Info Nugget: Christmas in July

Originally created by the German composer Wilhelm Richard Wagner at some point between his birth and death, Christmas in July appears to be another opportunity during the year to empower people with the Christmas spirit. In reality, however, Wagner’s intentions were not so pure.

In all actuality, Wagner was an anti-Semite and created the holiday because he was disappointed that the normal Christmas in December (often referred to as “vanilla Christmas” or “Christmas”) only alienated Jews from the gift-giving process once a year. He hoped that by having two Christmases a year he would be able to weaken the foundation of Jewish faith.

Unfortunately for Wagner, he was unsuccessful. The Jewish people in Europe did not feel alienated by the second Christmas, and actually felt even better about their faith because they got watch all their Christian friends deal with the bullshit that is gift receipts twice a year. Not to mention all the wrapping they didn’t have to do. That shit sucks.

Christmas in July in America
Not aware of the holiday’s original cruel intentions, President William McKinley made Christmas in July a recognized holiday in 1904. Nonetheless, the holiday was adopted with a few twists. Just like how New Orleans’s culture was born from a fusion of French, African, and hurricane influences, Christmas in July in America comes from a similar fusion of blind patriotism and love for baby Jesus.

Ways to celebrate
There are two acceptable ways to celebrate Christmas in July:

1. Celebrate like you would any normal Christmas, but at the end of the night shoot fireworks at the Christmas tree while chanting “USA! USA! USA!”

2. Go door to door singing, but instead of Christmas carols sing “Proud To Be An American” by Lee Greenwood. Or “Boys Don’t Cry” by The Cure. I really like that song. End your night by shooting fireworks into the tree while chanting the three magical letters that stand for freedom.

Why should I celebrate?
There’s fucking fireworks and presents! Who doesn’t like fireworks? And presents! Why wouldn’t you want to celebrate it? You’re not…gay… are you?

If you are, I won’t tell anyone. Do your parents know? Ah, I see. Don’t worry! I will be your rock. Together, you and I will weather this storm. Together.

Where did Reaganomics come from?

Ronald Reagan, often heralded by conservatives as one of the most shining examples of the Republican Party, is, as you might expect, responsible for the economic policies aptly titled “Reaganomics.” Reagan himself did not like the term “Reaganomics” and would have preferred to go with his original choice of “operation ass-kick.” The name was later changed when Secretary of State Alexander Haig showed Reagan the clause in the constitution that stated “It is an unjust use of the executive privilege to make policies that have the word 'ass' in the title.”

Many do not realize that the inspiration for Reaganomics did not come from economic theory. The trickle-down theory, a defining characteristic of Reaganomics, which operates under the assumption that upper class spending will later benefit the lower income classes, was actually forged one gloomy July day in 1979. On this day, Reagan woke up from a reoccurring nightmare where he dreamt he attended the first day of school naked and everyone was consequently eaten by wolves because of his nakedness. His wife, seeing him visibly shaken, gave him a hug before he left the house.

Nancy Reagan had no idea what she had just unleashed.

Reagan felt his mood so improved by the simple gesture, he felt he should share the wealth. In a hug-frenzy, he began to embrace random people on the street. These people, instead of screaming or socking Reagan in his creepy leathery face, were immediately afflicted with a similar need to hug people. Happiness spread like wildfire and for one moment, albeit fleeting, everyone in America was simultaneously happy as a result of this Pay it Forward-esq lovefest. Today, that day is commemorated when we celebrate Bastille Day or Talk-Like-A-Pirate day or one of those gay-ass holidays.

When Reagan took office, he was faced with high levels of inflation and an equally high unemployment rate. This is when Reagan realized money works in the same way hugs do.

Except in this case, the wealthy have all the hugs.

And they would have to do a lot of hugging to make a difference.

And the hugs would take an extremely long time to show any positive effects.

So long in fact, many would argue that the trickle-down theory has never worked, nor will it ever work.

And you can’t buy prostitutes with hugs.