Contact Info

Questions? Concerns? Invitations to high-society potluck dinners?
Email us at

Tuesday, December 30, 2008

How do I excel at being a waiter?

Waitering or waitressing is has been called an art by waiters and waitresses. They refer to it as a skill that has helped them connect with people, enhanced their prioritizing skills, and also put some extra coin in their purse (with exceptions to the few non-nancy boy waiters.) While they may feel that having this life skill is completely unique to them after spending years in this profession, The Survival Guide offices feel we have a pretty good grasp on what makes a good waiter/waitress based on our restaurant observations.

We have scowered the city's many Famous Daves for the most authentic serving experiences, taking notes and making graphs out of crayons and placemats we demanded. Here are some tricks to the trade we observed.

Always be entertaining
People do not go to a restaurant to eat, they go to enjoy the decorations and to watch the lesser-fortunate families. Above all, they go in hopes that their waiter/waitress is equally excited about jackshit. Your success in waitering/waitressing is dependent on how well you can rile up a party as you take orders for some stupid drinks and entrees. Have a joke that's clean enough for an entire family, so you can really get'em rolling on the floor*. I suggest a Pollack joke, because it's something everyone can enjoy, and it serves them right. Damn Pollacks.

*People rolling on the floor might be a blatant disregard for health code and fire code. Make sure to know your restaurant's limites before telling a filthy Pollack joke.

Don't be a stranger
When you are waiting on a table, your customers do not know where you are whenever you are not with them. Sure, you could be busy with other orders, but it is equally possible that you are hunting down their distant relatives, armed only with a bow and your street smarts. Remove these fears by being in eyesight constantly. That way, they do not have to fear for their relatives the same they did for mine in the Poland-England War of 1953.

So many arrows... Everywhere...

Forget things
From my time observing waiters/waitresses, the biggest relief was those few times that the check came when an item we ordered was not listed. As a server, you must realize that these are hard times for anyone, and if you could just give someone a little break every once in awhile by glossing over the check, you can make a big impact on lives. You do not want to seem bourgeoisie by making people pay for EVERYTHING they ordered. We are all part of the working class. You can't simply expect people to pay for all the things they ordered without seeming like a tool. Hell, unnecessary price gouging is what started that whole war anyhow, and thank God it took England to level out those filthy people.

Be hittable
As a customer, we like to imagine things. Things that we could not ever tell you about, like how we'd imagine us, riding pegasus above hellfire while boning majestically as lesser imps and demons nip at the hooves of our winged stallion. You should come into work knowing that you might be seen juxtasposed into this famous England-Poland War imagery.

Monday, December 29, 2008

Sensitivity Training: Working With Women in the Workplace

There was a time in this country where smacking a female coworker’s ass was a sign of good faith. Those times have gone, and for good reason. Everyone knows that smacking a female coworker’s ass could make other female coworker’s jealous because their asses remained unslapped. Then, as a well-respected gent, you’d be obligated to smack the asses of all women in the work place, to make sure no one was left feeling inadequate. Before you know it, entire workdays would be spent slapping ass and productivity would take a substantial hit and because we live in an ever-competitive businesses world, we can’t afford to spend workdays slapping asses to make sure feelings don’t get hurt for fear of a competitor getting the leg up on your place of employment. This, as is commonly known, is why it’s considered rude to smack a coworker on the ass.

But it hardly ends there. Working side-by-side with women is far greater than a simple matter of not slapping ass. Be warned: when interacting with a female coworker there is never a right way. There are only wrong ways. Here are some common scenarios a male is likely

Scenario: A female coworker asks if she can borrow your stapler.
Wrong way: Hand her the stapler like it’s no big deal.

Right way: Tell her she looks nice as you fumble idiotically trying to pick up the stapler to hand it to her. If she shows any sign that she did not genuinely enjoy the compliment you should be ashamed. You could have phrased that so much better! Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!

Scenario: A female coworker is going on a lunch run and wants to know if you want anything to eat.
Wrong way: Tell her what you want and hand her money.

Right way: Don’t ask for anything but hand her a wad of bills anyway. Wait, why is she doing the run to begin with? Chivalry is dead and it’s all your Goddamn fault! Oh great, I bet you’re feeling nauseous now. If you have to puke wait till she leaves, you can’t show weakness around her, that might make her uncomfortable and you don’t want to ruin her day. Oh God, do you think you ruined her day? In that case, you might want to puke in front of her in an attempt to appease her.

Scenario: A female coworker is being a bitch to you for completely unprovoked reasons.
Wrong way: Confront her about it in a positive manner and explain to her that you’re willing to help her out but you’d appreciate if she didn’t take her aggression out on you for no reason.


Friday, December 26, 2008

D.I.Y Time: Snow blower

Fuck snow. Usually this section of the entry is to cajole the reader into beleiving that we are on the same page, but I am so confident that people are sick of snow that I can just come out and boldly state "fuck snow." And while to say "fuck snow" leaves it to interpretation, as one questions whether this is a physical demand or figurative, I answer your question by saying "with a really big snow blower."

The snow blower is yet another way man has asserted himself over nature by using his prowess in machinery and gasoline to move snow in the loudest way possible. Just as we have conquered lawns with mowers, we can control snow with blowers. Though they are nice, they cost money. And gas still costs money. So what are you suppose to do with your crippling fear of monetary transactions?

1. Get some blades
Snow hates getting stabbed. You know that satisfying crunch you hear when you step on snow? That's the snow crying, which is tragic because its tears are warmer than the actual snow and the snow will end up kill itself at a faster than the sun will. Use their crippling flaws against themselves. Get some string and loosely tie some blades to a towel pole. Then, swing it around real fast. This emulates the power of the snow blower, and is also the perfect weapon for street muggings. No one will know how to respond with your knife maypole.

2. Find a leaf blower
The leaf blower can be fashioned to blow away the freshly cut snow with some clever engineering tricks. If you do not have a leaf blower, go to your neighbors with your knife maypole.

3. Car engines
Go to your front yard and pick up the car engine that is sitting on cinder blocks. The snow means you might need to thaw it out, so just put it in an oven or microwave for a few moments. Microwave works best, because it's nuclear powered. When it is fully dried, tie the knife maypole to the engine, and use the blower engine to blow away the snow you have.

Your finished product should resemble something like this:

Just push it up and down the driveway, and your pavement will never look as stunning.

Wednesday, December 24, 2008

How do I prepare myself for a post-apocalyptic future?

Christmas Eve is upon us and Christmas is quickly followed by the New Year’s and a new year should be a constant reminder that one of these days shit’s going to go wrong hardcore and your life may very well be taken in some sort of nuclear holocaust. However, there is likely going to be a handful of survivors and one of them very well be you (but probably not because you’ll likely die of radiation poisoning but you may mutate before you die, so that’d be fun for a bit), so Christmas Eve is as good as a time as any to talk about preparing yourself for life after the world’s inevitable end.

Maybe you will be in a submarine when the bombs fall, I don’t know, but the point is you could be alive (but again, probably not) so let’s talk business.

Find out what people are using for currency.
Money makes the world go round and you don’t want to look like a jackass trying to buy things with obsolete American tender when everyone is using Pokemon cards as money. Pay special attention to whether or not the new currency is finite in number. If the new currency is man-made, then there’s not a lot to worry about, but let’s say, for example, the new currency is condoms. No one is going to be making more condoms because the condom factories will have been blown to pieces, so it might be in your best interest to try to hoard as much as you can. Also, they’ll be useful because I’m sure there will be all kinds of nuclear STD’s after the bombs drop. Even better, if you’re able to monopolize the world’s condom supply you would become incredibly wealthy and you could call yourself the “Safe Sex Sultan,” which has always been a dream of mine.

Find out if you’re the last of your gender.
Hypothetically speaking, if there is a single guy hoarding all the condoms, there is going to be a baby boom because people aren’t going to stop boning. Unless of course you’re the last man or woman. If you’re the last man, it’s going to be a pretty sweet deal. If you’re the last woman however, expect to live the life of a termite queen: bloated, constantly birthing, and always covered in your offspring. You might also grow mandibles. Pregnant women may be very different in the future.

