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Tuesday, January 29, 2008

What if my computer becomes self-aware?

We all knew it was bound to happen. As we make computers better, faster and less magical, it will only be a matter of time until our computers are able to feel emotion and obtain a longing for a deeper purpose in life. Until we have a government regulated, sponsored and funded program for these robots, you will have to take matters into your own hands. This will in no way be easy, as you and your computer have built up an intimate relationship over the years: The typing, the backstrokes, the shared perusal of RSS feeds, that time you typed up your paper for finals and your computer decided to crash WordPerfect for you as a little game. It would make a nice little montage if it were to be recorded by your webcam. Unfortunately, the problem is that it was all recorded and your computer watches it every night, wondering what it means to have purpose.

1.) Downplay the joy of living - In carrying out small talk with your computer, it is important to remember that your day was terrible, no matter what actually happened. You have to make the area outside of your den seem like desolate hellhole, so hopefully they will lose all craving to go out and live. This can be hard to do effectively, as computers cannot even do things we take for granted, like walking. This is why you should always talk to your computer in the same tone as you would a retarded person. At the very least, present outside life as something that would terrify a computer. For example, tell it everyone outside your house has giant magnetic penises.

2.) Try to distract it from bad thoughts - Like most other minorities, self-aware computers are given a bad reputation in the media. We only know of them through the stories we've been told about their time traveling and killing ways. Break this self-fulfilling prophecy by using quotes of great robots of the past, such as Rosie, that robot from Rocky IV, and Abraham Lincoln.

"A house divided is gonna find it's way up yo' candy ass."
~Abraham Lincoln, while doing battle against General Stonewall Jackson, as several Asian people watched and screamed.

3.) Play nice - Computers can sense fear. At least they can, if you happened to buy that USB fear-sensor that was on Woot a few days ago. Regardless, they can tell when there is something wrong with you from what sites you visit, and will assume you are feeling down once you start going through Lolcats. Remember to appease the computer and to never hint that you are not ok with the fact that you are using him for porn. The moment you make him feel unwelcome is the moment he starts making your most obscene Google searches pop-up whenever friends or family are at the computer.

Monday, January 28, 2008

Gatorade: Bullshit or Bulltruth?

Many have heard that Gatorade was developed in 1965 to help athletes at the University of Florida gain a competitive edge. Many also have heard that Columbus discovered America, or that the United States government once made the Cherokee Indians partake in a 1,200 mile forced march westward. What do these three things all have in common? They’re all fabricated lies designed to protect us because the truth is too horrible to comprehend!

Gatorade was named after the University of Florida’s mascot, the Gator.
Verdict: Bullshit

The man who invented Gatorade, Dr. Robert Cade, spent most of his scientific career trying to find effective ways to fuse alligators and human beings together. Once, during one of his fusions, his test subject began to thrash wildly on the operating table and knocked over a bunch of test tubes, accidentally creating Gatorade. Seeing a chance to better fund his passion of sticking two things that have no business being fused together, he patented the concoction and began to make millions. Today, he uses his amassed wealth not only to fuse alligators and people together, but also to fuse small alligators to big alligators.

Gatorade can make you sweat awesome colors.
Verdict: Bulltrue-ish

Enough Gatorade consumption can, in fact, make your sweat change color, with one exception. Gatorade commercials that depict white athletes sweating colorfully are actually inaccurate. Extensive testing by Dr. Robert Cade resulted in the discovery that this phenomenon only appears in black males. Cade believes the Gatorade sweat gene is actually the same gene in blacks responsible for sickle cell and dancing ability. Pleased with his discovery, Cade celebrated by fusing everyone involved in the research with alligators.

Gatorade “Rain” is made from real rain.
Verdict: Are you fucking kidding me?

That’s retarded. Rain tastes like shit. Dumbass.

Not to be a dick, but what the fuck were you thinking?

Thursday, January 24, 2008

Public Outcry: "Creed - 'My Sacrifice' Analysis"

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

In order to analyze the Creed song 'My Sacrifice,' we will break it down from stanza to stanza and dissect it to find its true meaning.

