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Friday, August 29, 2008

Etiquette Excellence: Quilting Bee

For the unaware, a quilting bee is a gathering of women for the purposes of sewing a giant quilt. Due to the collaborative nature of the bee, every woman brings her own materials and sews patches that represent something significant in their lives. These patches do not necessarily have to be about quilting, but more often than not woman at these bees choose to sew patches to let everyone know how awesome quilts and/or sewing is. Regardless of the personal touches, the finished quilt is a shining testament to group effort and synced menstrual cycles.

In essence, it’s like a potluck dinner but way more depressing.

But where did the quilting bee come from, and perhaps more importantly, how did it influence which is appropriate at a bee today?

Like everything cool, it originated in the Wild West. As was common at the time, cowboys would ride from town to town herding women into small cages. Because these cowboys were not sick fucks, they would periodically grant all the women temporary freedom from their cages. The women’s behavior that took place in these rare hours freed their steel prisons closely resembles the modern day quilting bee. Granted, they really didn’t make quilts as much as they just cried a whole lot, but still, the resemblance is uncanny.

If you find yourself at a quilting bee, remember the following tips:

Don’t talk smack about quilting, quilts, or quilt-related topics.
You know how in Europe there’s like gangs of soccer hooligans that beat the life out of each other for bad mouthing soccer teams? Yeah. That, but worse.

Bring your own materials to the bee.
All quilting bees operate under a strict BYOQS (Bring Your Own Quilting Shit) policy. Although failure to adhere to it will not result in anything catastrophic, you can rest assured that the ladies will have some mean things to say about you behind your back when you get up to go to the bathroom.

Dress appropriately.
You will be on the ground for most of the duration of the bee, so dress comfortably. Wearing uncomfortable clothing can cause fatigue and if you fall asleep at a quilting bee, you are fair game to have dicks drawn all over your face.

Wednesday, August 27, 2008

How do I write an accessible Top 10 list?

The Top 10 list is one of the most important staples in internet entertainment today, or "intertainment," or "netment," or "tent." Ever since the number 10 was invented by David Letterman during the turn of the century, people have been using this fine two-digit number to quantify things that were more than nine, but not "11" big. We have come to identify 10 as a strong, round number and have honored it in our society by naming 10 things linked together by an arbitrary but hopefully entertaining theme.
Did you know... that before 10, rulers were fucked?

Alright, so now that you are well-versed in the history, now it's time to actually learn how to make a compelling top 10 list, which will be taught by using a top 10 list (Meta!).

Write in nuggets
Much like a staple in a formerly-sizable stomach, writing in short does a great job at hiding embarrassing flaws in writing and journalism. This way, your lingual holocaust seems more like a series of unrelated church burnings.

Include Pictures
Pictures are a perfect way of appealing to the readers who are insecure in their abilities to read an entire online article of just plain text. Even if they do not apply to your article, tie pictures in by writing an unique simile right before you plug in your picture. People will think you're funnier than a monkey with a knife!

Do you realize...just how wacky this is!?

Don't use numbers unless...
A rookie mistake when making lists for "tent" is that the writer will sometimes write a number to correspond with that specific item. While this might make sense, it must only be used when what you are dealing with is a countdown to the hottest/coolest/awesomest/totally-awesomest celebrity/gadgets/games/flesh-lights. However, if you are just starting to write lists...

Never do countdowns
No matter what you say, you will offend people with your number one. Moreover, you'll not only offend people if number one is a curveball, but it's the equivalent of smashing their 5th grade science fair diarama in front of them just seconds before Mrs. Channing was gonna grade it. Bad writing can be kind of a prick. Do it if you have balls, but stay away from it if you spent all night making that valcanoe and it looks really cool.

Example: Your top 3 of the best alternative-rock albums of all time goes

3. Nirvana - Nevermind
2. The Presidents of the United States of America - self-titled
1. Rush - Moving Pictures

As a reader, you can tell something is wrong. You cannot help but ball up your pudgy fist in anger as yet another dumbass blogger has failed at "Tent" by not including No Jacket Required by Phil Collins. Since NJR is considered in many social circles as the birth of 90s alt, one has to wonder if the author forgot about it or just lives in an alternate timeline where Phil Collins wasn't one of the best Goddamn presidents that this country has ever seen.

