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Friday, October 31, 2008

How do I properly tell ghost stories?

The ghost story is an art that harkens back to the traditional ways in which we told stories, with campfires roaring and our cannibalistic bloodlust for other tribes and families subsided for the day. While campfires have turned into burning log channels, humans still love a good frightening story and the curiosity of tasting human flesh. Delicious, succulent human flesh.

Be a hit at your Halloween party with these helpful, yet spooktacular, hints:

Place a light source right under your face, and wait for the scares to happen! Evidently, this will scare people. This actually comes from a psychological experiment where subjects were put into a room and looked at other people in perfect light, then the lights were turned off and subjects were given flashlights. When the lights were turned off, people were completely and utterly frightened about what was going on and what that gnawing sound was. It is believed that the selective light made them completely frightened, and not the panther they released when the lights went off.

Voice of horror
I'm the first one to admit that I am not a good coach, but just imitate my voice.
"Good EEEEEEEVennnIIIINNNG! Are yoooooooou READY for a SCAaaaaaaare?!* This Ssssssssssssssssssssssstory of Woe?! There was CHILD whoooooooo..."

I think that's a good representative sample. Just go with that.

*this means do this in a W.C. fields voice. Not all of that sentence, but the good parts.

means say this in such a way that comes off sincere, but also like you just killed the goldfish you were suppose to be looking after while your neighbor went on vacation

Italics means just listen to your heart.

Eat one of your listeners
Here me out. Only one of them. This way, people think he's in on the joke. If you go after all of them they'll be like "no, don't eat all of us" but that one guy could just be a really good actor. This is why this advice works best when your friends are really convincing actors. If not, you can find them under city overpasses at night.

Wednesday, October 29, 2008

Elicit Celebrity Habits Of A Chilling Quality or AN OTHERWISE HALLOWEEN-Y NATURE!

It was brought to my attention that Halloween is fast approaching, I felt this strange because Halloween is approaching at a rate no different than any other day because that’s how clocks fucking work.

Nonetheless, I wanted to get into the spirit of things. If tabloids are any reflection on us as a culture (and they certainly are, along with bullfighting and, we have an infatuation with celebrity life. Combined with the end of October’s infatuation with the spooky (a word that rode the short bus if there ever was one), I have been recently motivated to borrow a large sum of money from my associate, Leon Firestone, and travel to Hollywood and discover the following shocking facts about our betters:
  • If you gaze into Zoe Deschanel’s eyes for an extended period of time she tells you how you're ancestors died!If you ask her to stop, she merely continues at a higher volume!
  • Cuban Gooding Jr. targets and slays curvacious baristas and keeps their bodies in a Smart Car at an indeterminate location!
  • Jeffery Katzenberg, CEO of DreamWorks animation, had a son that died at space camp. This is why the DreamWorks logo depicts a ghost boy haunting the moon! Why he is fishing is unknown.

Perhaps he is fishing for the life that never came to fruition?

  • Steven Spielberg has a horrible secret and it is as follows: his love is real. But he is not.
  • Christopher Lloyd has a little known record of starting fires in high rises and waiting at the bottom of fire escapes with mouth agape, trapping his victims not unlike a Venus flytrap!
  • Halle Berry is a frequent rider of public transportation despite owning countless sports cars because she likes being reconized on the bus!

Monday, October 27, 2008

Bullshit or bulltruth: cold remedies

Colds are a natural way the body keeps your ego in check by leaving you annoyed by sniffling and coughing, but is not contagious enough to warrant sick days. These days often leave you looking disheveled, you feel out of place, and nothing seems to click like it use to. You are right to assuming that this is just like getting blazed for 5 days straight, only imagine also being covered in your own mucus and getting your face kicked in. So in this case, it's like that one time I got blazed for 5 days straight. HOWEVER(!), you need not worry about your bloodied, mucus covered face no more, as here are some cold remedies that have either passed the test of time, or failed the midterm of duration.

