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Sunday, September 30, 2007

Public Outcry: September 2007

From the shared desk of Leon Firestone and Mr. Jones,

This is a new segment that we are very excited to share with the world. This is a way for you, the reader, to feel welcome and at home with us, your carnies on this crazy and poorly constructed tilt-a-whirl we call life. We are opening our ears to your woes, but you will have to be creative with how you present your problem to us. There are four simple steps in order to have us see your query:

1. Have a problem that can only be solved by us - This can cover all bases, but we want something sincere. We want real problems. Don't ask us "How do I dupe old people into giving me road head?" That is something you should figure out on your own.

2. Write said problem into Google™ - Write your statement into Google search, and push enter.

3. This is where your creativity comes in. If anyone finds our site through Google search, we can see what "keywords" they searched with in order to get to our site. Therefore, any question you search in Google™ must have our site as a result. This can be done by including words we use a lot in our entries, or by asking for further knowledge in topics we already covered. Make sure you click the link to our site, or we will not get your question, and therefore, will go unanswered while you wallow away in self pity.

4. Wait for the next edition of Public Outcry - We will try to do it at the end of the month, depending on how the weekly publication cycle works.

Did you know... that push button education is here, but only takes a few more button pushes and a search engine?

Confused? Here are three results we got from people eager for us to answer their questions. Again, these are all retrieved from search engines, and the phrases they have searched for have lead them to the beacon of clarity and virtue that is the Survival Guide to Everyday Life.
  • How [do I] to tell if someone is masturbating?
You should be able to tell if someone is masturbating by looking out for the three tell-tale signs.
  1. Is the person despondent? Is it due to what seems to be a very intense interest in the internet porn he is hunched over?
  2. Is the person sweating profusely? If it is a guy, is it from moving his hands up and down in effort to work his exposed, erect penis?
  3. Are they wearing sunglasses, in effort to hide their bloodshot eyes from spending another night partying/whacking it profusely?
These are all things you need to keep in mind.
  • Is it illegal to dump urine in a car?
While most states do not allow people to operate cars with open bottles of urine in them, there is no law against spilling urine all over the interior of your car or someone else's car as long as the car is in park. However, stipulations arise with what you are trying to say by dumping urine. Each animal's urine has a different meaning. While raccoon urine means you want to be theirs forever, deer pee is a sign of friendship.
  • Manatee Vagina?
Yes. Someone stumbled into our world of immaculate advice with the search query of "Manatee Vagina?" Did they know we see see their dirty little curiosity? Probably not. But so is the beauty of the Public Outcry.

Sorry, but we cannot host hot pictures and videos of manatee vagina. Your query represents one of the taboo barriers we are not willing to break just yet. We do not want to be known as "The Jackie Robinson of Manatee Vagina." If you want to learn more about manatee vagina, please sneak into your local zoo after hours.

The whole operation might seem a little excessive, but think of it this way: These original contributors had no idea that we offered this service, and they were looking for another site to answer these problems. We have no idea if you are a fan, or just someone who was passing by to find answers. It does not matter, for we embrace both.

Once again, in simpler terms:

If you use Google to stumble upon our site, we can see what you searched and we want to use your searches for subject matter for our all knowing advice.

For example, if you wanted to know about some famous manatees in history, you could google the phrase "Mr. Jones famous manatees."

Why are we doing this instead of responding simply to emails? Writing an email is a conscious effort. You sit down with the intention of getting your questions answered.

By pulling from Google search results however, we see a lot of curiosities that a lot of people would not in their right mind ask anyone, and that is truly a beautiful thing.

Get it? Comment the post if you feel there is a need further explanation, or if you just want to talk about any of the posts or the site in general.

Friday, September 28, 2007

Geology Infrogram Presents Famous Stalagmites In History: Olmec

Earlier this week, we took a look at the key differences between stalactites and stalagmites. This week however, I would like to put one particular stalagmite under the spotlight and take a look at his life story.