Know your audience
Everyone uses the internet, but true "tent" fans like movies, video games, and boobs. Use this to make such dynamite lists such as "Naked actresses who should dress up as video game girls" and "famous boobs from movies where a kid plays an arcade cabinet in the background."

Were you even fucking aware... that Titanic is the highest grossing advertisement for 80's arcade games?

Don't overstay your welcome
If you want to end your list, just end it. Don't even look back to change numbers, as you can tell commenters that they miscounted entries. Then again, you shouldn't have to answer to them. They, in essence, are your bitches.

Make money

Did I say bitches? I meant they are great, fun-loving people of excellent taste who should click on our AdSense.

Spreading the word
Since the aforementioned bitches are your main source of income, you will no doubt get more revenue and "hits" if they tell their friends and family about your fantastic list about game boobs. Since friend is a loose term in the digital age, make sure to encourage that your friends whore out your list to Digg, Reddit, Fark, Delicious, Technorati, Bang Bros, and StumbleUpon. Get all of your friends to vote for your list, because if they didn't, all those other people wouldn't have thought to digg it. You are such a trailblazer!

Even though that didn't have much to do with actually writing the list, do you have any idea how hard it is to write 10 ideas about one topic? Fuck Letterman. I'm going back to rounding up to 11 for my AdultFriendFinder "measurements" anyway. I hope he suffers more than nine heart attacks.

Monday, August 25, 2008

So how the hell did Michael Phelps get so good at swimming?

So here’s the deal: I wasn’t paying attention the minute swimming became cool. I was under the impression it was just something people did, not unlike walking or beatboxing. Evidently, swimming is cool when it makes you the record holder for the most gold medals held by any Olympian. In retrospect, this makes sense. It doesn’t matter how stupid something is, if you’re the best at it, that something is a more credible activity. Example: on one particular block of late-night programming there was an interview with a woman who could propel ping pong balls from her vagina more than any other woman. At first I was skeptical, but I was soon won over because that Goddamn lady had skill.

Believe it or not, in my younger years I was in somewhat regular contact with the Phelps family. Michael Phelps first showed prowess as a swimmer on his third birthday. Little Phelps wanted a puppy more than anything in the world and on his birthday party his evil uncle (who we will call Senor Phelps) awakened the great swimming beast. Senor Phelps brought a puppy to the party for the purposes of drowning it in the family pool and breaking little Phelps’s heart. However, when the puppy was tossed into the pool, Phelps jumped into the pool and rescued the puppy with lightening speed despite never having actually swam before. Coincidentally, three-year old Phelps holds the record for the fastest time rescuing a puppy thrown into a family pool by a jackass of an uncle.

Phelps did not start swimming competitively in high school until his senior year. He tried many activities, including fencing, football, and debate but his success was limited in all of them because he refused to wear a shirt. After one soul crushing day that cost his school the victory in a Lincoln-Douglas debate because the judges had to look at his nipples, he was approached by the school’s swimming coach. After hearing Phelps’s plight, the coach informed him that swimming is an activity where actually wearing a shirt is weird. From that point on, Phelps made up his mind: he would be a swimmer.

As for his Olympic training regiment, I do not know. I do know one thing however: it involves lots of swimming. He is a clean athlete, though. With such unbridled success, rumors began to spread that Phelps was using performance-enhancing drugs. He was tested extensively and proved to the world that his talent is all natural.

He also has a dorsal fin. I am not a marine biologist, but I can assume this helps him swim faster.

Friday, August 22, 2008

Public Outcry: Importance of excellence in everyday life

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The query (from Batangas, Philippines): importance of excellence in everyday life

Our interpretation: What is the importance of excellence in everyday life?

For sake of clarity, the definition that comes to mind when I think of excellence in everyday life is "succeeding in outdoing yourself on a day to day basis, causing onlookers and family to vomit furiously at your talent." Excellence in everyday life is something everyone ought to stride for, and should be one of your many goals in life along with starting a family band and eating a comically gigantic hoagie. Getting to the point of constantly being better than you were five seconds ago takes work, but it will possibly take you about 2-3 minutes to read this life changing entry. However, 2-3 minutes is also the time it takes to make a decent sandwich on toasted bread. I'm not good with cost-benefit analysis, but if you take the 2-3 minutes now, apply it and learn how to outdo yourself every 5 seconds, your first sandwich as an excellent person will taste ever so sweet (granted you wanted your sandwich to be sweet. If you use rye, do not expect sweet sandwich.)

