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Monday, December 31, 2007

Travel Guide: Stonehenge

The purpose of Stonehenge is widely unknown, although many scholars speculate it was home to various ancient religious rituals. In all actuality, Stonehenge was built in 1910 by an anonymous monocled plutocrat. The plutocrat constructed the landmark on the wager that he couldn’t convince an entire populous that a pile of freshly carved rectangular rocks dated back to prehistoric times. Located 13 miles north of the city of Salisbury, the heist was easily pulled because the good people of Salisbury had yet to discover the concept of North. After a staged moment and discovery and plenty of media coverage, the Englishman won his wager. Under the typical rules of an English wager, his opponent had to go to work the next day wearing a dress.

Did you know... that the people of Salisbury used the same compasses as we do, but believed that the N pointed to the closest nougat reservoir?

Famous Events In Stonehenge History

1908: Construction of Stonehenge begins

1909: The workers employed to construct Stonehenge have a moment of regret as they find out “big rocks are heavy.”

1910: Stonehenge is completed

1912: Winston Churchill feels up his prom date under one of the massive stones.

1928: A deer is seen by Stonehenge. Scientists then predict that a deer constructed Stonehenge.

1930: Winston Churchill feels up a waitress under one of the massive stones.

1939: Hitler demands that the English government surrender Stonehenge to Germany. Churchill, fearful of losing his fabled “feel up” spot, says “No dice, Hitler.”

1941: Winston Churchill feels up President Franklin Delano Roosevelt under one of the massive stones.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

How do I tell the fate of the rider when looking at statues of war generals riding horses?

Under law punishable by death, all horse statues featuring war generals must adhere to a strict code as the fate of the rider can be determined through how many hooves a horse has on the ground in the sculpture.

Four legs on the ground
This means that the war general has been in battle, but was not impressed with it. He realized he could die at any second, but nothing cool happened to fill that time. He was sent home after the war was over without any interesting war stories, and became a disappointment to his immediate family.

One leg in the air
The war general on this horse is most likely tepid in nature, and unsure of himself in comparison to other war generals. Once he finds something he is passionate about, like say the burning of Atlanta, he will attach himself to it until it gets done. Though he is a go-getter in spurts, he is consistently a devil in the sack.

Two Legs in the air
While having two legs in the air is considered trampish in most social circles, it is not the same in the majestic world of horse-statues, as having two legs in the air means that the war general loved to fuck. Wait, I screwed that up. In any case, two hoofers are social beings who love the night life. These war generals are party animals by heart, but if they met the right person, would be more than willing to toss his old life aside to start something new. Also, they are very messy by nature.

Three Legs in the air
This war general will admit he's made mistakes. There are times where he knows he should have called you and times where he should have stayed home with you instead of going out with the guys. He's really sorry, and you know he's sorry. Why not just give him another chance. Ok, whatever. It's not like you were perfect or anything. Oh don't pull that bullshit with me. I know all about Chad. You think I'm that oblivious? Well, don't think there weren't other women. Talk to Stephanie. Maybe you can take some pointers.

Four Legs in the air
After the epic Jupiter War ended in 2070, war generals are commemorated by being sculpted on their hover-horse. As you can expect, these men are very distant to other people, and are often forever lost in a haze that the war has thrown them into. No one told them what they would be fighting, though they would have appreciated a heads-up that the giant ant monsters could morph their face into those of the generals' mothers, kids, and first times.

Tuesday, December 25, 2007

How do I effectively draft my fantasy WNBA team?

Basketball, huh? Uh, okay. When you’re drafting your team, think about picking good players and not bad ones. That should give you the edge over people who picked bad players. A very common mistake.

Your offense should be like a game of Missile Command. Or Pac-Man. Or Galaga. Or Asteroids. Or Centipede. Or Dig-Dug. Or Burgertime What I’m trying to say is that your offense should get as many points as possible.

Your defense on the other hand, should play like golf. Or Uno. Or another game where less points is good.

Defense is twice as important as offense. No, wait. Three time as important. Fuck, hold on. Scratch all of that. They’re both equally as important, but twice their original value in importance.

