How do I sneak items into a prison?

Our prison system is nothing to scoff at. Yes, we still have repeat offenders and you taxpayers still have to dump a lot of money into it, but that does not mean that it isn't well-maintained. Rather, prisons are surprisingly strict institutions which make you shower naked with other men. I know this, because I once served something that people might call "tough time" in the "bird house." I am an ex-con, but I am not here to gloat about it. I concede that my actions were wrong and I will never again call the bluff of the MLB and Upper Deck by creating my own trading cards. Nevertheless, my time in the "puke" was made much better by my friends and family who would try their best to sneak items in from the outland (a term that me and my prison kin used, meaning: the outside.)

Note: I do not advocate the use of items that can potentially break someone out of jail or end lives. If you read this and sneak in some malicious items into the "Big pot," I will personally distance myself from you and contact major broadcasting companies to tell them how stupid you are. I am here to be an assistant to help you, not break the law and cause distress to the fine guards at the "CitiBank of Broken Dreams"

The Cake
This is an old standby, and largely because it is perfectly practical in everyway. Simply bake whatever item the imprisoned loved one wants into a delicious cake and send it over. Guards never expect this, because they naturally associate cake with good tidings and legality. Also, they do not want to impose in checking or wanding the cake, as it might seem as if they are jealous that the prisoner has it so good!*

*Until the guards throw him a blanket party after lights out. It might seem harsh, but harsh is what "The Moint" is all about, kid.

Items that can be hidden
Harmonica - Is your friend a blues singer? Then this seems natural.
Recorders - Both the audio equipment and the musical instrument.
A file - NOT to make their nails pointy and knife-like, but to make sure they look nice.

The Basement
This one is limited to conjugal visits, mainly because it is hard to pull of in any other way, and trying it with anyone within your family that isn't your spouse might seem strange and unsettlingly arousing. Simply use the pockets that God gave you in order to sneak items past guards. If this feels uncomfortable at first, then you obviously have not been in prison for that long. My time spent serving at "The Ballpit" for in-fielder's trading has netted me a sphincter the diameter of a croquet ball.

Items that can be hidden
Croquet ball - Elasticity pending, and it makes a nice trophy to show to your friends
Bag of shampoo - Much like food on airlines, prison shampoo is widely regarded by stand-up comedians as the worst out there. Might as well live a little with the good stuff.
Crowbar - Only if it's a comfort item of the prisoner and would improve his quality of life by having it around.

Trout
This only implies to prisons that operate in Australia and near the Indian Ocean. Also, prisons who mainly hold inmates that are fish who have committed crimes against other fish. The upside of using a fish to sneak in contraband is that he will blend in with the rest of the fish and won't raise suspicion. Now you might think that you will never use this, but crazier things have happened. Remember that time a guy gave a lottery ticket to his waitress and it ended up being a winner so they both became millionaires? Exactly.

What items can be hidden
Algae - It is more nutrious than people give it credit for.
Fish bones - To use as toothpicks or currency
Chainsaw - For cutting down trees.

What do you guys know about the Democratic candidates? Please, tell us what to think!

Here at the guide, we’ve tried very hard to avoid the current political scene, as it offers little to nothing in the way of our interests (manatees, Pat Boone, Space Jam). However, my associate Leon Firestone informed me that as a member of the blogosphere, it is time for me to man up and blog about the democratic candidates.

I was not familiar with the term “blogosphere.” He informed me that it was a parallel world, much like our own, except people use jpegs of Lolcats as currency. I pointed out that sounds a lot like DC Comics’ 12-issue run of Crisis of Infinite Earths. He then retorted that no one in the DC Universe uses pictures of lolcats to buy and sell goods. He punctuated this remark by calling me a retard and hitting me with a SeaWorld paperweight.

Which, by the way, I think is a bit hypocritical. Leon has never been to SeaWorld.

So here I am, bleeding profusely because a marble bust of Shamu has gouged the area above my eyebrow. A normal man would have faltered and went to the ER, but I have a deadline to meet regardless of how many marble dorsal fin injuries I sustain.

So I will start by addressing those asking themselves, “I don’t care about the democratic primaries, why should I learn about Obama and Hilary?”

Word on the street is that Dan Brown (author of The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, and a collection of a bunch of shitty poems his creative writing teacher in college likes to look at when he’s feeling depressed), is writing a new political thriller about the stalemate in the Democratic primary where it turns out that Obama and Hilary are not only the same person but also the Dalai Lama, who, believe it or not, has been corrupted by the Catholic Church and is hoping to use the resources that come with the presidency to make a bomb that is fueled by Karma.