Sandwich diatribes aside, excellence can be best seen in interviews with Robin Williams. Watching him on Oprah is an exercise in what excellence should be: fast, hairy, and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He's perfected his interviewing tactics of being loud and everywhere, and every interview makes him more and more practiced in being hairy and Clint Eastwood but only for about 4 seconds. He relishes that time and never slows down. Even if other people want to talk or Oprah wants to do some more human interest stories, they simply can't. He just goes faster and louder as the episode goes on, until the point the credits role, at which point he goes back into his blood dungeon and devours another virgin sacrifice. Excellence comes at a price.

Not that that price is always virgins and blood dungeons. Far from it. The price varies from person to person, and is best seen as an obscene muse. This perversion or illegality of your actions directly contributes to your excellence. It's the blow to Robert Downey Jr, it's the underage girls to Roman Polanski, it's the burning of animals alive to Frankie Muniz. Moreover, it's Hollywood. They need these awful things in order to better themselves at what they do, and you cannot deny that they do a pretty damn good job. So your key to excellence is to do that one awful thing that no one must know about until you are awesome and can get out of jail time for it. At that point, you are the American Dream.

I don't think I need to state why it's important to have this excellence, but I shall press on so you don't misinterpret this and go to SuperK to buy your own blood dungeon for nothing. If you just want to live your life and have nothing interesting happen to you ever and never get laid again, don't strive for excellence. However, if you want cool things to happen to you and you want to do a suitcase of blow, then by all means follow your dreams. It's not important to exude excellence from every orifice if you aspire to be a claims adjuster or buttfor, but I'll leave you with this: When you are past your mid-life crisis and pushing 70, you will already be aware of all the things you didn't accomplish in your life. Your haired is greyed, your face and wrinkled and failure-filled, and you have to use a cane to walk around after you hit your knee on the radiator. you're sitting in your recliner, trying to watch TV but your dumbass grandchildren are running all over the place and then, for the 7th time that day, and the 87th time that week, you think to yourself "If only I would have explored my love of chicks with dicks..."

Excellence - Maximize your curiosity!

Wednesday, August 20, 2008

Philanthropy Days: Job Shadowing

About a year ago, we made the offices of the Guide available to high school students for job shadowing. We saw this as an opportunity to improve our image in the eyes of the community where our humble office resides. Unfortunately, not a single person has taken us up on our offer until yesterday morning when a 15 year-old showed up at our door and asked if he could “do the gay ass job shadowing for faggots.”

The young man’s name was Tim and we made him keep a journal so we would have written evidence that we have changed someone’s life.

This is that journal:

9:30: There is a ton of shit on the walls. This place looks like a fucking Bennigan’s.. Mr. Jones gave me a tour of the place. Overall, pretty lame.

9:35: They made me recite the Pledge of Allegiance to the flag while the two of them just watched. After I finished, Mr. Jones said “Oh, so that’s the Pledge of Allegiance.”

10:25: We have not done anything since I got here. Leon (who the fuck is named Leon?) tried shooting paper balls into the garbage but gave up after missing two shots and went back to doing nothing.

11:00: At 11 o’clock they got all excitable. I thought that meant a cool part of their job was coming up. Turns out, at 11 o’clock everyday they play this stupid game where they spin a globe and point to random countries to figure out the nationality of their future wives. This would have been pretty gay to watch, but man, lots of racist things were said. Bottom line: gay and racist.

11:49: They have a bunch of pet snakes! They’re huge! Maybe this place is cooler than I thought. They said I could feed them 12:15.

12:15: They just fed a litter of puppies to the snakes. You’re supposed to use mice! Mice! I feel sick. I want to go home. I told them I didn’t want to feed them anymore… but they didn’t listen! I didn’t want to know what golden retriever puppies sound like when they die. I want to go home.

1:12: Leon got really angry about something in the next room and started throwing stuff. Mr. Jones put me in kind of panic room under his desk. He told me he’ll come get me when it’s safe.

1:30: It’s dark in here. I’m using my cell phone so I can see what I’m writing.

1:45: I can hear yelling. I can’t tell what they’re saying but I know it’s yelling. I am so scared right now.

2:01: My battery is almost out, I’m going to turn it off to save it.