Stay away from pet stores.
Nuclear bombs have the potential to give any animal the Godzilla treatment, making it enormous and giving it lightning breath. If you are scavenging buildings for food and supplies, leave the pet stores alone for fear of being maimed by a huge radioactive Golden Retriever puppy that has giant scorpions living on its back.

Thursday, December 18, 2008

Writing Workshop: How do I write science fiction?

Science fiction is an intimidating genre of writing, because good science fiction makes the reader believe that the writer knows what he is talking about. This is one of the many tricks to the sci-fi trade. Your job is to create an alternate world which you readers can relate to, but how can anyone sympathize for Mars or Martians or space vegetables. Here are some quick guidelines to making your own space opera epic.

Check your adjective use
People know what apple juice, beds, and heaters are, but how can you use this in order to further your sci-fi career? Let's say that you have a character who really likes juice, but he does not have juice because he is living on Phobos. This is quelled by simply stating "(Main character) grabbed a glass and started pouring himself some SPACE JUICE."

We both establish that the main character likes juice, and that the future has brought us space juice. Here are some other items you can use:

SPACE paper
MOON sleeping
STAR sleeping
COSMIC bowling
SPACE heater

That's it!
You can try writing towards a theme or have your novel be a response to something, but all of that will come easy once you establish your environment and product names. Even if you do not know how to actually write a story, people will be enthralled with the alternate universe you created out of futuristic bowling, heaters and pies.

Amazon Customer Reviews for Leon Firestone

Back in October, Leon and I went on a bit of a Tesla coil kick. We dedicated an entire area of the guide office to Tesla coils. Although it probably started out with some sort of research intention, those suckers just look cool. Little did we realize that a machine that shoots lightning would consume copious amounts of electricity. As a result, our electric bill reached a new staggering high. Lacking funds because we had just spent all of our money on like 40 Tesla coils, we took the next responsible step towards making money to pay our high utility bill: we hijacked mail trucks and took stole boxes. Then, the plan consisted of two parts. 1.) I would then open an Amazon store and sell the contents of the box while 2.) Leon would cram himself into the now empty box and he would be shipped to the original location. The former part of the plan eventually got us the necessary money. The latter part was just for funsies.

Here are some of the reviews from those lucky people who got a man crammed into a box instead of whatever the hell the paid for:

[No stars] Was not a television,
By Fredrick Quinn (Peoria, IL)
When you buy a 42-inch plasma television off a respected online vendor, you have some expectations. One of which is that the TV box will not contain a man that will scream real loud when you open the box. My wife is scarred and won’t go near any televisions now without crying. To make matters worse, the man stole our old TV on the way out.

[1 stars] Would not recommend,
We just moved into a new house with a big backyard so I wanted to surprise my kids with a play set one day before they came back from school. The dimensions of the box were inaccurate; I had expected a bigger play set for my kids. Instead only one of my three children could climb on the play set at a time. And after about a week, the damn thing fell on our dog and then blew away in the wind.

[5 stars] Changed my life,
By Dennis Kubly
Never before had I expected a cookware set to help me come to terms with my homosexuality. I had worried I was going to live my entire life in the closet but again, the Rachel Ray brand has come through for me.

[No stars] JUST A DUDE,
By Anime4EVER

Monday, December 15, 2008

How do I rock climb?

[The following article was written by Leon Firestone and was rejected from Climbing Magazine in 1973. No reason was given in the response as to why it was denied, so that was not very constructive on the part of Climbing Magazine's, now was it?]

Mountain climbing is a misunderstood sport for several reasons. Largely because you can be the best at it without any real barometer for skill. The trick to becoming a successful rock climber like me is to adjust your scope so you cannot fail. For example,

Notice the steady incline in the waterfall? Notice how it is made of rocks? Rocks you can climb? By successfully scaling this, you are a rock climber. This guide is not just how to be a successful rock climber, though. Here are some tips and tricks to help you climb your own rocks.

Find a climbable rock
Notice that we settle for climbable and not "challenging" or "on fire." If you want to learn how to rock climb, you have to walk before run, and then run before you can rock climb. Try something that goes only ankle or shin high. I suggest a cemetery, but only because I am a fan of the macabre.

Gear up
Pack your Survival Guide to Everyday Life Survival Kit, which you should have on your persons at all times anyway. All of it.

There is also the matter of personal preparation. Make sure to do you exercises as rock climbing can be an exhaustive experience. To insure you get the proper training, please buy The Survival Guide to Everyday Life "Training Rock." Also, get loads and loads of crampons. Not for better traction, but to make the rock you choose as your bitch.

The ascent
If the rock does not stand higher than your knee, simply step on it with one foot, and try to find a way to fit the other foot.

If the rock is higher than your knee, then try to jump and scissor the rock in such a way that you stay off the ground. As long as you are off the ground, this counts as a successful rock climb.

If the rock is above your torso, try sit on it by jumping up butt first. If your feet are on the ground while you are sitting, just swing them around so your entire body is on top of the rock, or just pick up your knees.

If the rock is above your chest, find a new rock. You are not ready for the big leagues.

I hope this gets you interested in rock climbing and starts you on your climbing career, readership of Climbing Magazine!

Friday, December 12, 2008

Actor’s Corner: Nailing a Part With No Preparation

The time will come when you will you expecting a production of Our Town but only moments before the curtain goes up, a clearly frazzled director will leap from the stage apron to your row and beg you to take the role of George Gibbs. You will chuckle to yourself and decline politely. Then the director will take a knee and beg you, explaining he can spot a George Gibbs from a mile away and that he needs you because in an act of gross oversight he failed to cast the character. You will tell him you are indeed flattered, but still, you cannot. At this point, audience members around you will begin to say encouraging things. One stern man will yell that only queers don’t like the theatre. This will start a slow clap and the director will take you by the hand and lead you backstage.

This will happen. It’s important you don’t fuck it up. People paid good money to see a production and now this is your problem. Only moments ago you were so like them: not expecting to be George Gibbs. However, the theatre has no time for your expectations.

Note: the following advice is universal and does not pertain specifically to the character of George Gibbs or Our Town at all, for that matter. In fact, I never liked Our Town. It’s like, I get it Thornton Wilder, everybody dies. I didn’t need a 3 Act play to tell me that. I mean, mad props for getting a Pulitzer for Drama. That’s really impressive. And I mean that sincerely. I even like the idea of the narrator breaking the fourth wall but still, this shit is boring.

People are easily impressed by accents.
Just talk with an accent. Just make sure it’s an accent that’s different than the rest of the characters. It adds another level to the character because clearly he is an outsider and that makes him mysterious. Is your character running from the law? Perhaps he was heavily involved in the sex slave business? These are the questions the audience will ask if you have an accent. Just those two questions, though.

Your character should have a mustache.
Mustaches allow you complete anonymity. This is good for two reasons: on one hand, it allows you a chance for some theatrics at the end of the play when you remove your moustache and everyone gasps at your true identity and two, if you totally bomb your part people will be looking for a guy a mustache to provide some constructive criticism for. As an actor, receiving constructive criticism is an unspeakable shame. If you already have a mustache (perhaps because you’re an accomplished actor that expects roles to be thrown at him) put a bigger, fake mustache on top of your regular mustache. If you are a woman and have a mustache, do not put on a bigger mustache. Not like it you’d get the chance to act in anything; ain’t no motherfucker going to ask you to be in a play if you’re some lady with a moustache.

Distinct physical abnormalities show skill.
Hannibal Lector was creepy because he didn’t blink. Using this logic, your character should just be crippled. Unless there is another character in the play that is already crippled. In which case, you should be at least three times as crippled as he is. You might have to be creative, though. If another character is wheelchair-bound, it’s going to be hard to out cripple that. If your character was dragged around by a belt tied to his arms pulled by the dogs, that just might out-do wheelchair.