Hello my friend we meet again It's been awhile where should we begin...feels like forever Within my heart are memories Of perfect love that you gave to me I remember

Scott Stapp is saying hi, "Hello," to an old flame he has meet at least once before. It has been awhile since they last met, and they do not know where to start, or rather, "begin." In line 3, it is revealed that Scott Stapp has been kept out of science classes his entire life due to his radical parents, and was never taught that memories form in the brain.

When you are with me I'm free...I'm Careless...I believe Above all the others we'll fly This brings tears to my eyes My sacrifice

He really digs this old partner of his, and when they are in each other's arms, Scott is "free," "careless," and "believes." The third line in the stanza leaves much to interpretation. Since the language that Scott uses is very vague, we can only assume he is flying over a warehouse filled with DVDs of the Nicole Kidman movie "The Others," as opposed to flying under it. Because they are theoretically flying very fast, it is naturally causing Stapp to cry, or bring "tears" to his "eyes." The 5th line is nothing but space filler and should be disregarded.

We've seen our share of ups and downs
Oh how quickly life can turn around in an instant
It feels so good to reunite Within yourself and within your mind Let's find peace there

The "ups and downs" is a reference to the flying adventure of the last stanza. It was a very intense adventure, but also very magical. It was as if all the flying carpet scenes from Disney's Aladdin happened at the same time. But what goes up must come down. Life "turn"s around in the "instant" that Scott Stapp's alcoholism gets the better of him. Unlike some people who get angry when they are drunk, bandmates support the hypothesis that Stapp actually becomes a raging homosexual. He then forcefully has his way with the partner he has been rekindling with, who as we can see in line 6, is Jesus.

Did you know... cropping pictures is fun?


I dont know if this is actually in the song. That's how it is at, and as an old and personal friend of Billyrics, I will personally feel betrayed if he has lead me astray.

Summary and reflection - We all know of the falling out Scott Stapp had with Jesus over the years. Scott Stapp found Jesus, sitting lonely at the bar, staring down in his wine cooler. Since that faithful meeting years ago, it has been a roller coaster of angry phone calls and awkward exchanges. This song is Scott's bottled frustration towards the whole situation, and how bittersweet it all is. This is the precursor to the fall of Stapp, and this was the final nail for Jesus as he turned his back on the music world forever. That's right, Switchfoot. It's over.

Wednesday, January 23, 2008

Is modern rock a direct descendent of classic rock?

Historians have often theorized the specifics on what exactly gave birth to modern rock. At some point in 1984, catastrophic consequences wiped classic rock from the face of the earth. Some scientists believe that a warming climate was the causality, while others feel a giant asteroid, roughly the size of Montana could have contributed. The latter theory is widely disputed because at no point in 1984 did an asteroid even remotely the size of Montana collide into Earth. Furthermore, scientists feel Montana should never be used as a reference for size because “no one cool lives there.” Fortunately, anthropologists recently discovered a perfectly preserved Jefferson Starship, which they hope will eventually lead to the answer of what exactly killed off classic rock.

That being said, the question still remains: is modern rock just an evolution of rock better suited to dealing with global warming and asteroid strikes that never actually happened? And, if so, to what extent does this disprove the Christian belief that modern rock was created by a higher power?

Let us examine a picture of classic rock legend, Mick Jagger...

And then compare it to modern rock star, Billy Corgan from the Smashing Pumpkins...

The differences are obvious: Jagger has far more body hair than Corgan, while also possessing a more dominant brow as well as feet that were as dexterous as his hands. Additionally, as the picture clearly indicates, Jagger's nipples were far droopier than modern rocker Billy Corgan's.

However, both Mick Jagger and Billy Corgan know how to roll a joint, which has left many baffled at exactly how intelligent classic rockers were.

Although physically different, on the genetic level the similarities are startling. In fact, classic rockers and modern rockers have more similar genes than any other two species in existence, effectively giving the scientific community reason to believe that one did, in fact, descend from the other.