Jeffery Timothy was one of the biggest television icons the 90’s every produced; unfortunately, no one knows Jeffery Timothy by his real name only his stage name of “Olmec,” the host of Nickelodeon’s Legends of the Hidden Temple.

If the name Olmec doesn't ring a bell, Jeffery Timothy was also known to respond to "Giant fucking talking douchebag statue."

On August 29, 1965, in Little Rock, Arkansas, Jeffery Timothy was born. His mother, a wet nurse by occupation and a frugal consumer by nature, delivered her own son much to the dismay of her husband, John Timothy, a former marine.

Timothy had a normal enough childhood; his first word was “incorrect,” effectively preparing him for a career in hosting Aztec-themed game shows. An only child, Timothy’s parents showered him with love and affection but were careful not to spoil him.

Spoiled or not, nothing could have prepared Timothy for his tragic 17th birthday. In addition to not getting his own car like he had hoped, his mother was diagnosed with an inoperable brain tumor. Upset about the car and mildly concerned about his mother, Timothy entered an extremely spiritual state and sought isolation in the Rocky Mountains.

Fueled by rumors of wish granting cave devils, Timothy became consumed by his desire to own his very own automobile, and maybe cure his mother of her dooming ailment if it happened to come up. After an agonizing twenty minutes, Timothy found the cave demon and after twenty-five minutes, failed to solve the devil’s wish granting riddle and was stripped of his human form and cursed with the form of stalagmite.

In his new stone form, Timothy became incredibly lonely. After roughly a decade in solitude, he began to convince cave rats to form tribes and do battle with one another. What started as two tribes of rats, which he named the Red Jaguars and the Blue Barracudas, eventually expanded to six tribes, adding the clans of the Green Monkeys, Orange Iguanas, Purple Parrots, and Silver Snakes to the mix.

In 1992, Marc Summers, on an academic excursion to better understand cave rat culture, happened about Timothy Summers and immediately saw television stardom.
Did you know... Marc Summers is the physical manifestation of the American dream?

Timothy was excavated from his rocky prison and placed in a studio in Universal Studios from 1993 to 1995 and began referring to the handle “Olmec.”

Today, Olmec’ whereabouts are unknown, effectively baffling scholars across the nation just as how you can loose track of a giant fucking talking statue.
Did you know... that today, Olmec could be in any state in the USA except for the purple ones?

Also, Timothy's mother is totally dead.

Wednesday, September 26, 2007

How do I determine what learning style is best for me?

In 1983, Harvard professor Howard Gardner developed a theory called learning styles. By using a learning style that appeals to your strengths, you learn better and faster. Obviously, this would be a great help whenever you are studying for tests and/or doing homework. There are eight learning styles that are essential to the learning process. Here are some of them:

Visual/Spatial - You like to look at things. All kinds of things. Just by eying your environments, you gain a very useful knowledge in whatever subject you are studying. Use your love of leering in order to answer complex math equations or answer essay questions. For example, in the instance that "X + 5 = 4", "X = -1" AND/OR "X = Homeless Man(shopping cart filled with tin cans)".

Did you know... that an accurate description of this picture will net you at least a B on any lab report?

Musical/Rhythm - Attention musicians: Did you know you can learn anything by playing an instrument? By simply playing music on an enchanted instrument, you can summon great powers to do your bidding. I'm sure one of these powers will help with tests or something.

Intrapersonal - By harnessing the power of a twin you absorbed while you were still in the womb, you too can learn more efficiently. This little guy is your inside-man in sneaking in answers on test day. By giving him a list of notes, and asking him to read them off with his underdeveloped lungs, you are on the highway to good grades.

Monkey Stance - By harnessing your debilitating ADHD, you can switch off between subjects and learn double the course work in half the time. Also, being very acrobatic helps when impressing ladies.

Did you know... that someone in monkey stance can, and will, fuck you up?

Logic/Math - Do you like math? Then you'll love using math to learn English!

Body/Kinesthetic - The sooner you realize that the only redeeming quality about yourself is your body, the sooner you will be utilizing this gem. By simply whoring yourself out to smarter kids, you can hope that some of their knowledge and wisdom is transfered to you via banging.