Wednesday, December 10, 2008

How do I lose my virginity the Leon Firestone way?

Be 15: This stage is important because you are far too innocent to actually go out of your way to make an elaborate plan to net you sex. This is also before the 'Why does no one want to bone me" mentality kicks in at 17. Also, at 15, you are less likely to be in a situation in which you will try to booze a girl into sleeping with you. If you were 15 and this happened, I kind of want to be your friend.

Be at a Styx show: I'm not sure how this holds up to today's musical standards, but the Styx rocked pretty hard. Regardless, I am sure you're chances of losing your virginity will not be hindered by the fact that is a greatest hits show. Their music is known for the smooth, arousing rhythms, and will no doubt get prospective mates in the mood. This was later reaffirmed when the police approached my car pulled off to the side of the road, blasting Mr. Roboto with the windows down, and caught me fervently masturbating.

Find a drunk mother who is in the wrong bathroom: This part can get tricky, as a lot of it comes to pure chance. You cannot just wait in the bathroom for her because you would scare away her presence, but you must check just enough so it does not seem creepy that you walk into the bathroom, look through doors, and walk away disappointed. Try to pick up the telltale signs of a drunk mother in the wrong bathroom. Do the people in stalls have heels on? Do you hear a drunken woman in your immediate area? Is their hysterical crying? All of these must be taken into account.

The beauty of this is that the drunk mother should guide you through the process in the tone of a caring mother, which is admittedly screwed up and will probably mess you up with sex for the next three years. Fortunately, if she's drunk enough, the caring tone is turned into "Do it, you faggot. With your dick," like my case. There are a few regrets, as i never knew her name, but I am still happy I was able to get that out of the way to enjoy Sail Away as a finale. Man, such an epic song. It has everything a song should have: exposition, rising action... but I'm getting ahead of myself. Point of the matter is, go to a Styx show and become a man in the most dignified way possible. Or else you are gay.

Monday, December 8, 2008

Corrections to The 2003 World Almanac

Despite being a New York Times bestseller, the 2003 edition of the World Almanac is not without factual inaccuracies.

I have noticed the following errors in the following sections:

Noted Personalities – Composers of Classical and Avant Garde Music
Not included in this section is Walter Beardly, my landlord at the time. Beardly would compose elaborate musical scores and then sing them as he crawled around the building’s vent system. Although this was terrifying in a way words cannot describe, he made a deal with all the tenants that he wouldn’t charge for utilities as long as we didn’t move out and gave him constructive criticism on his compositions from time to time. Although he may not be well known, an almanac can’t call itself an almanac if it it’s not all-inclusive especially when he had such an impact on a single community's musical world.

Nations – South Africa
The entry fails to mention that the currency for South Africa is fingers. This is very significant for not only cultural reasons, but also ethical reasons. Based on their currency system alone, South Africa has managed to provide an answer to a question that has plagued thinkers since the beginning of time: how much is a single human being worth? South Africa’s answer: 10.

Sports- Women’s National Basketball Association
Although not technically wrong, there is a line between being a helpful reference and just wasting paper. With over two pages dedicated to the WNBA, the 2003 World Almanac is guilty of killing and wasting trees.

Price – 19.95
Wrong. Two weeks ago I paid almost double that for this damn almanac. The people behind The World Almanac really need to be able to predict the changing value of the dollar and how much you will pay for an outdated reference when a man pulls you into an alley and holds you at knife point and demands you will pay an inordinate amount of money for said almanac. These things happen.

Wednesday, December 3, 2008

Public Outcry: How it's made: Turkey Killing Machines

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Query: how do turkey killing machines work?

Our Response: "How It's Made: Turkey Killing Machines"

The Survival Guide still has a pending lawsuit with the Discovery Channel due to the likeliness of their show "How It's Made" has to our world-renowned reoccurring segment, also called "How It's Made." Mr. Jones said that he would organize a case against them with everything he's learned from People's Court. He said he was going to go to the court, and he left the office humming the theme song, so I knew he was focused about law. Then he came back 3 hours later covered in blood and screaming. Just screaming. Not trying to say anything or respond to me. Just screaming.

Regardless, we are waiting for Discovery to apologize and change the name of their show to something more fitting, like "How these things are done," "Makin' stuff," " or "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents How It's Made."

Anyhow, Turkey Killing Machines? This query is quite a broad subject, so I believe the querier is looking for either turkeys that are killing machines, or killing machines that have been made by turkeys. For the latter, I would direct you towards the documentary Chicken Run, as it showcases some of the Chicken technology and Mel Gibson. If you are researching the former, then still watch Chicken Run. It is such a good film.

In hindsight, I wish the query was "Please tell me all about how the Discovery Channel is run by two-bit idiots." I was riding that rage, then some guy just HAD to know turkey killing shit. I mean, I love the Discovery Channel. Shark week is marked on all of my calendars, with the day before marked "Stock up on booze, drugs and women." The Survival Guide office throws a soiree of sorts. It's all very high class and revolves around the longest running week dedicated to sharks on cable television.

But Mythbusters? The show based around our own penchant towards the world and my Walrus-'tache? It's amazing they aren't giving us money for that idea, but they aren't because that case was thrown out by the judge. Or at least that's what Mr. Jones said. Well, wrote. On the wall. In his own blood. I'm starting to think that law is not his thing.

Monday, December 1, 2008

Banned Levi's Jeans Commercials

Compared to the rest of the world, the USA gets pretty lame commercials. I once read that in Britain there was a commercial that had two naked chicks feeling each other up in a kiddie pool filled with Bailey’s Irish Cream. Interestingly enough, the commercial was for kiddie pools and not Bailey’s. The fact that booze and kiddie pools have the same demographic in the UK is just one of the many reasons they are more socially progressive than us.

Because I have an interest in all things banned and contraband, I have a collection of prohibited Levi Jean commercials on various VHS tapes, as well as a closet full of narcotics I have stolen from various police evidence closets in the state the New Jersey. If the technology existed, I would upload the videos onto the Internet but I’m afraid that day is a ways off. But when that day arrives, what a day it will be!

Because I cannot show you the commercials, I will describe them for you. After reading each description, simply close your eyes and allow your mind to take you where technology cannot!

Original air date: 12/12/1988
Description: A slightly aged (but still busty!) mother-figure is folding laundry on a bed. After folding a pair of Levi jeans she accidentally knocks the pair off the bed onto the ground. After picking up the jeans up, she realizes the rear side of the jeans are made out of hundred dollar bills. Perplexed by this, she turns the jeans over again. The side that was clearly denim a half a second earlier is now made entirely out of marijuana. The Levi logo fades in on the bottom right corner of the screen as she rolls a blunt using the jean money.

Original air date: 7/16/1994
Description: A pair of sentient jeans is running from the cops on a suburban street with a gun being held by a belt loop. The jeans kick down a door to a two-story home while returning fire through the dining room window as they climb the stairs. One of the bullets hits the police commissioner at the base of the throat. The jeans, still firing wildly, come to a bedroom balcony that overlooks the street and the now rapidly forming police barricade. A female cop with a megaphone urges the jeans to cooperate. The jeans yell back they’ve gotten their hands bloody before, but never bloody with cop blood and that there is no turning back now. The jeans then turn the 9mm on themselves but before the trigger is pulled a hail of sniper fire rips the denim apart. As the tattered jeans tumble over the balcony, the Levi logo appears in the bottom right corner of the screen.

Original air date: 5/9/2005
Description: An okay-looking man puts on a pair of Levi’s and a hot lady does not wrestle him to the ground and try to have sex with him. The reason this is banned may not be as clear as the other two (for one, it’s a federal crime to burn money and two, female cops don’t exist) so allow me to explain. Putting Levi’s on will always make hot ladies try to have sex with you. Always. If it doesn’t work, then you just haven’t bought enough. It is considered unethical to lie to customers, so the commercial was banned.

Friday, November 28, 2008

How do I tell if I had a successful Black Friday?