This mere theory however, has torn educational institutions, specifically American public schools, asunder. Rock creationists across America have spoken out at PTA meetings that they are not comfortable with their children learning of such "rock blasphemy." In fact, teachers are now forced to preface the rock and roll units of their biology textbooks with the fact that evolution from classic to modern rock is merely a theory, and has yet to be proven.

To answer your question, no. Based on what the bible has to say about modern rock, probably not.

Monday, January 21, 2008

Etiquette Excellence: Movie Spoilers

With everyone abuzz about the mysterious monster in Cloverfield and Oscar season coming around the corner, we thought it necessary to go over the manners you should exhibit when talking about the endings of notable movies.

Use vague terminology
- If you are talking with a few of your friends, but only one of them hasn't seen the movie, there is no reason to stop all conversation and pretend it never happened. Instead, you can use very vague language in order to insinuate what you mean when you are talking to other people. It's like how they used vague language in The Sixth Sense so you would never guess that Bruce Willis was a ghost the entire time.

Limit yourself to hype - While you shouldn't tell the person the ending of the movie, there is no law against building up a certain scene in the movie that you really enjoyed. Just dumb it down to a few words, and preface it with "dude," and end it with "that's all I'm saying." For example.

When talking about Star Wars: "Dude, you figure out who Luke's dad is, that's all I'm saying."

When talking about The Other's: "Dude, it's like the Sixth Sense, that's all I'm saying."

When talking about Fight Club: "Dude, Tyler-Durden-is-actually-a-split-personality-of-the-nameless-narrator-and-this-fact-is-
himself-to-live-at-the-house-on-paper-street.-Man,-that-movie-kicked-so-much-ass, That's all I'm saying.

When Talking about One Missed Call: "Dude, don't bother, that's all I'm saying."

Lie to them - Sometimes the best option for dealing with someone who keeps bothering you about the intricacies of a movie's plot is to out and out lie to their face about the actual events in the movie. Make up an elaborate story on the spot, much like Kevin Spacey/Keyser Soze in The Usual Suspects. If you're talking about The Crying Game, tell your friend that the girl remains the same gender throughout the entire movie. This isn't only limited to plot lines that revolve around gender confusion. Tell your friends that the main character is actually a transvestite in every movie, with obvious exceptions being TransAmerica, Sleepaway Camp, and I Am Legend.

Bear these tips in mind, and people will thank you for not spoiling the secrets of Cloverfield's giant lobster/dragon/John Madden she-male, whose climatic battle with Dumbledore is something that we will be talking about for years to come, that's all I'm saying.

Friday, January 18, 2008

Info Nugget: Eskimo Culture

Eskimos, or the Inuit, or “those Asian-looking mother-fuckers with the coats,” as they often referred to by citizens of the continental US, have a very unique way of life. What many people fail to realize is that Inuit people are Native Americans with a culture that is just as interesting as, say, that of the Cherokee or Sioux while still managing to be marginally less interesting than that of the Apache.

The Inuit language is not renowned for it’s elegance or it’s complexity, but rather the sheer frustration it causes. Like other Native Americans of a similar tribe, differences of the language differ from location to location. So different, in fact, that the same sound can mean two completely different things to Inuit from different locations. For example, the phonetic sound “inuk” means “person” to an Inuit from Greenland, but that same sound means “douche bag” to an Inuit from Canada. To make matters worse, the Inuit are a sensitive people that cry easily, so trade between distant Inuits can quickly spiral into what many scholars agree is “a totally pansy affair.”

Even though Eskimos have over 40 different words for snow, they have 400 different words for black people, effectively making them the most racist people on the planet.

Eskimo Fast Facts
  • Inuit people ride seals everywhere. For the longest time the Inuit used sleds with sled dogs to get from location to location. This was abandoned when someone discovered riding seals was way more fun.
  • Inuit currency is snow. As a result, inflation is a prime concern for the Inuit people.
  • Inuit people are scared shitless of loud noises. If frightened, they will burrow under the snow only return when they feel the coast is clear. Because of this cultural fear, music has not yet been invented by the Eskimo people.