Lots of vitamin C
Verdict: Bulltruth
As we discovered in an earlier post, Vitamin C is a great singer who does wonders for your immune system. Just by listening to her cover of "Pomp and Circumstance" on loop, your body will undergo its recovery process. It is important to note that full recovery comes with listening to the song at least 157 times in one sitting. While this seems manageable, keep in mind that most people only last 3 listens until committing musical suicide. Still, it is a risk you should take. Do it. Do it, pussy.

Bed rest
Verdict: Bullshit-ish
The annual total of bed deaths is rising every year, leaving this myth behind on the times. There might have been a time where this was true, before Americans started making beds that would randomly smother sleepers for nothing more than fun. But these are the times we live in, and beds can just no longer be trusted. Sleep still might be effective in combating colds, so just try to sleep elsewhere. Note that if you sleep in a tree, you are out of the reach of bears. I read that somewhere, so you can apply that to your current predicament. You can also try sleeping on the ground, but beware of the possible repercussions.

Yaks blood
Verdict: Bulltruth
As expected, drinking the daily recommended supply of yaks blood that doctors have been pushing for the past 50 years does wonders for your body. Not only will it cure your cold, but embiggen your muscles and immediately melt any tumors you have in your body and turn them into ice cream.

Friday, October 24, 2008

Sweetest Day Explained

Sweetest Day has come and gone and much like Boxing Day, Memorial Day, The Day of the Dead, Bastille Day, Yom Kippur, and Walter Payton’s Birthday, no one really knows where Sweetest Day came from or how to celebrate it. Personally, I thought it had something to do with diabetes awareness until my associate, Leon Firestone, pointed out it’s a hallmark holiday that’s pretty much like Valentine’s Day. Skeptical, I demanded evidence. He then pointed to a collection of Sweetest Day flowers arranged at the front of Dominick’s. I did not feel this was a compelling argument because people with diabetes can enjoy receiving flowers as much as the next person. Needless to say, I am willing to entertain the thought that Sweetest Day has the purposes of honoring loved ones even though it’s obvious that Leon Firestone hates people with diabetes, something him and I do not see eye to eye on.

The question still remains: how does one celebrate Sweetest Day? Insofar as I can tell, the process goes as follows.

Step 1: Find a loved one.
Take some time out of your day and think about someone you really love. When you think you’ve decided, spend some extra time with that person. Remember: loved one doesn’t mean a boyfriend/girlfriend thing. It can be a member of your family. This should bring you to step 2.

Step 2: Realize that loved one is kind of lame.
What the hell were you thinking? I know I said it’s cool to pick a family member but I was just trying to make you feel better. What if you picked your mom for Sweetest Day and your best friend picked a supermodel he met on the El and they have tons of crazy awesome sex because of it? You would feel so lame. I would be ashamed to be your best friend at that point. If I was your best friend and you picked your mom for Sweetest Day, I would take your number out of my cell phone so fast it would make your head spin. Not like I’d need friends at that point anyway, because of all the crazy awesome sex with a supermodel would fill the void left by friendship.

Step 3: Drink lots of whiskey and drunk dial an old love interest.
Alcohol makes you charming. That’s a scientific fact. So by that logic, lots of alcohol would make you so charming that an ex-lover would be willing to forget about the time you made out with her sister because they look the exact same from behind. She had a very mature body for a 15-year old, alright? It was an honest mistake. These things happen.

Step 4: Agree to meet them at a location.
Make sure you pick a place you are both familiar with. Like near the dumpster where, hypothetically speaking, she tried to stab you with a switch comb after you made out with her mom because she also looked very similar from behind. I think it’s a genetic thing. I can’t be blamed for being fooled by genetics.

Step 5: Give that person lots of candy.
Straightforward enough. Although word of warning: if that person actually does have diabetes, this can be construed as a hostile action. If that’s the case and you accidentally offend the person, don’t worry. I find that making out with a person’s aunt at Thanksgiving does a pretty good job of burying the hatchet for these kind of things.

Wednesday, October 22, 2008

Famous Killing Machines: Jules Sylvester

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle

Humble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!

The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY

Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.

In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"

May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.

His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.

The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.

This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.

Monday, October 20, 2008

Historic Failures: The Pony Express

For as long as there have been horses, there have been people demanding horses delivered to their door. Even though horses have been domesticated since about 3000 B.C. when man discovered the scientific break-through of punching horses in the head until they do what you want them to, it wasn’t until 1860 and the Pony Express that the world saw its very first horse delivery service.

