Famous Killing Machines: Henry David Thoreau

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.

Henry David Thoreau and his "Civil Disembowelment"

Over(KILL)view
Thoreau is known as a transcendentalist, a famous writer, and for taking his last stand in a giant wooden cart filled with gunpowder and rage. After writing Walden and Civil Disobedience, he saw that the return to nature he wanted the American public to take would never happen, and that the taxes he told them not to pay were paid in full. This made Henry David Thoreau angry. He started to write another essay, which remained unfinished. Here is an excerpt:

On All of You Guys Being Douchebags

Seriously? I'm trying to put myself out there and get everyone to not support a government that supports war, and you're just gonna keep paying taxes? Great. I'm glad I stayed up all fucking night writing that. In fact, I'm so happy I spent all that time on Walden pond, since none of you cockasses are going to take this seriously. Do you have any idea all the shit I had to go through up there? I had no outside contact except to go to my mother's every other Sunday. My only human contact was MY MOTHER. Can you even fucking imagine doing that? No, you can't, because you never had the stones to live in a fucking cabin, on a pond, in a forest, away from society, to show everyone how amazing nature is. And it is. But you wouldn't know, because you are all a big ol' dicks.

MURDER and taxes
It was soon after this he started creating his killing machine. It was his goal to make people aware of his writings by killing them. In their death, he made sure that they did not pay their taxes ever again. This was to stick it to the man, and also set an example for their family and friends. The message of "Henry David Thoreau is gonna fuck you up."

Being a transcendentalist by nature (GET IT?), The killing machine was naturally (GET IT?) made of wood. It was bulky, bipedal, and had many layers of wood to protect Thoreau from various musketballs. The machine was outfitted with two giant saws on both of it's arms, and a pair of scissors on its head. There was also some slits in the torso of the machine, as it was Thoreau's plan to set fireworks off from this part as a last resort.

Like this, but only if he were to bear children with Wood Man.

THOREAU-LY dead
His master plan did not work out so well. He imagined that, because of the war in Mexico, the law-enforcement of his town would be lacking. However, because everyone did not read his essays and continued to pay their taxes, the law-enforcement was even more plentiful. This means by the fourth house that he had broken into, there was already 5 officers following him, and continuously hitting him with batons. The killing machine was cumbersome, and when he tried to swing his saw-arms at the police, they would just step out of the way, knowing that it would take another 5 minutes for Throeau to build up the strength to swing again. Annoyed, Thoreau tried to lit off his fireworks and shoot them out of his torso, but this proved fatal for Thoreau, as his clothes were made entirely of gunpowder.

John Wayne LEGACY
Emerson tried to do a similar thing, but the "Self-Killiance" never really took his town by storm. As such, he injected himself with pneumonia and died. The clothing explosion of Thoreau cost the lives of four police officers. In commemoration of this and to make sure that nothing like this happened again, the nation started destroying nature.

Famous Killing Machines: Jules Sylvester

The Killdozer was a giant piece of drivable metal that was created by a man who was fed up with society around him (aka, Granby, Colorado). While we have to refer to the physical manifestation of the vehicle in past tense, the idea and spirit of the Killdozer has been alive since the dawning of man. Ever since there has been a society, there has been a man who has had enough of it and tried to make a killing machine as a last stand. I feel that the healthiest way to educate people about these anti-social cutouts is to describe them in the most glorious way possible. That way, the young kids who read this entry will develop a sense of irony or kill us all.
Jules Sylvester and his Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle

Humble Beheadings
Jules was born in 1875, a decade after the brother killing days of the Civil War were over. This does not mean anything though, as Jules Sylvester killed his brother when he was 7 years old in what appeared to be a horse and buggy accident. Jules was wrought with guilt, and with no one to talk to, he left his house and started his apprenticeship as a shoe cobbler... little did he know that, like these shoes, he would eventually be walking over/on his small Georgian town!

The shoe industry was booming, and by the time that Jules was 13, he started his own business. While he was not personable, he was still a teenager and felt that a business named "Boner Shoes" would have great success. Naturally, according to the Boner Theory of Business or BTOB, his shoes flew off the shelf and he became one of the wealthiest teenagers in his neighborhood. This caught the eye of town cougar Ingrid Belfone, and soon the two were hitched... But what would become unhitched WAS JULES'S GRASP OF SOCIETY

Every crisis comes with an oppurDOOMity
While the century turned, Jules Sylvester was making enough just to get by. When his wife and son died tragically during a dreadful but comical-in-retrospect piano moving accident, Jules could not get his life back together. He continued to cobble shoes, but the market was dwindling due to a recent court ruling that banned shoes, put into motion by the elected mayor and pot-belly pig, Hamilton Hamhock.

In every story of a man pushed to the edge, a face needs to be tied to the evils in society. In Taxi Driver, it was the politician. In Falling Down, it was breakfast menus. To Jules Slyvester, it was that adorable and city-ruling prize hog... But what he didn't know, is that "city-ruling" would soon turn into "BLOODY GRUELING!"

May Impair your Ability to OperHATE Machinery
Using the spare parts of shoes he had lying around his workshop, Jules went to work on an unstoppable suit that he could wear while extracting his revenge on the sinister, yet delicious, Georgian mayor. What he settled on was what looked like a deep sea diving suit, but with meathooks for hands and flamethrowers for nipples. He named it the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, because he believed it would cause mass bloodshed and was a sign for the changing of times. Also, he admitted that it sounded pretty fly.

His rampage through the streets of town lasted a little over three hours. Abandoning school and not being taught of all the famous killing machines we can recite by heart today, he made a lot of rookie mistakes. The arm joints took way to much effort to move, and walking just 7 steps completely winded Jules for five minutes. Neighborhood kids started throwing pennies at him, and somewhat worried neighbors nonchalantly got back into their homes and read by their windows, occasionally looking up to see the Gore Oracle. Jules died in the suit three hours after getting into it from dehydration. His dead body stood in the middle of the road for three weeks until anyone noticed.

The legend SHIVS on!
Hamilton Hamhock spun Jules' death march as a salute to the mayor for a job well done. As a result, a statue was created in his honor. Since their are no burial records for Jules, it is widely believed they just dumped the Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle, with his body intact, into concrete. The lore of the town states that it is cursed, and since the statue's presence, every pig mayor of the town has faced grisly, scrumptious deaths.

This story of Jules and Ingrid later became the inspiration for every hot mom anecdote we have today. We can see an allusion to the suit in The Graduate, and the actual statue of Jules Sylvester's Fantasmagorical Gore Oracle has a cameo in Porky's.