You have to think about the dynamic nature of the game. During a basketball season in high school, I once made out with this Courtney girl while we were sitting in the bleachers watching the game. Think about that and adjust your game plan accordingly. Game plan… people say that, right?

Also, think about the fantasy elements. Trolls are a good choice unless you think the other team is going to utilize fire. Centaurs, although possessing twice the amount of legs as normal humanoids, are poor dribblers. Also, try to get Charles Barkley. That guy, like, eats people. His younger brother, Gnarls, is also a strong pick.

Uh… what else…oh! An adapting team is a winning- wait. Hold the fucking phone. WNBA? What does the W stand for? No fucking way. I thought the WNBA was that sport the guy who owns wrestling made. Oh, fuck. That was the XFL wasn’t it? That’s still around, right? You’re fucking shitting me. Personally, I never watched a game but it sounded pretty awesome.

Sunday, December 23, 2007

Christmas Traditions Explained Further

We all know that there is one God that created us out of his magical God Clay and gave us life to show us his love and his obligation to create us. As humans, we are not creative, and could not come up with our own unique way to show love and obligation. Therefore, people give gifts to other people to show either their love, or their obligation.

Santa and all Santa spin-offs including magic sleds, hats, reindeer, and elves or other diminutive people are all the intellectual property of the Coca-Cola corporation. The man behind the invention of such an elaborate ad campaign, Woolfolk Walker, stated that Christmas was big enough for another God. This became blatant when Coke started selling "The New Coke," which featured God Clay extract as a prominent ingredient. This ended up failing as a commercial venture, due to it's poor taste and class-action lawsuits against Coke, as they were responsible for many people turning into trees.

Television Specials
Media analysts in the 1960s, assuming that free-will and the prophetic rise to power of the poncho would have wiped out most of our television networks by the 198os, suggested that stations recorded several cheap seasonal specials to lurer audiences back in with cozy and easy viewing. Luckily, these specials have become a staple in our cultural fabric, and the poncho has been subdued... for now...?

When 1983 rolled around, television was far from wiped out. With that being said, the poncho threat was still very real and compromises between NBC and the poncho separatists were made. The character Ponch on CHiPs was that compromise.

This does not have any religious or corporate roots. the origin of mistletoe can be traced back to the year 1953, at the house at 164 Clydesdale Road in Salvna, Ohio, where a very lonely man was trying to work his magic with a semi-attractive Jehovah's Witness. While this is the source of the "kiss" tradition we know of today, what was omitted after that encounter was the infamous "reach-a-round clause."

Friday, December 21, 2007

Christmas Traditions Explained

The Christmas Tree
As we’re all aware, people are made of clay that God has generously chosen to breathe life into. But what happens if God, mad with love, breathes life into a person who has already made the transformation from clay? Does that person revert back to his/her clay-state? No. That person turns into a tree. We put Christmas trees in our living rooms to honor our fellow man who have been condemned to live life as a tree because God was simply too generous with the gift of life.

Decorating The Christmas Tree
By using flamboyant garland and gaudy ornaments to decorate trees, we only not honor our fellow man, but our fellow gay man.

Aron Eisenberg, a television actor, created eggnog one lonely night when he became infuriated that there wasn’t a commercial drink that contained both eggs and nutmeg. The name came from Eisenberg’s character Nog on the television series Star Trek: Deep Space Nine. The significance of the tradition stems simply from the fact that both Eisenberg and his TV personality Nog possess an incalculable amount of Christmas spirit.

Did you know... That Nog can say Merry Christmas in 95 different languages

The act of going door to door singing songs isn’t so much a Christmas tradition as it is a continuation of Halloween. Children would use their shrill, piercing harpy-voices to punish the households they felt shortchanged them on candy that year. If it was any other time of the year, vandalism would be the better option; however moral trespasses during December is an action God punishes with a breathe of life. The children, fearful of a boring fate as a tree, disguised their hatred in the form of song.