President James K. Polk was upset with the fact it took him about six months for him to have a horse delivered to the far west. Like any self-respecting man, Polk wanted his horses sent places in a timely fashion. Towards the end of his presidency, he began to divert tax money to a secret project that would eventually give the world the Pony Express.

Unfortunately for Polk (and tax payers nationwide), the project would turn out to bear bitter fruits. Bitter, horse-killing fruits.

A nameless scientist who worked on Polk’s project had the following to say on the methodology of the Pony Express:

"Horses are pretty fast, right? What if we tied one horse to another horse and made it run real fast to the desired location. That’d be pretty cool. We’d have to tie the horses real tight because horses are pretty heavy, but I think there’s some real potential here. I mean, I don’t know about you, but my brother can tie a real good knot. Mmhmm."

Ultimately, the Pony Express was a failure. Unless of course you consider pairs of bonded horses tumbling down creeks and ravines so they land in broken heaps and unable to graze because of grievous injuries that would eventually lead to either starvation or death at the hands of elements to be successful. In that case, it was very successful.

How the hell where the horses supposed to know where to go? Come the fuck on.

Friday, October 17, 2008

Haunted History: The Little Rascals Curse

It is common knowledge that child actors have had the most fruitful, successful lives. Beaver of "Leave it to Beaver" fame lived on a giant mountain of money and naked women, and owned half of India before he died while bravely fighting in Vietnam from overdose. Shirley Temple has been largely successful in her post-childhood career, and is now the number one hostess of high-class crystal meth parties found in most homeless shelters. Even the kid from Jerry McGuire earned his life of privilege and has since amassed a fortune, alternating through experiments and pimping. The Little Rascals were not so fortunate. Instead, each of the little rapscallions has met a most unfortunate death, as the Hollywood fate machine chewed them up like a bunch of beef jerky soaked in a fine red wine. In no specific order, here are the destinies that Little Rascal actors found after living life in the fast lane.

In a drug deal gone astray, he died at age 29 accidentally from a mishandled switchblade which he meant to stab into other people!

Chubby's incredibly overweight body was due to a glandular problem he had at birth. He died at his home from pneumonia, because when he use to lay around at home and watch TV all day, he would actually lay AROUND THE HOME and watch TV all day! Daaaaaaaaaaaaaaamn!

Died of R.Y.N.N.U.I.S.P.D.W.B. (Running Through a Neighborhood Naked Under the Influence of Several Powerful Drugs While Black!)

Darla Hood
She once got her car broken into. It was really scary, but they only took road maps for some reason. Either way, you have to admit it is unsettling!

Started his own karate dojo in the suburbs of New York, but when it came time for a demonstration for new students and their ever-so-hot mothers, he could never break both planks of wood with a single chop!

Wanted to swim with sharks once, but he had a condition that made his heart explode upon thinking that!

Mickey Daniels

Lives a relatively normal life... but his son has downs syndrome!

Scott Beckett
Became a carnie, but only with moderate success!

Found with a tranny and suitcase of blow at a child's birthday party he was entertaining.

Pete the Pup
Tried to run for president, assassinated

The only one to escape the clutches of Little Rascals fate, Robert Blake went on to star in Hell Town, where he was a small town preacher with you teachers morality through the works of apositles Smith and Wesson. Nothing bad has ever happened to him.

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

The Works of Sigmund Freud Explained

Sigmund Freud is more or less the father of modern psychology. Not only that, but he was a trailblazer in an effort that tried to explain modern human sexuality. Arguably (and everything here at the Guide is arguable), his three essays on sexuality are perhaps his most important works.

However, these essays are pretty self-explanatory and really do not need to be explained. When he talks about anal retention in children it’s pretty self-explanatory: kids like to hold their shit in until they take massive dumps. That’s like psychology and childhood education 101. Huge dumps is one of the wonders of childhood; it’s like the Easter Bunny or Holy Communion.

What does need explaining is Freud’s other works. The ones no one talks about. While he was writing extensive literature on the human mind, Freud also wrote a lot of things people didn’t understand.

