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Friday, February 29, 2008

Mating Rituals for Eskimos

In a previous installment, I managed to only scratch the surface of the expansive Eskimo culture. Today, I would like to discard the general scope and look specifically at the mating rituals employed by Eskimos. You may be wondering why this is important. The answer is simple: by fully understanding the mating rituals of the Inuit, science may finally be able to place Eskimos as the missing link in the evolutionary chain between modern man and polar bear.

Eskimo scholar K.A. Applegate speculates that the evolutionary process of man looks something like this.

Like with all courtship, it starts with finding a prospective mate. Because typical Eskimo garb (heavy parkas, corpses of slain walruses, etc) does not lend itself to show off the finer curves of a female Eskimo, accidental homosexuality runs rampant in Eskimo culture.

However, when a suitable mate is found, the male shows interest by constructing a giant phallus in the snow. The female, in response, will either draw a heart in the snow (signifying mutual interest) or make an off color remark about how she’s had bigger (signifying she’s had bigger).

Commitment Ceremony
You may argue that an Eskimo commitment ceremony should merely be called a “marriage.” This is wrong for two reasons: one, by referring to a step in the Eskimo mating cycle as marriage, we weaken the sanctity of Western Civilization’s preconceived notion of marriage and two, Eskimos are an extremely progressive people and although accidental homosexuality does occur, the Inuit believe that it’s okay for some people to make the same mistakes over and over again.

Much like wolves, black vultures and anglerfish, Eskimos mate for life. When the time comes for the commitment ceremony, the tribe’s shaman leads the proceedings. In addition to a shaman, every tribe also possesses an Orwellian Nightmare Machine that simulates Nineteen Eighty-Four with startling realism. Hand in hand, the Eskimo couple enters the machine only to emerge a day later with a deeper appreciation for not only each other, but also for the various works of George Orwell.

Reproduction Cycle
The gestation period for Eskimos is roughly 7 months. When it comes time for copulation, the female lays her eggs in the male’s stomach. When the eggs hatch, the baby Eskimos push through their father’s skin into the light of day. Normally, this would cause great pain to a living creature, but Eskimo skin is extremely porous and elastic to the point where the hatching process causes no discomfort for the father.

Although hundreds of baby Eskimos hatch, many fall prey to penguins, killer whales and polar bears, so only a small percentage actually reach adulthood.

Tuesday, February 26, 2008

Letters to the Survivalists

Since we started The Survival Guide to Everyday Life, Mr. Jones and I have never directly interacted with the public due to a Howard Hughes level of mysophobia. Now we have decided to take a dip into the mailbag and reply to letters we have received by those readers who have been inappropriately touched by our words. If you have any comments or concerns about our guide, or just want to wax about days of yore, please feel free to e-mail us at

From: Mary Jones
Hello! I have been waiting for you since to contact me for your Confirm able Bank Draft of $800,000.00 United States Dollars, but I did not hear from you since that time. Then I went and deposited the Draft with FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY, West Africa, I travelled out of the country for a Months Course and I will not come back till end of febaury. What you have to do now is to contact the FEDEX EXPRESS DELIVERY. as soon as possible to know when they will deliver your package to you because of the expiring date.
Thank you for your generous offer, Mary. It's nice to see that the public has warmed up to us. So much so, that we are trusted to to contact FedEx express delivery and hold onto a generous sum of money. Because I am internet savvy, I will send you my social security number, credit card information, and mother's ashes via e-mail and not post them publicly on this site.

Hi SurvivalGuide2EverydayLif,

Thanks for signing up for SlideShare.

Click here to confirm your email address.
Thank you so much for hosting that powerpoint the one time we did a powerpoint. We hope to use you again, but that would require us to have free time, and that is just not a commodity in these times. By the time we come back, please try to clean up your interface. Seriously, it took me 35 hours to try an upload one 11 slide powerpoint. Learn to be user-friendly. Pricks.

From: Bergreen Strimel

Real men! Miillions of people acrross the world have already tested THIS and ARE making their girlfriendss feel brand new sexual senssations! YOU are the best in bed, aren't you ?