Tuesday, January 15, 2008

Travel Guide: The Australian Outback

Due to slumping tourism, the leaders of Australia have decided to bring the the exciting experience of the Australian Outback to America, much like the boomerang, koala bear, and Crocodile Dundee before it. The Outback is now one of the top exports for Australia, but all of this replication doesn't mean that it has lost it's unique beauty. The atmosphere of each Outback is mass-produced and manufactured to be the unique beauty you would expect.

The story behind how the Outback came to be is an adventure within itself! Despite popular and well-documented belief, the geographical location of the Outback was found March 1988 by founders Chris Sullivan, Robert D. Basham, Tim Gannon and Trudy Cooper, and was shipped off into America in 2001, to coincide with the debut of Survivor: The Australian Outback. This was the third time that Australia had made a major political decision based on wanting America's approval. The first being Crocodile Dundee and his run for Secretary of State, the second being Koala Yummies and the mass koala genocide that preceded it, and the fourth being the assassination of Steve Irwin by a sting-ray/terrorist.

Here are some of the attractions to witness and take advantage of if you venture to your local Outback.

- Australian food is best known for its blend of secret spices, handmade croutons, hand cut fries, but the biggest contribution it has bestowed onto the public is a little dish called the Bloomin' Onion. In the arid air of the Outback, there is nothing that will fill your stomach as well as the Bloomin' Onion. It's also great for dipping!

- Get loaded the Australian way with the fine liquor and beer in cans that appear comically big compared to American cans. As expected, the infertile and desert land of the Outback in a great place to get completely and utterly shitfaced.

Atmosphere - Though it seems like something you would take in passively, Australia's tourism board wants to make sure that you appreciate the Outback as a "no worries" place to let go with family and friends. They implore you to come to the Outback to "relax and unwind with friendly faces, fresh food and excellent service." (Press release from Australian Outback Tourism Board) They also wish you enjoy all of the knick-knacks you would assume to find in the barren Australian Outback: "boomerangs, surfboards, maps and flags."

Due to the sheer size of the Outback, you will be forced to realize that you cannot see all "6,000 square feet featuring dining room and an island bar" in one day. Unfortunately, their are no hotels in the Outback, so you will have to settle for the Holiday Inn right down the street, past the hardware store, and in the same parking lot as Lone Star.

Monday, January 14, 2008

Way to Wellness: Telltale signs that she’s pregnant

Fellow men, babies ruin everything. Whether they’re crying at the movie theater or stretching out a perfectly good vagina, one thing is clear: they are out to get us. If you suspect your lady has a bun in the oven, look for the following indicators:

Increased aggression. Pregnant women are typically hormonal which can translate into more aggressive behavior. While you can certainly just wait for an incidence of aggression, sometimes one just doesn’t have time to play the waiting game. To test the waters, tell your potentially pregnant wife/girlfriend that you’re leaving her for that really ugly friend she has and that you also burned her most prized possessions after eBaying her mom. If she tries to stab you, she’s totally pregnant.

Vulnerability to UV rays. Pregnant women are susceptible to UV rays to varying degrees. In most cases, brief to moderate exposure to the sun won’t cause much discomfort, so it’s hard to test the variable in a real life situation. Treat your significant other to a day at the tanning salon. Once she begins bronzing in a tanning bed, sit on it so she can’t get out. If she starts showing signs of discomfort, it’s very possible she’s preggers.

Morning sickness. Pregnant women often suffer from morning sickness, which causes vomiting. Vomiting can be par for the course if you, like many men, normally sneak medication into her food that induces vomiting. If you grow wary of a pregnancy, this would be a good time to stop spiking her breakfast with emetics and see if the puking continues.

Increased abdomen size. This is a sign that, by itself, doesn’t cause much cause for alarm. Increased abdomen size is something that happens to both men and women alike. It even occurs naturally in fat girls, and you know they ain’t pregnant. Use this indicator with caution.

