How do I effectively use public protest to get what I want?

Effective picketing is a great bargaining tool to have in your arsenal. Enough people picketing for the same cause communicates two distinct messages: 1) that you and your fellow picketers are only one rogue rock throw from becoming an angry mob and are not to be fucked with and 2) you possess the ability to make signs, which only reiterates the fact you are not to be fucked with.

I’m pretty sure Tony Ja made a sign once, and I saw him kick like four guys through a door once. Not four guys at once, unfortunately, but it was still pretty cool.

Many of my most prized possessions (my first two marriages, my segway, and my freedom, to name only three) have been obtained by the use of picketing. And although the benefits are obvious, there are certain dangers. Picketing, much like fire dancing or riding a unicycle, is only beneficial when done well.

Everyone has seen a strike or something to that capacity on the news. You may have probably noticed that these groups use chants to convey their wants. Sometime these chants rhyme or contain phrases like “Mr. Jones is not licensed to operate a mammogram, don’t go in there!” No matter the chant though, make sure everyone is chanting the same thing. You would be amazed how many picket lines have failed to garner the appropriate attention in the eye of the public because only half of the picketers grew tired of the same chants over and over again and instead opted to yell lyrics from "Boys Don’t Cry" by The Cure, only to grow quickly bored of that, and yell dialog from the movie Boys Don’t Cry starring Hilary Swank.

Location is also a key factor you have to consider when picketing. Although common sense might tell you to picket outside a location relevant to your cause, it should be noted that common sense is only used by street urchins and latchkey kids, both of which don’t know a damn thing about picketing.

Instead picket in a location that simply has the most people. If you know that thousands of people will be running a marathon to raise money for cancer research, seriously consider relocating. Now you may be thinking, “A bunch of people trying to raise money for cancer seems like a poor place for me to yell about my thoughts on abortion, doesn’t it?” It’s my duty to tell you you’re wrong; more people watching you picket means more material gain.

Lastly, protests are good places to pick up women with nose rings, which, if I remember correctly, are slowly beginning to have more value than the American dollar.