Devellop your sexual relationshhip and get even MORE pleasuree! Make your boyffriend a gift!
So Bergreen? It sounds English, but the "Hoi" says otherwise. Anywho, what kind of private detective are you hiring? Whoever he is, he is VERY good. I cannot seem to please any woman in bed, possibly due to my sterilization from working in a coal mine and having a portion of my meat fall victim to a pick-axe accident. Despite your detective work, you have addressed half of this email to females, or "girls!" This is worrisome, because Mr. Jones and I are not, and do not plan on becoming female. Moreover, this just makes me feel lonely and crave for the fruits of the female body. In conclusion, stop being a prick, Bergreen.

From: Internal Revenue Service
After the last annual calculations of your fiscal activity we have determined that
you are eligible to receive a tax refund of $873.20. Please submit the tax refund request and allow us 3-9 days in order to process it. For upfront cash, please meet us under the bridge at 95th and Samson Drive at 2:00 AM next Wednesday. Come alone. Do not wear a wire.
It's always nice for the government to make good on their promises of tax refunds. I'll try to look the other way on some of these funds, as I am sure that their is some extra cash in here to help support the site you love. See you soon! : )

Edit: 4:56 AM Wednesday - What the fuck, guys?

Monday, February 25, 2008

The Oscars give me a feeling of inadequacy because I secretly fear I will leave this Earth without achieving greatness. What should I do?

It’s the day after the Oscars, which means millions of Americans are loitering around water coolers expressing their satisfaction and dissatisfaction about the academy award winners. If you listen closely you can hear the banter on the wind. “No Country really deserved it,” says a middle-aged accountant. Elsewhere, one nurse tells a doctor the sheer dreaminess factor that George Clooney possesses. In Cleveland, Jack Nicholson starts a rumor that he ate the orchestra.

But why settle for merely discussing the academy awards? I mean, you’ve seen these movies and you have to agree an Oscar would look pretty bitchin’ on your spice rack. After all, the people on the red carpet aren’t smarter then you, they’re just genetically superior. A smart person might suggest that in order to make life seem more fulfilling, you should start defining success on your own terms, not based on other people’s accomplishments. Well that supposed smart person is a pussy, and let me tell you, he ain’t got no Oscar.

With nothing more than a handycam, you can snag that Oscar and, once and for all, finally prove it to your prom date that blowing the third string quarterback was the biggest mistake of her life. While making your movie, just asking constantly ask yourself the following nine questions:
  1. Is your movie based off a Cormac McCarthy novel?
  2. Does your movie have a killer with a pneumatic hammer?
  3. Does your movie have Woody Harrelson in it?
  4. Do you realize that quality sound mixing, sound editing, and costume design aren’t important because those captions don’t mean shit?
  5. Is your movie the winner of the 2008 Best Picture Award?
  6. Is anyone else getting sick of Steve Carrell?
  7. If given the chance, would you bone the shit out of Ellen Page?
  8. Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson was at the Oscars, isn’t that awesome?
  9. What the fuck was that French guy saying?
If you answered “yes” to the first 8 questions and “I know, riiiiight?” to the ninth, expect an Oscar in the near future.

Friday, February 22, 2008

Early childhood development: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

For new parents, any small difference in their baby's development from anything found in the countless books they've read could be a telltale sign of failed parenthood, leaving them doomed to raise this self-defecating embodiment of their mistakes. However, some of these norms are misconceptions, and we will now wade through the bulltruth to find some answers.

"If your child skips crawling and goes straight to walking, he/she will be bad at math."

Verdict: Plausible

I know, this segment is not called Bullshit or Bulltruth or Plausible, but keep in mind that we tried to force alliteration into our subjects, and clever-sounding names come first above all else. With that aside, this rule has many exceptions due to the definition of "walking." While some parents will refer to their baby's walking as the child standing upright and carefully alternating steps with each foot, others might see walking as when a baby drags it's head across carpet, tile, dirt, anything, as if he is constantly epically failing at breakdancing. In both cases, the child is bad at math if it's a girl.

"Cats can steal the air from a baby's mouth."