In 1901 Freud wrote a short novella about a man that gets turned into a gay cockroach. Interestingly enough, only fifteen years later Franz Kafka wrote The Metamorphosis which was had a very similar premise except it didn’t involve a gay cockroach. Needless to say, Kafka’s book caught on whereas Freud’s book only became popular with fans of a very small homoerotic insect niche. In art (and Freud championed that this was very much art) when one asks “why?” one actually asks “what effect does this have?” In this case, Freud was trying to capture the struggles of the homosexual identity. Also, he really liked gay bugs.

He also had a rough draft for a fourth essay on sexuality titled “The Problem with Bitches.” The essay was divided into three parts, which were titled ‘Bitches Think They Know Me,” “But The Bitches Don’t Know Me,” and “You Hear That Bitches? You Don’t Know Shit.” Historians and psychologists alike have tried to find meaning in this unpublished work but the explanation is simple: Freud had lady troubles. And he probably had lady troubles because he referred to women as bitches.

Freud was also notorious for archiving all his shopping lists probably as a result of OCD. What is not understood about these shopping lists is that Freud would always write “balls” on every list and underline it twice. Although some weird emasculating mental condition where Freud felt he needed to constantly buy his manhood every week is possible, I think Freud just had the sense of humor of a 12-year old. Because, you know what? Balls are pretty funny.

Sunday, October 12, 2008

2 Minute Biography: Thomas Kinkade

Thomas Kinkade, "Master of Light," is encountered when making a pass through the Thonston village on the third disc of the game. Upon leaving for Belsgar Castle, your party will encounter Thomas Kinkade hustling a kiosk worker for protection money. Dactus (default name of main character, but I personally named him Bucket,) and his party (who I named FancyPants, Mr. T, and Vaginamite) try to step in, but did not realize that it was Thomas Kinkade disguised as a human. Upon confrontation, Kinkade grows to is usual 13 foot tall proportions with proficiencies in wind and holy attacks.

Before this fight, make you stock up on some soft, because Thomas Kinkade will turn someone into stone after every attack. I had Vaginamite on healing the entire battle, with FancyPants nuking and Mr. T as a tank. Make sure you arrange your materia to reflect these, and also Kinkade's weaknesses. To fight against wind, use demi or grav. To fight holy, equip logic.

Review: Try filling out this weakness chart by memory! Hint... Autism cuts like diamonds.

When you see the lens flare, that means Thomas Kinkade will do his powerful Sun Beam attack during his next turn. When Thomas Kinkade is below 200 HP, he will use his scorpion tail for a poison attack. For some reason, the poison is too powerful and cannot be cured by antidote, and will only go over when you pick up Kinkade's Elixir after it is dropped in battle, along with 377 gil and a ATK+3 painting of a snowy mainstreet in small-town U.S.A.

Thursday, October 9, 2008

How do I kill vampires?

Based on the widespread popularity of Stephanie Meyer’s Twilight, a crippling fear of vampires and the teen section of the bookstore are becoming more commonplace. Unfortunately, mustering up the courage to walk through the teen literature section is a journey someone must make on their own. On the plus side, the graphic novel and comic section are usually not far away.

Vampires, on the other hand, are another story.

For reasons not completely understood to me, vampires have a very strong sex appeal for some people. As a result, it seems only a natural course of action to destroy them whenever possible. Some guys have enough trouble getting laid without undead ladymen with new wave haircuts getting in the way.

Don’t use crosses.
Look. Ain’t nobody afraid of a motherfucking cross, especially vampires. If anything, vampires are less afraid of them because they’re so badass. I don’t know where the cross thing started, but let’s just put something into perspective: if vampires were weak to a pair of perpendicular lines they’d never bite anybody.

Or garlic.
Okay, sure, maybe a few very specific vampires have a food allergy but the chances are stacked against you. We’re killing vampires so we can get laid here and no one’s going to want to talk to you if smell like garlic, anyway.

Holy water also doesn’t work.
Holy water doesn’t really have much use beyond making babies cry in the middle of church when they get baptized. Using this logic, it might make baby vampires cry. You don’t want to make them cry so much as you want to stop them from growing up into super seductive dudes so just toss it in a garbage bag and throw it in a river instead.