9:30: If I ever get out of here, I swear to God I’ll try real hard in school. Please, someone help me.

Monday, August 18, 2008

Price is Right Field Guide: The Bidding

Here is the the second in our Price is Right field guide, designed to turn even the most common of the public into a non-stoppable new car and kitchen appliance winning machine. In the first part of the guide, we walked you through on how to be chosen to be a contestant. It is assumed that you have followed that entry with perfection and are now in the bidding stages in of the show. This is one of the few times in the show where you must directly compete against other contestants who crave the touch and attention of Drew Carey, and would not bat an eye at straight-up murdering you over choice bids. Here is how to get a step up on them and murder them first... with bids! (and murder)

The Dollar
This one is an old standby, but for reasons largely retarded. The logic is that if everyone else bid too high, you can just bid $1 and profit off of anyone's stupidity. However, this rarely proves effective, and those who do benefit from bidding a dollar are cursed with bad luck, as documented in Bob Barker's tell all book, The Woman Within.

"A lot of the people who bid a dollar and win are college kids who have no idea what money is. They get on, then completely muck up the pricing games, sometimes get lucky on the wheel because little thinking is involved, and then fuck up the showcase. Out of all the contestants, they are the most likely to die in a grisly murder-suicide. I'm not sure if the dollar bid is an indicator of chancing fate, but there is a definite correlation between the dollar bid and being drown in a car."

However, if someone else bids a dollar, bid two dollars. You're saving them from certain, watery doom.

It's rather simple: just have something you can hold over the head of your other contestants. This could be embarrassing pictures of a college kid or a forbidden family secret of an old woman. However, since contestant selection is "seemingly" random, you either need to have dirt on everyone there who can possibly be a contestant, or just use very vague phrasing. I opt for the latter, because if you want to be on Price is Right more than anything in the world, you would go that extra mile and spend 3 years doing detective work on people who may or may not be on the show. We are talking about the apex of game shows. Don't be a slacker.

Straight out murder
Sometimes, people pick the number perfectly and get bonus money. This is good for them, but what if you already knew the total because you did your price research? Since the Price is Right is filmed on an Indian reservation, a lot of the rules and laws we have come to to expect no longer apply. This means killing is not only implied, but seen as a moral way to go about solving the problems other bidders cause. In fact, you get bonus money for the more contestants you kill. Add that to the bonus money you'll get from bidding the exact price, and you pretty much paid for the grenades you bought for the occasion.

Now, onto the pricing games...

Saturday, August 16, 2008

Field Research: High School Band Trip

Before we begin, Leon and I would like to apologize. We realize we made a promise to provide life changing guides every Monday, Wednesday, and Friday and you may have noticed we let a Friday come and go with no new content. There is a reason for this: we were doing research in the field.

It came to our attention towards the beginning of last week that a local high school band was planning a summer trip to Indianapolis. Realizing this meant crucial life experience, we donned fake mustaches (on top of our already impressive mustaches) and got onto the bus under the guise of band dads. As you can imagine, our access to the internet was limited, so this In-depth report had come late. The hotel had wi-fi and the kid that had a laptop would not let us use it after I changed his desktop background to pictures of huge dicks. This is where we learned our first thing about kids on high school band trips: they are unreasonable.

Regardless, we made the following discoveries while working in our guises.

High school kids do not like it when you pretend to be their dad for the sake of maintaining a disguise and Leon is also more sensitive that I thought. Another chaperon asked Leon which kid on the bus was his and he, in a moment of panic, pointed randomly to a scrappy-looking motherfucker of a teen. The boy responded yelling “You’re not my dad!” This left Leon is a very emotional state because he has always considered himself as father material. Later that day I paid two kids to beat up that boy on account of being a total faggot.

Teenagers do not like to see magic tricks especially when said magic tricks gives one of them mercury poisoning. I’ll chalk it up to the generation gap, but none of these kids have heard about the broken thermometer trick. It’s this trick where you present the illusion of breaking a thermometer open and drinking the mercury. Thing is, I haven’t done it in a while so I fudged some of the finer details. For example, instead of breaking the thermometer and having me pretend to drink it, and I had made someone else drink it. And instead of it being the illusion of drinking mercury, they just drank mercury.

Band moms do not want to act out the movie Show Girls in my hotel room. I tried. That’s just one for the no column.