Verdict: Bulltruth

Though this wording of the myth can be misleading, the synopsis I gathered through extensive research is that "cats will fuck your baby up." It's like if you were to being suffocated by a pillow, but that pillow was actually furry and something you feed on a somewhat regular basis. Cats fight a multi-front war against dogs, water and cheezburger, so why not add babies to the list?

So cute... but so DEAD!

"A mother's dependency on drugs during pregnancy can affect the growth in a child."

Verdict: Bulltruth

This is no laughing matter: irresponsible mothers should think about the insurmountable damage they are doing to their kids. What I am referring to is F.A.S, or Fucking Awesome Syndrome. Let's say a mother of the child drinks, smokes, or does any sort of illegal drug/cool thing (ie, skydiving, matador-ing,) while she is pregnant. During prenatal development, this risky behavior and badassedness pools together and manifests into one cool baby. While many babies are still trying to walk, (or drag their head in a retarded breakdancing fashion) your F.A.S. baby will be dancing with the sexiest bitches at the hottest coke parties in town. We're talking a cool level of at least 17 Fonzies jumping over 34 sharks. Mother's, you owe it to your sons and daughters to get loaded and high 24/7.

And also fight bulls.

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Where did Reaganomics come from?

Ronald Reagan, often heralded by conservatives as one of the most shining examples of the Republican Party, is, as you might expect, responsible for the economic policies aptly titled “Reaganomics.” Reagan himself did not like the term “Reaganomics” and would have preferred to go with his original choice of “operation ass-kick.” The name was later changed when Secretary of State Alexander Haig showed Reagan the clause in the constitution that stated “It is an unjust use of the executive privilege to make policies that have the word 'ass' in the title.”

Many do not realize that the inspiration for Reaganomics did not come from economic theory. The trickle-down theory, a defining characteristic of Reaganomics, which operates under the assumption that upper class spending will later benefit the lower income classes, was actually forged one gloomy July day in 1979. On this day, Reagan woke up from a reoccurring nightmare where he dreamt he attended the first day of school naked and everyone was consequently eaten by wolves because of his nakedness. His wife, seeing him visibly shaken, gave him a hug before he left the house.

Nancy Reagan had no idea what she had just unleashed.

Reagan felt his mood so improved by the simple gesture, he felt he should share the wealth. In a hug-frenzy, he began to embrace random people on the street. These people, instead of screaming or socking Reagan in his creepy leathery face, were immediately afflicted with a similar need to hug people. Happiness spread like wildfire and for one moment, albeit fleeting, everyone in America was simultaneously happy as a result of this Pay it Forward-esq lovefest. Today, that day is commemorated when we celebrate Bastille Day or Talk-Like-A-Pirate day or one of those gay-ass holidays.

When Reagan took office, he was faced with high levels of inflation and an equally high unemployment rate. This is when Reagan realized money works in the same way hugs do.

Except in this case, the wealthy have all the hugs.

And they would have to do a lot of hugging to make a difference.

And the hugs would take an extremely long time to show any positive effects.

So long in fact, many would argue that the trickle-down theory has never worked, nor will it ever work.

And you can’t buy prostitutes with hugs.

Monday, February 18, 2008

Etiquette Excellence: Celebrating Presidents' Day

Much like Sandwich Day, Talk Like a Pirate day, and Bastille day, Presidents' day is an over-commercialized mess. However, unlike Christmas or Valentine's day, Presidents' day was created for the sole-purpose of getting everyday American's to help our economy and buy something that their family, friends, and landlords would love (Landlord Appreciation also lands on the third Monday of February. ) There is no sick misrepresentation of corporate America here however, as America wants us " spend dead presidents FOR our most important, yet dead, presidents." This was the catchphrase Nixon used to promote his initiative of Presidents' day as a national holiday, but the lack of good taste is what kept many businesses from giving employee's the day off. However, this is much better than his original catchphrase of "...commemorating the presidents who chopped down the cherry tree and freeing the people hanging from them." Yes, Nixon was a bigot. And kind of a prick. This is how he got the nickname "Pricky Dick"

Dickishness aside, here are some simple ways to celebrate Presidents' Day right.