It doesn’t even matter if you bury them at a crossroads.
If they’re dead, they’re dead. It doesn’t matter where you bury them. Too bad they won’t be dead because they’ll be too busy banging all the hotties while we try stuff that doesn’t work. Goddammit. Who thinks of this shit?

We are so screwed.

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

D.I.Y. Time: How do I make arts?

Since there has been man, there has been art. Cavemen created their arts by using rocks and clay to draw on walls, and later used those same rocks to kill other cavemen or sabretooth tigers. Being turbulent times for both visual communication and bloodlust, several historians refer to this period as the "Holy Shit" period. Their justification: when was the last time you ever saw someone kill somebody with a paint brush or colored pencils? How about killing a sabretooth tiger with brushes and pencils? Since the "Holy Shit" period, art has gotten much less manly, but is still practiced today by both professional artists and people who have yet to let their dream die. Art is a broad subject to sum up in one definition, but for the sake of this entry, art is "anything that would look good above the fireplace of the Survival Guide office, right next to the wax replica of Muhammad Ali's head mounted on the wall. (he knows why)."

Find a muse
A muse could be anything that inspires you to make arts. This could be a person you admire, a setting you really enjoy, or a sandwich that you are craving at the moment. This muse is important in your art creation, because they will passively influence you on what you create. Just make sure they influence you in the right way. If your muse starts directing you into painting flowers, find a new muse that has a more developed taste.

Choose your medium
While ideally your muse should determine everything else, seriously, what do they know? You still have to call some of the shots around there. Decide whether you are doing a sculpture, a painting, a pencil-sketch, an audio-visual installation, post-modern art, found art, sandwich art, car art, graffiti, or anything else that comes to your mind. However, keep in mind that the shelf above the fireplace is 6 inches by 3 feet, so don't go too artsy. Also, the wall above the fireplace is kind of weak, so if you have something that needs to hang there, try not to make it too big. If you could, make sure it matches the wooden finish on the wall.

I'm really hungry
Maybe I do not fully understand what you arters do, but could you possibly just make me something to eat instead? Like, I have money for it and everything, and you could go to town on arranging condiments and toppings in fancy ways, I just want food. Well, you can also make something for the mantle, too. That'd be good. Sorry, side-tracked. Right. Art.

Don't finish till you are content
From what I hear, it is important not to rush art. Arts are very natural things that must be coaxed out of you and put onto a canvas. Keep this in mind when everyone is yelling at you to finish something or make something. This covers a lot of things beyond art, like making sandwiches. People do not understand that it takes time in order to create something like that. However, there are exceptions to this rule. For instance, you.

As you notice, I didn't cover how to draw or paint or actually be an artist. This is merely a summary of steps to take when creating a piece of art. Your skills all depend on you, your upbringing, and your genes. Even if you are not the best artist, that gaping, undecorated hole above the fire place needs ornamentation. So still send in some arts that I could appraise. If not, just send in some McDonalds Fun Money.

Monday, October 6, 2008

Which Erectile Dysfunction solution is right for me?

Picking out medication for your erectile dysfunction is a lot like picking out a fancy sports car during your mid-life crisis: you have to find just the right one that communicates just the right message. After all, a raging erection and a Ferrari both say “Hey, check this shit out.” Coincidentally, ED (medical shorthand for Erectile Dysfunction) usually happens around the time of a mid-life crisis. As if suicide didn’t already look appealing, BT (medical shorthand for Boner Trouble) adds another level of frustration.

So gentlemen, you’ve been wondering which medication is right for you. Hell, the following information will make a handy buying guide for the ladies who are shopping for their man with WW (medical shorthand for Woody Worries).

A fine choice for the festive man. Not only does it allow you perform but extended use allows a man to ejaculate confetti. Now I don’t want to make any claims I can’t back up, but I think we can all agree Levitra has potential to make you the life of any New Years party. Imagine yourself hunched over in the living room as your friends and loved ones cheer you as they count down the seconds to the New Year. Need I say more?