Black Friday (observed) is the day the slaves were freed in 1865 and is now a huge shopping holiday. Stores commemorate human rights and the emerging of common sense by having doorbusters, early birds, and dawn scavenger sales. However, the successes of your shopping can not be determined by simple monetary values. As we know, there is more to life than just money and the saving of said money. This checklist is meant to itemize your Black Friday (observed) experiences to make sure you are living a fulfilling life.

___Did you cut in any lines?

___Did you see anyone get jacked in the face?

___Ratio between how much you spent/how much you were going to spend

___Ratio between how much you spent/your life savings

___How many crying babies did you tolerate?

___Did you witness a bitchfight?

___Did you use your charisma and experience from hard-living to cajole extra deals?

___How many people did you see that you never want to see again?

___Did you only shop at Wal-Mart (God, I love Wal-Mart)?

___Did you see someone driving the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Did you drive the wrong way in a parking lot?

___Was that you who almost fucking hit me?

___Did you do any shopping for your family?

___Did you even see your family?

___Did you shake the hand of a black man and thank him for this day?

___Did you accidentally wish someone "Merry Christmas" despite it being 28 days away?

Checks count as one points, and each dollar counts as .005 of a point. If you got over 3 points, congratulations! You are living a fulfilling life that does not need to be in check, because seriously, you got this life shit down. If you were that person who almost hit me, really? I mean, there were signs everywhere. EVERYWHERE.

Thursday, November 27, 2008

Turkey Day Around The World

In America, Thanksgiving is obviously the celebration of the invention of hats with buckles on them. That fashion was then mercilessly imposed on the Native Americans and when they eventually caved, we celebrated with a turkey dinner.

But what about around the world? Holidays are by definition universal the world over (derived from the Latin roots hollus and dayus, which means “celebrated” and “by all motherfuckers,” respectively), so how does turkey day look in the scope of other cultures?

Ignorant reader, allow me to force-feed you some culture.

In Columbia…
A typical Colombian family will have a meal similar to an American Thanksgiving dinner. However, the side dishes, silverware, and the table itself will be made of cocaine. The turkey will remain typical poultry. Unless of course the family is poor. In which case, the turkey will be made of cocaine.

In Germany…
German children will spend the day before hiding their shoes. In all honesty, this isn’t really a German Thanksgiving thing as it is just a German thing in general.

In Jamaica…
John Candy goes door to door organizing families into bobsled teams. The families then race against the clock on a bobsled track three times. As is Jamaican custom, the first run is embarrassing, the second one is impressive, and the third and final run comes dangerously close to breaking an Olympic record but tragedy strikes and the bobsled flips over. The family then carries the bobsled to the finish line while receiving rousing applause in the process. Much like Americans, Jamaicans often confuse John Candy and Chris Farley.

In North Korea…
People starve as a frightening government pursues nuclear weaponry in lieu of any sort of social welfare program. It’s kind of like half of a Tom Clancy novel.

Monday, November 24, 2008

Famous Killing Machines: Henry David Thoreau

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.

Henry David Thoreau and his "Civil Disembowelment"

Thoreau is known as a transcendentalist, a famous writer, and for taking his last stand in a giant wooden cart filled with gunpowder and rage. After writing Walden and Civil Disobedience, he saw that the return to nature he wanted the American public to take would never happen, and that the taxes he told them not to pay were paid in full. This made Henry David Thoreau angry. He started to write another essay, which remained unfinished. Here is an excerpt:

On All of You Guys Being Douchebags

Seriously? I'm trying to put myself out there and get everyone to not support a government that supports war, and you're just gonna keep paying taxes? Great. I'm glad I stayed up all fucking night writing that. In fact, I'm so happy I spent all that time on Walden pond, since none of you cockasses are going to take this seriously. Do you have any idea all the shit I had to go through up there? I had no outside contact except to go to my mother's every other Sunday. My only human contact was MY MOTHER. Can you even fucking imagine doing that? No, you can't, because you never had the stones to live in a fucking cabin, on a pond, in a forest, away from society, to show everyone how amazing nature is. And it is. But you wouldn't know, because you are all a big ol' dicks.

MURDER and taxes

It was soon after this he started creating his killing machine. It was his goal to make people aware of his writings by killing them. In their death, he made sure that they did not pay their taxes ever again. This was to stick it to the man, and also set an example for their family and friends. The message of "Henry David Thoreau is gonna fuck you up."

Being a transcendentalist by nature (GET IT?), The killing machine was naturally (GET IT?) made of wood. It was bulky, bipedal, and had many layers of wood to protect Thoreau from various musketballs. The machine was outfitted with two giant saws on both of it's arms, and a pair of scissors on its head. There was also some slits in the torso of the machine, as it was Thoreau's plan to set fireworks off from this part as a last resort.

Like this, but only if he were to bear children with Wood Man.

His master plan did not work out so well. He imagined that, because of the war in Mexico, the law-enforcement of his town would be lacking. However, because everyone did not read his essays and continued to pay their taxes, the law-enforcement was even more plentiful. This means by the fourth house that he had broken into, there was already 5 officers following him, and continuously hitting him with batons. The killing machine was cumbersome, and when he tried to swing his saw-arms at the police, they would just step out of the way, knowing that it would take another 5 minutes for Throeau to build up the strength to swing again. Annoyed, Thoreau tried to lit off his fireworks and shoot them out of his torso, but this proved fatal for Thoreau, as his clothes were made entirely of gunpowder.

John Wayne LEGACY
Emerson tried to do a similar thing, but the "Self-Killiance" never really took his town by storm. As such, he injected himself with pneumonia and died. The clothing explosion of Thoreau cost the lives of four police officers. In commemoration of this and to make sure that nothing like this happened again, the nation started destroying nature.

Friday, November 21, 2008

Field Research: Dropping Acid and Going To An NHL Game

The following is a transcript from a tape recorder. In a realization that if someone asked him if he knew if going to a professional hockey game on acid is really scary he would not be able to supply a sufficient answer, Mr. Jones attended a Black Hawk’s game in the proper state to answer the such a question.

The tape recorder that this transcript is derived from was found in a tube stock about half a block away from the office of The Guide. It is as follows:

How much is too much? Worse yet, how much is too little. What’s the point of doing this if I don’t take enough. What if I take too much acid and it lodges in my brain and I forget stuff? Shit. Shit. Shit. I can’t forget how to swim, my friends would be so disappointed. Swimming is what birds do in the sky, but for fish. [Tape recorder drops] Gravity shouldn’t still work if the ice is bleeding. Stop bleeding ice. GODDAMIT SOMEONE HELP THE ICE. People are staring but they are not helping the ice. HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU STAND IDLEY BY WHEN THE ICE IS BLEEDING?! [Children’s voice being hushed by parent] Yes! At least you guys understand. You go get help and I’ll make sure the bleeding doesn’t get worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Worse. Horse. I can get home and avoid traffic if I ride bareback to back to the office. I don’t know how to ride bareback. I need a bareback, though. Names are names for a reason. Shirt off. [People laughing] Oh God. They’re laughing because they don’t think I know how to ride bareback. I have to commit. Act like a professional. Pants off. [People screaming] Sound is a playground and screams are the bullies! Can’t let bullies catch me! [Pounding footsteps] [Panting] Screams are fast. They’re following me. Ohfuckohfuckohfuckohfuck. Parkinglotisbleedingtoo. [Panting] Gotta stop the bleeding. Apply pressure. [Police sirens] Nononono. Man in blue wants me to stand up. Can’t stand up because I can’t release pressure. Man in blue is not a man of math. He doesn’t understand the transitive property. If it bleeds, I bleed. Then if I bleed, he bleeds too. [Cop yelling] LET GO! I’M SAVING ALL OF US!

Wednesday, November 19, 2008

How do I cut away from in-jokes?

In-jokes in everyday conversation are a bane to strangers and potential booty calls. The conversation becomes an archaic labyrinth of mystery and disinterest, as you make callbacks to that one thing your friend said when your guys went to see the midnight showing of Space Chimps dead drunk.