Participate in local celebration - Presidents' day doesn't count until you have visited your local furniture store and bought something that you do not have to pay till Labor day. I mean, that's like, what? Six months away? That is ridiculous, and the kind of thing that our great nation was built on. You owe it to George Washington to buy some of this sweet-ass furniture before it all goes goes goes.
Note: The fact that you do not have to pay till Labor day is not actually a Labor day celebration, as the first Monday of September is also "Futon Remorse day."

Know the history - Ever know two people who are friends, and their birthdays are really close together, so they just throw one big party for both of them? Don't you hate that? It's like "Really? I have to deal with both of your friends of friends who annoy the crap out of me at the same time? And I need two gifts by that day?" Well, that's what Lincoln and Washington did. By knowing this, you know that any gifts you buy this day should be bought begrudgingly and only out of obligation. Also, you will run into people who you only know through other people, and it will be awkward for everyone involved (not because of the combined birthday's, but because the third Monday of February is also "awkward acquaintances day.")

Blasting the Anthems - In honor of our forefathers, go out and buy at least five versions of the national anthem. More importantly, every Presidents' Day must be celebrated by buying the entire discography of The Presidents of the United States of America, listening to it in its entirety, and then destroying all albums in a bonfire so they can be purchased next year. This is the only time where a person can listen to The Presidents of the United States of America and need not feel shame.

Did you know... that Peaches come from a can? They were actually put there by a man, in a factory downtown?

Friday, February 15, 2008

History's Heroes: Major Tom

Known to many as a mere Bowie song, Major Tom is a real person whose contributions to exploring the final frontier transcended the international division constructed during the space race between the USA and the bad guys. The timeline for his contributions are as follows:

October 4, 1957
Major Tom becomes the first man to enter space. By performing the tried and true bait and switch tactic, Major Tom tricks the stupid Reds into launching him into space by disguising himself as the Sputnik satellite. Cosmonauts recorded the satellite as weighing 184 pounds. This is incorrect. The actual satellite weighed closer to 200 pounds; 184 pounds is merely Major Tom’s body weight.

November 3, 1957
A month after Major Tom breaches the final frontier; he again tricks the Reds into launching something into space. This time, his dog.

June 16, 1966
Major Tom creates a new form of math that, despite his best efforts to educate, only he understands. Using a really complicated math equation, Major Tom jumps off his roof and lands on the moon. While employing a similar equation for his return trip, he makes a few mathematical errors. Planning to land on the loveseat in his living room, he actually ends up landing in the recliner located on the other side of the room.

March 19, 1976
Major Tom exposes the moon landing for the hoax it is, by demanding to see Neil Armstrong’s collection of moon rocks. Major Tom was quoted as saying “Where are all your moon rocks? I got tons of moon rocks.” When Armstrong failed to comment, he replied with “What’s that? No moon rocks? You didn’t land on no fucking moon.”

Present day
NASA continues to plan a manned trip to Mars. Despite having been there himself, Major Tom cannot convince them its pretty gay as far as planets go.

Major Tom in complete Sputnik disguise.

Wednesday, February 13, 2008

Way to Wellness: Vitamin Guide

In adolescence, we are told that we need vitamins for our growing bodies to prevent ailments such as rickets and hysterical pregnancy. We as a culture have accepted this need for vitamins blindly, and have ever since only known a life of Flintstone vitamins. There are 150 different vitamins, and a long-fabled 151. In addition, to obtain all possible entries in the VitaDex, you will have to trade with your friends to get vitamins exclusive in the red or blue versions. For those who do not have a link cable, or have no idea what the fuck I'm talking about, here is a quick overview on various, important vitamins.

Vitamin D - If you like calcium, then you want to get your hands on vitamin D. Having vitamin D in your party means you process calcium at a higher rate, leading to much stronger teeth and bones. An easy way to remember this is by simply remembering "vitamin Duck." This is easy to remember, since ducks are well-known for their love for calcium in all forms and their sturdy bone structure. So sturdy, in fact, that engineers make the nearly indestructible black boxes found on airplanes out of duck bones. Vitamin D can be found in fish, egg yolks, vitamin D fortified milk, and Route 24.

Vitamin A - Not only does vitamin A help maintain your skeletal and skin tissue, but it also enhances your ability to see in the dark. This is why vitamin A is more necessary than black clothes and chloroform when it comes to stalking. Vitamin A can also learn HM Flash, but it's not what you think it is. It can be found in dark green vegetables, vitamin A fortified milk, and Viridian City.

