D.I.Y Time: How do I make a tissue box ukulele?

Music is expensive nowadays. Albums are overpriced, opera ticket prices have skyrocketed, and stores do not allow you to return instruments after you smash them apart on stage to appease your fan(s.) So how do you appease your die-hard fans, while also saving as much money as humanly possible? By making your own tissue box ukulele that would only be fit for a rock god, of course.

1. Obtaining the materials - Kleenex boxes produce the best sound acoustically, but the designs on the box leave something to be desired for your upcoming rock and roll lifestyle. What I would suggest is possibly finding one made out of gold. You will also need the cardboard tube from a roll of paper towels. People often ask if it depends on what kind of paper towel company put it out, and I have found that Brawny is hands down the best. This is mostly due to the sexiness and devil may care attitude of the Brawny guy that makes him so irresistible. If Brawny is not available, buy the most expensive roll you can find. Also, you need string. Very nice, platinum string.

Did you know... that like becoming a vampire, tissue box mastery involves losing several qualities of your human appearance?

2. Construction - Find some old jewelry. Melt down the metals in it and use that to paste the paper towel tube to the tissue box. Then, string the guitar from the end of the towel tube to the other end of the tissue box. Make sure the string are the proper gauges you need to produce a solid sound.


3. Mastery - The tissue box ukulele is a whimsical instrument that has only been mastered by a few people. One of the trailblazers, Jerry Lewis, started at an early age. His father was one of the first masters of the tissue box ukulele, and Jerry tried to mimic his father's greatness. However, he could not handle it. In one of his very common 3 hour ukulele concerts, he was stricken with muscular dystrophy. Now, he is cared for by his thousands of illegitimate children across the nation. Many scholars say that this is largely due to the lack of a bad-ass looking tissue box. I would agree.


4. Obtain Muscular Dystrophy - It's not that I do not think you are capable of playing the instrument really well, but Muscular Dystrophy is an inevitability thanks to the curse Jerry Lewis has casted on the tissue box musicians. Since his fall, all of the greatest players have fallen ill. Year after year, Mr. Lewis will announce that he will lift this devastating curse if enough money is raised for his illegitimate children. No matter the amount raised, he will never lift the curse. This is widely regarded as a dick move.

How do I retell the story of someone falling down?

Invented by Jerry Lewis in the 1500s and given to the world in the late 1800s, the pratfall has been embraced the world over. However, a fall does not need to be planned to be hilarious. The kid skateboarding down the sidewalk doesn't mean to fall on his face, nor does the down syndromed child mean to ignore the fact that the curb is ending, but these people have found a sure-fire way to get a chuckle out of whoever is spectating. Especially in the case of the latter.

That's all well in good for the people watching, but what about your friends and family? Yes, you were one of them, laughing as the skater racked himself on the handrail in front of the public library, but how do you take such a fantastical image and convey it to your loved ones in the most humorous way possible in order to prove that you had an eventful day that didn't just boil down to you going to the public library and spanking it to paperback romance novels in a quiet room?

Preview question: If one of these people hurtled down from the sky and ate pavement, what could you say about it that would make your friends laugh?

Step 1: The intro - This starts when you walk into a room and want to tell everyone about what you just witnessed. Sometimes, you'll forget all about the old lady that walked into an automatic door after you are already engaged in conversation. Do not let this stop you. Everyone is deserving of your brilliant story of an old lady walking into an automatic door. Interrupt the person talking with an excited gasp, and explain how you just must tell this story. They will be somewhat angry at first, but they'll thank you in due time after your award winning story.

Step 2: The set-up - Like in all novels, the first chapter is spent describing the surroundings in great detail. The only writer to not adhere to this cardinal rule of story telling is Charlotte Bronte, an ugly woman who was on the verge of ruining Victorian literature until her sisters killed her, as requested by the real Jane Eyre. In the retelling of your story, get into the nitty-gritty of your surroundings. How rusty was that handrail? Which era of architecture does the library exhibit most. Then you can start describing the people. In the case of the old lady and the door, how old was the old lady that fell? In the case of the down syndromed kid at the curb, how many chromosomes did the person have or not have? Did the skater have any rat qualities? These are all essential.

Step 3: The prestige - This is the reason why you are telling the story: the fall. Your story is nothing without it, and it's the hardest part of the whole thing. However, know that I would never throw you into the lake without a way to properly cut through the burlap sack that you were tied in. There is an easy phrase that, if used effectively, can revive a dead story into something that will be worshiped by your family for years to come.

"You had to be there."

Do you feel the intensity in your eyes after reading those words? Now imagine that, times a million, and in the ears of everyone you tell your story to. These words are fool proof, and are guaranteed to turn any story you have fleeting doubts about into a shining beacon of life, love, and hilarity.

For more on this immaculate phrase, come back soonish.