Monday, September 24, 2007

Geology Infogram: Stalactite v. Stalagmites

A stalactite is a rock formation that forms from cave ceilings due to mineral solution drippings in caves.

A stalagmite however, is a completely different story. A very common American misconception is that stalagmites are formed similarly to stalactites, with the main operative difference being they form from the ground and not the ceiling. Although stalagmites are formed from the ground up, it is not a result of cave water run-off. This misconception is what we refer to in the spelunking business as “incorrect” or “wrong.”

No, the stalagmite is a tantamount to human greed. During the era of hunter-gathers, it was not uncommon for a man or woman to enter a cave and ask a cave devil to fulfill a desire.
A picture of a cave devil as illustrated by an autistic kid that really likes horses.

These desires range from selfless acts of nobility, (a blessing of fortune for future hunts) to odd requests of self-indulgence (pleading for a prehensile tail).

Regardless of the intent of the request, a cave devil would be more than happy to great any wish; under the condition a riddle is answered. Failure to answer the riddle or asking for a hint would result in a potential wish-receiver to have his human form stripped away from him and his soul placed in a phallic rock formation, forever haunted by cave tourists as they draw the likeliness between the shameful rock body and a penis.

A stalagmite is not completely devoid of any course of action however.

In fact, whenever a group of miners becomes trapped underground, it’s usually the handiwork of stalagmites. A little known fact is that a stalagmite can be returned to its human form under the circumstance someone agrees to switch places with it. Stalagmites can, if enraged enough, or in large enough numbers, cause structural damage to their cave of residency. Miners have been known to unknowingly cause cave-ins by talking loudly about how awesome it is to have a body made of flesh and not stone in front stalagmites, effectively angering them.
Did you know... this particular cave-in was a result of someone saying "Motherfuckin' rocks ain't got shit on me. I got legs and shit. None of this 'I'm stuck in the cave' shit. Fuck."

Friday, September 21, 2007

Masturbation Situation Part 2 of 2: What if someone walks in on me masturbating?

Another difference between masturbation and baseball that Mr. Jones forgot to mention is the immediate embarrassment felt when seen masturbating, as opposed to being seen while playing baseball (exception: Barry Bonds.) When someone walks in on you while you are spanking it, you start to panic and your adrenaline starts pumping. In any other situation, this would help out significantly when stroking it, but is impolite at this time. Here are the do's and don't's when someone intrudes on you polishing the bowling trophy.

Did you know...that masturbation euphemisms never get old?
  • Close up shop - By quickly and swiftly putting the goods away, you hope the image will not set in for whoever walked in and won't tarnish your relationship forever.
  • Act surprised - Now, you do not have to act when it comes down to being surprised if someone walks in on you "pumping the supersoaker." Make an excuse and try exclaiming "Oh my GOD! I AM POSSESSED! The devil WILLS that I spank it!" Speak backwards if you can. Chances are they will run away in panic and try to find a nearby priest. Use this time to plan an elaborate excuse to explain your other excuse.
  • Make eye contact - I mean, come on. It's mutual embarrassment. You will never talk about it again. Might as well.
  • Finish - Don't act like nothing happened if someone walks in on you. Have common courtesy and stop "flogging the Jesus."
  • Attempt conversation - You will try to play it off like nothing happened. Not cool. They need time to think and you need time to reflect. What can you even talk about after something like that? "So James, how were the clubs tonight... while I was 'Socking the Pat Boone?'"
  • Put away all pictures of their family members - They knew the pictures of their loved ones were being moved slightly, but they just chalked it up to their overactive imagination. Please do not remove all doubt that you are "voting for the green party" to their sister's, cousins, and dead grandmothers.

Wednesday, September 19, 2007

Masturbation Situation Part 1 of 2: What If I walk in on someone masturbating?

Masturbating is an American pastime second only to baseball. Unlike baseball however, tickets are not sold to watch it, there is no national anthem beforehand, and it rarely goes into extra innings. Nonetheless, the two can be difficult to distinguish sometimes.
Did you know... in some neighborhoods R.B.I means shooting your load? This contributes to the confusion.