Wednesday, December 19, 2007

Public Outcry: Space Mountain deaths

The Google Query: "Space Mountain" deaths

Our Interpretation: How many deaths have been claimed by the lovable Disneyland ride Space Mountain?

Our Answer: 26 people have been killed by the ginormous, rocky hands of Space Mountain since it was created to fool Walt Disney into thinking he actually traveled into space. Names have been withheld to show compassion to those who have lost loved ones in one of the happiest landform/outer-space rides in America. We will only be looking at by-the-number statistics.

2 of the deaths were the result of pre-existing health issues. While one person had a bum ticker and had a heart attack on the ride, the other person exploded because of the over-abundance of fun he was having, despite knowing that his body could not possible contain all of that excitement.

4 of the deaths were due to not following the directions as seen on the plentiful television screens while waiting in line, and as heard on the loud speaker every five minutes. These accidents often ended in decapitation, seizures, impalings, musical suicide, and hysterical pregnancy.

5 of the deaths were actually only assisted by Space Mountain, as a drunk Dick Dale did most of the damage. After recording his renown surf music for Space Mountain, he became an assistant on the ride, getting people to follow the line and helping people into their seats. He did this for a month until he heard a kid getting off the ride bad mouth the surf music that played throughout Space Mountain. Dale, with his spirits crushed, spent the night drinking heavily and publicly urinating on various rides at Disneyland (The Teacups were his favorite.) The next day at work, he threw a FedEx truck at a family of tourists. He was fired four days later.

4 of the first riders of Space Mountain died of asphyxiation . When it originally opened, the imagineers tried to make it as much like space as humanly possible, but had one small oversight: People need oxygen, and space does not have oxygen. In order to combat this, they set it to music. This failed, and Space Mountain was closed for another three weeks.

of the deaths are from diabetes

of the deaths were actual caused just by thinking of going to space mountain. Scientists have found that just saying the phrase "Space Mountain" will cause a very small fraction of people to burst small blood vessels in their brain. This has been explained with the fact that in the afterlife, Walt Disney has realized he was never in space at all, and has hexxed the phrase "Space Mountain" in order to slowly inform people that it will not actually launch you into space. Disney, the company not the dead guy, is fully aware of this problem, but they refuse to cave into Disney's commands, the dead guy not the company, of putting a disclaimer in the entrance of the ride, stating that it does not actually blast you into space.

Monday, December 17, 2007

Guy's Gift Guide for Girls: 2007 Holiday Season

If you're trying to find the perfect gift for the special woman in your life, it's very important to weigh your options carefully. Fortunately, for your pleasure, I have a comparison that will provide the answers to everyone's questions this holiday season:

A Commodore 64 or a USB vibrator?

Commodore 64

  • Plays Jetpac
  • 16 colors, including blue!
  • Stylish way to manage your fiances
  • Great for street cred
  • Can be used as a vibrator in a pinch

  • May make her dad say something like "I remember these..." and tell a long story no one cares about
  • Additional RAM costs extra; minimal performance boost not worth the price

USB Vibrator

  • Additional RAM is one of three power settings, including "Plug and Play" and "Bone-fuck."
  • Five distinct and detachable heads, including "The Gentlemen," "The Windswept Scotsman," "The Oil Tycoon," "Watercolor Lily Pads," and "Carlos, the diminutive mechanic."
  • Batteries not needed
  • May make her mom say something like "I remember..." and tell a story everyone cares about
  • Cannot be used as a Commodore 64 in a pinch

Thursday, December 13, 2007

Etiquette Excellence: At the movies

Going to a movie theater can be a magical experience, but it can turn deadly if you do not know the unspoken rules of theater etiquette. Here is a brief rundown of what you ought to know.

Get there early - Movie companies place trailers in front of the movie so you can learn about upcoming films. It seems ridiculous for you to come in late and miss this opportunity to watch a minute and a half clip-show of an upcoming film, which you can talk about with your friends about more than the movie itself. I advise getting to the theater at least 2 hours before show time. This way you will not miss a thing, and it will give you time to talk to people about the possible trailers that might be shown before the film you paid to see.