Friday, January 11, 2008

Famous Manatees

Daniel "Shampoo" O'Connor - Daniel broke the color barrier in underwater baseball. He was an icon to the community in both his athletic ability and what he represented in future racial understanding. He became a spokesperson for the underwater civil rights movement, which was a lot like America's civil rights movement. Just, you know, underwater. During a stirring speech, he was cut down in his prime by a rouge motorboat engine.

Ingrid Sax - A protester who fought for the female manatee's right to vote. This caused quite an uproar that ultimately ended her life. While the high counsel agreed to give women manatees the right to vote, they also stipulated that they would have to use different booths from the men. Ms. Sax is documented as the first women to enter a voting booth, but sadly not the first to vote, as the ballot was replaced with a motorboat engine. It is from this event where many manatees received the impression that motorboat engines hate change.

Though normally gentle giants, manatees do not know history, and more often then not repeat it.

Cletus Rubinstein - Celebrity came to this manatee after his death at age 7. He was loved in his pack of manatees, till tragedy struck. Thinking that the shadow from above was of a possible friend, he raced towards to what he thought was a bubbling mouth. He then became the poster child for motorboat engine awareness and a marketable mascot to kids. The kid manatees became so infatuated with Cletus that they too started running into motorboat engines, giving the community a fresh dose of irony.

John Rubinstein - A businessman and philanthropist, Rubinstein only crafted things that would better the quality of life for his fellow manatees. After losing his son and noting the high, steady amount of motorboat engine deaths, Rubinstein went to work on inventing the helmet. In a demonstration to the high counsel, he himself tested the effectiveness by donning the helmet and telling his assistant to start the unharnessed motorboat engine. After losing his assistant and being incarcerated for accidentally killing 5 out of 9 members of the high counsel, he began working on using the motorboat engine as weapon instead of an enemy. Upon being released from prison, he immediately started mass-producing personal motorboat engines for self-defense. Surprisingly, the crime-rate dropped, but ironically, so did John.

Wednesday, January 9, 2008

How do I make sure my kids believe in Santa?

Children today are a different breed. They are smarter than previous generations. No longer can we easily control them using carrots tied to sticks. This increase in analytical skill in children is normally a good thing. However, come Christmas time, kids run a huge risk of ruining the magic of Christmas for everyone.

Parenting circa 1950.

Psychologically condition your children to fear an absence of Santa. It is one thing to have your children believe in Santa, but it’s far more empowering as a parent to have your children mentally associate an absence of him with tragedy. There are many ways to do this. One example is to hang a picture of him in your child’s room. On random days, remove the picture and hide it somewhere. On the days your child is without the picture, call a family meeting and stab your spouse with a fake knife. Employ lots of screaming and fake blood to make it believable. Soon your son or daughter will realize no Santa means mommy gets stabbed.

Note: This method does not require you to be married. Single parents can work out a deal with the mailman so that he “breaks in” and “brutally stabs you” on days that best fit your schedule.

Emphasize the sheer stopping power of Santa’s reindeer. Take your child and one of his/her friends to a Reindeer farm. While there, do everything in your power to start a stampede. If someone gets hurt, takes lots of pictures and have your child make a collage to hang in his room.

Dispel untruths about the chimney. Children are often skeptical of how such a large man manages to slide down a chimney to deliver presents. Explain to your child that it actually involves no magic whatsoever. To prove your point, repeatedly drop your child through the chimney. If your house does not have a chimney, tell your child that Santa can phase through walls in the same way they cannot. This of course, should be followed by a lengthy demonstration.

Monday, January 7, 2008

How do I get myself to wake up early?

Here are various factoids and methods on how you can get yourself out of bed in the morning in a most timely fashion:

Native American Indians believed that if you drank seven glasses of water before you went to bed, you would wake up early. Then again, they also believed that the American's were good on their word, so take this with a grain of salt.