Dissimilarities aside, you’re probably going to walk into someone whackin’ it at some point in your life. Awkwardness not withstanding, there is only one thing to keep in mind:

Do not make eye contact. If eye contact is made when masturbating, it is programmed into our DNA to enter a highly competitive state. Instinct will take over and you yourself, as the unassuming intruder, will begin masturbating involuntarily. The winner of the confrontation is the one who climaxes first. This ejaculation drag race is one of mankind's dirtiest secrets.

It also helps to not think of this solely in a reactive manner. There are two preemptive measures you can take to stop this kind of tragedy from happening.
  • Yell "Everyone stop masturbating!" every time you enter a room.
  • Constantly walk around masturbating so you're never caught off guard.

Monday, September 17, 2007

Etiquette Excellence: Fancy Dinner Party

Welcome to the first edition of Etiquette Excellence, where we will cover a classic example where a lacking knowledge of etiquette is most detrimental: The fancy dinner party. At one point in your life, you will be invited to a fancy dinner party, and that day could be the first day of the rest of your life, if you act accordingly. Are you going to impress the host and get that promotion/become president of the gun club/be hunted on a remote island? Not if you don't follow these helpful hints!
  • Where are you sitting in relation to the host? On the standard fancy dinner table that seats one on each end and four on each side, your seat in relation to the host says a lot about who you are.
Closest - Roaming Tiger - You are ready to take on this host in a bare knuckle brawl outside of his house.
2nd Closest - Steady Turtle - You fear the change that your leadership will bring
3rd Closest - Chocolate Grasshopper - You prefer The College Years to the original Saved by the Bell
4th Closest - Sinking Whale - You're really good at Missile Command.

Did you know... that the woman with dark hair liked the original Saved by the Bell, but thought the plotlines and actors flourished when the gang graduated high school and was brought to a prime time slot?

The host will undoubtedly use this knowledge to test you. If the seats were determined by name tag, he already knows much about you.

  • When you need to remove an item from your mouth, do it as if you are regurgitating to a flock of baby birds: carefully, fluidly, and with more coughing sounds. If the host has a pet bird, regurgitate into their birdcage. If they do not have a pet bird, but other pets, regurgitate your food onto them.
  • Eat salads with the salad fork

Fun fact! The rich spend their money to help the community and to purchase retarded eating utensils?

  • The napkin should be placed in accordance to HRL guidelines for table etiquette. The details are too vast to describe here. Just imagine you are folding a flag, but you are dyslexic and have drills for arms.

Friday, September 14, 2007

What if I'm in a room with two people with the same name?

You know it. Your friends know it. Your mom drilled it into your head as a child. Sadly, some people just don’t understand that two people with the same name should never, under any circumstances be in close proximity to one another. Make no mistake, when two people with the same name come together, this is hostile territory.

When groups of similarly named people congregate, they’re not fucking around. They’re out for blood.
Did you know... the reason that the Middle East is such a hot spot for violence is not as a result of the countless religious conflicts, but because there are so many people named Mohammad?

One of our biggest social safeguards against violence is slowly being phased out with each new, violence glorifying generation. Chances are, you're going to have to deal with it. For maximum damage control, keep the following this in mind:

Become aware of the differences in the similarly named people. It has been statistically proven that people that cavort with others of the same name are ten times more likely to commit murder than murders. As a potential witness, there's a good chance you will be asked to testify in a court of law and you wouldn't want to sound like you don't know what you're talking about. That would be embarrassing.

Warning! In some extreme cases two people could appear identical AND share the same name. There really isn't much you can except assume one is a homosexual. When you make assumptions about sexual orientation, you're usually right. This way you can tell reporters that the gay one held you down while the straight one stabbed you with a red-hot poker.
Here we have two people named "Ghost Rider," a peace-loving person's worst nightmare. The one with the coffee is gay.