So by knowing the truth about the candidates, you can effectively:

• Call shenanigans on Dan Brown

• Make fun of people at parties that like Dan Brown

At this point, I would like note that quite an alarming amount of blood is pooling on and around my keyboard.

Barack Obama
Life Story
Standing at over nine feet tall, Obama is the tallest man to ever run for president in addition to being the sixth blackest man to run. His book, The Audacity of Hope, retells his struggle of coping with his freakishly tall stature. One chapter in particular is especially heartwarming. It tells of time that Obama, during an especially sunny day, went on a lonesome walk after being made fun of for his height. On this walk he met a small albino man and by utilizing his great height, cast a shadow so great that it shielded the man from the dangerous UV rays.

Political platform

• Obama feels that neither evolution of creationism should be taught in schools. Instead, that particular chapter in biology will be replaced with a quantitative look at why Obama is so charming

• He also feels something should be done about health care, abortion, same sex marriage, Iraq, and people that pop their collars.

Hilary Clinton

Life Story

Not much is known about Hilary, except people often compare her stone-faced expressions to that of a robot. Although a typical political figure might try to then humanize themselves by doing something creepy like crying in public, Hilary has gone in the opposite direction and has had her left leg replaced with a bionic one. It is this writer’s opinion that a middle-aged woman with a bionic limb is way more intimidating then a really tall black guy. After all, who knows what kind of bionic functions that leg could hold?

Political platform

• It might involve taxes.

Despite all the blood loss I am starting to feel a little better. Although for the life of me I can’t remember my train of thought and I can’t help but notice I lack the cognitive abilities to reread what I have already wrote. As such, I will end this in a way I have always wanted: with pictures of Bill Murray:



Related Guide Entries
Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. Is he dead?
Where the fuck is the nearest hospital?
How do I replace an associate if, strictly hypothetically, he might die as a result of my actions?

How do I effectively play Jenga?

Jenga, the game of global domination, has become popular at both swanky parties and politcal war rooms. Transcending the title of kid's toy, Jenga is now on the forefront of our world's foreign affairs, as many disputes are settled with games of Jenga. It started locally with the creation of the Homestead Act, and became very important to Lincoln in a clutch game against Robert E. Lee. This was Lincoln's plan all along, as he foresaw a possible showdown and knew that Robert E. Lee had shaky hands. Hands that would later prove to be the downfall of the Confederate Army. After mending the divided house, Jenga became the trendy way to solve disputes big or small and was assimilated into foreign policy decades later by the League of Nations. It has put many international quarrels to rest and accomplished many missions, like the Cold War, The Cuban Missile Crisis, and the Iraq War. In fact, the Cold War Jenga games hold the record for the most expansive game board assembled, and actually split East and Western Germany with it's small wooden blocks of diplomacy.

As you can see, not knowing how to win at Jenga is not only a social faux-pas, but also an inhibitor to freedom fighting. We need more people now to be able to approach Jenga with a tactile mind, because United States citizens are like blocks, and if enough of us are taken out, and stacked on top without any effort to balance itself, and the people we're playing against keeps saying "Jeeeeenga" over and over again and it really gets on our nerves, then we will fall as a nation. And a nation is hard to stack up again, even with that plastic guide they give you that usually does more harm than good.

Identify load-bearing blocks
In any building, there are somethings you just should not touch. Besides fire alarms, the muffin on the floor, and that secretary that seems just out of college but is actually the boss's 15 year old daughter, buildings have a structure that needs to be maintained for stability. If this structure is toyed with, it will undoubtedly kill many people. This is the same with Jenga, as some blocks can ruin the integrity of the tower, and that it can lead to many deaths, as seen in the game Russia V. Stalin. Identify these blocks by doing preliminary pokes at blocks of interest. If the block does not move, then move onto one you think might. Remember this saying: "If it don't budge, don't buy the fudge." In this rhyme, the fudge stands for compromise.

The Mental Game
Thomas Edison once said that the game of Jenga is 1% perspiration, 99% your mother jokes. While this was proven wrong in the game Japan V. Fat Man & Little Boy, there is still a grain of truth to it. Jenga on a diplomatic level is about psyching your opponent into making bad decisions. Since events at my Junior Prom has made me an expert in bad decisions, I contest that success in Jenga relies on putting yourself into making the opponent confused and hopefully shaken to their core, to where they will forget my previously-stated, yet infectious, jingle. What usually works best in international situations is using ugly stereotypes. They are cheap and cut to the core of your opponent. What gets tricky is trying to think what horrible things you can say to possibly underdeveloped stereotyped opponents like Luxemberg and Madagascar.