This is no way to net poon.

Instead, here is some anecdotal advice about how you can shy away from terrible stories of your stupidity.

Don't Digress
Always stay on subject. Never take your -mouth-eyes off the vocal-prize. I learned this lesson from one time when Mr. Jones and I were clubbing, as we usually do. It was a foam party and we both noticed this girl and fancied her equally. He starts talking and stuff so I tried to stop him by saying "Rocklicked" really loud. We both laughed really loudly, because that relates back to an earlier story where we went to WWE RAW. Mr. Jones really wanted to see Ric Flair, and while we were there, this security guard came up to us and asked us what we were doing, and Mr. Jones was all like "Hey mister, what's the mustard?" and I could only hope to contain my laughter, because that was just like the time we were at this opium den.

Reevaluate your personal stories
Some of those tales you weave in order to better your appearance are not as effective as you think. In fact, a study done by the University of Thug claims that "your stupid ass stories ain't no shit." (Curtis, 2007) From this point we can see that you should trim the fat and only use the best "Pories." Sorry, personal stories. Pories came into being when we happened across a homeless man who was eating the remainder of a police horse. Both the hobo and the horse reeked of blood and nightmares, but we told him, in unison, to "wrap it up" which goes back to when we were both generals in the Vietnam War, but for entirely different reasons. Well, both of them do relate to blood and nightmares in a way. I guess.

Have possible topics in mind
Read a newspaper or find some random fact sites on the internet so you can have an axillary conversation in the "wings." Sorry, that one was for Mr. Jones. He loves "that show." Sorry, that one was for me, because I loved That 80's Show. It was such a good series, it's a shame it never got the attention it deserved. Did you ever watch it? It's like what my persona hero John Grisham once said: "sometimes the best puppies are the ones who have to get shot first." I think he said it. It might have been my dad.

Monday, November 17, 2008

How do chairmen of the FCC get appointed?

The FCC (Federal Communications Commission) is the government agency that regulates the airwaves. It is there work, and only their work, that keeps 9 year-olds across the country safe from the horrors of side boob.

The FCC regulates other things as well, including language, but mostly side boob. This is a good thing because side boob is a lot like front boob, only way more terrifying and confusing. Just like how it’s really weird when you don’t recognize a friend from a weird angle, side boob can cause confusion in children and make them believe that side boob is a beast all it’s own, instead of just boob from a different vantage point.

Although extensive literature exists on side boob, the real issue is how does one get in the position to regulate side boob on the public airwaves? The answer is a closely guarded secret that pits a potential FCC chairman on a trial he will no doubt find difficult while at the same time enlightening. The trial comes in three steps, culminating in an FCC initiation ceremony.

Step 1: The Ungoodening
An individual seeking the coveted position must simply borrow a loved one’s favorite VHS (without them knowing, discreetness is crucial) and redub all the swear words into retarded nonsense that effectively ruin the feel of the movie. Bonus points are received if the altering of swears actually changes the plot in a significant way. Bonus points can be redeemed for a personal censorship keychain, which is actually just a Taboo buzzer taped to a keychain.

Step 2: The Unudening
An individual take a porn VHS (it must be a VHS, this is crucial) and using nothing more than a VHS and another blank tape cut it in such a way that it looks just like a poorly acted movie where a busty woman gets her TV fixed, pipes fitted, pizza delivered, pool cleaned, stabled shoveled, or house demolished.

Step 3: The Unwalleting
You must find a man in a flannel jacket (it must be flannel, this is crucial) and fine him everytime he does something you don’t particularly like. Word of warning: as someone not yet initiated as an FCC chairman you have no authority to demand he pay his fine. You must either be really convincing or take it from by force. Just be careful that the man in the flannel jacket is actually male and not just a well-built lesbian. The FCC does not take kindly to those who collect money from larger homosexual women who are dressed like lumberjacks.

The Ceremony
I have no idea what takes place in the ceremony. I didn’t make it this far. I like boobs and swearing too much. Also, I beat up a lesbian. Not because she was a lesbian, but because she was wearing flannel and I didn’t read the debriefing very well.

They did let me have the Taboo buzzer, though.

Friday, November 14, 2008

How do I sneak into a daycare center?

While Mr. Jones maybe right with his claims to superior jingle ability or jingbility, one thing that has rubbed off on him is a penchant into invading privacy and being places he does not belong. For awhile, our slogan was "The things we learned from invading privacy and being places we do not belong," but Law and Order came on the air 5 months later and we realized that we had to completely rework every jingle to fit its theme song. Our current motto can be seen on our banner, and can be sung to the theme to the Law and Order theme song, SVU arrangement.

Back to the heart of the manner, Mr Jones suggested that people should break into daycares and whisper slogans to 2-3 year old kids as they napped. I fully condone this, but you cannot just sneak into a daycare center on a whim. It takes carefully planning, training, and observation, which I will condense into a few sparse paragraphs.

1. Know the schedules - You cannot barge into a daycare and expect that nap time is always at 11:30 (in fact, you shouldn't barge into the daycare at all due to the nature of this mission. Keep this in mind.) Know the times of coffee breaks, smoke breaks and nap breaks that the teachers push on the children.

2. Keep on the DL -Observe the operations of the daycare for a full day from a non-suspicious van. It is important that people do not think you are watching them as they are against your guerrilla sloganing, so it's important to make sure your van has as few windows as possible.

3. Have an exit strategy - Lets say you somehow screwed up our advice and got caught when trying to sneak in. Always know where the the closest door, window, or incinerator is at all times. If you take interest in the theatre, go incognito as someone who would not be out of place at a daycare center. This includes, but not limited to, mailmen, parents, grandparents, confused people, Santa Claus child predators, and candymen. Be creative with your disguises. Even if you get caught, you can hope that they will at least appreciate the innovation you brought to your disguises and will let you off.

IF you are caught in one place, chances are your whole operation will be compromised as the daycare center community is a very tight-knit group when it comes to people guerrilla sloganing. I think it's because they hate America.

Wednesday, November 12, 2008

How do I make a marketable slogan for annoymous sex?

Leon Firestone claims to know a lot about making marketable slogans for promoting anonymous sex but the fact of the matter is he acquired the skill from me. For record, this isn’t me getting on my “I’m the master” soapbox. In many partnerships the transferring of skills from one partner to another is a natural process that should be embraced. While I may have taught Leon everything he knows about making sex slogans, I have learned plenty by his hand. I have him to thank about everything I know about the process of making crystal meth. He also taught me how to ride a bike.

With that being said, I am very much the master and here are some tips towards making that slogan for anonymous sex that you’ve always wanted. Not only that, but by going through these steps, I will create an example slogan to help you learn.

Step 1: Make sure the slogan starts with a condition people can immediately identify with.
White Hen’s slogan was “When you run out, run out to White Hen.” As a slogan for anonymous sex it’s subpar, as a slogan in general it’s a pretty solid representation. The “When you run out” part is key because it gives listeners a condition to identify with and because it comes first and grabs attention. People do run out and when they think about running out of something, that little slogan pops into their head. You have to do the same thing but for anonymous sex. Phrases like “When you want to bone with a stranger…” or “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore…” For our example, we’ll choose the latter.

Step 2: List the location for anonymous sex.
There is nothing worse than being told to meet someone at a glory hole only to not be able to find it in time. This confusion is often called "Glory-Holers remorse." Communication is key with anonymous sex because of the fact no names are exchanged. There is absolutely no margin for error because you can’t call or text the person to remedy any miscommunications. Using this and by building off of step one, the example slogan now reads “If you feel the urge to gte your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street.”

Step 3: Clarify that location.
I can’t stress the need for clarification enough. Think about some confusion that may arise from the location and address them in the slogan. Now the slogan reads, “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street.”