Lying about your name will not befriend them! Although it could trick the same namers initially, theres a very good chance they could work through your lies. Even if they did believe you, they would force you into their murder cornucopia which has two potential outcomes. You could A) be killed in a hail of crossfire, or B) get arrested, only to have your cover blown when the police report reveals your real name, which would cause your former partners in crime to murder you once everyone gets incarcerated.

Don't become a victimizer! It's entirely possible you could run into something that shares your exact name. Do not, I repeat, do not, feel obligated to start a murderous rampage with this person. Even though you could potentially become fast friends, you could never bring them home to have dinner with your family, because he/she would kill them for having a different name than you. Think about it.

Wednesday, September 12, 2007

How do I cover up my drunkeness?

It's inevitable. At one time in your life, you will be drunk in someplace where you do not want to be drunk. It could be at an office party or a job interview or an AA meeting. No matter when and where it strikes, you do not want to let the other people know that you are indeed loaded. You do not want to be taken advantage of by sober people, nor do you want to wake up with arrows drawn on you in sharpie, pointing to all of the fun places. The best thing to do is to find your way home, but how can you even do that without being told you are too drunk? The following are several ways to hide your intoxicated nature from onlookers.

Preview question: How many of these people are drunk? How many have taken advice from this site? Answer: Too many, and according to the Google AdSense that is supporting my family of 8, not enough.

Masking - This is the most straight forward of them all. By simply covering your face, you can cover the telltale signs of glazed eyes and twitch ear. May I suggest whatever you may find around you at the point of inebriation, like a lampshade. Just throw one of those babies on your head, and it's smooth sailing from there on out.

Be Friendly - It's the simplest thing to do, but it is sometimes hard to act natural when you are filled with moonshine. There are three things you must remember: 1.) Everyone is a dude or brah, no matter gender, race, or creed. 2.) You can never go wrong with respect knuckles. While you might go to shake with the wrong hand, knuckles are like American Express or cocaine: accepted anywhere. 3.) Ask your friends and people around you for support, both physically and mentally. It's like a small little icebreaker, where you learn everyone's name and they make sure you can stand up straight.

Did you know... that alcohol makes you gay?

Urinate everywhere - This one needs some explanation. You should only urinate everywhere if that is what your friend's expect you would do while sober. Even if it's not a usual habit, you might want to pick it up just for this instance. Sometimes you can't just control it, and if it is expected of you to pee in the corner of the living room of your friend, then it's not as shocking when you pee there and you're drunk. More importantly, they'll be none the wiser.

Say you aren't drunk - Honestly, if you can assure someone you aren't drunk, what other basis do they have to go on? My point exactly. Just be upfront. Tell them you aren't drunk. Yell, if you have to. Get into a fight over, if it comes to that. Put that 7-11 clerk in his place. What does he know about how you normally act in your everyday habits (see: "Urinate everywhere") ?

Monday, September 10, 2007

This month in the history of skeet shooting...

Throughout the years, the month of September has proved to be a historically fruitful month for the sport of skeet shooting. Through the magic of history, we will relive these keys moments in this sport of kings.

September 12th, 1983 – Skeet shooting is accidentally invented by a local man from Alabama using only a jug of moonshine, a loaded six-shooter, and a vinyl of Rhythm of Youth by Men Without Hats.

September 29th, 1984 – The shooting medium of skeet shooting changes to clay disks, as Men Without Hat vinyls become increasingly harder to find.

September 15th, 1985 – Much controversy is waged over Nintendo’s upcoming game Duck Hunt, which will include both ducks and clay targets. Duck hunters everywhere are not happy sharing a game with what they believe to be an “imitator sport.” Skeet shooting enthusiasts demand clay targets be included so that some much needed popular light can be shed on blossoming past time. Compromise is reached when both parties will have their respective sports included in the game on the condition there is an asshole dog that laughs when you fuck up.

Did you know... this dog is a huge prick?

September 20th, 1990
– Skeet shooting sweeps the nation and is dubbed “Canadian football.” No one knows why.