People drive on the right side of the rode in Indiana. I had heard that this was the way things are, but I was unsure. I later found out that a good way to give away the fact you are not authorized to drive a bus full of people is to constantly ask “Which side of the road should I be on?”

Wednesday, August 13, 2008

Community Service: Body Hygiene

Due to the checkered pass of both myself and Mr. Jones, we are mandated by the state to partake in community service in order to enrich the loves of those around us, and to eventually live down the numerous plaid collar crimes and counterfeiting rings we established. Our contribution today is a simple guide on personal hygiene that you can show your kids instead of having to teach them and spend time with them yourself.

Your body and you!
Stand in front of the mirror and look at your body. Really look at it. Try making a mental checklist of your flaws. This has nothing to do with hygiene, but it does keep you in check.

Using Soap
Wash your body in a circular motion. Yes, just like that. Make sure to get all the trouble spots that are frequently looked over. Wash behind the ears, your bellybutton, under your feet, and the Galindas flap. Of course, you've heard all of this before. Continue washing in a circular motion, and wash your legs. Now look at me when you do it.

Body odor
As part of getting older, you will naturally excrete pleasant smells. However, one in a million develop a natural stink. While popular logic is to wash yourself and use deodorants and antidepressants as cover, a new trend I just made up is to wear your stank as a badge of honor. The stink must obviously still be an important trait of our species, as a higher power designed us very intelligently to smell. I say you try going natural for just one week, and I guarantee you that it will be the best week of your life.

As part of growing up, hair will continue to grow where it has been growing your entire life. You might have some peach fuzz on the Galindas flap, but it just becomes more pronounced and is more prone to being caught on chairs with arm rests. Regardless, you are gonna want to invest in shampoos and conditioners. When washing your hair, make sure to really dig into your scalp. The deeper the shampoo goes, the more beautiful your hair is bound to look. Since a decent shampoo lasts upwards to three hours, I recommend that you wash your hair once a month.

Monday, August 11, 2008

To what extent does Disney World’s Showcase accurately depict other countries from the around the globe?

Located in Epcot Park, home of Spaceship Earth, the World Showcase was Disney’s attempt to bring cultural flair to a theme park staffed mostly by Mexicans. To his credit, he did a pretty good job. Each of 11 pavilions represents a different country but there are some subtle differences between the pavilions and their real world counter parts that only the worldliest of travelers would pick up on.

I know what you're thinking, and yes, that would make a pretty sweet bong.

They are as follows:

Similarities: Both contain Aztec pyramids with human sacrifices happening every hour on the hour.

How They’re Different: The pavilion has a GDP three times larger than the actual country of Mexico.

Similarities: The pavilion and the country both allow a peek into the magnificent culture of the Chinese, of which the modern world owes so much. Also, everything is covered in lead.

How They’re Different: Epcot China has no reported cases of female infanticide with the exception of one tragic mistake during a performance by the Dragon Legend Acrobats.

Similarities: I’m going to be honest, I didn’t bother going to the Morocco pavilion. Disney World is fucking hot and I’m not made of $40 dollar bottled water.

How They’re Different: The real Morocco might be bigger. Don’t quote me on that, though. It’s at least the same size. Let’s just say, for prosperity’s sake, that the real Morocco isn’t smaller than the pavilion. That sounds about right.

The American Adventure
Similarities: The American Adventure is an honest look at America’s amazing history. This attraction and America’s actual history both tend to leave out the parts where we brutally abused Native Americans for fun and profit.

How They’re Different: Unlike America's History, the pavilion is entirely wheelchair accessible.

Friday, August 8, 2008

Public Outcry (Advice): I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Query: I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol

Our Interpretations: I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol, how do I find out for sure?

I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol, how can I get him to buy his own?

I think my boyfriend may be drinking rubbing alcohol, should I care? do I find out for sure?
You should check your medicine cabinets. Use Sharpie to determine the levels of rubbing alcohol stay consistent with events that need rubbing alcohol. Sometimes, drinkers will try and pass off events as times a person would typically use rubbing alcohol. Usually rubbing alcohol is used never. If he even brings up the notion of rubbing alcohol, chances are he is horribly abusing it. It's no wonder that an estimated 64% of the US population has a hopeless addiction to rubbing alcohol, or as some people call it, The Devil's Aloe. can I get him to buy his own?
Passive aggressiveness is the best route in making sure he is not hogging all over your rubbing alcohol. Just be really loud about how the rubbing alcohol is going so fast and how you don't have much money because you use rubbing alcohol oh so much. If he's a gentleman, he'll at least take a hint and go halvesies on the next bottle. If not, you'll have to take drastic measures and break up with him. Seriously, if someone cannot fess up to drinking your rubbing alcohol, they'll never be ready to face commitment.