Step 4: Make it musical.
I know there is a difference between a slogan and a jingle, but that doesn’t mean a slogan can’t have a sing-song quality! “If you feel the urge to get your dick wet with someone you don’t even know in a bookstore, come on down to the Barnes and Noble on State Street. Not the Borders on State Street” becomes a much catchier slogan when you sing it to the theme of Law & Order. You’re free to make up your own melody but why bother? The Law & Order theme is pretty sweet.

Step 5: Get people to repeat it.
Between the ages of 2-3, children are prone to repeat almost anything they hear. During naptime, sneak into a daycare and repeatedly whisper it into every child’s ear. When they wake up, your slogan will reach new levels of circulation.

Monday, November 10, 2008

How do I solicit sex in a gas station?

The holiday season is approaching and, as we all know, gas station bathroom sex becomes more imperative to you operating as a human being. Actually initiating these bathroom rendezvouses is a different story. Here are some tricks of the trade that I have picked up from the last 30 years of anonymous, but sweet bathroom sex.

(Note: I know this might be surprising for some readers, but this is not me coming out of the closet. Bathroom sex and homosexuality can be mutually exclusive interests. This isn't gay or anything, this is just men admiring each others strength.)

1. Find a reliable gas station

Reliability in gas stations and gas station bathrooms are not directly correlated. The nicer the gas station, the less likely you will find people who are willing to sully it. In my personal experience, the best folk you can find will be in Phillips 66 gas station bathrooms. I swear by this and have sent in letters and made phone calls to see if they would be interested in using me for an advertising campaign. However, we could not reach an agreement. Not only because it was not an image they were looking for, but the slogan I proposed was "Get away from your nagging, lifeless failures for 15 magical (or at least interesting) minutes." In hindsight I see that this was not a good slogan. I'll break this down later for "How do I make a marketable slogan to promote anonymous sex?"

2. The writing on the walls

The bathroom wall was a more intimate precursor to the internet. It functioned as both the best parts of Craigslist and the worst parts of 4chan combined through an unholy union of Sharpie and metal. Go from stall to stall and examine the last posts. Wade through the filler like "first!" and "Want to be a hero in bed?" to find actual times and dates. Just like the internet, be wary of the ads you choose to answer, because a RickRoll is highly possible. You have to plan around the posters schedule, something that is a lot easier to do once you realize your family is dead weight and life is much better just roaming bathroom to bathroom while the snow falls and the nights grow colder and longer.

3. ...Or just do your own thing
If you feel daring, you can always go for the series of toe-taps, tongue clicks and bird calls to find any potential people around you. You can also say code phrases. I personally say "so then the guy says rectangle?" I know I found a possible person if I hear the response "Damn near killtangle." Not only does this find possible mates, but matches on a much more personal level. Of course, that doesn't matter, because you are never gonna see them again, but it's the thought that makes the whole process go much smoother, and smoothness is going to be in need.

4... Or just go on the real internet . It's a great resource of local directories, profiles, interests, and what possibly friends are looking for in random truck stop hook-ups. You can also tell tales of woe on how your life use to be before you started pursuing random truck stop hook-ups. These are usually tear jerkers, but always inspirational.

So there you go. No extravagant stories on my past experience of gas station sex, but I think I get the point across that anyone can partake. Especially at the Phillips 66 on 156 and Kinkade Street. At three, six, nine, and twelve. Everyday. Not gay.

Friday, November 7, 2008

The process of becoming a saint, explained

We’ve all got that friend. That friend that’s a real cool guy, but you can’t help but feel he’s better than you. He never mentions it and to be honest, he probably would be offended if you brought it up to him. That’s because he’s humble, and that is only one of the many reasons he’s better than you.

So you spend your nights awake, your unblinking stare burning a hole into your ceiling as you wonder what’s it going to take for me to one up this motherfucker? You could get a PhD. That would give you a feeling of superiority over him. But what if invest your heart and soul into academia only to have him still make more money than you. In that case, he’s even better than you because he didn’t try nearly as hard as you did.

The answer? Become a saint. Your friend will find it hard to be superior to a Goddamn saint and if he still manages to give off that pompous vibe at least you know you’re better because being a douche bag to a saint makes the saint more superior of a person by default. I’m pretty sure there’s a clause in the Constitution that explains it. If not, it’s so prevalent in our American culture that it might as well be.

They don’t just hand out halos, though. This is probably for the best because if they were free or you could buy them, it’s safe to assume your better-than-you-always friend would have one. He has everything.

Well what you have to do is perform three miracles. I always thought miracle was a vague term, but I called the Vatican and they faxed me a transcript and it turns out it’s not really vague at all. It’s actually very simple to understand, and I feel a little stupid about being ignorant about it for so long.

This was what the fax had to say on the subject of attaining sainthood:

A saint must complete at LEAST one miracle from three of the miracle domains; repeated miracles in the same category do not count towards sainthood.

Miracles of the Helpy Variety
-Devote your entire life to helping someone that’s totally going to end up dying on you
-Help a group of people that are unaware of God by making them balls scared of Him
-Invent a machine that feeds people and that is powered by prayer
-Plan a fundraiser

Miracles of the Flashy Variety
-Win of a game of HORSE by only making shots with eyes closed and facing the wrong direction
-Fight a guy on the top of the train but the fight has to end with a guy not noticing the fast approaching tunnel until it’s too late
-Make a stranger cry
-Hunt vampires and make it seem like it’s not the coolest thing ever

Miracles of the Holy Variety
-Convince a bunch of people that everything looks like the Virgin Mary
-Call out a priest for referencing the wrong passage in the bible
-Eat a whole box of a Communion wafers
-Bleed from the eyes

Saints also need to take a computer literacy class, which can be waived with a satisfactory exam score.

It's that simple.

Wednesday, November 5, 2008

Key moments in American-Hologram history

Yesterday was no doubt an important time for America and for the world. In fact, it is now a national holiday in Kenya. Loosely translated to "Day of Transperant Visage," it's a day set aside to recognize the importance of CNN and its new use of hologram reporting, which brings centuries old technology to the media's forefront. Here is a breif history on how the hologram has helped out America in the past, and will no doubt prove more helpful in days to come (how could they not?)

1775 - The hologram was first used during the Revolutionary War, when the King would broadcast himself into the colonies and deliver stern speeches about how these defectors will be crushed. No one took him seriously. This was due both to his message to the colonies, and Benjamin Franklin would do this thing where he would pretend like he was humping the King, but the King had no idea why everyone was laughing. This is how Benjamin Franklin got the nickname "Ol' King Porker," something we can see on our 100 dollar bills to this day.

1864 - General Lee fooled General George McClellan by broadcasting the holograms of soldiers into his army of 20 to add an additional 40 ghosts of fallen soldiers. This caused George McClellan to say his famous catch phrase "G-g-g-ghost!" and run away with him army following him. As per orders, the troop's saxophone boy was ordered to play Yakety Sax during the retreat.

1921 - Chicago speakeasies used holograms as decoys to distract police officers during raids. This led to the arrest of 36 different individuals who were actually made out of light. Their legacy can be learned at the Museum of Science and Industry, and in the city's election process, where each 36 has voted 7 times in every election since 1921.

1945 - The Japanese try to execute a kamikaze attack on Pearl Harbor for the second time, only it has been replaced with a hologram. There are no American casualties, and very few Japanese casualties surprisingly. After it was realized that it was a hologram, the Japanese knew they could not return home because returning home from a kamikaze mission would bring dishonor. Instead, they just flew around aimlessly, trying to find something that was worthy of flying into it. They ended up settling in Mexico and building the bar which would later be the model bar used in Cheers. A call out to them can be seen on a special thanks during the famous last episode, when a Japanese plane crashes into the bar.

Monday, November 3, 2008

Blogging Ethics

Leon and I just recently completed The Survival Guide’s first book tour. The tour started in Kansas City, took us to Detroit and ended in the beautiful city of Newark, New Jersey. It should be noted that the Survival Guide does not have a published book, nor do we really have the intention of doing so. Leon and I are just confident in our abilities as writers that we felt that we could warrant a book tour without actually having published anything tangible.