September 18th, 1996 – While on the set for Boogie Nights, Mark Wahlberg confuses the term “money shot” with skeet shooting. A mistake he will not soon forget.

September 21st, 1999 – Creed publicly states that their inspiration for their album Human Clay came from skeet shooting. “It was our home away from home,” said an elated Scott Phillips, the band’s drummer.
Creed is to skeet shooting as Bono is to third world countries.

September 11th, 2001 – Skeet shooters everywhere stand in awed silence as they wonder how the national tragedy of 9/11 will affect their ability to shoot clay disks out of the air.

Thursday, September 6, 2007

How do I stop swearing?

Swearing was invented by George Carlin during the Renaissance. It was used very liberally, as evident by curse-laden art and diaries of Leonardo DaVinci. However, times have changed and excessive swearing is now frowned upon by many people. Mother's don't want you to swear around their children, I can't curse loudly at restaurants, and senile old men can't even swear in a public park, no matter if the duck in question actually had it coming. Is this a sign of our society becoming too nerfed and trying to appeal to everyone? Fuck yea, it is. Are we going to try to change that? No fucking way.

What you need to know is how to fit into a society where swearing is soon to be illegal, as foreseen in the documdrama Demolition Man. There are several ways to circumvent swearing, but these two are proven to be the most effective. We might add new ones later, if there is a scientific breakthrough on the subject matter. The steps given are both very self-explanatory and bitchin'. Bitch.

Swear Jar!

Find a jar laying around the house, and put it in a prominent position in whatever room you are in most. Assign monetary values to swears you use often. I used the following rules before I gave the fuck up.
  • 25 cents - Crap
  • 50 cents - bitch
  • 75 cents - dickwillow
  • $1.00 - fuckwad
  • $1.25 - Shiteater McTardface
  • $1.50 - Snapple
  • $1.55 - Cuntaroonie
The original list was 36 words long, and I usually owed 34 dollars by the end of the day. The point is, it makes you realize how much you swear by taking away your precious money. Use the money from the swear jar to buy something nice for the family, like booze.

Fun Fact! Most of the money you put into the jar comes from the frustration of opening said jar!


You can also try finding different words to replace the swears. This is super-effective when you have already started the word and have to change it at the last second so your little niece doesn't go around calling every fucker that walks on by a dickwillow, no matter how adorable it is. Here are some of the most popular ones.
  • Dick - change it to Dork
  • Shit - change it to Fudge
  • Fuck - change it to Fudge
  • Dammit - change it to Fudge
  • Douchebag - change it to Fudgebag
  • Dickwillow - change it to Fudge Tree
  • Snapple - change it to Fuckhead
  • Fuckhead - change it to Fuckfudge
  • Fuckfudge - change it to Cuntaroonie
It takes awhile to get the hang of, but before you know it, you'll be calling everyone fudge trees or cuntaroonies!

Did you know... That the term "dickwillow" comes from the outtakes of the charming family classic, Willow, where Warwick Davis slaps a woman with his erect penis?

Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Writer's Workshop: Using Symbolism Effectively

So you just finished your novel, and you can’t help but notice you don’t think its deep enough. Somehow friends and family alike pan your attempt to open “Gun erotica” as a fiction genre with your 400 page epic about two homosexual black-market weapon dealers, whose love is catalyzed by an upcoming religious conflict in the Middle East.

But this is not an issue. By applying universally recognized symbolism and themes into your work, it won’t be long before your name and the phrase “erotic odyssey troubadour” appears in the same sentence in newspapers everywhere.

To get you started, I have complied a brief list of some symbols and their meanings to help you get underway on your quest for pretentiousness:

A dove that bursts into flames for no reason. The dove is one of the most widely recognized symbols of peace on the planet, which, in itself, grants literary merit. However, a dove bursting into flames signifies the end of a peaceful era and is best placed before a major, bloody conflict in your piece. Also, it shows that as an author, you don’t take shit from anyone. Especially birds.