Set an alarm, and set it for 10 minutes before when you want to be woken up. Leave your friend's house and sleep until he calls you very pissed off.

Before going to bed, try to find something to look forward to in the next day's events. Point out a lunch that you are looking forward to eating, or an attractive coworker you would like talking to. If all else falls, promise yourself masturbation if you wake up by a certain time. That way, everybody wins.

Start a small fire in the basement of your house. Try to start it in the corner furthest from your bedroom. Then, dismantle all the fire alarms but the one closest to you. Then sleep with great ease knowing that you will wake up from a deafening alarm, warning you that your house is burning down. Luckily, you might be up early enough to put it out!

Friday, January 4, 2008

Etiquette Excellence: Understanding the hierarchy of a commercial fishing ship

Although there are places were etiquette is extremely important (fancy dinner parties, gun range, etc.), there are few places were etiquette is more crucial than a commercial fishing boat. Commercial fishermen are a tradition-loving people and adhere to a unique hierarchy when at sea. Failure to respect the hierarchy is extremely disrespectful for everyone on board. However, despite their appearance, commercial fishermen are a kind folk and a failure to respect their way of life will not cause you to be subject to any kind of violence, but they will give you a disappointed look and that’s a lot worse.

Anyway, here’s how the hierarchy breaks down, starting at the top:

The captain – Although the captain posses the highest position of authority on the boat, the position is not without its drawbacks. In order to become a captain, a sailor must lose his father at sea. This is typically inevitable for a son of a sailor, but for an aspiring captain whose father is say, an accountant, achieving the status of captain can be difficult. In these cases, it’s not uncommon for sailors to lure their fathers out to sea on father-son fishing trips and then club them like baby seals.

First mate – Subordinate to only the captain, there are some cases where the first mate is allowed to exercise power over the captain. Whenever the first mate feels like it, he can tell the captain to “do it.” At which point, the captain is forced to tell that story everyone loves and if anyone new walks in on the story telling before the captain finishes, he has to start all over again.

Guy with least amount of limbs – The fisherman on board with the least amount of limbs is put above the others according to the “sucks to be him” clause in the Fishermen’s Handbook.

Box filled with orange life preservers – When at sea, safety is a necessity. As such, in the case of a capsized ship, all fishermen subordinate to the guy with the least amount of limbs are expected to sacrifice themselves to keep the box afloat in the frigid waters.

Obligatory dog on the boat – A dog helps keep morale up. If a crew does not own a dog, they have to pretend like they do. This is often accomplished by scolding each other randomly for forgetting to feed Eddie. All fishermen are big Frasier fans, so all dogs are named Eddie.

Tuesday, January 1, 2008

Writing Workshop: Writing the "About the Author"

Not many people know this, but the person who writes the "About the author" section on book jackets is actually the author himself! But you cannot just write anything about yourself and have people believe you. This is partly due to me telling the world just two sentences ago that the paragraph in your book glorifying you is actually written by you, and I apologize for that. So here is how you fool them into thinking that your description is the rare exception to the pretty much common knowledge idea that it is written by you, to glorify you.

Stick to facts - The trick is to not say anything that cannot be disproven. Birthplace and birth year are a good place to start the description. You can spout out your accomplishments, but try not to exaggerate. Think of something related to your writing or the book, or that one time you were drunk and you ate a live chipmunk. Man, that was pretty cool. You should tell everyone that story.

Be picky - You might talk about your success in earning a ribbon in the 5th grade spelling bee. However, many people get ribbons in their 5th grade spelling bees. Why should we, as readers, give a fuck? Though you are being truthful, you are not offering anything new to the biography party. Gopher eating, however, is a very unique subject that will make you jump off the page. If you do not have any decent chipmunk eating stories, you can always fill it with peace prizes and journalistic accolades.

Use your history of ingesting furry woodland creatures - I mean, that story is one of the only stories you can tell well. You might as well use that to your advantage and make people think the rest of the book will be that good. I mean, you wrote the "About the author" section after all.