It gives you a boner, which is pretty much the point. There’s also guy with a sombrero on the box cover and he looks like he’s enjoying himself. Take a page out of his book: smile! People with weird aversions to taking medication that depecits typical Mexican headwear should look elsewhere.

Getting your dick bit by a rattlesnake
Not as dangerous as you’d think. And it’s not like you’d be sticking your dick by a rattlesnake without anti-venom. The size increase is not only substantial, a purple hue is not uncommon. Perfect for the man with DP (medical shorthand for Dick Problems) who also wants to show his woman that he is not to be fucked with. After seeing a rattlesnake strike viciously on the naughty bits of her lover, she’ll think twice about dumping you.

Absolutely great for putting in Pez dispensers and handing out to kids on playground.

Rejoyn’s Vacuum Therapy System
It’s a penis vacuum, okay? I don’t why it works, but it does. Although pretty expensive ($159 for the manual model and $189 for the automatic) it’s an alternative that doesn’t involve actual medicine, which makes it great for Christian Scientists. However, it can lead to PFCIVS (medical shorthand for Penis Fucking Caught In a Vacuum Syndrome).

Friday, October 3, 2008

Studious Studenting: Lesser-known MLA rules

The MLA essay format is a mighty beast that must be slain by college freshmen in order for them to advance to Com-102. However, the ins and outs of such a format are forgotten from research paper to research paper, causing writers to flip through guidebooks and various Google searches for valuable citation information. While any book on the subject will feature the same general information, there are some topics that some citation guides just do not cover. This is why The Survival Guide is your one-stop place for obscure citation needs.

A billboard advertisement: Company name, date scene on billboard, coordinates of billboard.

A video game: Publisher, developer, name of game, year difficulty it was played on, the one part you thought was most aggravating.

An anime: Director, title, year, amount of robots X by tentacles

Things said by a friend who talking to you in secrecy: Person, date of conversation, how juicy the secret was, the actual secret, everyone you told it to.

Furniture: Make, model number, level of comfort, approx. amount of times sex was had on it.

Something you said before but can't remember exactly: Where you were, who you were with, what they thought of it, an explanation of us having to be there in order to get it.

A really good meal you once had: The Chef, restaurant, various digestion symptoms exhibited, a brief summation of its taste, but has to involve the word "Talon"

Wednesday, October 1, 2008

Advice Jackers: Cosmo’s Sex Advice Column

Sex columns for women always seemed to me like a kind of paradox: males across the world are trying to discover the mysteries of the vagina, while at the same countless women are trying to understand men and their polar opposite genitals, something I call an ungina.

Despite this yearning to understand the other species better, it seems like no advice ever comes to light that puts men and women in perfect harmony.

That is, until today.

What can I do to make him include me with his friends? I’m never include or asked to join when they all hang out.
This one’s easy. Nothing. You can do nothing. I bet you’re one of those girls that keeps talking through movies. God that’s annoying. My advice? Quit talking through movies. It’s not his fault you didn’t know what was going on in Pulp Fiction.

Guys often approach me at bars, and sometimes we really hit it off, but they never ask for my number. What’s my problem?
Let’s, for the sake of argument, say a guy starts hitting on you. He’s at a bar, so he’s probably drinking (which is good for you, because you’re really empty). But imagine this: as the night goes on, and last call draws closer, what if he starts to slow down his drinking? That would mean his blood alchohol level is dropping. Part of me wants to draw a graph to show the direct correlation between intoxication and finding you interesting to talk to but I’m pressed for time and will leave it at this: you’re what we call “drunk fun.” Your little stories about your cats and your “craaaazy ex-boyfriend” are really only engaging if you’ve had a few. It’s like going to see a Jimmy Buffet concert sober; it’s not worth it. But relax, you’re like Jimmy Buffet!

Why hasn’t he changed his MySpace relationship status? Does that mean we should hold off living together?
If there’s one thing that should stop you from moving in with a guy, it should definitely be his MySpace status. But don’t think that could be the only redflag on his page, either. It’s entirely possible he has never even seen some of what he appears on his favorite movie list. Or, even worse, maybe he has never read a Michael Crichton like his MySpace so claims!