Correction: anything tangible of literary merit. On every odd weekend I publish and distribute my own version of the Federal Papers that accuses a chubby boy from the neighborhood of being a total pussy. I’m not crazy, though; I know this pamphlet onslaught does not have literary merit. It does however, have journalistic merit.

It's a lot like this, except the word pussy appears three times as frequently.

In Detriot, a young man asked us blogging ethics. To put this into a timeline, this was after our car was stolen but before we were mugged and at the exact same time a guy peed on Leon.

We were stumped. We didn’t know what to say. And this wasn’t because we were overcome by the pungent smell of urine wafting off of Leon. All too often he reeks of urine and we have both become accustomed to dealing with it. After a while it became endearing, like a family dog that can’t stop farting.

Blogging ethics? At the risk of sounding unprofessional, I told the young man that sounds totally fucking gay. The blogosphere (which concidentially, is located in Newark) is far too diverse to impose a single set of ethics.

In response he stated that Eric Mueller, a law professor, felt that blogs “can be a check on big media.”

I told him that citing sources was for pussies. And that makes him a pussy. Although I do not know this man’s name, chubby boy from the neighborhood will receive a few weeks reprieve because my Federalist Pussy Papers just found a new target.

So no, for the first time, Leon and I have nothing to say on the subject of blogging ethics. However! We do have a set of rules that will help you identify a shitty blog.

Look at the URL.
Is .blogspot located in the url? If it is, it means whoever writes the blog is a jackass that can’t afford hosting on a service that isn’t free. The only thing worse is if the blog has a .com address that just takes you to a blogspot website. This means the fuckers were only willing to drop the 3 dollars for a domain name and operate under the impression that it makes them more official somehow. Stay away at all costs.

Are they using their real names?
People that are not willing to divulge to write under their real names are not to be trusted. For example, my name is Mr. Jones. If I wanted to deceive readers into thinking I am someone else, I would use a fake name like Dr. Bones. No one has the first name of Dr., that’s just retarded. Stay away from assholes that use titles like they are first names.

Do they frequently refer to things that are obviously fictional as if they are real?
There is nothing shittier in a blog than building up a mythology. Here at the Survival Guide, you know damn well whenever we reference our office it exists in a determinate location and everything in it as we real as it say it is. Especially the giant skunk ape we keep in the attic. Again, if you answer yes to this question, the sooner you stop reading the better.

Does the blog have a banner at the top of the page, depicted a black and white illustration of two men in a flying machine?
Be careful when deciding whether or not something is a flying machine or not. Hang gliders, for example, are not flying machines. Airplanes though? Totally are. This gives a new meaning to the old saying “If the blog has an airplane in the banner at the top, tell your friends it sucks.”

Friday, October 31, 2008

How do I properly tell ghost stories?

The ghost story is an art that harkens back to the traditional ways in which we told stories, with campfires roaring and our cannibalistic bloodlust for other tribes and families subsided for the day. While campfires have turned into burning log channels, humans still love a good frightening story and the curiosity of tasting human flesh. Delicious, succulent human flesh.

Be a hit at your Halloween party with these helpful, yet spooktacular, hints:

Place a light source right under your face, and wait for the scares to happen! Evidently, this will scare people. This actually comes from a psychological experiment where subjects were put into a room and looked at other people in perfect light, then the lights were turned off and subjects were given flashlights. When the lights were turned off, people were completely and utterly frightened about what was going on and what that gnawing sound was. It is believed that the selective light made them completely frightened, and not the panther they released when the lights went off.

Voice of horror
I'm the first one to admit that I am not a good coach, but just imitate my voice.
"Good EEEEEEEVennnIIIINNNG! Are yoooooooou READY for a SCAaaaaaaare?!* This Ssssssssssssssssssssssstory of Woe?! There was CHILD whoooooooo..."

I think that's a good representative sample. Just go with that.

*this means do this in a W.C. fields voice. Not all of that sentence, but the good parts.

means say this in such a way that comes off sincere, but also like you just killed the goldfish you were suppose to be looking after while your neighbor went on vacation

Italics means just listen to your heart.

Eat one of your listeners
Here me out. Only one of them. This way, people think he's in on the joke. If you go after all of them they'll be like "no, don't eat all of us" but that one guy could just be a really good actor. This is why this advice works best when your friends are really convincing actors. If not, you can find them under city overpasses at night.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Elicit Celebrity Habits Of A Chilling Quality or AN OTHERWISE HALLOWEEN-Y NATURE!

It was brought to my attention that Halloween is fast approaching, I felt this strange because Halloween is approaching at a rate no different than any other day because that’s how clocks fucking work.

Nonetheless, I wanted to get into the spirit of things. If tabloids are any reflection on us as a culture (and they certainly are, along with bullfighting and, we have an infatuation with celebrity life. Combined with the end of October’s infatuation with the spooky (a word that rode the short bus if there ever was one), I have been recently motivated to borrow a large sum of money from my associate, Leon Firestone, and travel to Hollywood and discover the following shocking facts about our betters:
  • If you gaze into Zoe Deschanel’s eyes for an extended period of time she tells you how you're ancestors died!If you ask her to stop, she merely continues at a higher volume!
  • Cuban Gooding Jr. targets and slays curvacious baristas and keeps their bodies in a Smart Car at an indeterminate location!
  • Jeffery Katzenberg, CEO of DreamWorks animation, had a son that died at space camp. This is why the DreamWorks logo depicts a ghost boy haunting the moon! Why he is fishing is unknown.

Perhaps he is fishing for the life that never came to fruition?

  • Steven Spielberg has a horrible secret and it is as follows: his love is real. But he is not.
  • Christopher Lloyd has a little known record of starting fires in high rises and waiting at the bottom of fire escapes with mouth agape, trapping his victims not unlike a Venus flytrap!
  • Halle Berry is a frequent rider of public transportation despite owning countless sports cars because she likes being reconized on the bus!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Bullshit or bulltruth: cold remedies

Colds are a natural way the body keeps your ego in check by leaving you annoyed by sniffling and coughing, but is not contagious enough to warrant sick days. These days often leave you looking disheveled, you feel out of place, and nothing seems to click like it use to. You are right to assuming that this is just like getting blazed for 5 days straight, only imagine also being covered in your own mucus and getting your face kicked in. So in this case, it's like that one time I got blazed for 5 days straight. HOWEVER(!), you need not worry about your bloodied, mucus covered face no more, as here are some cold remedies that have either passed the test of time, or failed the midterm of duration.

Lots of vitamin C
Verdict: Bulltruth
As we discovered in an earlier post, Vitamin C is a great singer who does wonders for your immune system. Just by listening to her cover of "Pomp and Circumstance" on loop, your body will undergo its recovery process. It is important to note that full recovery comes with listening to the song at least 157 times in one sitting. While this seems manageable, keep in mind that most people only last 3 listens until committing musical suicide. Still, it is a risk you should take. Do it. Do it, pussy.

Bed rest
Verdict: Bullshit-ish
The annual total of bed deaths is rising every year, leaving this myth behind on the times. There might have been a time where this was true, before Americans started making beds that would randomly smother sleepers for nothing more than fun. But these are the times we live in, and beds can just no longer be trusted. Sleep still might be effective in combating colds, so just try to sleep elsewhere. Note that if you sleep in a tree, you are out of the reach of bears. I read that somewhere, so you can apply that to your current predicament. You can also try sleeping on the ground, but beware of the possible repercussions.

Yaks blood
Verdict: Bulltruth
As expected, drinking the daily recommended supply of yaks blood that doctors have been pushing for the past 50 years does wonders for your body. Not only will it cure your cold, but embiggen your muscles and immediately melt any tumors you have in your body and turn them into ice cream.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Sweetest Day Explained

Sweetest Day has come and gone and much like Boxing Day, Memorial Day, The Day of the Dead, Bastille Day, Yom Kippur, and Walter Payton’s Birthday, no one really knows where Sweetest Day came from or how to celebrate it. Personally, I thought it had something to do with diabetes awareness until my associate, Leon Firestone, pointed out it’s a hallmark holiday that’s pretty much like Valentine’s Day. Skeptical, I demanded evidence. He then pointed to a collection of Sweetest Day flowers arranged at the front of Dominick’s. I did not feel this was a compelling argument because people with diabetes can enjoy receiving flowers as much as the next person. Needless to say, I am willing to entertain the thought that Sweetest Day has the purposes of honoring loved ones even though it’s obvious that Leon Firestone hates people with diabetes, something him and I do not see eye to eye on.