A recently decapitated head that grows spider-like legs and runs away. This symbol has two meanings. On one hand, it’s an ancient Greek symbol of chaos, but in other locales across the globe it also means that Kurt Russel and a team of scientists are doing battle against a shape-shifting alien in the frigid cold of Antarctica. As a creative mind, it’s up to you which meaning to use.
When director John Carpenter was filming The Thing, a movie about Kurt Russel and a team of scientists doing battle against a shape-shifting alien in the frigid cold of Antarctica, he felt this particular piece of symbolism was a no-brainer.

The manatee. The sea cow signifies death at sea, usually as a result of a boat motor. As a writer, it may be your best interest to avoid using the manatee in settings were bodies of water are not present.

Triangles. The triangle is geometry’s vagina. Whenever you need a touch of femininity, look no further than the mighty symbol of the triangle. For example, you can use the pyramids of Egypt to foreshadow an upcoming reverse gang-bang.

Monday, September 3, 2007

What if I am arrested for commiting an obscure crime that I had no idea existed?

Since the creation of power, ill-conceived laws have been made to create hasty solutions to non-problems. It usually starts with a rambling complaint against people on main street loitering next to the statues by a local. From there, we see small town courts and law enforcement flourish, as it designates that anyone found touching the statues on main street shall be blindfolded and systematically gang raped by a jury of his peers (Jasper, Georgia.)

But what if you are just passing through, start to put your hair in a pony tail, and then are taken to the jail house do to their strict scrunchy laws (Kenmare, North Dakota)? Certainly there must be a clause concerning your ignorance to some of the many laws in America! It is unfortunate that these small towns are very unforgiving in court. Usually, they make up more absurd rules as the trial goes along, adding to the original charge of using Miracle Whip (Lacrosse, Wisconsin) with more charges like wearing black soled shoes on the sabbath (Englewood, Florida) and excessive use of linking verbs (Austin, Texas.)

Did you know... that the no scrunchy crime is the second most broken law in Kenmore.
And that the first is heart disease?

One way to avoid these laws is to ignore small town America. We have expressways for a reason. Small towns are usually unsightly, boring, and there is a chance that you cannot even keep bottles of your own urine in your car (Sapulpa, Oklahoma.) If we give small towns the cold shoulder, they will not give us any problems. Of course, their isolation and complete lack of outside influence will just give them the sort of cabin fever they need in order to make more stupid laws and wacky ceremonies. This leaves the next person whose car breaks down next to a small town in a world of confusion, and in some cases, the human sacrifice for a turtle that the locals consider their true ruler (New York, New York.)

By far, the best way to not fall victim to these laws is to be a database of every obscure law that has gone into effect. Ever. For you to get a head start on this, we have the most notable laws that you will need to know and the towns you dare not break them in.

In Alva, Kentucky, it is illegal to say any sentence that may be construed as a sexual innuendo! The punishment is serving 20 days of hard time. Hard, throbbing, time.

In Golden City, New Mexico, it is illegal to pay using the Sacagawea dollar! Breaking this law means that you will have to spend one night in a haunted house.

In Reno, Nevada, it is unlawful to kill a man just to watch him die! Punishment includes being tortured by the thought of people in fancy dining cars drinking coffee and and smoking big cigars.

In Des Moines, Iowa, it is illegal to marry people of the same sex!

In Chapman, Maine, it is unlawful to use a retro lunchbox as a purse! Repercussions for such high crimes include a $50 fine, dismantling of said box/purse, and death.

Did you know... the only natural enemy to the retro lunchbox purse is maturity?

In Brookside, Ohio, it is illegal to hum to a song stuck in your head. It is punishable by death as a way to quarantine and control such dangerous possibilities.

In Raleigh, North Carolina, it is illegal to talk about South Carolina. Not following this law is punishable by being forced to stay in Bizzaro Carolina (known by non-NCers as South Carolina.)

In Reindeer, Tennessee, it is legal for women to vote!

In Stevensville, Michigan, it is against the law to have aspirations and refuse to work at the coal mine your father works at! The punishment is getting your dream job, reaching heights never thought attainable, and a possible Disney movie based off of your likeliness.