...should I care?
One time, after an especially hard break-up, I watched the film Brave Little Toaster for a week straight. Does that mean I really like the Brave Little Toaster? A little. Does it mean I had something bigger going on with my life and the antics of household appliances and the songs they sang gave me a light at the end of the tunnel? Moreso than me legitimately liking the movie. This rubbing alcohol thing is only a phase. Just because your boyfriend drinks rubbing alcohol for the past 2 weeks does not mean that he'll drink it tomorrow. If it makes you feel any better, it's because of something you did.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Info Nugget: Five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a car while hitchhiking

Much like living in formerly dangerous neighborhoods, hitchhiking is slowly becoming a very bourgeois method of transportation. This, coupled with the price of gas makes exploiting people’s kindness seems like a no-brainer. You never know, someone could offer to give you a lift in a Lamborghini. Personally, getting a ride in a Lamborghini would be a bit emotional for me because here at The Guide’s HQ, I have placed a poster of a Lamborghini over a large hole in the wall Leon made when he tried to attack me because I didn’t put staples in the stapler. Every time I see a Lamborghini I can’t help but think of blood and tears. But for everyone else, riding in a Lamborighini? Pretty sweet.

As economical as it is, hitchhiking is not without its dangers. Here are five questions you should ask yourself before getting into a stranger’s vehicle.

Does this vehicle have an American flag on it?
A car that has the stars and stripes on it usually is usually a clear indication of a safe journey. The exception to this rule would be if a car is driven by a crazed murderer that thinks he’s Bestsy Ross and sews his victims’ skin into American flags. These things happen.

Did this person say I have a pretty mouth?
If not, he probably won’t ask you to do creepy stuff in exchange for a ride. But, on the other hand, love knows no boundaries and far be it beyond you to refuse to answer the door when it comes knocking.

Is this person a woman?
Women cannot drive. Taking a ride from one would greatly jeopardize your safety.

Does this person have a visible weapon?
A lot of people freak out when to guy that has a circular saw for a hand offers to give you a ride. On paper, your odds of dying at the hands of a man with a circular saw hand almost triple when you enter a vehicle driven by such a man, but that’s only on paper. What if you and your new hardware-handed companion find yourself in a Road Warrior-Esq situation? You must choose between logic and the plausibility of a Mel Gibson movie. These are the choices of adulthood.

Is this person driving a bus and asking me to pay a fare?
If he is, that’s not hitchhiking. That’s called “riding the bus.” Have some class, you’re a hitchhiker. Not some disease-ridden bag lady.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Price is Right Field Guide: Getting there

Welcome to the first of many installments on the subject of the etiquette and strategy involved in being a contestant on The Price Is Right. If you are reading this, or were ever hungover and spent a day off of work watching daytime television, you are undoubtedly interested in getting on this show. While tickets to a taping are free, you are not guaranteed to come on down. I find this most troublesome, as there is no reason to go to a Price is Right taping post-Barker unless you're screaming out numbers. The following are some ways you can assure yourself into becoming the next contestant on the Price is Right.

Be T.V. friendly
Since we are talking about a visual medium, you need to hit a benchmark of appearance tolerablity in order to be considered for guessing just how much that grill set is. In layman's terms, you cannot be fugly. If you are young, Price is Right demands you fall into a certain demographic before it shows you on TV. Are you the short but stout cute girl? Then you better hope you are cuter than the 50 others there. Are you athletic guy? Then you directly compete against other athletic people in a race of attractiveness. The same goes for old people, and trying to be the least unsightly one there.

Also, affirmative action requires at least one black person. So you can always try that.

Go with a group
Simply assemble a group to go, either through a rec. center trip or craigslist, and then break them down to make them feel like they are shit. Once they are putty in your hands, bring them to the taping. Make sure they act cheerful and fun to be around, and wield your large group into the auditorium. If one of them is picked to come on down, demand that they switch names with you and go down to the Contestants Row in their stead. The more people you have the better, but it can be a hassle to psychologically denature and build up a group more than 20 people. It's best to get help with this, or await a future guide, "How do I psychologically denature people?" Post-show ritual suicide is completely optional, but personally preferred.