Stock pile - If you eat while watching a movie, make sure you have everything you need before you settle in your seat. Getting up during the movie is one of the worst distractions to people around you, and also shows them where your priorities are: You are willing to pay four more dollars for popcorn and miss six minutes of a movie you paid 10 dollars for. To get around this, buy everything, but with caution. Remember that you shouldn't bring in what you can't hold in for the duration of the movie. If not, bedpans and colostomy bags will do.

Cell phones - Technology can turn against you if you do not heed this warning. Everyone is more or less quiet in the theater, but their focus can drift from time to time. Stop this boredom before it starts. By leaving your phone on, it enables you the perfect time to show off your new ringtone of "It's Not Unusual" by Tom Jones. When people see movies, they don't care about the actual movie, they just want something to tell their family and friends. If you have a memorable ringtone, you will no doubt be part of that story. The imagined dialog of one of your fellow moviegoers:

Yea, M. Night Shyamalan's Big Momma's Golden Rush Hour 5: The Dragon Wars was pretty good, but there was this douchefag there who had Tom Jones as a ringtone. I came so close to just punching their face in.

It seems like this person is out for your blood. Au contraire, as you have effectively given them another distraction from enjoying the movie they came to watch while eating theater food and talking about trailers. Though all the people yelling at you may seem peeved, they are actually thanking you from the bottom of their buttered-soaked bucket.

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

Dream Analysis 2

From the dream journal of Leon Firestone dated December 12, 2007:

I dreamt I was standing on my driveway. It was really foggy so I couldn’t see very far in any direction. Fortunately, a lighthouse was located a few blocks over, so once in a while the fog was penetrated thanks to a blinding, rotating light. On one particular rotation, I saw the silhouette of a large man on a horse coming towards me through the fog. Eventually, the horse meandered through the fog into plan view, but what was seated on the horse was not a large man, but a small flat faced bear! And you were there! And you were there! And you were there! And even you were there!

Analysis: This seems pretty straightforward. Leon clearly is looking for a man to enter his life through the fog that is his confused sexuality. Not just any man, mind you, but a hairy manly bear of a man.

Horse is also the street name for heroine. I think it’s safe to say based on this connection Leon could definitely give me the hook up.

As for the “And you were there!” stuff, I got nothing. I mean he’s writing this in a journal. Specifically, a journal no one else reads but myself for the purpose of science. I don’t know what it means, but I do know that’s some lonely fucking shit right there.

Bottom line: Probably gay with some lonely fucking shit.

Monday, December 10, 2007

Public Outcry: [How do I make my own] DIY Survival Box [?]

The DIY survival box is something that everyone should keep on their persons at all time. Not only in case of emergency mind you, because this is the Survival Guide to Everyday Life (dot) BlogSpot (dot) Com. You might need the contents of the box at any point during your waking and sleeping hours. This box will save you if you're in danger, endanger you if you want to be saved, making waits less boring if you are in line, make situations more awkward if that is what you are into, and so much more. But enough chatter, you need to learn what to put into a box to make it a survival box.

Bottled water - For hydration.

Canned meat
- For food.

Silly putty
- For pipes and plumbing.

3 tubes of wrapping paper
- For impromptu present wrapping and mummy-making.

Can of Mug root beer - For its rich taste.

Pillow - For sleeping on the go and fighting.

A bowling ball with a skull in it
- Like in Mystery Men. That movie was pretty cool.

Bag of urine - For surprise drug tests.

- For getting shoes off with great ease.

First-aid kit - For rubbing alcohol and mummy-making.

14 carat ring w/ diamond - For emergency proposals.

Deep Impact on DVD
- I like it.

Three-pack of condoms - For pipes and plumbing.

Sharpie marker - For drawing wangs on public property.

Tube of tennis balls - Good icebreaker.

Full three button suit - Gotta look sharp.

Atari 2600 - Everybody loves Atari.

"Happy Days" board game
- For pipes, plumbing and tips on how to be cool.

