What do you guys know about the Democratic candidates? Please, tell us what to think!

Here at the guide, we’ve tried very hard to avoid the current political scene, as it offers little to nothing in the way of our interests (manatees, Pat Boone, Space Jam). However, my associate Leon Firestone informed me that as a member of the blogosphere, it is time for me to man up and blog about the democratic candidates.

I was not familiar with the term “blogosphere.” He informed me that it was a parallel world, much like our own, except people use jpegs of Lolcats as currency. I pointed out that sounds a lot like DC Comics’ 12-issue run of Crisis of Infinite Earths. He then retorted that no one in the DC Universe uses pictures of lolcats to buy and sell goods. He punctuated this remark by calling me a retard and hitting me with a SeaWorld paperweight.

Which, by the way, I think is a bit hypocritical. Leon has never been to SeaWorld.

So here I am, bleeding profusely because a marble bust of Shamu has gouged the area above my eyebrow. A normal man would have faltered and went to the ER, but I have a deadline to meet regardless of how many marble dorsal fin injuries I sustain.

So I will start by addressing those asking themselves, “I don’t care about the democratic primaries, why should I learn about Obama and Hilary?”

Word on the street is that Dan Brown (author of The Da Vinci Code, Angels and Demons, and a collection of a bunch of shitty poems his creative writing teacher in college likes to look at when he’s feeling depressed), is writing a new political thriller about the stalemate in the Democratic primary where it turns out that Obama and Hilary are not only the same person but also the Dalai Lama, who, believe it or not, has been corrupted by the Catholic Church and is hoping to use the resources that come with the presidency to make a bomb that is fueled by Karma.

So by knowing the truth about the candidates, you can effectively:

• Call shenanigans on Dan Brown

• Make fun of people at parties that like Dan Brown

At this point, I would like note that quite an alarming amount of blood is pooling on and around my keyboard.

Barack Obama
Life Story
Standing at over nine feet tall, Obama is the tallest man to ever run for president in addition to being the sixth blackest man to run. His book, The Audacity of Hope, retells his struggle of coping with his freakishly tall stature. One chapter in particular is especially heartwarming. It tells of time that Obama, during an especially sunny day, went on a lonesome walk after being made fun of for his height. On this walk he met a small albino man and by utilizing his great height, cast a shadow so great that it shielded the man from the dangerous UV rays.

Political platform

• Obama feels that neither evolution of creationism should be taught in schools. Instead, that particular chapter in biology will be replaced with a quantitative look at why Obama is so charming

• He also feels something should be done about health care, abortion, same sex marriage, Iraq, and people that pop their collars.

Hilary Clinton

Life Story

Not much is known about Hilary, except people often compare her stone-faced expressions to that of a robot. Although a typical political figure might try to then humanize themselves by doing something creepy like crying in public, Hilary has gone in the opposite direction and has had her left leg replaced with a bionic one. It is this writer’s opinion that a middle-aged woman with a bionic limb is way more intimidating then a really tall black guy. After all, who knows what kind of bionic functions that leg could hold?

Political platform

• It might involve taxes.

Despite all the blood loss I am starting to feel a little better. Although for the life of me I can’t remember my train of thought and I can’t help but notice I lack the cognitive abilities to reread what I have already wrote. As such, I will end this in a way I have always wanted: with pictures of Bill Murray:



Related Guide Entries
Ohshitohshitohshitohshit. Is he dead?
Where the fuck is the nearest hospital?
How do I replace an associate if, strictly hypothetically, he might die as a result of my actions?