It has come to my attention that my expertise, as well as that of my colleague Leon Firestone, has been missed.
I realize our absence was problematic for some. Even though we live in a digital age that supplies a practically infinite source of information to answer most questions, there are some things that only Leon and I are equipped to explain. Admittedly, this realization should have come sooner, but I am proud to announce that we are back.
As part of our triumphant return, we would like to answer some of the most common concerns that have amassed in our inbox during our absence:
· It is reasonable to assume dogs hate being sprayed with mace as much as people.
· There was never a pirate named “Shit Beard.”
· Although we personally don’t agree, we do understand how unicorns could be erotic from certain angles.
As an order of business: we are not interested in reading your screenplay. You know who you are.
We would also like to thank Kenneth Scott for helping us realize the error of our ways. I would also like to let Kenneth know that I’m still angry with him for convincing Leon not to drink that thermometer. That shit would have been hilarious.
Rest assured, the time spent away from The Guide has granted us a wealth of knowledge that we are very eager to share.
I’ll give you a hint: it involves manatees.