Leather-bound edition of Ayn Rand's Atlas Shrugged - For looking cultured.

Nyquil - For emergency proposals.

Keep these around, and you'll be unstoppable.

Friday, December 7, 2007

How do I analyze dreams?

It has come to my attention that dream analysis is one field I am not well versed in. In order to advance in this field and better answer this question, I have been making my associate, Leon Firestone, keep a dream journal for purpose of my analysis.

Yeah? These things? Don't catch shit.

For the date of December 7th, 2007, it read as follows:

“I dreamt I was a mermaid. But not any mermaid, I was a mermaid film producer. The only thing is I didn’t know anything about the movie biz, so I would make excursions to the surface and steal film reels from the humans and claim them as my own. I became pretty wealthy, but I wanted more. I needed to find an incredibly high-grossing film reel on the surface and bring it back to Mermadia and hit it big. In an abandoned office, I found a reel for Titanic along with box-office documentation of its success. With high hopes and dollar signs in my eyes, I returned underwater. The film tanked and I lost everything because the mermaid demographic had trouble connecting with a movie where water kills everyone.”

From this I can tell the movie Titanic meant a lot to Leon and he secretly wants to pursue a career at sea, perhaps as a fisherman.

Accuracy of analysis:
After fact checking, my analysis was only partially accurate. Titanic was in fact important to him. His girlfriend at the time stated “he cried during the movie.” She also added “he was a total pussy.” And he should “grow a pair because he didn’t even know those fucking people on that goddamn boat.” However, the thought of pursuing a career at sea always scared Leon ever since he was young and a fisherman punched his mom in the face when she asked him for directions to the zoo, so they could celebrate Leon’s eighth birthday.

Wednesday, December 5, 2007

How do I compare apples to oranges?

While many people believe that it is fruitless to compare these apples and oranges, anyone can subject them to rigorous testing and observation in order to discern the differences and similarities. As a celebrated orangeologist, I have found that the best way to compare any two fruits is by the use of charts and diagrams. The following are the graphs and charts I've used in many of my presentations at many prestigious colleges and my notable speeches at anti-apple rallies.

Venn Diagram - This is often the best when trying to compare and contrast specific elements of each of these foods. Make overlapping spheres, one labeled "apples," the other one labeled "oranges," and their intersection labeled both. Here is an example, which was made for a speech I gave to the 1997 graduating class of Texas A&M.

Note: The "X" actually stands for doctor's recommended daily dosage of ecstasy

Radar chart - Also known as a spider chart, the radar chart is normally used to contrast two figures by showing how they are different in three or more characteristics. The following graph was from a presentation I gave to a college in Muncie, Indiana, as part of their symposium on the world post-Cold War.

Note: Notice how oranges are more "honest" than "orange".

Oppression-O-Meter - Though it might seem like a simple bar graph, this chart measures the desire of an object or person to oppress different minorities or classes. This type of graph was common during World War II, the Civil Rights movement, and Mel Gibson's career. For this example, we go to a graph that was created as a prop for an editorial I wrote into Highlights Magazine. The same color legend from above applies here:

Note: Oppression-o-meter graphs make it mathematically impossible to love too much. This is largely due to the oppressive nature of math.

Monday, December 3, 2007

How do I write a response to an editorial?

There comes a time in everyone’s life when they find it necessary to lash out at some sort of public persona from the safety of their own home. In the case of an editorialist, follow this template and plug the necessary words in the brackets:

Dear [name of editorialist],

Your recent article in [name of publication] left me very [emotion]. I couldn’t help but think [adverb] about the whole [noun]. I feel you [verb in past tense] the issue at hand in a very [adjective that describes old people] way. Granted, you make a good point for a [type of criminal that ends in “apist”] but I still feel you’re wrong. I find in my own personal experiences [race of people excluding African or Pacific Islander] rarely, if ever [something chosen race of people do a lot]. Your [adjective describing the smell of a burlesque house] opinion is equally unwelcome and [another word that starts with "un"]. You are a [shit head].

[Adverb ending in “ly”] yours,
[Your porn name]