The question still remains: how does one celebrate Sweetest Day? Insofar as I can tell, the process goes as follows.

Step 1: Find a loved one.
Take some time out of your day and think about someone you really love. When you think you’ve decided, spend some extra time with that person. Remember: loved one doesn’t mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It can be a member of your family. This should bring you to step 2.

Step 2: Realize that loved one is kind of lame.
What the hell were you thinking? I know I said it’s cool to pick a family member but I was just trying to make you feel better. What if you picked your mom for Sweetest Day and your best friend picked a supermodel he met on the El and they have tons of crazy awesome sex because of it? You would feel so lame. I would be ashamed to be your best friend at that point. If I was your best friend and you picked your mom for Sweetest Day, I would take your number out of my cell phone so fast it would make your head spin. Not like I’d need friends at that point anyway, because of all the crazy awesome sex with a supermodel would fill the void left by friendship.

Step 3: Drink lots of whiskey and drunk dial an old love interest.
Alcohol makes you charming. That’s a scientific fact. So by that logic, lots of alcohol would make you so charming that an ex-lover would be willing to forget about the time you made out with her sister because they look the exact same from behind. She had a very mature body for a 15-year old, alright? It was an honest mistake. These things happen.

Step 4: Agree to meet them at a location.
Make sure you pick a place you are both familiar with. Like near the dumpster where, hypothetically speaking, she tried to stab you with a switch comb after you made out with her mom because she also looked very similar from behind. I think it’s a genetic thing. I can’t be blamed for being fooled by genetics.

Step 5: Give that person lots of candy.
Straightforward enough. Although word of warning: if that person actually does have diabetes, this can be construed as a hostile action. If that’s the case and you accidentally offend the person, don’t worry. I find that making out with a person’s aunt at Thanksgiving does a pretty good job of burying the hatchet for these kind of things.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Famous Killing Machines: Jules Sylvester

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle

Humble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!

The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY

Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.

In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"

May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.

His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.

The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.

This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Historic Failures: The Pony Express

For as long as there have been horses, there have been people demanding horses delivered to their door. Even though horses have been domesticated since about 3000 B.C. when man discovered the scientific break-through of punching horses in the head until they do what you want them to, it wasn’t until 1860 and the Pony Express that the world saw its very first horse delivery service.

President James K. Polk was upset with the fact it took him about six months for him to have a horse delivered to the far west. Like any self-respecting man, Polk wanted his horses sent places in a timely fashion. Towards the end of his presidency, he began to divert tax money to a secret project that would eventually give the world the Pony Express.

Unfortunately for Polk (and tax payers nationwide), the project would turn out to bear bitter fruits. Bitter, horse-killing fruits.

A nameless scientist who worked on Polk’s project had the following to say on the methodology of the Pony Express:

"Horses are pretty fast, right? What if we tied one horse to another horse and made it run real fast to the desired location. That’d be pretty cool. We’d have to tie the horses real tight because horses are pretty heavy, but I think there’s some real potential here. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my brother can tie a real good knot. Mmhmm."

Ultimately, the Pony Express was a failure. Unless of course you consider pairs of bonded horses tumbling down creeks and ravines so they land in broken heaps and unable to graze because of grievous injuries that would eventually lead to either starvation or death at the hands of elements to be successful. In that case, it was very successful.

How the hell where the horses supposed to know where to go? Come the fuck on.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Haunted History: The Little Rascals Curse

It is common knowledge that child actors have had the most fruitful, successful lives. Beaver of "Leave it to Beaver" fame lived on a giant mountain of money and naked women, and owned half of India before he died while bravely fighting in Vietnam from overdose. Shirley Temple has been largely successful in her post-childhood career, and is now the number one hostess of high-class crystal meth parties found in most homeless shelters. Even the kid from Jerry McGuire earned his life of privilege and has since amassed a fortune, alternating through experiments and pimping. The Little Rascals were not so fortunate. Instead, each of the little rapscallions has met a most unfortunate death, as the Hollywood fate machine chewed them up like a bunch of beef jerky soaked in a fine red wine. In no specific order, here are the destinies that Little Rascal actors found after living life in the fast lane.

In a drug deal gone astray, he died at age 29 accidentally from a mishandled switchblade which he meant to stab into other people!

Chubby's incredibly overweight body was due to a glandular problem he had at birth. He died at his home from pneumonia, because when he use to lay around at home and watch TV all day, he would actually lay AROUND THE HOME and watch TV all day! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

Died of R.Y.N.N.U.I.S.P.D.W.B. (Running Through a Neighborhood Naked Under the Influence of Several Powerful Drugs While Black!)

Darla Hood
She once got her car broken into. It was really scary, but they only took road maps for some reason. Either way, you have to admit it is unsettling!

Started his own karate dojo in the suburbs of New York, but when it came time for a demonstration for new students and their ever-so-hot mothers, he could never break both planks of wood with a single chop!

Wanted to swim with sharks once, but he had a condition that made his heart explode upon thinking that!

Mickey Daniels

Lives a relatively normal life... but his son has downs syndrome!

Scott Beckett
Became a carnie, but only with moderate success!

Found with a tranny and suitcase of blow at a child's birthday party he was entertaining.

Pete the Pup
Tried to run for president, assassinated

The only one to escape the clutches of Little Rascals fate, Robert Blake went on to star in Hell Town, where he was a small town preacher with you teachers morality through the works of apositles Smith and Wesson. Nothing bad has ever happened to him.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Works of Sigmund Freud Explained

Sigmund Freud is more or less the father of modern psychology. Not only that, but he was a trailblazer in an effort that tried to explain modern human sexuality. Arguably (and everything here at the Guide is arguable), his three essays on sexuality are perhaps his most important works.

However, these essays are pretty self-explanatory and really do not need to be explained. When he talks about anal retention in children it’s pretty self-explanatory: kids like to hold their shit in until they take massive dumps. That’s like psychology and childhood education 101. Huge dumps is one of the wonders of childhood; it’s like the Easter Bunny or Holy Communion.

What does need explaining is Freud’s other works. The ones no one talks about. While he was writing extensive literature on the human mind, Freud also wrote a lot of things people didn’t understand.

In 1901 Freud wrote a short novella about a man that gets turned into a gay cockroach. Interestingly enough, only fifteen years later Franz Kafka wrote The Metamorphosis which was had a very similar premise except it didn’t involve a gay cockroach. Needless to say, Kafka’s book caught on whereas Freud’s book only became popular with fans of a very small homoerotic insect niche. In art (and Freud championed that this was very much art) when one asks “why?” one actually asks “what effect does this have?” In this case, Freud was trying to capture the struggles of the homosexual identity. Also, he really liked gay bugs.

He also had a rough draft for a fourth essay on sexuality titled “The Problem with Bitches.” The essay was divided into three parts, which were titled ‘Bitches Think They Know Me,” “But The Bitches Don’t Know Me,” and “You Hear That Bitches? You Don’t Know Shit.” Historians and psychologists alike have tried to find meaning in this unpublished work but the explanation is simple: Freud had lady troubles. And he probably had lady troubles because he referred to women as bitches.

Freud was also notorious for archiving all his shopping lists probably as a result of OCD. What is not understood about these shopping lists is that Freud would always write “balls” on every list and underline it twice. Although some weird emasculating mental condition where Freud felt he needed to constantly buy his manhood every week is possible, I think Freud just had the sense of humor of a 12-year old. Because, you know what? Balls are pretty funny.