Vitamin C - Known for her cover of Pomp and Circumstance that was played at 8th grade graduations across the nation, Vitamin C has seen better days. Despite appearances in High School High and Dracula 2000, she is still very useful with body repair and upkeep. Cuts heal faster when she is around you, and your body will produce collagen at alarming speeds depending on where she is in proximity to you. Also, her hair is orange. Isn't that crazy?! Vitamin C can be found in gas station discount racks, Vitamin C fortified milk, and Mt. Moon.

Vitamin FDR - "The only thing we have to fear is not getting enough of me in your daily supplements." Manufactured during the War, vitamin FDR was a placebo to make people think that they too can fight Nazis, much like the special water given to the team in Space Jam so they can perform just as good as Michael Jordan, when really, they had that ability in them the entire time; they just had to believe in themselves, that's all. Vitamin FDR stole this idea and used it to instill Patriotism into our nation. However, in a gross miscalculation, people who had taken vitamin FDR two times a day for 30 days somehow became paralyzed from the waist down. Vitamin FDR is the opposite of Vitamin C, in that it actually gives you polio. Vitamin FDR can only be found in Safari Zone.
Did you know... that this is your chance, do a dance at the Space Jam? Alright?

Monday, February 11, 2008

How can I stop my kids from doing stuff?

As a parent, you may have noticed your kids do stuff. In fact, most kids spend their lives in a constant state of stuff doing, and frankly, that’s annoying. In a perfect world humans would have evolved from caterpillars and we would spend the years of 7 to 17 shutting the fuck up, encased in a gorgeous silk cocoon stuck to a birch tree far out of the reach of potential predators, only to emerge as handsome young men and women clad in business attire with undergraduate degrees in business and minors in gay and lesbian studies.

Fortunately, parents can force their children into proverbial cocoons by playing the role of an overprotective guardian, forcing your children to fear both doing and stuff.

Restrict language.
Nothing aggravates a parent more than when his or her daughter uses a big word like “astounding” at the dinner table. Make it a house rule that everyone adopts a language system that’s similar to the one in George Orwell’s 1984. Sleep easily knowing “astounding” has been forever replaced with “double plus good” in your home.

Scare the good into them.
Admittedly, it’s really easy to be overprotective when your kids are pretty much afraid of everything. Some parents have done things like take their juvenile children to visit a prison cell to scare them on the path to good behavior. Do one better. Tell them you’re taking them to visit a prison, but leave them at Manson family murder reenactment festival.

Tell your children that the devil has ownership over the things they enjoy.
Let’s say your son really likes Merv Griffin and he gets all uppity after seeing him on TV or hearing that noxious hit of his, “I’ve Got a Lovely Bunch of Coconuts.” Tell your son that Merv Griffin is the devil’s entertainer. This will put an end to all Merv Griffin induced bouts of rowdiness. This will only work provided you’ve done you’re parental duty of showing in explicit detail the power of the devil; if your kid does not have a crippling fear of Satan already, you’ve failed as a parent. Remember, anything your child enjoys can be the devil’s. The devil’s video games, the devil’s VHS of Jurassic Park, the devil’s bible, the list goes on.

Did you know... that Merv Griffin actually is the devil? So by telling your kids that he's the devil's entertainer you're actually further fabricating an endless web of bullshit regarding good and evil that your children will only begin to sort out by the age of 40. Nice!

Thursday, February 7, 2008

How do I do something romantic for Valentines day for cheap?

Love can be a beautiful thing, but it is usually very expensive. Don't be foolish by actually spending money on the woman you love. Instead, take these low-priced ideas for romantic times.

Make her dinner - Get the bitch out of the kitchen for great fun with role reversal! Figure out an easy-to-learn recipe, and sit her down for a nice romantic, candle-lit dinner. For added fun, poke fun at how naturally inept you are at cooking by horribly mangling any recipe you attempt! Use items that do not belong in the recipe for extra fun, like herbs and Drano.