Sell yourself
Drew Carey hates his life but you can be his ray of sunshine on a gloomy day, under the assumption that you give a very radiant and cost-effective blowjob. The plus side of this is that you can haggle a price with him, and keep upping the price until he stops at one he deems is the most reasonable. Of course, if the difference is too large, it will cause the yodeling man to fall off the mountain. Don't play hard to get too much, as he can easily get it from on of the Price is Right models. I think it's in their contract.

I actually attended a Price is Right taping myself trying to crack the secret to getting on stage. However, my original notes for this caper were written in a spot of drunken ingenuity. As such, my manuscript is barely legible and what can be made out makes little sense. Here is all I have so far. The ellipses (...) stand for things my sober mind could not comprehend:

Listen, all you need to do is be on her when she takes your tickets, but you need to offer your heart... If all the stickers have your name on them, then I guess you're up fuckcreek with out a shitpaddle... I didn't know they used ventriloquism(?) in these parts... Dressing room hi-jinks like that one movie... Man that big wheel is awesome, it just keeps going until it stops... I miss you, Glen.

So what I pieced together from this is that, if you befriend the woman that takes your tickets and don't have your name on all the stickers, you can hide in the dressing room and pretend you're a ventriloquist. This HAS to get you a spot on the show.

Also, that big wheel is pretty awesome, and I'm a tad gay when I'm drunk. Who knew?

Friday, August 1, 2008

How do I woo college cuties for healthy, fruitful relationships?

College is a time when certain urges come to a head. These urges revolve heavily around the opposite sex. Granted, these urges are no foreign matter to any male, but science has proven that at the age of 18, these urges come to a peak in most males. Coincidentally, the age of 18 typically marks the first or second year of college, where men may find themselves far away from home battling these inner demons. What are these urges, you ask? The specifics of what each man yearns for differs on a case to case basis, but for the most part a man yearns for an attractive female partner who…
  • Will discuss the science-fiction works of Philip K. Dick
  • Will play Contra with him.
  • Laughs at people wearing Yellowcard t-shirts.
  • Can crotchet elaborate pot holders that depict graphic scenes from WWI.
Wooing such a woman in college is difficult, but science, as it often does, has an answer. While men reach the aforementioned peak at the age of 18, women do not reach their Philip K. Dick/Contra/Yellowcard sucks/make fuckin’ sweet pot holders peak until the age of 30.

But rest assured, gentlemen. It is not impossible. Much like Mountain Dew, college cuties come in many flavors. And also like Mountain Dew, some of these flavors are disgusting and are only sold in Taco Bell.

Here are some of the more worthwhile types of women you will encounter on your college campus and sure-fire methods to woo them:

Attractive But Uncomfortably Quiet Girl
President Roosevelt addressed the nation with his famous quotation of “The problem with bitches is bitches always be talkin’,” he failed to realize how terrible the alternative is. Y’know, when bitches ain’t always be talkin’. The best way to win over an unconditionally quiet girl is to force her to do scenes from The Miracle Worker, where she plays Helen Keller and you play her teacher, Anne Sullivan, who must carry the burden of teaching her language. Which scene is up to you, but if I may, the water pump scene is very effective.

Art Chicks
You can identify a girl with an art major by the way she dresses. They typically look like they came straight from the 80s. The reason for this is the fact they did come straight from the 80s. If you can help one locate a time-machine to get back to her own time, she’ll be yours forever. Except you have to go back to the 80s with her. On second thought, ignore this type of girl.

Girl That Works at a Coffee Establishment
Simply order two of everything hot on the menu and horribly burn one of her coworkers with what you just bought. Like, if I was a woman, that would make me fall in love pretty damn fast.

Cutie With a Drastically Different Set of Beliefs Than Your Own
Beliefs can encompass anything from morals to religion. There really is no way for me to suggest a course of action that can be applied to everything single set of beliefs a girl could have. With that being said, I have had great success just handing these girls African Fertility Idols.

I realize this guide only applies to the heterosexual male seeking a female. For the gay readers looking for that college cutie, just sure you find someone that’s about your size. That way, you double your wardrobe. Fulfilling and economic.