself in the hole financially, you can rest easy knowing that you are sleeping right next to a dinner meat goldmine. If you are still bummed about having to spend so much money, you can throw your expired meats from an overpass onto the cars below.

3. Santa Is Dead
The first step is to obtain a Santa costume. The last step is cook yourself in a rotisserie in front of the numerous kids exploring SantaLand at a major department store.

How you benefit
Alright, so this is a tad altruistic for it to be an effective con. You really do not steal anything tangible, but you do steal the innocence of childhood, and I hear that's going to be the next heroin or something. Stock up now.

4. Letting the World Know
For preperation, all you need is a flamboyant guy friend to come to your family's Christmas dinner.

How you benefit
In most of these scenarios, you really do not get to sit back and relax as you see other people's worlds crumble down around them. By coming out of the closet at dinner, you can stand awkwardly at the head of the table, hand in hand with Fernando, as you watch your parents' feelings internalize and become filled with questions and confusion which only lead to anger. It's a pretty fun experience, as Mr. Jones can tell you.

Did you know... that there was something in the air that night, the stars so bright? Fernando?

Wednesday, March 5, 2008

What’s the best way to fill out a FAFSA?

FAFSA (Fucking Application for Fucking Student Aid) is a necessary evil for a college student. Its purpose is noble enough: to provide students with money from Uncle Sam’s wallet so they don’t have to attend Eastern Illinois University. Unfortunately, in order to get those sweet learnin’ dollars, one must complete FAFSA in it’s entirety, which, in and of itself, as many critics claim, is an experience like no other.

Allot Time Accordingly
The FAFSA form is about 20+ hours long with an expansive level up system, three escort missions, and an optional hotel management component. Although FAFSA has a save feature, deadline can sneak up on you, so it’s entirely possible you might have to complete it in one sitting. If this is the case, I suggest staying home from work and clearing your schedule. If you’re pregnant and dangerously approaching labor, try being less pregnant.

Familiarize yourself with the following tips:
  • Cure spells, when used on undead, will deal damage equal to the same amount they would otherwise heal. This is particularly useful about halfway through FAFSA when you start dealing with necromancers en masse.
  • Stay away from throwing weapons! Although initially the damage is impressive, their damage scales off quickly as you progress to the later sections of FAFSA.
  • Don’t wander into major encounters before equipping your party with the best from local merchants. A little preparation goes a long way, and who knows how long you’ll go before you see another vendor?
  • Side quests for each character’s ultimate weapon are time consuming and the pay off is not particularly impressive. If you have the time, go for it, but if it’s between getting Suey’s bayonet launcher and getting stuck at Eastern, go without the ultimate weapons. Again, Eastern sucks.
  • Red barrels explode. But you knew that already, right?
What to shoot for
Upon completion, the FAFSA will award you a letter grade based on your performance. Although one might assume A is the highest, there is, in fact, a secret S rank for the extremely skilled.

The formula for determining rank is as follows:

(Gil spent on Tents)*(Hidden packages found)/(Number of game overs)+(Number of bar patrons saved during the siege sequence)

Note: As of 2004, The Bush administration has passed legislation so that the number of bar patrons saved will not go towards your final score. This is widely disputed because many poor players found reprieve in the comparatively easy siege sequence.

Sunday, March 2, 2008

Public Outcry: 6 habits for very successful homeless ladies.

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Google query - "Homeless Ladies Survival Guide"

Our interpretation - "6 habits for very successful homeless ladies."

As far as things that are homeless go, ladies are by far the sexiest. Seeing that foxy thing following business men up and down the street, yelling about the space goat and God knows what else, it becomes difficult to not be blown away by her self-confidence and enchanting musk. All of these enchanting qualities are part of an act that many successful homeless women follow in order to bring in the major coinage. Now, here are 6 habits that they can follow:

1. Choose consistent locations - You know that one fine piece of ass you see sleeping on the bench every time you are off to the office? That's not because she's a lazy dog. No, this quick fox is sleeping in the same place to build up a rapport with the countless city dwellers around her. Don't judge her. You work in an office, she works on a bench. The only difference is that she doesn't play by the rules, and that makes her so much hotter.

2. Dress for success - While you might be thinking pantsuits, baggy clothes are actually the best. This helps her hide her figure, leaving many possible donators to overestimate how super-sexy she really is. Since baggy is in this year, Chanle has a wide variety for homeless ladies of all shapes and sizes to choose from.

3. Have a gimmick - Carrot Top has props, Jerry Lewis has muscular dystrophy, and your local homeless lady has her own thing that sets her apart. Usually, this is a script she recites when she wants you to glance at her, and become trapped in her come-hither stare. The more outlandish the better in most cases, so be prepared for odd-ball religions and rare diseases. In some cases, both.

4. Maintain the body - Appearance is key when it comes to getting money out of men. Successful homeless women realize this, and doll themselves up for prospective givers. This is why it is often rumored that homeless women initially started the institution of marriage and monogamy in order to put a roof over their head. For maximum sexiness, they usually use herbal essence shampoo AND conditioner, and sometimes even follow that up with the body wash, but only if it was a good haul that week.

5. Make and achieve goals - Upon seeing a homeless woman, one might make some hasty judgments and assume they are all beauty and no brains. In reality, homeless women are goal driven and strive to accomplish much in their lives. In fact, there has been many great women through history that have started by living on the streets. Elanor Roosevelt actually met her presidential husband when he misconstrued her as a gigolo.

6. Get a bachelors degree - It's no doubt that people get paid more depending on their level of education, and with panhandling, it is no different. However, keep in mind that homeless women still only get 79 cents to the homeless man's dollar.