Sing to her - You don't have to be on the same skill level as Michael Bolton in order to make her swoon. Just don't pick songs she likes because if you really butcher it, those songs will be ruined forever for her. And don't pick a song you like, because you don't want to come off as selfish. In fact, just RickRoll her.

Macaroni Necklace - Chicks dig jewelry, but it is expensive. That's why you, a problem solver, can easily craft an eye-catching necklace by using pasta. I made one for my mother one year, and she wore it once, but thought it was so nice that she put it away in the safety deposit box. I'm not sure if yours will be of that quality, but there is always a chance.

Be sexy - Invest in a very cheap pair of satin boxers. If no funds are available or you are just lazy, tie a fancy ribbon around your manly parts. Either that or a single rose nestled in nature's vase.

Chloroform - Give her the night she will never forget, albeit most recollection of it will be hazy and shameful at best.

Wednesday, February 6, 2008

Infogram: Catching up on ABC's Lost

Lost has been critically acclaimed as one of the most engaging shows on television. However, those trying to get into Lost this late in the game may find themselves overwhelmed by over 70 hour long episodes. I have taken the liberty of compiling necessary information on the characters of the show so that you may enjoy the new season without having to make the time commitment to catch up.


Jack possesses innate leadership abilities. The rest of the survivors look to him to solve their problems and he often feels obligated to please everyone. Jack’s high level of devotion to a cause and his ability to take charge comes from serving as the Grand Wizard as the KKK for six consecutive years.


Kate is the female lead and as such, is desperately in love with everything. During season 1, she was expected to find water but instead spent the day making out with a backpack. Her full name is Kate Austen, and although it has never been hinted at, there is a distinct possibility Kate is actually Jane Austen from the future disguised in a pretty lady suit. That notwithstanding, she's still a pretty big ho.


Hurley is the fat one. That’s pretty much it. His fatness not only troubles him, but those around him. In season two, he takes his shirt off and everyone vomits uncontrollably. An unnamed survivor then dies from dehydration because she couldn’t stop puking.


Locke is a middle-aged man with the ability spontaneously generate oranges in his mouth. This ability would prove useful in ensuring everyone on the island has enough Vitamin C, but when a nasty case of scurvy afflicts the survivors he refuses to share any of his oranges because he’s a jaded prick.


Charlie isn’t actually a person, but a bong that can play the guitar.


Claire started the season pretty fat. Not Hurley fat, but she was still pretty big. Then during on episode during season 3, she miraculously loses a ton of weight and finds a baby. Jack, inspired by the found infant, is led to believe there are babies living somewhere on the island and forms an expedition to find the baby colony.


Sawyer is a conman that has every intention of swindling everyone on the island out of their money. Unfortunately, he is not only a crappy conman but money has no value on the island. The other survivors usually humor him by purposely falling for his cons, after which he runs back to his hut giggling.

Monday, February 4, 2008

Travel Guide: The Many Sights of Delaware

Do not rub your eyes in disbelief. Yes, we did do this subject before, but now we will cover it in a brand new way. On the dawn of our 100th post, Mr. Jones and I have grown tired of this non-interactive text mumbo-jumbo. For today, the information of the guide can be digested through the latest of PowerPoint technology, as we test waters and experiment with new-fangled media.

Friday, February 1, 2008

What if I recently found out the meaning behind Soulja Boy's lyrics and wish to explore alternative interaction with my hos aside from supermanning?

Spider-Manning Hos
Wherein you kill a ho’s Uncle Ben and teach her with great power comes great responsibility.

Iron Manning Hos
Wherein you make the ho a powerful arms dealer, international playboy, and a raging alcholic.

Captain America’ing Hos
Wherein you make the ho fight on the Western front during WW2 and then allow her to become frozen in artic waters as a result of a larger than life act of heroism, only to be thawed out some sixty odd years later to act as the front man for the Avengers.

Doctor Strange’ing Hos
Wherein you force a ho into seclusion in the Himalayan mountains until she masters the arcane arts. She also begins to dress like Freddie Mercury if he was trapped in a fortune telling machine.Angelina Jolie'ing Hos
Wherein you punch a ho in the face causing her lips to swell to a cartoonish size, making her an otherwise extremely attractive woman save for her fucked up circus lips.