If smack talk is not your thing, there is silent intimidation, which involves intense staring. If you are feeling extra saucy, try grabbing your opponents leg at inopportune times, and then slowly working your way up to enhance your odds. You can also constantly, yet gradually go in for a kiss that rarely connects. This does not make you gay, as you are doing this on behalf of America (lesser known loophole in Gay Rules).

House Rules
Take a page out of Lincoln's book. He knew Robert E. Lee blew at Jenga, so why can't you twist things in your favor? Claim that where you play, you do not stack blocks on top after they are removed from the tower. Your opponent will begrudgingly accept your claim, and play by your rules. Now that you have gained his trust, you can create rules to further your advantage, like throwing those discarded blocks at him while he is examining what blocks he will/will not buy fudge from. He might implore you to stop, but previous agreements are binding, and he is gonna be pelted with wooden blocks for a long time. This idea of house rules is still a controversial tactic, which is why the decision from the game of Roe V. Wade remains as relevant now as it did when Roe turned the tables and won by being the first one to count to five after the tower was knocked down, and immediately followed up with a victory abortion.

How do I effectively use public protest to get what I want?

Effective picketing is a great bargaining tool to have in your arsenal. Enough people picketing for the same cause communicates two distinct messages: 1) that you and your fellow picketers are only one rogue rock throw from becoming an angry mob and are not to be fucked with and 2) you possess the ability to make signs, which only reiterates the fact you are not to be fucked with.

I’m pretty sure Tony Ja made a sign once, and I saw him kick like four guys through a door once. Not four guys at once, unfortunately, but it was still pretty cool.

Many of my most prized possessions (my first two marriages, my segway, and my freedom, to name only three) have been obtained by the use of picketing. And although the benefits are obvious, there are certain dangers. Picketing, much like fire dancing or riding a unicycle, is only beneficial when done well.

Everyone has seen a strike or something to that capacity on the news. You may have probably noticed that these groups use chants to convey their wants. Sometime these chants rhyme or contain phrases like “Mr. Jones is not licensed to operate a mammogram, don’t go in there!” No matter the chant though, make sure everyone is chanting the same thing. You would be amazed how many picket lines have failed to garner the appropriate attention in the eye of the public because only half of the picketers grew tired of the same chants over and over again and instead opted to yell lyrics from "Boys Don’t Cry" by The Cure, only to grow quickly bored of that, and yell dialog from the movie Boys Don’t Cry starring Hilary Swank.

Location is also a key factor you have to consider when picketing. Although common sense might tell you to picket outside a location relevant to your cause, it should be noted that common sense is only used by street urchins and latchkey kids, both of which don’t know a damn thing about picketing.

Instead picket in a location that simply has the most people. If you know that thousands of people will be running a marathon to raise money for cancer research, seriously consider relocating. Now you may be thinking, “A bunch of people trying to raise money for cancer seems like a poor place for me to yell about my thoughts on abortion, doesn’t it?” It’s my duty to tell you you’re wrong; more people watching you picket means more material gain.

Lastly, protests are good places to pick up women with nose rings, which, if I remember correctly, are slowly beginning to have more value than the American dollar.

Public Outcry: Why do girls act like their shit doesn't smell?

Now is the time that we give something back to the community. When someone does a Google search and they happen upon The Survival Guide, we can read what they searched for. However, some of the things people search for are not answered on our site, so this is our way of helping out the answer-seekers, one by one.

This lovely query for Public Outcry comes from an aggravated school boy from New York. He writes:

"Why do girls act like there shit doesn't smell"

Now aggravated school boy from New York, aside from a few grammatical errors, you bring up a good question. Do you remember when the teachers split your class into groups of boys and girls and made you watch different videos? What you are about to learn will negate that protection of childhood innocence.

Your answer dates back to the hunter and gatherer caveman days. Because they were constantly being attacked by sabretooth tigers, dinosaurs, woolly mammoths, and other old things, men and women were constantly on the move. In an effort to not leave any trails behind, men adapted to carrying heavy weight so he could lift everything they owned, and women adapted to not pooping. It seems childish, but Darwin streamlined the female body to completely go without any sort of bowels. So aggravated school boy from New York? You are wrong on sooo many levels.

Instead of what us males know as the stomach and the large/small intestines, the female digestive system consists of a series of cogs and conveyor belts which run on the steam of boiled blood. When a female eats food, it is swallowed and thrown in between two cogs that are at the end of the esophagus. From there, the food is put on a conveyor belt that wraps around the insides of the female. This is where tiny versions of the female inspect the food item and make sure it is digestible.

After quality assurance is taken care of, the food flows into small pipes and are kept moving by the blood's steam. It is expelled through sweat, crying, and womanly times.