Public Outcry: How it's made: Turkey Killing Machines

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

The Query: how do turkey killing machines work?

Our Response: "How It's Made: Turkey Killing Machines"

The Survival Guide still has a pending lawsuit with the Discovery Channel due to the likeliness of their show "How It's Made" has to our world-renowned reoccurring segment, also called "How It's Made." Mr. Jones said that he would organize a case against them with everything he's learned from People's Court. He said he was going to go to the court, and he left the office humming the theme song, so I knew he was focused about law. Then he came back 3 hours later covered in blood and screaming. Just screaming. Not trying to say anything or respond to me. Just screaming.

Regardless, we are waiting for Discovery to apologize and change the name of their show to something more fitting, like "How these things are done," "Makin' stuff," " or "The Survival Guide to Everyday Life Presents How It's Made."

Anyhow, Turkey Killing Machines? This query is quite a broad subject, so I believe the querier is looking for either turkeys that are killing machines, or killing machines that have been made by turkeys. For the latter, I would direct you towards the documentary Chicken Run, as it showcases some of the Chicken technology and Mel Gibson. If you are researching the former, then still watch Chicken Run. It is such a good film.

In hindsight, I wish the query was "Please tell me all about how the Discovery Channel is run by two-bit idiots." I was riding that rage, then some guy just HAD to know turkey killing shit. I mean, I love the Discovery Channel. Shark week is marked on all of my calendars, with the day before marked "Stock up on booze, drugs and women." The Survival Guide office throws a soiree of sorts. It's all very high class and revolves around the longest running week dedicated to sharks on cable television.

But Mythbusters? The show based around our own penchant towards the world and my Walrus-'tache? It's amazing they aren't giving us money for that idea, but they aren't because that case was thrown out by the judge. Or at least that's what Mr. Jones said. Well, wrote. On the wall. In his own blood. I'm starting to think that law is not his thing.

Where did Reaganomics come from?

Ronald Reagan, often heralded by conservatives as one of the most shining examples of the Republican Party, is, as you might expect, responsible for the economic policies aptly titled “Reaganomics.” Reagan himself did not like the term “Reaganomics” and would have preferred to go with his original choice of “operation ass-kick.” The name was later changed when Secretary of State Alexander Haig showed Reagan the clause in the constitution that stated “It is an unjust use of the executive privilege to make policies that have the word 'ass' in the title.”

Many do not realize that the inspiration for Reaganomics did not come from economic theory. The trickle-down theory, a defining characteristic of Reaganomics, which operates under the assumption that upper class spending will later benefit the lower income classes, was actually forged one gloomy July day in 1979. On this day, Reagan woke up from a reoccurring nightmare where he dreamt he attended the first day of school naked and everyone was consequently eaten by wolves because of his nakedness. His wife, seeing him visibly shaken, gave him a hug before he left the house.

Nancy Reagan had no idea what she had just unleashed.

Reagan felt his mood so improved by the simple gesture, he felt he should share the wealth. In a hug-frenzy, he began to embrace random people on the street. These people, instead of screaming or socking Reagan in his creepy leathery face, were immediately afflicted with a similar need to hug people. Happiness spread like wildfire and for one moment, albeit fleeting, everyone in America was simultaneously happy as a result of this Pay it Forward-esq lovefest. Today, that day is commemorated when we celebrate Bastille Day or Talk-Like-A-Pirate day or one of those gay-ass holidays.

When Reagan took office, he was faced with high levels of inflation and an equally high unemployment rate. This is when Reagan realized money works in the same way hugs do.

Except in this case, the wealthy have all the hugs.

And they would have to do a lot of hugging to make a difference.

And the hugs would take an extremely long time to show any positive effects.

So long in fact, many would argue that the trickle-down theory has never worked, nor will it ever work.

And you can’t buy prostitutes with hugs.